You Me Her (2016) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Previously on "You Me Her" Then what are you doing here? - I'm looking for a girl.
- I knew it! Who was that chick who got dropped off at your house two nights ago? She's my niece.
Jackie.
We have a serious fucking Lori problem.
Will Jack's niece be joining us? - Jack's niece? - What is her name again? - Oh, uh, Izzy? - Izzy.
Jack told Ava that her name was Jackie.
[Izzy.]
: Andy, why'd you follow me here - to to my uncle's house? - [sarcastically.]
Right.
Uncle Jack.
You are too good for me.
You know? Yeah.
You know what? I think you're right.
[Knock on door.]
You're not gonna make me drink this all by myself, right? [Emma.]
: I've been working crazy hours on this huge pitch for a a fancy new theater at The Hamilton School, where Jack works? There's a million people I could come to for advice.
I come to you.
I have a lot on my plate right now.
What?! Ow.
[Emma.]
: We agree that this is a business arrangement, right? - You never cashed the check? - No.
[.]
I love us.
You know, not just the sex, but, like, us.
Me too.
Me three.
[.]
What are you thinking? [sighs.]
What are you thinking? I'm thinking that a college student slept between us in our bed last night.
Yeah.
After we all had sex together.
I think that that's the headline, honey.
Right.
And she's still here.
She's in the bedroom while we're gonna head off to work.
I I feel weird about that.
Is it weird that I feel weird? Remember that recurring dream I kept having, where we were both in that Porsche, like 90 miles an hour, laughing and drinking, and then we look at each other, and we realize that we're both in the backseat and nobody's at the wheel? Yeah.
You had that dream again? I need you to tell me that we're not in the backseat while our life is just crashing through a guardrail, down a mountain to a fiery, horrible end.
No.
Here, we made a choice.
This was a choice, here.
We we did it with our eyes open and our hands on the wheel.
We knew what we were doing.
And w we can And what we do next is is up to us.
Yeah.
Wait.
Did you just shrink me? [chuckles.]
I don't know what you're talking about.
But your hour is up.
[chuckles.]
Easy, tiger.
We're gonna be late.
Well, your hand down my pants is sending me a pretty mixed message right now, I have to admit.
Oh, well, look at that.
- Yeah.
- My bad.
Thanks.
[sighs.]
So, d did we all profess our love to each other last night, or did I just imagine that? I had time to sift through the forensics while inspecting the ceiling last night, and here's what I came up with Izzy said, "I love us.
" Not you, not me, us.
Like the three of us, together.
Right.
So when we said it back, we didn't really mean "I love you," we just were celebrating? Us, the situation, the three of us together.
Okay.
What does that mean, "the three of us together"? Are you referring to like us actually physically together in the bed, or, like, are we a are we together, together? Like the three of us could be dating? Like the three of us are seeing each other? I mean, I don't even know how that would work, physically.
How could we ? If we walk down the sidewalk, people wouldn't be able to get around us.
Like, society would crumble.
The whole pedestrian system w would fall apart.
I mean, would Izzy sit between us at the movies and hold a pop-corn What about Christmas and Thanksgiving? Would she come with us, with our families, sitting down at dinner? And we are back to the fiery, horrible end.
[.]
Ugh.
God damn it, you slut.
Oh, hello [clears throat.]
worst decision ever.
Hey, listen.
I'm sorry, okay? If it helps, I kind of hate myself right now, too.
You know, I'm not that guy and you're not that girl.
- It's just - We are what we do, Andrew, the accumulation of our choices.
Hey, Nina.
Can we just agree to blame Izzy and move on with our lives like this never happened? Definitely.
There they are.
Hi, my two lovers.
Hey.
[laughs.]
Sorry.
Lovers.
I'm totally gonna rock that word and just put the onus on everybody to figure out if I'm being serious or not.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Well, someone's having quite the morning.
Hmm? I copped a feel, too, so You did? He's doing very well this morning.
Well, that hardly seems fair.
Two cops? You look really nice.
- Okay, wow.
Um - What? Uh, I, uh You're adorable, especially when you stammer like that.
[smooches.]
Okay.
Okay.
I this? This area here - is, uh, closed for business because I got to run.
- Okay.
I have really big prelim presentation at The Hamilton School.
Wait, wait, wait.
I thought I thought we could play hooky.
I was lying in bed, formulating a plan for an awesome day.
Thought we could hit The Pearl.
Throw back a pilsner, maybe seven, get the sunlight buzz going on.
You know? Or maybe we could we could go somewhere else, maybe.
Yeah? Yeah? We have jobs to go to in the adult world.
It's the big week for me, with this whole dean thing happening.
- [clears throat.]
- [scoff.]
It's my Alumni Board is reviewing me this week.
Oh, yeah? What, were you guys like talking behind my back or something? Well, Isabelle, we're married, so we're kind of talking behind the whole world's back, like every day, all the time, so "Isabelle"? What the fuck is that? Right.
We were we were [clears throat.]
It was mostly good things.
Oh, yeah? Like what? Hmm? Think I'll call you Asshole and Other Asshole.
How's that? I think maybe you should should calm down a little bit.
That's I'm sure that's very easy for you to say.
You're not the one being treated like the one-night stand who lingered too long.
Izzy, I'm sorry.
I do not want to make you feel that way.
I mean, and, seriously, last night was It was like one of the best nights of my life.
Yeah.
Me too.
This is We just have to go to work.
That's all this is.
Uh, guys, could I get a could ride, or or do you want me just to call my pimp? I have a you can I can take you.
What happened here? [.]
Hey, what the hell?! What, you want to make some more small talk? Oh, I'm sorry if ordinary adult conversation is too pedantic and bourgeois for you.
Oh, fine.
How goes the architecting? What is your favorite season? Are you binge-watching anything interesting lately? How about those Blazers, huh? All that playing and shooting or whatever else they do? [groans.]
You're right.
This is so much better than actually saying what we're actually fucking thinking.
Holy shit! It's Izzy.
Um - What? - It's time to scoot.
- It's time to go home, now.
- Just move! Don't.
I, um That that's nice.
Thank you.
Thank you for the effort, kiddo.
Don't mention it, Other Asshole.
Izzy seems a bit with miffed, uh, Aunt Emma.
You really need to go, like now.
No, no, no, no.
Ah! For the record you made an effort.
You tried, but I'm gonna watch this.
Ugh.
What what's this? Are are you having a stroke? Just I don't know.
Uh, maybe? Look, it's a lot, Izzy.
I mean, it is so much.
I I I'm just I'm trying to sort through it and make sense.
I'm fucking terrified.
Are you too scared? I don't know.
Maybe.
Don't forget, though.
Forget what? [.]
That.
Fuck.
Fuck! You know what, Andy? I'm really not in the fucking mood to do this or whatever.
My, my, my.
You kiss your aunt with that mouth? What? One more thing um eat shit.
And lose my fucking number.
That's actually two things.
You got me.
You really got me.
Fuck.
We got a problem, too? Uh, no.
Y you can nuke that.
He left very suddenly after watching you make out with your aunt.
- [scoff.]
Do I really have to ask? - Ask what? What Andy was doing here.
W wh [scoffs.]
he was about to have a cup of coffee.
Did I not just say that? Andy came all the way over here to have coffee at 7:30 a.
m.
? Yeah.
It's a pretty common time for coffee.
You work nights and your first class is at noon.
You don't even know what 7:30 looks like.
Has it occurred to you that maybe Andy knocking on the door is the reason that I woke up? Or maybe I had to study.
So which is it? Oh, pick one.
- Stop it.
- Stop what, dearest? That.
Oh, you mean, um, the passive-aggressive calm? See, I'm just trying not to kill you for smearing your mental breakdown all over me.
If I make it all the way over there and those stupid-ass glasses are still on that stupid-ass face, I'm gonna break them into tiny pieces and shove each and every one up your self-righteous If you so much as touch my very excellent glasses, I'm gonna beat you until my arms go numb, at which point, the kicking will commence.
Is that right? 'Cause you look pretty hungover.
I'm sure I could take you.
Okay.
All right.
Try it.
I dare you.
[sighs.]
[crying.]
- Don't.
Don't.
- I'm not.
- Don't cry.
- I'm trying not to.
That is not fair, okay? Is it working? Get over here.
Come here.
[sniffles.]
Um, so is this just about Andy? No.
It's about me.
I just think Andy was collateral damage.
That's a that's a pithy line.
You care to elaborate? Oh, man.
So last night, I had the first threesome of my life.
It was pretty amazing.
Actually, I need a better word for that 'cause I use that for, like, sour Jelly Bellys and boots and pretty much everything else.
This was like like transformative.
I'm I'm pretty sure my hair had an orgasm.
- [sniffles.]
- Okay.
So, you got it on with your aunt and uncle.
Whoo-hoo.
Please stop calling them that.
Okay.
So you and this this married couple that you're dating.
That's that's the thing.
That's the problem.
Like, we're not dating.
We're not becoming anything, like a throuple, or whatever the fuck you call it.
I don't know.
We're just like Yeah.
You're a business arrangement.
Not anymore.
What? I kind of ripped up the check.
[laughs.]
You I Okay.
I must have, like, premium vodka in my ears because I swear that you just said that you ripped up the check.
That's crazy.
Yeah, 'cause I'm not a prostitute, so Oh.
Okay.
So, then, what are you? Well, uh, I guess, at this point, I'm just [crying.]
their booty call? I don't know.
Hey, those assholes, they led you on.
They they made you think that it could become something that it's not, which makes you a fucking idiot, no offense.
How is that not offensive? You're their Andy, okay? Their plaything, someone that you keep "on simmer.
" So what? You're suggesting what, like karmic justice here, or something? Yeah.
I mean, if the asshat fits, then wear it.
I get you're trying to do like the tough-love thing here, but, like, you really suck at this.
Or am I amazing, nay, transformative, right? - You're not.
- Yes, I am.
You are absolutely not.
I am good at this.
I am the cold, hard truth, Izzy.
Maybe the cold and the hard.
Aw.
I'm gonna miss this when you're institutionalized, when they lock you up.
The banter.
We're so good at it.
I love you.
I love you, too.
And I fucked Andy, um and I got to go.
Bye.
It's gonna take me a second to digest all this information.
Looks like it's gonna take you a month to digest that crêpe-wrapped cow.
That's so gross, man.
- What's in yours? - Healthy stuff.
Hmm? With your special sauce of estrogen and your big brother's disappointment? Can you, like, close your mouth? There's people here that don't Enjoy your life, dude, okay? - Swallow it whole.
- I am.
And stop surviving.
Start living.
I am living.
You're saying I shouldn't be afraid of going public with Izzy? Should just kind of like show her as we are and and face the consequences? - Jesus! - Ow.
[grunting.]
Listen, you dumb-ass.
You and Emma are not gonna openly add a third person to your marriage and flaunt that shit all over Portland! Well, keep your fucking voice down.
Let alone anywhere near my family.
Jesus, you're so riled up over this.
- God.
- It's my life.
Look.
You're gonna lose your job, okay? The three of you are gonna be a freak show.
You're gonna be on "Good Morning, America.
" People are gonna throw fake blood on you - in the streets! - Why would First of all, keep your fucking voice down, okay? Don't tell me fucking what to do.
Secondly, why would they be throwing fake blood on us? What are we, like we have furs on or something? - Whatever.
- Think about what you're saying.
- Whatever.
- Your analogies make no sense.
Listen, okay? You're gonna endure public ridicule.
You're gonna be cast out.
You're going to be a weirdo.
W we are living in Portland, asshole, okay? Not Afghanistan.
Dude, we're even, by the way.
Okay? 1-1.
Truce.
[.]
[Nina.]
: This isn't fun sober! It's not supposed to be fun, Nina! I'm kicking your ass! Ow! Ow.
Ow.
Are you? Are you really? No.
Ow.
No, no, no.
Not the hands.
Not the hands.
Don't you dare.
You do that, you're gonna have to kill me first.
Ah! Ah! Ow, my boob! - Yeah.
- Ow.
Ow! I can't breathe.
Roommates who break girl code do not get oxygen! Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- Give it to me.
- No, no, no, no.
Ow, ow, ow.
Not my hand.
- Oh.
Oh, my God! - Drop it.
Stop hitting yourself.
Oh, my God! You're crazy! Not my nipple! You know that they're sensitive! Aaaah! Tater Tots! - No safe words.
- Tater Tots! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't punch you - in the vag right now.
- Timeout, okay? I smoked way too much weed for this.
Timeout.
Timeout.
Oh, my boob.
[both breathing heavily.]
He brought the really good vodka, Iz.
And his dick? Point being, he was on a mission, okay? Yeah, duh.
You couldn't intuit that, future psychologist? Yeah, you'd think, but it only occurred to me soon after my first orgasm.
Your first? Kid's got game.
Of course he does.
Never stuck long enough to find out.
[sighs.]
Blew it with a good guy, who's also nondouchey, handsome, and, apparently, screws like a porn star.
This is good.
This is this is good.
Everything's working out.
It was a mistake, okay? We both agreed, and he's still yours for the having if you want him.
He's he's pissed, but he'll get over it.
Did you hear me? Loud and clear.
No one is gonna let their daughter be counseled by an infamous sexual deviant.
Come on.
Why couldn't you have just kept it in a box, hmm? We tried.
You know, the occasional kinky fun behind closed doors.
Listen, man, we love having you guys over, right, you know that? But you know that Marie's never gonna be okay with this.
Nobody is.
Hmm? Just look in their eyes.
You know what? We should've insisted she keep the money.
That put a label on things.
Now, the whole arrangement is just so ambiguous.
You're damn right it is.
It's time to take that genie and jam it right back in the bottle, okay? She doesn't accept the money, it's over.
Come on, Jack.
Please tell me that you're not still pining for that married couple.
I'm not still pining for that married couple.
You said please.
Okay, I can't believe I'm actually indulging this, but, um, what happened this morning, after your "transformative" threesome last night? I don't know.
I was just thinking about how we only have sex, right? And that I don't know no matter how crazy it sounds, I just I think we're bigger than that.
For the record, that's like way up there on the crazy scale, like you-scare-me crazy, but It's not crazy.
I asked them to play hooky so we could day-drink and hang out at The Pearl.
It's a fucking good day.
All right.
Just just forget that they are a married couple for a second - and think of them as the guy.
- Okay.
Okay, so you had sex with the guy that you met like three days ago, but instead of playing it cool and skedaddling, you hang around his apartment and ask him to spend the day with you? - Is does that sound right? - Ohhh.
You asked a married couple to go on a very public daylight date with you.
I just I don't see how that could make anybody anxious.
Yeah.
Ohh.
I scared the shit out of them, didn't I? Yeah.
You did.
[.]
[Emma.]
: The knee-jerk inclination is to make any new structure blend in with the overall Hamilton Prep School aesthetic, but this is a different beast.
Here are a few examples of recently completed high-school theaters across the country.
They're bold, splashy, standing out by design apologizing to no one.
Theater and choir students are proudly different.
They're not like everybody else and they don't want to be.
The building should reflect that.
Oh, and, Dean Weinstock, did I mention the creative-freedom discount? As our senior partner likes to say, "Make coin or make a splash.
" Ideally, both? Well, that gets my name on the door.
Everybody wins.
Our competitors tell you otherwise, they're full of shit.
Oh, did did I just say "shit"? I meant to say malarkey or something equally folksy.
[laughter.]
Very well done, Mrs.
Trakarsky.
Thank you.
[applause.]
[school bell rings.]
- We're kind of on fire.
- I know, right? Hawthorne's latest and greatest power couple.
I mean, I'm gonna be dean, you're gonna be partner, and maybe we can try to have a baby.
Well, everything good or bad happens in threes.
[chuckling.]
Right? [.]
Got some advice from Gabe today.
Let me guess we should save our marriage by having a foursome.
He basically said that, you know, we totally screwed up by taking the money out of the relationship with Izzy.
The money's what kept it a finite business arrangement.
Good, old-fashioned, American sex for hire, not whatever we've let this become.
He also said that if it ever became anything more than that, that he and Marie would totally cut us off.
So did Carmen.
So did Dave.
[.]
Crazy thing is, it worked.
The plan worked.
I mean, I don't know about you.
It feels to me like we're having the best sex of our lives.
Yeah.
- Right? - Yeah.
Jack, where's it possibly gonna go from here? I mean, h how does she realistically fit into our our work, our jobs, our lives? But we knew that going in, you know? She kind of erased the boundaries when she tore up that check.
It's like she thinks we're dating, like this could be something permanent.
I know.
All right.
So what's our move? We just invite her over and tell her she's got to take the money.
Yeah.
Or or it's over.
- Or it's over, right? - Yeah.
So why aren't we just walking away from this? [both laugh.]
- Mom? - What was that? Did you hear that? That sounded a lot like I'm sorry.
I think I must've butt-dialed you.
No, no, it's all good.
Yeah.
See you when I get home.
Bye.
Hey.
Sweetheart, I I don't know what you think you heard You mean the part about Izzy not being your niece, or the part about you guys paying her to have pervy, three-way sex with you? Wha what? No, Ava.
No.
Silly, wonderful Ava.
We No.
Um, we were walking down and then we were talking about something that was totally not that at all.
No, no, no.
Don't don't waste my time, Jack, because I've got class in five.
We got some negotiating to do, don't we? - It's Mr.
Trakarsky.
- I'm pretty sure it's whatever I want it to be now.
Jack.
Oh, God.
[laughs.]
She's blackmailing us, Jack.
That's why she didn't tell Lori.
- Oh, God.
- Right? - [laughing.]
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Oh, don't be sad, Jack.
You get to be dean and I get to be class president.
And whatever else pops into my silly, wonderful head.
- Whoo! - Oh, no.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[laughs.]
No, no, no.
Give me what I want And what I need What you got don't mean a thing to me Give me what I want Give me everything Give me what I want And what I need What you got don't mean a thing to me Give me what I want Give me everything subtitle by peritta - corrections by chamallow