United States of Al (2021) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Hey, Al.
Why don't you use a nail gun? It's easier.
Something is easier than a hammer? Payday.
Dugan.
Thank you.
- Dugan.
- Thank you.
Dugan.
Karimi.
Karimi.
Pretty sure that's you.
No, thank you.
You already pay me - by providing me with a home.
- What? No, you got to get paid.
I feel like I should be paying you for teaching me a new trade.
Lizzie, give him a raise.
Truly, Mr.
Art, I see you as a father, and in Afghanistan, a father never pays his children.
I like it.
Gonna have to get over there some time.
Dad, offer it again.
He just said he doesn't want to get paid.
No, he's refusing three times to be polite.
It's a cultural thing.
Really? Huh.
Oh I insist, buddy.
As you wish.
Hmm.
You really didn't have to pay for all of this.
Where I come from, we always use our first paycheck to treat loved ones to good food.
Okay, now I feel bad about this cereal.
I only picked it 'cause it comes with a yo-yo.
Oh, look at that.
I have been dreaming about a car like that since I was a child.
Way to dream big.
There was a guy in my neighborhood growing up who had a car just like this.
Oh, we thought he was so cool.
In my country, women go crazy over the kind of car you drive.
It's nice to know shallowness is international.
Will you take a picture of me with it? I want to send it to my cousin Zubair.
Sure.
Hmm.
What's going on? Is this your car? Not for long.
- I bought a lottery ticket.
- Ah.
Do American women love this car? - I do all right.
- Ah.
You want to party? You got a better shot with that lottery ticket.
Yeah, he bought a car.
Why would I lie to you, Zubair? Hey, did you buy a car? No, but tell him I did.
Yeah, I'm looking at it right now.
- It's burgundy.
- It's burgundy.
Your camera is broken.
Ah, I'd send you a picture, but my camera's broken.
All right, take care, buddy.
Did he sound jealous? Oh, I thought he was gonna cry.
Oh, I wish I could have heard that.
Hey, you're making good money now.
Why don't you buy a real car? Uh, no, uh, I have other things I need to do with my money.
Like? - Send it home.
- You're already doing that.
Well, I need to do it more.
And I need to contribute to this family, too.
I've noticed most of Lizzie's pants have holes.
Hey, it's okay to treat yourself.
I can't.
Why not? I wouldn't even know where to start.
Well, let's figure it out.
What do you want? Hmm.
My mother has always wanted to go to Mecca.
I want to send her there.
That's what she wants.
What do you want? I want my family to be happy.
Okay.
Just for fun, imagine you don't have a family.
How is that fun? Come on, man.
Haven't you ever bought something just 'cause you wanted it? Hmm.
When I was a little boy, I found some money on the street, so I bought myself a slice of cake with a thick layer of jam in the middle.
Mmm.
I still remember how spongy and delicious it was.
And I bet you enjoyed every bite of it.
I did not eat the whole slice.
I brought the rest home to my family.
I'm not a monster.
All right, that's it.
Come with me.
- Where are we going? - None of your business.
Come on.
I couldn't tell if the wiggly man out front was inviting us in or trying to warn us.
Ooh, I could totally see you in this one.
Cruising down the boulevard, turning ladies' heads.
I could never afford it.
Oh, don't look at the sticker price, that's the sucker price.
You got to grind them down.
- Riley, I know how to negotiate.
- No, I know you do, but buying a car in this country is different.
They got tricks you haven't seen before.
I know all the tricks.
She's a beauty, isn't she? It is the ugliest car I have ever seen.
I wouldn't drive this car if you gave it to me for free.
Well, it's practically free.
Really? Wow.
Ha, we're just looking.
Let me know if I can help.
Uh, well, I I did have a couple questions.
Do you have anything like this in burgundy? Not used.
But the new models come in burgundy.
Beautiful color.
I cannot afford a new car.
You wouldn't think so, but would you be surprised to know that the monthly payments are almost the same? I would be very surprised.
And with repairs and upkeep on a used car, you might be saving money in the long run.
- Anyway, I'll let you guys talk.
- Hmm.
Uh, wait, wait, can we just see it? Only if you promise to take it for a test drive.
What do you think? It's okay.
Try the seat warmer.
Hmm.
My bottom is no warmer than when I woke up this morning.
It takes a minute.
Try the hands-free option.
- What is that? - For long drives, you just set it and the car drives itself.
Seems like a useless feature, but whatever.
Take your hands off the wheel and your foot off the gas.
- Really? - Yeah.
Go ahead.
Bismillah.
What is happening? It is like a ghost is driving the car.
Turn on the radio.
With you You get three months of satellite radio for free.
I do love free.
Once I was in the supermarket and Oh, my God, my bottom is getting warm.
Riley, I have to own this car.
Stay frosty, snowman.
I can't believe she's arguing with her boss to get us a better price.
I hope she doesn't lose her job.
Good news, we got it.
Yay! Should we put your signature on it, make it official? Hold on.
Let me see this.
This is all so crazy to me.
No money down? In Afghanistan, if you try to buy a car without any of the money, they won't give you any of the car.
Well, you are paying for it, you're just paying over time.
Ah.
Mm.
- So, this is the monthly fee? - Mm-hmm.
And the way they got it so low which I had to fight for was they adjusted the APR.
Thank you for fighting for us.
Thank you for fighting for America.
Yeah, this all looks pretty good, uh, but we want the extended warranty.
Unfortunately, that isn't included in the base price.
Mm.
It is if you want to sell us this car.
You are trying to get me in trouble.
I'll be right back.
Dude, that was badass.
What do you mean you got a new car? You said you got a new car yesterday.
That was a lie.
- Here's the car.
- Ooh! Huh? Check it out, Zubair.
How's he gonna get in? - Oh.
Oh.
- He's not holding a key.
- What? - Boom! Is the key in his pocket or is his car just happy to see him? The answer is both.
Where did you get all the money? I just pay a little bit every month.
It is the land of opportunity and small monthly payments.
- Hey, Zubair, check out the stereo.
- Oh.
It is like Aryana Sayeed is in the back seat.
Look at this.
Huh? You can stand up and talk to American chicks on the street.
Here comes one right now.
Lizzie, look what I got.
Wow, that is How? First paycheck.
I told him to treat himself.
Hello, Lizzie, I am Al's cool cousin.
Name is Bair, Zubair.
Yeah, I know who you are.
You like everything I post on Instagram.
How about a follow back, girl? Okay, Al, I wrote your check.
It was not new car money.
It's okay.
It was no money down.
No money down.
Come on, let's take her for a spin.
Lizzie, come with us.
I will sit on your lap.
Even from 7,000 miles away, that is a hard pass.
After dinner, it would be my honor to take you for a drive.
- Yeah, sure thing.
- Ah.
Hey, I don't want to rain on your parade or anything, but are you sure you can afford this? If he couldn't afford it, they wouldn't have sold it to him.
You got something to say? I looked over the paperwork.
They really took you guys.
Are you kidding? If anything, we took them.
Tell her, Al.
Straight to the dry cleaners.
Yeah, he paid twice what that car is worth.
That's not true.
We got a great price.
If you paid cash, dummy.
You got screwed on the financing.
Stop trying to ruin this.
Riley, pipe down, will you? I want to hear what she has to say.
Why are you listening to her? Because she's good with numbers.
You're good with shapes.
Go ahead.
The interest rate increases up to 20% after six months.
Yeah, that's fine.
It's the same deal I got on my truck, and I'm not having any problem making payments.
Wait, you're still paying on that? It's been, like, three years.
Yeah, and in three more, it's all mine.
I thought you got a great deal on that thing.
I did! The guy who sold it to me even said I was the toughest negotiator he ever Son of a bitch.
I'm gonna go down to that dealership and let 'em have it.
I mean, taking advantage of an immigrant and a moron that ain't right.
Just to be clear, you're the moron.
Hey, friends.
You come back for more tea? - Yes.
- No.
- No.
- So you like bamboozling people, do ya? Is that how you get your kicks? Is there a problem? Yeah.
You sold my friend here a car for, like, eight million dollars.
Sir, I jumped through hoops to get him what he asked for.
I'll tell you what you did.
You treated a war hero like a chump.
- What-what's a chump? - You.
I'm ashamed to say I cannot afford this car.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You were so happy yesterday.
Because you filled my belly with tea and lies.
Point is, he's returning it.
Mm, check your contract.
- You can't do that.
- Isn't there a law, like a like a cooling-off period or something? Yes, there are a lot of laws like that.
But not in Ohio, which is why I sell cars here.
Hey, listen, lady, we're not leaving till you take the car back.
We could buy it back from you, probably for half of what you paid.
It's a brand-new car.
That was yesterday.
Today, it's a brand-new used car.
It only has 20 miles on it.
- It has 450 miles on it.
- What? I wanted to see Indiana.
Look, I'm done pussyfooting around.
Get me your manager.
I am the manager.
But you had to go to the other manager and talk to him.
Oh, wow.
Look, the car's brand-new.
Buy it back for the price you sold it to him.
And why would I do that? Because it's the right thing to do.
Look, I got Pilates in half an hour.
There is no prepayment penalty.
If you got the cash, you can pay back the loan as fast as you want.
- Okay.
- Okay? I'll get more money.
I can't pay you any more.
Mr.
Art, I will get another job.
You're the manager.
Are you hiring here? Ah, Lizzie, do you have a minute? Until I get a proper office with a door, yeah.
I need to find another job.
Would you mind taking a look at my résumé? Yeah.
Uh, which page is your résumé? All of them.
This is more of a memoir.
Oh, but this is how résumés are back home.
Also, my memoir will be much longer and include pencil etchings.
Okay, so this is every school you ever went to - Mm-hmm.
- and every class you ever took, and here's a page of hobbies.
Listed alphabetically from buzkashi to yo-yo competitions.
I find that a wide range of interests is really what separates me from the rest of the pack.
This isn't really how we do résumés here.
Only need, like, one page.
One page? That won't even cover all of my awards from primary school.
Let's just start fresh.
When did you start working? - Uh, I was probably five or six.
- What? That's child labor.
Yes, but in Afghanistan, we just call it labor.
Okay, so-so what was your job when you were five? I sold crackers in the neighborhood.
But then I moved on up to selling green onions in downtown Kabul.
You must have made a lot of sales, cute kid like you.
No.
Everyone there is used to seeing children sell things.
That is why all your lemonade stands don't work on me.
Okay, well, uh, what other kind of work have you done? Hmm.
Um Carpet weaving.
Ah, but it's been a while.
I don't have the calluses anymore.
You know what? Why don't we just cherry-pick a few things out of here.
Cherry-picking.
That's page five.
We have the best cherries in the world, so it's always a good conversation starter.
Oh, starting conversations.
It's under "special skills.
" There he is.
- Hello, Shawn.
- Oh, uh, hello.
How's your day been so far? Uh, pretty good.
Last day of being grounded, so Oh, good, good, good.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you like your job? Uh, this looks like grueling work for one man to do alone.
Well, it's better than bagging and cleaning toilets.
And I don't have to talk to people.
Usually.
I really like talking to people.
I can tell.
Is it like this? Is this how you do it? I am not afraid to be criticized.
Just make sure the labels are facing out.
Oh, you want to know how to do something, ask an expert.
So, Shawn I find myself in need of a second job.
Based on everything you know about me, do you think I would be a good fit? - I don't know, I I guess.
- Great! Would you take a look at my résumé? Is it too short? I think I got some bad advice.
You don't need a résumé.
You just have to fill out an application.
I was hoping you would put in a word for me.
I know how much influence you have around here.
Everyone speaks very highly of you.
You know I'm 16, right? Hmm.
Would you like to meet my friend? He's 20.
Shall I start work tomorrow? Where you been? I got a job at the supermarket.
Gonna be a bag boy? Courtesy clerk.
According to Shawn, "bag boy" is demeaning.
And now that I have a car, I filled out an application for Postmates, but I am sure it is very competitive.
Oh, look.
I was approved by Postmates.
That's great.
Listen, um I want to apologize.
For what? For getting you screwed.
I joins the Marines straight out of high school, and anything we needed, they gave us.
You know, they taught me a lot of useful stuff, but not how to buy a car.
Mm.
That information helps me less today than yesterday.
I'm really sorry.
I really thought I knew what I was doing, but clearly, I don't.
Riley, it is all right.
I believe that whatever happens is God's will.
He is the best of planners.
So God wants me to be an idiot? If it helps you get to where you need to be.
And where's that, exactly? Hey, I'm not God.
I don't know.
But I do need to wrap this up.
A woman from Franklinton just ordered ravioli from The Spaghetti Bucket.
Got a minute, Numbers? Shapes wants to talk.
Lots of people asking for my advice today.
That does not bode well.
I'm gonna ask you a favor, and there's a bunch of ways you could use it to hurt my feelings.
Is it my birthday? This is the contract I signed when I bought my truck.
Okay.
I want you to explain it to me.
I thought you had it all figured out.
And we both know that's not true.
What part don't you understand? Uh, just everything between "Jo Quincy Motors" and my signature.
All right, let's take a look.
Thanks.
I don't want to make this mistake again.
And I'm happy to help.
Okay.
Now, this here, at the top that's your name.
How's your delivery thing going? Oh, wonderful.
I make friends everywhere I go, and my car smells like the food court at the mall.
Man, I hate that you have to work three jobs 'cause of my mistake.
No.
I am glad.
For the first time in my life, I bought something just for myself, and I do not feel guilty about it.
Spoken like a true American.
Anyway, I told you I'd always have your back, so, here.
What is that? I sold my bike.
It'll help you pay off your car.
Riley, I I cannot accept that.
Take it.
But you loved that motorcycle.
Take it.
I like having three jobs.
Shawn says I have a lot of potential.
Take it.
Oh, thank you, Riley jaan.
I love you so much.
You want to go for a ride? There's a guy in Bridge Park who needs a burrito.