There's... Johnny! (2017) s01e07 Episode Script
The Anniversary Show
1 [MELLOW FUNK MUSIC.]
I've been alone, babe - For such a long, long time - I've been lonely [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Tryin' to find someone - To call mine, all mine - Baby - Well, hello.
[SIGHS.]
- May I come in? - Sweet love and affection - Love and affection To give my heart a little sweet direction - Honey, ooh - Someone with sweet loving and care - Ooh - To make my heart feel not so worried Ow! It's 7:00 in beautiful Los Angeles, the city where all good dreams come true.
Okay, folks, big show today, and not a lot of time.
Let's get it together.
Is this all for the anniversary show? - Benny, that light has to come up - It's so green! - a little higher.
- So, we're not using the regular stuff.
- The regular stuff's - Surely, there must be some other place - you can be right now.
No? No? Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
- Out of the way.
Out of the way.
And gee, - Okay.
gee, they were supposed to finish painting this wall a while ago! - And get some more flowers in here.
Come on guys - Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
'cause I don't want Freddie riding my ass! So, in order of arrival, it's Jack Benny, George Burns, Don Rickles.
And Jerry Lewis is definitely in? - Confirmed an hour ago.
Thank you, but we still - Oh, nicely done, young lady.
Good morning, guys.
I was wondering if there was anything - Is it important? - What? What you feel obliged to say right now.
Is it important? - Wha - Splendid.
[FREDDIE SIGHS.]
[CLOCK TICKING.]
Maybe no one's getting fired.
- Maybe we're all getting renewed.
- No, no, no, no.
They always fire somebody, okay? This is how they keep the others in line.
It stinks.
It really stinks.
Sure, says the guy with the two-year contract.
When did he say he'd let us know? - Today.
- Yeah, I know today! But when? God, I swear, it-it-it's worse than the Nazis, you know? I mean, not that they were good, but, I mean, if they didn't like you, they didn't like you.
They let you know right up front.
Okay, m-m-maybe it's not the best analogy.
What?! I was just wondering if there was anything - Will you get out of here, Klavin? - [ALL TURNING HIM DOWN AT ONCE.]
- No, thank you.
Thank you.
- Not now.
Not now, I mean it.
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
And by the way, we're shitting blood worrying about our jobs, and this kid, from nowhere, with no discernible skill or talent, gets a free ride, not a care in the world.
He's a good kid.
I'm not saying he's not expendable, okay? I'd push him into a river, but he's a good kid.
He ain't that good.
Well, it doesn't matter.
He's Johnny's boy.
He's protected.
What if I was from Nebraska? You'd be more miserable and less funny.
Joey Bishop's car somebody please find out why it's not at Joey Bishop's house.
- I can get on that.
- Thank you.
[VIDEO GAME BLOOPING.]
What? What are you doing? What is that? It's called Pong.
- Do you want to try? - No.
Why are you in here? - ["GAME OVER" SOUND.]
- 'Cause [SIGHS.]
nobody has anything for me to do.
So find something! Um [BLOOPING CONTINUES.]
uh, I-I know that some of the writers are are getting fired today or not picked up or or whatever.
Am am I in that same kind of a am I getting fired today? What? No.
I don't think so.
- ["GAME OVER" SOUND.]
- This is so stupid.
Okay, wait, wait.
What do you mean, you don't think so? You mean, like, I might get fired? Like, that's possible? - Ah-huh.
- ["GAME OVER" SOUND.]
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
Anything's possible.
It's show business.
You want to know what else pisses me off? All these divorce jokes and alimony jokes.
Ever since Johnny's in love again, these are dead totally useless.
Honestly, least of your fucking problems, Alan.
Gentlemen, I just want to say however this plays out - No.
No, no.
Don't get all sappy about it.
- Oh, come on.
I have had a terrific 13 weeks with you guys.
- Jim, you're gonna - Being able to come in here every day, - just, I like forward to work.
- [ALL GROAN AND COMPLAIN.]
- Cheers to us.
- Okay, Jim.
Nobody's "cheers"-ing you, so have a seat, please.
- Yeah.
- Come on, everybody.
Let's go.
We're way behind.
[SCREAMS.]
- Jesus, Dad! - Uh, I didn't mean to startle you, sweetheart.
Why are you here? I have some George Burns business to take care of.
You know what he's like if I'm not here.
Is it okay if I use your desk for a bit? - [SLURPING LOUDLY.]
- Sure.
You want me to come find you when he's gone? - Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Wait, Freddie actually said that? Yes.
He said he wants to tell everybody individually, face to face, one at a time.
- But just not yet.
Great.
- He's gonna call.
Okay, well, uh, see if this tickles anybody.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, a rabbi, a priest, a hooker, a transvestite, a black guy, a lawyer, a retard, and a dead baby all walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What's the occasion?" Rabbi says, "No fucking idea!" Just curious.
Um why'd you make it the rabbi? Well, I I had it the black guy, but I didn't want you asking, "Why is it always the black guy?" And that is why I should be let go, because clearly, I have no fucking sense of what's funny.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Okay.
Sure.
[SNIFFS.]
He wants to see you first.
- Shit.
- No.
Jim, this is a good thing.
Come on.
He's not gonna fire the first guy in the office.
- Come on.
- Come on.
Course not.
- You're fine.
- Just go, relax, be funny.
That's [BLEEPS AND BLOOPS.]
So, it seems, unbeknownst to anyone, the network went back and got Dean Martin to do the show.
- Okay.
- No.
Not okay! Dean.
And Jerry Lewis.
On the same show.
They haven't shared a stage since since 1956! There is bad blood there.
This is a big problem.
- Argh! - A big, big problem.
[GROANS.]
Little fucker! Ha-ha! - So? - Uh, can you have Carl come in here, please? - Carl? - Carl, the stage manager.
Have him come in here, please.
- You bet.
- ["GAME OVER" SOUND.]
[TSKS.]
Oh! Pis y caca.
Entrez! Jim.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jimmy Boy.
St.
James.
[CHUCKLES.]
Please, please, have a seat.
- Have a seat.
- Okay, okay.
Listen, I I just want you to know how delighted we all are with your work here.
I mean, no kidding, every night, night after night, you've contributed brilliantly, and it's just wonderful, top-notch stuff.
[CHUCKLES QUIETLY.]
Thank you.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Thank you, Freddie.
Thank you.
- That means the world to me.
- Yeah, well, that's why it pains me so to have to let you go.
What? This this is no reflection on your enormous talents.
But I just bought a I bought a house.
Anyhow! [CHUCKLES.]
Listen, good luck.
I'm sure you'll land on your feet in no time.
So, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis? We're good and screwed, huh? Any reason we couldn't run a remote camera over to Dean Martin and have him prerecord an interview, 20 seconds max, and then drop it in at top of show? That way, Dean can go home early, we get Dean and Jerry, and they never have to be in the same room.
Is there any reason we can't do that? No.
That's that's brilliant - brilliant.
- Wow.
You're really good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This thing's kicking my Oh! Poo.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, Jim.
- So, so sorry.
Oh.
- Jimbo, I'm sorry, man.
It's never easy, but, uh you're a you're a talented guy.
You're gonna you're gonna land on your feet.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Okay.
Alan.
You're up.
I fucking hate show business.
[SIGHS.]
- Hey.
- Huh! Is there anything that I can do? Uh, yes.
You could take this tuxedo to Don Rickles' dressing room.
- Really? - Yeah.
You think you can handle that? [LAUGHING.]
Yes! Absolutely! - Okay.
Mmm! Okay.
- I'm off.
Entrez! Oh, Alan.
Alan.
[ALAN GIGGLES.]
- Thank you! Thank you! - You're welcome.
No, no.
- That's okay.
That's good.
No, no, no.
- I just I love show business so much.
- You know, I mean, this, - Yeah.
to me, this art form, has just oh, we're leaving, okay.
- We all love it.
We all love it.
- Thank you.
I'll go.
- This is Thank you - Go ahead.
Keep up the good work.
- so much.
I mean it, thank you.
- You're welcome.
You're welcome, - I'll be here.
Okay.
- yeah.
Yeah, okay.
[SIGHING.]
Should've kept the other guy.
[GIGGLING.]
I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm I'm coming back.
I'm really I'm good.
I'm great.
I'm really All right, all right, all right, all right.
And I am so sorry.
I-I truly am.
- No, congratulations.
- Hey, thank you.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Hello? That's 107.
Okay.
Wrong number.
You Whoa, whoa, whoa! Shut it off! Shut it off! [MOANS.]
[GASPS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SCOFFS.]
- [GROANS.]
- [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
[SIGHING.]
Hello? [CLOCK TICKING LOUDLY.]
Okay.
Hmm? [KNOCKS.]
Entrez! Ah! Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell.
[CHUCKLES.]
Have a seat.
- Make yourself comfortable.
- Okay.
- This is no fun, is it? - No.
So let's skip the pleasantries and get right down to business.
Okay.
The bad news is you'll be coming back for another 13 weeks.
- What? - Congratulations.
- I'm coming back? - You're coming back.
- Are you kidding me? [SIGHS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah, do it.
That's nice.
That's good.
- Oh! Oh, God, oh.
[SIGHS.]
- Thank you.
That's okay.
- No, no, no, no.
There's no - That's not Come on.
Come on.
- Yeah, right.
Sorry about that.
That was inappropriate, man.
- All right, I'm gonna - Yeah! Yeah.
Yeah, get in there, and write - Get me some funny.
Funny! Let's be funny! - Yeah, I got I got you, man.
All right.
- Thank you.
- Let's be funny.
- Son - Look.
Okay, I know it's I know it's been fun and all, and and but I I just Dad, I just keep on screwing up, and I just want to come home.
Son, I I don't think that's a good idea.
- You have a new job there now, and - I don't know if I do.
I don't even know what my job is, and nobody here seems to know either.
Do you wanna know where I am right now? - Where? - I'm in the basement.
I'm hiding.
And I don't even think anyone would care if I even left.
- Well, of course they would.
- No, Dad.
They wouldn't.
- Okay.
It it.
.
- You're not coming home! My boys are not quitters.
Can I talk to Mom? Mom? Uh, Mom, uh, she's she's, uh, she's out right now.
Well, can I can I talk to Buddy? Buddy is, uh, he's with your mom.
- Dad, the thing is, I just I just - This is just not a good time, Andy.
Okay, you called at a very bad time, so I think what you should do is is just buckle up and figure it out.
And you earn that trust Mr.
Carson so graciously gave to you.
Okay, I love you.
We're very proud of you.
I'll talk to you soon.
- [PHONE DISCONNECTS.]
- - [APPLAUSE.]
- Well, folks you've come on a great night.
Celebrating 10 years on the air.
Let's see, I was 24 when the show started.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
I've come to welcome you, to tell you to sit back and enjoy and have a great time.
It's gonna be a great one.
[APPLAUSE.]
[INDISTINCT MURMUR.]
Ah.
Gonna be a great one.
[CHUCKLES.]
You see, uh, the Dean Martin promo? Great idea Joy had.
Dean Martin in three two Ah, no, this isn't "The Dean Martin Show.
" But don't touch your dial, because you got a treat coming up.
Where is young lovely Joy? Where is she? Ten years.
That's a long time.
I'd drink to that.
Here's looking at ya, Johnny.
[BLEEPING AND BLOOPING.]
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
- But I I almost had the - It's all gonna be okay.
- I was just about to get the - Come on.
Come on.
- But I oh - Yeah, I know.
It's okay.
Did you know that it takes over 100 talented people to put a show like this together? - A show like this.
Not - [LAUGHTER.]
A show like this.
Ours is put together by three winos.
Ah - Ten years do you believe that? - Yes.
I have trouble getting by the seventh year on anything.
[LAUGHTER.]
That was Jim's line.
Yeah.
Gee, a lot has happened in the past decade.
- Oh, yeah.
- Two presidents, right? Three presidents.
Two wars.
Twelve different series starring Don Rickles.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Ah I just want to give him something to warm up on backstage.
Don is with us tonight.
Do you remember the very first time? I remember it.
You probably don't.
- What's this? You what? - The very first time you said, - "And now here's Johnny.
" - Yes.
Unfortunately, that was during the coronation of Pope John.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- And, uh - remember they threw you out of the Vatican - Yes.
- and said, "Don't come back.
" - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
No, ten years ago tonight, a very frightened, nervous, funny young man walked out here on this stage, and I want to thank Joey Bishop for filling in that first show.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Uh [MAN WHISTLING.]
- Hey.
- Ah! What the fuck? What's wrong with you? - Scaring a man like that.
- I'm sorry.
What you doing down here anyway, Skippy? You believe this shit? Look at this.
What does it say here all over the box? - "TNT.
" - Exactly.
How in the fuck is anybody supposed to know "TNT" stands for "The Tonight Show"? I swear, if you wanna say "The Tonight Show," say "TTS.
" Or if you want to get right to it, "TS.
" "Tonight Show.
" You put "TNT" on a box, you're gonna scare people.
This shit been sitting up at security going on three weeks now.
- So what is it? - No idea.
Shit from back east.
Yes, sir, it starts in New Jersey and ends up here.
That is one sad-ass journey.
Yeah, all right, Skippy.
- You stay out of trouble, now.
- All right.
[WHISTLING.]
[TSKS.]
Huh.
Would you welcome, please, Mr.
Don Rickles.
[APPLAUSE.]
Angelo why wouldn't the man bring a tuxedo - like everyone else? - Don't know.
Forgive me for my dress, uh, John, but, uh, [CHUCKLES.]
I'm working, and I I had no idea there was gonna be a wedding tonight or something.
Freddie, your producer Freddie, over here, where the light is! - Ah - [LAUGHTER.]
He just sits on the stool going, "I'm in charge.
" [LAUGHING.]
This, it's so nice, it really is.
- What, ten year? I - Yeah.
- Will you! I I - I'm sorry.
Well you are my all-time favorite.
You know that.
And I always idolized you.
But if you blow smoke in my face once more, I'll kill you.
[LAUGHTER.]
Idol or no idol, that's it! Since this is the tenth year, and there's kind of a highlight, at least with this kind of a show, for ten years.
What's been the highlight of your life? Or some of you? - No, a real highlight.
- Oh - Um - A memorable anniversary or an honor or Yeah.
I I have a memorable highlight.
- Um - Now, wait a minute, - George Burns has a highlight.
- I've got a highlight.
- I've got Oh, George - You hold your highlight until George My big highlight is when I played the Jefferson Theater.
- The Jefferson Theater? - On 14th Street.
- That was in New York.
- New York.
- And I played there for three days.
- Yeah.
And I wasn't closed.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Johnny.
You know what my highlight was? - Yes, sir.
What? My highlight was when my little hometown, Waukegan, Illinois, built a school, a junior high school, and named it after me, called - the Jack Benny Junior High School - That's a lot of funny Jews.
Not tonight.
Okay, thank you.
You know, the exciting thing about doing a show like this - is that you get a ch - [LAUGHTER.]
is that you get a chance to get together with people that you rarely We all live here I rarely see George or Jack or Joey or Ed.
You don't see me much either.
Did it ever occur that maybe nobody likes you? [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh! - Ouch.
Jeez.
Gotta say, that wasn't even Jerry's fault.
What is with Johnny tonight? Does he seem really off? You know I just say that in jest.
He's hurt.
[LAUGHTER.]
- And I'll get you for that, John.
- They say, "Stay close to Fred" [CHUCKLES.]
.
Yeah.
Ah.
Now you see why Johnny wanted just clips? Oh - [APPLAUSE.]
- Thank you all.
["JOHNNY'S THEME" PLAYING.]
Well, that was just a strange show.
- I found them! I found them.
- Hey, where have you been hiding? I found the missing shows! Johnny's first ten years I found them! - What are you talking about? - I found them in a basement.
They were they were in boxes from New Jersey or something.
And I don't know who sent them or why, but they're not even whole shows, just clips, and there's so many of them, and I only wrote down a few of them.
- You did this? - Mm-hmm.
- While the show was taping? - Mm-hmm.
- You did all of this? - Mm-hmm.
This is really good.
Spectacular show, everyone.
Well, not spectacular, but it's done.
- [GUYS CHUCKLE.]
- Now for the fun part.
I suppose you're all coming to the soirée? - Oh, yeah.
I will be there.
- Sir, absolutely.
- At the what? - The NBC party for everybody at the show.
- Do I get to go? - Everybody gets to go, huh? I I'm going to speculate you don't own a tuxedo.
- No.
- Angelo?! Yeah? Can we perchance set this boy up with a proper tuxedo? Maybe the ones we used for The Marquis Chimps.
- The larger one.
Mongo.
- Ooh, you don't want to use that tux.
- Why not? - Mongo made a boom-boom.
Would you just go get a tux? Say what you will about those Marquis Chimps, they're supremely talented monkeys.
- Freddie, can I talk to you for a second? - If you walk quickly.
Okay.
- [SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.]
- Think they'll have cake? - I really hope - I hope they have cake.
I love cake.
[BOMBASTIC BIG BAND MUSIC.]
- - We're gonna move behind camera two.
Get a wide shot of table nine.
- Hey, look, look at Hey, Johnny's friends.
- Who are they? - Frankie.
Important people.
- Hey.
- Important people! - Hey.
This is absurd.
What say How are we supposed to see past the candles to the? Where are we? You think there's a worse table than this one? Is that possible? Jeez, that's a big cake.
Okay, we got it.
It's a cake.
Move on already.
I heard Raquel Welch is here tonight.
Hey, you know, she's single again.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I'm just saying.
- Good evening, everyone.
- Hey, Rozzie! [ALL OFFER PRAISE.]
- Be still, my heart.
- Cut it out.
Well, finish your thought.
[ALL CONTINUE THEIR PRAISE.]
Wow! Didn't want to deprive you of the whole experience.
Hey, Klavin! Hey! Well, look at you.
Um the the suit fit o-okay? - Very nice.
- Ah just the man I wanted to see.
If it's about Mr.
Rickles, uh, I c I c I can totally explain.
Mr.
Rickles? What about Mr.
Rickles? Oh.
Uh, no.
Uh, nothing.
Don't, uh - So, uh, what were you going to say? - I was simply going to say that Joy here told me about the footage you unearthed.
- How amazing was I mean I just - Still talking.
- Sorry.
- She showed me the work you did and the cataloging and all that, and I I must say I was impressed with your initiative, as was Mr.
Carson.
- Mr.
Carson.
- Yes, indeed.
And we decided to make that your job.
From this day forward, you are our new executive assistant in charge of archival footage and, uh, and anything else that nobody else wants to do.
Your pay will still be what the guild call "shit," but we wanted you to know you had a firm place here at "The Tonight Show.
" That is, if you'd like that.
I would like that.
I would like that very much.
- Splendid.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man of the hour, Mr.
Johnny Carson! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, bravo! [WHISTLING.]
- Ho! - Ho! That's a mafia cake if I ever saw one.
S.
.
somewhere tonight, Betty Crocker is in bed with a hernia.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [SIGHS.]
I can't see a damn thing.
Hey.
Come here.
Come here.
First of all, I would be, uh, dishonest if I did not say that I was tremendously flattered and tremendously honored that you would all come here tonight Wow.
I've never seen Johnny like this.
Well, he bleeds, he cries just like the rest of us.
Just with a lot more money.
With a lot of great help from a lot of people.
There have been a number of producers, number of writers in the past been associated with this show, but I would like to, specifically tonight, thank my producer now, whom you all know, who was Mr.
Jack Benny's producer for many years, - Mr.
Freddie de Cordova.
- Ah.
[CHUCKLES.]
I would like to thank my writers.
There have been many writers on "The Tonight Show.
" This is a terribly difficult show to kind of write.
They do a lot of the work that you never see.
They very often make me look good when I'm out there because they give me notes, they give me things to talk about.
Hey, boss, shouldn't we get paid by the word?! Who was who was that? He-he didn't say anything! He he said nothing! - [LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
- What's that? I can edit that.
Oh, I forgot to introduce somebody.
My gal, my lady friend, Ms.
Joanna Holland.
Blessed.
It's very difficult to hide things from this town.
So I think it's only fair to tell you tonight.
.
that we were married at 1:30 this afternoon Son of a bitch! Oh! Oh, hey! So that's it.
- I knew he was hiding something.
- God bless him.
My apologies to the press for not informing you beforehand, but sometimes you like to do those things kind of quietly.
And, uh, I love her very much - and, uh thank you for coming.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Are you crying? - No! - No, shut up.
- All right, all right.
- Did he just wink at us? Yeah.
- We got a wink, boys.
[LAUGHS.]
Maybe he was winking at you.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Mmm.
Thank you.
And you know, we don't have to stay for this whole thing, so I say that we blow this Popsicle stand and go celebrate.
- You and me? - Mm-hmm.
Let me just go say a few hellos and, um go home and change my clothes.
I'll pick you up at your place in, like, an hour.
- Okay.
- We'll go somewhere fun.
Or we don't necessarily have to go anywhere.
Okay.
Okay, thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, you don't really have to always say thank you.
I know.
It's, like, uh it's this thing that I do.
Uh - Thank you.
Thank you for so - Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'll see you there.
Okay.
So, hey that was quite a terrific stunt Johnny pulled off, huh? [CHUCKLES AND SNIFFS.]
You okay? Yeah, I I got a little cold.
Say, that was quite a terrific stunt Johnny pulled off, huh? [SNIFFS.]
You sure you're okay? Yeah, yeah, I yeah, [CHUCKLES.]
well, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm, uh, just gonna hit the little boys' room.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay.
You're you're gorgeous.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Yeah, those things will kill ya.
Dad doesn't look too great.
I know.
Says he's got a cold.
[SCOFFS.]
Honey, that that is not a cold.
I've been in this town a long time, and a lot of people big people had colds that turned out not to be colds.
That that's not a cold.
[SNIFFS.]
[GASPS QUIETLY.]
[BERNIE SOBBING.]
I'm so sorry.
I've been alone, babe - For such a long, long time - I've been lonely Trying to find someone to call mine, all mine - Baby - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Someone with - Sweet love and affection - Love and affection To give my heart a little sweet direction Hey, little brother.
Buddy? - Can I come in? - Yeah! Yeah, c Please hold me tight And I'll love you for all my might - And everything's gonna be all right Baby, I need you You know I need you, baby
I've been alone, babe - For such a long, long time - I've been lonely [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Tryin' to find someone - To call mine, all mine - Baby - Well, hello.
[SIGHS.]
- May I come in? - Sweet love and affection - Love and affection To give my heart a little sweet direction - Honey, ooh - Someone with sweet loving and care - Ooh - To make my heart feel not so worried Ow! It's 7:00 in beautiful Los Angeles, the city where all good dreams come true.
Okay, folks, big show today, and not a lot of time.
Let's get it together.
Is this all for the anniversary show? - Benny, that light has to come up - It's so green! - a little higher.
- So, we're not using the regular stuff.
- The regular stuff's - Surely, there must be some other place - you can be right now.
No? No? Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
- Out of the way.
Out of the way.
And gee, - Okay.
gee, they were supposed to finish painting this wall a while ago! - And get some more flowers in here.
Come on guys - Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
'cause I don't want Freddie riding my ass! So, in order of arrival, it's Jack Benny, George Burns, Don Rickles.
And Jerry Lewis is definitely in? - Confirmed an hour ago.
Thank you, but we still - Oh, nicely done, young lady.
Good morning, guys.
I was wondering if there was anything - Is it important? - What? What you feel obliged to say right now.
Is it important? - Wha - Splendid.
[FREDDIE SIGHS.]
[CLOCK TICKING.]
Maybe no one's getting fired.
- Maybe we're all getting renewed.
- No, no, no, no.
They always fire somebody, okay? This is how they keep the others in line.
It stinks.
It really stinks.
Sure, says the guy with the two-year contract.
When did he say he'd let us know? - Today.
- Yeah, I know today! But when? God, I swear, it-it-it's worse than the Nazis, you know? I mean, not that they were good, but, I mean, if they didn't like you, they didn't like you.
They let you know right up front.
Okay, m-m-maybe it's not the best analogy.
What?! I was just wondering if there was anything - Will you get out of here, Klavin? - [ALL TURNING HIM DOWN AT ONCE.]
- No, thank you.
Thank you.
- Not now.
Not now, I mean it.
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
And by the way, we're shitting blood worrying about our jobs, and this kid, from nowhere, with no discernible skill or talent, gets a free ride, not a care in the world.
He's a good kid.
I'm not saying he's not expendable, okay? I'd push him into a river, but he's a good kid.
He ain't that good.
Well, it doesn't matter.
He's Johnny's boy.
He's protected.
What if I was from Nebraska? You'd be more miserable and less funny.
Joey Bishop's car somebody please find out why it's not at Joey Bishop's house.
- I can get on that.
- Thank you.
[VIDEO GAME BLOOPING.]
What? What are you doing? What is that? It's called Pong.
- Do you want to try? - No.
Why are you in here? - ["GAME OVER" SOUND.]
- 'Cause [SIGHS.]
nobody has anything for me to do.
So find something! Um [BLOOPING CONTINUES.]
uh, I-I know that some of the writers are are getting fired today or not picked up or or whatever.
Am am I in that same kind of a am I getting fired today? What? No.
I don't think so.
- ["GAME OVER" SOUND.]
- This is so stupid.
Okay, wait, wait.
What do you mean, you don't think so? You mean, like, I might get fired? Like, that's possible? - Ah-huh.
- ["GAME OVER" SOUND.]
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
Anything's possible.
It's show business.
You want to know what else pisses me off? All these divorce jokes and alimony jokes.
Ever since Johnny's in love again, these are dead totally useless.
Honestly, least of your fucking problems, Alan.
Gentlemen, I just want to say however this plays out - No.
No, no.
Don't get all sappy about it.
- Oh, come on.
I have had a terrific 13 weeks with you guys.
- Jim, you're gonna - Being able to come in here every day, - just, I like forward to work.
- [ALL GROAN AND COMPLAIN.]
- Cheers to us.
- Okay, Jim.
Nobody's "cheers"-ing you, so have a seat, please.
- Yeah.
- Come on, everybody.
Let's go.
We're way behind.
[SCREAMS.]
- Jesus, Dad! - Uh, I didn't mean to startle you, sweetheart.
Why are you here? I have some George Burns business to take care of.
You know what he's like if I'm not here.
Is it okay if I use your desk for a bit? - [SLURPING LOUDLY.]
- Sure.
You want me to come find you when he's gone? - Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Wait, Freddie actually said that? Yes.
He said he wants to tell everybody individually, face to face, one at a time.
- But just not yet.
Great.
- He's gonna call.
Okay, well, uh, see if this tickles anybody.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, a rabbi, a priest, a hooker, a transvestite, a black guy, a lawyer, a retard, and a dead baby all walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What's the occasion?" Rabbi says, "No fucking idea!" Just curious.
Um why'd you make it the rabbi? Well, I I had it the black guy, but I didn't want you asking, "Why is it always the black guy?" And that is why I should be let go, because clearly, I have no fucking sense of what's funny.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Okay.
Sure.
[SNIFFS.]
He wants to see you first.
- Shit.
- No.
Jim, this is a good thing.
Come on.
He's not gonna fire the first guy in the office.
- Come on.
- Come on.
Course not.
- You're fine.
- Just go, relax, be funny.
That's [BLEEPS AND BLOOPS.]
So, it seems, unbeknownst to anyone, the network went back and got Dean Martin to do the show.
- Okay.
- No.
Not okay! Dean.
And Jerry Lewis.
On the same show.
They haven't shared a stage since since 1956! There is bad blood there.
This is a big problem.
- Argh! - A big, big problem.
[GROANS.]
Little fucker! Ha-ha! - So? - Uh, can you have Carl come in here, please? - Carl? - Carl, the stage manager.
Have him come in here, please.
- You bet.
- ["GAME OVER" SOUND.]
[TSKS.]
Oh! Pis y caca.
Entrez! Jim.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jimmy Boy.
St.
James.
[CHUCKLES.]
Please, please, have a seat.
- Have a seat.
- Okay, okay.
Listen, I I just want you to know how delighted we all are with your work here.
I mean, no kidding, every night, night after night, you've contributed brilliantly, and it's just wonderful, top-notch stuff.
[CHUCKLES QUIETLY.]
Thank you.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Thank you, Freddie.
Thank you.
- That means the world to me.
- Yeah, well, that's why it pains me so to have to let you go.
What? This this is no reflection on your enormous talents.
But I just bought a I bought a house.
Anyhow! [CHUCKLES.]
Listen, good luck.
I'm sure you'll land on your feet in no time.
So, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis? We're good and screwed, huh? Any reason we couldn't run a remote camera over to Dean Martin and have him prerecord an interview, 20 seconds max, and then drop it in at top of show? That way, Dean can go home early, we get Dean and Jerry, and they never have to be in the same room.
Is there any reason we can't do that? No.
That's that's brilliant - brilliant.
- Wow.
You're really good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This thing's kicking my Oh! Poo.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, Jim.
- So, so sorry.
Oh.
- Jimbo, I'm sorry, man.
It's never easy, but, uh you're a you're a talented guy.
You're gonna you're gonna land on your feet.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Okay.
Alan.
You're up.
I fucking hate show business.
[SIGHS.]
- Hey.
- Huh! Is there anything that I can do? Uh, yes.
You could take this tuxedo to Don Rickles' dressing room.
- Really? - Yeah.
You think you can handle that? [LAUGHING.]
Yes! Absolutely! - Okay.
Mmm! Okay.
- I'm off.
Entrez! Oh, Alan.
Alan.
[ALAN GIGGLES.]
- Thank you! Thank you! - You're welcome.
No, no.
- That's okay.
That's good.
No, no, no.
- I just I love show business so much.
- You know, I mean, this, - Yeah.
to me, this art form, has just oh, we're leaving, okay.
- We all love it.
We all love it.
- Thank you.
I'll go.
- This is Thank you - Go ahead.
Keep up the good work.
- so much.
I mean it, thank you.
- You're welcome.
You're welcome, - I'll be here.
Okay.
- yeah.
Yeah, okay.
[SIGHING.]
Should've kept the other guy.
[GIGGLING.]
I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm I'm coming back.
I'm really I'm good.
I'm great.
I'm really All right, all right, all right, all right.
And I am so sorry.
I-I truly am.
- No, congratulations.
- Hey, thank you.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Hello? That's 107.
Okay.
Wrong number.
You Whoa, whoa, whoa! Shut it off! Shut it off! [MOANS.]
[GASPS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SCOFFS.]
- [GROANS.]
- [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
[SIGHING.]
Hello? [CLOCK TICKING LOUDLY.]
Okay.
Hmm? [KNOCKS.]
Entrez! Ah! Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell.
[CHUCKLES.]
Have a seat.
- Make yourself comfortable.
- Okay.
- This is no fun, is it? - No.
So let's skip the pleasantries and get right down to business.
Okay.
The bad news is you'll be coming back for another 13 weeks.
- What? - Congratulations.
- I'm coming back? - You're coming back.
- Are you kidding me? [SIGHS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah, do it.
That's nice.
That's good.
- Oh! Oh, God, oh.
[SIGHS.]
- Thank you.
That's okay.
- No, no, no, no.
There's no - That's not Come on.
Come on.
- Yeah, right.
Sorry about that.
That was inappropriate, man.
- All right, I'm gonna - Yeah! Yeah.
Yeah, get in there, and write - Get me some funny.
Funny! Let's be funny! - Yeah, I got I got you, man.
All right.
- Thank you.
- Let's be funny.
- Son - Look.
Okay, I know it's I know it's been fun and all, and and but I I just Dad, I just keep on screwing up, and I just want to come home.
Son, I I don't think that's a good idea.
- You have a new job there now, and - I don't know if I do.
I don't even know what my job is, and nobody here seems to know either.
Do you wanna know where I am right now? - Where? - I'm in the basement.
I'm hiding.
And I don't even think anyone would care if I even left.
- Well, of course they would.
- No, Dad.
They wouldn't.
- Okay.
It it.
.
- You're not coming home! My boys are not quitters.
Can I talk to Mom? Mom? Uh, Mom, uh, she's she's, uh, she's out right now.
Well, can I can I talk to Buddy? Buddy is, uh, he's with your mom.
- Dad, the thing is, I just I just - This is just not a good time, Andy.
Okay, you called at a very bad time, so I think what you should do is is just buckle up and figure it out.
And you earn that trust Mr.
Carson so graciously gave to you.
Okay, I love you.
We're very proud of you.
I'll talk to you soon.
- [PHONE DISCONNECTS.]
- - [APPLAUSE.]
- Well, folks you've come on a great night.
Celebrating 10 years on the air.
Let's see, I was 24 when the show started.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
I've come to welcome you, to tell you to sit back and enjoy and have a great time.
It's gonna be a great one.
[APPLAUSE.]
[INDISTINCT MURMUR.]
Ah.
Gonna be a great one.
[CHUCKLES.]
You see, uh, the Dean Martin promo? Great idea Joy had.
Dean Martin in three two Ah, no, this isn't "The Dean Martin Show.
" But don't touch your dial, because you got a treat coming up.
Where is young lovely Joy? Where is she? Ten years.
That's a long time.
I'd drink to that.
Here's looking at ya, Johnny.
[BLEEPING AND BLOOPING.]
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
- But I I almost had the - It's all gonna be okay.
- I was just about to get the - Come on.
Come on.
- But I oh - Yeah, I know.
It's okay.
Did you know that it takes over 100 talented people to put a show like this together? - A show like this.
Not - [LAUGHTER.]
A show like this.
Ours is put together by three winos.
Ah - Ten years do you believe that? - Yes.
I have trouble getting by the seventh year on anything.
[LAUGHTER.]
That was Jim's line.
Yeah.
Gee, a lot has happened in the past decade.
- Oh, yeah.
- Two presidents, right? Three presidents.
Two wars.
Twelve different series starring Don Rickles.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Ah I just want to give him something to warm up on backstage.
Don is with us tonight.
Do you remember the very first time? I remember it.
You probably don't.
- What's this? You what? - The very first time you said, - "And now here's Johnny.
" - Yes.
Unfortunately, that was during the coronation of Pope John.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- And, uh - remember they threw you out of the Vatican - Yes.
- and said, "Don't come back.
" - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
No, ten years ago tonight, a very frightened, nervous, funny young man walked out here on this stage, and I want to thank Joey Bishop for filling in that first show.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Uh [MAN WHISTLING.]
- Hey.
- Ah! What the fuck? What's wrong with you? - Scaring a man like that.
- I'm sorry.
What you doing down here anyway, Skippy? You believe this shit? Look at this.
What does it say here all over the box? - "TNT.
" - Exactly.
How in the fuck is anybody supposed to know "TNT" stands for "The Tonight Show"? I swear, if you wanna say "The Tonight Show," say "TTS.
" Or if you want to get right to it, "TS.
" "Tonight Show.
" You put "TNT" on a box, you're gonna scare people.
This shit been sitting up at security going on three weeks now.
- So what is it? - No idea.
Shit from back east.
Yes, sir, it starts in New Jersey and ends up here.
That is one sad-ass journey.
Yeah, all right, Skippy.
- You stay out of trouble, now.
- All right.
[WHISTLING.]
[TSKS.]
Huh.
Would you welcome, please, Mr.
Don Rickles.
[APPLAUSE.]
Angelo why wouldn't the man bring a tuxedo - like everyone else? - Don't know.
Forgive me for my dress, uh, John, but, uh, [CHUCKLES.]
I'm working, and I I had no idea there was gonna be a wedding tonight or something.
Freddie, your producer Freddie, over here, where the light is! - Ah - [LAUGHTER.]
He just sits on the stool going, "I'm in charge.
" [LAUGHING.]
This, it's so nice, it really is.
- What, ten year? I - Yeah.
- Will you! I I - I'm sorry.
Well you are my all-time favorite.
You know that.
And I always idolized you.
But if you blow smoke in my face once more, I'll kill you.
[LAUGHTER.]
Idol or no idol, that's it! Since this is the tenth year, and there's kind of a highlight, at least with this kind of a show, for ten years.
What's been the highlight of your life? Or some of you? - No, a real highlight.
- Oh - Um - A memorable anniversary or an honor or Yeah.
I I have a memorable highlight.
- Um - Now, wait a minute, - George Burns has a highlight.
- I've got a highlight.
- I've got Oh, George - You hold your highlight until George My big highlight is when I played the Jefferson Theater.
- The Jefferson Theater? - On 14th Street.
- That was in New York.
- New York.
- And I played there for three days.
- Yeah.
And I wasn't closed.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Johnny.
You know what my highlight was? - Yes, sir.
What? My highlight was when my little hometown, Waukegan, Illinois, built a school, a junior high school, and named it after me, called - the Jack Benny Junior High School - That's a lot of funny Jews.
Not tonight.
Okay, thank you.
You know, the exciting thing about doing a show like this - is that you get a ch - [LAUGHTER.]
is that you get a chance to get together with people that you rarely We all live here I rarely see George or Jack or Joey or Ed.
You don't see me much either.
Did it ever occur that maybe nobody likes you? [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh! - Ouch.
Jeez.
Gotta say, that wasn't even Jerry's fault.
What is with Johnny tonight? Does he seem really off? You know I just say that in jest.
He's hurt.
[LAUGHTER.]
- And I'll get you for that, John.
- They say, "Stay close to Fred" [CHUCKLES.]
.
Yeah.
Ah.
Now you see why Johnny wanted just clips? Oh - [APPLAUSE.]
- Thank you all.
["JOHNNY'S THEME" PLAYING.]
Well, that was just a strange show.
- I found them! I found them.
- Hey, where have you been hiding? I found the missing shows! Johnny's first ten years I found them! - What are you talking about? - I found them in a basement.
They were they were in boxes from New Jersey or something.
And I don't know who sent them or why, but they're not even whole shows, just clips, and there's so many of them, and I only wrote down a few of them.
- You did this? - Mm-hmm.
- While the show was taping? - Mm-hmm.
- You did all of this? - Mm-hmm.
This is really good.
Spectacular show, everyone.
Well, not spectacular, but it's done.
- [GUYS CHUCKLE.]
- Now for the fun part.
I suppose you're all coming to the soirée? - Oh, yeah.
I will be there.
- Sir, absolutely.
- At the what? - The NBC party for everybody at the show.
- Do I get to go? - Everybody gets to go, huh? I I'm going to speculate you don't own a tuxedo.
- No.
- Angelo?! Yeah? Can we perchance set this boy up with a proper tuxedo? Maybe the ones we used for The Marquis Chimps.
- The larger one.
Mongo.
- Ooh, you don't want to use that tux.
- Why not? - Mongo made a boom-boom.
Would you just go get a tux? Say what you will about those Marquis Chimps, they're supremely talented monkeys.
- Freddie, can I talk to you for a second? - If you walk quickly.
Okay.
- [SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.]
- Think they'll have cake? - I really hope - I hope they have cake.
I love cake.
[BOMBASTIC BIG BAND MUSIC.]
- - We're gonna move behind camera two.
Get a wide shot of table nine.
- Hey, look, look at Hey, Johnny's friends.
- Who are they? - Frankie.
Important people.
- Hey.
- Important people! - Hey.
This is absurd.
What say How are we supposed to see past the candles to the? Where are we? You think there's a worse table than this one? Is that possible? Jeez, that's a big cake.
Okay, we got it.
It's a cake.
Move on already.
I heard Raquel Welch is here tonight.
Hey, you know, she's single again.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I'm just saying.
- Good evening, everyone.
- Hey, Rozzie! [ALL OFFER PRAISE.]
- Be still, my heart.
- Cut it out.
Well, finish your thought.
[ALL CONTINUE THEIR PRAISE.]
Wow! Didn't want to deprive you of the whole experience.
Hey, Klavin! Hey! Well, look at you.
Um the the suit fit o-okay? - Very nice.
- Ah just the man I wanted to see.
If it's about Mr.
Rickles, uh, I c I c I can totally explain.
Mr.
Rickles? What about Mr.
Rickles? Oh.
Uh, no.
Uh, nothing.
Don't, uh - So, uh, what were you going to say? - I was simply going to say that Joy here told me about the footage you unearthed.
- How amazing was I mean I just - Still talking.
- Sorry.
- She showed me the work you did and the cataloging and all that, and I I must say I was impressed with your initiative, as was Mr.
Carson.
- Mr.
Carson.
- Yes, indeed.
And we decided to make that your job.
From this day forward, you are our new executive assistant in charge of archival footage and, uh, and anything else that nobody else wants to do.
Your pay will still be what the guild call "shit," but we wanted you to know you had a firm place here at "The Tonight Show.
" That is, if you'd like that.
I would like that.
I would like that very much.
- Splendid.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man of the hour, Mr.
Johnny Carson! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, bravo! [WHISTLING.]
- Ho! - Ho! That's a mafia cake if I ever saw one.
S.
.
somewhere tonight, Betty Crocker is in bed with a hernia.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [SIGHS.]
I can't see a damn thing.
Hey.
Come here.
Come here.
First of all, I would be, uh, dishonest if I did not say that I was tremendously flattered and tremendously honored that you would all come here tonight Wow.
I've never seen Johnny like this.
Well, he bleeds, he cries just like the rest of us.
Just with a lot more money.
With a lot of great help from a lot of people.
There have been a number of producers, number of writers in the past been associated with this show, but I would like to, specifically tonight, thank my producer now, whom you all know, who was Mr.
Jack Benny's producer for many years, - Mr.
Freddie de Cordova.
- Ah.
[CHUCKLES.]
I would like to thank my writers.
There have been many writers on "The Tonight Show.
" This is a terribly difficult show to kind of write.
They do a lot of the work that you never see.
They very often make me look good when I'm out there because they give me notes, they give me things to talk about.
Hey, boss, shouldn't we get paid by the word?! Who was who was that? He-he didn't say anything! He he said nothing! - [LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
- What's that? I can edit that.
Oh, I forgot to introduce somebody.
My gal, my lady friend, Ms.
Joanna Holland.
Blessed.
It's very difficult to hide things from this town.
So I think it's only fair to tell you tonight.
.
that we were married at 1:30 this afternoon Son of a bitch! Oh! Oh, hey! So that's it.
- I knew he was hiding something.
- God bless him.
My apologies to the press for not informing you beforehand, but sometimes you like to do those things kind of quietly.
And, uh, I love her very much - and, uh thank you for coming.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Are you crying? - No! - No, shut up.
- All right, all right.
- Did he just wink at us? Yeah.
- We got a wink, boys.
[LAUGHS.]
Maybe he was winking at you.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Mmm.
Thank you.
And you know, we don't have to stay for this whole thing, so I say that we blow this Popsicle stand and go celebrate.
- You and me? - Mm-hmm.
Let me just go say a few hellos and, um go home and change my clothes.
I'll pick you up at your place in, like, an hour.
- Okay.
- We'll go somewhere fun.
Or we don't necessarily have to go anywhere.
Okay.
Okay, thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, you don't really have to always say thank you.
I know.
It's, like, uh it's this thing that I do.
Uh - Thank you.
Thank you for so - Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'll see you there.
Okay.
So, hey that was quite a terrific stunt Johnny pulled off, huh? [CHUCKLES AND SNIFFS.]
You okay? Yeah, I I got a little cold.
Say, that was quite a terrific stunt Johnny pulled off, huh? [SNIFFS.]
You sure you're okay? Yeah, yeah, I yeah, [CHUCKLES.]
well, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm, uh, just gonna hit the little boys' room.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay.
You're you're gorgeous.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Yeah, those things will kill ya.
Dad doesn't look too great.
I know.
Says he's got a cold.
[SCOFFS.]
Honey, that that is not a cold.
I've been in this town a long time, and a lot of people big people had colds that turned out not to be colds.
That that's not a cold.
[SNIFFS.]
[GASPS QUIETLY.]
[BERNIE SOBBING.]
I'm so sorry.
I've been alone, babe - For such a long, long time - I've been lonely Trying to find someone to call mine, all mine - Baby - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Someone with - Sweet love and affection - Love and affection To give my heart a little sweet direction Hey, little brother.
Buddy? - Can I come in? - Yeah! Yeah, c Please hold me tight And I'll love you for all my might - And everything's gonna be all right Baby, I need you You know I need you, baby