Wilfred s01e07 Episode Script

Ugh! It must be 90 degrees in here.
Turn on your air conditioning.
Wish I could.
It's broken.
Oh, I guess it's fixed now.
That's so weird.
Okay, you owe me 60 bucks for Aunt Cindy's birthday present.
Sixty bucks? Are you having money problems? No.
Just waiting forfunds to clear.
Ryan, you know that if you need any help, all you have to do is ask.
But you do have to ask.
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Come on, let's just get this overwith.
How much? I don't need your money.
Okay, just call me when you get desperate enough assuming your phone isn't broken.
Bitch! Ahem.
Oh, hey, mate.
I'm going to the mall to get some free AC.
Sounds like a plan.
I'll just finish up here.
Close your eye, Bear.
Oh, that feels so good.
What do you mean it wasn't real? Oh, what, we're having a little cry now, are we? Oh, come on, Bear.
Don't be like that.
You realize what you're doing here is ridiculous, right? Let's just get out of here before the waterworks start up again.
I don't know, Ryan.
Sometimes I get the feeling maybe Bear isn't the one.
Maybe you need to spice things up.
Take Bear to a nice restaurant.
You think? No.
It's a semen-drenched teddy bear.
Ah.
I've got bigger things to worry about.
I pretty much burned through my savings.
I might have to get a job.
Hey.
Jobs are for immigrants.
Why didn't you tell me you were short, mate? What's mine is yours.
Do you forget what we did last night? It's Monopoly.
It's not real money.
How many times do I have to tell you that? One more times.
It's not real money.
Shit! And I was winning until you punched me, grabbed the money, tipped the table and ran.
I keeps a gangster, Ryan.
You knew that about me before we set up the board.
If I don't get a job, I'm gonna have to ask Kristen for money.
There's no way in hell I'm doing that.
That's just stubborn pride.
She's your sister, mate.
She loves you.
Bleed the bitch dry.
I'm not asking for help.
It's too humiliating.
There must be an easierway.
There is.
What the hell? Now we sue.
I am so sorry.
My dog jumped over my seat so You are a horrible driver.
Just give me your insurance card.
Uh Well, hello there.
Nice box.
Between insurance policies? What the hell does that mean? I thought we could work Shut up, here's what's gonna happen.
My assistant is gonna get an estimate.
And you are gonna show up at my office today at exactly 6:15.
You be there with your checkbook or I'll call the cops, drag you into court and sue your nuts off.
You are lucky I'm such a nice person.
Wait, Raffi, give us your digits.
Hey, are you on Facebook? Are you insane? Thanks to you I'm gonna have to pay that woman thousands of dollars.
And thanks to you I'm going to town on the deepest throat in the stuffed animal kingdom.
Now that I've met Raffi, how can I go back to Bear? I mean, sure, Bear put me through obedience school.
Does that mean I have to be unhappy for the rest of my life? If you couldn't see the decline of aluminum futures coming, you're a mental midget! You're done, Michael! Go upstairs, clean out your desk and make it fast! You, crash boy, inside.
You brought your dog, classy.
Sorry, I'm watching him for a friend.
What? Oh, I have had him all week.
You think you would want your child forthe weekend.
Your girlfriend will have someone to watch Thomas The Tank Engine with.
Forty-eight hundred dollars? There's no way I can afford this.
Single mom, Ionely, vulnerable.
Perhaps you have something worth more than money.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about lovemaking so passionate she wakes up with a limp.
Just keep out of this.
You know what, Graham? Forget it.
I'll tell him that you're dead.
Ah.
I'm sorry.
It's just been It's been one of those weeks.
I've had weeks like that.
Months, actually, but those things are temporary.
You're an attractive, successful woman Oh, just write the check and get out.
Beth, like every woman, is a delicate flower.
She may say she wants your money but what she really needs is nurturing, tenderness and a nasty sex-limp.
Thank you.
Did you really mean what you said? You? You find me attractive? Well Yes, of course.
Oh, bullshit.
You probably think I'm a total bitch.
But believe me, when I'm not in this office or in a car accident I am actually a very nice person.
So are you.
Ha, ha.
Ask her out to dinner.
Dinner? Oh, my God, what a lovely idea.
How about this Saturday night? My place.
Um Oh! Oh.
Take it easy.
I'm just going to Beth's for dinner, to work out a payment plan.
Nonsense, my dear boy.
As a nobleman once said: "You can't have dinner without inner.
" As in get up in her? What is that, that voice? What is that? What voice, my dear boy? Cut the crap.
You may have shampooed, parted your hair to the side, but you're the same Wilfred.
All you care about is humping that little kid's giraffe.
Why, Ryan, what a villain you paint me as.
It's elementary.
Beth gets serviced, the debt gets wiped and the giraffe gets a proper buggering.
All win.
I'm not gonna put out just to erase a debt.
Nicely done, Ryan.
You make the easy way out sound like a bloody curse.
Okay then, we won't go.
Just call your sister and ask forthe money.
Look, there's no shame in admitting you need help.
Swallow your pride, pick up the phone and this whole situation disappears.
No, that's not an option.
Then go to her, Ryan.
Go to Beth as I shall go to Raffi.
Let us walk together towards our destinies, bravely.
Sexually.
Fine, I'II go to dinner but only if you stop talking like that.
Deal My dear boy.
So you really didn't have to go to all this trouble.
Well, I usually order in, but tonight I wanted to do something special.
So I had my assistant whip up a home-cooked meal.
It's not often I have such charming company.
Ha, ha.
So, hey, listen.
About the money I owe you, l Oh, Ryan.
I talk about money all day long.
Please, let's not spoil a beautiful dinner.
I don't know.
I guess since then I've devoted my life to chasing dreams be they in the form of cars orother.
I think a life lived with passion is a life well lived.
Heh.
But enough about me.
What makes Raffi tick? Hey, do you mind? We're having a conversation, you adorable little piece of shit.
You know what I like about you, Ryan? You're not afraid to go afterwhat you want.
I like an aggressive man.
Makes me feel so small and vulnerable.
Like a wittle bunny.
A bad wittle bunny.
So, uh, 4800 divided by 24 months is? Ryan, Ryan? I told you no more talk about money.
I'm sure we can work something out later.
Once Tyler goes to sleep.
And besides, wittle Bethie bunny just got a Bwazilian.
What are you doing with this little boy? What you need is a real man a man with hair on his chest and his back and his ass and his neck and his forehead.
A man who can afford the finer things in life.
Tyler? Sweetie? Ready for bed? What? No, no.
You're not tired, are you, buddy? What do you say we play a game? Games suck.
Don't be rude.
He's very tired.
He'll be asleep any second.
Uh, wait, wait.
Tyler hasn't had his dessert yet.
He doesn't need any dessert.
Look at his tits.
Ryan, can I talk to you for a minute? Excuse me, just What are you doing? No one gets laid while that kid's awake.
Exactly.
Be right back.
Finally.
I thought that precocious beaver dam would never break.
I can't do this.
I can't make love to someone I'm not connected to.
This is so humiliating.
More humiliating than asking your sister for help? Dude, check out the look Raffi's giving me.
Girl is a freak.
Doing what you want from me / can be youreverything I just want you close to me Baby, you're my VIP You can call me day ornight Boy, I'm gonna treat you right Move your body close to me Baby, you're my VIP Doing what you want from me I can be your everythlng I just want you close to me Baby, you're my VIP You can call me day ornight Boy, I'm gonna treat you right Move your body close to me Baby, you're my VIP Can we slow things down? Wittle bunny wikes it down there.
I know but we're moving a little Yeah, maybe I didn't make myself clear.
Little bunny wants cunnilingus performed because it's the only way little bunny can achieve orgasm.
Uh, I need to pee before we get started.
Wash your hands.
Ryan.
What are you doing? Same thing you're doing except all overthat little brat's Big Wheel.
We have to get out of here.
Are you kidding me? This is the best sex I've ever had.
For a gal who's never been out of the box, Raffi thinks outside of the box.
I'm freaking out.
Beth wants me to You know.
Oh, I see.
Little yodeling in the old canyon, eh? I don't think I can.
You should have thought of that before.
Me, it was You think Beth's gonna let you off if you don't give her what she wants? Well, no but That's really strong.
That'll do the trick.
Now pull yourself together.
You're a cornered animal.
You have a choice to make.
It's eat or be eaten.
Find the animal within.
Goddamn, this must be some kind of record.
I'm an idiot for not timing this.
Oh, thank God.
Morning.
Morning, Tyler.
Morning.
Eggs? Actually, I should be going.
Oh, I guess you had enough to eat last night, huh? Did you enjoy your little midnight snack? I want more cereal.
Tyler, go to your room.
Uh What do you mean, midnight snack? You know, when you woke me up with that thing you did.
To my wabbit hole? That thing I did? It was like there was an animal down there.
So we're at the bowling alley last night, shit-faced.
One of Ryan's mates puts the call out for Spastic Bowling.
So Ryan I didn't think he'd do this.
But he starts throwing the ball overarm, making palsy faces and shit.
I didn't agree with that actually.
I told you.
After, we smoked Hong Kongs on the beach with homeless pricks.
What's with the third degree? May I speak with you, privately? Well, anything you can say to me, say in front of Bear.
Okay, so last night at Beth's Whoa, let's take it upstairs.
Not cool, dude.
You said I could say anything.
I assumed it was an open relationship.
It is, but Bear doesn't know that.
Look, Beth implied there may have been a certain act performed last night.
And I don't remember participating in that act.
You were stoned out of your mind, Ryan.
Perhaps, you found the animal within.
Or perhaps you snuck into the bedroom while we were asleep.
I don't have time to argue about what did who.
I have to rest before tonight's encore performance with Raffi.
Oh, no, that was a one-night-only deal.
I just wanna forget this thing happened.
But Raffi and I were gonna No.
As you wish, Ryan.
We'll just stay in and play Monopoly again or Battleship.
You cheat at that too.
Battleships change locations in the middle of a war, Ryan.
It's what they were designed to do.
Hello? Yes.
Beth? The answer is yes.
I got the flowers you sent.
Oh, I sent you flowers? And I love the card.
"Beth, you were amazing.
Looking forward to an encore performance tonight.
" I didn't realize this was going to be an ongoing thing.
It's quite a surprise.
Yes, it is.
Come by the house tonlght afternine.
Tyler should be asleep by then but, uh, wittle bunny will be wide awake.
Dude! Ever heard of knocking? Flowers? You sent herflowers? I was home free! Okay, I'll admit I betrayed you.
But in my defense, I really, really want to have sex with Raffi again.
It's one of those arguments where neither of us is right and neither of us is wrong.
We're both kind of swimming in gray area.
This ends tonight.
It's about time I take control of this situation.
Beth, please, there's something I need to tell you.
Aah! Look, I think you're a terrific lady, but I don't see us having a future together.
Any sort of future.
I see.
And if that means that I have to pay forthe accident then No, no, it was a It was tacit agreement.
I suppose you have some contract you'd like me to sign.
Well, uh, I used to be a lawyer.
Ahem.
This absolves me of any cost in relation to the accident.
Just give me the pen.
Although, since this is now technically a business transaction, I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't negotiate a little signing bonus.
Uh Ding-ding, round two.
Uh, that's nice, but that's not what you did last night.
What do you mean? Wight bunny, wong hole.
What, is something wrong? Uh You know, just get your checkbook.
No, no, no.
Uh, you know I think part of what made last night so exciting was that you were asleep.
Maybe I could wake you up again.
Oh.
Suddenly, I feel vewy sweepy.
Wash your hands.
Ryan, I'm in over my head.
Turns out Raffi wasn't fresh out of the box.
She was returned.
Beth wants a repeat of last night.
I need your help.
All right, I'll help you, Ryan.
I'll do anything for you.
But first you need to help me.
Raffi wants to cuckold me.
What? It's a form of sexual degradation whereby I'm forced to watch as she's ravaged by someone else, a lesser physically inadequate lover.
She asked for you specifically.
You want me to have sex with a stuffed giraffe? Want has nothing to do with it.
Do you need my help or not? I can't do this.
Please, Ryan, this is hard enough for me.
This is insane.
Just screw the giraffe.
Oh, why am I doing this? So you don't have to call your sister and be humiliated.
What are you doing? Mom! I'm gonna ask Kristen for help.
I think so, mate.
I'm getting too old for this shit.
I'm thinking it might be time for me to settle down, make a commitment.
I'm not young anymore.
I'm 7 and a half.
Besides, I need more of a spiritual connection these days.
Something like what I've got with Bear.
Aah! Bloody hell! Teeth, Bear, teeth! Hmm.
Think I've got you here, okay.
It's, uh, Colonel Mustard in the study with the wrench.
Nope.
Ow! I won.