Time Bandits (2024) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[grunting]
[grunts] I landed on my face.
[all groaning]
I'm okay. Don't panic, I'm all right.
- Everyone made it?
- [Bittelig] Oh, yeah.
[Penelope] Yes, good!
[Alto screams]
Oh, yeah. No, Alto too. Yeah.
I landed on my face. I need my face.
It's my stage meat.
Yeah, absolutely. Where are we?
This is the Ice Age,
as you can tell by the ice.
It is cold.
It's freezing.
Kevin, are you sure
you wanna save your parents
even though there will be times
like this when it's freezing?
Yeah.
You loved them, huh? Loved them?
Yeah. I know they probably didn't
seem great but they could be sometimes.
And sometimes, like on your birthday,
you could do whatever you wanted.
- [sighs] Like, they--
- Uh
No, no. Go on.
Well, like, they let me go to Woodhenge.
- Like--
- Mm-hmm.
I know that they maybe didn't enjoy it,
but they let me go.
Yeah.
It would make you feel like
the most important person in the world.
That's great.
Is that the end of the story?
I don't want to interrupt.
It's just that there's a, uh, uh--
[Smilodon growling]
[Widgit] Oh!
[Penelope] Stay very still
and it might not see us.
Oh, no.
It's going to eat that "rhinokelos."
Stay silent.
Don't attract its attention.
Hey.
You want something to eat,
you big toothy slob?
- Bittelig!
- Why?
Look over here!
[growling]
Bittelig, remember my advice
from the previous sentence?
I didn't think it through.
I would like to use this opportunity to,
uh, apologize for putting you all at risk.
So don't you worry, it is all on me.
Fine, all right.
Throw all the stolen treasures at it.
- Really?
- Yes, yes.
- [strains]
- [Penelope] Okay.
[Widgit] I missed.
[strains] I missed.
[strains] Missed.
That's everything. That's all we've got.
- [stammers] Already?
- I've got these breath mints.
- Should I throw the breath mints?
- Yes, yes.
[Smilodon growling]
I'm afraid.
- Oh, for the love of-- [grunts] Got it!
- [Alto] Oh.
- [cheers] Yes!
- [grunting]
[Penelope] Take that!
[growling]
Is-Is it looking at me?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Very much so.
Scare it. Scare it. Scare it away.
- Scare it?
- Go away!
Become a bigger predator together.
Come on. As a chorus. Away!
- [screaming]
- Away!
Away!
- Away!
- [Penelope] It worked!
- Yes!
- [Widgit] Yes!
- [Alto] The power of acting!
- [Widgit] Yes! Yes!
- Yeah!
- [rumbling]
[Bittelig chuckles]
- Run! Run away!
- [all screaming]
There! Behind there, quickly.
Quickly!
[all screaming, grunting]
Okay. Okay, we'll be okay here.
[all screaming]
[crashing]
[debris clattering]
[voices murmuring]
[groaning]
[Neanderthals communicating vocally]
[Neanderthals shouting]
- [grunts, breathes heavily]
- [animal roaring]
Mammoth.
[Saffron] Kevin!
[stutters] Saffron?
Finally found you, Kevin.
I finally found you.
- Kevin.
- Brother Kevin?
- [Saffron] Yeah.
- Yeah?
[Neanderthal] Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Saffron, how-- [stammers] What-- When--
Wha-- What are you doing riding a mammoth?
What?
Paleontologists say there's no evidence
that people rode mammoths.
Well, tell them paleontologists to do one,
'cause I'm riding a flippin' mammoth.
Aren't I?
[Penelope] Kevin, we found your family.
- [strains] Help me. Thank you.
- That's not-- No.
Nice to meet you.
We've been searching for you.
- They're not--
- You all look alike.
[grunts] I've been attacked by cavemen.
Oh, it's not-- It's-It's his family.
- Sorry. How offensive.
- Flippin' hell.
Who have you got yourself involved with?
Except, this is my little sister.
- You have a sister?
- Oh, the annoying one?
- Hey!
- I never said that.
I-I never said that.
No, I mean,
is the annoying one your sister?
You're coming at me?
- No, I'm not.
- Coming at her?
- Coming at her?
- [Widgit] No, I'm not.
- You having a go, mate?
- [Widgit] Stop it. I'm not.
- No.
- Widgit.
- What? They started it.
- Yeah, just give up.
[Saffron] Yeah. Listen to your mate.
- Give up!
- Give up, mate.
- Go on, give it up.
- Give up, mate.
- [whimpers]
- [Time Bandits] Oh, Kevin?
- [Bittelig] He fainted.
- [Alto] He's all right.
[mammoth growling]
Whoa.
You're back, Bruv?
[stammers] Yeah.
Right, introductions.
So this is Faza and Howler.
They basically, like, looked after me.
Basically been my cave parents.
Hey, ya.
- And that's Tooth Tooth and Meatgirl.
- [grunts]
You wanna introduce me to all these
randoms you're with?
I'm not bothered.
They call themselves the Time Bandits.
[scoffs] More like Time Randos.
- Hello?
- Yeah, hi.
Oh, this girl.
How'd you get here?
Mammoth.
Duh, Kevin.
- What a muppet.
- What a muppet.
Meatgirl, Tooth Tooth, shut up.
That's me brother.
Soz. LOL.
I mean, back in time.
Went through your
magical bedroom or whatever.
And then I asked people, "Have you seen
this nerd?" And they were like,
"Yeah, he went that way with a bunch
of weirdos." Meaning all you, obvs.
- [Bittelig] Oh, no.
- [animal groaning]
It is the hairy rhino.
It's broken its leg.
- Oh.
- Can't we help him?
Uh, okay, but we can't keep it.
No pets. Too big.
I call them rhinos unicorns.
But it's not a unicorn though, is it?
It's got two horns.
Well, it's a flippin' "twonicorn" then.
No, it's not.
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
- No, it's not. No, it's not.
[mammoth growls]
[Saffron] This is where I've been living.
Be normal.
You're all right, Bizza?
[chuckles]
[Saffron] How's it going, Iggy? Sheena?
Saff.
Wait here, Mambo 2. Stay.
I don't-- I don't know how to-- Saff.
[breathes heavily, screams]
- [thudding]
- [Kevin groaning]
Loudest Voice, how's your counting going?
One, two, three!
Nailin' it, mate.
Uh, hey, Grunt.
[grunts]
Me brother.
- Hello, "Grant."
- [grunts]
No. Grunt.
'Cause that's how he says hello.
Oh.
- [grunts]
- [grunts]
Is that how Neanderthals greet people?
It's how 13-year-olds greet people.
Racist.
- [grunts]
- [grunts]
How do you know all this stuff?
How can you talk to them
without a translator?
How did you learn to ride a mammoth?
And throw spears?
And why does everyone speak like you?
I learned. And I taught them things.
But you haven't been here long enough.
- I've been here ages, Kev.
- Huh?
I've been here nearly three years.
What?
Thirty-two months I've been here.
I marked every day.
Traced me hand.
That's great, Loudest Voice.
Yeah.
What are these little red circles for?
Oh, those are my birthdays.
I missed your birthdays?
It's all right.
Oh, my gosh.
That means I'm older than you now.
Saff, I have to tell you something.
I'm the oldest.
That means I can tell you
to shut up when I want.
You already used to every day.
It means I'm in charge
when Mum and Dad aren't here.
Saff, Mum and Dad--
I'm taller than you.
- Saff--
- Let me have this moment, Kevin!
- All right. [sighs]
- I'm the oldest. I'm the biggest.
I'm the oldest and I'm the best.
[grunting]
- [twonicorn groaning]
- [all chattering]
You know,
you could've pulled this by yourself.
Penelope, I couldn't see
'cause I had frozen tears in my eyes.
I'm superior in every area.
How's your annoying sister, Kevin?
This is the happiest I've ever seen her.
So this is where all the cooking happens?
And the diet's all Paleo?
- What? What?
- You what?
[scoffs] I love these people.
I'm gonna teach them about the theater.
[twonicorn groaning]
Oh, everything is okay.
You are with Bittelig now.
Eat now, yeah?
- No.
- Mmm.
Eat now, yeah?
No, we're not going to eat it.
Oh.
We are going to save it.
To eat now?
No, no, no, no, no.
Just to save it so it can live a life.
An-And have a future.
- Laters, yeah?
- Future.
I am superior in every area.
So, who's the most annoying
family member in your family?
- [Saffron] Superior in every area.
- It's close, isn't it?
Between the two of you, it's close.
Superior. What are you looking at? Jog on.
You jog-- Jog in. Jog at.
No, you get your jogging shoes on
and jog on.
Jog on.
- Mmm.
- So, she's staying here, right?
[Saffron] So, we got to meet the chief.
He's, uh, kinda like the top dog,
like the prime minister of the cavepeople.
All right, Saff, yeah?
- Yeah. You?
- Mmm.
This is my brother
I was telling youse all about.
Kevin?
[speaks gibberish]
Yeah.
I don't talk like that.
I don't know why people think that.
Well, I don't [speaks gibberish]
innit, yeah?
- LOL.
- [Neanderthals] LOL. Big LOL, yeah.
You've told everyone here that I'm boring?
At least I mentioned you.
And this is the group of randoms
he travels with.
- Randoms?
- Yeah, that would be us.
Saff, you bring randoms here, innit?
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Soz.
Uh, we will be taking the girl with us.
- Take Saff?
- I'm sure that's a huge relief to you.
No. No LOL. Saff is with us now.
Yeah, innit, yeah?
[stammers] She's my sister.
[Neanderthals] She's my sister.
My sister. My sister. My sister.
I've got to go see my parents.
- [Neanderthals murmuring]
- [Penelope] Oh.
We need Saff.
She's a total legend, innit? Yeah?
Legend Saff.
- Saff's a legend.
- [Howler] Total legend. Yeah.
I'm a total legend, yeah? As you can see.
In what way?
Uh, e.g., in every kind of way.
I've got good banter.
I taught them how to banter.
I invented the chair.
Check it. Sick chair, yeah? Skull on it.
"YOLO."
You only live once.
[Neanderthals] YOLO.
- YOLO.
- YOLO.
YOLO.
[sniffs]
- [grunts]
- It's a performance.
He's coming over to you.
[grunts]
[groans]
He's intimidating.
[leader groans]
- Yeah, he's cool.
- [grunting, groaning]
[grunts]
- Challenge accepted.
- What?
No, no, no, I didn't-- I didn't--
NGL, you did.
Uh, he says, "Not gonna lie, but you did."
No, no. [stammers]
I thought I was saying hello.
[Saffron] He thinks you're a threat to his
authority because you're another leader.
It's a big deal. It's kinda like
the patriarchy and all that.
Yes, yes. But I-- Um, I am not the leader.
Yeah, but you is though.
- No, no.
- But you is though.
Yes, I understood him.
But you see, we vote.
I mean, you is,
'cause that's just the way it is,
and you is the leader. Innit, yeah?
Um-- [chuckles] I am not the leader.
- You is the leader, yeah, innit? You is.
- No, but-- [stammers]
He doesn't like you.
Well, I'm picking up on that.
Yes, you is the leader.
- It-- [stammers] Okay, yeah.
- Just stop.
- It's not over. Yeah?
- Okay.
We should go now.
- Laters.
- [Penelope] Okay.
Okay.
It's not over!
[groaning]
Twonicorn, we gonna reset your leg now,
so it's gonna hurt a little.
I have-- I have everything I need here.
So you just relax.
Nothing to be afraid of.
You're ready?
[groans]
Oh. Are you not ready? Okay.
Yeah, I was ready,
but if you're not ready, that's okay.
- We can do it later.
- [twonicorn groans]
Yes, we will do it later
when he is, uh, is ready to, uh--
- Eat now.
- No.
How about now?
[Bittelig] No eat.
- No.
- Nom nom.
Please go.
Wanker.
[twonicorn groans]
- [Penelope] "Sasquatch."
- [Saffron] Saffron.
[Penelope] That's right, yes.
What did the chief--
I guess-- mean by "challenge"?
Don't worry.
- Probably a physical challenge.
- A what?
[Saffron] Because you're trying
to take me away.
- Maybe a fistfight. Fighting an animal.
- What?
Getting thrown into a freezing cold lake.
What?
Seeing how many times you can get clubbed.
Wha-- No. Okay,
I think we should probably go.
- I concur.
- You'll die out there at night.
Yeah, no,
we're not gonna survive out there.
I concur with him.
So, anyway, you're gonna need
these 'cause it gets cold at night.
At night? It's cold all the time.
Yeah. It's the Ice Age,
not the warm, cozy age.
Well, this is wonderful.
[Widgit] Oh? They stink.
What is your problem?
He doesn't like you
because he doesn't know you.
Yeah, and I don't like him,
'cause I know him.
- [Kevin scoffs]
- [Bittelig shivering]
[grunts]
What is this?
It's to keep you warm.
To keep me warm?
Soz.
But I was busy looking after Twonicorn.
It's not a unicorn.
It is to us.
It is to us, Kevin. It's magical.
- It's not.
- Shut up.
- It's not. It's not.
- Shut up. Shut up.
- Saff.
- Kevin, shut up!
[Howler] Throw him off cliff.
No.
But thank you, Howler.
- [hand sizzling]
- [screams]
No. No, that's hot. Remember? Hot.
- It's burny.
- It is, innit?
Yeah. It is.
- [hand sizzling]
- [screams]
- I just told you not to touch it.
- [Loudest Voice] Soz.
[Bittelig] Everything is going to be fine.
- [twonicorn groaning]
- [Bittelig] We're gonna fix your leg.
And you are going to walk again. Yes.
We lost Susan, we lost Judy.
[whispering] We're not
going to lose you, my friend.
Saff, I-I have to tell you something.
I-It's hard to say, but--
Hold on.
Top dog's here.
Oh, boy. It's this guy.
- Penelope.
- [Penelope] Mmm?
[Alto] The guy from the cave.
Yes, I recognize him.
[Widgit] He's really eyeballing ya.
I don't know what I did.
You haven't done anything, Penelope.
Thank you.
It's just a weird energy
you give off to people and animals.
What does that mean?
Oh, look. He's really looking at you now.
What? Oh.
You're mugging me off?
- Pardon?
- You're mugging me off?
What does that mean?
He thinks you're mugging him off.
What does-- What does that mean?
I think he means like you mugged at him.
Like, you mugged him off.
- What does that mean?
- Making a fool of him.
You're mugging me off, is it? Innit, yeah?
- Mugging me off, innit?
- In-Innit? "Innot"? "Innint"?
- Yeah!
- I'm really not. This is awkward.
How do I get out of this?
Saff, I have to tell you
something important.
[Penelope] No. I don't--
I don't-- I'm not mocking.
- [Alto] What have I missed?
- Can we have some privacy?
- Yeah.
- Kevin, don't leave me with--
Oh, you're gonna-- Okay.
Ugh.
Saff, i-- it's about Mum and Dad.
I miss them. Do you miss them?
I mean, it hasn't been as long for you,
so it's not as bad.
But you still miss them, right? Like--
What is that?
This is them. This is Mum and Dad.
Looks like lumps of coal.
- Yeah, I know. It's pretty bad.
- "Pretty bad"?
What happened to them?
Uh, a demon turned them
into lumps of coal.
A-A demon? What?
Is it your fault somehow?
I wonder that too.
They're dead?
Oh. Yeah.
But we have a map
that can take us through time.
We think if we can find the right portal,
we can--
Find this demon
and knee him in the bollocks.
It's actually a she. Sexist.
No, we can stop it from happening.
That demon chick, does she have
orange glowing eyes and hectic hair?
Y-You saw her? At-- At our house?
No. The weirdo
was stalking me in the forest.
She gave me the ick. [winces]
- She's a flippin' minger.
- That's her.
If she came at me now,
she wouldn't have a chance.
She's powerful.
I'd get a spear. And then I'd get
my mates, Kaga, Meatgirl, and Scarlett.
I know them from school.
And smack. Thunk. Hobble her.
She's a demon, Saff.
[Kevin sighs]
I've been trying to get to Mum and Dad
since it happened.
And I don't know how to.
I don't know where to go.
I don't know when to go.
I don't even know if it's possible.
I almost gave up.
Well, I did give up, Kevin.
I couldn't find my way out of here.
I looked, looked and looked.
And I just gave up.
I had to concentrate on surviving.
But we've found each other now.
And we're gonna do this together, yeah?
Yeah.
- [Saffron] Yeah?
- [stutters] Yeah.
And we're not gonna give up.
See your dodgy mates?
[Bittelig] Maybe like this.
Or maybe like this.
I'm Lady Capulet. "Get thee to bed
and rest, for thou hast need."
And now I'll be Juliet. Don't worry,
Meatgirl. It'll be you on the day.
They look like convicted kidnappers
disguised as reject circus performers.
But he is not gonna give up,
until that unicorn is walking again.
And he's not gonna give up
until he teaches cavepeople acting.
And I don't know what
they're trying to do over there.
You was proper
muggin' me off, innit, yeah?
But they can't give up.
And neither can we.
Tomorrow, we are going off
to find the portal or whatever.
And we are gonna save our mum and dad.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[Kevin] We won't give up.
[Saffron] Just like your mates.
I can't do it.
I don't have any medical training.
I give up, Twonicorn. I give up.
- I'm alive, you understand?
- You're dead.
No, Juliet in the play is dead,
but I am, in fact, alive. It's acting.
- You're dead!
- That's it. You're not getting it.
- You're dead! [crying]
- You're not gonna get-- I quit. I quit.
- [Penelope] I give up.
- [leader] You're muggin' me, yeah?
- [Neanderthals crying, shouting]
- "Chiffon."
[leader] You're fully mocking me.
- Oh, no. He's back on your mate again.
- [leader] Mocking me, yeah?
[leader] Take her to the challenge, innit.
No!
"Penepole" must pick a challenge
to take Saff away, innit, yeah?
Choose, yeah?
[Saffron] You're gonna
have to pick a challenge.
Otherwise, I'm not gonna
be able to go with youse.
So, either you have to fight hand-to-hand
with Kaga--
- [Kaga groans]
- [Saffron] And Kaga is hard as nails.
She'll probably flippin' do you.
Flippin' do you, innit.
- Kaga!
- Uh-huh?
Or you have to do the walk of fear.
Oh, okay. What is the walk of fear?
Sounds scary.
You have to walk over
to that rock and back. Alone.
So wha-what are the risks?
It's just, earlier today
I-I threw a pack of breath mints
at a cave lion and, um
[stammers] it's still around, I think.
- Jog on.
- [Neanderthals] Jog on.
- Yes. Okay.
- Jog on. Go on.
Get on with it.
Oh. It's actually very dark.
Well, this doesn't do much, does it?
Is she gonna make it?
Depends if she's good at fighting animals.
I'm cold, Widgit.
I'm freezing, mate.
Yeah, I'm freezing too, Bittelig.
This fur, it's not my size, is it?
No. No, it's not.
[whimpers]
Listen [breathes shakily] There
is a way we can get more fur though.
- Oh, really? How?
- Yeah.
- [Bittelig] No.
- [twonicorn groaning]
[Penelope] You think you can
intimidate me. Literally a Neanderthal.
Grunting at me.
Well, I can grunt right back.
[grunts] That was me, right?
Where am I?
Oh, I don't know.
Okay.
[exclaims] Prints. So there and there.
Ha! [chuckles] You're
damn right, I'm a leader.
[chuckles, exclaims]
Okay, well, that's snow.
That's all right.
See? I'm not afraid of a walk of fear.
I am Firestorm.
I know not fear. I know not her name.
[chuckles] Well, I guess it's fear.
No, I can't do it.
I love that "rhinokelos."
I know, mate.
Like, I saw his eyes, Widgit.
I just love him. [cries] I can't do it.
It's either that animal or it's us.
These are strong hairy men
and women of the mountain.
I wasn't built for this.
- [Alto shivering]
- Look at Alto.
I think he's on his way out.
Oh, Widgit, where is he going?
- Don't make me say it.
- [Alto whimpering]
- I'll have another look.
- [Widgit] Yeah.
[twonicorn snoring]
[exhales sharply] Ah.
[sighs] It's just there.
Okay.
[breathing heavily, groaning]
Oh, the eyes of death. [inhales deeply]
[whispering] It's-- It's looking at me.
[normal] I'm s-s-so sorry
I thr-- threw that packet
of breath mints at your--
at your head.
[stammers] So sorry.
Please forgive me.
I'm just-- Is it okay if I just--
I'm gonna
[exclaims] Good. Done. Goodbye.
The eyes of death. The eyes of death.
Eyes of death. Eyes of death.
The eyes of death.
[squeaking]
The eyes of death. The eyes of death.
The eyes of death. The eyes of death.
The eyes of death.
[breathing heavily]
[twonicorn groaning]
The eyes of death. The eyes of death.
[twonicorn continues groaning]
[breathes heavily]
[Widgit] You couldn't do it, could you?
[gasps] No.
Okay, time to go, nobcicles.
No, it's-- We're the Time Bandits.
Let's do it to it.
I'll go in front 'cause I'm older.
I was born first.
I'm older.
- Age depends on who was born first.
- Oh, my God. Kevin
- So if I was, then I'm older.
- I've been here almost three years.
- Yeah, but this is back in time.
- I'm almost 13.
- You're 11.
- This is back in time.
- I'm almost 13.
- That's not the normal timeline.
I am going in the front
to protect everybody.
That's good. Big cats
either go for the front or the back.
Yes. Well, actually,
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go in the middle,
I think, so I have
a good overview of the group.
"Penope" has my 'spect. Isn't she, yeah?
He says he respects you 'cause no one's
been all the way to the rock before.
- They're afraid.
- Legend.
Ah, thank you.
You havin' a go?
No, no.
- I was taking the mick. LOL.
- [Neanderthals] LOL.
Hilarious.
- Be my woman.
- What?
You. Me. We could rule this together.
He's keen on you.
You keen?
Uh, w-well, [stammers] I'm spoken for.
- Oh?
- [Penelope] So
- Got it.
- A fiancé.
Oh, fancy? Is it? Yeah.
Don't actually know where he is,
so you could actually--
But I have a fiancé,
which means that I am unavailable.
Jealous.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm well jel, yeah?
Well jel, yeah.
- You go now?
- We have to save our family.
Yeah, we're family, innit?
Me other family.
We're gonna see
if we can save our parents.
What happened?
Well, they're dead.
- Dead?
- [Saffron] Yeah.
But we're gonna see
if we can make 'em alive again.
[grunts] Alive? Again?
But YOLO.
[Neanderthals] YOLO.
YOLO.
Maybe you can live more than once.
Maybe YOLT.
[Neanderthals] YOLT.
She's dead.
No, no. I'm alive, t-thank you.
But, uh, it was acting.
You're dead.
- [Alto] Acting.
- Gonna miss these cavepeople.
You know what it's like
to be the smartest person around?
Yeah.
Don't eat the "rhinokeros."
- We'll eat it.
- Eat it.
No, I will be coming back.
No, don't eat. We're coming back.
[Penelope] We're coming back?
- Okay, Saff.
- Okay, Saff.
Be my woman, yeah?
- Okay. So, let's go right now.
- Yeah, this way.
- Is that a maybe, "Penope"?
- Bye!
Oh, no.
[Bittelig] Penelope,
when can we come back?
[Penelope] Come back? No, why?
- We have to help the "rhinokeros."
- [Saffron] I have to see me mates.
- [Penelope] The people you just saw?
- Yes.
[Kevin] Would you guys like
to hear a fact about the Ice Age?
- [Penelope] Oh, no.
- [all] No.