Was It Something I Said? (2013) s01e07 Episode Script

1
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to
Was It Something I Said,
the panel show all about quotations
and the quoted people
who quotated them -
the "quotatowriters," as I believe
they're technically called.
Or is it "quotatonators?"
Whoever they are and whatever
the hell they're called, that's
who we'll be asking questions about.
On Micky Flanagan's team,
an Englishman, an Irishman
and a Scotsman are just
three ways not to describe
Welsh comedian Rhod Gilbert.
And with Richard Ayoade tonight,
an Englishman, an Irishman
and a Scotsman
are equally inappropriate ways
of describing
comedian Josie Long.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here to read our quotations
is a broadcaster
famous for his dodgy fashion sense
on children's TV who once said
Thank heavens it's only the fashion
police he has to worry about.
Please welcome legendary
newsreader John Craven.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Josie, do you have a favourite
quotation? - Yeah, I do.
There's this quote by Albert Camus,
the miserable French writer,
philosopher, pipe-smoker, er
- Goalkeeper. - Goalkeeper, that was
the one I was thinking about.
And he says that,
"In the depths of winter,
"I realised that within myself
there was an invincible summer."
And it's so awesome, but it's also
meaningless cos that's not true,
cos it was still winter
till the middle of June,
but it's beautiful, isn't it?
How many people here
feel they've got
an invincible summer
lying within them?
I worry sometimes I've got
a drizzly autumn lying within.
I'm just like
a Russian doll of winter.
Just open me up and there's more
and more ice, coldness and despair.
- And then a tiny baby one right
in the middle. - Yeah, who's furious.
"No-one even knows I'm here,
and it's cold!"
Our opening round
is called Threesomes.
Many good things come in threes -
French hens,
billy goats gruff, blind mice
all rather nice starters in
a Heston Blumenthal restaurant.
Also coming in threes,
three famous people
who may have said
a particular quotation.
All our panellists have to do is
decide which of the three said it.
Now, as a modern, thrusting,
go-getting panel show, you can
play along at home by following
@somethingIsaid on Twitter
to unlock extra clips.
The theme of this week's
threesome is childhood.
And can we have the first
quotation, please, John?
In a moment, I'll give you three
famous faces to choose from,
but before that,
what do you make of the quote?
I think this statement sort of
rules out most of the working class.
- Do you? - Yeah, because we don't tend
to have nannies that bath us,
they tend to go, "Fuck off,
I've had mine, you go and do it."
I can't see it being
Ray Winstone, put it that way.
Maybe it's an upper class person,
the upper classes are very weird
about this sort of thing.
It's nice that whoever it is still
calls them Nursey Rogers with some
affection, all these years later
after the attempted assassination.
I'm going to narrow down your
options now for who said this.
Was it Clare Balding
off Channel 4 Racing,
Nick Hewer off The Apprentice,
or Prince Harry off his face?
If it was Prince Harry we'd have
read about it, wouldn't we?
An assassination attempt on the
If it was the Royal family,
they would have had her murdered.
They would have. And the end
of the quote would be,
"She's dead now, of course.
Special Forces."
- That's the explanation.
- What's your next question?
"My grandmother's no longer with us
now, of course. Special Forces."
How can your first memory
be of being drowned?
You see, I think it's conceptually
quite hard for your first memory
to incorporate the idea of death.
"Shit, they're trying to kill me!
Oh, I don't know what life is.
"Am I alive? I'm a baby.
"I'm so brainy, what's happened?!"
I'll give you a clue.
I can tell you that two
of our threesome had nannies
when they were growing up.
Do the Royal family do any childcare?
I think they probably,
you know, pick it up,
give it a bit of a jiggle.
They'd have to think of a name.
Think of a name, go on the balcony,
jiggle, jiggle, name-name,
hand it back and then
go to its graduation.
Can I make a guess that
Prince Harry didn't have a nanny
because Princess Diana
took them to Thorpe Park.
- Ooh, that's a good - That's true.
I don't think that precludes
the idea of a nanny, does it?
Yeah, I know, it's flimsy,
but I just thought, maybe,
Princess Diana wouldn't
let 'em have 'em.
- Cos she was a down-to-earth
earl's daughter. - Exactly.
- Yeah, "one of the people,"
though, wasn't she? - Yeah.
She took 'em to Butlins for
a fortnight as well, didn't she?
Nick Hewer wears the constant
expression of a man who's
sort of about to go under the water.
U-u-urgh! Imagine working with him.
How long would it be before you
put a bit of shit in his pocket?
Incidentally, Micky, how long
do you usually find it before?
Hold up! What have we got here?
Well, we need an answer.
- All right, it's Nick Hewer.
- Is that what you're choosing as well?
You can both choose the same thing.
You think it's Nick Hewer.
We think Nick Hewer as well.
Well, the answer is
Nick Hewer, well done.
APPLAUSE
Nick went on to say
..so even back then he was used to
hearing people say, "You're fired."
John, when you were a child,
- you wanted to be a broadcaster,
didn't you? - Well, yeah.
When I was about ten, I think,
I asked for a microphone
as a birthday present,
and I used to sit in the kitchen
with the microphone and the lead
went through to the sitting room,
plugged into the wireless.
And my parents had to listen to me
reading the Yorkshire Evening News.
I think that's a very sweet image.
I think if more children were
sneaking into the next room
and pretending to read the news,
then I think there'd be, well,
I'll say it, less drug abuse.
I used to love the way every,
on every episode of Newsround
- you always started by going,
"Hello again." - I did.
I loved the way you said
"Hello again."
I also said, "And finally."
"And finally," long before
Trevor McDonald did on News At Ten.
- He nicked "And finally?!"
- I think he did, yeah.
That man's a fucking hack,
I always knew it.
What did you say to the bastard?
Sir Trevor McDonald?
The bastard.
We never actually discussed it,
to be honest.
Well, you're a gentleman,
unlike that thieving bastard.
OK, John, can we have the next
quotation on childhood, please?
Indeed.
So, was it Clare Balding,
Nick Hewer or Prince Harry?
It's not Prince Harry because there's
no way that Prince Harry would say,
"the Queen," cos he knows her.
They call her the Queen,
though, in the Royal family.
"Oh, is the Queen coming, then?"
I've heard Prince Charles
refer to his mother,
- who is the Queen, as "the Queen."
- What, he says "the Queen?"
Yeah. I mean, I don't think
he says "the Queen,"
when he's with her, you know,
having a cup of tea.
I don't say, "Hello, the Queen,
could you pass the tea?"
It must be Prince Harry
because it has to be breakfast.
The only time when one person
would be having tea
and another would be having
a sausage is breakfast time,
and the only one who
would be breakfasting with
the Queen is Prince Harry.
Otherwise, one of the other two
has smuggled a sausage in
while they've been invited for tea.
Well, we're going to go for
Clare Balding, actually, I think,
cos she seems the sort of person
who would be invited to evening tea,
and I think the Queen
makes it up as she goes along.
If she wants sausages,
she's having sausages.
Nah, it's got to be Prince Harry,
he's the only one
who breakfasts with the Queen.
Otherwise what occasion
would the Queen be sipping tea
and she's got a sausage out?
- Bonfire Night. - Bonfire Night!
LAUGHTER
- Sausages and jacket potatoes.
- She's got a flask of tea.
Clare Balding might have hosted
a Celebrity Bonfire Night.
The Queen's invited to
Celebrity Bonfire Night?!
- RICHARD: Thank you, yes. - She's on Big
Brother next time as well, probably.
MICKY, WITH A GEORDIE ACCENT:
Day Five, and the Queen is!
The Queen is crying
in the Diary Room.
POSH ACCENT: I don't know
why I came in here!
Things were going so well!
So whose sausage shot
across the table towards the Queen?
Was it Clare Balding, Nick Hewer or
Prince Harry?
Clare Balding.
- Richard and Josie? - Clare Balding.
Everyone thinks it's
Clare Balding. The answer is
Clare Balding. Everyone's right.
APPLAUSE
So, John, can we have Clare's
quotation in full, please?
Indeed.
"The sausage can shoot
out of your grasp. I know this.
"I know this only too well."
The incident took place in Clare's
family dining room when she was 12.
Her father used to train racehorses
for the Queen.
Now, how did a 14-year-old Harry
try to make his father's 50th
birthday party less boring?
He pretended the Queen
had just been assassinated
and went, "You're King!"
LAUGHTER
And Prince Charles went,
"Wa-a-ay!"
And then he went, "No, she's
still alive." And he went, "Ohhhh!"
"Come on now."
Do you think it wouldn't be
more complex than that?
If he was told the Queen was dead,
there wouldn't be a sort of
grief mixed with excitement,
- it would just be
- BOTH: Hooray!
I think the grief would come after.
It's not true, sadly.
He stripped naked and ran
around in front of the guests.
One partygoer recalled,
"Charles turned crimson."
I think Crimson
was a gay friend of his.
So, at the end of our
Threesomes round,
I can tell you that
the teams are tied.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Our next round is called Keywords.
The teams must guess a full quote
from hearing just two words from it.
Much like having a chat
at a nightclub
except without the blaring
so-called music
that people feel they have to
pretend they like.
Here's a famous quotation
from Muhammad Ali said
at a press conference in 1964
before his fight with Sonny Liston.
I'm looking for the entire quote.
As your first clue, John,
can we have two keywords, please?
"Sting" and "eyes".
Is it like an extra bit
of that quote everybody knows?
"Sting like a bee."
Is it just another bit of that?
There's more to it than "Float like
a butterfly, stings like a bee,"
and it includes the word "eyes".
"Floats like a butterfly, sting
like a bee, look around like eyes."
LAUGHTER
"I will detach his retina
from his eyes."
- That could happen as well. - Yes.
I'm going to give you another word.
Another clue word, please, John.
I hope it's not "retina"
because I guessed that.
LAUGHTER
- "Hands." - "Hands." - It's a rhyming
couplet. - It's a rhyming couplet?
"Float like a bee. Punch."
Hang on, I'm playing charades with
John Craven. This is exciting.
- "Punch, punch, hit, hit." - "Hit."
"Sting like a butterfly,
float like a bee.
"Hit like eyes with my hands."
"Hands."
- See. - His hands - See.
"The whites of your eyes."
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
- "His hands can't hit
what his eyes can't see." - Yes.
This has turned into Give Us A Clue.
- You are right. - Thank you.
Can we have the full quotation,
please?
"Floats like a butterfly,
sting like a bee,
"his hands can't hit
what his eyes can't see."
Well done.
APPLAUSE
Muhammad Ali,
or Cassius Clay as he was then,
said this quotation in 1964
before his fight with Sonny Liston.
He also said,
"Sonny Liston is nothing.
"The man can't talk.
The man can't fight.
"The man needs talking lessons.
The man needs boxing lessons.
"And since he's gonna fight me,
he needs falling lessons."
LAUGHTER
That's pretty cool, isn't it?
In 1960 he won the light heavyweight
gold medal in the Olympics in Rome.
Any idea what was unusual
about his flight to Rome?
It was delayed.
He flew the plane.
- No. - There was no peanuts.
- I don't know whether there were any
peanuts. - He was the only one on it.
- No. - He wasn't on it.
No, he was on it.
These are all good answers.
The answer is he wore a parachute.
He was afraid of flying
and he bought one
from an army surplus store.
It displays a singular
lack of concern
for everyone else on that plane.
If you have got a parachute on
with the intention that you will
jump clear of everyone else
who is going down
"But can you open the door please?
"I know that will pre-emptively
suck a lot of the passengers out,
"but I'm going to jump out.
"And you fucks - best of luck.
"I'm Cassius Clay."
I think you're absolutely right.
It was
What a terrible, terrible man(!)
LAUGHTER
I'm ashamed to have mentioned him.
Muhammad Ali once went to Iraq
and successfully negotiated
the release of 14 US hostages
from Saddam Hussein.
A strategy which didn't go quite
so well when Tony Blair
sent Frank Bruno to look for weapons
of mass destruction.
LAUGHTER
At the end of our Keywords round,
a quick look at the scores tells me
that Richard's team is in the lead.
APPLAUSE
Over the break, see
if you can complete this quotation
from American rapper
and businessman 50 Cent.
Tweet your answer to
@somethingIsaid.
See you in a couple of minutes.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to
Was It Something I Said?
Before the break
we asked you to
complete this
quotation from 50 Cent.
"I can't believe my grandmother's
making me take out the garbage.
I'm"
What?
- Any thoughts, panel? - I actually do
know this. - You know it?
- I saw it retweeted. Yes. - Ah.
He says, "I can't believe
my grandmother's making me take
"out the garbage. I'm rich. I don't
have to put up with this shit.
"I'm going home."
He is just
round at his grandmother's.
She obviously can't move.
It's like, "Please, darling,
will you take the rubbish out?"
And he's like, "Forget this.
I'm going home."
But the key word here is "making".
How violent is the grandmother?
We haven't met his grandmother. It
could be a choke hold she is using.
We don't know what's going on.
Let's hear the full quotation.
"I can't believe my grandmother's
making me
"take out the garbage. I'm rich.
"I'm going home. I don't need this
S dot, dot, dot."
Well done.
John, I noticed that you
didn't say the word "shit".
- Is that a point of principle? - I just
choose not to swear on television.
That's all.
I remember you dropping
the C-bomb on Newsround.
LAUGHTER
I was going to say that John says
"Countryfile" every week.
Now that seems quite a rarefied way
of putting it.
But, yes, he was raised
by his grandmother.
- What is he not allowed to do
around her? 50 Cent. - Rap.
- Well, it might restrict his rapping,
this rule. - Can he not swear?
- Like John Craven. - Yes, exactly.
He can't swear.
John John Craven
chooses not to swear.
50 Cent is prevented from swearing
by his all-powerful grandmother.
LAUGHTER
Maybe it's just the tone, or the way
she said it. I don't know.
I don't know. But he's not one
to do that unless provoked.
I think she must have used
a very haughty tone.
The next is a round called
What Are They Talking About?
You're going to hear a quote
that's been taken out of context
and you've got to work out
what that person is talking about.
It's sort of like trying to
start watching Game Of Thrones
from the middle of an episode
in season three,
except there will be no nudity.
At least no nudity
above the desk line.
Here's a quotation from artist
Andy Warhol's diary in 1985.
Can we hear it, please, John?
"I don't know what held me back
from pushing her over the balcony.
"I guess I called her a bitch
or something
"and asked how she could do it."
So you are comfortable with
the word bitch?
LAUGHTER
I did consider that very deeply.
A bitch is the definition of
a female of the species, isn't it?
- Yes. - I don't count that
as real swearing.
OK.
It would probably have to be
someone quite famous
because he was generally obsessed
with famous people. Madonna.
No, it wasn't Madonna.
- Grace Jones. - No. - Shall I keep naming
'80s pop stars? - I would love you to.
T'Pau. Bros. Berlin. MC Hammer.
- He's not talking about
anyone famous. - OK.
It was his wife or his girlfriend
or someone.
- A lover of some kind. - No.
I'll give you a clue.
It happened at a book signing.
Is it a fan? A fan
of his with a book of his
RHOD: At a book signing.
JOSIE: To sign, yes.
Whether or not she was a fan
is put in doubt
by her subsequent actions.
- Did she throw paint all over him?
- No.
Did she say, "Sort out your barnet?"
You are warm.
- Something about, "Do you wear
a wig?" - You are getting warmer.
- She tried to pull his hair off.
- You've got it.
She snatched the wig off his head
at the Rizzoli bookshop in Soho
where he was signing copies
of his new book America.
Warhol described the event saying,
"My biggest nightmare came true."
Keep your hair on!
LAUGHTER
At the end of the What Are They
Talking About round,
Richard's team is in the lead.
APPLAUSE
Our next round is the
Was It Something I Said? round,
in which each team has to work out
who said the following quotations.
It'll either be from one
of our guests on the show tonight
or from our virtual guest -
Lance Armstrong.
So be warned, a quote of yours could
be judged the kind of thing that
could only be said by one of the
biggest lying cheats of all time.
First up is Micky's team.
Who said the following? Was it
Richard, Josie, John, me
or Lance Armstrong?
That's the sort of thing a stand-up
would say, isn't it?
Lance Armstrong though
He's got a tight set.
A lot of stuff about cycling though.
LAUGHTER
Bit of a one-note stand-up.
I was in the saddle and, funny
story
Anyway, I was re-injecting my
own blood and
Lance Armstrong,
he'd have had people booing.
Richard, is that recorded in front
of a live audience?
- IT Crowd was, wasn't it?
- It was. Yeah. - So you'd have had boos.
- David - Why would they boo him
on the IT Crowd?
They saw me act.
LAUGHTER
Let's see if he recalls it.
HE BOOS
Oh!
Stop it. That's so much louder than
ten people cheering.
LAUGHTER
I can't see anyone booing John.
On Countryfile, I don't think
if you go, "Over here we have a cow."
And everyone goes, "BOOO!"
Moo!
Right, I need an answer.
We're gonna go for Richard.
Well, the answer is
Lance Armstrong.
Next up, it's Richard's team.
Who said the following?
Was it Micky, Rhod, John, me
or Lance Armstrong?
JOSIE: That's just showing off,
really.
- That can't be you. - No.
You'd have, like, Brahms and then
podcasts about the Second World War.
LAUGHTER
Underscored with T'Pau.
LAUGHTER
- I think it is
- Do you know what I think?
- You think it's Craves? - Yeah!
Does it help that
I haven't got an iPod?
Oh, you're out of the game.
LAUGHTER
- John, that helps a great deal.
- Good.
It helps so much that we can now
eliminate you.
I think it could be
Micky because I can imagine him
saying it like a fun dad.
Like, I've got 4,000 or 5,000
songs on my iPod.
I've got
LAUGHTER
I've got 4,000 or 5,000 ♪
LAUGHTER
How many Chas And Dave
songs are there?
It's more than one
and fewer than 4,000.
I'm going to have to make you
plump for one.
- They've been going a long time
- Plump. - OK.
- I think it's - Bit harsh, bit harsh.
Was it a bit, it wasn't a
LAUGHTER
You're very slender.
I was using the imperative verb,
meaning - to choose.
Decide.
- I think it could be Lance.
- I do too. I really do.
Your answer is Lance Armstrong?
- Mm-hmm. - Your answer is correct.
APPLAUSE
I'm afraid that's
all we've got time for.
A quick look at the scores tells
me this week's winners are
Richard and Josie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you to Micky and Rhod,
Richard and Josie.
And to our guest narrator,
John Craven.
We leave you with this
quotation from American novelist,
James A Baldwin.
Oh, thanks a lot, James.
Don't I feel a dick!
- LAUGHTER
- Good night.