Threesome (2011) s01e07 Episode Script
Episode 7
1 Honestly, sometimes your sense of humour What? "What?" Hitler? How's it Hitler? Eh? It's Charlie Chaplin, Great Dictator.
Hmm? You've seen it? No? Great film.
It's a homage, it's a satire of Hitler.
Look, you're the one dressed up as an actual monster.
Boys, I have to warn you I am dressed as possibly the greatest pregnancy party dress costume of all time! Yeah.
Well, you wait until you see us.
Whoo - Whoa! - Whoa! You win, you win.
A space hopper.
That is genius.
You are dressed as Hitler.
No, no, no, it's Charlie Chaplin.
Great Dictator, eh? - What is, your Hitler costume? - Yes.
Look.
No.
Well, whatever.
The party is on.
There ain't no party like a Conservative Party.
Sorry, too much.
Well, this is all very uh, "baby".
- What, bun in oven? Get that? - Uh-huh.
- Clever.
- Mmm.
Oh, we're gonna be fine.
We're gonna be great.
Yeah, I cannot wait to have this baby and be a mum.
Yeah, I'm gonna be a dad.
I'm gonna be a single dad in a threesome with no boyfriend.
Yeah.
Well, I've decided to get philosophical about it and believe that the Universe wants us to have this baby.
And if it doesn't, the Universe will send us a sign.
Well, it was this or a Playboy bunny.
Who are you supposed to be? Prince Harry? What? No, Sue, not It's Charlie Chaplin.
Great Dictator? Well, how many times do I have to tell people I'm not Hitler.
Hey, jenny.
So, who have you come as? Anna Wintour.
You don't look any different than normal.
- Thank you, darling.
- All right.
Who's Anna Wintour? Take my advice.
People worry far too much about taking charge.
Let the baby lead the way.
If she's hungry, feed her.
If she wants to sleep, let her sleep! Do not let that baby think she's in charge.
Classic mistake.
She must feed on your schedule.
Bedtime, bath time, you decide.
Or you'll be raising a brat.
It's simple.
Get a nanny.
Just get a nanny.
Have a drink.
Find a boarding school.
And whatever you do Don't listen to anything, anyone else tells you.
So, we're all agreed on the new addition to the birthing plan.
No mums at the hospital.
Sign.
So you're proposing when you go into labour, we keep it a secret.
Even with all her devilish cunning, can we actually pull that off? Uh, we got two weeks to figure out how.
Hmm, two weeks is fine.
Two weeks is plenty.
Alice? Oh, come on, we don't want to miss our party.
Alice? We're gonna miss all of it if we don't hurry.
Alice? Alice, look at me.
Look at me.
Look here.
Right, you tell me the truth.
- Are you having your first contraction? - No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not the first! Okay! Pregnancy plan, go.
Taxi.
Bag.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Shh.
Shh, be quiet.
Shush, be quiet now.
Ahhh! Okay, I've got her Get the door, get the door.
- Take her.
- Come on, come on.
- Ahh! - I need to get my arm out.
- I'm okay.
- Go, go! Open the door.
Open the door.
Come on, baby, let's go.
Baby, let's go.
Let's go quiet, baby.
Don't slam the door.
Don't slam the door.
Do not slam the door.
Taxi! Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Wait! Alice.
Stop! What the hell do you think you're doing? Don't Stop! Mum, please will you not run at me? You're dressed as the spirit of Death.
- Why are you carrying a suitcase? - Have you started? And you're sneaking off.
Ho! Ho! Ho.
Someone really needs to take control here.
You Ohh! Mitch, take control.
All right.
Yeah, okay, all right! Alice is feeling a little bit contraction-y.
And you're all a bit ooo-wee.
- Fine.
These two can stay.
- Excuse me.
Well, I'm not staying behind.
That's my daughter.
Carrying my grandchild.
You stay.
I'll go with.
Give me one good reason why.
Well, let's see.
I'm not pissed.
Jenny, let's not get personal.
Listen to Mitch.
Mitch knows I should be the one to go.
Don't you, my darling? Uh, no.
No.
Mitch knows I'm the one.
Mate, mate! Come on, taxi.
Go! I'll hold them.
Mothers, you shall not pass.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, I have to tell you something.
I have to tell you something, okay? I've been thinking, and I've decided, it's probably best not to have a baby.
- What? Mmm-hmm.
Because if you think about it rationally.
I mean, Richie Richie is in no fit state, I mean, perpetual Mr Singleton.
And you, honey, honey, honey, honey.
I mean, your status as a father is at best blurry and I am a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible woman! So I was thinking, you know? What about just not having it? Sweetheart, if you could just rewind what you said in your head there, we'll get you to the hospital.
Because you hear about it, don't you? These women who perform incredible acts of strength when it comes to their child, it's amazing.
So maybe, you know, it's possible to just keep it in.
Yes, Princess, that's very sensible.
I'm gonna explain it all to the doctor when we get to the hospital.
Thank you.
Thank you, honey.
Thank you for understanding me.
Alice, I've got you.
Hello! Hello, hello.
Hi.
This is Alice Heston and us.
We rang ahead.
We We won't be staying long.
We decided not to have it.
Come this way.
Really, it's just a flying visit.
Oh, oh, oh.
It's okay, Princess.
It's all right, breathe.
Breathe.
Oh, God.
Okay, all right.
Okay, get on the bed.
Get the pyjamas, Richie.
Get the pyjamas out.
Now, wait there.
Hello, my name is Dr Goldstein.
I'm going to be looking after you.
Dr Goldstein? Yes.
Well, this isn't supposed to be, uh Oh, look, it's Charlie Chaplin, The Great Dictator.
Have you seen it? Just take the moustache off.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Okay, gentlemen.
If you wouldn't mind leaving, please? - Just give me five minutes.
- Oh, God.
- Come on, you.
- Oh! Oh, mate! I don't feel so good.
Soon as you can, gentlemen.
I love you.
- I love you - Tell him I'm not having it, please! Why is no one listening to me? Write it, "I'm not having it.
" - I'm not having it! - Okay, okay.
It's all right.
Here you are, some sugar.
This is it.
The day that everything changes.
- Bloody hell.
- Ah, it's not gonna be that different.
I'll still lose my tie every morning, you'll still forget the milk, eh? Hey, I know.
How about we think of a name for the baby? - Mmm? - Mmm.
- Twix.
- Hmm? No.
Twix.
That's not gonna work.
- It's more of a boy's name.
- Hmm.
Skittles? Mmm.
I feel much better now.
- Yeah, you sure? - Yeah.
- You want another one? - Yes, please.
- Yoo-hoo, princess.
- Sweetheart.
We got you sweeties.
Where's she gone? - Is this the wrong room? - No.
No, this is the right room.
This is probably quite bad.
- Shit.
- Shit.
- Fuck! - Fuck! Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck Mine.
Of course they called me first.
Richie.
How is she? She's gone.
Really well! It's going really well.
Listen, Lorraine, we were thinking Anti-natal said it'd help Alice to imagine a safe place.
You know, a special place, somewhere she might wanna almost run away to.
Can you think of where that might be? Why don't you ask her yourself? I'm not with her right now.
I'm somewhere else.
Where are you? I'm in the, uh Magic shop.
The hospital has a magic shop.
I'm in the hospital magic shop.
What rubbish is Oh, look, just put her on the line.
All right.
Oh, okay.
Here she is.
Here's Alice.
Yeah Stop.
Hi, Mum, I'm grand.
I'm having a baby.
Here's your man.
Give it back! What's that supposed to be? Mitch, I know that's you.
- Lorraine? - I said put Alice on.
- Lorraine? - What are you playing at? - Lorraine, calm down.
- Put my daughter on the phone.
- All right, what happened was, um - Yes? We, uh Alice was fine, so we left for five minutes to get a Twix.
I mean, she's dressed as a space hopper but we still sort of lost her.
And then I called you.
But you definitely, definitely don't need to come to the hospital.
How could you possibly have lost a pregnant woman in a maternity ward? Where is my daughter? What have you She definitely, definitely won't come to the hospital.
Oh, grand.
Oh, shit, fuck, shit, fuck, shit Oh, have you seen a women dressed as a space hopper? She's about yay high, bright orange.
She's failrly distinctive! I'm getting a heartburn from the Twixes.
You're all right.
- Alice.
- Alice.
Alice! Have you seen Alice? She's orange.
Alice.
Just push, push.
That's it.
Okay, look.
Let's split up.
We'll cover more ground.
- Fine.
- Go! It's not the first day of the rest of our lives I'd hoped for.
Alice? Don't do this to me.
Alice! Alice? Alice? Alice! Alice? Alice? Alice? Oh, God.
Alice.
Richie? What are you - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, mate.
- Come on.
You and your heat-seeking cock.
What are you doing? I'm sorry, mate.
I'm sorry.
I was just getting a bit of a flirt on.
He's a lovely guy.
Would you get some perspective, please, Richard? Perspective? I'm struggling here, Mitch.
Richie! Mitch? Where is my daughter? I said, "Take me with you.
" What did I say? - Take me with you.
- 'Cause I know my daughter.
And I'd have been watching her like a hawk watches a bunny's young.
It's this way.
I swear to you, she was right here.
Look.
Look.
So, the scene of the crime.
I can't believe you let her do this.
I have never been so appalled or disappointed, or proud and thrilled.
Hello, Doctor.
I'm her mother.
It's so good to meet you.
Thank you.
Likewise.
Where's the mum-to-be, then? Uh She's just popped out.
Right.
Where to? The magic shop? Loves a card trick.
Have you ever known two more hopeless sons? I mean, to lose an entire pregnant woman.
I thought I'd brought Richie up to be more observant than that.
Did you hear that? Oh, my God! That's it, Steve.
Breathe through it like they told you.
Whoo! Whoo.
Whoo.
whee! Alice? What's the matter, Alice? I'm not here.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
You don't have to be scared, Alice.
I mean, me and jenny have been through this.
Haven't we, jenny? The day I had Richie was lovely.
- I was terrified the first time.
- I'm not scared.
You know, my Owen died four years ago.
He was Mitch's older brother, jenny.
Oh.
Was it a contraction? Giving birth forms a bond that, you know, can never ever be broken.
Even to this day.
You'll love being a mum.
Oh, Sue.
Some absolutely lovely thoughts there.
Really.
But I'm not having the baby, so, bye.
She's very small, very round like her father.
- She's dressed as a space hopper - I found her! I found her.
Well, I haven't, my mum has.
She's at home! Well, move it! Go, go, go! Move your arses! Stay calm.
Stay calm, breathe.
It says it's good to find your happy place.
Have you found your happy place, Alice? No, I haven't.
I haven't.
What the hell, pardon my French, do you think you're fucking playing at? Oh, sweet Jesus, my mother is here! - We're just trying to keep her calm - Sit down! - I am a grown woman and it's my choice.
- Not now it isn't.
Alice, you are coming with me right now back to the hospital.
All my life you've been telling me what to do.
This time, no! You're being ridiculous! And you are being bossy and domineering, like you always are.
Ragging on Mitch, telling me what's best for me.
Arriving at my pre-birth party as the sodding Grim Reaper! - Alice, I'm your mother! - Well, I'm the mummy now! Oh, God.
I'm the mummy now.
I'm the mummy now.
I'm her mummy.
Mum, I'm having a baby.
I know.
- I'm having a baby.
- I know.
I'm having a baby! Oh, jenny, jenny.
It feels like I need to push.
Do I push? Hang on, hang on.
Uh - Jenny! - Oh, for goodness sake! Mitch, call an ambulance.
Richie, get hot water and towels.
Clean towels.
Come on, baby.
Up we get.
That's it.
Turn around, onto the bed.
We're going in.
- Oh, Mum, am I gonna shit myself? - Yes, dear.
Boil a kettle and get me a bucket.
Come on.
Pant, pant.
Come on.
Come on.
You won't believe the noises she's making.
I've never seen a human being turn that colour before.
- Come quickly.
- Mitch, I need help.
- I'll get Richie - I need help now! - Yeah, well, I'll get Richie, quickly.
- Mitch! Are you the father or not? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Good.
Good.
That's good.
Now breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
That's right.
Oh, honey.
- You can do it.
You can do it.
- Breathe - Are these okay? - Yes.
That's it.
It's good.
It's good.
That's good.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Is that a bit of A head? - Oh, Richie! - I'm here.
I'm here.
All right now.
Ready? Okay.
Come on.
- This is it, Alice.
This is it.
- Push.
Come on, Alice, you can do it.
Come on.
Push! Is she good? Is she good? She's very, very good.
Lily.
Don't you think? She's a lily.
You just are.
She just is, don't you? Lily.
- Hello, Lily.
- Hey.
Lily.
Eh? That's your mummy.
Yes.
That's your daddy.
Eh? Your daddy's the pretty one.
I'll give you to daddy.
Here we go.
That's your daddy, too.
We should give her a middle name.
How about Owen? I know it's not much of a girl's name, but Lily Owen Heston.
Hey, honey, when we get married, she'll have your name.
Lily Owen Ennis.
Lily Owen Valentine Ennis.
- How about that, Richie? - Mmm.
Hey, her initials, L.
O.
V.
and E.
Vole.
- No, it's - Love.
Oh.
We should get a vole.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Keys, keys, keys.
Keys, keys, keys.
Bill, bill, bill.
Have you been in an accident? Bill.
Well, it's good to see we're ticking the boxes for the rich, litigious demographic.
Hmm.
We're out of milk again.
You know the score.
Three, two, one.
Oh.
No, no, it's not paper.
It's a flat rock.
Slate.
Respect the system, Alice.
You're awful.
I hate you.
Oh.
Yoo-hoo.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Bloody hell, what is that smell? Sorry.
Hmm? You've seen it? No? Great film.
It's a homage, it's a satire of Hitler.
Look, you're the one dressed up as an actual monster.
Boys, I have to warn you I am dressed as possibly the greatest pregnancy party dress costume of all time! Yeah.
Well, you wait until you see us.
Whoo - Whoa! - Whoa! You win, you win.
A space hopper.
That is genius.
You are dressed as Hitler.
No, no, no, it's Charlie Chaplin.
Great Dictator, eh? - What is, your Hitler costume? - Yes.
Look.
No.
Well, whatever.
The party is on.
There ain't no party like a Conservative Party.
Sorry, too much.
Well, this is all very uh, "baby".
- What, bun in oven? Get that? - Uh-huh.
- Clever.
- Mmm.
Oh, we're gonna be fine.
We're gonna be great.
Yeah, I cannot wait to have this baby and be a mum.
Yeah, I'm gonna be a dad.
I'm gonna be a single dad in a threesome with no boyfriend.
Yeah.
Well, I've decided to get philosophical about it and believe that the Universe wants us to have this baby.
And if it doesn't, the Universe will send us a sign.
Well, it was this or a Playboy bunny.
Who are you supposed to be? Prince Harry? What? No, Sue, not It's Charlie Chaplin.
Great Dictator? Well, how many times do I have to tell people I'm not Hitler.
Hey, jenny.
So, who have you come as? Anna Wintour.
You don't look any different than normal.
- Thank you, darling.
- All right.
Who's Anna Wintour? Take my advice.
People worry far too much about taking charge.
Let the baby lead the way.
If she's hungry, feed her.
If she wants to sleep, let her sleep! Do not let that baby think she's in charge.
Classic mistake.
She must feed on your schedule.
Bedtime, bath time, you decide.
Or you'll be raising a brat.
It's simple.
Get a nanny.
Just get a nanny.
Have a drink.
Find a boarding school.
And whatever you do Don't listen to anything, anyone else tells you.
So, we're all agreed on the new addition to the birthing plan.
No mums at the hospital.
Sign.
So you're proposing when you go into labour, we keep it a secret.
Even with all her devilish cunning, can we actually pull that off? Uh, we got two weeks to figure out how.
Hmm, two weeks is fine.
Two weeks is plenty.
Alice? Oh, come on, we don't want to miss our party.
Alice? We're gonna miss all of it if we don't hurry.
Alice? Alice, look at me.
Look at me.
Look here.
Right, you tell me the truth.
- Are you having your first contraction? - No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not the first! Okay! Pregnancy plan, go.
Taxi.
Bag.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Shh.
Shh, be quiet.
Shush, be quiet now.
Ahhh! Okay, I've got her Get the door, get the door.
- Take her.
- Come on, come on.
- Ahh! - I need to get my arm out.
- I'm okay.
- Go, go! Open the door.
Open the door.
Come on, baby, let's go.
Baby, let's go.
Let's go quiet, baby.
Don't slam the door.
Don't slam the door.
Do not slam the door.
Taxi! Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Wait! Alice.
Stop! What the hell do you think you're doing? Don't Stop! Mum, please will you not run at me? You're dressed as the spirit of Death.
- Why are you carrying a suitcase? - Have you started? And you're sneaking off.
Ho! Ho! Ho.
Someone really needs to take control here.
You Ohh! Mitch, take control.
All right.
Yeah, okay, all right! Alice is feeling a little bit contraction-y.
And you're all a bit ooo-wee.
- Fine.
These two can stay.
- Excuse me.
Well, I'm not staying behind.
That's my daughter.
Carrying my grandchild.
You stay.
I'll go with.
Give me one good reason why.
Well, let's see.
I'm not pissed.
Jenny, let's not get personal.
Listen to Mitch.
Mitch knows I should be the one to go.
Don't you, my darling? Uh, no.
No.
Mitch knows I'm the one.
Mate, mate! Come on, taxi.
Go! I'll hold them.
Mothers, you shall not pass.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, I have to tell you something.
I have to tell you something, okay? I've been thinking, and I've decided, it's probably best not to have a baby.
- What? Mmm-hmm.
Because if you think about it rationally.
I mean, Richie Richie is in no fit state, I mean, perpetual Mr Singleton.
And you, honey, honey, honey, honey.
I mean, your status as a father is at best blurry and I am a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible woman! So I was thinking, you know? What about just not having it? Sweetheart, if you could just rewind what you said in your head there, we'll get you to the hospital.
Because you hear about it, don't you? These women who perform incredible acts of strength when it comes to their child, it's amazing.
So maybe, you know, it's possible to just keep it in.
Yes, Princess, that's very sensible.
I'm gonna explain it all to the doctor when we get to the hospital.
Thank you.
Thank you, honey.
Thank you for understanding me.
Alice, I've got you.
Hello! Hello, hello.
Hi.
This is Alice Heston and us.
We rang ahead.
We We won't be staying long.
We decided not to have it.
Come this way.
Really, it's just a flying visit.
Oh, oh, oh.
It's okay, Princess.
It's all right, breathe.
Breathe.
Oh, God.
Okay, all right.
Okay, get on the bed.
Get the pyjamas, Richie.
Get the pyjamas out.
Now, wait there.
Hello, my name is Dr Goldstein.
I'm going to be looking after you.
Dr Goldstein? Yes.
Well, this isn't supposed to be, uh Oh, look, it's Charlie Chaplin, The Great Dictator.
Have you seen it? Just take the moustache off.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Okay, gentlemen.
If you wouldn't mind leaving, please? - Just give me five minutes.
- Oh, God.
- Come on, you.
- Oh! Oh, mate! I don't feel so good.
Soon as you can, gentlemen.
I love you.
- I love you - Tell him I'm not having it, please! Why is no one listening to me? Write it, "I'm not having it.
" - I'm not having it! - Okay, okay.
It's all right.
Here you are, some sugar.
This is it.
The day that everything changes.
- Bloody hell.
- Ah, it's not gonna be that different.
I'll still lose my tie every morning, you'll still forget the milk, eh? Hey, I know.
How about we think of a name for the baby? - Mmm? - Mmm.
- Twix.
- Hmm? No.
Twix.
That's not gonna work.
- It's more of a boy's name.
- Hmm.
Skittles? Mmm.
I feel much better now.
- Yeah, you sure? - Yeah.
- You want another one? - Yes, please.
- Yoo-hoo, princess.
- Sweetheart.
We got you sweeties.
Where's she gone? - Is this the wrong room? - No.
No, this is the right room.
This is probably quite bad.
- Shit.
- Shit.
- Fuck! - Fuck! Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck Mine.
Of course they called me first.
Richie.
How is she? She's gone.
Really well! It's going really well.
Listen, Lorraine, we were thinking Anti-natal said it'd help Alice to imagine a safe place.
You know, a special place, somewhere she might wanna almost run away to.
Can you think of where that might be? Why don't you ask her yourself? I'm not with her right now.
I'm somewhere else.
Where are you? I'm in the, uh Magic shop.
The hospital has a magic shop.
I'm in the hospital magic shop.
What rubbish is Oh, look, just put her on the line.
All right.
Oh, okay.
Here she is.
Here's Alice.
Yeah Stop.
Hi, Mum, I'm grand.
I'm having a baby.
Here's your man.
Give it back! What's that supposed to be? Mitch, I know that's you.
- Lorraine? - I said put Alice on.
- Lorraine? - What are you playing at? - Lorraine, calm down.
- Put my daughter on the phone.
- All right, what happened was, um - Yes? We, uh Alice was fine, so we left for five minutes to get a Twix.
I mean, she's dressed as a space hopper but we still sort of lost her.
And then I called you.
But you definitely, definitely don't need to come to the hospital.
How could you possibly have lost a pregnant woman in a maternity ward? Where is my daughter? What have you She definitely, definitely won't come to the hospital.
Oh, grand.
Oh, shit, fuck, shit, fuck, shit Oh, have you seen a women dressed as a space hopper? She's about yay high, bright orange.
She's failrly distinctive! I'm getting a heartburn from the Twixes.
You're all right.
- Alice.
- Alice.
Alice! Have you seen Alice? She's orange.
Alice.
Just push, push.
That's it.
Okay, look.
Let's split up.
We'll cover more ground.
- Fine.
- Go! It's not the first day of the rest of our lives I'd hoped for.
Alice? Don't do this to me.
Alice! Alice? Alice? Alice! Alice? Alice? Alice? Oh, God.
Alice.
Richie? What are you - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, mate.
- Come on.
You and your heat-seeking cock.
What are you doing? I'm sorry, mate.
I'm sorry.
I was just getting a bit of a flirt on.
He's a lovely guy.
Would you get some perspective, please, Richard? Perspective? I'm struggling here, Mitch.
Richie! Mitch? Where is my daughter? I said, "Take me with you.
" What did I say? - Take me with you.
- 'Cause I know my daughter.
And I'd have been watching her like a hawk watches a bunny's young.
It's this way.
I swear to you, she was right here.
Look.
Look.
So, the scene of the crime.
I can't believe you let her do this.
I have never been so appalled or disappointed, or proud and thrilled.
Hello, Doctor.
I'm her mother.
It's so good to meet you.
Thank you.
Likewise.
Where's the mum-to-be, then? Uh She's just popped out.
Right.
Where to? The magic shop? Loves a card trick.
Have you ever known two more hopeless sons? I mean, to lose an entire pregnant woman.
I thought I'd brought Richie up to be more observant than that.
Did you hear that? Oh, my God! That's it, Steve.
Breathe through it like they told you.
Whoo! Whoo.
Whoo.
whee! Alice? What's the matter, Alice? I'm not here.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
You don't have to be scared, Alice.
I mean, me and jenny have been through this.
Haven't we, jenny? The day I had Richie was lovely.
- I was terrified the first time.
- I'm not scared.
You know, my Owen died four years ago.
He was Mitch's older brother, jenny.
Oh.
Was it a contraction? Giving birth forms a bond that, you know, can never ever be broken.
Even to this day.
You'll love being a mum.
Oh, Sue.
Some absolutely lovely thoughts there.
Really.
But I'm not having the baby, so, bye.
She's very small, very round like her father.
- She's dressed as a space hopper - I found her! I found her.
Well, I haven't, my mum has.
She's at home! Well, move it! Go, go, go! Move your arses! Stay calm.
Stay calm, breathe.
It says it's good to find your happy place.
Have you found your happy place, Alice? No, I haven't.
I haven't.
What the hell, pardon my French, do you think you're fucking playing at? Oh, sweet Jesus, my mother is here! - We're just trying to keep her calm - Sit down! - I am a grown woman and it's my choice.
- Not now it isn't.
Alice, you are coming with me right now back to the hospital.
All my life you've been telling me what to do.
This time, no! You're being ridiculous! And you are being bossy and domineering, like you always are.
Ragging on Mitch, telling me what's best for me.
Arriving at my pre-birth party as the sodding Grim Reaper! - Alice, I'm your mother! - Well, I'm the mummy now! Oh, God.
I'm the mummy now.
I'm the mummy now.
I'm her mummy.
Mum, I'm having a baby.
I know.
- I'm having a baby.
- I know.
I'm having a baby! Oh, jenny, jenny.
It feels like I need to push.
Do I push? Hang on, hang on.
Uh - Jenny! - Oh, for goodness sake! Mitch, call an ambulance.
Richie, get hot water and towels.
Clean towels.
Come on, baby.
Up we get.
That's it.
Turn around, onto the bed.
We're going in.
- Oh, Mum, am I gonna shit myself? - Yes, dear.
Boil a kettle and get me a bucket.
Come on.
Pant, pant.
Come on.
Come on.
You won't believe the noises she's making.
I've never seen a human being turn that colour before.
- Come quickly.
- Mitch, I need help.
- I'll get Richie - I need help now! - Yeah, well, I'll get Richie, quickly.
- Mitch! Are you the father or not? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Good.
Good.
That's good.
Now breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
That's right.
Oh, honey.
- You can do it.
You can do it.
- Breathe - Are these okay? - Yes.
That's it.
It's good.
It's good.
That's good.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Is that a bit of A head? - Oh, Richie! - I'm here.
I'm here.
All right now.
Ready? Okay.
Come on.
- This is it, Alice.
This is it.
- Push.
Come on, Alice, you can do it.
Come on.
Push! Is she good? Is she good? She's very, very good.
Lily.
Don't you think? She's a lily.
You just are.
She just is, don't you? Lily.
- Hello, Lily.
- Hey.
Lily.
Eh? That's your mummy.
Yes.
That's your daddy.
Eh? Your daddy's the pretty one.
I'll give you to daddy.
Here we go.
That's your daddy, too.
We should give her a middle name.
How about Owen? I know it's not much of a girl's name, but Lily Owen Heston.
Hey, honey, when we get married, she'll have your name.
Lily Owen Ennis.
Lily Owen Valentine Ennis.
- How about that, Richie? - Mmm.
Hey, her initials, L.
O.
V.
and E.
Vole.
- No, it's - Love.
Oh.
We should get a vole.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Keys, keys, keys.
Keys, keys, keys.
Bill, bill, bill.
Have you been in an accident? Bill.
Well, it's good to see we're ticking the boxes for the rich, litigious demographic.
Hmm.
We're out of milk again.
You know the score.
Three, two, one.
Oh.
No, no, it's not paper.
It's a flat rock.
Slate.
Respect the system, Alice.
You're awful.
I hate you.
Oh.
Yoo-hoo.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Bloody hell, what is that smell? Sorry.