Up All Night (2011) s01e07 Episode Script
Parents
It is weird.
My lifetime subscription for Sports Illustrated expires in 2032.
Is that your expiration date or the magazine's? Oh, God.
Oh, no, babe.
No, no, no, don't do that.
Come on, it's not a sign, not a sign.
That's 21 years from now.
- That's, like - Hm, that's weird.
That's only five more Olympics.
Oh, hey, you know what? That's my parents, hit "decline.
" - No, no, we should answer it.
- Hit decline, no! - Hey, come on.
- No, no! Look, life is so short! Especially mine.
I don't wanna, I don't wanna! God, you're like my mother, so annoyingAah! Wow, you sound like a 14 year old girl.
I know I do, you know why? 'Cause no matter how old I get, I am still that 14 year old girl with braces and green doc martens and she's just the fabulous Dr.
Chafin, so - We should answer it.
- Hit "decline.
" I feel like your dad can read my mind.
Okay, no, he's a psychiatrist, not a psychic.
I bet you they can tell that we're standing here not answering it, all right? You can't! No, don't do it! Don't accept it! Oh, ugh! - Chris! - Angie, Dean, how are ya? I had the most intense experience today when a woman walked up to me and said that I changed her life.
How are you? Oh, um, well, first let me just congratulate you on the new book.
That's really great and I'm doing great.
Living the dream.
Tell me about this dream.
No, no, no, no, I meantDo you guys wanna say hi to your granddaughter? - Aw! - Hi! - Darling! - Baby! Amy, my light Chris? What is she wearing? What? Oh, it's just a It's just a little princess shirt-type thing.
To quote my book, we can't teach our little girls the only way to succeed is through beauty.
Hand of God, I thought it said "priceless.
" Hey, we have some really good news.
We are coming down to Los Angeles tomorrow.
The UCLA psych department is throwing me a book party.
I tried to stop them, it was so embarrassing.
She was very modest.
- So cute.
- So convenient.
And we're dying to see you.
- So - Hey, guys! Hi! - Hi, mom, pop.
- Hi, sweetheart.
Hey, we're not gonna be able to see you tomorrow.
Because gonna be going to the Uh-oh, there's an Internet Connection pro UhProblem God, that was a nightmare.
- Hello? - Hello? Sunshine, are you still there? Come, gather 'round ye people of my heart.
- What's going on? - Dale died.
What? The microphone guy? Attention My co-working family.
She doesn't know who Dale is.
There are no words She doesn't know who anyone is.
- To describe this - I've gotta stop her.
Wonderful sound man.
But if there were words, those words would be Passionate.
Prompt.
Sound-obsessed.
And above all else, passionate about sound.
If he were here right now He'd be saying, "hey, Ava, did you hear that?" And I'd say, "yup.
" He did your mic.
- Rest in peace, Mike.
- Ugh! His name was Dale.
Yup.
You don't even know who Dale was.
Does anyone really know Dale? Does anyone really know anyone, guys? Hey, babe Before I get back to work, um, we need to make sure that we don't have to see my parents this weekend.
So I'm gonna call my mom's voice mail and on my cue, pretend we're in Vegas, okay? What? Come on, babe.
I'm terrible at Hey, mom, dad.
We're in Vegas! Uh, on a trip and the whole family's here.
Slot machines! Blackjack! So love you, bye, okay.
That was great, honey, thanks.
What is this? I'm just checking out my death clock.
You know, you put in your lifestyle information and it spits out the date of your death.
And the date of my death is So silly.
Oh, God.
May 9th, 2032.
That's the exact same year that sports illustrated predicted.
Yeah, but come on.
Come on, it's a coincidence.
This is a sign, babe.
Are you kidding me? It's confirmed.
Oh, my God, I'm in a spiral.
Oh, honey.
I gotta hear some good news.
What happened today? Um, actually I'm kind of a little hesitant to tell you this, but you know Dale, our sound guy? He died.
He justHe just dropped dead out of the blue.
Actually found him in his condo common room.
Collapsed on his ping pong table.
Oh, big d.
You fat bastard.
He's never gonna get to see iPhone 5.
Listen, you gotta start to think positively about this.
The worst case scenario You have 21 great years left, right? So just treasure every one of them.
You're right, 21 years is pretty good I guess.
Ugh, it's my mom.
Gotta ruin my trip to Vegas, huh? - Well, we're not - Ignore.
All right, babe, you know what? I'm gonna get really real with you for a second here.
You need to start treasuring your parents.
Okay, no, I came up with the treasure thing.
Your mom loves you.
No, I am source material, okay? I mean, can you imagine? This woman writes a book about mothers and daughters, okay? - I mean it's - Outrageous? It's outrageous.
It's like you writing a book on how not to fart in your sleep, you know? Oh, I'm sorry.
It's actually kind of cute.
- Okay.
- Thanks, guys, ooh.
You know what? I think the crew might be a little miffed from your eulogy today.
So you might wanna try to make it up to them.
Well, I have hundreds of employees, and you know I am terrible with names.
This is the second time I'm going to ask this today, sir.
Why is your hand up my shirt? Ava, that's your new sound man, Chuck.
- Thank you, Chuck.
- Keep on growing.
I am registering a mild degree of worker people grumpiness.
But I have a lot of management experience.
I know how to win them back.
- Don't get them a coffee cart.
- I have another idea.
Don't get a crepe cart.
Well, they'll love it.
Don't worry, we'll tell them they're French pancakes.
Hey, hey, hey, did I make it? No, no, no, she just went down.
Oh, no.
I have had the worst day.
All I wanna do is kick off my shoes, sit on the couch and watch some garbagey TV.
Okay? But I have done something kinda great.
What? - Ha! - Hey! Oh! Aah! - Hello.
- Did she trip? Uh, I think she dropped something.
Babe, your folks are here.
Mom, dad! No, this is just Such a surprise.
Yeah, well, I called them because life is short.
- Isn't she beautiful? - Mm.
Muah.
GeeGod, mom.
Gross.
It is a little weird, right? Why, does mother-daughter affection bother you? I don't know.
I'm sure you haven't planned dinner but rather than have that domino brand pizza pie, I thought we could have an Indian feast, huh? I brought the cumin! Where do you keep your ghee? You know I don't have ghee, mom.
Nobody has ghee.
Um, it is me Or did Angie nail this Saag Paneer? Well, I do make my own cheese, you know.
Heh! Wink.
Oh, come on, how often do you get to have Saag Paneer? Ooh, somebody's got a ripe diaper.
And it is "front relevant," Reagan, you're up.
I got it.
"Front relevant?" You haven't named your daughter's genitals? We're not talking about this.
Your discomfort now, darling, will only lead to a lifetime of shame for Amy.
You've gottaYou've gotta make her feel confident about her womanhood.
Why don't we call it I don't know, um, a vagina? Oh, ew, noGood God, that's far too clinical.
You know, based on my research, the name offers daughters a sense of ownership.
Slash whimsy.
Yeah, I mean, we put a lot of time and effort into naming yours.
Abobo? All my parents argue about is football and Regis.
It's, uh You know, um, honey? Can you actually help me with this? Uh, just come with me to just help with the - Yes.
- Just come with me.
Just come with me.
Did you see her? With her ghee and her special cheese.
And did you see the way that she was ignoring Amy? I mean Reagan, I'm sorry, but you've gotta have a better relationship with your mom.
Starting now.
It's impossible, honey.
It's impossible because she is just She is Aarrgghh! Did you hear that? Oh, my God, she just made the same "I hate my mom" noise that I just made.
Oh, God, am I teaching her to hate her mom? Okay, relax, come on.
Amy, you are not annoyed by your mommy, are you? No, this isn't good.
No, I don't wanna have the same relationship with her that I have with my mother.
I can't.
I gotta break the cycle.
Right now.
Amy, my darling, I am gonna show you how to treasure a mom.
- Mom? - Hmm? I treasure you.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Yeah, and I I think that you and I need to have a girls' night out.
Just the two of us.
You could be my plus one at the book signing.
Oh, yes, it would be so nice to have somebody in the room who's not trying to blow smoke up my bottom.
Yeah, she didn't wanna do it.
I didn't, I didn't.
Hey.
Amy, honey.
Your mommy is gonna have a girls' night with her mommy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
And then you andYou and dad can have a boys' night.
That sounds fun, doesn't that sound fun, Dean? - Hmm.
- Hmm? You take Angie for granted, she's an amazing person.
It's true.
My mother lives in a houseboat with a jazz drummer she makes me call "captain.
" Yeah, well my mom is obsessed with naming Amy's genitals.
Oh, I read about that in her book.
I call my lady garden "Janine.
" What about something cute for Amy like "bunny" or - Agh! - Something glamorous.
You know, like "Ibiza.
" Yeah, I'm not naming her privates after a Spanish sex island.
Let's get you onstage.
We're here with Dr.
Deon, author of the new book, "cardio ka-razy.
" Uh, yeah, I can see her hair.
So tell us, Dr.
Deon.
How can I be more cardio healthy? Well, you'd be amazed at how much exercise you can pack into your normal work day.
I left for two seconds and they sabotaged her.
Reggie, she's out of focus.
Oops.
Reggie, cut! Cut! So if I were to, uh, take the stairs instead of the elevator Yes, that would also be cardio ka-razy.
Yes, it would.
Hey! I bought you bastards crepes! That show was a disaster! Did you see what hair did to my hair? I am seriously gonna kill hair.
First of all, you cannot call Carlos "hair," honey.
How did this turn into such a big deal? Ava, these people are very close to you.
They care about you.
Let me show you something.
Now, tell me.
What is my job title? - Executive producer.
- Okay, look at that.
You see that? You popped your P's.
I popped my P's? But no one ever knew it because Dale knew exactly where to put your microphone so that you would sound awesome.
Honey, he took care of you.
I hope he knows how much I appreciate him.
Well, he's dead, so no.
Reagan, I really need to try harder.
Okay.
All right, I'm gonna go.
I have a girls' night with my mother.
I'm getting my treasure on.
Oh, you know, motherhood is a journey.
And I'm very proud to say that I helped turn this pupae into this butterfly.
Stridex deserves some credit for that.
And of course, "contempo casuals" Going out of business.
You have no idea what I'm talking about.
I was particularly fascinated by the chapter on the summer Reagan lost her innocence.
Oh, this is such a challenging time for a mother.
And you'll have to sit your daughter down and say, "what really happened in the back of that Pontiac Fiero?" It was a Subaru Justy.
- Anyone need a refresher? - Oh, me.
- I'll join you.
- Oh, no, momMom? Hey, let's hang out.
We haven't talked all night.
All right.
Yeah.
That picture brings back some memories now, doesn't it? Wonderful times, huh? No, actually, mom, that was a period of my life where my only friend was a gay 7th grader with a Mohawk who Hold that thought, darling.
I really should mingle.
Who invited all these people? It's so embarrassing.
- Yeah, I'm sure it is.
- I'll be right back.
Ten! Bang it! Unh! Aah! - Hey, there.
- Hey.
Hey, uh, do you need a, um? - Spot.
- Spot? Yeah.
Just grab it, grab the bar.
- Unh! - Wow.
All right.
Just thought I'd blast out a couple Sets, you know, to release some endorphins.
It's a good de-stresser.
Which, in terms of life expectancy is What? - I'm afraid of dying.
- Oh.
I know it's irrational.
But there's this whole Death clock and sports illustrated.
It's It's all pretty much just not good news.
And? AndLook, Dean, I know that you're a great psychiatrist.
Could you tell me how a rational person deals with all this? Well, Chris, the thing about death is I have no [Bleep.]
Idea.
It scares the hell out of me.
You know what I do, I try not to think about it.
Here, uh Oh, uh, this helps a lot.
Let's just fix this up.
There we go, such a pretty girl.
Well, I wanna toast you all and thank you for coming.
"Raising daughter, the journey of motherhood" took me two years to write.
ButOh, if I may be indiscreet, Reagan, 36 to research.
And I would like to announce that I have found the inspiration for my next book.
My beautiful granddaughter, Amy.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Dr.
Chafin excuse me, mom-genius? Can I just talk to you privately over by the worst picture ever taken of a human being ever? - Oh.
- Listen.
Ah! Why did you deface that? If you think that you are gonna write a book about being this amazing grandmother, you are out of your mind! Shh! - Are you drunk? - Yes! Are you drunk? - Yes! - You know what? I came here tonight because I wanted to connect with you.
But you are un-connect-with-able.
Okay? Excuse me.
Ugh! Get out of my way, nerds! You're all nerds! Nerds! Ok, caught his real name.
Is Ronald Putch.
Ron Putch.
And he has two twin babies.
Adrian and Dadrian.
Adorable and dadorable.
Great, and, uh, missy, how is that tribute video to Dale coming along? There's very little information on Dale.
All we have is a group photo and his W-4.
Missy, you have got to make this work.
The importance of this cannot be measured.
I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors Go away! Nobody understands me! Well, babe, that's probably because your face is in a pillow.
Look, Reagan, I'm sorry.
I made a mistake inviting your parents.
I can't force a treasuring moment between you and your mom.
It just has to happen organically.
Like it did with me and your dad.
That guy is amazing.
He's Chris May I please have a second with your wife? Yes.
God, yeah, totally.
I'm sorry I freaked out at your book signing.
How bad a mother am I? - Mom - No, seriously.
On a scale of 1 to 10.
a confused gerbil mom who eats her babies? I studied gerbil infanticide in graduate school.
I worked under a renowned Professor Oh, good God.
I'm so sorry, darling.
You don't wanna hear all that.
I'm sorry.
I wanna be better.
Please tell me how to do that.
Do you remember that outdoor aerobics class that I taught at the y when I was really tan and my body was really bangin'? Yeah.
Write a book about that and use that picture.
Heh.
- Oh.
- Oh, mommy.
Aw.
- It is your turn.
- It's your turn.
No, it's your turn.
- It's your turn.
- It's your turn! It's your turn! - It's your tu - Aw, baby.
What's wrong with my baby girl? Aw, sweetie, I love you.
Yeah, you feel better? Yeah, we're gonna let mommy sleep, okay? Aw.
She wants to sleep, yeah.
You got a great mommy.
She wants to let me sleep.
- Women - Are wonderful.
Are nuts.
Dude.
Just when I think I'm getting you.
Thank you to every single one of my crew members.
And last, but most I would be remiss if I didn't mention someone we've lost here recently.
Missy? - Please, cue the video tribute - Cue the video.
That you made for our great sound technician, Mr.
Dale Salvert.
hmm-hmm-hmm hmm-hmm-hmm hmm-hmm-ya-hoo mm-mm-mm zero dependents single one allowance 2210 Denslow Avenue hey-hoo-hey-hoo Dale Salvert you gave us s-o-o-o-o Oh, was that it? Right.
We're gonna miss you, Dale, we love you.
All right, so let's do your death clock.
Now you're criteria's almost identical to mine.
Yeah, pretty much.
How often do you brush slash floss your teeth? I brush my teeth every day, but - Okay.
- Flossing I never floss.
I put nothing, let's see.
I don't like to, it takes up so much more time Let's just say if you floss maybe this will help.
You can't lie to it.
Oh, my God.
- May 11, 2032.
- That's two more days.
That's two more days with flossing.
- That's two whole days.
- We gotta start flossing.
Let's go floss right now, we're saving our lives.
My lifetime subscription for Sports Illustrated expires in 2032.
Is that your expiration date or the magazine's? Oh, God.
Oh, no, babe.
No, no, no, don't do that.
Come on, it's not a sign, not a sign.
That's 21 years from now.
- That's, like - Hm, that's weird.
That's only five more Olympics.
Oh, hey, you know what? That's my parents, hit "decline.
" - No, no, we should answer it.
- Hit decline, no! - Hey, come on.
- No, no! Look, life is so short! Especially mine.
I don't wanna, I don't wanna! God, you're like my mother, so annoyingAah! Wow, you sound like a 14 year old girl.
I know I do, you know why? 'Cause no matter how old I get, I am still that 14 year old girl with braces and green doc martens and she's just the fabulous Dr.
Chafin, so - We should answer it.
- Hit "decline.
" I feel like your dad can read my mind.
Okay, no, he's a psychiatrist, not a psychic.
I bet you they can tell that we're standing here not answering it, all right? You can't! No, don't do it! Don't accept it! Oh, ugh! - Chris! - Angie, Dean, how are ya? I had the most intense experience today when a woman walked up to me and said that I changed her life.
How are you? Oh, um, well, first let me just congratulate you on the new book.
That's really great and I'm doing great.
Living the dream.
Tell me about this dream.
No, no, no, no, I meantDo you guys wanna say hi to your granddaughter? - Aw! - Hi! - Darling! - Baby! Amy, my light Chris? What is she wearing? What? Oh, it's just a It's just a little princess shirt-type thing.
To quote my book, we can't teach our little girls the only way to succeed is through beauty.
Hand of God, I thought it said "priceless.
" Hey, we have some really good news.
We are coming down to Los Angeles tomorrow.
The UCLA psych department is throwing me a book party.
I tried to stop them, it was so embarrassing.
She was very modest.
- So cute.
- So convenient.
And we're dying to see you.
- So - Hey, guys! Hi! - Hi, mom, pop.
- Hi, sweetheart.
Hey, we're not gonna be able to see you tomorrow.
Because gonna be going to the Uh-oh, there's an Internet Connection pro UhProblem God, that was a nightmare.
- Hello? - Hello? Sunshine, are you still there? Come, gather 'round ye people of my heart.
- What's going on? - Dale died.
What? The microphone guy? Attention My co-working family.
She doesn't know who Dale is.
There are no words She doesn't know who anyone is.
- To describe this - I've gotta stop her.
Wonderful sound man.
But if there were words, those words would be Passionate.
Prompt.
Sound-obsessed.
And above all else, passionate about sound.
If he were here right now He'd be saying, "hey, Ava, did you hear that?" And I'd say, "yup.
" He did your mic.
- Rest in peace, Mike.
- Ugh! His name was Dale.
Yup.
You don't even know who Dale was.
Does anyone really know Dale? Does anyone really know anyone, guys? Hey, babe Before I get back to work, um, we need to make sure that we don't have to see my parents this weekend.
So I'm gonna call my mom's voice mail and on my cue, pretend we're in Vegas, okay? What? Come on, babe.
I'm terrible at Hey, mom, dad.
We're in Vegas! Uh, on a trip and the whole family's here.
Slot machines! Blackjack! So love you, bye, okay.
That was great, honey, thanks.
What is this? I'm just checking out my death clock.
You know, you put in your lifestyle information and it spits out the date of your death.
And the date of my death is So silly.
Oh, God.
May 9th, 2032.
That's the exact same year that sports illustrated predicted.
Yeah, but come on.
Come on, it's a coincidence.
This is a sign, babe.
Are you kidding me? It's confirmed.
Oh, my God, I'm in a spiral.
Oh, honey.
I gotta hear some good news.
What happened today? Um, actually I'm kind of a little hesitant to tell you this, but you know Dale, our sound guy? He died.
He justHe just dropped dead out of the blue.
Actually found him in his condo common room.
Collapsed on his ping pong table.
Oh, big d.
You fat bastard.
He's never gonna get to see iPhone 5.
Listen, you gotta start to think positively about this.
The worst case scenario You have 21 great years left, right? So just treasure every one of them.
You're right, 21 years is pretty good I guess.
Ugh, it's my mom.
Gotta ruin my trip to Vegas, huh? - Well, we're not - Ignore.
All right, babe, you know what? I'm gonna get really real with you for a second here.
You need to start treasuring your parents.
Okay, no, I came up with the treasure thing.
Your mom loves you.
No, I am source material, okay? I mean, can you imagine? This woman writes a book about mothers and daughters, okay? - I mean it's - Outrageous? It's outrageous.
It's like you writing a book on how not to fart in your sleep, you know? Oh, I'm sorry.
It's actually kind of cute.
- Okay.
- Thanks, guys, ooh.
You know what? I think the crew might be a little miffed from your eulogy today.
So you might wanna try to make it up to them.
Well, I have hundreds of employees, and you know I am terrible with names.
This is the second time I'm going to ask this today, sir.
Why is your hand up my shirt? Ava, that's your new sound man, Chuck.
- Thank you, Chuck.
- Keep on growing.
I am registering a mild degree of worker people grumpiness.
But I have a lot of management experience.
I know how to win them back.
- Don't get them a coffee cart.
- I have another idea.
Don't get a crepe cart.
Well, they'll love it.
Don't worry, we'll tell them they're French pancakes.
Hey, hey, hey, did I make it? No, no, no, she just went down.
Oh, no.
I have had the worst day.
All I wanna do is kick off my shoes, sit on the couch and watch some garbagey TV.
Okay? But I have done something kinda great.
What? - Ha! - Hey! Oh! Aah! - Hello.
- Did she trip? Uh, I think she dropped something.
Babe, your folks are here.
Mom, dad! No, this is just Such a surprise.
Yeah, well, I called them because life is short.
- Isn't she beautiful? - Mm.
Muah.
GeeGod, mom.
Gross.
It is a little weird, right? Why, does mother-daughter affection bother you? I don't know.
I'm sure you haven't planned dinner but rather than have that domino brand pizza pie, I thought we could have an Indian feast, huh? I brought the cumin! Where do you keep your ghee? You know I don't have ghee, mom.
Nobody has ghee.
Um, it is me Or did Angie nail this Saag Paneer? Well, I do make my own cheese, you know.
Heh! Wink.
Oh, come on, how often do you get to have Saag Paneer? Ooh, somebody's got a ripe diaper.
And it is "front relevant," Reagan, you're up.
I got it.
"Front relevant?" You haven't named your daughter's genitals? We're not talking about this.
Your discomfort now, darling, will only lead to a lifetime of shame for Amy.
You've gottaYou've gotta make her feel confident about her womanhood.
Why don't we call it I don't know, um, a vagina? Oh, ew, noGood God, that's far too clinical.
You know, based on my research, the name offers daughters a sense of ownership.
Slash whimsy.
Yeah, I mean, we put a lot of time and effort into naming yours.
Abobo? All my parents argue about is football and Regis.
It's, uh You know, um, honey? Can you actually help me with this? Uh, just come with me to just help with the - Yes.
- Just come with me.
Just come with me.
Did you see her? With her ghee and her special cheese.
And did you see the way that she was ignoring Amy? I mean Reagan, I'm sorry, but you've gotta have a better relationship with your mom.
Starting now.
It's impossible, honey.
It's impossible because she is just She is Aarrgghh! Did you hear that? Oh, my God, she just made the same "I hate my mom" noise that I just made.
Oh, God, am I teaching her to hate her mom? Okay, relax, come on.
Amy, you are not annoyed by your mommy, are you? No, this isn't good.
No, I don't wanna have the same relationship with her that I have with my mother.
I can't.
I gotta break the cycle.
Right now.
Amy, my darling, I am gonna show you how to treasure a mom.
- Mom? - Hmm? I treasure you.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Yeah, and I I think that you and I need to have a girls' night out.
Just the two of us.
You could be my plus one at the book signing.
Oh, yes, it would be so nice to have somebody in the room who's not trying to blow smoke up my bottom.
Yeah, she didn't wanna do it.
I didn't, I didn't.
Hey.
Amy, honey.
Your mommy is gonna have a girls' night with her mommy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
And then you andYou and dad can have a boys' night.
That sounds fun, doesn't that sound fun, Dean? - Hmm.
- Hmm? You take Angie for granted, she's an amazing person.
It's true.
My mother lives in a houseboat with a jazz drummer she makes me call "captain.
" Yeah, well my mom is obsessed with naming Amy's genitals.
Oh, I read about that in her book.
I call my lady garden "Janine.
" What about something cute for Amy like "bunny" or - Agh! - Something glamorous.
You know, like "Ibiza.
" Yeah, I'm not naming her privates after a Spanish sex island.
Let's get you onstage.
We're here with Dr.
Deon, author of the new book, "cardio ka-razy.
" Uh, yeah, I can see her hair.
So tell us, Dr.
Deon.
How can I be more cardio healthy? Well, you'd be amazed at how much exercise you can pack into your normal work day.
I left for two seconds and they sabotaged her.
Reggie, she's out of focus.
Oops.
Reggie, cut! Cut! So if I were to, uh, take the stairs instead of the elevator Yes, that would also be cardio ka-razy.
Yes, it would.
Hey! I bought you bastards crepes! That show was a disaster! Did you see what hair did to my hair? I am seriously gonna kill hair.
First of all, you cannot call Carlos "hair," honey.
How did this turn into such a big deal? Ava, these people are very close to you.
They care about you.
Let me show you something.
Now, tell me.
What is my job title? - Executive producer.
- Okay, look at that.
You see that? You popped your P's.
I popped my P's? But no one ever knew it because Dale knew exactly where to put your microphone so that you would sound awesome.
Honey, he took care of you.
I hope he knows how much I appreciate him.
Well, he's dead, so no.
Reagan, I really need to try harder.
Okay.
All right, I'm gonna go.
I have a girls' night with my mother.
I'm getting my treasure on.
Oh, you know, motherhood is a journey.
And I'm very proud to say that I helped turn this pupae into this butterfly.
Stridex deserves some credit for that.
And of course, "contempo casuals" Going out of business.
You have no idea what I'm talking about.
I was particularly fascinated by the chapter on the summer Reagan lost her innocence.
Oh, this is such a challenging time for a mother.
And you'll have to sit your daughter down and say, "what really happened in the back of that Pontiac Fiero?" It was a Subaru Justy.
- Anyone need a refresher? - Oh, me.
- I'll join you.
- Oh, no, momMom? Hey, let's hang out.
We haven't talked all night.
All right.
Yeah.
That picture brings back some memories now, doesn't it? Wonderful times, huh? No, actually, mom, that was a period of my life where my only friend was a gay 7th grader with a Mohawk who Hold that thought, darling.
I really should mingle.
Who invited all these people? It's so embarrassing.
- Yeah, I'm sure it is.
- I'll be right back.
Ten! Bang it! Unh! Aah! - Hey, there.
- Hey.
Hey, uh, do you need a, um? - Spot.
- Spot? Yeah.
Just grab it, grab the bar.
- Unh! - Wow.
All right.
Just thought I'd blast out a couple Sets, you know, to release some endorphins.
It's a good de-stresser.
Which, in terms of life expectancy is What? - I'm afraid of dying.
- Oh.
I know it's irrational.
But there's this whole Death clock and sports illustrated.
It's It's all pretty much just not good news.
And? AndLook, Dean, I know that you're a great psychiatrist.
Could you tell me how a rational person deals with all this? Well, Chris, the thing about death is I have no [Bleep.]
Idea.
It scares the hell out of me.
You know what I do, I try not to think about it.
Here, uh Oh, uh, this helps a lot.
Let's just fix this up.
There we go, such a pretty girl.
Well, I wanna toast you all and thank you for coming.
"Raising daughter, the journey of motherhood" took me two years to write.
ButOh, if I may be indiscreet, Reagan, 36 to research.
And I would like to announce that I have found the inspiration for my next book.
My beautiful granddaughter, Amy.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Dr.
Chafin excuse me, mom-genius? Can I just talk to you privately over by the worst picture ever taken of a human being ever? - Oh.
- Listen.
Ah! Why did you deface that? If you think that you are gonna write a book about being this amazing grandmother, you are out of your mind! Shh! - Are you drunk? - Yes! Are you drunk? - Yes! - You know what? I came here tonight because I wanted to connect with you.
But you are un-connect-with-able.
Okay? Excuse me.
Ugh! Get out of my way, nerds! You're all nerds! Nerds! Ok, caught his real name.
Is Ronald Putch.
Ron Putch.
And he has two twin babies.
Adrian and Dadrian.
Adorable and dadorable.
Great, and, uh, missy, how is that tribute video to Dale coming along? There's very little information on Dale.
All we have is a group photo and his W-4.
Missy, you have got to make this work.
The importance of this cannot be measured.
I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors Go away! Nobody understands me! Well, babe, that's probably because your face is in a pillow.
Look, Reagan, I'm sorry.
I made a mistake inviting your parents.
I can't force a treasuring moment between you and your mom.
It just has to happen organically.
Like it did with me and your dad.
That guy is amazing.
He's Chris May I please have a second with your wife? Yes.
God, yeah, totally.
I'm sorry I freaked out at your book signing.
How bad a mother am I? - Mom - No, seriously.
On a scale of 1 to 10.
a confused gerbil mom who eats her babies? I studied gerbil infanticide in graduate school.
I worked under a renowned Professor Oh, good God.
I'm so sorry, darling.
You don't wanna hear all that.
I'm sorry.
I wanna be better.
Please tell me how to do that.
Do you remember that outdoor aerobics class that I taught at the y when I was really tan and my body was really bangin'? Yeah.
Write a book about that and use that picture.
Heh.
- Oh.
- Oh, mommy.
Aw.
- It is your turn.
- It's your turn.
No, it's your turn.
- It's your turn.
- It's your turn! It's your turn! - It's your tu - Aw, baby.
What's wrong with my baby girl? Aw, sweetie, I love you.
Yeah, you feel better? Yeah, we're gonna let mommy sleep, okay? Aw.
She wants to sleep, yeah.
You got a great mommy.
She wants to let me sleep.
- Women - Are wonderful.
Are nuts.
Dude.
Just when I think I'm getting you.
Thank you to every single one of my crew members.
And last, but most I would be remiss if I didn't mention someone we've lost here recently.
Missy? - Please, cue the video tribute - Cue the video.
That you made for our great sound technician, Mr.
Dale Salvert.
hmm-hmm-hmm hmm-hmm-hmm hmm-hmm-ya-hoo mm-mm-mm zero dependents single one allowance 2210 Denslow Avenue hey-hoo-hey-hoo Dale Salvert you gave us s-o-o-o-o Oh, was that it? Right.
We're gonna miss you, Dale, we love you.
All right, so let's do your death clock.
Now you're criteria's almost identical to mine.
Yeah, pretty much.
How often do you brush slash floss your teeth? I brush my teeth every day, but - Okay.
- Flossing I never floss.
I put nothing, let's see.
I don't like to, it takes up so much more time Let's just say if you floss maybe this will help.
You can't lie to it.
Oh, my God.
- May 11, 2032.
- That's two more days.
That's two more days with flossing.
- That's two whole days.
- We gotta start flossing.
Let's go floss right now, we're saving our lives.