Trophy Wife s01e07 Episode Script

Au revoir, mes amis! French Club party done.
Bye, Killer Bees.
Great season.
End-of-season soccer party done.
See you later, Tim.
Great party, man.
Great party.
Warren's A.
V.
Club party with his one weird friend Tim done.
I'm so over kid parties.
Well, it's the only kind of parties kids have.
We should throw a party.
Should have a real grown-up party party.
No kids, no exes.
- Jackie's been here way too much.
- You're right.
Last week, I caught her putting goat milk on the shopping list.
- You know what? Let's do it.
- Okay.
Let's have a grown-up party Friday night.
We can do that.
- No, we have Bert Friday night.
- You know what? - I'm gonna turn you on so hard right now.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Jackie, it's Pete.
Hi.
Hey.
Hope you don't mind us doing a little gardening.
Dad, did you know compost is poop? Yeah.
Don't eat it, buddy.
I'm sorry.
I'd garden at my place, but my greenhouse is full of weed weeds.
Can you do me a favor? Can you watch Bert on Friday night? - Kate and I are gonna have a party.
- Oh.
I'd love to.
- Great.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
- That was so hot.
- Yeah.
Hey, Diane.
It's Jackie.
Can you watch Bert on Friday? I just got invited to a party.
Season 1, Episode 7 "The Date" Got it good, got it real good Somewhere where I can belong Ah, great party.
Our friends are totally meshing.
I know.
I know.
Between the hipsters and the lawyers, I can't tell if the polo shirts are ironic or the mustaches are sincere.
Hey, guys.
- It's a great party.
- Definitely one of yours.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, Steve, this is my wife.
- This is Kate.
- Oh.
- Oh, Steve.
- I don't think you guys have met.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Hi.
Pete, you gonna introduce me to your friend here? Uh, yes.
Meg, Steve.
Steve, Meg.
- Hi.
- I like your face.
- Come with me.
- Okay.
That's sad Steve from work? Really? He seems so happy.
"I like your face"? That works? Random hookups sign of a great party, baby.
Gorgeous mustache.
Gonna call you "whiskers" for short.
Excuse me.
- Jackie's here? Jackie? - Uh, sorry.
Jackie, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be watching Bert.
What? Miss a rocking party? Not a chance.
Have you met the Jackster? Plus, I got Diane watching Bert so I could make my specialty.
- Fresh-mango margaritas.
- Fresh-mango margaritas.
He knows.
They're fresh-mango margaritas from my friend Rita's fresh mangos.
So as you can see, the name works on a lot of levels.
Just dump the chips in the sink if you want.
You guys look mad.
Did you just have a fight? You turn it off the same way.
- Oui.
"Today.
" - Aujourd'hui.
- Aujourd'hui.
- Aujourd'hui.
Aujourd'hui.
- Aujourd'hui? D'hui? - D'hui.
D'hui.
- Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo.
D'hui.
- Hui.
Hui.
Hui.
Hui.
Aujourd'hui? Aujourd Oh, I can't tell the difference! Fine.
We'll just put off "today" until tomorrow, which is why we should have learned "tomorrow" yesterday.
You know my motto Never put off yesterday till tomorrow - when you need to learn today.
- Today.
Awesome, awesome.
Okay, let's get a close-up.
- Okay.
- What are you doing with my camera? Oh, we're gonna do an online show where we review gum.
Ah, well, be sure to say it's a filthy habit that decays teeth, weakens the jaw, and causes excessive stomach acid.
You know who could use some gum? - That one.
- Okay, let's move on to math.
Oh, I can't.
I left my book at dad's.
- Hillary.
- I'm sorry.
Okay, I'll just have Kate bring it.
- She's never doing anything.
- True.
Oh, she's very busy.
They're having a grown-up party.
- No kids allowed.
- Then what's Kate doing there? That's a good one.
Oh, burn.
It's comical because she's younger.
- A party, huh? - That's mean.
- I think I'll just go get it.
- Okay.
Hillary's in charge, boys.
What do you mean, Hillary's in charge? She's not the boss of me.
I'm older.
- Yeah, but I'm smarter.
- Oh.
Never gonna get it.
Never gonna get it.
- No way.
No ohh! - Oh! You did it! Why does everybody call you Sad Steve? You're so fun.
People call me Sad Steve? No.
No, I just give everyone nicknames.
Drink up, pathetic Pete.
Keep going.
You got it, got it, got it, got it, got it! Oh, look.
There's jumping Jackie.
- Hey! Sad Steve.
- Oh, boy, it's a thing.
- What is Diane doing here? - Oh.
Hey, girl.
Hair's looking great.
Hey.
Who's watching Bert? - Hillary's watching Bert.
- Oh, fantastic! One fresh-mango Margarita coming right up.
- No, no.
She's not - Don't worry.
I'm not staying.
I just came to get Hillary's math book.
Oh, beer pong.
Ha.
Festive way to spread hep-C.
Oh, lighten up, Diane.
A lot of my cousins have hep-C, and they didn't get it from playing beer pong.
Oh, just what I need a lecture from patient zero.
Well, say cheese.
- Ugh.
Don't tell me what to do.
- Okay.
Found what I need, and I guess I'll be going.
Bye.
Good night, all.
Oh, Sad Steve.
Hi.
I'm Warren.
And I'm Bert Harrison.
- Oh, mom said not to use our last names.
- And I'm Bert.
First up, we have a classic Original flavor bubble yum.
Bert, what do you think? Warren, I think it's yummy.
Bert, well, I'm gonna have to disagree with you and say it's super yummy.
This is your gum show? - Mm.
Pretty cool, right? - Um, no.
You guys need major help.
Okay, make me your executive producer, and I will triple your viewers.
To nine.
Hmm.
Hey, are we saving this leftover guacamole? We didn't make any guacamole.
Oh, God.
This is Meg's scarf.
That's Steve's jacket.
What's her scarf doing in his jacket? I don't know.
Shh.
You "shh.
" - Wow.
- Meg and sad Steve? People having party sex in your office Sign of great party.
I work in there.
Right.
Not cool.
You work in there.
What's happening? Party sex? That's not you and Steve? I don't think so, but I'm pretty drunk.
But you were hitting on him all night.
Oh, that was just to get free legal advice about that shoplifting nonsense.
You turned out to be a bust.
Hey, could you keep it down? 'Cause I'm trying to get laid.
And you're kind of killing the mood with all your whispering.
Cool.
Cool.
Ugh.
I can't believe she had sex in our house.
Mother of God.
What? Ugh.
- Mother of God.
Ugh.
- Okay, that's it.
We're moving.
I'm quitting my job.
Maybe we're just overreacting.
I mean, Steve and Jackie was a freak of nature.
It's like when a tornado comes in, sweeps up a bunch of frogs, and drops them on a town.
His tornado will never drop her frogs again.
Are we the town in this metaphor, or are we socie oh, geez.
What? Someone searched "sex positions, desk.
" - I got to re-scrub.
- Oh, God.
I got to re-scrub.
Re-scrub.
Ugh.
- Mom? - Hmm? You're on Instagram.
- Oh, wonderful.
- What's Instagram? - It's an online community where people - time out.
It's bad.
What on earth is "number drunkmoms"? It's #drunkmoms.
Make it go away.
- I can't.
I didn't upload it.
- Huh? Okay, you seriously need to learn how the Internet works.
I know how ankylostic arthrodesis works.
I don't need to know how the Internet works.
I mean, who's gonna see it, anyway? Um, everybody.
Mwah.
Make it go away.
I can't.
Only Meg can.
I didn't know that drunk could even afford the Internet.
It's free.
Hey.
- Hi.
Do we need to talk about - Nope.
Nope.
Great.
Okay, cool.
You know, but, um, just, you know You know, would it would it be Would it be weird? Yeah.
That's I was yeah.
I felt that.
You know, she's your ex, and you're my boss and Yeah.
Yeah, so that's no, it makes sense.
Okay.
All right, I'll see ya.
You know, it's just I've been, um Sort of single, you know, and single for quite a while.
Um, I was just hoping, but you know what? Now that the more I say it, the more it's just weird.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You're better than this.
Come on.
You're a man.
Well, see ya.
It's just I'm sorry, Pete.
It's just I just need to say, I just I was just hoping, you know, she was someone I could spend more time with.
I don't know.
I've accrued and I have no one to share them with.
I was just hoping I could, you know, whisk her away, You know, for I don't know For, you know, long periods of time, I guess.
You know what? On second thought, you should call her.
Hi, Kate.
Fun party.
"Fun party"? That's all you have to say? Well, I'm not gonna say it's a fantastic party, 'cause fantastic parties have piñatas.
How about an apology for crashing our party and hooking up in our house? Come on.
It was just in Pete's office.
You know, we kept it mainly on the on the desk.
Ah, Jackie stop, okay? That's enough.
That's enough.
You're always here, and and I know way too much about your life right now.
Did you know that Steve asked me out again? - He did? - Yeah.
So what do you think, sister? Should I see him again? I think that's a terrible idea for so many reasons.
Yeah, I know.
I totally agree.
Um, can you list all of them? Pete is Steve's boss.
Pete is your ex-husband.
It was a random, one-time party thing with a guy whose nickname contains the word "sad.
" Yeah, okay.
I totally agree.
Yeah.
Pfft.
I'm just gonna blow him off.
I mean, ew, right? Oh, look.
There's my bra.
Oh, good.
Contaminating our pool.
Hey, babe.
So, um, great news.
I just spoke to Jackie, and I convinced her not to see Steve again.
Also, she found her bra in our pool.
That's great news about the bra, but you have to un-convince her.
We need them to get together.
- What? Why? - Because he's our way out.
He wants to get serious and take her on long trips, possibly to other countries.
Other countries? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.
She could get lost in a bazaar or live on a kibbutz.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, I'm on it.
Hey, your, uh, pool filter kind of stretched out my bra, and hate to charge you for it.
So Just give me one of yours? Yeah.
Of course, Jackie.
And, you know, now that I think of it, I mean, you and Sad Steve would really make a great couple.
Oh, I don't know.
What you said out there really resonated with me.
N-no, no, no.
But, uh, I mean, think about it.
You know, he's a successful lawyer, and you are An entrepreneur.
- Slash inventor.
- Slash inventor.
And he has this dynamic personality, and you are you.
- Well - And not to be understated, you guys wear the same color underwear.
I mean, hello? It's a no-brainer.
So Do it.
- I totally agree.
- Yeah.
Ah.
Yeah.
Whew! You really took me for a ride there, arguing both sides like that.
- Yeah.
- You know what? Maybe you should be the lawyer and Pete should be putzing around in short shorts.
Thank you, Jackie.
This gum has notes of peppermint, wintergreen, and a clean sorbitol finish.
I think that will pair nicely with apple juice.
Ah, well, that's an interesting spot to leave off.
We'll see you tomorrow.
But for now, I'm Warren.
And I'm Bert.
And we are "Blow this with Warren and Bert.
" Good night.
And remember keep on chewing.
And we're out.
Guys, that was seriously amazing.
And, Bertie, when you said the tangerine gum was like Florida in your mouth, I almost cried.
- Thanks! - Guys we are blowing up.
Six new comments and statenislandkarl1967 - wants to know if we're single.
- We are! Hey, you know what would really round out this show? A female correspondent.
I don't really want to futz with the concept, so Oh, well, too bad you're not an executive producer.
- These aren't that short.
- Well, agree to disagree.
What are you still doing here? Well, sometimes my confidence, it it ebbs and it flows, and right now it's in an ebb, and I don't think I can go out with Steve.
I mean, what if he doesn't like me when he gets to know me? He seemed to like you okay last night.
Of course he did, Kate.
I'm a freaking sexual dynamo.
Duh.
But, you know, I mean, dating is very different.
You see, you may not know this about me, but - I have some boundary issues.
- Oh.
Ooh, is that new? That's so pretty.
So soft.
Okay, okay.
Jackie, um, let's sit down.
You could be a great date.
I just think that sometimes you need to learn to to pull it back.
A little.
- Ooh, pull it back? - Yeah, yeah.
Or a lot, and sometimes maybe just don't share so much.
- Mm-hmm.
- Or at all.
And be coy.
Guys love mystery.
Okay, see, mystery's too mysterious for me, because I am an open book.
Page one mommy issues.
Page two grandma issues.
Page three conflicted pescatarian.
Okay, listen.
Let's just keep with the classics, then.
Okay.
You know? A little hair flip and a little sexy eyes.
Like a - Oh, yeah.
- Now you try.
Oh, okay.
- Or just the hair flip.
- You know what? I'll find it in the moment.
No.
There you go.
You got a heart like a stone I better leave, leave you alone Oh, hey.
What up, doc? You want a drink? There's not enough Purell in the world.
I'm here to ask you to take down that juvenile picture you put of me on "Instantgram.
" Oh, no.
It's funny, and I've gotten like 50 likes.
Wow.
Uh, major L.
O.
L.
situation.
Okay, I get it.
You think you're better than me because you're a dentist.
I'm an orthopedic surgeon, Meg.
Play me for it.
Beer pong.
You and me.
That is absurd.
Is that how you and these other hobos settle your disputes? Hmm.
Sounds to me like you're afraid I'll win.
You're on.
One rerack.
No fixing, no blowing, no squatting.
On-table rollbacks and death cup okay, but no iso cup, and bouncing is for bitches.
- Hi.
- How did we do? We get Jackie out of our hair, into Steve's Corvette? In a way.
Guess who's going to dinner with Jackie and Steve tonight.
Yay! You two.
She means you guys.
Ooh! I love you in a flat front.
- No, no.
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
- Oh, boundaries.
- Huh? - Boundaries, Jackie.
Oh, see? I'm so bad, - I don't even know it's wrong.
- It's wrong.
All right.
Sorry.
I'm just I'm very nervous, okay? How do I look? How do I look? Be honest.
How do I look? You look great.
You sound crazy.
Oh, you're just saying that.
Ooh, mirror.
- I really hope this works out.
- Yeah.
Maybe they'll run off together and never come back.
It would scar Bert for life, but we'd never have to lock the doors again.
Bert could get therapy.
Any bats in the cave? He's here.
He's here.
He's here! - He's here.
Steve's here.
- Yeah, we know.
It's a restaurant, not a radio play.
Okay.
You'll be great.
Just remember coy, mysterious.
- Okay? - Yeah, I will.
Okay.
What's up, buddy? Hey, good to see you.
- Oh, we're hugging? Okay.
- Yeah, it felt right.
Hey.
- How are you? Nice to see you.
- Hi, hi.
Yeah, nice to Hi, Jackie.
You look so lovely.
- I just - Hmm.
Hmm.
Uh, have you all ordered drinks? Oh, well Wouldn't you like to know? Kind of why I asked.
- Hmm? Mm.
- Jackie, maybe not so coy.
- Uh Uh, hey, funny story.
- Okay.
Actually, we have ordered drinks and it was wrong of me to keep it from you and I should have told you right away when you walked in and you asked.
- Hmm.
- Okay? Oh, not the eyes.
Not the eyes.
You know what? I need a a drink.
- So - Uh You, know the the Jackie.
- Should we order a - Can you excuse me for a second? - I'll be I'll be right back.
- We'll wait.
So, you a Bread guy? I could do a roll, maybe.
No! Damn it! Lucky shot.
Miss.
Miss.
Miss it! Hey, hey, baby, don't you know My mind's finishing Can you feel that beat take away the heat Of another backbreaking workday? My blood is pumping so fast Don't know how long it can last Hey, hey Hey-hey-hey, hey, hey - I win! - Damn it.
Oh, how do you like me now? 'Cause in the end it's the same I'm still a weekend warrior I win.
Coming up, gum in your stomach Dangerous or no big deal? We're not gonna use this, right? I don't even have the camera on.
Doing great.
Jackie? What are you doing? Oh, I rethinking this blouse? Why did you run out like that? Oh, you saw me.
I was I was a disaster.
I cannot be coy.
I just drive everybody crazy.
- You don't drive me crazy.
- Oh, right.
Yeah, you wanted me to get lost at a bazaar.
Oh, 'cause I was eavesdropping on your phone call.
See? I don't have boundaries.
You said it yourself.
I just I'm too much.
Yeah.
You're you're too much for me, but you're not dating me.
No way.
I mean, you are married to my ex-husband.
- That's too much baggage.
- Okay, listen.
I'm overwhelmed sometimes by too much Jackie, but there's a sweet guy in there who wants all the Jackie you have to offer.
- You really think so? - Yeah, I do.
Even though I'm weird? Oh, you're So much more than weird.
- Is this gonna leave a scar? - That depends.
Are you ever gonna post pictures of me or my children on the Internet? No.
- I'm sorry.
What was that? - No, ma'am.
Okay.
Then no scar.
Sí.
Let's play again for money.
- Oh.
- All right.
Jackie.
Hey, I thought you left.
Oh, no, silly.
I was just feeding my meter.
You park on the street, too? Yeah.
Oh, God.
Let's order.
Yeah.
Okay, guys, I think, uh I-I think I think I can take it from here.
Go.
Why don't you take this bread and roll? You're a "rye-ot.
" Challah! Can't get out of here fast enough.
Bye.
Nothing ventured, nothing grained, right? Well Here goes muffin.
Wait.
What? How is the bread here? - I don't know.
I'm gluten-free.
- Oh.
Here's the, uh, fracking report.
Turns out it's worse than we thought.
Take a look and then, uh, shred it.
- Boy, we're gonna rot in hell.
- Yeah.
Least it's helping with the corvette payments, right? Yeah.
You got that right.
Yeah.
I don't want it be weird, so I'll just scoot.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
- Oh, really? Just say it.
- Ho you ask a woman not to wax? - Don't do that.
Walk away.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Just walk away.
- Okay.
Don't talk to her! - Okay.
- Walk away.