Welcome to Flatch (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

Whoever started this whole generation thing with X was a total idiot.
- Yeah, I mean, like, we're already at Z.
- Yeah.
So what happens after us? Do they go to AA? What the Whoo.
Hey, peeps! What are my two crazy amigos up to? No one says peeps anymore, dude, okay? Except on Easter.
You like? It's new.
No.
Oh, it's a little flashy for my taste, so I'm calling it Draco, not after Harry Potter's foil.
I knew you would go there, but after my favorite constellation, Draco the Dragon, is circumpolar No one cares.
How did you get it anyway? I saw a wallet lying on the street, like it was waiting for me.
It's what I like to call a serendipitous moment.
And you stole money from the wallet and you bought a moped? No, I found the concerned gentleman who owned it, and as a reward he gave me $200 and this moped that he had lying around.
I even got featured in The Sweet Spot in the Patriot.
I'm like a Flatch celebrity.
I'm surprised you haven't heard.
- I'm sorry okay.
- Uh-huh.
You're telling me that you got a moped and 200 bucks - because you returned a wallet? - Mm-hmm.
We need to find a lost wallet.
- Right now.
- Is that a wallet? Go that way.
I like your place.
It really screams you.
You read my paper? Yeah, I like to check out the competition in more ways than one.
But that new column about good news, um, what's it called? The Sweet Place? - The Sweet Spot.
- Yes.
It's human interest fluff.
Unless people are giving in to their basest animal instincts, no one cares.
- People need positive news in their lives.
- Oh, positive? You mean the kid who took advantage of an elderly by swindling money and a moped out of him? How can you be so cynical? And how can you be so naive? Optimistic.
Potato/potahto.
Oh, it's potato.
That was kind of weird, but kind of hot too.
We kissed, but he was so mean, but it was hot.
Yeah, definitely hot.
Hey, everyone.
Tickets for the meat raffle don't go on sale till tomorrow.
We're here for the assistant position.
Assistant? Christine Cradle at the Suit Shack said that you need an assistant.
Huh.
I off-handedly mentioned to Christine, while buying a suit jacket, that I wish I had a bit more help around the church.
I guess in a small town, there's no such thing as minister-salesperson confidentiality, but I am excited.
I'm getting an employee.
This opens up a whole new world for me.
Holiday gift exchanges will be a lot more surprising, for one.
I'm the boss.
So we didn't find any lost wallets yesterday.
So on to Plan B.
Ah, dude, do we have to deliver these all the way to Len's house? I mean, can't we just, like, leave them here and just, like, tell him where to find them? Shut up, delivering them was the deal, okay? And Len was the only one to take us up on our good-deeds offer.
I'm just tired.
Flatch has, like, all these charities to help people.
There's soup for the old, which is kind of, like, ageist, you know? Then there's take a neck brace, leave a neck brace.
There's one that, like, fills in holes, because people don't know how to look where they walk.
Anyways, they're all pretty lame.
And this way we keep the proceeds, like, we're the charity.
Yeah.
Oh, dude, it's Beth.
Come on, hurry.
Maybe she won't see us.
Sup, Beth? You look fire.
Yeah, Beth and I have been hanging out for, like, two weeks.
Um, mainly just walking, um, get my steps in.
We don't talk a lot, but mystery is in the silences.
Ew.
What is that? Come on! Um, I Oh, my God, dude, did you just see that? Dude, Beth just side hugged me.
What does that mean, dude? Like, do you think we're, like, officially a thing? Who cares, okay? I need you to focus, like Oh, my God.
Hey, guys.
What are you up to? We are delivering Len's groceries.
He gave us a list.
We shop and deliver.
Just one of our good deeds for the day.
Well, that is very nice of you.
Thanks, we're all about doing the right thing.
I was inspired by Kelly and Shrub today, which is a change, because they mostly inspire worry.
And so I hired Blind Billy.
He seems like a smart, capable guy, and it's a privilege to offer opportunities to those who often get overlooked.
You have no idea how many people can't look past my blindness.
I'm so far past it, I can't even see it at all.
Was that offensive? That was actionable.
Oh, my gosh.
I am so sorry.
I'm just roasting you, padre.
.
Oh, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha I hired Blind Billy to work out at my farm, because he said he was a hard worker and good with his hands.
He was good with his hands all right.
He's got one of my daughters pregnant and the other one keeps writing him letters.
I hired Blind Billy as a tour guide.
He claimed he knew the history of Flatch like the back of his hand, but then I caught him reciting the theme song to Gilligan's Island like it really happened here.
It didn't.
It's a TV show.
- Hey! - Hi, Len, as promised! Also, we went paper on the bags, so recyclable.
Double good deed.
But where the hell is the rest of my food? Should be in there.
Mm-hmm.
You ate them.
I can smell my vinegar chips on your breath.
I have the metabolism of a hummingbird, okay? So I have to keep refueling.
Okay, reward time.
Now Mickey was recently gifted a moped, you know, in terms of compensation You're welcome! Day two, and things are going really well with Blind Billy.
Sure, I've had to make a few accommodations, but more than happy to.
Blind Billy is now free to roam without fear or sharp corners, like Jesus in the Judaean Desert, except there's no temptation here, unless you count my secret candy drawer.
No big deal.
You can't just sneak up on me like that.
I'm blind! My other senses are heightened.
You could have killed me with a touch like that.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't be listening to headphones while the phone is ringing.
And how do you expect me to read a book? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm blind.
So if you'll excuse me Maybe you shouldn't be reading while you're Okay.
It's important to me that people don't look at me and just see my disability.
I don't want the first thing they say to be, "There goes that blind guy.
" I want them to think, "There goes that [BLEEP.]
who happens to be blind.
" - Hey.
- Oh, hey, what's up? I need your help choosing the book for the next book club.
It's Father Joe's turn, and I just can't with him.
How many Agatha Christies am I expected to read? Oh, I know.
He loves those, but I'm actually gonna miss tomorrow's book club meeting because I have a date with Jimmy again.
Ladies, am I invisible? I'm on the phone, like Okay, sorry, what were you saying? So you like him? No.
Yes.
I don't know, maybe.
Oh, it's so weird.
We have this bantery thing, which is kind of sexy, but then it stops being bantery and starts getting fighty.
Oh, yeah.
You two wrestle? No.
Well, we do wrestle with our minds, which is kind of invigorating, mainly.
I mean, Joe and I, I was always the alpha, but with Jimmy it's kind of like we're two rival debate captains stuffed in a sack clawing it out.
That doesn't sound sexy.
- Hey there, Shrub.
- Why are you working outside? Oh, I'm just giving Blind Billy his space.
Yeah, he meditates every day for an hour, and he says he can smell my presence.
Can I ask you a question real quick? How do you know when a girl - becomes your girlfriend? - Oh, well, that's Because, like, I've been hanging out with Beth for, like, a couple weeks and, like, you know, we've, like, done stuff.
You know, actually, I have a list No, no, please don't read that out loud.
She hugged me, but our fronts did not touch.
She bought me a soda, and she did drink most of it.
Uh, I got cold; she let me borrow her sweater.
I run very cold, but it's good because she runs very hot, if you know what I mean.
But here's the deal, between you and me, - and you can't tell anyone - Okay.
We haven't, like, kissed or anything yet.
Well, that that comes in time.
Yes, but that's, like, a sign that you're in a relationship, right? I don't know.
How did you know that you and Cheryl were together? She told me.
Yeah, that's pretty much how our entire relationship went.
She, uh, she liked to be in control a lot.
Well, Beth hasn't said anything to me yet because she barely talks.
It's actually kind of concerning.
You got to ask her if she's your girlfriend.
And when you do, you just you be honest with your feelings.
Hey! Pipe down out there! Sorry.
So word got out about my good deeds.
Small town news flies faster than a fart in the wind.
So it was only a matter of time, but I got a bunch of dumb stuff for, you know, all the good deeds I've been doing.
Goalie.
Wonder what this opens? Mickey got a moped, right? But today, I'm going after the white whale.
June has a car that she doesn't even drive.
It's just, like, sitting there gathering dust.
This is it, the white whale.
Hi, Junebug! Got your mail from your mailbox so you didn't have to walk all the way down there, long driveway.
Aren't you just the sweetest thing? This girl? You must have heard that my back has been acting up ever since I tried putting in my own deck.
You watch one home makeover show and you think you're Bob Vila.
Turns out, I'm not.
I don't know who that is, but if you need anything else done, I'm happy to help.
Why, yes.
Thank you.
Okay, while we wait for Father Joe, I say we discuss next month's book.
I would love to read the The Duchess and the Stable Boy.
No.
We just read that.
And it was dumb.
I mean, the Duchess was always falling.
Did she have a medical condition? It's called love, Leotha.
She had to fall so the stable boy could catch her.
This is why we need to read the book again because people aren't getting the nuances, clearly.
Len, help me out.
I'm just here for the free food.
Kelly and Shrub, they ate all my good stuff.
Okay, well, I've actually already brought copies of our next book.
Gonna hand them out.
Oh, a little heavy, be careful, right? Here you go.
That's for you.
- This one's for you.
- Baby's First Six Months? Yes, all the mommy blogs give it two diapers up.
I already raised my children.
I don't need no damn book.
Okay, well, I'm really sorry, but I'm a very busy woman.
So if you all want me to stay in this book club, which I think you do, then we're gonna have to read something that's a little more relevant to my current situation.
Also, Chantal keeps chewing on her toes and it's really freaking me out.
Anyways, all in favor of The Duchess and the Stable Boy, say Nay! God, Blind Billy, this is a closed meeting of literary minds.
Then what are you doing here? It's no secret that I hate Blind Billy.
He called animal control on my dog for peeing on his grass, and he should have thanked me because it's the only water his grass has ever seen! I'm not dealing with you, not today, not any day.
You don't have a choice.
I'm Father Joe's assistant, and starting today, the book club is cancelled.
You can't do that.
Just did.
It's discriminatory.
You don't have a wheelchair ramp.
The snacks have nuts.
And that's a nut-allergy time bomb.
And y'all pick lousy books.
Sorry I'm late.
Uh how are my favorite book worms? Blind Billy here just canceled book club.
Can he do that? According to Chapter 4, Section 22 of the Church Bylaws, any activity that discriminates or minimizes another shall be stricken from church property.
- The church has bylaws? - How could you hire him? - Did you not check his references? - Clearly, you never called me.
Okay, listen, just everyone calm down, okay? Why the hell are you wearing a cat bell? It helps Billy locate me.
His idea.
And you know what, if I have to wear this cat bell in order to help, then so be it.
Is it annoying? Yes.
Have I been mistaken for an ice cream truck? Yes.
Have I had two horny cats and one confused dog chase me around Flatch? Yes.
But it's all for the greater good.
I can't believe I got him to wear the bell.
Hey, how is your car running, huh? I could take that off your hands if you ever need it.
Uh, I did not expect to be here this long.
I also didn't expect to find a raccoon skeleton under June's couch.
But it's gonna be worth it, so Kelly, I need your help in here.
Okay.
Don't forget the back.
Heidi from Hair Matters eloped yesterday, threw off my wash schedule.
If I don't get a professional wash every week, my hair starts to look like a curtain after a hurricane.
- Did you say car? - No, I don't think so.
Ah, sounded like you did, you know? But when was the last time you drove your car? Oh, years.
I lost my virginity in that car.
It was the summer of '71.
Tom Jones' "She's a Lady" was playing on the radio, and I was everything but Okay.
I have been thinking all day about what I'm gonna say to Beth.
To break the ice, I'm gonna teach her a few French curse words because that's the language of love.
Then I'm gonna ask her if she's my girlfriend.
And then I'm gonna put my lips on hers.
It's pretty romantic.
- Hey, bro.
- Not now, Mickey.
Can't you see I'm I'm trying to think.
Sorry, bro.
I was just out picking a carrot bouquet for Lady Beth.
She's allergic to flowers.
Isn't that cute? Wait, why are you giving her a carrot bouquet? Well, I've got a surprise for her.
I'm gonna give her half of my reward money so she can pay back her cosmetology school loan.
Then I'm gonna ask her out.
No, dude, you can't ask her out! - Why not, bro? - Because we're dating.
Huh.
Weird.
She never told me that, and she tells me everything.
- Oh! - Well, see you later, bro.
It's on.
Oh, Mickey might have a moped, but guess what? I know every single back way to literally get anywhere in Flatch.
I mean, it might surprise you, I used to get chased a lot as a kid, but look at me now.
- Works.
- Works, okay You know, this is a really pretty color blue, you know? Kind of reminds me of the color of your car, you know the one you never use? I really need to concentrate on the pens right now.
Oh, it doesn't work.
Well, that was the last one.
You have been such a great help today.
Yeah.
And for all your hard work, I have something for you.
Take as many as you'd like.
And there's something else too [BLEEP.]
the white whale.
Okay, June just signed her car over to me! Who needs two wheels when you can have four! Whoo! Okay.
Move, move, move! Oh, my God.
Aw, [BLEEP.]
.
Hi, Shrub! God! God! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey.
Sorry, sons, but you have to go around, truck tipped over, manure everywhere.
It's a literal [BLEEP.]
storm.
You're funny.
He's funny.
- Thanks.
- Hey, Shrub dang it! Hey, nice wheels, Mick.
Thank you, Sheriff.
Thank you, it's new.
- Whoa! - God, Bailey, move! Yes.
Girlfriend Are you my girlfriend? Okay.
Um, can I can I have a glass of water, please? Yeah.
I ran out of gas on the way to Beth's house, and Mr.
Reid picked me up.
He filled my tank.
And I helped him build his fence.
And in return, he gave me this puppy.
Hello.
Guess who's gonna be in The Sweet Spot again? We are.
Huh, he never answers the phone.
Your podiatrist is on line one.
Oh, and I also picked the book for the next book club.
Are you gonna pick it up? - Yes, but where's Blind Billy? - I fired him.
You were never gonna do it, and you're welcome.
Do you have the right to do that? Yeah, according to Chapter 17, Section 4 of the bylaws, anyone annoying can't work here.
- Is that an actual bylaw? - It is now.
We'll discuss my salary when you get off the phone with your foot guy and take off that stupid bell.
Candy.
So I sold June's car for scraps, and I made 100 bucks.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Also, I learned something about myself.
I learned that I don't like to do good deeds, especially when I get nothing for it.
It feels really good to know that about myself.
I learned that life is too short, and you have to just go after what you want.
Like, Beth and I still haven't kissed or anything, but I definitely have a girlfriend.
Well, it looks like I should put myself in The Sweet Spot this week.
I hired Blind Billy because there is nothing more rewarding than giving opportunities to your marginalized neighbors.
Excuse me.
One sec.
Let's go! We don't have all day! Coming!