Time Hustler (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

Huh?
Don't kill me.
I swear I'll never lie again.
-You got changed?
-Did you expect a bridal gown?
Let's go while we still have the chance.
-You can't leave!
-Me and my big mouth.
Rufino?
-I could stab you right--
-Let go! As if you'd know how to use it.
Why you dressed like a lady?
Selling jewelry?
You're in danger!
Lampião's coming with his gang,
and he's gonna chop you and everyone up
and make a Caatingueiras stew!
Sweet Jesus. God help me.
Good grief.
I've fainted just getting an injection.
Imagine if I was stabbed in the neck.
I can't even see blood. God forbid.
Shouldn't you be licking
the colonel's boots?
You were right. He wants to use Lampião
to slaughter the town.
I stood up to him and he shot at me!
I spent the night
hiding in Zulmira's yard.
I don't know, Rufino.
You're not only a liar,
you have terrible style.
If Lampião's coming,
many people will die because of me.
I don't wanna be responsible
for so much death. It's bad luck.
We're in the same boat.
Runaways sentenced to death.
You chose the right side, Mariá.
When I joined the gang,
you said I'd end up wearing pants.
-Did you think you'd end up in a dress?
-I'd hit that.
Make fun of me all you want. I deserve it!
But I also deserve another chance,
like Virguley, who also wronged you.
We were both used by Colonel.
You're right.
We need to find Lampião
and tell him Colonel
is in cahoots with the troops.
Because if there's one thing
Lampião hates more than fake cangaceiros,
it's real policemen.
A NETFLIX SERIES
No, it's spelled with a "Z,"
as in "ceiling."
-No, it's with a "C," as in "secret."
-It ain't.
-It's with an "S," as in "chair."
-Chair is with a "C."
Storyteller, my son.
"Cícero" is spelled with a "C," my angel.
"C" as in "cretin," which is what you are.
Oh Lord, give me patience.
If You give me strength,
I'll kill somebody!
Oh, Brother,
why don't you sip
some chamomile tea to calm down?
Thank you, Lord, for this calming tea.
By the light of St. Anthony of Carthage,
Saint Lucy, Saint Barbara,
and our patron saint,
I thank you, God.
Ma'am, mass doesn't start until later.
I'm just taking a sip to get warmed up.
Mother of God!
Our Lady Aparecida, is that you?
Brother, we have a problem.
What are you doing here? I'm very busy!
I'm really busy with church matters!
Your cachaça breath
doesn't come close to the smell of death.
Don't waste it! It's a sin!
Lampião is coming
to reign terror over Caatingueiras.
Lampião?
The original.
I'm the unofficial cover,
and he's coming to sue for copyright.
Oh, leave me alone.
What do you want from me?
-Do you need to be anointed?
-I need you to gather some villagers.
We have to tell them very tactfully.
All right?
Of course, my children.
Namaste.
Lampião is coming to kill everyone!
He'll chop your fingers off
with a sheet of paper.
He'll tear your tongues out
with a pair of pliers.
He'll rip out your guts with a rake.
He'll twist your nuts around
with a wrench.
Now, I don't want to stir
any unnecessary panic,
so please don't accuse me of doing so.
First, you say you're Lampião,
then you say he's on his way.
What's next? Is Lampião pregnant?
Even Ms. Zulmira
is more trustworthy than you are.
Oh, sticks and stones.
I don't care what the S-L-U-T says.
How dare you, you imbecile.
-Always blabbing. You cocksucker!
-That's you!
Right, and everybody knows it.
At least I don't hide it.
You're lucky we're in church
or I'd call you a cu--
That's enough!
So disrespectful,
squabbling in the house of our Lord!
If Lampião comes,
I'll be happy to see Caatingueiras
free of you two bickering hens.
Why would we believe a guy
who lied about who he really was?
-He even lied about dying.
-But I "undied."
Haven't we told you how Colonel set us up?
Listen up.
Colonel found out
that Virguley wasn't Lampião
and blackmailed him
in order to steal from the people.
Got it, Zé Bofão?
Then, Rufino lied
about Virguley being dead
so he could marry me.
Yep, that was it.
Between liars, I pick Colonel,
who at least is who he says he is.
You called us here to tell us that?
Brother, spewing such hairy lies
inside a church is a sin.
-Very hairy lies.
-Like a merkin.
It's not surprising you believe this crap
since you really think Padre Cícero
is coming to the saint's festival too.
But Padre Cícero is coming
for the saint's festival!
And I'll witness it with my very eyes!
A slaughter?
Colonel is evil, but not that evil.
Hey.
-You have no idea.
-Rufino?
-You're wearing my dress?
-Yeah.
-It fits me.
-Wanna come work for me?
We tried. The Lord saw it.
-Yeah, but that's all He did.
-With one eye closed.
Sorry we're late.
We took the longer path to stay hidden.
Now we'll take the shorter path, plan B.
I'm gonna surrender to Colonel.
Hell no. Plan B stands for bullshit.
I won't let you do it.
I won't let you get hurt
because of my lies.
We'll go too, Captain.
Amare, you taught me
to love others for who they are,
and, most importantly,
for what makes them different.
Mock-Up Guard, you made me believe
we're all as big as our dreams.
Bumper block, you showed me
we need to have courage
and believe in ourselves
to achieve our dreams.
Motherboard, you made me realize
that knowledge is the essence of truth,
and the cure for fake news.
Miss Delay,
you taught me
how light and crunchy the world could be.
Waze,
you made me see through your eyes
and view the colors of the world
using all of my senses.
Wordy,
you were the spokesman of my heart.
Lockdown, you made me realize--
I'm not crying.
-Me neither.
-Me neither.
Speaking of love,
Mariá, you changed my life.
You're the person I love the most.
And a cangaceiro
is nothing without his gang.
And you were the best gang
I could ever wish for.
Who would win, Lampião or Corisco?
-Lampião.
-Why?
Have you seen his musket?
-No, have you?
-I was told.
Hey, elite squad, I surrender!
-Impossible. Is this Lampião real or fake?
-Must be the--
Must be the fake one. We're still alive.
Colonel wants him alive. Come.
You're under arrest, punk.
Finally, you caught that liar.
Us villagers want to reward the soldiers
who arrested the fake Lampião.
-Looks like I brought joy to this place.
-Free shots for Virguley's vanquishers.
You've earned this special treat,
on the house.
Here, drink it up, chop-chop.
It's Brother Menino's holy cachaça.
Hey, I see you've arrested that liar.
-You deserve a quick reward.
-We get a reward?
A striptease performance
from a newly arrived brunette, Rufana.
Wow, look at that beauty.
That's what I call a killer ass.
-Looks like quite a show.
-Could you wait a bit to be killed?
No worries, don't mind me.
Go, Rufana, seduce them.
-What about you? Would you tap that?
-If I could be so lucky.
Oh, Rufana.
-Rufana.
-Watch those hands of yours.
-Excuse the delay.
-Took you long enough!
Man, how about that blow?
Did Amanda Nunes train you?
We train on clients who don't pay.
But the real knocker
was Zé Bofão's spiked cachaça.
So you slipped them a mickey
and knocked them out to save me?
Everyone is on your side, Virguley.
Virguley.
If I've ever wronged you, now we're even.
You're the real deal, Rufino.
Now, I wanna know
if there's any spiked cachaça left.
There's enough
to take down the entire troop.
I've just had another idea.
Well, tell us.
I was ready for a shootout,
and she makes us pray?
We're praying for her to see a way.
A way ahead.
The way in or the way out?
Hey, pretty lace maker
Hey, make me a pretty lace…
I'd kill for some food right now.
Hail Mary, full of Grace…
Hail Mary, full of Grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the--
I bet nobody is actually praying.
I'm pretty sure.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Aroeira's good for the throat.
I want cake. Gotta hang my clothes.
A neckless guard is like an alligator.
Rock, paper--
Three days without underwear.
Brave men die young.
Mariá?
Mariá, what's the plan?
Without Virguley,
you're the leader of the gang.
I don't even know what the cangaço is.
I grew up wanting to join Lampião's gang,
now I learn he's invading my town.
If that's a cangaceiro, I'm out.
-Amen.
-Amen.
We're leaving.
-We don't wanna mess with the festival.
-What's a festival without a mess?
You're helping us?
Why did you change your mind so fast?
Rufana-- I mean, Rufino convinced us.
Rufana?
I knew you weren't that coldhearted.
But it doesn't change anything between us.
I've realized love shouldn't be a prison.
It should set you free.
Even if it means you'll end up with
some ugly, wishy-washy cangaceiro.
Up yours! We need to prepare.
We have until sunrise
to reach Slow Death Road.
Why until sunrise?
I heard that Lampião is religious as hell.
He'd never invade a town
during the saint's festival.
We must leave before the celebration.
What about the soldiers everywhere?
Virguley, I have a plan.
But in order for it to be unfailing,
we're gonna need this one.
Rufana, you've been promoted.
May God, Our Lady Aparecida,
St. Anthony of Carthage,
and our patron saint bless us all!
Amen!
Chico the Whip, what's scarier,
Lampião or ghosts?
Ghosts.
Have you heard about the man
who married a dead woman?
Can you imagine?
BBB, let's change the subject, man.
Dead, Chico the Whip.
As dead as they come.
Chico the Whip!
WELCOME TO CAATINGUEIRAS
-Man up, dude.
-It's me.
-I surrender.
-Lieutenant Rufino?
More like Lady Rufina.
I'd rather die by your hands
than by the impostors
who are terrorizing Caatingueiras.
-That impostor gang's in town?
-Yes.
-They're ruining the festival.
-What?
You over there, go check it out.
If it's true, arrest the impostor.
Then break his intestine's bones.
Go! Show them that Colonel
is the real boss around here.
-A man in a dress, so weird--
-You got a problem with that?
Don't pass out again.
Go hide in the shadows, pigs.
And don't turn around,
or I'll shoot you
until you look like Swiss cheese.
Bumper Block, tie them up.
Go on, pansies.
Hey, Rufino,
get ready to change your clothes.
Hail, Hail
Hail Mary
Hail, Hail
Hail Mary
Hail, Hail
Hail Mary
WELCOME PADRE CÍCERO
Hail, Hail
Hail Mary…
Colonel, I had an idea.
No! I have a much better idea.
At my order, you'll enter the procession
to look for the impostor
and his dumb gang.
My idea exactly, Colonel.
You're accusing me of stealing your idea?
-No.
-Whose idea was it?
-Yours.
-I'm a genius!
Clearly.
-Copycat.
-Copycat.
-Copy--
-Enough. Let's go.
Okay, guys, it's all clear.
Hail, Hail
Hail Mary…
How long is that gun barrel, huh?
I'm giving you all
discounts at the brothel.
Free drinks for our heroes.
Look here. Free cachaça, have some.
I want to fight, Captain!
Uh-oh. Colonel is walking towards them.
What do we do now?
Well, get that ass on stage.
Why can't we leave through the door?
Hey, boys! Look over here!
This one's on the house!
Check out this ass.
They got me. But what-- Captain?
Where's the floor?
You idiot!
By "ass" I meant Colonel.
Get Colonel on sta--
Get out of here!
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.
I'd like to take this opportunity
to give a special thanks
to our beloved Colonel.
Me?
-Speech, Colonel!
-Speech!
-Speech!
-Thank you.
Thank you very much!
Thank you, Brother Menino,
our celestial high authority
here in Caatingueiras.
A pious man like yourself
could only be yourself!
-Is everybody here? So, let's go.
-Let's go.
Someone farted.
That foul stench could blind someone.
Yuck. It wasn't me.
Me neither. It should be used in war.
It was me!
And that wasn't even a bad one.
Pig!
Come back here!
It is with great fondness
that I remember the mother of my children,
Mrs. Taís Fregano.
A generous, giving woman.
I'm proud of the children she gave me,
but they've left me for the cangaço!
My son, Amaro, a true stallion,
as manly as they come,
just like me, sadly lost his way.
My daughter Amália, the great schemer,
was brainwashed.
My daughter Amélia,
my precious little thing,
my youngest, my cutie-pie,
also lost her way!
I'm very touched by this homage.
Senile man, you can't even run away right.
-Here.
-No way. It stinks in there.
Better to stink and live
than smell good and die.
If only one of my children were here.
Which one? Amélia's running away
with the cangaceiros over there.
Who's running away?
-Me.
-What? Amélia!
Catch them before they get away. Now!
They saw us. Hurry! Get inside!
You first.
No, the troops will kill you.
No, I'll cover you. Go!
Let go of me, Brother!
I'm gonna get them--
It's raining flowers…
It's gonna be raining bullets. After them!
It's raining flowers
It's gonna rain bullets!
It's raining flowers…
Let go of me!
It's raining flowers
I'm a motherfucking biker!
Catch that damn impostor!
Go get him!
Get that son of a bitch!
Come on, dammit. Go!
What a weasel.
No, don't kill him! I need him alive.
Get up!
Jesus Christ. Go!
Get up! Go after him.
Twenty men isn't enough to catch him?
He's like a worked up lizard.
Come on!
You bunch of wimps!
You're 20! He's just one man!
Catch that impostor!
You guys are geniuses.
I'm glad it worked out.
-Where's Virguley?
-He stayed behind to distract the guards.
I don't know whether to wait
or go back to help him.
We're pretty far now.
Oh God.
We're still in danger.
I'll talk to him.
No way. You're not going alone.
We're coming with you, Mariá.
Right, gang?
Crap.
Crap.
What the hell is this?
Is this some kind of joke?
-Did we lose the entrance?
-We did?
What? Yes or no?
Yes, Colonel. I think so.
Answer me!
You're a bunch of usele--
-I don't hit women.
-I appreciate it, Colonel.
That's enough, you wimps! Go after them!
Don't let the impostor get away!
I'm screwed.
It's Lampião.
We're all gonna die.
Come on, man, toughen up.
Halt.
-We must speak to Captain Lampião.
-Who dares stand in my way?
-I've killed for much less.
-Don't you recognize me, Captain?
I'm Mariá,
daughter of Toinho of the oxcart.
Toinho's daughter?
I remember you, girl.
So you're a cangaceira now?
And you're friends with a pig?
Explain yourself.
Rest assured, Captain,
we're both on your side.
We're dressed like this
to fight the colonel's troops.
The town's full of them.
They're after you.
-It's a trap.
-Colonel Tibúrcio? Troops?
Colonel Tibúrcio is my friend.
I'm here for a son of a bitch impostor
who's been impersonating me.
Captain, on this holy day,
the day of Our Lady Revealed,
for Padre Cícero, you need to believe me.
-What proof do you have?
-She doesn't need to show proof.
You can hear the proof coming.
-It's the pigs!
-May I suggest an idea, sir?
Why don't your men fight them here
while we sneak into town with you?
I'm sure Colonel will be unguarded.
Welcome the pigs with bullets!
I'm going into town to settle things
with that traitorous Colonel.
This situation's made me even angrier!
Today, I'm thirsty for pig blood!
Bullets for the pigs!
Bastard pigs!
Let's kill some pigs.
Come on!
Stay, Jararaca.
Leave no survivors.
Colonel, look over there.
It's Mariá and the impostor.
What the hell?
Is the bastard a wizard?
Did he turn
that donkey on wheels into a cart?
And Rufino is with them.
Rufino.
I'll show him how I deal with traitors.
Rufino!
Rufino! Rufino's been killed!
Pig bastards!
Tonight, pigs will die.
-You led me into an ambush?
-No, I swear.
The colonel is just a cruel bastard.
Here comes the crazy one! Stop her!
Gotcha.
That looked like it hurt.
-Hold her! Hold this naughty one.
-Let go of me!
What the hell is this?
Both of them?
Eat bullets!
If half those bullets come this way,
we're screwed.
-Go calm them, Lockdown.
-You go, Miss Delay.
-Go where?
-She's not going anywhere.
I'll stab this one to death.
I can't see a thing, so I'll go.
If it's a matter of bravery,
Guard is our man.
I'll kill them all! I'll spare no one!
-I'll rip their nails out!
-Be quiet.
Only one of us won't say anything stupid.
What nonsense is this?
He must be in cahoots with you!
Does he look like one of us?
This side is for pussies,
this one is for pansies.
Wanna shoot? Go for it!
This isn't some playground tussle,
it's a gun fight!
Hold on a second!
The way I see it,
you've never liked each other,
you never will, so why fight?
-Why are you fighting again?
-Miss Delay!
Here are the cangaceiros,
and here are the pigs.
Deadly enemies
who love killing each other.
What a bunch of wimps!
Fighting with guns is easy.
Show me your fists.
Take it easy!
If we think this through,
everyone can die.
Dump the pigs in a hole?
-Fill their holes with lead?
-Make holes with bullets?
He says the bird's in the nest
and the snake's in the hole!
I'm good at games.
Let's settle this like men.
It's now or never.
Our turn.
Birdbrains.
We're birdbrains.
Like chickens.
More like geese.
What sorcery is this?
Which one is the man
who says he's the man, but is the phony?
Stop playing games, Colonel.
You of all people, leading troops?
You of all people, leading troops?
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
catch a tiger by the toe--
I don't know who's who!
-I'm Lampião.
-Me too!
Virgulino Ferreira.
-Virgulino Ferreira da Silva.
-I knew it!
-King of the Sertão.
-My king!
Reelected senator of the Sertão,
which is much better!
-The one and only!
-The bravest man of the Sertão.
-Sure, who else could it be?
-What about Chuck Norris?
Enough of this nonsense!
You two are playing games with me.
You there, come here.
-He's losing it.
-Come here!
If you don't reveal yourselves,
I'll kill Mariá.
And if after that, no one comes forward,
I'll kill you both. You three.
Oh my dear Padre Cícero.
Hold her.
Sweet baby Jesus.
It's the real Padre Cícero.
Oh sweet Mother of mercy!
Padre Cícero!
I can't believe it!
-What's with him?
-He's always like this.
Bless you, Father.
Bless you, Padre Cícero.
I came for a saint's festival,
not an execution.
My sweet, holy Padre Cícero Romão Batista.
Bless you, Father!
It's an honor
to have Your Magnanimous Sanctity
in our neck of the woods.
Your Holiness knows Lampião, right?
Why don't you point out the real one?
They're truly the spitting image
of one another.
What tomfoolery is this?
It's me, Father.
Virgulino, your friend.
It's me. Virgulino. Your friend.
-You know I'm the real one, right, Father?
-Do I? How?
Only I truly know you.
You were born in Crato,
on March 24th, 1844.
Son of Joaquim Romão Batista
and Joaquina Ferreira Gusmão.
-Gastão.
-Gastão.
-That's what I said, Gastão.
-Well, close enough.
And you also went to Rome in 1898,
where you met with Pope Leo XIII,
who blessed your hat.
-Am I right?
-Well, that's true.
And you died on July 20th, 1934.
-I died?
-He died?
He died?
-I'm too old for this. I'm here.
-Oops, accidental spoiler.
Now ask this one over here
if he knows anything about you.
Tell us what you know, you!
I am Virgulino Ferreira da Silva,
known as Lampião,
you sons of bitches!
I don't need to hear anything else.
I already have my confirmation.
Arrest the impostor!
You're going to regret arresting me,
you damn traitor.
No longer my problem.
Good luck, buddy.
Forgive me, Captain, but I had to be sure.
And I'm not really with the police.
These guys look like troops,
but they're not. It's just pretend.
What's that?
Very well.
But I don't like to kill in public
during festivals.
Put this one in the barn.
I'll deal with him later.
I'll rip your guts out,
you son of a bitch.
I'll make you bleed
and eat your eyes, you bastard.
Now, let Mariá go.
No. Not Mariá. Not the cangaceira.
She's the daughter
of a friend of mine, Toninho.
"Toinho."
-Daughter of Toinho!
-Of course, Toinho of the oxcart!
Let the seamstress go.
Bless you, Father.
Captain, we need to go about this quickly,
otherwise you're screwed.
Leave it to me.
Padre Cícero,
one day you will be considered a saint.
Will I?
You will.
Hey, you eavesdroppers,
get to church for Padre Cícero's mass.
-No more sins allowed. Let's go, Mariá.
-Let's.
Someone wake the friar.
He can't miss this mass!
Brother.
What the hell is this?
A slaughter?
Is our gang celebrating?
Must be Brother Menino's holy cachaça.
Let's go.
Don't shoot!
Well, Captain is back.
Are you out of breath, sir?
I'm sorry, Captain, but what do we do now?
She will tell you.
He meant to say, we'll invade the village
and capture Colonel.
Exactly, but I need the whole gang
in order to hatch a plan.
We'll catch Colonel in the old barn.
We can't let him escape.
-Yes.
-Yep.
Follow me. I'll explain on the way.
You don't have to tell me twice.
Let's go!
Colonel,
what'll we do with the real Lampião
after he kills this one?
Nothing over the top.
We'll just chop his head off
and display it in the square.
-Colonel.
-My Captain.
I brought the impostor's gang
to die with him.
-My children too?
-You'd let your children die, Papa?
I don't have any children.
You abandoned me for the cangaço!
Here, Captain.
You do the honors.
Bless you. I'll aim for his nuts.
You're done, playboy.
Captain.
You wouldn't kill your own father,
would you?
We don't have a father.
No. Lower those guns, no one needs to die.
Yeah, lower those guns.
Why all the violence?
How do I aim?
Ouch, right in Papa's butt.
She hit his third eye.
I told you you'd be a great captain.
My Mariá, queen of the cangaço.
I wanna spend
the rest of my life with her.
Which will probably amount
to the next two minutes, if I'm lucky.
Come here.
Captain.
If you want revenge, take it out on me.
I admit having two Lampiões
was a stupid idea.
Now, Captain,
if you're gonna stick that dagger
through my collarbone,
please do it gently
because it makes me nauseous.
You're a good captain.
You worry about your men.
I'll let you live.
One day you'll be useful to me.
-Thank you for your kindness.
-Let's go, men!
Finally.
What a brutish man.
This real Lampião gives me the creeps.
I…
I prefer my phony Lampião.
This is the cangaço
I've always dreamed about.
Wait, someone is coming.
-Look who's still kicking.
-Rufino.
Rufino, how's this possible?
Weren't you dead?
My little medal.
It's dented now,
but it saved me from the bullet.
That medal protects cangaceiros.
So, from now on,
you're part of our gang, Rufino.
After all that,
I can't wait to get to Gia's Hole,
lay my head over a rock,
and take a good nap.
Now that it's over, I have a question.
The place you're from, is it like here?
Yes, it's identical.
Said no one ever.
We have gossiping hens like Zulmira there,
but we call them WhatsApp.
We have salesmen like Agripino,
called vendors.
Our storytellers are called news anchors.
There are Brothers, but we call--
-And what do you call the Escandalosas?
-Hoes.
-How do you call the police, Captain?
-Dialing 911.
-What about thugs?
-They show up at election time.
-Are there pretty boys like me?
-Yes, but not as pretty as you.
-And what about types like Colonel?
-Oh, they're everywhere.
What do you call smart people like me?
Geeks.
-What are those?
-Smart people like you.
And smart people like me?
Nerds, but there are none like you.
And what about the cangaço?
My beautiful Mariá,
wherever there's an oppressive colonel,
there will always be
the spirit of justice of your cangaço.
-Captain?
-Call me Virguley, honey.
"Cangaço"?
Took you long enough.
Was there cement on your feet?
You told me I was free
until you decided
how I could be of use, right?
I've decided.
Having two Lampiões to confuse the troops
may be a good strategy.
We call that a franchise.
I just said that
because I thought I could die.
You should keep thinking that.
Come on. I have a job for you.
God help me.
Oh my dear Padre Cícero.
IN MEMORY OF