The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e07 Episode Script

West.
Good evening, Senator.
Must be something pretty important to bring you down here.
It is, sir, extremely important.
Ah, Senator Hastings.
Bon soir, mon ami.
Consul-General.
Excuse us, please.
I want you should meet our distinguished guest.
He is one of France's most Oh, Jim.
We're bringing it down in about a half hour.
Until then, it's locked up safe and sound.
Have you checked the guests? I can vouch for everyone, Lieutenant.
I don't wish to be overly officious, monsieur, but we of the Sûreté are not content with the ordinary safeguards.
Now, Lieutenant, I have the highest regard for the Sûreté, but considering the importance of the material locked in your safe and the difficulty it would cause both our governments if it were stolen, we want to give you our fullest cooperation.
Excuse me.
I warn you, Dr.
Ormont, I don't much understand these scientific things.
Franconium is the most amazing substance that has been discovered up to date.
Excuse me, Doctor.
Monsieur West.
I think that you will be struck- staggered by the possibilities We shall be starting in a moment.
Oh, fine.
Thank you.
May I? I brought in the flowers and the vase myself, Monsieur West.
Are you interested in flowers? Or are you looking for a bomb? Ah, just habit, I'm afraid.
But when my assignment is over, would you celebrate the occasion by going to the theater with me? I would love to.
Oh, yes, I've got it.
I met you at the Geneva Conference of weights and measures.
No, I'm afraid Ah, then it must have been at Greenwich Seminar.
No, I'm sorry, I Uh-uh, I never make a mistake.
Of course, the Greenwich Seminar.
How are you? You're late, madam.
Because of the war now going on between France and Prussia, the United States has been good enough to allow us to bring Dr.
Ormont's discovery- Franconium- to this country for safe keeping.
We are taking advantage of this opportunity to introduce it to you gentlemen of the American scientific community.
It gives me great pleasure to introduce France's most distinguished scientist, Dr.
Jean-Paul Ormont.
My friends and colleagues Among certain sorts of uranium, there is one Keep your eye on things here.
I'll check it out.
Right.
Its departed presence, if you will, can impart to the key a brilliant May I have a look? Oh, Monsieur West, you startled me.
You were so absorbed in whatever it is you're looking at on the slide.
It is a failure, I suspect.
Uh Monsieur West, you have not found the Franconium? I have no more idea where it is today than I did yesterday.
Those look like orchid spores.
Odontoglossum.
I'm attempting to stain them with aniline, but my technique I usually don't have trouble understanding what a woman's saying.
But I am a botanist.
On behalf of the French government, I am collecting samples of your flora.
When I have cultivated them and toughened them, and to some extent acclimated them, I shall ship some home to France.
You're a surprising woman.
Toujours femmes, toujours surprises.
A woman is not a woman without surprises.
I like surprises, but of course, within limits.
But of course.
This place has a most interesting history.
Originally, it was a tannery.
I understand the vats are still underneath there.
I may take a look.
Oh.
Surely you do not suspect the Franconium is still in the consulate.
That container's lead-lined, heavy, very difficult to move.
I believe your uncle's waiting for me now.
May I join you? My pleasure.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Jim, could I see you for a moment, please? You'll excuse us, of course.
Certainement.
Sorry to break into your Cattleya occidens.
You know about orchids, then, Monsieur Gordon.
Oh, just a snipping acquaintance.
As a matter of fact, I've always been interested in nature since I was a little boy.
Artemus, you did want to see me, didn't you? Oh, yes.
My Great-Aunt Maude always used to say, "Every man should have a hobby.
" Or were you just, uh, contemplating that bit of orchid as a potential corsage for the young lady you're taking to the theater tonight? You have been the busy Secret Service man, haven't you? Now what about that security check I ordered? Nobody leaves here without being put under surveillance.
Keep it around the clock.
Does that include the, uh, lady of the orchid or will you be cultivating that one personally? Everybody knows that a young orchid has to be kept at a carefully controlled temperature as long as You have a suspicious mind, Jim.
A very suspicious mind.
What you are looking at here is a ghost.
As you know, last night a lead-lined canister containing 100 grams of Franconium was in this safe.
The power of this substance is utterly fantastic, beyond imagination.
You have already seen how by placing an ordinary key in the safe for a few minutes the effluvium of the Franconium- its, uh, departed presence, if you will- can impart to the key a brilliant radiance.
What's that instrument you're holding, Doctor? An energy register.
A simple detection device I designed.
The rotors inside the hermetically sealed vessel are highly sensitive to Franconium or any substance exposed to it without a protective lead shield.
Now, you will notice, when I get into the sphere of the exposed key the vanes will rotate faster.
Inanimate objects glow when exposed to Franconium.
Think what it can do to a human body.
One drop of it unshielded could kill a room full of people; think what a weapon of destruction that could be.
And every gram of Franconium in the world was in that safe.
Loose, in the wrong hands, a killer.
Oh, a catastrophe.
I cannot describe how much.
Perhaps I can, with Monsieur the Consul- General's permission.
Uh, Monsieur West it may have come to your notice.
France is presently at war with Prussia.
My country's very much aware of it, Lieutenant Renard.
Ah, I am truly delighted to hear that, monsieur.
You should also be aware of the fact that as the representative of French Sûreté, I felt from the beginning it would be a tragic mistake to ship our Franconium to your country.
I'm becoming aware of your feeling, Lieutenant.
I foresaw the possibility that it might fall into Prussian hands as a result of a bungling, monsieur.
Who's bungling? Or does the Sûreté always claim to be clairvoyant after the crime's committed? Please, these accusations, they're uncalled for.
Monsieur West, you understand that in Prussian hands it would be used against France.
Surely that must be of some vital concern to you.
My only concern is getting the Franconium back into the hands of its rightful owners.
Forgive me, Uncle, I know I should remain quiet, but Monsieur le Consul-General, surely we are being unfair to Monsieur West.
Speaking of bungling, Lieutenant, where were you exactly when the explosion took place? Oh, I see, monsieur.
Now it is I who is to blame, eh? Well, you may be right, mademoiselle.
Monsieur West's country generously decides to help us safeguard our treasure- even assigns one of its top operatives to, uh, safeguard it- in spite of which it has managed to vanish without a single clue.
Excuse the interruption, Lieutenant, but this young lady's part of the team that made off with the Franconium.
You must be mistaken.
She was masquerading as an old lady last night.
But she is Amelie Charlemont, my secretary.
The man has delusions.
All right, we'll settle this right now- lift up your foot.
I will not! How dare you? Look at her ankle, gentlemen.
A perfect set of my fingerprints.
A little souvenir from last night.
Amelie! C'est incroyable.
Alors, what about her accomplice and the Franconium? Maybe Amelie can be persuaded to fill us in on those little details.
I'll take over the questioning now, Monsieur.
I'll handle this, if you don't mind.
Perhaps Monsieur forgets, Miss Charlemont is a French national.
This consulate is French territory, and the crime itself was committed against France.
Nevertheless, I'm going to have to pull rank on you.
With your permission, Sir.
Oui, monsieur.
Lieutenant, a few questions, what harm can there be in that, eh? Alone, Lieutenant, if you don't mind.
Sit down.
Of course, you know you're in a lot of trouble.
Your heavy-footed friend fixed you up pretty good last night.
Snuffing out a servant's life.
It makes you an accomplice to murder, doesn't it? You're going to have to pay for what happened last night, but, of course, if you cooperate, the price will be considerably more attractive.
You're a pretty, young girl very attractive, but what do you think you'll look like after 20 years in the prison workshop? You shouldn't have done that.
You really shouldn't have done that.
Mr.
West, I'm truly sorry.
You should be sorry.
You spoke of my cooperating.
Would you really help me if I do? Of course, if you're genuinely sincere.
Because I want very, very much to cooperate with you.
That's not exactly the kind of cooperation I had in mind.
Something wrong with my kind? No, no.
As a matter of fact Did she get away? Free and clear.
Monsieur, I am appalled.
How could you let such a thing happen? And with your own revolver? She didn't have one of her own.
Thank you.
Face powder? For the sake of an amorous little episode? Monsieur, this is sordid.
I thought it was rather pleasant myself.
If this is the way American Secret Service performs its function, monsieur Uh, Lieutenant uh-uh.
Bulletproof.
And Amelie is being followed by one of our men this very moment.
You mean you planned this? In hopes that she would lead us to her confederates.
When the time is right, I'll follow her.
You might have taken me into your confidence! There wasn't time.
Where's Amelie? Uh, she's escaped.
Escaped! I'm afraid so.
It was my fault, I was careless.
The girl had my fullest trust and confidence.
I cannot help but feel that there must have been a mistake.
There is no mistake, I can assure you, Monsieur Ormont.
But Amelie she's been with me so long, and I felt so sure about her character and loyalty.
And don't forget, Uncle, the Prussians have a great deal of money with which to tempt a young girl.
Even so, she will be caught again.
I almost hope she isn't.
Sir, I don't have to remind you of the importance to France of the material that has been stolen.
Or the embarrassment to us.
No, no.
Of course, you are right.
Until all this is settled, Uncle, n-none of us can feel really safe, or know whom to trust.
Well, Jim, I guess we, uh should get started, huh? You might be able to use these.
Uh, thank you.
I would rather wait until you are free.
Jim Tell me something.
You ever wonder what might have happened if Amelie had pointed that gun a little higher when she shot at you? I think the box office would have refunded the money.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Three Four Artemus! Shh, I'm timing this- five six What are you doing? I got to concentrate here.
Seven eight Nine Ten.
It works.
One day, one of your ideas isn't going to work, and you're going to find yourself stretched out for good.
I'm still a lot safer than somebody who lets dear Amelie take pot shots at him, even with a bulletproof vest.
Want to know what it is? Well, if I don't ask you, you'll tell me anyway.
It's a chemical leech.
Chemical what? Leech.
That's a ball of a new chemical compound with such highly developed adhesive powers that on contact, it'll support a man's weight for ten seconds.
All you got to do is mash it against something solid.
It's fantastic stuff.
Oh, I've arranged to put the train in for a general overhaul.
We'll have rooms at the hotel for a couple of days, all right? "Amelie "Charlemont "followed to Hannibal Amusement Park.
" "Meeting expected to take place.
" Artemus, I want you to run a security check on everyone connected with the embassy.
Hannibal Amusement Park I haven't had cotton candy for years.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Step right up, folks.
Meet this beautiful, gorgeous, exhilarating dancer from the rivers of the Nile.
She wiggles and she shakes, and she makes your hair curl.
Step right up, folks, it's only one dime, ten cents, one tenth of a dollar.
Everybody goes.
Step up to the signpost.
The show's about to commence.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Here it is.
The greatest girlie show on the island.
Here she is, Lucy.
Right direct from the land from the land of beautiful women with exotic dances.
Folks, one dime.
One tenth of a dollar.
One thin dime.
Two nickels.
Yes, sir.
Step right up, see this gorgeous, exotic dancer from the land of the Nile.
She wiggles and she shakes, and she makes your hair curl.
Step right up, folks.
It's only one dime, ten cents.
One tenth of a dollar.
Everybody goes.
Step right inside, folks.
The show is about to commence.
Here she is, right direct from I got your instructions to meet you here.
I wish you could have seen the expression on Mr.
West's face when I shot him.
You stupid fool.
Stupid? You did exactly what Monsieur West wanted you to do.
But I shot him! I killed him! Of course you did, cherie.
I don't understand.
He was wearing a bulletproof vest.
Monsieur West wanted you to shoot him, to think you have killed him.
But why? To follow you.
To make you talk, to have you lead him to me.
I would never do that.
You know that.
Oh, oui.
I know that.
No.
You are too kind.
Very handsome.
You are most understanding.
To appreciate the difficulty of your position? That should be obvious.
You also are in a very difficult position.
Eh awkward, at least.
There's the American.
Will you join us? This is an unexpected pleasure, Monsieur West.
Your pursuit of Amelie has brought you here? Your uncle told me where you'd be.
Oh then, you have found Amelie.
Yes.
And she has talked? No.
Uh, never fear.
In my experience, a night in prison does wonders to loosen the tongue.
I wouldn't count on it this time.
May I ask where you got your boutonniere? Mademoiselle was kind enough to give it to me.
It is my favorite flower and, uh Identical.
Hmm.
Um, is your boutonniere also from a lady, Monsieur West? In a way.
I took it from Amelie's hand about a half hour ago.
She was shot.
Uh this is a very rare orchid.
Avondus, I think.
Yes, Avondus.
Uh, grows only in Hawaii.
Do you consider it a clue? Perhaps.
I've asked for a complete dossier of information on everyone connected with the case.
Including us? Including you.
Oh, ho, ho Such impudence.
Only an American No, no, no, no, no.
Eh, this, uh- what is the word- "cynicism" is typical of the Sûreté.
Of course, we waste a great deal of time, but we are thorough.
I will refer you to several ladies, who will give you the most interesting gossip about me.
Some small fragments of it are even true.
You and I will go away together somewhere quietly, just the two of us, and I will tell you all there is to know about me- absolutely everything.
You will find it much more amusing than a dull dossier.
I'm sure, but there's no need to go to all that trouble.
Such lack of faith should be rewarded, Monsieur West.
Most assuredly.
As you say, mademoiselle, we shouldn't trust anyone.
Um one question, Monsieur West.
Who is investigating you? And don't be so sure someone isn't.
Uh we should drink to something.
To suspicion.
Suspicion.
Artemus.
Artemus.
Artemus.
What are you trying to do? I can ask you.
Right in the middle of testing my new artificial lung.
Artificial lung? Yes! And it's brilliant, if I do say so myself, Jim.
You see, you put this molded piece on over your over your nose Did you get the information on all the consulate personnel? Well, naturally.
It's inside.
I've designed this thing so that it'll hold five minutes' worth of oxygen in the reservoir, Jim.
Think of that.
Five minutes underwater, submerged, and you'd still survive.
That is, if somebody was trying to drown you.
What if it doesn't work? Bring it back.
I'll make you a new one.
Just, uh hang that on the wall right over there, would you? Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Oh, uh Jim, would you mind, uh Thank you, Mr.
West.
You seem worried.
I am.
Till that Franconium is found, it could be a worse killer than the people that stole it.
Too bad we didn't get to Amelie before that bullet.
Well, I didn't.
A missing ring finger on the second joint of the left hand.
" Renard? What are you muttering about? Renard.
He doesn't have any fingers missing.
You sure about Renard? I know Renard has all his fingers.
I just saw him in a restaurant with Cluny, and they were very close and friendly.
How friendly? I don't know.
Cluny pinned an orchid in his lapel.
When I found Amelie, she had an orchid clutched in her hand.
What do we do now? I think we better call the housekeeper.
This place is a mess.
CLUNY And now you know.
Now I know that Lieutenant Renard had an artificial finger.
You don't know, but your accent isn't showing.
I have no further need for it.
Anything else? The rest are just guesses.
Interested in hearing them? Well, yes, please.
Somewhere in this crate is a lead-lined container with a hundred grams of someone else's Franconium.
Very clever.
Well, why Renard? Why? Why, because he'd made the mistake of finding out things.
Because he knew that you were the one that planned the theft of the Franconium.
And now you know it, too.
From the very beginning, he suspected me.
Did you know that? No, frankly, I didn't give him enough credit.
Poor, gallant Renard.
You should also know this.
In an effort to get proof, he even pretended he was in love with me.
But you didn't believe him, not for a minute.
No, I don't make mistakes.
How about forgetting to take the orchid from Amelie's hand after you shot her? You call that a mistake? It brought you here, didn't it? And what a shame your time has run out, Jim.
Has it? It's too bad.
Mice? You no longer amuse me.
Last time I heard those delicate footsteps was in the French Consulate.
Very heavy gauge steel.
No doors, no escape.
Nothing but the best for your houseguests.
Wait, there's more.
Do you know how orchids are protected against insect pests? How? By fumigation- the fumes of prussic acid, a very, very deadly gas.
Yes, those are prussic acid fumes you hear.
Your torch won't last very long when the fumes drive the oxygen out, but neither will you.
Just breathe deeply, and it'll soon be over.
Au revoir, Jim.
Hurry with the boards.
We have to get that Franconium out of here.
Did you make all the arrangements for sailing? And for the Franconium to be picked up when we arrived? Be careful! If there's the slightest crack in that lead canister Who is it? Express man, lady.
Go away.
Oh, I'm sorry, lady, I can't do that.
You got to sign first.
Come on, lady.
I haven't got all day.
What's this all about? I don't know.
I had to pick up a trunk here.
There is no trunk here.
Oh certainly there is.
There is no trunk and we don't need an Express man.
Well, there has to be.
Otherwise, why would you send for me? We didn't send for you.
Oh, you didn't send for me? That's this place, ain't it? Yes, but And that says one trunk, don't it? Certainly, but All right.
Where is it? Look, there is no trunk and we do not need an Express man.
Lady I am a very patient man- patient as the day is long.
Now, there comes a time when it's time for even the most patient of men to get wore out.
I am about wore out, lady.
Where's the trunk? For the last time, there is no trunk.
We don't need an Express man.
All right.
I'll find it for myself.
Mister If you'll just go away, I'll pay you for your time.
Hey hey! I knew it! And you said that you didn't have a trunk.
Mister Ah, tut, tut, tut.
There's no need to apologize.
It happens to me all the time.
It's a crate.
It's not a trunk.
A crate, a trunk, it's no matter.
The important thing is we found it.
It's not to be shipped! Oh, lady, your memory's more stubborn than any other case I ever saw in me life.
But I'll have it out of here before you can say Bring him over here.
Fancy meeting you here.
You're amazing.
No one else could have gotten out alive like you did.
It was nothing.
The crate- getting ready to ship it out? I'll bet I can guess the route it's going to take.
An oceangoing vessel, going where, Cluny? Try Prussia.
I was born in Saarbruchen.
I owe allegiance only to Prussia.
France was lucky enough to be the first to isolate Franconium, but Prussia will be the one to exploit it for national good.
That explains a lot.
But what about your uncle? Sentimental idiot.
He was for France, huh? Where does, uh, old Ironfoot fit in? Let's just say he has a talent for kicking.
Zeigen sie ihm ihren Fuesse.
Artificial legs.
A train accident.
And now I think there's nothing left to talk about.
Everything's all neat and tidied up, is it not, Jim? I can't think of anything else.
Use your gun.
You're not afraid of me.
You don't need a gun, do you? Don't listen to him.
You're not going to listen to her.
You're a man, aren't you? Come on.
Shoot him! Shoot him! You're a dreamer, Cluny.
He isn't going to let anything interfere with his pleasures.
Give me that gun.
I'll shoot him.
Take a look below you when you get the chance.
Remember, I told you this used to be a tanning factory.
It was a simple matter to reactivate the tanning tank.
Corrosive lye- and all of it for you when he gets through with you.
You should have taken the bullet when you had the chance.
My hair is perhaps a bit out of place? I have a smudge on my nose? No.
No, for a moment, there was an uncanny resemblance.
Please forgive me.
I am Cecile, the Consul- General's secretary.
Oh, my name is James West.
I know.
May I? I brought in the flowers and the vase myself, Monsieur West.
Are you interested in flowers, or a bomb? I've lost my taste for flowers.
I never did care much for bombs.
Believe me, sir.
I have never even been to Nonsense.
You did a fascinating paper on the libration of the moon.
How can you be so absent-minded? All right.
The libration of the moon.
Monsieur.
I'm overcome with happiness to be able to announce that France's great national treasure has been recovered intact for her and for the world.
Distinguished guests, dear friends in this felicitous moment, I must make a special declaration of gratitude.
After the theater, supper at Le Grange, and after that But there is my assistant.
I cannot leave her.
By a very fortunate coincidence, I just happen to have another pair of theater tickets with me.
Hello.
The Yankee- formidable.