Those Who Can't (2016) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Fairbell, it's not a bachelorette party, man.
- Use your hands dipshit! - Another round of body - shots, boys?! - Oh, my god, Doris.
You are a glutton for punishment, buddy.
- All right.
- Hop on up.
Get up there.
Get up there.
- Get up there.
- Whoa! Watch! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll be fine, Doris.
Come on.
Whoo! Ohhh! Oh, it's a big one! That's a big one! There are so many tributaries.
Oh, you got that.
Whoo! Ho-ho! Whoo! Bring that pot scrubber over here, ugly.
You look like a shirt somebody found at the bottom of a hamper.
Okay.
I'm done.
Dude, this is gonna be the best Cesar Chavez day ever! Cesar Chavez day is not a school holiday, you dipshits.
If it was, this place would be packed.
What? Rod told us we had the day off tomorrow.
We got to go.
It's got to be past midnight.
- We gotta go to sleep.
- Aww.
If you loved me, you - wouldn't go.
- We got to get up and teach.
- No.
We got to go.
- Thank you for everything and - for all you do here.
- Oh, now, thank me right, sailor.
You got it comin' to ya.
Hey, hey, hey.
Shoemaker! Come on! Doris, you let him go! - He's mine! - She's here in town! We're all in town, Shoemaker! Bye, Doris.
- Bye.
- Aah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Definitely after midnight.
You all right, Shoemaker? Bugger up.
- You're all right.
Come on.
- Where's the bus at? The bus is this way.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through Awards program - Playing in your sandbox? - Tammy, as long as the sand remains in harmony, then I remain in harmony, and - Qui-i-i-i-i-i-nn! - Aaah! Superintendent Carson! Hello! Let me take this silly shit off.
Apparently, when you run for mayor of a hick town, you need - to dress up like Zorro.
- Well, I'll tell you what - You have got my vote.
- I don't need your stupid vote, Quinn, unless you're 10,000 hispanics.
I'm not.
Listen up.
Your school is a pimple on the peach-perfect ass of my district.
Well, we are welcome to reform.
I'm not here to reform.
I'm here to pretend I'm reforming.
Your school is like a fly on the eyelash of a poor, starving Ugandan child, and I'm Sally Struthers, and I'm gonna SWAT it off for the cameras.
Now I'm confused.
Are we a pimple, or are we a Ugandan fly? Quinn, can you shut your stupid ass up?! Round up your teachers! Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
God! - Get thee off.
- Excuse you.
Oh, my god.
Ohh.
Gonna hang in there, Shoemaker? Yeah, I'm fine.
Years of being in a punk band on - the road - Dude, shut up! Nobody cares about your stupid band.
I forgot that you turn in to my father when you're drunk.
Good.
You need a father.
And you need a mother to smack that ass out of your mouth.
Then go find me one, - bitch nuts.
- Guys, come on! Come on! Come on! Fairbell, you're ruining my buzz man! If Rod can be drunk at school every day we can pull it off, all right? - Oh, whoa.
Comin' in hot.
- You a teacher here at Smoot? You bet your ass I'm a teacher here at Smoot.
High-five me, dude.
High-five me.
- You got left out.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I got it.
- You're about to see some teaching here today Some real dope-ass teaching - here today.
- Finger guns.
- You guys should follow suit.
- That guy is the real deal.
Whoo! Keep it on me all day! - Get out of my face.
- Come over here.
I'll talk to you.
What are you guys up to? Great.
What do you think of the district 4 leadership? I think bullshit rolls uphill, if you were to ask me.
Starts with principal Quinn and city comptroller Teresa Ortega, and then it forms a great big shitty lake at the feet of Superintendent Carson.
I saw on TV that that guy's running for mayor and he's wearing a cowboy hat.
He is all hat and no cattle, and that's something you can print right there.
Can I get your name, please? Yeah.
Billy Shoemaker.
Hearkens back to a time when men would take the name of their occupation because they took - pride in their work.
- So now you'd be - "Billy Shitty history teacher"? - I have already warned you - about your mouth, man.
- Your breath smells like my dick.
Get out of my face.
- As I was saying - Aww.
Aww.
- Abbetha! - Geez.
Morning! Whoa! Drama teacher! welcome back! For somebody who just returned from maternity leave, you look like a stone-cold fox! Can I let you guys in on a little secret? - Yeah.
- I was never pregnant.
- What?! - How'd you get away with that? They don't make you bring the baby in.
I used the time off to tour with the ren fair.
I was a washing wench, and it was all good until the syphilis breakout.
Then it was, like eww! Not good.
And then it was good again with the amoxicillin.
Been there, huh? - Seat's taken.
- Seat's taken.
So it's like that? I can't even sit with my - friends? - Fairbell, you are party poison.
You need to go find a quiet space and cool off for a little bit.
You're just trying to ostracize me.
- You're not even my real friends.
- You just figured that out, numnuts? - Are you serious right now? - Next time I'll hit you.
What you want? - Ohh! Ohh! - I just caught a baby! Look! Fairbell, your crotch smells like eucalyptus! - It's medicated ointment.
- Thank you guys for joining me this morning.
I would like to introduce No! No, no, no, no! Enough already! - Fairbell, enough! Enough! - He started it.
- I did.
- Now, as I was saying, I would like to intoduce someone very special someone who's going to be observing all of the classes today.
So, let's give a nice, big, warm Smoot welcome to your super Superintendent, Conrad Carson! Thank you, Quinn.
Hidey, everybody.
I just want to congratulate you all for being the worst school in my district 10 years in a row.
Now, some or all or just one of you may think that siht rolls uphill that I'm all hat - and no cattle.
- Hey, he thinks just like you do.
Doesn't matter what you think about me.
What matters is what I think about you.
And you're gonna find out after the final bell today.
Because I'm gonna fire one of your underperforming asses.
So you get out there and have some fun while you still can.
Thank you, buddy.
- Vote Carson! - What does that even mean?! - He can't just fire one of us! - Can he? Yes.
Yes, he can.
And he will unless we become the teachers we know we can be and we prove him wrong! What do you say?! Educators Mount up! - Yeah! - We're fucked.
He said fire one of us.
He's not gonna target you pacifically.
Whenever the ax falls, the librarian is always the first to get it.
Abbey, Abbey, Abbey, Abbey, Abbey, calm down.
No one's gonna fire you.
These kids love the library.
They love it! You don't have to be a dick about it, Loren.
- I'm upset already.
- I'm being sincere.
I know you think I'm a dick, because I've acted like a dick in the past.
But that was just my insecurities talking, baby girl.
When I let go of those, the real - me comes out.
- Well, that is a surprisingly vulnerable statement.
I mean, I could have done without the "baby girl," but, still, what happened? Oh, I'm drunk.
Yeah, no.
I came in to school drunk.
Still drunk.
Just drunk.
I got to say, I kind of prefer you like this.
I know.
Everybody does.
I'm a one-man party, right? - Fun times here! - Oh, that's it a party.
A party will get kids into my library so Carson will see my value.
Thank you! You're so welcome.
How can I not help you, you know? You're my bae, girl.
- Okay.
all right.
Get out.
- Okay.
Hey.
Billy Shoemaker.
Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot up there.
No.
The wrong foot was the right one.
No.
No.
How can I change your mind on this.
I can't get fired! The only way you survive today is if I see another teacher worse than you, and, lucky for you, Principal Quinn is the Henry Ford of turning out shitty teachers.
No! Wait, wait, wait! Okay.
Okay.
Great.
Well, then, I've got the model "T" of shitty teachers for you.
Yeah.
He's right in here.
Check him out.
He's a train wre And when I arrived at the corpse, I saw that it was Ezra, My dear brother.
Not a day goes by That I don't grieve.
And that, my children, was the war they called "civil.
" What the hell was that?! I know.
I know.
Don't worry.
Tomorrow we're gonna get fubar'd in the rice paddies of Vietnam, man! - That was amazing! - That was bullshit.
That's not what he does! He's normally Thank you, Mr.
Knorr! And you I suggest you start filling out an application for Arby's.
- Thank you! - Oh, mm.
Mm.
- What the hell was that, man?! - I'm staying sober.
You notice the Superintendent's here? Ugh.
What's wrong with your face? What do you mean, what's wrong with my face? - Ew.
It's all, like, sliding.
- Oh, no.
My Bell's palsy.
The stress must be setting it off.
Don't look at me! I'm hideous! Ahh! Damn it! How's it going?! What's the 411 on the turnout for the library, bitch? Sorry.
I should not be calling you "bitch.
" We've made 400 copies so far.
- That's awesome! - Are you responsible for this?! Uh, responsible? I'm kind of the wizard behind it.
"Join Abbey Logan's KKK party.
" KKK No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no! That's not what it's supposed to say! Look! Look, look, look! "Join Abbey Logan's Kit-kits and Kafka Party!" The other letters didn't print.
Why didn't you make color copies, bitch? Because there's never color ink in the printer.
That's why all our gay pride pamphlets just made everyone sad.
Oh, my god.
Where did you put these? Hell, they're everywhere! It's like Alabama in the '60s - out there! - No! Excuse me.
- Get away.
- She told me to to Hello, Andrew! What brings you to my land of enchantment? Drank too much coconut rum, and now all my dumb friends hate me.
So, you came to me for guidance? No.
I was just walking in the hall, and I heard this music and I walked in here.
Look, you are a pathetic doormat when you're sober, and you're a horrible monster when you're drunk.
You need to find a way to express your feelings, or you could get fired.
I have just the thing.
I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.
She's a therapeutic tool.
She can speak your feelings for you.
There you go.
Okay? Okay.
First I'd like you to - clear your mind.
- Done.
Now, it might take you a while to find her voice.
Hello! My name is Judith.
I'm a capricorn, and I smoke two packs of menthols a day.
Hello, Judith.
My name is Summer.
Mm.
Back from another fake pregnancy, I see.
Makes sense.
Can't get pregnant by takin' it - in the dumper! - Fairbell! Judith! Give her back! Run! - Aaah! - Aaaaaaaaaah! - So good, you guys.
- Muchas gracias, Mr.
Payton! Superintendent Carson, everybody! This is exactly the camera-friendly teaching I would like to feature in my campaign.
Well, fire up your film crew, Scorsese.
I'll show you a real raging bull.
Or should I say, "Toro furioso"? Huh, guys? Okay, here it goes.
Uno! Dos! - Uno, dos, tres, catorce! - That's great! But save it.
I'll be back to film you during the last period.
Oh, yeah.
No, last period.
- Yeah, sure, man.
- Ooh-ahh! I just figured out how to get those damn hispanic votes.
What a character.
I will give an unlimited hall pass to anyone who can tell me where that accent's from, 'cause I have no idea.
Just one second, guys.
- What, Shoemaker?! - Loren! - Hey.
- Oh, my god, dude.
Class, you remember Mr.
Shoemaker from - The Swamp.
- Hey, I need him real quick.
- All right.
- I apologize.
- You don't just jerk people out like - I apologize.
What the hell happened to you.
My Bell's palsy gets set off by my anxiety.
It's gross, dude.
- You need to fix that.
- Never mind that.
That Carson guy has it out for me.
You're not the only one with Carson problems.
He wants me to do a show later, and I'm sobering up fast.
And if you can't perform, you could get fired.
Yeah.
No shit Sherlock.
That's why I need booze now.
I got to keep up my karaoke confidence all day long - Just ride the high, you know? - I know where there's booze.
- You do? - Yeah.
Follow me.
- Come on, Loren! It's this way! - Why are you taking me to - Rod's Jack Shack? - I know where he keeps his liquor.
It's over here.
- Ugh! - Ohh! It smells like somebody's been tanning leather in here.
Yeah.
It's all the way in the back.
- Back here? - Yeah.
You got it.
I don't see any booze back here.
- Hey, are you about a size 14? - Size 14? What are you talking about? Hey, what are you doing, Shoemaker?! Hey, what are you doing, man?! Shoemaker, I'm not playing around.
Let me out of here.
Hello! Anybody! Let me out of here! Hello! Ah, hello yourself.
Oh Jesus Christ! Fairbell, what are you doing? Her name's Judith.
She's been helping me out with my unconscious.
That's fantastic.
Put the doll down and go unlock the door right now.
Carson's waiting for me.
Actually, Fairbell only helps out his friends.
Fairbell, we're friends.
Now be a friend and unlock the door, okay, boy? Go.
Fairbell only helps out his best friends.
Fairbell, I swear to god, if you don't help me out right now, I'm gonna shove that dummy so far up your ass, I'm gonna be able to see it through your stupid mouth.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Tough talk from a guy in a cage! - Don't talk to me like that.
- Oh-ho-ho! Ever learn how to pick a lock with your tiny dick bitch.
- Fairbell! - Let's go get a snack, Fairbell Jud Fairbell! Fairbell! Judith! Sorry! Judith! Come back.
Hey, Judith.
I'll do anything.
Just get me out of here right now.
What do you want? Hmm.
How 'bout for starters, we go to the Aurora Mall, get some hot pretzels with cheese and mustard, maybe get some airbrushed t-shirts with each other's faces on 'em? 100%.
Let's do it.
Now go unlock the door right now.
Let's go to the Aurora Mall.
Actually, I'm not finished yet.
What else you got? - What number am I on? - 38.
Okay.
Demand number 38 When you go out at night, no more making up fake bars.
You have to tell me where you're actually going.
Yes.
Fine.
No more fake bars, I promise.
Now, will you please open the door? I'm already late for my performance, man.
You're literally costing me my job.
Okay.
Carson, wait! I'm here.
- I'm here! - You made me wait, so now it's - your ass! - No, no, no, no, no! It wasn't my fault! Shoemaker locked me in a shed! - He locked you up? - Yes! I would like you to step forward and touch my face.
Use your forefinger to trace the contours of my sadness.
Yep, right in the tear duct.
Really work it good.
Ahh.
Ohh! Oh, no! Mercy, please! Oh, I beg of you! How did you get out?! I let him out for 38 promises.
Oh, a dummy with a dummy.
You look like such an asshole with that thing on your hand.
Maybe you can borrow an asshole after I tear you a new one.
Why don't you take that off you hand before I stick it up your ass?! I'm gonna beat some shape back in to your face.
Oh, you're just a puppet.
You want some of that? Okay, stop.
God.
Okay, kids.
If I don't get your help, I might not be here tomorrow.
Now, who amongst you is willing to help out Señor Payton in this, his hour of need? - There she is.
- Oh, god! Judith, stop it's not worth it! It's your arm, Fairbell! Oh, god! You wanted a show, Carson? Here's your show.
Hit it, Guerreros! Uno, dos, tres! That is so racist.
You see, Carson, I'm hardly the worst one here.
No, you're right, Shoemaker.
At this point, it's anybody's game.
- Hello, Abbey.
- I am not a member of the - Ku Klux Klan! - And a new contestant just - threw her hat into the ring! - Oh, geez.
Okay, guys.
It's over.
Meet me at the teachers' lounge, where we're gonna crown the winner and by "winner," I mean "loser.
" Ohh.
Please don't.
Oh, no.
You guys blew it! Thanks for nothing! I'm serious.
Give the puppet back.
Why don't you go find me - a baguette, Mime? - Now! No.
Off.
Usually when I come to a school and threaten to fire somebody, I find people rise to top not race to the bottom like you shithills.
Truth be told, I don't know where the hell to begin, so I don't think I'm gonna fire anybody today.
Oh, my oh, my god! But he is.
What? No.
No.
I can't fire someone.
- No, not me.
- Let me make this simple, Quinn either you fire somebody or you're fired.
Geoffrey.
You can't fire me.
- We're best friends.
- I love black people! Um come back to me.
- I'm thinking of one.
- I have a baby at home.
- I am a human being! - Oh, god.
Uh this is the hardest decision that I've ever had to make, but it has been made.
So, the person who is going to get fired is Ohh.
You guys are still here.
Mm.
Oh, Rod.
Oh, wish I was in the land of cotton Old times there are not forgotten Look away, look away, look away Look away - You look away! - Rod - You're fired.
- What? I-I said you're fired.
I-I'm sorry, but it - You're fired from Smoot.
- Give me one good reason.
- Well, you're drunk.
- It's after school.
Yeah, well, you also just sang a pretty racist song.
- Historical significance.
- You masturbate in a maintenance shed that's on school property, and you do it so much that everyone calls it "Rod's Jack Shack.
" - I mean, come on.
- I will not apologize for the amount of love I have to give this world.
For old times' sake, can I have 10 minutes in the shack? - Definitely no.
- Four minutes.
I can cut it down to four minutes if it's a time issue.
No.
It's not time-related in any way.
I guess this is goodbye.
Yeah.
I-I'm sorry, Rod.
- Is the feather the right way? - It should go You should turn it yeah.
Didn't think you had it in you.
Until next time, Smoot! Vote Carson! Tammy! You know, it's a Goddamn shame how they treat veterans in - this country.
- Oh, it sure is, honey.
But I did put in for my substitute's license, so - Hey, there you go.
- Yeah, I'm sure they're gonna - let you right back in, Rod.
- Doris, shot for the substitute.
You got it.
- Hurry it up, you Gargoyle - No! - Hey, come on.
- You don't talk to her like that, all right? This is my old lady.
- Doris is your girlfriend? - No, it's my mom.
He's my son.
Your mom is your girlfriend? We got to start hanging out at a different bar.
No, no.
Have you done the body shots.
Mom, body shots! Oh, you got it baby.
- Yeah, get up there dollface.
- Come on guys!