Thirtysomething (1987) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Why should I mind? When you're invited to somebody's house for dinner, you don't expect to have to cook it yourself.
Oh, please.
After six weeks of TV dinners, I'd do anything for a home-cooked meal.
You don't have a machine that does this? - Sorry, no salt.
- No salt? How could you run out of salt? I've had the same shaker of salt for four years.
It was left by a previous tenant.
Michael, did you move the veal chops? Yes, honey.
I mounted them on the foyer wall.
I figured what's the good of having expensive cuts of meat if passers-by can't see them? Right? Oh, God.
We ate them yesterday.
Michael, Ellyn can't know that we don't have any food.
She already thinks I'm a failure at my career for leaving it to be a housewife.
If she finds out I'm a bad housewife, she'll lose all respect for me.
What should I do? Sooner or later, she's gonna find out she isn't eating.
Stall her until I think of something.
Maybe you could try to be nice to her.
That would really throw her off guard.
"So, Ellyn, how's life at City Hall?" he said as if he cared.
You know that new Art Center project? The one we don't need, can't afford, and once completed will never be used? Sure.
I voted against it in referendum.
City Council just gave it number-1 priority.
Of course they did.
See, they gouge us for all these taxes, and they can't possibly do something useful with the money, like sheltering the homeless.
So they build them an art gallery instead.
Well, can't you stop it? I mean, you're a bureaucrat.
Can't you bury it in red tape until it stops breathing? I'd like to, but I was kind of put in charge of it.
Ellyn! Congratulations.
That's a big step up.
Oh, Hope, give it up.
No, no.
You are not leaving here until you have a well-balanced meal.
I know that I have Aha! Just like Mom used to make.
Why Why didn't you ask her? I couldn't ask her.
She's a friend.
You don't beg work from friends.
Of course you do.
What are friends for if you don't use 'em occasionally? She's not even technically my friend.
- She's Hope's friend.
- Well, good.
So if you blow it, then it's no big deal.
Janine, you want to get that, please? - What? - The phone.
The thing that's ringing.
Is it for me? I'll let you know.
Talentless Frauds, Incorporated.
Yeah, she is.
Hold on.
Janine, it's your mother.
Michael.
I'm not asking her.
Oh, could you take a message? Sure.
No problem.
Michael.
I'm not asking her.
Honey, she's my friend.
Yeah, and I shouldn't take advantage of that friendship.
Don't be ridiculous.
Friends help each other.
Yes, and that's why there's so much corruption in politics.
You know, people go to jail for giving their friends contracts.
Friends go to jail for accepting these contracts.
Did your mother have a baby-sitter? Yes but she had a very limited criminal career.
Darling, Ellyn wouldn't hire you unless she thought you were qualified.
Then what good is she? I can't can't do this.
It's asking for favors, and I can't do that.
Uh, either I get the job because I'm the best person for it, or I don't want the job.
Okay.
So I'll ask her.
Uh no.
I can't I can't let you do that.
I, um I wouldn't feel good about it, and and anyway, okay, let's say you do it and and I get the job.
I'd never know if she wanted to give it to me or if you forced her to give it to me.
And anyway, how are you gonna go about asking her? - Now, I'm leaving the room.
- Hello.
Ellyn? - It's me.
- Mention the dairy campaign and also that Hanover thing - with the with the the floating billboard.
- Shh! And and the ille You want to go to the supermarket? 20 minutes.
I'll honk out front.
Bye.
The supermarket? It's 10:00 at night.
You don't think that's a little suspicious? Michael, will you trust me? I promise she'll never even know you want the job.
So.
Michael really wants this job.
Right? I figured.
I mean, the supermarket at 10:00 at night? I do my best shopping then.
No lines, no waiting, no Janey.
No wedding ring.
God, you got sharp eyes.
So why didn't he ask me? He didn't want you to think that he was imposing on your friendship.
Are you kidding? What friendship? I don't even like Michael.
But you respect him.
As a professional, of course.
I mean, he and Elliot are terrific.
I'll have them come in and meet Woodman.
Have Have I, uh, mentioned Steve Woodman before? 6 feet, blond hair, cocker-spaniel eyes.
- Oh, I did mention him.
- Mm-hmm.
Anyway, it's really up to him.
If they sell themselves to him, they get the job.
It's so weird, Hope.
I can't read him at all.
I mean, he looks at me.
You know? And I can't tell whether it's "I like you, I want your love," or "You have something between your teeth.
" Well, ask him.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Right.
Sorry.
Janey's teething.
Uh.
I know what that's like.
I'll just be a few more weeks.
Well, why don't you go home and take a nap? I'll take Janey back to my house for a while.
Thanks, but no.
If I went home, I'd just feel guilty because I should be at the dry cleaner's or the supermarket or Oh, no.
Diapers.
And the laundry.
Oh.
Honey.
You're losin' it.
I am? Yeah.
I know the sign.
You need a little time to yourself.
You know, I have this great baby-sitter.
Why don't I bring her over, and you can meet her? I don't know.
Every other mother in the world can handle this.
My mother handled it.
Yeah, and I bet your mother had her mother to help her, and when she wasn't available, she had a grandmother.
I should be able to handle it.
I can handle this.
How is that? I'm eating Pablum.
Uhh.
We're trying to make an impression, okay? So don't spill any paperclips or pencils or anything.
- How do I look? - You're stunning.
You're beautiful.
We'll get the account on looks alone.
Are you still using that tar shampoo? Hi.
Woodman's waiting.
I did a pitch on you guys.
He thinks you're the Lautrec and Stravinsky of the ad world.
Now all you have to do is be brilliant.
Oh.
No problem.
We're dead.
Well, then the three of us.
Yep.
Yep.
Okay.
Steve Woodman.
I'd like you to meet - Toulouse and Igor.
- How you doin'? - Damn nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
So, I hear you're in advertising now.
Yeah, but you can only take so much of the personal satisfaction that comes from millions of people - who accept that your work is genius.
- So we figure why not do something really mediocre and unfulfilling? Oh.
Well, you've come to the right place.
Well, I assume Ellyn told you that we're completely up against it here.
We have till sometime next week to popularize modern art.
- Piece of cake! - Oh.
I like these guys.
- You sure you don't know 'em? - Never seen 'em before.
So, we've, uh, established the fact that this is an impossible job, has to be done in a ludicrous amount of time.
So tell me.
Why should I hire you to do it? Well, we really feel like it's easier for our Why should I care if he likes 'em? Because I recommended them? What am I so paranoid about? They'll do a great job.
They're incredibly talented.
Was this campaign for the dairies It actually changes the molecular fibers of the carpets It's the best.
The best.
- Coating each molecule with a Teflon byproduct.
- Plus, it's indestructible.
- Can I have a moment of your time, sir? - Look at those combs! - You can beat it.
You can bang it.
These are beautiful! Now, wait a minute.
We had that, what, five days? See, the whole Our whole approach to this - is is basically, you know - Demograph If Woodman doesn't feel they can do the job, he won't hire them.
He's very straightforward.
He'll tell them.
Power tools.
- Of course - Here's another one we did.
We've been working together for six months, and he hasn't told me how he feels about me.
We came up with I wonder if he knows how I feel about him.
We're small.
We're independent.
We're hungry.
And we're fast.
I want you.
Sorry? I want you to make this decision.
I mean, it's your project.
Oh.
Okay.
- Guys nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
Say hi to Van Gogh if you see him.
- Five minutes? - Five minutes, right.
Job's yours.
You have four days.
- All right.
- Great.
- All right.
- Terrific.
Okay - Bye.
- Okay.
- Bye-bye.
All right, all right, all right! Mike, can you believe that? I mean, can you believe that? - Four days.
- We killed 'em.
- Four days! - We slaughtered 'em.
- Four days? - We slaughtered 'em! Ooh! Mike, I'm abandoning my child to a complete stranger, and how do I know this person isn't gonna be sweet in front of me and then when I leave, start doing strange psychological experiments or teaching her how to curse or something? So.
We've narrowed our fears down to electric shock or blasphemy.
It happened to Ethan.
You know, all of a sudden, last week he comes home from school, every second word out of his mouth was "Jesus Christ.
" "Jesus Christ, Mom, I don't want to wear that shirt.
" "Jesus Christ, Grandma, are you still alive?" Where are they? Where are my lucky argyle socks? I burned them.
Janey and I tied them to an inverted cross in the backyard, and we danced around them naked until they lost all their powers.
Check the drier.
Oh.
The drier.
Oh, thank God! Janey, you didn't do that.
Where's the other one? It's not here.
No, I can't I can't wear just one.
It's her.
Michael, tell her to go away.
Tell her it's a mistake.
Tell her it's no offense, but there's no way I can leave my child with someone like her.
- Hi! Glad you could make it.
- Hi.
This is Amy.
Amy, this is Hope.
Hi.
Who are you? Who is this ugly child? Oh, look at those teeth.
Are you a chipmunk? Can I hold her? She hasn't really been around strangers very much.
Oh, well, I can see this is going to be a terrible child.
Are you going to tell me what your name is? No? No? Well, I guess that leaves me no choice but to just throw you in the air! Is Janey fierce? It's worse than we thought.
See you later.
Isn't she wonderful? - Hey.
- And can't you just love her? - Whee! - Yeah.
Janey really seems to like her.
Look.
Boom.
And he divebombs to Janey.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Yeah, we gotta be going.
Ethan's gotta go see Mr.
Dentist.
Jesus Christ, Mom.
Ethan! - Sorry.
I forgot.
- Ohhh! Come on.
Come on, baby.
And what do you think of this? It's a doggie dance.
It's a doggie dance.
Doggie dance.
Whee! It's your Art Center! It's too condescending.
- Condescending.
- Right.
It's It's It's our Art Center.
- Too general.
- General.
Gener Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Guy in a hardhat.
- Yeah? - He's smiling.
- Right.
- He's proud.
- Right.
"Yo, it my Art Center.
" "Yo, it's my Art Center"? We do six different bus bench ads, okay? Six different normal, non-artsy-type people, all saying it's their Art Center.
Then we do one big TV spot where they're all fighting over it, and and five people are killed, and the winner comes out, like, all bloody with their arm hangin' off, and they hand him the deed.
A grandmother.
She's walking through the gallery.
She's with her 4-year-old granddaughter.
"The Art Center has something for everybody.
" - Now, I like that.
- Okay.
Michael, that's good.
That's good.
And they're looking at a picture, and we pull back, and it's David Hockney's painting of all the nude guys in the shower.
And the little girl, she looks up at her grandmother with these big, brown, inquisitive eyes, searching her grandmother's face, and says, "Nana what's that?" Voice-over: "The Art Center:".
An education unto itself.
" - Can we work now? - No.
It's lunchtime.
- No food.
- Yes! No food.
Food puts you to sleep, Elliot.
- I'm starving.
I can't work.
- If we eat, we won't come up with an idea! And then everybody will know we're frauds, and we'll be forced into a life of petty crime to feed our starving children.
- That's it.
- What? That's it! - Crime! - Elliot.
No, no! That's completely, totally it.
That's We're in a maximum security prison.
Right? And And we're trackin' with the prison guard as he goes from cell to cell pushing a mail cart.
He stops, delivers an envelope to a grizzled lifer.
The lifer, he rips open the envelope, and it's an invitation to be the chartered member of the Art Center.
And he weeps.
He weeps, Michael.
"If only I hadn't killed that pimp, I could attend the gala opening party at the Art Center.
" Narrator Ralph doesn't have a choice.
You do.
Be there for Ralph.
I'm phonin' in the lunch order.
Mike.
You gotta relax.
It's just fear, dread, and anxiety.
I mean, we're gonna deal with this on every job.
Mikey! We're back! Good to see you, guy! We feel terrible! What? It's us Fear, Dread, and Anxiety.
Did you miss us? So, what's this? No ideas? Michael, didn't I warn you? Don't use all your good ideas early in your career! There's only so many of them out there, and once you use them up they're gone! Okay.
Don't tell me.
You pushed your way into this account that's too big to handle even if it didn't have an impossible deadline, which you won't get even if you did get a good idea, which you won't get because you have no imagination or talent.
Ha! Are we leaving anything out? Are you gonna have a doctor look at that mole? Mole? Ohh I'm gonna go for a walk.
I gotta clear my head.
Do you happen to know what the air quality is today? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
No construction costs? - I can't cut the constructions costs.
- None? And I can't I'm not gonna cut the contractors.
No labor costs? At all? I'll end up on a meat hook.
Okay.
So, what's the answer? You're the hot-shot budget cutter.
Why look at me? 'Cause you wouldn't like what I'd cut.
Try me.
Okay.
First hit contingencies.
Look at this.
18%, right? 8% of this is for projected cost overrides, which we both know means greasing someone's palm.
What? Nothing.
Uh so.
So we step on a few toes.
Maybe things don't go so smoothly.
Add 3%.
But you subtract that from from - From 7% - 8%.
Right.
8%.
And And you're left with 5 5 per What? Nothing.
- You're staring at me.
- No, I'm not.
Yes Um Okay.
Next, we're, uh we're paying these developers 500 Gs for the land.
Right? Land that they bought after they were tipped that we were interested in the site.
They buy it for pennies and then sell it to us for double retail Will you stop doing that? A fleck of green.
What? Your eyes.
They have a a fleck of, uh green.
I'm flawed.
C-Could we work now? Yeah.
Let's work.
Okay.
This is my favorite.
The Impact Report, right? We're paying someone $7 million so that they can tell us that art's gonna have an impact on society.
Now, I'm not saying that this person is a certain councilman's sister, but there is this uncanny familial resemblance What are you doing? I don't know.
Ohh What? I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
That's it.
I'm sorry.
No.
No.
- No? - No.
No.
I mean, this is I I I've Look, I want to.
I mean, but I can't.
I don't know.
Uh, not right now.
I don't know why.
And this is really embarrassing, and I'm really sorry.
So, um Here, we we, uh, we, uh, knock off the bogus report.
We uh, 5% overrides, we don't tip the developers, and we build this thing for three-quarters of the price.
An idea.
Just one mediocre idea, God.
That's all I ask.
What's happening to us? We're brilliant! We've We We had millions of ideas.
Thousands.
H-Hundreds of ideas.
We've h I know we had a couple really good ones.
Oh, we stole them.
Please, God I've never asked you for anything before.
Oh, okay, okay, I've asked you for a lot of things, but but this time, this time I really need a miracle.
So just just make me smart, at least until we get through this campaign, or or make my partner smart.
All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, we're grinding here.
We're grinding.
It's like metal against metal.
It's no oil.
We need to We need to uh, uh, uh - uh, uh, uh - A new partner, God.
- Uh, uh, uh - That's all I ask.
Just goin' uh, uh, uh, uh uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh uh, uh, uh I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! - I hate it! - You hate it? I really, really hate it.
So do I.
Well, at least you didn't slap his face.
- Ohh - That Janey? Do I hear her crying? Huh.
Sounded sort of muffled, as if she were being choked by a crazed baby-sitter.
Thanks for the reassurance.
Oh, what is wrong with me? For months I'm having fantasies about being trapped in the stockroom with this guy, and then he kisses me, and I totally fall apart.
He's your boss, and you know that office romance is disaster.
Are you kidding? I would welcome disaster.
At least I'd go out with a bang.
So what's the problem? Nothing.
No problem.
Never mind.
What? Hand me the basket.
It's just been a while, that's all.
How much of a while? What, do we have to get into counting months? 'Cause this is a little embarrassing, okay? How many months? Several.
Several months.
15 months.
You're kidding.
Oh, thank you.
I'm going out and applying for admission to a leper colony now.
I'm sorry.
I just thought I I assumed I mean you were the one in college who was so Prolific? I just I mean, I'm surprised.
I mean, why didn't you tell me? What was I supposed to do, call the morning after and say, "Guess what.
Nothing happened again"? It's not like I planned it, you know.
It just happens.
Months go by, and you're not having sex.
And then you're not even thinking about sex.
And all the time, it gets easier and easier not to feel anything.
You? You know what it is? You wait this long, it becomes too damn important.
How do you trust a guy with that, and and what do I do if he's not the right guy? Lynnie, don't you just have to sort of try? I know.
I know.
It's just ♪ I have all these feelings waiting to come out.
You know.
I can just feel 'em here.
You know? Like a dam, like I just can't start off slow after all this time, Hope.
And when he kissed me See, it's so scary to me because I feel that if I start and the dam bursts I'm gonna scare him away.
Hi.
Hi, Ellyn.
Hi.
Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Good day at work? - Oh, yeah.
It was terrific.
Got a lot of terrific ideas.
Oh.
Good.
Good.
Better be.
Uh, where's Janey? Oh, my God.
Janey.
Janey! I'm teaching her how to surf.
Everything's fine.
- Yeah, fine.
- Terrific.
Ohh Hey, Mikey.
Have a great one, Mikey.
Mikey! Aw, no, Mikey.
Aw, now, Mikey I am telling you that dogs are a sure sale.
Everybody loves dogs.
What do dogs have to do with art? - Elliot, we've been through this! - I know that! It is 12:30.
Are we ever going home? Honey, listen, yeah, just a few more minutes.
- We gotta get this.
- You said that two hours ago.
- I know.
- Is Hope okay? Yeah.
We watched the end of Hannah and her Sisters for the eighth time.
We watched the news.
We got through Nightline.
I have never stayed up late enough to watch Nightline before, ever! Honey, look, just a few more minutes, I swear.
Is she coming down? Michael, Hope's asleep.
She nodded off during Vladimir Posnik's rebuttal.
- Posner.
- Wait.
That's it! That's it! That's it! Russians.
Russians.
Russians.
The The Soviets take over the United States, and they ban all art, and a small band of of of, like, uh, - No.
- Uh, fighters take over the - No.
Elliot, Elliot.
- We are going home now.
- You can't leave just now.
No.
Come on! - Please.
Please.
- Oh, Nancy.
I know.
I know.
You think of a campaign.
You don't do anything around here.
Thanks.
Yeah.
That's it.
Nancy comes up with a campaign.
- This is great.
- No, that's a good idea.
You're the artist.
You come up with one good idea, we'll go home.
- Really? - Yep.
Oh you know I can't think of stuff like that.
- Come on.
Come up with this idea.
- Don't say "can't.
" - You can do it, Nancy.
- Nancy.
- She's gonna come up with an idea.
- Come on, Nancy.
How do you come up with a campaign? - Nancy.
Nancy.
Nancy.
- This campaign.
Nancy.
Nancy.
- Leave me alone.
- Nancy.
Nancy.
- Nancy.
Nancy.
- Stop it! Stop it! Okay.
Okay.
Come to the Art Center because because there are all these great paintings there.
What's wrong with that? I'm outta here! Hey, chill.
You have not solved our problem.
No.
It's not my problem.
You solve your own problem! - Drugs! Drugs, drugs.
- No.
Why Why did we stop taking drugs in the first place? Because they made you totally paranoid and insane and incapable of even approximating normal human behavior.
Like, when? A cop pulled Elliot over on the Massachusetts Turnpike.
- Ohh - We were tripping.
I mean, I can't even believe we did that.
How we survived adolescence, I don't know.
But this cop pulls him over, and he says, "How fast do you think you were going?" And Elliot says, "Um, 60 miles an hour, sir?" And the cop shakes his head, and Elliot says, "70?" "80?" "90?" And then this cop looks at Elliot and says, "9 miles an hour.
" - I swear.
- I was being cautious.
Yeah.
I mean, he was so whacked out in college.
I mean, he's lucky he has any brain cells left at all.
Well, that's Well, that's true.
Well, that's it.
That's it.
What would we do if we were in college? - Call our parents? - Pull an all-nighter.
Elliot, we would shoot through This is it! - Come on, Elliot.
Yes? - No.
- No, no, no.
- Yes.
Come on, listen.
We go.
We go, and we just buy a lot of junk food, and then we drink coffee.
We just drink coffee.
We'll die.
We can't do that anymore.
- No, we can.
- We can't do this anymore.
I get all my best ideas at 3 a.
m.
Come on.
We're gonna get totally inspired.
All right, all right, but I'm driving.
You guys are too old for this.
No.
Us? We're young guys.
No! Come on! Uhh? Hey.
Huh? Ohh Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Ah! Ohh - Call.
- I can't.
I can't.
I can't call and ask for more time.
Okay, fine.
I can accept that.
You have too much pride.
You're a professional, and your integrity won't allow anything less.
- I'll do it.
- No.
No.
If we call, we admit that we failed.
I mean, if she gives us the extension, we failed.
- So what? - Well, I can't admit that, Elliot.
It's a bus bench campaign, Mike.
You failed at a bus bench campaign.
Who cares? I mean, let's face it It's not a make-it-or-break-it point in your creative history.
You'll come back someday, and you'll fail - at bigger and better things.
- No.
No, I won't.
Don't you see my whole life is built to this? You start out, and you know you're a genius and you're gonna have this huge effect on the world.
I mean, I I was gonna be a writer, and not, like, a hack.
I was gonna be I was gonna be Hemingway.
And then I find out, "Guess what, Mikey You're not that good.
" Failure number 1.
So, you know, you adjust.
You rationalize.
You say, "Well, advertising That's a creative deal.
" If I can't be Hemingway, I'll be David Ogilvy.
" And then And then you realize you, you know, you can't hack the politics of getting to the top of a big ad firm, so you quit.
And that's failure number 2, only you lie to yourself.
And you And you say, "It's not a failure.
It's an opportunity to have more control.
" And then one day, you know, you find yourself doing bus bench ads for the city.
And you say, "Well, this is a piece of cake.
Any hack can do this.
" Which means you just compared yourself to a hack, so you're starting to get closer to being a hack.
And then, of course, you know, you can't even do the damn bus bench campaign, and then that's failure number 3.
And you look you look at where you wanted to go and where you are now, and and you realize that if you fail at this, you've failed, period.
I just I can't accept that, Elliot.
- I I don't have to be Hemingway, but I mean - Mike.
Hemingway couldn't even succeed at being Hemingway.
The man killed himself because he couldn't, and he had 58 years to try.
Give yourself a break.
You gonna call Ellyn? We won't call Ellyn.
We'll come up with something.
I mean, it's We still have a few more hours.
So it's not the best thing we've ever done, but I think it's what they're looking for.
I mean, it's simple, but simple's good.
You know? If we'd had more time, then we would've gone for something more sophisticated.
But I I think this communicates.
Will you stop? You're a genius.
It'll be terrific.
Don't say that till you look at it.
I don't have to look at it.
I already know.
All right, just just tell me if you think it's, like, really hideous.
What? What? What? You cleared your throat.
You went, "Mmm, mmm.
" - Yes.
- I thought it was a reaction, a comment or something.
I was just clearing my throat.
Oh.
Okay.
What? What? Yeah.
I'll go see Janey.
- She's asleep.
- I'll wake her up.
This goes in tomorrow, right? You hate it.
- No! Of course not! - You're lying.
You hate it.
It's awful.
I know it's awful.
You don't have to try to spare my feelings.
- Michael, it's not awful.
- Hope, don't patronize me.
If you think it's awful, which it is, just tell me or throw up on me or something, but I have to know.
Do you really think it's not awful? No.
Really.
Well, I know we could've done better, but I mean, you know, considering the time we had, and No.
No.
I really like it.
Yeah? Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I know it's not the best thing we've ever done, but, um I think it's what they're looking for.
It's simple.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Love you.
Ah Good night.
Good night.
Ohh! Want to come in? - Yeah.
All right.
- All right.
Hi.
And And he says? "Yo.
It's my Art Center.
" Huh.
Ellyn will get back to you this afternoon.
- Okay.
- Right.
- They hated it.
- No, they loved it.
They love it.
It's just that our standards are higher than theirs.
What's mediocre to us is terrific to them.
Trust me, they loved it.
Well? It's, uh I'll take care of it.
That's not a big deal.
No, really.
I understand.
Really.
Really.
It's not a problem.
What? You, too.
Yeah.
Whoo! They hated it.
We're fired.
No problem.
She went right to sleep.
No problem.
See you tomorrow.
Good night.
Oh, what a day.
Steve, I changed your 10:00 appointment Good night.
Hello.
Honey? Down here.
Honey.
Did you sleep good? Yes.
Very good.
Too good.
Are you all right? Me? Oh, great.
I mean, great.
- Mmm.
- You're great.
Ahh, I couldn't sleep, so I came down here, and I started doing some real thinking, you know, about where I am in my life and how I got here, and, uh, at first, I admit, I was pretty low.
You didn't sleep at all? But then I turned the TV on, and it was like the clouds parted, and this shaft of light came down, and everything was okay.
I mean, I don't want to sound overly dramatic or anything, but, uh, this program changed my life.
What program? Is she precious or what? Look at that little thing.
Oh, she's adorable.
This kind of retail Honey, that's the Home Shopping Network.
Can you believe I'd never seen it before? Honey, this is shock.
You've suffered a setback.
You haven't had enough sleep.
Oh, at first I'm saying, you know, "People watch this?" I mean, they're selling faux pearls or something.
It's, like, really boring.
And suddenly the guy counts down, and and and the faux pearls are gone.
They're off the screen.
You can't buy them anymore.
Now I'm in advertising.
I know this is a gimmick.
They're saying I can't buy them once they're off the screen, but that's just to make me panic.
I rush to the phone.
I call them.
And And they're gonna say, "Okay.
In your case, we'll make an exception.
You can have the pearls.
" Right? A total come-on.
So just to prove my point, I called them.
- You ordered the faux pearls? - No.
That's just it.
They wouldn't sell them to me.
I begged.
I I I said, "My wife needs these.
You know, she's dying.
" She She Her last wishes were faux pearls.
" And they still wouldn't sell them to me.
I mean, once they're off the screen, they're gone.
- Honey, you need to get some sleep.
- No! No, no! Listen to this.
I'm arguing with the woman.
Right? And And finally, I just I hang up, and I turn back to the screen, and now they're selling a figurine of two ducks.
And before I can figure out if they're mallards or hornbills, or Zip.
They're off the screen, and it hits me.
I mean, right between the eyes.
This is my life.
You're talking about two ducks - and some Korean jewelry.
- Yeah.
It's like life is divided into these two-minute sections.
Each one is precious, and we'll never see it again.
And if we miss an opportunity, it's gone.
But if you spend the next two minutes regretting the last two minutes, you'll miss the next item.
So you can't get stuck in the past.
You have to act and move on, and that's how to live life.
I mean, if you miss the faux pearls, you'll get the ducks.
How much did you order? Just a few things.
They'll come in the mail.
Oh, honey, don't you see? This makes things so much simpler.
I feel this huge weight off my chest.
- Honey, I know financially it could be hard, but - What are you talking about? It's just adorable.
Quitting advertising.
I'll talk to Elliot.
He'll understand.
I mean, you know, he could buy me out.
The point is, honey, if it's right, it's right.
- Honey, I want you to sit down right now.
- No, no, no.
I want to go to work.
I want to get into this with Elliot.
No.
I don't want to sit on this.
I'll, uh - I'll call you later.
- Michael! Michael! Michael! Hope, can I talk to you? Now is not a good time.
Hi.
I waited till he left.
I just couldn't face him.
- I hate myself.
- Ellyn.
Uhh! I was so afraid of how I'd look, what it would do to my precious career.
- You had to fire him over the phone? - Oh, I know! God, I'm such a coward! You know what I was really afraid of? I was afraid that Steve Woodman would think less of me because my friends screwed up.
Do you believe that? I now am totally co-opted by the power structure.
I am now everything I swore I would never become.
So it wasn't any good.
Most of the stuff that crosses my desk isn't good.
Why blame them? Why not defend them? Oh, gee, that's a novel thought Defending your friends, rather than being first in line to totally trash 'em.
Oh, Hope, I'm so sorry.
I don't blame you if you throw me out and never speak to me again.
Would you stop it? You can't do this, Ellyn.
It's not fair.
I know that.
That's why I'm here.
Not that.
This.
You can't come in here and ask me to make you feel better.
You're right.
You are right.
God.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You must hate me.
Stop it.
I don't hate you.
You know that I don't hate you.
You sit in that office trying to bend the entire weight of city government into one ounce of decent work.
You harangue people and harass them into trying for something instead of settling for their usual mediocrity.
And Michael comes along, and he does a bad job, and you fire him, just like you would anybody else.
But because he's my husband, you feel guilty.
That's unfair.
Because you know that if Michael thought that you settled for something mediocre from him because he was my husband that that would do a hell of a lot more damage to his pride than if you did what you did.
You fired him because you had to.
At least you were honest with him.
Thank you.
I should've worked with him on it.
I really am sorry.
- If you say that word one more time - Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
If you have a minute, I really would like to talk to you.
Can we do it later? I've been thinking about taking another job.
- What? - It's not that I don't like it here.
I mean, Janey's great, and you're great, and Mr.
Steadman.
I mean, I'm sure he's not usually like this, and I mean, I've really had a great time here.
And it's not the money.
The money's fine.
I mean, it's not great, but it's fine.
- Amy.
- It's just It's just that you don't really need me.
You never actually leave the house whenever I'm here, and I don't know if I'm really helping you.
Amy, I'm gonna walk out that door.
I'm gonna leave you alone with my child.
I am doing that because I totally trust you.
Let me put it this way: If you quit, I'm gonna hunt you down and kill you, okay? If there are any problems at all, I'll be at Michael's office.
The number's on the wall by the phone.
Got it.
Oh, Elliot! How could you do this? This is totally like you! You couldn't consult me on something like this? Get out! Get Get out of my office! Hi, Hope.
How you doin'? Ahem.
What are you doing here? Shh.
Ohh He goes out this morning, and he gets another account.
How could he do that? You're not gonna quit the business.
No, no.
I'll just drive it to ruin through incompetence.
And now he's got us doing a fund raiser for wildlife.
"Oh, it's a worthy cause," he says.
If that wasn't bad enough, we let Ellyn down.
Now I have to face disappointing egrets.
I don't understand how you take one hit, all of a sudden you're a hack.
Oh, just one hit? I do mediocre work all the time.
You just don't know it.
You think everything I do is great.
I lied.
What? I looked at it, and it wasn't any good, and it scared the hell out of me, and I didn't know what to say.
I mean, you're brilliant.
You do great work, and this was really bad.
Thank you very much.
I didn't know it could happen.
You always make everything come out right, no matter what it is.
You make it look so easy.
Easy? Easy? It's torture.
I mean, honey, here's my work process: I'm brilliant.
I'm the worst.
I'm brilliant.
I'm slime.
I come home, you tell me I'm brilliant.
I almost believe you.
I make it through another day.
And And now I find out you're lying to me.
- From now on, I won't lie.
- Oh, terrific.
So I'll come home and have all my worst fears confirmed.
Michael, stop it.
So what if you're not great? I think you're great.
Maybe it'll take 20 years to find out.
And what is great? I mean, Ted What's-His-Name was the greatest ballplayer that ever lived, and he only ever hit three out of ten.
Ted Williams.
He hit four out of ten.
Thank you! So can I just avoid seeing Ellyn for the rest of my life? Would that be awkward for you? Hi.
Ah, Michael.
Hi.
- I just thought I'd - Hi.
Michael, you're you're Come in, Michael.
- Are you busy? - Come.
Sit down.
No, I'm not busy.
I just thought I'd come by and tell you - that I I really, really hate you.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
You're probably expecting an apology, huh, for the atrocious work we did, but I figured, hey, you hired us, you deserved it.
So It wasn't that bad.
Oh, please! I've just been through this.
It was It was a turkey.
I'll live.
It was totally unfair, and we gave you no time.
Oh? Then I should've asked for more time.
But I didn't because I didn't want to look bad, so Well, Michael, I am your friend, - if you want to talk to me.
- No, no, you're not my friend.
You're Hope's friend from grade school or something.
You know, it's like when you get married, you're supposed to instantly adopt all your spouse's friends, so you end up with all these fake relationships.
I mean, you know, you didn't pick this person for a friend.
You know, she's just dumped on you.
Nice image.
Thanks.
Yeah.
You know, it's a dangerous thing to get to know this person because what if you do and you find out that you hate them? So So you play around, and you jab and you joke, and you and you and we don't deal with each other, Ellyn.
We We just We can't afford to.
So what are you saying, Michael? You don't want to be my friend? Not Not that I don't like you.
It's just Terrific.
So we're two people who are permanently involved in each other's lives, but we're not friends.
Right.
But I can still come over to your house and pretend we are.
Right? Sure.
And I can still come to your birthday and Thanksgiving and drop by on Christmas Eve? But we're not friends.
Right.
Right.
And the next time you trip over a diving board and crack your skull, can I still drive you to the emergency room and sit up all night with Hope, worrying that you don't go into a coma? But we're not friends.
I haven't thought this through completely.
Michael.
Michael, did hope ever tell you I told her not to marry you? You told her not to? I just couldn't figure out what she saw in you.
You know? I mean, you were very nice and all, but I guess over the years I've sort of changed my mind.
I mean, you're not that full of yourself.
Thank you.
It wasn't that bad, you know.
- Ohh - No, I mean, the "Yo, it's my Art Center" - was was disgusting, but - Oh, yeah.
You know, I hated the "Yo.
" I hated the "Yo.
" I just I I thought you wanted to reach the working man, and Michael.
The working man? Working man is not gonna fork over 500 bucks for patronships.
See, this is so funny because I had this whole other approach wh - N-No.
- What? - No.
- But tell me.
- No.
- Tell me.
No, no, no.
Wyant & Scott, best ad men in the city.
You just tell 'em I called.
Tell 'em Tell 'em I recommended them.
Tell 'em, uh, tell 'em the job was too small for us.
Okay, sweetie? Goodbye.
Good Good night, Michael.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Come over sometime.
We'll make small talk.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Good night.
Have a nice night.
Right.
Right.
Do you really think I mean Okay.
Okay, what is going on here? I mean what was that the other day? Were you flirting? Were you serious? Was it a joke? Uh am I laughing? Well well, yes.
Yes, you sort of are.
I wasn't then.
No.
Look, let's just forget it, okay? I mean, now is really not a very good time for me, and and there's just a lot of things that that you don't know about me.
And if something started and it didn't work out, or I just can't leap into something serious right now, you see, and I'm past the state of doing it just for the kicks.
I'm sort of in the middle.
I'm sort of in just no woman's land.
And I'm make making a complete fool of myself.
No.
Not complete.
I like you a lot.
But I'm I'm just not ready to drown you see, and Oh, I know - that doesn't mean anything to you.
- No.
No, I understand.
I do.
You do? I mean, maybe if we No.
I I can't handle slow.
I'm I'm just, um Oh, I can't.
I'm sorry.
I just Not for now.
I just can't.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Um Ohh mmm! Mmm! Mmm mmm