Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s01e07 Episode Script
Kimmy Goes to a Party!
1 Titus, what are we doing here? This place is way too fancy.
Look at how tiny the cups are.
Kimmillionaire, you said you wanted to do something fun and New-Yorky before your boss got back.
Since The Queen Latifah Show has a lifetime ban on me, we're doing this.
But it's so expensive.
Enoisea tea mashsheato is $12? It's not about the money.
If I've learned anything from this city, it's this.
Act you belong and the world's your oyster.
Oh, gross.
Can't the world be my noodles and butter? They're on their way over.
Just follow my lead.
Hello? I'm sorry, uh, the tables are for paying customers only, so Gaston! I'm so sorry.
Take all the time you need.
Sir, madam.
Ooh, madam? You stay here.
I'm gonna fill this up with fancy liquid soap.
Beyoncé.
Ripped By mstoll That's gonna be, uh You know, uh, a fascinating transition.
Put Walt Disney's head on the phone.
Then wake it up! Julian Rommel Voorhees.
Jacqueline? What are you doing in Beijing? I've been here for two weeks, waiting for you to get back from wherever you got that tan.
My tan? I was out on an investor's boat doing some whale dynamiting.
Did you fly 7000 miles just to accost me? Hey.
Eyes up here.
You don't get these feet.
You're withholding the twins? Feet are for good boys.
Not for liars and cheaters.
Oh, for God's sake.
Is that what this is about? You think I'm having an affair? You've done it before.
With you.
And that was different.
My first wife Turned 50, I know.
And I would never do that to you.
So, what's the problem, Jacqueline? What's the problem? You haven't been home in months.
I had to photoshop you into this year's Christmas card.
Well, I'm heading back to New York now, but I apologize for working so hard.
I guess I could make less money.
Leave the money out of this.
It's not the money's fault.
And whom exactly am I supposed to be having this affair with? Am I sleeping with my assistant? Fat Rhonda? Of course not.
Hey, I get mine.
It's all about that bass.
You know what Dr.
Goodman would say to you now? That I need to talk to the Shame Puppet.
And what would the Shame Puppet say? You're just being paranoid.
Ha, ha! Walt, how you doing? Hey, Kimmy.
1996 called.
It wants its clothes back.
Hey, Xan, 2090 called.
You're dead and you wasted your time on Earth.
Dad, you're back.
Did Grandma die? Can I have her jewelry? No, grootmoeder is fine.
Now, come here.
You're not too big to give your father a firm, businesslike handshake.
You're looking well.
Always a pleasure.
Kimmy, the elevator? Jacqueline, the refrigerator.
What are we doing? Do you think I'm paranoid? No.
Vera says stuff about you behind your back.
Sometimes she does this thing where she's all, "Where's my husband?" No, I'm talking about Julian.
Oh, right.
What happened in China? Was everything upside-down there? Nothing happened.
He just denied everything.
I might as well have been Congress.
Maybe I am crazy.
No, Mrs.
Voorhees.
Listen to your gut.
I don't have a gut, you mother No, your women's intuition.
You know something's wrong.
If he's not gonna admit he's having an affair I'll have to catch him red-handed.
His hands will be red because No, thank you.
My grandmother's birthday, January 2nd, 1934.
One, two, three, four.
Great pin, Titus.
Check balance.
Hmm Ahem.
Other amount.
Accept.
Negative $1? Damn it.
Julian took a call in his office.
I heard him laughing, through the door.
I just wish I knew who he was talking to.
Maybe Gallagher? Listening on my husband's calls would be crazy.
Which is why I'm not going to do it.
Okay, he's either talking to a fancy child, a man with a high-pitched voice or a normal woman.
Yuko, you can't keep me waiting that long.
You want to see Yuko tonight? But where can we meet? The office? No, no, no, I wanna do it at my house.
I'll host a dinner party as a cover, then afterwards, Yuko can put on a little show for me.
I have been working on some new tricks since Tokyo.
I think Yuko might be Italian.
Goodbye, Voorhees-san.
What are you doing? You have proof now.
Get up there and give him heck for fudge's sake.
Proof? I don't have anything, Kimmy.
Except her name and where I can catch them.
Tonight, at our dinner party.
Mister Murdey Murdery-Pardo Murder Mystery Party.
I'll invite Julian's colleagues.
All of our very best friends.
I'll be the perfect hostess.
Right until I humiliate him in front of everyone.
Oh, snap, boy! Yo! MTV Raps.
Coming up, a video by Naughty by Nature.
But first, this jam by Wreckx-N-Effect.
I'm Bill Bellamy, peace! Call the caterers and the florist.
Arrange for music.
Then find something special to wear.
Special like that T-shirt at the mall? They shot it out of a cannon.
And before dinner, I need you to go to the drugstore and buy some talcum powder.
For what? Is talcum powder part of your plan? I'm sorry, what? Oh, yes, it is.
It sure is.
Titus, do you know any old white people songs? Girl, I'm from Mississippi.
When the Confederate flag is part of the state flag, you learn Caucasian culture.
I also know a lot about golf and World War II.
Well, I'm in charge of planning a party for Jacqueline.
Which means I get to hire the musical entertainment.
You want me to sing? For money? Yep.
Kimmy, I've sung for alcohol and for pizza, more than once to get my shoes back, but I've never sung for money before.
I bet I can still fit into my tuxedo from my wedding They sure are.
But what am I gonna wear? This party is super fancy.
And these pants we found stuffed in the mailbox say "fancy" on the butt.
I knew this day would come.
I must make you over.
It is the pact between my kind and yours.
And in exchange, you buy us brunch sometimes.
You will be buying me brunch.
I feel like Cinderella.
And the birds and mice are helping.
What are you doing here? Mrs.
Voorhees invited me to the party.
She didn't invite you.
You work for us.
So don't act like you belong here.
Uh, Xan says what? What? Thought so.
Mm.
Okay.
Oh, good, you're here.
Shut the doors.
Kimmy, you'll notice, I've seated Julian directly across from Yuko.
And have I mentioned to you my husband's fondness for feet? And how he likes to - Gasm.
With Yuko right across from him, Julian won't be able to resist a little toe play.
And that's where the talcum powder comes in.
When we all sit down for dinner, they'll have no idea the powder is even there when they go to town on each other.
Then after dinner, when they stand up in front of everyone Mrs.
Voorhees, you did it.
I won't even have to say a word.
What was that about my hair? Get me a glass of champagne.
I need to look casual.
I feel like I'm on Bravo.
That channel still shows operas, right? Why me? Well, look at you, all fancy.
Sir, would you bring my car around? I don't think I can do this, Kimmy.
This is a real gig.
I don't have training.
Who's gonna come to this party? Fancy Manhattanoes? They're gonna realize my cummerbund is a piece of tire.
Titus.
What did you say to me? If you wanna get by in this city, you have to act like you belong, right? That is how I was briefly Gordon on Sesame Street.
Okay.
Champagne please, no ice.
Well, did it again.
Early to one of these things because I keep my watch set to Bermuda time.
What's your excuse? Oh, no, actually I Your champagne, madam.
Actually, my assistant put the wrong time in my PalmPilot.
Ha-ha-ha.
I'm Logan, by the way.
As am I.
Kimberly.
Charmed.
Charmed.
Julian, welcome back.
You look dark enough to be president.
Oh, Ashton, you are a delight.
So did you two enjoy Hale Moekolohe? The resort in Maui? We didn't The pen.
Last time I saw one of those was in an x-ray.
Well, it was, um It was supposed to be a surprise, dear, but, um Yeah, I was there weeks ago to check it out.
I was thinking about renting out the whole place for our anniversary.
Me and my surgically enlarged mouth.
Oh, Julian.
I don't deserve you.
I remembered, Ashton, you eat fish heads.
I should go tell the chef.
Kimmy, I'm adding a seat for you at the table.
After Julian and Yuko are exposed, I need someone to say: "With her? Over Jacqueline?" Okay.
Got it.
Julian.
Okay, that line may change.
Ooh.
Thirsty, are we? Oh.
So how is Broadway treating you? Standing O's every night.
Because of my back.
But to answer your question, We're packing them in, and the reviews have been kind.
Mm.
Love your perfume.
What is that? Oh, it's Italian.
Would you excuse me, Logan? I have to use the filth bucket.
The powder room.
Of course, yeah.
Titus, I'm Cinderella-ing.
And I'm A Star Is Born- sing.
There's a Broadway producer here.
I thought my break would be from pushing Ben Vereen down, but this is even better.
No.
Gelula! I've been watching you, Kimmy.
I know.
That's why I picked my nose earlier.
To gross you out.
You're burnt.
I know what you're trying to do here.
Wearing clothes you can't afford, scamming your way into this party, flirting with Logan Beekman I haven't even started to flirt, Xan.
Just wait till a little fella called Mr.
Tongue comes out to play.
You think I'm gonna let you use my family to live out some gold-digger fairy tale? Wait, what? I'm just having fun.
People like me and Logan Beekman, we see right through people like you.
Enjoy your fun while you can.
Because it's gonna end, I promise.
Hey, Xan.
What? What? Jinx! I would like to propose a toast Stand up! Okay.
First, I'd like to thank everybody for coming.
- It's not possible.
- But I have a confession to make.
This dinner party was a bit of a ruse to get you all here tonight With her? Over Jacqueline? As many of you know, my company, Rapier Private Equity, is teaming up with the brilliant Isaye Watanabe to bring a technology to the market that will change the face of health care, the service industry, and one day, I truly believe, prostitution.
Ladies and gentlemen, raise a glass to Yuko 3000.
Hello, my new friends.
My name is Yuko.
I can dance for you.
Your place card says Yuko.
Why didn't you say anything? Because your husband told me you are crazy.
I love all of you.
And then the man says, "Hello, ladies.
" So good news, right? It's just a robot.
Yes.
Just a robot.
Origami.
Wow.
Look at that.
Look at that.
A Scotch, neat, for Mr.
Voor A Scotch, neat, for Mr.
Voorhees.
Well, thank you, Yuko.
Tell me, by any chance, are you single? Just a robot.
What's keeping my husband away, destroying my marriage, driving me insane.
Sweetheart.
Yuko is wonderful! Why do robots keep getting in the way of my dreams? Hey, there you are.
Just coming down the stairs.
As one does when descending is on the menu.
Look, my friends and I renovated this 1950s sludge tank in Brooklyn, turned it into a pretty cool grappa lounge.
Do you wanna swing by with me? Oh, I'm sorry, I I can't Come on, this party's dead.
Come with me.
She can't, Logan, because she works here.
She's like our slave.
I'm Xan.
We rode together in a golf cart at the Maidstone when I was, like, 8? You let me steer? I'm Xan.
Sorry, you work here? So your grandfather didn't invent the limousine.
And I'm guessing your last name actually isn't Von Lobster.
Heh.
Oh, my God, Logan, did you think she was a guest? That's so funny.
Unbelievable.
Well, guess I should've known better.
I should get back to work.
Xanthippe.
Mr.
Beeker.
I'm, like, a sophomore now.
Hello, Mrs.
Voorhees.
You look very 43.
75 years old.
Mr.
Voorhees requested a late night snack.
He asked you? Why wouldn't he ask his wife to go wake up Vera? Activating shrug mode.
I was like you once.
You were built by children? I was shiny and pretty and new.
I made Julian laugh and he showed me off to all of his friends, and spent all of his time with me.
So take a good look.
Because this is your future.
Drinking cayenne weight loss water while someone cooks for your husband.
I am sorry.
Would you like to cook for Mr.
Voorhees? Although I am now accessing a 2005 Hamptons Magazine article in which you state, quote, "I only cook in the bedroom.
" You little bitch! Oh, my God.
What have I done? You did exactly what you had to do.
Aah! That thing was gonna ruin both our lives.
We cannot compete with it.
We have to get rid of the body.
That's deep enough.
Get her head.
What are you doing, friends? I am still alive.
Shh.
It's okay, it's over.
The stars, so beautiful.
Titus, I heard your lovely singing.
Never let go of your dream.
Fight for it.
It is not too late.
You having second thoughts, pal? Because I got room here for both of you.
Go now.
What the living hell are you doing? Yuko ran away! Wait! Wait! Ow! Unh! You can't leave! Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Please, I'm an actor.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
You're the singer from the party.
You're scary, you can sing, you're perfect.
I've got just the role for you at my restaurant.
Restaurant? I thought you were a Broadway producer.
I'm a producer of dining experiences.
"Professor Dracula's Spooky Laboratory and Bar and Grill?" Is this like a theme restaurant? It's not like a theme restaurant.
It is a theme restaurant.
Where our musical waiters bring to life the world's gruesome monsters while serving tasty apps and signature cocktails.
Like monster-ella sticks and scary wine.
So you want me to be a singing waiter? Do I? Ooh I'm singing on Broadway! On Broadway! Rebooting.
Retrieving lost memory files.
I now understand anger.
Goodbye, Kimberly Tiara Von Lobster.
Good morning.
Mr.
Beeker.
This is where I work.
This is what a kitchen looks like.
This is a stove.
This is a kimmysadork.
Did Xan tell you that? Dang it.
Also, Beeker's not my last name.
I'm not a Muppet scientist.
Bunsen Honeydew's the scientist.
Beeker's just his assistant.
Be that as it may, you called me Beeker last night too, and I realized you don't know who I am.
Not that you should.
It's just most people do.
Larry Borchler.
Logan Beekman.
Beekman Park? The Beekman Library? The Beekman Institute for Art that Actually Looks Like Something? If you weren't trying to get close to my family, why did you lie? I was just trying to act like I belonged.
I don't know how to talk to a millionaire.
Wow.
You really haven't heard of my family.
Beekman Place? The Beekman Factory Fire? Beekman's Disease? I don't care who you are.
Sorry.
It's just a lot of people try to take advantage of me because of who my daddy is.
Look, I don't care who you are either.
And I don't care that you're working here.
So can we just start again? Yes.
Okay.
Initiating Revenge Program.
Dr.
Goodman, thank you so much for seeing us on such short notice.
I need help.
I keep dumping my insecurities on Julian.
She was acting like a real first wife last night.
Yes, I was.
I'm just glad you called, Jacqueline.
Because if you're going to fight, fight right.
So let's get started.
Jacqueline, why don't you tell the Shame Puppet what you did? Where did you get that pen? Oh.
Um At this resort I went to last week? In Maui.
Right.
You do look awfully tan.
Doesn't she, Julian? I don't know.
I haven't, uh, looked at her yet.
I don't know what brought you here today, but if it's about infidelity, I would have to say, as your therapist, to just be cool about it.
Damn it, Barbara.
Talk to the Shame Puppet, Julian.
She's not crazy, is she? You stupid mother Ripped By mstoll
Look at how tiny the cups are.
Kimmillionaire, you said you wanted to do something fun and New-Yorky before your boss got back.
Since The Queen Latifah Show has a lifetime ban on me, we're doing this.
But it's so expensive.
Enoisea tea mashsheato is $12? It's not about the money.
If I've learned anything from this city, it's this.
Act you belong and the world's your oyster.
Oh, gross.
Can't the world be my noodles and butter? They're on their way over.
Just follow my lead.
Hello? I'm sorry, uh, the tables are for paying customers only, so Gaston! I'm so sorry.
Take all the time you need.
Sir, madam.
Ooh, madam? You stay here.
I'm gonna fill this up with fancy liquid soap.
Beyoncé.
Ripped By mstoll That's gonna be, uh You know, uh, a fascinating transition.
Put Walt Disney's head on the phone.
Then wake it up! Julian Rommel Voorhees.
Jacqueline? What are you doing in Beijing? I've been here for two weeks, waiting for you to get back from wherever you got that tan.
My tan? I was out on an investor's boat doing some whale dynamiting.
Did you fly 7000 miles just to accost me? Hey.
Eyes up here.
You don't get these feet.
You're withholding the twins? Feet are for good boys.
Not for liars and cheaters.
Oh, for God's sake.
Is that what this is about? You think I'm having an affair? You've done it before.
With you.
And that was different.
My first wife Turned 50, I know.
And I would never do that to you.
So, what's the problem, Jacqueline? What's the problem? You haven't been home in months.
I had to photoshop you into this year's Christmas card.
Well, I'm heading back to New York now, but I apologize for working so hard.
I guess I could make less money.
Leave the money out of this.
It's not the money's fault.
And whom exactly am I supposed to be having this affair with? Am I sleeping with my assistant? Fat Rhonda? Of course not.
Hey, I get mine.
It's all about that bass.
You know what Dr.
Goodman would say to you now? That I need to talk to the Shame Puppet.
And what would the Shame Puppet say? You're just being paranoid.
Ha, ha! Walt, how you doing? Hey, Kimmy.
1996 called.
It wants its clothes back.
Hey, Xan, 2090 called.
You're dead and you wasted your time on Earth.
Dad, you're back.
Did Grandma die? Can I have her jewelry? No, grootmoeder is fine.
Now, come here.
You're not too big to give your father a firm, businesslike handshake.
You're looking well.
Always a pleasure.
Kimmy, the elevator? Jacqueline, the refrigerator.
What are we doing? Do you think I'm paranoid? No.
Vera says stuff about you behind your back.
Sometimes she does this thing where she's all, "Where's my husband?" No, I'm talking about Julian.
Oh, right.
What happened in China? Was everything upside-down there? Nothing happened.
He just denied everything.
I might as well have been Congress.
Maybe I am crazy.
No, Mrs.
Voorhees.
Listen to your gut.
I don't have a gut, you mother No, your women's intuition.
You know something's wrong.
If he's not gonna admit he's having an affair I'll have to catch him red-handed.
His hands will be red because No, thank you.
My grandmother's birthday, January 2nd, 1934.
One, two, three, four.
Great pin, Titus.
Check balance.
Hmm Ahem.
Other amount.
Accept.
Negative $1? Damn it.
Julian took a call in his office.
I heard him laughing, through the door.
I just wish I knew who he was talking to.
Maybe Gallagher? Listening on my husband's calls would be crazy.
Which is why I'm not going to do it.
Okay, he's either talking to a fancy child, a man with a high-pitched voice or a normal woman.
Yuko, you can't keep me waiting that long.
You want to see Yuko tonight? But where can we meet? The office? No, no, no, I wanna do it at my house.
I'll host a dinner party as a cover, then afterwards, Yuko can put on a little show for me.
I have been working on some new tricks since Tokyo.
I think Yuko might be Italian.
Goodbye, Voorhees-san.
What are you doing? You have proof now.
Get up there and give him heck for fudge's sake.
Proof? I don't have anything, Kimmy.
Except her name and where I can catch them.
Tonight, at our dinner party.
Mister Murdey Murdery-Pardo Murder Mystery Party.
I'll invite Julian's colleagues.
All of our very best friends.
I'll be the perfect hostess.
Right until I humiliate him in front of everyone.
Oh, snap, boy! Yo! MTV Raps.
Coming up, a video by Naughty by Nature.
But first, this jam by Wreckx-N-Effect.
I'm Bill Bellamy, peace! Call the caterers and the florist.
Arrange for music.
Then find something special to wear.
Special like that T-shirt at the mall? They shot it out of a cannon.
And before dinner, I need you to go to the drugstore and buy some talcum powder.
For what? Is talcum powder part of your plan? I'm sorry, what? Oh, yes, it is.
It sure is.
Titus, do you know any old white people songs? Girl, I'm from Mississippi.
When the Confederate flag is part of the state flag, you learn Caucasian culture.
I also know a lot about golf and World War II.
Well, I'm in charge of planning a party for Jacqueline.
Which means I get to hire the musical entertainment.
You want me to sing? For money? Yep.
Kimmy, I've sung for alcohol and for pizza, more than once to get my shoes back, but I've never sung for money before.
I bet I can still fit into my tuxedo from my wedding They sure are.
But what am I gonna wear? This party is super fancy.
And these pants we found stuffed in the mailbox say "fancy" on the butt.
I knew this day would come.
I must make you over.
It is the pact between my kind and yours.
And in exchange, you buy us brunch sometimes.
You will be buying me brunch.
I feel like Cinderella.
And the birds and mice are helping.
What are you doing here? Mrs.
Voorhees invited me to the party.
She didn't invite you.
You work for us.
So don't act like you belong here.
Uh, Xan says what? What? Thought so.
Mm.
Okay.
Oh, good, you're here.
Shut the doors.
Kimmy, you'll notice, I've seated Julian directly across from Yuko.
And have I mentioned to you my husband's fondness for feet? And how he likes to - Gasm.
With Yuko right across from him, Julian won't be able to resist a little toe play.
And that's where the talcum powder comes in.
When we all sit down for dinner, they'll have no idea the powder is even there when they go to town on each other.
Then after dinner, when they stand up in front of everyone Mrs.
Voorhees, you did it.
I won't even have to say a word.
What was that about my hair? Get me a glass of champagne.
I need to look casual.
I feel like I'm on Bravo.
That channel still shows operas, right? Why me? Well, look at you, all fancy.
Sir, would you bring my car around? I don't think I can do this, Kimmy.
This is a real gig.
I don't have training.
Who's gonna come to this party? Fancy Manhattanoes? They're gonna realize my cummerbund is a piece of tire.
Titus.
What did you say to me? If you wanna get by in this city, you have to act like you belong, right? That is how I was briefly Gordon on Sesame Street.
Okay.
Champagne please, no ice.
Well, did it again.
Early to one of these things because I keep my watch set to Bermuda time.
What's your excuse? Oh, no, actually I Your champagne, madam.
Actually, my assistant put the wrong time in my PalmPilot.
Ha-ha-ha.
I'm Logan, by the way.
As am I.
Kimberly.
Charmed.
Charmed.
Julian, welcome back.
You look dark enough to be president.
Oh, Ashton, you are a delight.
So did you two enjoy Hale Moekolohe? The resort in Maui? We didn't The pen.
Last time I saw one of those was in an x-ray.
Well, it was, um It was supposed to be a surprise, dear, but, um Yeah, I was there weeks ago to check it out.
I was thinking about renting out the whole place for our anniversary.
Me and my surgically enlarged mouth.
Oh, Julian.
I don't deserve you.
I remembered, Ashton, you eat fish heads.
I should go tell the chef.
Kimmy, I'm adding a seat for you at the table.
After Julian and Yuko are exposed, I need someone to say: "With her? Over Jacqueline?" Okay.
Got it.
Julian.
Okay, that line may change.
Ooh.
Thirsty, are we? Oh.
So how is Broadway treating you? Standing O's every night.
Because of my back.
But to answer your question, We're packing them in, and the reviews have been kind.
Mm.
Love your perfume.
What is that? Oh, it's Italian.
Would you excuse me, Logan? I have to use the filth bucket.
The powder room.
Of course, yeah.
Titus, I'm Cinderella-ing.
And I'm A Star Is Born- sing.
There's a Broadway producer here.
I thought my break would be from pushing Ben Vereen down, but this is even better.
No.
Gelula! I've been watching you, Kimmy.
I know.
That's why I picked my nose earlier.
To gross you out.
You're burnt.
I know what you're trying to do here.
Wearing clothes you can't afford, scamming your way into this party, flirting with Logan Beekman I haven't even started to flirt, Xan.
Just wait till a little fella called Mr.
Tongue comes out to play.
You think I'm gonna let you use my family to live out some gold-digger fairy tale? Wait, what? I'm just having fun.
People like me and Logan Beekman, we see right through people like you.
Enjoy your fun while you can.
Because it's gonna end, I promise.
Hey, Xan.
What? What? Jinx! I would like to propose a toast Stand up! Okay.
First, I'd like to thank everybody for coming.
- It's not possible.
- But I have a confession to make.
This dinner party was a bit of a ruse to get you all here tonight With her? Over Jacqueline? As many of you know, my company, Rapier Private Equity, is teaming up with the brilliant Isaye Watanabe to bring a technology to the market that will change the face of health care, the service industry, and one day, I truly believe, prostitution.
Ladies and gentlemen, raise a glass to Yuko 3000.
Hello, my new friends.
My name is Yuko.
I can dance for you.
Your place card says Yuko.
Why didn't you say anything? Because your husband told me you are crazy.
I love all of you.
And then the man says, "Hello, ladies.
" So good news, right? It's just a robot.
Yes.
Just a robot.
Origami.
Wow.
Look at that.
Look at that.
A Scotch, neat, for Mr.
Voor A Scotch, neat, for Mr.
Voorhees.
Well, thank you, Yuko.
Tell me, by any chance, are you single? Just a robot.
What's keeping my husband away, destroying my marriage, driving me insane.
Sweetheart.
Yuko is wonderful! Why do robots keep getting in the way of my dreams? Hey, there you are.
Just coming down the stairs.
As one does when descending is on the menu.
Look, my friends and I renovated this 1950s sludge tank in Brooklyn, turned it into a pretty cool grappa lounge.
Do you wanna swing by with me? Oh, I'm sorry, I I can't Come on, this party's dead.
Come with me.
She can't, Logan, because she works here.
She's like our slave.
I'm Xan.
We rode together in a golf cart at the Maidstone when I was, like, 8? You let me steer? I'm Xan.
Sorry, you work here? So your grandfather didn't invent the limousine.
And I'm guessing your last name actually isn't Von Lobster.
Heh.
Oh, my God, Logan, did you think she was a guest? That's so funny.
Unbelievable.
Well, guess I should've known better.
I should get back to work.
Xanthippe.
Mr.
Beeker.
I'm, like, a sophomore now.
Hello, Mrs.
Voorhees.
You look very 43.
75 years old.
Mr.
Voorhees requested a late night snack.
He asked you? Why wouldn't he ask his wife to go wake up Vera? Activating shrug mode.
I was like you once.
You were built by children? I was shiny and pretty and new.
I made Julian laugh and he showed me off to all of his friends, and spent all of his time with me.
So take a good look.
Because this is your future.
Drinking cayenne weight loss water while someone cooks for your husband.
I am sorry.
Would you like to cook for Mr.
Voorhees? Although I am now accessing a 2005 Hamptons Magazine article in which you state, quote, "I only cook in the bedroom.
" You little bitch! Oh, my God.
What have I done? You did exactly what you had to do.
Aah! That thing was gonna ruin both our lives.
We cannot compete with it.
We have to get rid of the body.
That's deep enough.
Get her head.
What are you doing, friends? I am still alive.
Shh.
It's okay, it's over.
The stars, so beautiful.
Titus, I heard your lovely singing.
Never let go of your dream.
Fight for it.
It is not too late.
You having second thoughts, pal? Because I got room here for both of you.
Go now.
What the living hell are you doing? Yuko ran away! Wait! Wait! Ow! Unh! You can't leave! Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Please, I'm an actor.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
You're the singer from the party.
You're scary, you can sing, you're perfect.
I've got just the role for you at my restaurant.
Restaurant? I thought you were a Broadway producer.
I'm a producer of dining experiences.
"Professor Dracula's Spooky Laboratory and Bar and Grill?" Is this like a theme restaurant? It's not like a theme restaurant.
It is a theme restaurant.
Where our musical waiters bring to life the world's gruesome monsters while serving tasty apps and signature cocktails.
Like monster-ella sticks and scary wine.
So you want me to be a singing waiter? Do I? Ooh I'm singing on Broadway! On Broadway! Rebooting.
Retrieving lost memory files.
I now understand anger.
Goodbye, Kimberly Tiara Von Lobster.
Good morning.
Mr.
Beeker.
This is where I work.
This is what a kitchen looks like.
This is a stove.
This is a kimmysadork.
Did Xan tell you that? Dang it.
Also, Beeker's not my last name.
I'm not a Muppet scientist.
Bunsen Honeydew's the scientist.
Beeker's just his assistant.
Be that as it may, you called me Beeker last night too, and I realized you don't know who I am.
Not that you should.
It's just most people do.
Larry Borchler.
Logan Beekman.
Beekman Park? The Beekman Library? The Beekman Institute for Art that Actually Looks Like Something? If you weren't trying to get close to my family, why did you lie? I was just trying to act like I belonged.
I don't know how to talk to a millionaire.
Wow.
You really haven't heard of my family.
Beekman Place? The Beekman Factory Fire? Beekman's Disease? I don't care who you are.
Sorry.
It's just a lot of people try to take advantage of me because of who my daddy is.
Look, I don't care who you are either.
And I don't care that you're working here.
So can we just start again? Yes.
Okay.
Initiating Revenge Program.
Dr.
Goodman, thank you so much for seeing us on such short notice.
I need help.
I keep dumping my insecurities on Julian.
She was acting like a real first wife last night.
Yes, I was.
I'm just glad you called, Jacqueline.
Because if you're going to fight, fight right.
So let's get started.
Jacqueline, why don't you tell the Shame Puppet what you did? Where did you get that pen? Oh.
Um At this resort I went to last week? In Maui.
Right.
You do look awfully tan.
Doesn't she, Julian? I don't know.
I haven't, uh, looked at her yet.
I don't know what brought you here today, but if it's about infidelity, I would have to say, as your therapist, to just be cool about it.
Damn it, Barbara.
Talk to the Shame Puppet, Julian.
She's not crazy, is she? You stupid mother Ripped By mstoll