Wedding Band (2012) s01e07 Episode Script
I Don't Wanna Grow Up
[ Cheers and applause .]
No, no, no, no.
Ouzo down.
We haven't earned that yet.
- What? - There's still a handful of people here that we haven't gotten through to.
All right, what do you think? Kick off the next set with "Mamma Mia"? We go bigger.
We go "Fantasy Draft," I think.
- What? - We each draft a guest.
Whoever's pick ends up being the most valuable partyer wins.
- Stevie, come on, you're on the clock.
- What? Oh, cool, cool.
Uh, I'm gonna take big fat Greek drinker.
Ahh.
You want a mulligan? I'll give you a mulligan.
Come on.
With that belly full of jolly? He's looking to hug people.
I'm going with weird aunt.
Ahh.
Weird aunt.
Yes.
When has weird aunt ever worked out for you? - Tonight.
- Ponytail.
No.
Mm-hmm.
Dude, he was on my board, man.
I liked the shape of his head.
He's got the Greek glass dance sewn up.
I'm going with her.
The Greek go come on, that's no fair.
- No, the one right next to her.
- Oh.
- Bat wings? - Yep.
I'm doing this one for the grandmothers.
I get those arms flapping, she wins.
[ Imitating explosions .]
S01e07 I Don't Wanna Grow Up ⺠Popping bottles in the ice ⺠⺠like a blizzard ⺠⺠when we drink, we do it right ⺠⺠getting slizzard ⺠⺠sipping sizzurp in my ride ⺠⺠in my ride ⺠⺠like 3-6 ⺠⺠now I'm feeling so fly, like a g6 ⺠⺠like a g6, like a g6 ⺠⺠na na na na na ⺠⺠I'm feeling so fly, like a g6 ⺠⺠Give me that mo-moet ⺠⺠wet! ⺠⺠give me that cry-crystal ⺠⺠tal! ⺠⺠ladies love my style ⺠⺠at my table getting wild ⺠⺠get, get, get, get, get them bottles poppin' ⺠⺠we get that drip and that drop ⺠⺠now give me two more bottles ⺠Weird aunt, no.
[ Chuckles .]
Sorry.
º hell yeah ⺠⺠drink it up ⺠⺠drink it up ⺠Oh.
Snap.
ºthey be acting like they drunk ⺠⺠they be acting like they drunk ⺠⺠acting, acting like they drunk ⺠⺠when sobers girls around me ⺠⺠they be acting like they dru-uh-unk ⺠[ cheers and applause .]
º Like a g6 ⺠This is crazy.
Getting married I can't believe my pot dealer is all grown up.
Shh! Keep it down.
No one here knows.
- Hi.
- Congratulations, Dimitrius.
Hey, you know, everyone's got to grow up sometime, right? - I don't think you need to quit the business.
- What do you expect me to do? - Open up a chain of weed stores? - I would.
Well, it's not like you don't have the clientele.
Good point.
But in the meantime, a little "thanks for your patronage" gift.
Is this pot-baklava? Ahh, you're the Bobby flay of bud.
- Unbelievable.
Thank you.
- Enjoy.
- Yamas! - Yamas! I gotta say, I'm really becoming a fan of these Sunday-night weddings.
A nice way to end a weekend.
Great way to kick off the work week.
Yeah, that's right.
Get yourself all pumped for Crate & Crockery kids.
This coming from a guy who's never even been to my office.
- Really? Not even once? - I'm not sure he even knows what I do.
Yes, I do.
You're Frieda's boss.
- Who's Frieda? - My secretary.
[ Laughter .]
Let me guess.
Another movie quote.
- Dude, that's from "Fletch.
" - That's "Fletch.
" - Never seen it.
- Really? That's wrong on so many levels.
Yeah, if you want to fit in with this band, you've got to brush up on your movie quotes.
I got it.
[ Roxie clears throat .]
The bride is eating the wedding cake.
- I don't see what the problem is.
- We haven't had the cake-cutting ceremony yet.
Ah.
Boy, that is a problem.
If I didn't know any better, I would say that everybody's high.
[ Both laughing .]
But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Mnh-mnh.
I'll fix it.
Rachel.
Rachel.
- What? - Okay.
Um Somehow - my pot-baklava ended up on the dessert table.
- Whoa! - Tommy, are you kidding me? - Hey, it was a gift, okay? Please don't tell Rutherford.
Please? Tommy, my company's mandatory drug test is tomorrow.
Test will be fine! You'll pass your test! - We just need clean urine, that's all.
- Where are you gonna get clean urine from? Everybody here is either drunk or riding a baklava high.
You're not.
You are not drunk.
- You - I'm not in this! Do you want this man to lose his job? No.
There you go.
Don't judge me.
I had the asparagus soup.
Tommy: When we met last night, I forgot to ask you, - how do you know Sophie? - Who? [ Chuckles .]
Dimitrius' wife.
I should probably tell you I don't know the bride or the groom.
And I'm 17.
[ Coughs .]
Next month.
Wait a minute.
- Gotcha.
- Oh, my God.
[ Laughing .]
You should have seen your face.
Oh, now I don't need coffee.
Since I have nowhere to be how's about I crash with you for a day or three six? [ Moans .]
Five two? Tommy: How long has it been out of the fridge? - Like two hours? - Does the glass look cold? - I mean,is it room temperature? - I don't know.
You should dip your finger in it.
I'm not dipping my finger in it.
I don't even know why you're worrying right now.
You're gonna ace your test.
[ Knock on door .]
- Everything's gonna be okay.
- Gotta go.
What's that? Energy drink.
What? Why's it in a chardonnay glass, yo? - Justletting it breathe.
- Let me see.
Boof! Damn, that is like gator piss.
Can't believe you're gonna drink that.
I've already had like two.
You know, pretty wired.
- What do you want, Cooper? - Oh.
You didn't hear? - Dale got fired.
- Oh, no.
He just had his third kid.
What's he gonna do? Yeah well, it's hard to get ahead at Crate & Crockery kids When you have kids.
You know what I mean? Ah.
Sure grow up fast, don't they? [ Chuckles .]
Well, in Dale's case, not fast enough.
Anyhoo Henderson wants to see us.
He is pi'yassed! Train's moving, people.
Big party this Friday to launch our new line.
Crate & Crockery kids Adults.
Products for men and women who have families, but still want to be kids.
Blackjack chaging tables.
Race car beds.
Adult-onesies.
Feetie pajamas with a trapdoor.
Oh, my wife she loves that trapdoor.
Hey, is that a new photo of Barb? She's looking sweet! The heavy lifting was done.
All we needed was the slogan.
And what did Dale come up with? Adultolescence.
23 letters -- that's not a word.
That's a wheel of fortune.
And it tested right through the floor.
We now have five days to come up with a new tagline.
So let's go! Move! Cooper.
Eddie.
Hang back a sec.
[ Indistinct talking .]
[ Chuckles .]
You saw them.
There is no way that cluster of idiots is gonna come up with a damn thing.
At least they're all refreshed from not working like we did, Hank.
You see, Cooper here took the initiative.
Drove out to my lake house last night to brainstorm, and we sure could have used you, Eddie.
[ Chuckles .]
Last night, uh Last night, I was at a Greek restaurant with the fam.
Dale really crapped the bed on this one.
But I am counting on you guys to change the sheets.
I got your back, Hank.
All right? I got your back, too, Ha I'll just close the door.
- Stevie: What time is this meeting? - Ooh, is that the Greek goddess? Tommy: Yeah, that's Zoe.
I took her home from the wedding, and now she wants me to take her everywhere.
It's like my dick stepped in gum.
Wish my dick stepped in stuff.
We talking like stage-five or "Wedding crashers.
" Stage-five clinger? - Whatever.
- Are you serious? I'll add it to the queue.
Ahh, the Goldstein party crashed the monitor again.
Reinstall the system software.
Roxie I'm not your assistant anymore.
I'll still housesit for you, and I'll get you those Cuban cigars that you like so much, but other than that I want more responsibility.
Sweetie, no one handed me this empire.
I went out and I built it myself.
Event planning was more than just a job.
It was my pilates, my pole-dancing class, my Saint Tropez, and my mistress.
If you want more responsibility, I need to see the passion.
- Passion? - For our clients.
Now, in the meantime, be a doll and break in my new Jimmy Choos for me, okay? I'll leave them right here.
But right now, my junior event planner and I have a meeting.
Baklava, anyone? Stop looking at me.
Playing events might be a weekend "escape" for you, but it is a job.
Tommy: Okay, the baklava was a mistake.
But I would like to think that what happened before that was unintoxicated genius.
You need to mature up.
I got you a corporate event.
And that's not some office Christmas party [chuckling.]
where staffers hook up on xerox machines.
No, they want Buckingham Palace level professionalism.
This software was supposed to work.
It's a product launch for Crate & Crockery kids Adults.
Ugh.
We can't do that event.
Roxie, I work there, and I'm helping out with that launch, so Get a sub.
- We don't do outsourcing.
- It's fine.
Just tell your boss.
I'm not telling Henderson I'm in a band.
Henderson doesn't know you're in a band? How long have you worked up there? Henderson is old-school, all right? He finds out I'm rocking out on weekends, then I'm tagged, like, "unpromotable.
" You know? It's fine.
We're gonna help him come out.
- Okay? - I'm not coming out.
- No, you're coming out.
- Stop saying that.
[ Chanting "come out" .]
- Yeah, we'll get you out there! - This is the maturity that I was talking about.
So, you make a decision, or I will.
And, um, get your foot off my table.
º Early in the morning ⺠⺠rising to the street ⺠⺠light me up that cigarette ⺠⺠and I'll &trap shoes on my feet ⺠⺠got to find a reason ⺠⺠a reason things went wrong ⺠⺠got to find a reason why my money's all gone ⺠He's your plan? How's he gonna get Eddie to play the event? He's annoying.
It's the whole point.
We want to make Eddie crazy.
º loving ⺠⺠is what I got ⺠⺠I said, remember that ⺠⺠loving is what I got ⺠Hey, let's take five.
So good.
Whoo! It really is.
You step right in, and you're killing it.
- You guys found a fill-in? - Isn't he awesome? - Doing so good.
- He's mouthing the solos.
- Was he really? - Yeah.
- I didn't even notice.
- Yeah, he's kind of he's a mouther.
Hey, man.
What's up, man? Barry and I were talking.
- What about going with two guitarists? - Yeah, you know, making this a permanent thing.
Yeah.
Permanent how? Like, uh, Tommy-and-the-clinger permanent? Tommy: Well played.
- Well coached.
That was good.
- Uh, Tommy, is your clinger taking a shower in my kitchen? Is she using wet naps? That's probably why she smells so good.
Must be.
Can you please talk to your boss? Because this is ridiculous.
Come on, the timing sucks.
This Cooper guy, he's a total backdoor bragger.
You know, he's always showing off but couching it in modesties.
I hate guys like that.
Kenny G.
is the worst at that.
Wait, did you just front-door brag about knowing Kenny G.
? 'Cause I've lost all respect for you.
I don't understand why you are being so selfish.
What you have is a gift.
The fact that you wouldn't want to share that with your brothers in cubicles, instead of them thinking you're some schnook I don't understand it.
An average nobody who gets to live the rest of my life as a schnook? Is that a quote? Both: "Goodfellas.
" - Are you serious? - Gonna add it to the queue.
You know what? Hey, hey, hey.
I'll go talk to Henderson.
- Please talk to him.
- I will.
- Like, for real.
- Because you said last time that you would - Hey.
Tommy.
- and then you did something different.
Where'd you say Zoe's from? - I don't know.
- Okay.
Uh, I'm just saying, she bathes with wet naps, shoveling down corn flakes from a box.
Address unknown.
I don't know, dude.
I'd say you're dating a homeless hottie.
A homeless hottie.
That's ridiculous.
There's no way somebody that hot could be homeless.
I think you're jealous.
I think you're jealous.
[ Laughs .]
If you let me plan your two pines life-insurance event, there will be a theme.
Not only will you have tables, you will have actuarial tables.
I'm impressed, Rachel.
[ Chuckles .]
Not just with the amount of work you've done.
- How'd you find this place? - I heard that you're a cabaret fan.
I just found the name in my boss's contacts.
Woman: It's hot in here tonight.
[ Glasses clink .]
Or maybe it's just me.
Oh, my Buddha.
That would be my boss.
⺠I told y'all mother, what? ⺠⺠y'all can't stop me now ⺠⺠listen to me now ⺠⺠I'm lasting 20 rounds ⺠⺠and if you want me, people ⺠Is she coming over here? ⺠is you with me now? ⺠⺠then biggy, biggy bounce ⺠⺠I know you dig the way I switch, switch, switch my style ⺠⺠Holla! ⺠⺠well, people sing around ⺠⺠now people gather 'round ⺠⺠now people jump around ⺠⺠get your freak on ⺠⺠get your freak on ⺠⺠well, get your, get your, get your, get your, get your freak on ⺠⺠get your, get your, get your, get your, get your freak on ⺠⺠Ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh ⺠[ applause .]
Sorry about your tie.
It's fine.
Hank: Get the hell out of my office.
Hank The cluster rolled snake eyes.
You think if I fired one of them, the rest would follow? Hank, there's something I need to talk to you about.
Tell me that you cracked the slogan.
I'm so close on a few.
The results from your drug test are back.
You're clean.
[ Laughs .]
God, you had me for a second, 'cause You're also pregnant.
What? That'sImpossible.
Ra Oh, my God.
Oh, it's just a mix-up at the lab.
- Happens every once in a while.
- Yeah, totally.
Labs are crazy.
- Of course you'll have to take the test again.
- Of course I will.
I love drug tests.
Look, about last Sunday I wasn't really out with the fam Hank.
I can't remember.
Your hero Carl Yastrzemski, right? Yaz? Well 'Cause I got these two tickets skybox that I gotta use.
- You know, Mariners, Red Sox.
- It would be so nice to stretch out and, uh, knock off that slogan.
- Yep.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, Eddie.
What were you saying about Sunday? I was checking out that band we hired for the launch event, and, uh, they rock, like, hard, but maybe we should consider someone a little more corporate friendly.
You know, I was supposed to meet that band in about an hour with Barb.
You go instead.
Help her plan the party.
- I don't think that's a.
.
- Good work, Eddie.
You play your cards right wit Barb, and Whoo! And then what? [ Coughs .]
Uh, I gotta go get the mail.
- Okay.
- All right? Be right back.
Reg.
Hey, uh I need your help.
You know the girl that's been crashing with me? You mean the swimsuit model who's always taking cans out of the recycling? Yeah.
Um, I have a problem.
I can't get her to leave.
Not seeing how that's a problem.
She's like a rescue.
I don't have the heart to kick her out, but I was thinking Maybe if she thought that you were kicking me out You want me to pretend to evict you? Yes.
But you got to really sell it.
Okay? Thank you.
Didn't you get the mail? I didn't.
Um Golly.
Mailman died.
- Ugh.
- Yeah.
That sucks.
Happens all the time.
Mm.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Sorry, Eddie.
[ Knock on door .]
Reggie: Tommy! Open up! It's the landlord! Hold on.
Half an hour, please! Hour.
One hour, please.
[ Door opens .]
Listen, you're way behind on your rent -- and I hope that's not your sister.
No.
Not my sister.
Friend.
Zoe's a friend of mine.
- Girlfriend.
- Well Well, your lease stipulates that unregistered girlfriends are a violation.
Reg, have a heart.
Are you kidding? She has no place else to go.
Or do you? I mean, any place in Seattle? Home is where the heart is.
- Home is where the - and right now, it's here.
Here.
Okay? And you know what? If you're gon throw her out, Reg, then you're throwing me out, too.
Fine.
Sign here.
Fine.
Yeah, get your stuff together.
Very good.
You sold that very well.
Thank you for that.
Well, the acting was fake, but the eviction notice is for real.
Between the loud music and the louder women, I've wanted you out of here for years.
You got 24 hours.
[ Clicks tongue .]
Um, I didn't get a chance to really read that, though.
Stevie: So, now you're both homeless.
[ Chuckles .]
- Sorry, dude.
- No.
She's not homeless.
Dude, she just got that peach out of the trash.
Oh, Barry, are you sure she didn't drop the peach on the floor and then pick it up and eat it? Did you see it come out of the trash? - I don't remember.
- You know what that makes you, right? You're the hot homeless couple.
[ Laughter .]
Barb.
You're here.
Eddie, why are you here? [ Stammers .]
Hank didn't call you.
Oh, well, uh, he wants us to work on the event together.
[ Cellphone chimes .]
Oh, he didn't have the guts to call me, so he e-pussed out.
"Per Eddie, don't trust band.
" [ Elevator dings .]
[ Scoffs .]
Let's go take it out on these suckers.
Uh-oh.
This must be the band, huh? You must be Tommy? Uh, no, I'm Tommy.
Barb Henderson.
This is my husband's attempt at getting off wife detail.
Eddie.
Nice to meet you.
- [ Quietly .]
For the first time.
- Yeah.
You look very familiar.
[ Exhales sharply .]
Get it all the time.
Yeah.
He looks like my estranged brother.
Uh, no, guy you're thinking about usually sits on this side of the table Barry.
Couldn't be him, could it? [ Laughs .]
[ Chuckles nervously .]
Eddie's done some homework on you guys.
And quite honestly, he's raised some flags.
Oh, no.
What, uh, what kind of flags? Roxie: Hello! Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
- Awkward.
- Oh, my.
Roxie, I see you're wearing my one-of-a-kind pantsuit.
Well, you know, I am.
Oh, you just look fan-freaking-tabulous.
Oh, please.
So do you.
Oh, but there's just a little something different about you.
I can't place it.
What is it? I've had some work done.
Well, not Botox, because that I can always tell.
[ Laughs .]
No, it's a lot lower than that.
A tummy tuck? Mm, lower than that.
No, you did not.
Yes, I did.
I had a rejuvie.
Aah! There.
I said it.
- Oh.
Look out.
- Now, that is a secret, Eddie.
Do not tell Hank.
It's my latest attempt to get him to work more from home.
Maybe we should sidebar the whole conversation.
- Great idea.
- Oh, you're such a prude.
It's no different than women feeling each other's boob jobs.
It's a little different.
Well, I am just as tight and pristine as a souvenir coin purse, and I couldn't be happier.
And I think it has added at least 10 more years to the life of the car.
Well, next year, you can just get yourself a new bumper! Oh! You are so much fun.
Flags, really? Thanks, Eddie.
I think we can all agree I'm not at my best right now, probably because I failed my drug test.
- How could you fail your drug test? - It came back pregnant.
What? Pregnant? That means that Rachel's You think she knows? We gotta tell her.
Look, I'm the one that made her pee in a wine glass, all right, so I'll tell her.
I'm not gonna do it here, though.
It just doesn't seem right.
I mean, thiss, you know it's work.
Hey.
When are you gonna come clean to Henderson? I'm not.
Yeah, I got stuck planning this party, and that night I'm gonna have to spend it mingling with my coworkers.
We could change up the offense, man.
We could do a wildcat.
We could have two quarterbacks.
I'm on the stage.
You're on the dance floor.
Pull you up on stage, we hand you the guitar, you have your "I am iron man" moment.
Be the talk of the office.
Everybody talking about you.
This is not some Greek wedding where we can act like hooligans and just dance around and have fun, okay? This is my career, and it has consequences.
So, please, just leave it, all right? Very serious.
[ Dog barks .]
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Yep.
Oh, you hanging some of Janie's art? Oh! Sorry.
They're crime-scene photos.
Do my best work in the kitchen.
After she reads the kids their bedtime stories.
I just can't figure out how this head got so far from the body.
Maybe it was intentional.
Huh.
Hey, what's all this? Oh, just slogans I'm working on.
- Sorry.
- Oh, no, no, no.
So, listen, man, I just dropped by to see what's up, you know? And to see that You know, in every band, all right, there's always a guy all the band members know they can talk to.
Thanks, man.
Plus, it can't be easy, this whole, uh, Clark Kent/Superman thing you got going on.
I'm doing okay.
You know, handling it.
Sorry.
Two place' same time it's not really your strong suit, honey.
- Thanks, babe.
- I love you.
Look, Clark Kent, the reason he can make it through his day is 'cause he knows he's gonna kick some ass at night.
All right? For you, music is your kick-ass, son.
That's your release! It makes you a better father, husband Marketing wizard.
But you guys just don't know the pressure I'm under.
Maybe not.
But I think Tommy's just trying to get you to realize you don't have to be one or the other.
[ Stammers .]
The killer is left-handed.
Why crash at Barry's? I'm sure Eddie would put you up, and Zoe.
No.
No, no, no.
He's got the whole launch party.
I don't want to burden him.
Zoe has got great cardboard penmanship.
You know, from writing all those "will work for" Signs.
I'm not really sure what that means, Barry.
- I've had a weird week.
- Me too.
I still haven't recovered from seeing roxie's act.
- From what? - Oh, nothing.
It's nothing.
- I don't think I'm allowed to discuss it.
- What act? Sorry? Roxie does cabaret.
With elements of torch.
That's genius.
- We're going.
- No! I've been.
I'm not going again.
I've seen things I cannot unsee.
Well, now you're overselling it, and we're going.
º He likes to put her on his lap ⺠⺠and stroke her till she purrs ⺠⺠Didn't know love could be like that ⺠Oh, my God, this is the greatest day of my life.
There's no way you could oversell this.
âºnaughty ⺠⺠But frankly in the end ⺠⺠pussy is the best friend ⺠⺠a boy could ever have ⺠I'm gonna come here every Thursday night.
I am.
I'm bringing the guys, though, one at a time.
That way I can stretch this whole experience out.
º Here, pussy ⺠⺠here, pussy, come ⺠⺠stay, pussy ⺠You okay? You look sick.
º play, pussy ⺠I think I am experiencing post-roxie stress disorder.
º Here, pussy ⺠⺠here, pussy, come ⺠⺠stay, pussy ⺠⺠play, pussy ⺠⺠come, pussy ⺠⺠come ⺠I love this.
I love it.
You know what I love? I love that I know this.
I mean, this is you had me going with the whole maturity kick.
And that's that is done.
That is -- it is.
I know you now.
I know who you are.
You know, this whole dirty act you should put kinky on a leash.
I mean, you should take it out for a walk every once in a while.
Kinky? [ Laughs .]
What? - You thought that was kinky? - Yeah.
Oh, you are such a boy.
Well, you wouldn't tell your clients about it, would you? I have nothing to hide.
I am an event planner.
Everything I do during the day is for somebody else.
This is for me.
That is exactly what I told Eddie -- that he has nothing to worry about.
Almost word for word.
Totally different.
- He has a boss.
I am the boss.
- Yeah.
An office is an office, right? And what would you know about working in an office? Maybe you should try walking in Eddie's shoes sometime.
I'm glad we're doing this.
How come you guys never visit me at my work? You work at the guitar pit.
Hey, guys, this area's off-limits to interns, yo.
We're, um, looking for Mr.
Wilson's cubicle -- Eddie? Edward? Yeah, well, his desk is right in there.
I gave him that office because the Donald told me that confined spaces - makes you hungrier.
- Hmm.
Backdoor brag.
- You must be Cooper.
- Yeah, how'd you know? Nice cat calendar.
Aw.
I got him that for Christmas.
Oh.
Check it out.
Check it out.
These must be the launch slogans he's been busting his ass on.
- The launch slogans for what? - Just because you don't ask him about his day at work doesn't mean I don't ask him.
That's not true.
I ask him about his day at work.
What are you -- new band wife or something? [ Chuckling .]
I'm just saying, he'd probably just appreciate if you showed a little interest.
I show interest in what he does.
I like this one.
Look at that.
"I'll never grow up!" It's good, right? I mean, it has, like, energy to it, even with the red through it.
I don't like the font.
It's like not enough "kids," not enough "adult.
" He just needs to go for it, you know? What are you, like the font master? Font master flex? Hey, band.
Hello.
What are you guys up to? Looking for Eddie.
We were talking about this show, the big thing, and the lighting, and the pyrotechnics, and we couldn't find them.
- So we're, um, cleaning.
- I can't find Hank, either.
It's the only reason I agreed to do this launch.
Work was always the, uh, one place we could get time together.
Oh, that's nice.
Is that how you guys met? You had a little interoffice romance? At the office Christmas party.
[ Giggles .]
We hooked up on the Xerox machine.
- Legendary.
- Wow.
Ahh.
- And I still have some of those copies.
- Tommy: Do you? Hey.
- Make yourself at home, Cooper.
- Well, work is home.
Oh.
This look familiar? No.
You pulled it out of your pocket and planted it on my desk.
It's sugar.
Just testing you.
My mailroom contact tipped me off and said you're retaking your drug test.
My only guess is that it has something to do with those three guys that came in here.
What three guys? What? The cool, good-looking one, the one who's still trying to rock a mop cut, and the, um African-American.
They're actually here.
[ Chuckles .]
Right.
Of co I scheduled that because that's the band playing the launch party tonight.
They just stopped by to go over the set list.
Oh.
Um, I still think you're hiding something, and I'm gonna find you out.
Okay? Hey.
Um, this is the video -- visuals for the screens.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cool.
You know what you're doing with this, right? This is under 23 megabytes, right? I'm just kidding.
You're fine.
- Yeah? - It's good.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles .]
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's up? Heard you stopped by my office today.
I did.
I did.
Yeah.
You know what? You're right.
It is about time that I learned what it is that you do.
That's great.
Did you have to do it on the day of my launch event? You know, kind of all over Cooper's radar now.
I met him, by the way, and you were -- you were right about him.
- Did he unholster the pistols? - No, he didn't.
- He didn't.
He had a lot of "yos.
" - Yes.
He loves the "yos.
" Very hip-hop.
He's really, really hip-hop.
Listen, we're not gonna blow your cover on this thing.
Okay.
Everything's fine.
Hey.
We brought your, uh, you know, just in case you changed your mind, you know? - Name's on the case.
Cover blown.
- That's an oversight - That should have been caught by somebody.
- Oversight.
Kind of like you neglecting to tell me that you got evicted from your apartment.
I didn't want to burden you, okay? I know how stressed out you've been about this whole thing.
Okay, just tell me you and Zoe aren't, like, staying in a shelter.
We're not staying in a shelter.
- I'm staying at Barry's.
- Barry lives in a shelter.
- Barry doesn't live in a shelter.
- Dude, come on, just listen.
I'll talk to Ingrid about you staying at my place.
But tonight, behave.
What do we do? We deliver.
We deliver for our clients, right? Tonight the client is you.
[ "What I got" plays .]
[ Cheers and applause .]
⺠Life is too short ⺠⺠so love the one you got ⺠⺠'cause you might get run over or you might get shot ⺠⺠never start static, I just get it off my chest ⺠⺠never had to battle with no bulletproof vest ⺠⺠Take a small example, take a tip from me ⺠⺠take all your money, give it all to charity ⺠⺠love is what I got, it's within my reach ⺠You know how when we play an event, you tell us to make sure - there are no surprises for the client? - Yes.
Of course.
I think I know where this is going.
Yeah, you know, tonight it's really on you to make sure there are none.
Okay? You know, that's what we're paying you for.
All right, well, you enjoy tonight, then, because tomorrow I own your soul.
º Lovin' ⺠⺠is what I got ⺠⺠I said remember that ⺠⺠Lovin' ⺠⺠is what I got ⺠[ cheers and applause .]
Look at him.
He's mingling his ass off out there.
Exactly.
Hey.
Eddie Wilson.
Think he's gonna score that guy's business card? That's impressive.
I couldn't do that.
I couldn't do what he does.
It looks good on him, though.
"Happy gilmore," right? Uh, "caddyshack," but you're on the green.
Ah.
Look who else is, uh, working it.
10 bucks says he does the executive hair flip.
Oh, man.
Dude's got the entire midwest sales team just eating out of his hand.
Well, you know what? Let's do it.
Let's go fantasy draft.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Who you got? I'm going big dog.
Eddie's boss.
- A bit riskyl right? - I know.
If I can get him to lighten up, the rest will follow suit.
I want Cooper.
Look who decided to get in the game.
You gotta stick to him.
You gotta make sure that he is not the life of this party.
- Can you do that? - Yeah.
Hell yeah.
I love you guys.
Keep it together, mouther.
We're doing this for Eddie.
Guys We need to make sure that he is the mvp tonight.
[ Imitating explosion .]
Let's do it.
[ Pops lips .]
Yeah.
My uncle came up with the dollar bit on "price is right".
- Really? - Yeah! Can't really make money off of it, sure Can I get one of those sippy, uh, sip beers? I'm sorry.
I'm not interrupting - Pretty good underbidders.
No.
It's a hell of a party.
Hell of a party you're throwing.
You guys really know how to play a crowd.
- It's important to know your audience, right? - It certainly is.
- I'm Hank.
- How are you, Hank? Tommy.
Good to meet you.
You know, I used to play in a band, too.
Marching band, I'm guessing.
[ Laughs .]
Clarinet.
Woodwinds? - Somewhere in the woodwind family.
- Oh, woodwinds my ass! - Hank, I'm telling you.
I can feel it.
- Come on! I tickled the ivories, blew the sax.
But I gotta tell you the one thing that I really regret never learned the guitar.
Really? That's strange.
I mean, you seem like you could have done anything you wanted to.
- What happened? - Oh, just career, marriage Kids.
Grow up fast.
Right.
Kids -- kids grow up fast, you mean? Actually, I was talking about myself.
You know what's weird about that? What's the Who's the tall guy? Your party planner.
- Eddie.
- Eddie.
Said, I swear, almost the exact same thing to me.
Hank.
Tommy, right? - Hey.
Yeah.
- I have a second with you? Sure.
Sure.
Sorry, Hank.
- Nice to meet you, Tommy.
- Hey, good to meet you also, Hank.
- What a nice guy.
- You're running a draft at my event? - You pick Henderson? - Walk it off, okay? - You walk it off.
- No.
Walk it off.
- No, you walk it off.
- Okay, you know what? Everything is fine, all right? It's all good.
No, don't say it's all good.
Every time you say it's all good, it's all bad.
- Eddie, it is all good.
- No, it's all bad, man.
- Settle yourself down.
- Now it's all bad.
I mean it, man.
These Feetie PJ's are really comfy.
We should go find some in your size.
Okay, hey, you know what? I'm not really comfortable with you all up in my shizz.
Okay? So why don't you just go hang with your band? They're not really my band.
Damn it! I mean, yes, they are.
Because I'm filling in for a guy.
A guy who's got a work conflict.
Ah, damn it! Okay.
What guy? Um, I don't know.
I don't remember his name.
I think it was foreign.
You mean Eddie.
Eddie? Like, "the guy running this party" Eddie? Yeah.
Guitar's right up there.
Band was hoping he'd play a song.
Okay, all right.
Thank you.
Hank! Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? - What? - Man: And now our C.
E.
O.
, Hank Henderson! [ Cheers and applause .]
I want to thank you all for a successful launch of Crate & Crockery kids adults.
[ Cheers and applause .]
I especially want to thank my lovely wife, Barb, for putting on this spectacular event.
And now to celebrate the spirit of our new line, I give you a slogan that captures it all! "I'll never grow up"? What the hell? That's not what [ cheers and applause .]
I like this new one better.
"I'll never grow up!" [ Cheers and applause .]
That's my slogan.
Well, you've officially made the world a better place for adult onesies.
You don't get it.
I never handed it in.
That jackass stole my slogan.
Hank: Before I turn you over to the band, I have to tell yo that I have received some very shocking news.
It appears that one of our execs has been keeping a secret from us.
It turns out that he is a kick-ass guitarist! [ Scattered applause .]
Cooper, come on up here! [ Cheers and applause .]
Well Cooper? [ Chuckling .]
No, I'm not much for the spotlight.
You know, tonight is about the launch -- not about yours truly.
So Well, slash did take the time to give me some lessons, so Hope I make him proud.
Slash? Let's do this.
[ Cheers and applause .]
That is my guitar.
[ "I don't want to grow up" plays .]
⺠When I'm lying in my bed at night ⺠⺠I don't want to grow up ⺠⺠Nothing ever seems to turn out right ⺠⺠and I don't want to grow up ⺠⺠How do you move in a world of fog ⺠⺠that's always changing things? º ⺠Makes me wish that I could be a dog ⺠⺠When I see the price that you pay ⺠⺠I don't want to grow up ⺠⺠I don't ever want to be that way ⺠They're not that bad.
Huh? º Seems like folks turn into things they never want ⺠⺠the only thing to live for is today ⺠Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie! ⺠Gonna put a hole in my TV set ⺠⺠I don't want to grow up ⺠⺠Open up the medicine chest ⺠⺠I don't want to grow up ⺠⺠I on't wanna have to shout it out ⺠Get your paws off my Les Paul! [ Guitar screeching .]
Aaaah! [ Crowd murmuring .]
Way to stick your pecker in my launch, Eddie.
You know, I'd expect that from the cluster.
But you're the most reliable guy I've got.
I'm really sorry, Mr.
Henderson.
I don't know what came over me.
I do.
Um, raging hormones, sudden mood swings yeah, kind of explains the whole pregnancy on the drug test, doesn't it? How do you know about his drug test? Hank, sorry, that's my fault.
- Tommy, stop it.
- No, I got this, Eddie.
Uh, the guitar that Cooper was playing on stage that's actually Eddie's guitar.
That's your '72 les Paul custom? In the tobacco sunburst finish? I'm lead guitar.
This is my brother Barry.
He plays drums.
Stevie shreds it on the bass and a lot of other instruments.
Think you've already met Tommy.
Oh, yeah, and that's mouther back there.
He's just filling in.
Nice job, man.
We rock it as a wedding band.
Well, why haven't you ned this before? See, that's my fault, also.
I'm the one that convinced Eddie that he should keep it a secret.
See, I assumed that you were one of those stuffed suits, sitting in the mirror-window building.
See, you come off that way sometimes, hon.
- You do.
- I'm sorry.
But then we got to know each other at the bar, and, uh, I realized that you're not just some schnook.
That's how you see me? As an average nobody who gets to live the rest of his life as a schnook? [ All talking and laughing .]
[ Laughs .]
"Married to the mob.
" Ugh.
"Goodfellas.
" Idiot.
I don't know how you do it, Eddie.
I don't know how you balance work, family, and still have time to be a weekend rocker.
You gotta have a passion.
Right? Damn straight you do.
And never grow up.
Thanks a lot for stealing my slogan.
Oh.
No, Eddie.
That wasn't me, man.
- It wasn't.
- No, it was us.
Yeah, no, we found it in your office.
Yeah, and I did the font.
- Nice work, Eddie.
- Hank, why don't we go see if we can find one of those, uh, race car beds? [ Clears throat .]
See you boys later.
Pshoo! Pshoo-pshoo! Pshoo! [ Chuckles .]
I think it'd be nice if you hire us as consultants, maybe, to start.
You should probably stay out of my workplace from now on.
So you helped plant that slogan, didn't you, Rachel? You said you wanted to see passion.
Mm.
That's how far I'd go for a client.
[ Laughs .]
That's interesting.
Where would you draw the line, then? Would it be sleeping with a client? You know, Rachel, you know why I am so hard on you? Because I see you as partner material at someday.
- Really? - I said "someday.
" Not tomorrow.
Why do you think I had you walking in my shoes? Metaphor.
Anyone seen Zoe? She hasn't clung to me all night.
Yeah, I figured I owed you, so I found her a new home.
Cooper: Hey, Eddie.
- Let's jam sometime.
Huh, baby? [ Chuckles .]
- Sorry.
Eddie: Totally.
Is it weird that I'm gonna miss her? Hey, look, there's the mouther.
All right.
Hey, man, listen, you can stay with Ingrid and I as long as you want, all right? No, I'm good, actually.
- Hank set me up.
- My boss? Yeah, he had this loft that he used as, like, a man cave, and I guess now that his wife got the rejuvie, he's gonna do a little more work from home.
Why am I not surprised? The dude abides.
"The Big Lebowski"! - You nailed it.
- Nice.
- Yeah, see? - Hey, man.
[ Sighs .]
Time to do the responsible thing.
[ Clears throat .]
Tommy: Rach? Hmm? - Can I talk to you? - Okay.
You know how You know how the best things in life are never really planned, but then - turn out to be the greatest gift? - Are we on "Oprah" right now? No.
According to Eddie's urine test, uh, you're pregnant.
[ Gasps .]
No, I know.
It's an emotional thing.
And sometimes, you know, sometimes people [ Laughs .]
- I can't - Sometimes they laugh.
No, I -- that wasn't my sample.
I got that from a pregnant woman at the reek wedding, 'cause I knew it would be clean.
I actually like to twist a fattie.
Like to get Dankenstein.
- I like the goshe - No, I got it.
You, uh, okay.
Eddie: You are such an ass, right? You're on the waterfront.
I mean, mermaids are probably gonna hop up on your deck - and just sun themselves.
- This place could suck.
No! It's not gonna suck.
No, you know, I've learned that.
That's impossible.
For you, it always works out.
For me, I gotta get another drug test.
My life isn't all gumdrops and lollipops all the time.
- It kind of is.
- It's not.
I have my moments, too.
Hey.
Are you guys the new neighbors? - This guy.
- I just baked these.
- Do you guys want to try some? - Don't mind if I do.
- Sweet.
- Go easy, tiger.
- They're filled with Afghan kush.
- Blech! I'm kind of in the business.
This is not one of those moments.
No, no, no, no.
Ouzo down.
We haven't earned that yet.
- What? - There's still a handful of people here that we haven't gotten through to.
All right, what do you think? Kick off the next set with "Mamma Mia"? We go bigger.
We go "Fantasy Draft," I think.
- What? - We each draft a guest.
Whoever's pick ends up being the most valuable partyer wins.
- Stevie, come on, you're on the clock.
- What? Oh, cool, cool.
Uh, I'm gonna take big fat Greek drinker.
Ahh.
You want a mulligan? I'll give you a mulligan.
Come on.
With that belly full of jolly? He's looking to hug people.
I'm going with weird aunt.
Ahh.
Weird aunt.
Yes.
When has weird aunt ever worked out for you? - Tonight.
- Ponytail.
No.
Mm-hmm.
Dude, he was on my board, man.
I liked the shape of his head.
He's got the Greek glass dance sewn up.
I'm going with her.
The Greek go come on, that's no fair.
- No, the one right next to her.
- Oh.
- Bat wings? - Yep.
I'm doing this one for the grandmothers.
I get those arms flapping, she wins.
[ Imitating explosions .]
S01e07 I Don't Wanna Grow Up ⺠Popping bottles in the ice ⺠⺠like a blizzard ⺠⺠when we drink, we do it right ⺠⺠getting slizzard ⺠⺠sipping sizzurp in my ride ⺠⺠in my ride ⺠⺠like 3-6 ⺠⺠now I'm feeling so fly, like a g6 ⺠⺠like a g6, like a g6 ⺠⺠na na na na na ⺠⺠I'm feeling so fly, like a g6 ⺠⺠Give me that mo-moet ⺠⺠wet! ⺠⺠give me that cry-crystal ⺠⺠tal! ⺠⺠ladies love my style ⺠⺠at my table getting wild ⺠⺠get, get, get, get, get them bottles poppin' ⺠⺠we get that drip and that drop ⺠⺠now give me two more bottles ⺠Weird aunt, no.
[ Chuckles .]
Sorry.
º hell yeah ⺠⺠drink it up ⺠⺠drink it up ⺠Oh.
Snap.
ºthey be acting like they drunk ⺠⺠they be acting like they drunk ⺠⺠acting, acting like they drunk ⺠⺠when sobers girls around me ⺠⺠they be acting like they dru-uh-unk ⺠[ cheers and applause .]
º Like a g6 ⺠This is crazy.
Getting married I can't believe my pot dealer is all grown up.
Shh! Keep it down.
No one here knows.
- Hi.
- Congratulations, Dimitrius.
Hey, you know, everyone's got to grow up sometime, right? - I don't think you need to quit the business.
- What do you expect me to do? - Open up a chain of weed stores? - I would.
Well, it's not like you don't have the clientele.
Good point.
But in the meantime, a little "thanks for your patronage" gift.
Is this pot-baklava? Ahh, you're the Bobby flay of bud.
- Unbelievable.
Thank you.
- Enjoy.
- Yamas! - Yamas! I gotta say, I'm really becoming a fan of these Sunday-night weddings.
A nice way to end a weekend.
Great way to kick off the work week.
Yeah, that's right.
Get yourself all pumped for Crate & Crockery kids.
This coming from a guy who's never even been to my office.
- Really? Not even once? - I'm not sure he even knows what I do.
Yes, I do.
You're Frieda's boss.
- Who's Frieda? - My secretary.
[ Laughter .]
Let me guess.
Another movie quote.
- Dude, that's from "Fletch.
" - That's "Fletch.
" - Never seen it.
- Really? That's wrong on so many levels.
Yeah, if you want to fit in with this band, you've got to brush up on your movie quotes.
I got it.
[ Roxie clears throat .]
The bride is eating the wedding cake.
- I don't see what the problem is.
- We haven't had the cake-cutting ceremony yet.
Ah.
Boy, that is a problem.
If I didn't know any better, I would say that everybody's high.
[ Both laughing .]
But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Mnh-mnh.
I'll fix it.
Rachel.
Rachel.
- What? - Okay.
Um Somehow - my pot-baklava ended up on the dessert table.
- Whoa! - Tommy, are you kidding me? - Hey, it was a gift, okay? Please don't tell Rutherford.
Please? Tommy, my company's mandatory drug test is tomorrow.
Test will be fine! You'll pass your test! - We just need clean urine, that's all.
- Where are you gonna get clean urine from? Everybody here is either drunk or riding a baklava high.
You're not.
You are not drunk.
- You - I'm not in this! Do you want this man to lose his job? No.
There you go.
Don't judge me.
I had the asparagus soup.
Tommy: When we met last night, I forgot to ask you, - how do you know Sophie? - Who? [ Chuckles .]
Dimitrius' wife.
I should probably tell you I don't know the bride or the groom.
And I'm 17.
[ Coughs .]
Next month.
Wait a minute.
- Gotcha.
- Oh, my God.
[ Laughing .]
You should have seen your face.
Oh, now I don't need coffee.
Since I have nowhere to be how's about I crash with you for a day or three six? [ Moans .]
Five two? Tommy: How long has it been out of the fridge? - Like two hours? - Does the glass look cold? - I mean,is it room temperature? - I don't know.
You should dip your finger in it.
I'm not dipping my finger in it.
I don't even know why you're worrying right now.
You're gonna ace your test.
[ Knock on door .]
- Everything's gonna be okay.
- Gotta go.
What's that? Energy drink.
What? Why's it in a chardonnay glass, yo? - Justletting it breathe.
- Let me see.
Boof! Damn, that is like gator piss.
Can't believe you're gonna drink that.
I've already had like two.
You know, pretty wired.
- What do you want, Cooper? - Oh.
You didn't hear? - Dale got fired.
- Oh, no.
He just had his third kid.
What's he gonna do? Yeah well, it's hard to get ahead at Crate & Crockery kids When you have kids.
You know what I mean? Ah.
Sure grow up fast, don't they? [ Chuckles .]
Well, in Dale's case, not fast enough.
Anyhoo Henderson wants to see us.
He is pi'yassed! Train's moving, people.
Big party this Friday to launch our new line.
Crate & Crockery kids Adults.
Products for men and women who have families, but still want to be kids.
Blackjack chaging tables.
Race car beds.
Adult-onesies.
Feetie pajamas with a trapdoor.
Oh, my wife she loves that trapdoor.
Hey, is that a new photo of Barb? She's looking sweet! The heavy lifting was done.
All we needed was the slogan.
And what did Dale come up with? Adultolescence.
23 letters -- that's not a word.
That's a wheel of fortune.
And it tested right through the floor.
We now have five days to come up with a new tagline.
So let's go! Move! Cooper.
Eddie.
Hang back a sec.
[ Indistinct talking .]
[ Chuckles .]
You saw them.
There is no way that cluster of idiots is gonna come up with a damn thing.
At least they're all refreshed from not working like we did, Hank.
You see, Cooper here took the initiative.
Drove out to my lake house last night to brainstorm, and we sure could have used you, Eddie.
[ Chuckles .]
Last night, uh Last night, I was at a Greek restaurant with the fam.
Dale really crapped the bed on this one.
But I am counting on you guys to change the sheets.
I got your back, Hank.
All right? I got your back, too, Ha I'll just close the door.
- Stevie: What time is this meeting? - Ooh, is that the Greek goddess? Tommy: Yeah, that's Zoe.
I took her home from the wedding, and now she wants me to take her everywhere.
It's like my dick stepped in gum.
Wish my dick stepped in stuff.
We talking like stage-five or "Wedding crashers.
" Stage-five clinger? - Whatever.
- Are you serious? I'll add it to the queue.
Ahh, the Goldstein party crashed the monitor again.
Reinstall the system software.
Roxie I'm not your assistant anymore.
I'll still housesit for you, and I'll get you those Cuban cigars that you like so much, but other than that I want more responsibility.
Sweetie, no one handed me this empire.
I went out and I built it myself.
Event planning was more than just a job.
It was my pilates, my pole-dancing class, my Saint Tropez, and my mistress.
If you want more responsibility, I need to see the passion.
- Passion? - For our clients.
Now, in the meantime, be a doll and break in my new Jimmy Choos for me, okay? I'll leave them right here.
But right now, my junior event planner and I have a meeting.
Baklava, anyone? Stop looking at me.
Playing events might be a weekend "escape" for you, but it is a job.
Tommy: Okay, the baklava was a mistake.
But I would like to think that what happened before that was unintoxicated genius.
You need to mature up.
I got you a corporate event.
And that's not some office Christmas party [chuckling.]
where staffers hook up on xerox machines.
No, they want Buckingham Palace level professionalism.
This software was supposed to work.
It's a product launch for Crate & Crockery kids Adults.
Ugh.
We can't do that event.
Roxie, I work there, and I'm helping out with that launch, so Get a sub.
- We don't do outsourcing.
- It's fine.
Just tell your boss.
I'm not telling Henderson I'm in a band.
Henderson doesn't know you're in a band? How long have you worked up there? Henderson is old-school, all right? He finds out I'm rocking out on weekends, then I'm tagged, like, "unpromotable.
" You know? It's fine.
We're gonna help him come out.
- Okay? - I'm not coming out.
- No, you're coming out.
- Stop saying that.
[ Chanting "come out" .]
- Yeah, we'll get you out there! - This is the maturity that I was talking about.
So, you make a decision, or I will.
And, um, get your foot off my table.
º Early in the morning ⺠⺠rising to the street ⺠⺠light me up that cigarette ⺠⺠and I'll &trap shoes on my feet ⺠⺠got to find a reason ⺠⺠a reason things went wrong ⺠⺠got to find a reason why my money's all gone ⺠He's your plan? How's he gonna get Eddie to play the event? He's annoying.
It's the whole point.
We want to make Eddie crazy.
º loving ⺠⺠is what I got ⺠⺠I said, remember that ⺠⺠loving is what I got ⺠Hey, let's take five.
So good.
Whoo! It really is.
You step right in, and you're killing it.
- You guys found a fill-in? - Isn't he awesome? - Doing so good.
- He's mouthing the solos.
- Was he really? - Yeah.
- I didn't even notice.
- Yeah, he's kind of he's a mouther.
Hey, man.
What's up, man? Barry and I were talking.
- What about going with two guitarists? - Yeah, you know, making this a permanent thing.
Yeah.
Permanent how? Like, uh, Tommy-and-the-clinger permanent? Tommy: Well played.
- Well coached.
That was good.
- Uh, Tommy, is your clinger taking a shower in my kitchen? Is she using wet naps? That's probably why she smells so good.
Must be.
Can you please talk to your boss? Because this is ridiculous.
Come on, the timing sucks.
This Cooper guy, he's a total backdoor bragger.
You know, he's always showing off but couching it in modesties.
I hate guys like that.
Kenny G.
is the worst at that.
Wait, did you just front-door brag about knowing Kenny G.
? 'Cause I've lost all respect for you.
I don't understand why you are being so selfish.
What you have is a gift.
The fact that you wouldn't want to share that with your brothers in cubicles, instead of them thinking you're some schnook I don't understand it.
An average nobody who gets to live the rest of my life as a schnook? Is that a quote? Both: "Goodfellas.
" - Are you serious? - Gonna add it to the queue.
You know what? Hey, hey, hey.
I'll go talk to Henderson.
- Please talk to him.
- I will.
- Like, for real.
- Because you said last time that you would - Hey.
Tommy.
- and then you did something different.
Where'd you say Zoe's from? - I don't know.
- Okay.
Uh, I'm just saying, she bathes with wet naps, shoveling down corn flakes from a box.
Address unknown.
I don't know, dude.
I'd say you're dating a homeless hottie.
A homeless hottie.
That's ridiculous.
There's no way somebody that hot could be homeless.
I think you're jealous.
I think you're jealous.
[ Laughs .]
If you let me plan your two pines life-insurance event, there will be a theme.
Not only will you have tables, you will have actuarial tables.
I'm impressed, Rachel.
[ Chuckles .]
Not just with the amount of work you've done.
- How'd you find this place? - I heard that you're a cabaret fan.
I just found the name in my boss's contacts.
Woman: It's hot in here tonight.
[ Glasses clink .]
Or maybe it's just me.
Oh, my Buddha.
That would be my boss.
⺠I told y'all mother, what? ⺠⺠y'all can't stop me now ⺠⺠listen to me now ⺠⺠I'm lasting 20 rounds ⺠⺠and if you want me, people ⺠Is she coming over here? ⺠is you with me now? ⺠⺠then biggy, biggy bounce ⺠⺠I know you dig the way I switch, switch, switch my style ⺠⺠Holla! ⺠⺠well, people sing around ⺠⺠now people gather 'round ⺠⺠now people jump around ⺠⺠get your freak on ⺠⺠get your freak on ⺠⺠well, get your, get your, get your, get your, get your freak on ⺠⺠get your, get your, get your, get your, get your freak on ⺠⺠Ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh ⺠[ applause .]
Sorry about your tie.
It's fine.
Hank: Get the hell out of my office.
Hank The cluster rolled snake eyes.
You think if I fired one of them, the rest would follow? Hank, there's something I need to talk to you about.
Tell me that you cracked the slogan.
I'm so close on a few.
The results from your drug test are back.
You're clean.
[ Laughs .]
God, you had me for a second, 'cause You're also pregnant.
What? That'sImpossible.
Ra Oh, my God.
Oh, it's just a mix-up at the lab.
- Happens every once in a while.
- Yeah, totally.
Labs are crazy.
- Of course you'll have to take the test again.
- Of course I will.
I love drug tests.
Look, about last Sunday I wasn't really out with the fam Hank.
I can't remember.
Your hero Carl Yastrzemski, right? Yaz? Well 'Cause I got these two tickets skybox that I gotta use.
- You know, Mariners, Red Sox.
- It would be so nice to stretch out and, uh, knock off that slogan.
- Yep.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, Eddie.
What were you saying about Sunday? I was checking out that band we hired for the launch event, and, uh, they rock, like, hard, but maybe we should consider someone a little more corporate friendly.
You know, I was supposed to meet that band in about an hour with Barb.
You go instead.
Help her plan the party.
- I don't think that's a.
.
- Good work, Eddie.
You play your cards right wit Barb, and Whoo! And then what? [ Coughs .]
Uh, I gotta go get the mail.
- Okay.
- All right? Be right back.
Reg.
Hey, uh I need your help.
You know the girl that's been crashing with me? You mean the swimsuit model who's always taking cans out of the recycling? Yeah.
Um, I have a problem.
I can't get her to leave.
Not seeing how that's a problem.
She's like a rescue.
I don't have the heart to kick her out, but I was thinking Maybe if she thought that you were kicking me out You want me to pretend to evict you? Yes.
But you got to really sell it.
Okay? Thank you.
Didn't you get the mail? I didn't.
Um Golly.
Mailman died.
- Ugh.
- Yeah.
That sucks.
Happens all the time.
Mm.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Sorry, Eddie.
[ Knock on door .]
Reggie: Tommy! Open up! It's the landlord! Hold on.
Half an hour, please! Hour.
One hour, please.
[ Door opens .]
Listen, you're way behind on your rent -- and I hope that's not your sister.
No.
Not my sister.
Friend.
Zoe's a friend of mine.
- Girlfriend.
- Well Well, your lease stipulates that unregistered girlfriends are a violation.
Reg, have a heart.
Are you kidding? She has no place else to go.
Or do you? I mean, any place in Seattle? Home is where the heart is.
- Home is where the - and right now, it's here.
Here.
Okay? And you know what? If you're gon throw her out, Reg, then you're throwing me out, too.
Fine.
Sign here.
Fine.
Yeah, get your stuff together.
Very good.
You sold that very well.
Thank you for that.
Well, the acting was fake, but the eviction notice is for real.
Between the loud music and the louder women, I've wanted you out of here for years.
You got 24 hours.
[ Clicks tongue .]
Um, I didn't get a chance to really read that, though.
Stevie: So, now you're both homeless.
[ Chuckles .]
- Sorry, dude.
- No.
She's not homeless.
Dude, she just got that peach out of the trash.
Oh, Barry, are you sure she didn't drop the peach on the floor and then pick it up and eat it? Did you see it come out of the trash? - I don't remember.
- You know what that makes you, right? You're the hot homeless couple.
[ Laughter .]
Barb.
You're here.
Eddie, why are you here? [ Stammers .]
Hank didn't call you.
Oh, well, uh, he wants us to work on the event together.
[ Cellphone chimes .]
Oh, he didn't have the guts to call me, so he e-pussed out.
"Per Eddie, don't trust band.
" [ Elevator dings .]
[ Scoffs .]
Let's go take it out on these suckers.
Uh-oh.
This must be the band, huh? You must be Tommy? Uh, no, I'm Tommy.
Barb Henderson.
This is my husband's attempt at getting off wife detail.
Eddie.
Nice to meet you.
- [ Quietly .]
For the first time.
- Yeah.
You look very familiar.
[ Exhales sharply .]
Get it all the time.
Yeah.
He looks like my estranged brother.
Uh, no, guy you're thinking about usually sits on this side of the table Barry.
Couldn't be him, could it? [ Laughs .]
[ Chuckles nervously .]
Eddie's done some homework on you guys.
And quite honestly, he's raised some flags.
Oh, no.
What, uh, what kind of flags? Roxie: Hello! Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
- Awkward.
- Oh, my.
Roxie, I see you're wearing my one-of-a-kind pantsuit.
Well, you know, I am.
Oh, you just look fan-freaking-tabulous.
Oh, please.
So do you.
Oh, but there's just a little something different about you.
I can't place it.
What is it? I've had some work done.
Well, not Botox, because that I can always tell.
[ Laughs .]
No, it's a lot lower than that.
A tummy tuck? Mm, lower than that.
No, you did not.
Yes, I did.
I had a rejuvie.
Aah! There.
I said it.
- Oh.
Look out.
- Now, that is a secret, Eddie.
Do not tell Hank.
It's my latest attempt to get him to work more from home.
Maybe we should sidebar the whole conversation.
- Great idea.
- Oh, you're such a prude.
It's no different than women feeling each other's boob jobs.
It's a little different.
Well, I am just as tight and pristine as a souvenir coin purse, and I couldn't be happier.
And I think it has added at least 10 more years to the life of the car.
Well, next year, you can just get yourself a new bumper! Oh! You are so much fun.
Flags, really? Thanks, Eddie.
I think we can all agree I'm not at my best right now, probably because I failed my drug test.
- How could you fail your drug test? - It came back pregnant.
What? Pregnant? That means that Rachel's You think she knows? We gotta tell her.
Look, I'm the one that made her pee in a wine glass, all right, so I'll tell her.
I'm not gonna do it here, though.
It just doesn't seem right.
I mean, thiss, you know it's work.
Hey.
When are you gonna come clean to Henderson? I'm not.
Yeah, I got stuck planning this party, and that night I'm gonna have to spend it mingling with my coworkers.
We could change up the offense, man.
We could do a wildcat.
We could have two quarterbacks.
I'm on the stage.
You're on the dance floor.
Pull you up on stage, we hand you the guitar, you have your "I am iron man" moment.
Be the talk of the office.
Everybody talking about you.
This is not some Greek wedding where we can act like hooligans and just dance around and have fun, okay? This is my career, and it has consequences.
So, please, just leave it, all right? Very serious.
[ Dog barks .]
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Yep.
Oh, you hanging some of Janie's art? Oh! Sorry.
They're crime-scene photos.
Do my best work in the kitchen.
After she reads the kids their bedtime stories.
I just can't figure out how this head got so far from the body.
Maybe it was intentional.
Huh.
Hey, what's all this? Oh, just slogans I'm working on.
- Sorry.
- Oh, no, no, no.
So, listen, man, I just dropped by to see what's up, you know? And to see that You know, in every band, all right, there's always a guy all the band members know they can talk to.
Thanks, man.
Plus, it can't be easy, this whole, uh, Clark Kent/Superman thing you got going on.
I'm doing okay.
You know, handling it.
Sorry.
Two place' same time it's not really your strong suit, honey.
- Thanks, babe.
- I love you.
Look, Clark Kent, the reason he can make it through his day is 'cause he knows he's gonna kick some ass at night.
All right? For you, music is your kick-ass, son.
That's your release! It makes you a better father, husband Marketing wizard.
But you guys just don't know the pressure I'm under.
Maybe not.
But I think Tommy's just trying to get you to realize you don't have to be one or the other.
[ Stammers .]
The killer is left-handed.
Why crash at Barry's? I'm sure Eddie would put you up, and Zoe.
No.
No, no, no.
He's got the whole launch party.
I don't want to burden him.
Zoe has got great cardboard penmanship.
You know, from writing all those "will work for" Signs.
I'm not really sure what that means, Barry.
- I've had a weird week.
- Me too.
I still haven't recovered from seeing roxie's act.
- From what? - Oh, nothing.
It's nothing.
- I don't think I'm allowed to discuss it.
- What act? Sorry? Roxie does cabaret.
With elements of torch.
That's genius.
- We're going.
- No! I've been.
I'm not going again.
I've seen things I cannot unsee.
Well, now you're overselling it, and we're going.
º He likes to put her on his lap ⺠⺠and stroke her till she purrs ⺠⺠Didn't know love could be like that ⺠Oh, my God, this is the greatest day of my life.
There's no way you could oversell this.
âºnaughty ⺠⺠But frankly in the end ⺠⺠pussy is the best friend ⺠⺠a boy could ever have ⺠I'm gonna come here every Thursday night.
I am.
I'm bringing the guys, though, one at a time.
That way I can stretch this whole experience out.
º Here, pussy ⺠⺠here, pussy, come ⺠⺠stay, pussy ⺠You okay? You look sick.
º play, pussy ⺠I think I am experiencing post-roxie stress disorder.
º Here, pussy ⺠⺠here, pussy, come ⺠⺠stay, pussy ⺠⺠play, pussy ⺠⺠come, pussy ⺠⺠come ⺠I love this.
I love it.
You know what I love? I love that I know this.
I mean, this is you had me going with the whole maturity kick.
And that's that is done.
That is -- it is.
I know you now.
I know who you are.
You know, this whole dirty act you should put kinky on a leash.
I mean, you should take it out for a walk every once in a while.
Kinky? [ Laughs .]
What? - You thought that was kinky? - Yeah.
Oh, you are such a boy.
Well, you wouldn't tell your clients about it, would you? I have nothing to hide.
I am an event planner.
Everything I do during the day is for somebody else.
This is for me.
That is exactly what I told Eddie -- that he has nothing to worry about.
Almost word for word.
Totally different.
- He has a boss.
I am the boss.
- Yeah.
An office is an office, right? And what would you know about working in an office? Maybe you should try walking in Eddie's shoes sometime.
I'm glad we're doing this.
How come you guys never visit me at my work? You work at the guitar pit.
Hey, guys, this area's off-limits to interns, yo.
We're, um, looking for Mr.
Wilson's cubicle -- Eddie? Edward? Yeah, well, his desk is right in there.
I gave him that office because the Donald told me that confined spaces - makes you hungrier.
- Hmm.
Backdoor brag.
- You must be Cooper.
- Yeah, how'd you know? Nice cat calendar.
Aw.
I got him that for Christmas.
Oh.
Check it out.
Check it out.
These must be the launch slogans he's been busting his ass on.
- The launch slogans for what? - Just because you don't ask him about his day at work doesn't mean I don't ask him.
That's not true.
I ask him about his day at work.
What are you -- new band wife or something? [ Chuckling .]
I'm just saying, he'd probably just appreciate if you showed a little interest.
I show interest in what he does.
I like this one.
Look at that.
"I'll never grow up!" It's good, right? I mean, it has, like, energy to it, even with the red through it.
I don't like the font.
It's like not enough "kids," not enough "adult.
" He just needs to go for it, you know? What are you, like the font master? Font master flex? Hey, band.
Hello.
What are you guys up to? Looking for Eddie.
We were talking about this show, the big thing, and the lighting, and the pyrotechnics, and we couldn't find them.
- So we're, um, cleaning.
- I can't find Hank, either.
It's the only reason I agreed to do this launch.
Work was always the, uh, one place we could get time together.
Oh, that's nice.
Is that how you guys met? You had a little interoffice romance? At the office Christmas party.
[ Giggles .]
We hooked up on the Xerox machine.
- Legendary.
- Wow.
Ahh.
- And I still have some of those copies.
- Tommy: Do you? Hey.
- Make yourself at home, Cooper.
- Well, work is home.
Oh.
This look familiar? No.
You pulled it out of your pocket and planted it on my desk.
It's sugar.
Just testing you.
My mailroom contact tipped me off and said you're retaking your drug test.
My only guess is that it has something to do with those three guys that came in here.
What three guys? What? The cool, good-looking one, the one who's still trying to rock a mop cut, and the, um African-American.
They're actually here.
[ Chuckles .]
Right.
Of co I scheduled that because that's the band playing the launch party tonight.
They just stopped by to go over the set list.
Oh.
Um, I still think you're hiding something, and I'm gonna find you out.
Okay? Hey.
Um, this is the video -- visuals for the screens.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cool.
You know what you're doing with this, right? This is under 23 megabytes, right? I'm just kidding.
You're fine.
- Yeah? - It's good.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles .]
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's up? Heard you stopped by my office today.
I did.
I did.
Yeah.
You know what? You're right.
It is about time that I learned what it is that you do.
That's great.
Did you have to do it on the day of my launch event? You know, kind of all over Cooper's radar now.
I met him, by the way, and you were -- you were right about him.
- Did he unholster the pistols? - No, he didn't.
- He didn't.
He had a lot of "yos.
" - Yes.
He loves the "yos.
" Very hip-hop.
He's really, really hip-hop.
Listen, we're not gonna blow your cover on this thing.
Okay.
Everything's fine.
Hey.
We brought your, uh, you know, just in case you changed your mind, you know? - Name's on the case.
Cover blown.
- That's an oversight - That should have been caught by somebody.
- Oversight.
Kind of like you neglecting to tell me that you got evicted from your apartment.
I didn't want to burden you, okay? I know how stressed out you've been about this whole thing.
Okay, just tell me you and Zoe aren't, like, staying in a shelter.
We're not staying in a shelter.
- I'm staying at Barry's.
- Barry lives in a shelter.
- Barry doesn't live in a shelter.
- Dude, come on, just listen.
I'll talk to Ingrid about you staying at my place.
But tonight, behave.
What do we do? We deliver.
We deliver for our clients, right? Tonight the client is you.
[ "What I got" plays .]
[ Cheers and applause .]
⺠Life is too short ⺠⺠so love the one you got ⺠⺠'cause you might get run over or you might get shot ⺠⺠never start static, I just get it off my chest ⺠⺠never had to battle with no bulletproof vest ⺠⺠Take a small example, take a tip from me ⺠⺠take all your money, give it all to charity ⺠⺠love is what I got, it's within my reach ⺠You know how when we play an event, you tell us to make sure - there are no surprises for the client? - Yes.
Of course.
I think I know where this is going.
Yeah, you know, tonight it's really on you to make sure there are none.
Okay? You know, that's what we're paying you for.
All right, well, you enjoy tonight, then, because tomorrow I own your soul.
º Lovin' ⺠⺠is what I got ⺠⺠I said remember that ⺠⺠Lovin' ⺠⺠is what I got ⺠[ cheers and applause .]
Look at him.
He's mingling his ass off out there.
Exactly.
Hey.
Eddie Wilson.
Think he's gonna score that guy's business card? That's impressive.
I couldn't do that.
I couldn't do what he does.
It looks good on him, though.
"Happy gilmore," right? Uh, "caddyshack," but you're on the green.
Ah.
Look who else is, uh, working it.
10 bucks says he does the executive hair flip.
Oh, man.
Dude's got the entire midwest sales team just eating out of his hand.
Well, you know what? Let's do it.
Let's go fantasy draft.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Who you got? I'm going big dog.
Eddie's boss.
- A bit riskyl right? - I know.
If I can get him to lighten up, the rest will follow suit.
I want Cooper.
Look who decided to get in the game.
You gotta stick to him.
You gotta make sure that he is not the life of this party.
- Can you do that? - Yeah.
Hell yeah.
I love you guys.
Keep it together, mouther.
We're doing this for Eddie.
Guys We need to make sure that he is the mvp tonight.
[ Imitating explosion .]
Let's do it.
[ Pops lips .]
Yeah.
My uncle came up with the dollar bit on "price is right".
- Really? - Yeah! Can't really make money off of it, sure Can I get one of those sippy, uh, sip beers? I'm sorry.
I'm not interrupting - Pretty good underbidders.
No.
It's a hell of a party.
Hell of a party you're throwing.
You guys really know how to play a crowd.
- It's important to know your audience, right? - It certainly is.
- I'm Hank.
- How are you, Hank? Tommy.
Good to meet you.
You know, I used to play in a band, too.
Marching band, I'm guessing.
[ Laughs .]
Clarinet.
Woodwinds? - Somewhere in the woodwind family.
- Oh, woodwinds my ass! - Hank, I'm telling you.
I can feel it.
- Come on! I tickled the ivories, blew the sax.
But I gotta tell you the one thing that I really regret never learned the guitar.
Really? That's strange.
I mean, you seem like you could have done anything you wanted to.
- What happened? - Oh, just career, marriage Kids.
Grow up fast.
Right.
Kids -- kids grow up fast, you mean? Actually, I was talking about myself.
You know what's weird about that? What's the Who's the tall guy? Your party planner.
- Eddie.
- Eddie.
Said, I swear, almost the exact same thing to me.
Hank.
Tommy, right? - Hey.
Yeah.
- I have a second with you? Sure.
Sure.
Sorry, Hank.
- Nice to meet you, Tommy.
- Hey, good to meet you also, Hank.
- What a nice guy.
- You're running a draft at my event? - You pick Henderson? - Walk it off, okay? - You walk it off.
- No.
Walk it off.
- No, you walk it off.
- Okay, you know what? Everything is fine, all right? It's all good.
No, don't say it's all good.
Every time you say it's all good, it's all bad.
- Eddie, it is all good.
- No, it's all bad, man.
- Settle yourself down.
- Now it's all bad.
I mean it, man.
These Feetie PJ's are really comfy.
We should go find some in your size.
Okay, hey, you know what? I'm not really comfortable with you all up in my shizz.
Okay? So why don't you just go hang with your band? They're not really my band.
Damn it! I mean, yes, they are.
Because I'm filling in for a guy.
A guy who's got a work conflict.
Ah, damn it! Okay.
What guy? Um, I don't know.
I don't remember his name.
I think it was foreign.
You mean Eddie.
Eddie? Like, "the guy running this party" Eddie? Yeah.
Guitar's right up there.
Band was hoping he'd play a song.
Okay, all right.
Thank you.
Hank! Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? - What? - Man: And now our C.
E.
O.
, Hank Henderson! [ Cheers and applause .]
I want to thank you all for a successful launch of Crate & Crockery kids adults.
[ Cheers and applause .]
I especially want to thank my lovely wife, Barb, for putting on this spectacular event.
And now to celebrate the spirit of our new line, I give you a slogan that captures it all! "I'll never grow up"? What the hell? That's not what [ cheers and applause .]
I like this new one better.
"I'll never grow up!" [ Cheers and applause .]
That's my slogan.
Well, you've officially made the world a better place for adult onesies.
You don't get it.
I never handed it in.
That jackass stole my slogan.
Hank: Before I turn you over to the band, I have to tell yo that I have received some very shocking news.
It appears that one of our execs has been keeping a secret from us.
It turns out that he is a kick-ass guitarist! [ Scattered applause .]
Cooper, come on up here! [ Cheers and applause .]
Well Cooper? [ Chuckling .]
No, I'm not much for the spotlight.
You know, tonight is about the launch -- not about yours truly.
So Well, slash did take the time to give me some lessons, so Hope I make him proud.
Slash? Let's do this.
[ Cheers and applause .]
That is my guitar.
[ "I don't want to grow up" plays .]
⺠When I'm lying in my bed at night ⺠⺠I don't want to grow up ⺠⺠Nothing ever seems to turn out right ⺠⺠and I don't want to grow up ⺠⺠How do you move in a world of fog ⺠⺠that's always changing things? º ⺠Makes me wish that I could be a dog ⺠⺠When I see the price that you pay ⺠⺠I don't want to grow up ⺠⺠I don't ever want to be that way ⺠They're not that bad.
Huh? º Seems like folks turn into things they never want ⺠⺠the only thing to live for is today ⺠Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie! ⺠Gonna put a hole in my TV set ⺠⺠I don't want to grow up ⺠⺠Open up the medicine chest ⺠⺠I don't want to grow up ⺠⺠I on't wanna have to shout it out ⺠Get your paws off my Les Paul! [ Guitar screeching .]
Aaaah! [ Crowd murmuring .]
Way to stick your pecker in my launch, Eddie.
You know, I'd expect that from the cluster.
But you're the most reliable guy I've got.
I'm really sorry, Mr.
Henderson.
I don't know what came over me.
I do.
Um, raging hormones, sudden mood swings yeah, kind of explains the whole pregnancy on the drug test, doesn't it? How do you know about his drug test? Hank, sorry, that's my fault.
- Tommy, stop it.
- No, I got this, Eddie.
Uh, the guitar that Cooper was playing on stage that's actually Eddie's guitar.
That's your '72 les Paul custom? In the tobacco sunburst finish? I'm lead guitar.
This is my brother Barry.
He plays drums.
Stevie shreds it on the bass and a lot of other instruments.
Think you've already met Tommy.
Oh, yeah, and that's mouther back there.
He's just filling in.
Nice job, man.
We rock it as a wedding band.
Well, why haven't you ned this before? See, that's my fault, also.
I'm the one that convinced Eddie that he should keep it a secret.
See, I assumed that you were one of those stuffed suits, sitting in the mirror-window building.
See, you come off that way sometimes, hon.
- You do.
- I'm sorry.
But then we got to know each other at the bar, and, uh, I realized that you're not just some schnook.
That's how you see me? As an average nobody who gets to live the rest of his life as a schnook? [ All talking and laughing .]
[ Laughs .]
"Married to the mob.
" Ugh.
"Goodfellas.
" Idiot.
I don't know how you do it, Eddie.
I don't know how you balance work, family, and still have time to be a weekend rocker.
You gotta have a passion.
Right? Damn straight you do.
And never grow up.
Thanks a lot for stealing my slogan.
Oh.
No, Eddie.
That wasn't me, man.
- It wasn't.
- No, it was us.
Yeah, no, we found it in your office.
Yeah, and I did the font.
- Nice work, Eddie.
- Hank, why don't we go see if we can find one of those, uh, race car beds? [ Clears throat .]
See you boys later.
Pshoo! Pshoo-pshoo! Pshoo! [ Chuckles .]
I think it'd be nice if you hire us as consultants, maybe, to start.
You should probably stay out of my workplace from now on.
So you helped plant that slogan, didn't you, Rachel? You said you wanted to see passion.
Mm.
That's how far I'd go for a client.
[ Laughs .]
That's interesting.
Where would you draw the line, then? Would it be sleeping with a client? You know, Rachel, you know why I am so hard on you? Because I see you as partner material at someday.
- Really? - I said "someday.
" Not tomorrow.
Why do you think I had you walking in my shoes? Metaphor.
Anyone seen Zoe? She hasn't clung to me all night.
Yeah, I figured I owed you, so I found her a new home.
Cooper: Hey, Eddie.
- Let's jam sometime.
Huh, baby? [ Chuckles .]
- Sorry.
Eddie: Totally.
Is it weird that I'm gonna miss her? Hey, look, there's the mouther.
All right.
Hey, man, listen, you can stay with Ingrid and I as long as you want, all right? No, I'm good, actually.
- Hank set me up.
- My boss? Yeah, he had this loft that he used as, like, a man cave, and I guess now that his wife got the rejuvie, he's gonna do a little more work from home.
Why am I not surprised? The dude abides.
"The Big Lebowski"! - You nailed it.
- Nice.
- Yeah, see? - Hey, man.
[ Sighs .]
Time to do the responsible thing.
[ Clears throat .]
Tommy: Rach? Hmm? - Can I talk to you? - Okay.
You know how You know how the best things in life are never really planned, but then - turn out to be the greatest gift? - Are we on "Oprah" right now? No.
According to Eddie's urine test, uh, you're pregnant.
[ Gasps .]
No, I know.
It's an emotional thing.
And sometimes, you know, sometimes people [ Laughs .]
- I can't - Sometimes they laugh.
No, I -- that wasn't my sample.
I got that from a pregnant woman at the reek wedding, 'cause I knew it would be clean.
I actually like to twist a fattie.
Like to get Dankenstein.
- I like the goshe - No, I got it.
You, uh, okay.
Eddie: You are such an ass, right? You're on the waterfront.
I mean, mermaids are probably gonna hop up on your deck - and just sun themselves.
- This place could suck.
No! It's not gonna suck.
No, you know, I've learned that.
That's impossible.
For you, it always works out.
For me, I gotta get another drug test.
My life isn't all gumdrops and lollipops all the time.
- It kind of is.
- It's not.
I have my moments, too.
Hey.
Are you guys the new neighbors? - This guy.
- I just baked these.
- Do you guys want to try some? - Don't mind if I do.
- Sweet.
- Go easy, tiger.
- They're filled with Afghan kush.
- Blech! I'm kind of in the business.
This is not one of those moments.