30 Rock s01e08 Episode Script

- Hey - Hi, babe.
Dennis, what are you doing? I'm gonna mount a TV on your wall.
I just can't find a stud.
So you made nine holes in my wall? No, those are for the shelves, dummy.
The TV is gonna go right here.
It's gonna be awesome.
It's gonna be-- It's gonna be like a hospital.
Oh, Dennis, I don't want a hospital TV.
I don't want a shelf Whose horse is that? That's my cousin Teddy's Great Dane.
I told him I'd watch him for a couple weeks.
'cause Teddy broke his ankle running from some black guys that pulled a gun on him.
Now, why is it important to tell me that the muggers were black? They weren't muggers.
They were cops.
So why don't you just say he was running from some cops? I don't know, I mean, you're a racist for assuming that they weren't cops.
Uhh! You know I'm allergic to dogs.
Ack, allergies are all mental.
Hey.
Who the hell is this? That's Teddy.
Get out.
I want you out of here! You can't kick me out.
I love you! No, no, get your stuff and get out.
I'm not doing this anymore.
You can't kick me out.
I got squatter's rights.
Which is it: you love me or you got squatter's rights? I don't see why they're mutually exclusive! Ohh! Thank you.
Oh, Liz, finally.
It's about time you broke up with him.
He's a comple loser.
Oh, Jenna, don't say that.
You know, he had some good moments.
Hi.
I got donuts.
What's up, brown eyes? I made chili.
Hey You wanna wanna order cheese steaks? I guess they were mostly food related.
But he was always nice to me.
Oh, that's okay.
Cry it out, sister.
No, I'm not crying.
I'm allergic to the stupid Great Dane.
That thing licked my eyes this morning.
Wait a minute.
Dennis and the dog are still in your apartment? I gave him a week to find a new place.
Ugh.
We're completely broken up.
If that's true, then I'm taking you out to celebrate.
A girls' night.
We'll meet some new people.
Oh, you mean like at a discotheque? Oh, boy.
So when can we see each other again? What are you wearing? Black dress? Black stockings? A funeral, oh.
I'm sorry, okay.
Let me call you back in an hour yeah, bye.
Why are you cryig? The Liberty lose again last night? I'm not crying.
I have allergies.
Allergies are all in the mind, Lemon.
I use to have a wicked peanut allergy.
And now, witness.
As I'm sure you surmised from that call, I'm seeing a woman of late.
Yeah, who's the lucky lady? Let's just say she's a high-ranking African-American member of the Bush administration.
Are you dating Condoleeza Rice? I'm not at liberty to say.
The point is, my lady friend is an egghead, much like yourself.
Not my usual thing, and I need your advice.
We're having a lot of trouble connecting lately.
She does a lot of traveling.
Yeah, and it must be hard for her to get cell phone reception when she's so far up the president's butt.
I'm choosing to ignore that remark on the basis that you are a godless, glassy-eyed Clintonista.
Now, I wanted to get my friend something personal.
Do you think she would prefer this handsome attaché, which says, "You are a woman of substance, and I respect you," or this collection of ladies' unmentionables with snaps and openings all over the place? Attaché! I see, okay.
Jenna to the floor, please.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
But I think the boobs should swing more.
Yeah, then I could go: Rodney, don't make me come over there and beat you in the head with one of my boom-booms!" Yeah.
This is just appalling.
What's your problem? I just think it's demeaning for a black man to do drag.
What? Everybody loves a dude in a dress.
I mean, those are the best Bugs Bunnies.
Frank, there are large pockets of African-American culture that Caucasians know nothing about.
The stigma of drag is one of them.
Whatever.
I've played a woman before.
Hunky Grandma Be Trippin' made $96 million.
All I'm saying is-- is drag is a way for Caucasians to emasculate you and make you seem non-threatening.
We never would have stooped so low on Black Frasier.
Black Frasier? Niles, this Beaujolais is impeccable.
It's both fruity and precocious.
That's not the only thing around here that's fruity and precocious.
I never heard of Black Frasier.
What? It was huge on BET.
Every Thursday night at about 9:00 or 9:15.
Think about it, Tracy.
All the best African-American comedians refuse to do drag.
Chris Rock doesn't do it.
Dr.
Cosby doesn't do it.
Bernie Mac doesn't do it 'cause he'd be ugly as hell.
Forget it.
I'm not wearing this dress.
It's prejudicial.
Thanks a lot.
Now what am I supposed to do with this sketch? I'll do it.
I mean, my parents raised me as a girl for, like, ten years.
What? I told you guys that.
That's our show for tonight! See you next week! Good night! That's okay, we'll think of something.
All right, I'll see you.
Monday night is girls' night.
I'm taking you out, 9:30.
I know this great karaoke place where you can get a pedicure while you sing.
Oh, Jenna, I'll go anywhere.
Just, please, no more karaoke.
Not after our last duet.
When I'm right here, you need to be here.
Not here.
Here is embarrassing.
Okay, fine.
I didn't say that.
I said you're a beautiful woman.
It wouldn't hurt to try something different with your hair.
Check this out.
I think Jack is dating Condi Rice.
Oh, God, that's huge! Oh, no, no.
I never said braces.
I said bonding.
Dude, that Shamanda character was the best thing of the night.
.
What was her line? Say it again.
Rodney! Don't make me come over there and beat on you with my boom-booms! You burned me! There's nothing wrong with a black comedian wearing a dress.
Eddie does it, Martin does it, Jamie Foxx, Flip Wilson.
Whoopi Goldberg does it every day! You stole a franchise from me! Shamanda could have been a movie! Okay, you need to write something great for him before this becomes a problem.
I wouldn't even know where to begin writing for a guy like that.
Then write something with him.
Our comedy gotta do more than make people laugh.
Gotta make people think.
I wanna hold a mirror up to society, and then win world record for biggest mirror.
He's totally right.
Gotta be raw! Uh-huh.
I got a concept for a sketch I think you might like.
You and Jenna play Sleestaks from Land of the Lost and you're trying to get a small business loan.
What? Because you want to open up a pancake house called Slee's Stacks.
Are you black? Jack, is everything all right? I think I figured out why things have been so rocky with my lady friend.
I'm on the street.
I can barely hear you.
She's cheating on me, Liz.
I think there's another man in the picture.
Are you sure, Jack? 'Cause she kind of seems like an honest lady.
I know what I know.
Next time I see Putin, I'm gonna kick his teeth in.
Oh, here it is! Izzle.
"A suffix that can be used to take the place of anything.
" Well, now you're just being patronizzle.
You know who would love this argument? My racist grandfather.
I thought writing with you was gonna be like two brothers writing together.
We're not even speaking the same language.
That's right.
I'm speaking English.
Just listen, just listen.
Come on, who raised you? Standing there with your pants that fit.
Using a wallet.
Drinking Starbucks.
And what is this? That's my Harvard a capella group the Crocodillos.
I had a solo in Like A Prayer.
Come on! Where's your heritage? My brother! My homeboy! My n-- Hey, sorry I'm late.
Thank God you're here.
This place is creeping me out.
I don't think I can do this.
You're gonna be great.
They're cute.
Do you think they're Wall Street guys? Yeah, I think they're from the firm of Date-Rape, Coke-ington Cheeseball, and Jag.
You've got to give this a chance.
Excuse me.
Is this seat taken? Oh, really, dude? I gotta move my coat? There's like four empty seats down there.
Can't you just be cool? Ugh.
That guy wanted to buy you a drink.
Really? I already have a drink.
Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks? What is the matter with you? I don't know! I'm just nervous and rusty.
Well, just relax and be yourself.
Can I have a martini, please? Hi.
Oh, he knows where Bin Laden is, come on! The Carlyle Group.
The Unocal Pipeline.
The assassination of Olof Palme.
Come on, the proof is in the pudding.
Ooh, these are good.
Really, you think she looks like Jessica Simpson? You could put a long, blonde wig on a ferret and it would like Jessica Simpson.
And by the way, Jessica Simpson would think that you are old and gross.
So good luck with that.
I really didn't think I was gonna meet anybody tonight, but you and I have so much in common.
Also, you have really pretty eyes.
Oh, hi.
I learned the truth at seventeen.
That love was meant for beauty queens.
Hey, you're bumming us out.
And high school girls with clear skin smiles.
Who married young and then retired.
Whoa I thought bars were open till 4:00.
Nope, 11:30.
Let's get you to bed.
from human resources.
Hi.
He told me that Toofer filed the harassment complaint against Tracy.
What? Now I have to attend sensitivity training.
What seems to be the problem, Toofer? Mr.
Jordan called me the N-word.
And? And I was really offended.
Because Because it's a racial slur.
Brothers talk to other brothers like that.
I was being friendly.
Yes, Toofer.
You see, in the last decade or so the African-American community has re-appropriated that word as a way of depriving it of its meaning.
Just don't try to tell my girlfriend that.
Yeah, Toofer, I really don't think Tracy was trying to offend you.
It's okay for us to use it with each other.
You can call me that.
It's a term of endearment.
Look, I'm not trying to cause any trouble.
And I confess I appreciate what you do for the show.
I want you to be my brother, my homeboy, my n-- Whoa! This meeting is adjourned.
No cool, homie! You might as well spread me down with a fire hose.
Just sounds so hateful coming from you! Ugh! I wish to file a complaint.
Hey.
Dennis, what are you doing here? Hey, I'm moving into my new apartment.
So I got one last thing to say to you, and then I'll be out of your life forever.
"Dear Liz Lemon, "While other women have bigger boobs than you, "no woman has as big a heart.
"When I saw you getting ready to go out "and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, "I knew for sure it was over between us.
"And for the first time since the '86 World Series, I cried".
"I cried like a big dumb homo".
"And if it was up to me, we would be together forever.
"But there's a new thing called 'women's liberation' "which gives you women the right to choose, "and you have chosen to abort me.
"And that I must live with.
"So tonight when you arrive home, I'll be gone.
I officially renounced my squatter's rights.
" I'll always love you.
Good-bye and good luck.
I'll never forget you.
And that is why we are no longer a couple.
The guy just came in here and bared his soul to you.
What are you, made of stone? Am I crazy? The guy's a disaster, right? Well, I don't know.
I mean, yeah, he's a little "bridge and tunnel," but you did say you had some good times.
No, no, no, he had his bad moments too.
Hey.
Threesome? How about it, huh? Mmm! I'm just saying after last night maybe he's not such a bad choice.
You are suggesting that I get back with Dennis.
Maybe.
Look, you're a writer.
Write a list of Dennis' pros and cons.
It's a very helpful exercise.
It's how I decided to get a scooter instead of a bike.
Ah.
Well, you have to admit there's always time for Tony Blair.
There's always time for Bashar al-Assad.
But there's never any time for Jack Donaghy, and that's a problem.
Go ahead, take the call, yeah.
Hey, Dennis, you drop by to say hi to Liz? You mean the ex-future Mrs.
Dennis? She dumped me again.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, you know, you try to make some people happy, but it doesn't work all the time.
Tell me about it.
What, you? I really can't go into detail.
It's about when my woman and I are together, it's mindblowing.
It's, uh It's filthy, really.
So what's the problem? Well, she works all the time.
She's always traveling, it's a headache.
Who needs that? That's why I'm always dating 20-year-olds.
Nah, let me tell you about Half of them are 16.
You want some advice? It's hard for alpha males like you and me to put our egos aside, but if she's worth it, you make it work.
It's like my cousin Teddy's dog.
Sometimes he just doesn't wanna lick my feet.
So what I do is, I hide my feet from him for a couple of days, and then when he sees them, he goes bananas.
So Jack, in this example, Liz is the dog.
And I am my feet.
You see what I'm saying? Yes, I believe I do.
Each of you is here because you are insensitive to a co-worker, okay? You might've used one of the words I call the "uh-oh" words.
Such as, slut.
Ho.
Uh, bitch.
Biyatch.
Queerburger.
Faggotron.
Gaybird.
Uh, the word for black in any language, Néro, noir, schwartz, negro, kam-an-sek.
Hmm? So.
What else? What else can we not call each other? How 'bout sweaty greaseball? Ooh, very good.
That's highly offensive.
Person of color.
Guess if you say it like that.
Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch.
Ho-ho! Yes! These words are terrible.
But today, we are going to learn to communicate in a different way.
And I would like to start with Tracy and James.
Guys? Now, I understand that the two of you got into a big 'ol conflict yesterday.
Andlet's work this out.
Tracy.
What did you really want to say to James? I'm tryin' to tell him he's my brother.
We're the only two blacks on the show.
We have to figure out a way to work together.
Like professor Martin Luther King said, I have a feeling.
It's Dr.
Martin Luther King, and he did not have a feeling, he had a dream.
Ah, dude wear khakis.
Uncle Tom, party of one.
Uncle Tom, party of one.
You can't call someone that if you've never read the book! What book? You know what I think? I think you're ashamed of being black, and you're an embarrassment to your community! I embarrass you.
You embarrass me, and you know why? Because there are racist people in this world, and when they see you act like a fool, they assume we're all fools.
That's it! This is it.
This is the sketch we should do.
What? Right here, you and me! This is deep stuff goin' on.
We gotta write this.
You're right.
Ah-ha-ha! Dr.
Snoo, thank you very much! Smew.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
That's really against the rules.
Dennis? Oh, my God.
"I know this might be emotional for you, so there's a meatball sub in the fridge.
" Oh! "Pro.
Fixed TV.
" Huh.
Hello, I'm Star Jones.
And welcome to the Star Jones Gastric Bypass Cooking Show.
Mmm.
Liz, what happened to the race relations sketch Tracy and I wrote? Oh, we only had time for one more bit, and Tracy picked this.
I'm sorry.
Now you know, I can only eat small portions.
Oh, my goodness! Dessert.
Okay, he's right, this is funnier.
- Guess where I was last night.
- Mark Foley's pajama party.
No.
Kandahar.
Afghanistan? Yeah.
Took the corporate jet to hook up with my neo-con inamorata.
Well, I'm glad things are working out for you and your mystery lady.
Well actually, they're not.
I broke up with her.
Really? What happened? Well, I finally realized that we're not compatible.
I mean, I'm all for fantasy role-play, but Abu-Ghraib? Well, you know, relationships end.
Peoplemove on.
But I'm glad at least I gave it a shot.
Thank Dennis for making me do that.
Dennis? Yep.
You know, I might've been too hard on that guy.
He's okay.
Hmm.
"Jack likes Dennis.
"Jack likes Dennis.
" At Snapple, when young fruit ripens, they may want to combine with other fruit.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just, um, just wanted to drop off your Christmas present.
I had already bought it for you, so Oh It's a fancy briefcase, you know, 'cause you're classy and important.
Like a dude.
Thank you, Dennis.
I, uh, also got you some antihistamine.
In case the next guy you're with, you know, has a dog and you wanna stay with him.
Anyway.
Do wanna eat? What? I got all this Chinese food.
I'm never gonna finish it by myself, so For real? Should I, um, grab a plate? Yeah.
Get me a diet soda.
Okay.
Good evening and welcome to Dateline.
Chris Hansen has our latest investigation-- Hello? Good evening, sir.
I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC.
Can I ask you what you're doing here tonight? Oh, yeah, I'm here to boff some chick named Mary.
Boff some chick-- Oh, my God.
Do you know how old Mary is? Yeah, uh, 22.
I think.
You wanna try again? Crap.
That girl said she was 16, but I swear to God I could tell she was 22.
Get out of my apartment! This happened while we were broken up.
No, no, no, no.
I was right about you! This is a con, by the way.
You on Dateline is a con! You know what? I knew you wouldn't be cool about this.
We're finished.
You can't break up with me.
I already broke up with you! Fine! Then we agree to disagree!