3rd Rock from the Sun s01e08 Episode Script

Is it cable yet? Hey, hey, is it cable? - You're wired.
- Oh! This is the second most exciting thing I have ever held in my hand.
Harry, you ready to go? Dick, we've got cable, and, unlike primitive free television, - this one you get to pay for.
- Oh! That's nice.
- Sally, are you finished in the bathroom yet? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You live in an attic? You're poor? That's so cool.
- Thanks.
- Hi! - Who's that? - This is Cheryl.
She's a cheerleader.
- A what? - Show them a cheer.
- Not in front of all these people.
- Come on, come on.
Okay.
Ready?! Okay! Go, "r"! Go, "a"! Go, "m"! Go, "s"! R-a-m-s! Let's go, rams! Whoo! All right.
So she's proud of her spelling.
I'll meet you in the kitchen.
We can study in there.
Tommy, what happened to August? August-- well, August is bright and intelligent and funny, and I love to be with her, but Cheryl's easy.
So you're jeopardizing a meaningful relationship - for pure physical pleasure.
- Exactly.
- Very well.
Carry on.
- Thank you, sir.
Sally, here's your coat.
And I want you to be on your best behavior.
This is a party in honor of Leonard Hanlin.
Why? Nobody likes him.
They hate him, but they honor him.
It's a human phenomenon that I find fascinating.
Behind his back they deride him, but to his face they kiss his ass.
Well, that's just the kind of stunt you can see only on cable.
Plus we got sports, music, movies.
Oh, and look.
"El mundo pacífico.
" - Ah, that's muy bueno.
- No.
- Oh.
- English, Spanish, French - I know, I know.
Earth-- go figure.
Dr.
Hanlin, it is an honor to have you here.
Well, thank you, Dean Sumner.
And, you, be a pleasant toady and bring me another one of those, would you? Dr.
Hanlin, we so admire your accomplishments.
Well, I admire your courage, Mrs.
Sumner.
An Audubon print over the mantle passing for art-- that takes guts.
Look who I found.
It's Dr.
Solomon.
Well, an honest man in a den of bootlickers, not that I don't enjoy having my boots licked.
It's just that I find you all contemptible.
So tell me, Dick, what do you think of my work? Mechanistic and disturbingly fascist, but pretentious high schoolers might find it thought-provoking.
I think it's groundbreaking.
I don't need the opinion of a water boy with tenure.
I'm talking to my friend.
I like you, Solomon.
Well, I don't like you.
But I don't think anybody hates me more than your friend, - doctor, um - Albright.
Yes.
Probably because I turned her down.
I need something from the bar.
Yes, that should solve all your problems.
Well, then let's get drinking.
- Excuse me.
- Can I help you? Well, somebody said there was a giant flaming jackass over here.
They put it out.
I hate that man.
I wish there was some way he could be-- - nicer? - No, dead.
Well, you're published again.
Congratulations.
Nina, what are you doing here? You're a secretary.
You're Dr.
Solomon's sister.
You're a lot better-looking than he is.
Hey, I'm up here.
Yes, all women would like to think that.
How would you like to have your eyeballs in the bottom of a martini glass? 'Cause I can do it.
Oh, oo-ooh! The amazon's going to manhandle me.
You're not worth a broken nail.
- Dr.
Hanlin? Dr.
Hanlin! Somebody call 9-1-1.
- I think he's dead.
Dr.
Albright, you got your wish! Okay, so the kinds of triangles are isosceles, equilateral, scalene.
And what's the other one? Why do I have to know this if I'm going to be a teacher? You want a soda? 'Kay.
There's juice, too, if you'd rather have that, or water.
Hi.
August, you're here.
Yeah, we have a science project, remember? - Yeah, right.
- I think I want a soda.
Oh-hh! Hello, Auggie.
Cheryl.
There's something different about you.
Is it your hair? No.
Oh, you're holding a book.
Tommy, could you hurry up? I'm really thirsty.
Cheryl's helping me with my math homework.
She is.
You know, if you want to hang out with Cheryl, that's okay.
We haven't made any serious declarations of our feelings, so there isn't the issue of ownership.
But-- and, just like Cheryl, this is a big "but"-- you could at least be honest with me.
No, August, wait.
August, hold on.
I'm sorry.
August, I'm sorry.
Hello! I thought you were bringing me something to drink.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- Diet.
- Sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
I can't believe this.
I've never seen anybody die before.
I know, it's amazing.
One minute, he's active, and the next, he's inert.
First he's limber, and then he's stiff.
His eyes are twinkly, then they're milky.
He's rosy, then sallow.
Oily, then dry.
- Gurgly, then silent.
- Will you stop! Dick? Dick, we have a problem.
- What? - I killed him.
Oh, that's just great.
Didn't I say best behavior? - I never meant to kill him.
- Why can't you be like Dr.
Albright? She wanted him dead, but did she act on it? No because she's a lady.
- The police are here.
We've gotta get outta here.
- We will.
- Just walk out calmly.
- Okay, here we go.
Look casual.
- Okay.
No.
No, no.
I think we all know why Dr.
Hanlin died.
He had a bad heart.
He ignored his doctor's advice.
He brought it on himself.
- Oh, thank god! - Yes! - Let's eat! - All right! - Promise me something.
- Albright: what? Promise me that you'll never do what Dr.
Hanlin did at the party.
Feel up the caterer? I won't.
Promise me you'll never collapse and be hauled away under a sheet, because the thought of you lying there, purple, rigid and distended, just makes me so sad.
'Kay.
You know what we should do right now? Run out of here, grab a couple of horses, right bareback through the woods all night and make love in a meadow at sunrise.
I have a class in five minutes, and that's just the first of my reservations.
Forget class.
Let's live! Let's taste danger.
Let's go for the gusto, consequences be damned.
Let's drive fast and eat cheese.
Are you insane? I've simply awakened to the sensual possibilities of everything around me.
You know, I think she's fully inflated.
What is it, Nina? This letter just came for you.
It's from Dr.
Hanlin.
"Dear Dr.
Solomon, if you are reading this, it means that I am dead.
As one honest man to another, it is my dying wish that you deliver an honest eulogy without any embellishment or flattering crap.
" An honest eulogy, I can do that.
No, you can't.
An honest eulogy for that man would be insulting.
Well, I'll just have to find something to say about him that's both honest and uplifting.
Oh, how about "we love him more today than yesterday"? S-P I-R I-t! Go, spirit, let's hear it! Go, spirit, let's hear it! S-P I-R I-t! - Go, spirit! Let's hear it! Go, spirit! Let's hear it! - Oh, gosh! Dick: oh, that is-- she's got the spirit.
Isn't she wonderful? Yeah, the magic never ends.
- Mrs.
Dubcek, did you hear this? - Yes, I heard it.
I don't know what is going on up here, but I have plaster falling into my jacuzzi.
I've never heard it called that before.
- Take it outside.
- Later, Tommy.
So, Tommy, can't find fulfillment in a meaningless relationship with a superficial, simpleminded bimbo? I know.
I'm just as baffled as you are.
Mrs.
Dubcek, have you ever been involved in funeral arrangements? Well, not for myself-- for my second husband.
- Lovely funeral, very nice.
- Well, I-- I've been working on this eulogy.
What was his like? Well, it was an outdoor service.
And then this woman came along, asking for directions because she was lost and she couldn't find her way home.
And we were so touched, that we just forgot about Carl's eulogy and just planted him.
So I-- I just need to find some babbling eccentric to create a diversion.
What are you doing on Saturday? You're just lucky you're so damnedably handsome.
Why does death have to be so inconvenient? Mmm, to die, to sleep.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
Ohh! There's the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause.
- What's that from? - I don't know, some Mel Gibson movie.
Mel Gibson, he's dreamy.
All: mmm! If we measure "x" in grams and "y" in centimeters per second, then "z" is measured in a unit of energy we call ergs.
The complete conversion of one gram of mass into energy thus releases one times three times 10 to the 10th power squared, which brings me to another point-- Your lives are fragile, and you're all going to die! Your time is short, and I barely know any of you.
Close your books.
I want to sit among you.
I want to share your thoughts, learn your fears, expose your darkest secrets.
Who's first? - Bug, what about you? - Uh - why are you called bug? - I got hit by a Volkswagen.
- And, Leon.
- What? - Where are you from? - Here.
You see? This is fascinating.
Uh, who's next? Pitman.
Uh what about you, Dr.
Solomon? Where are you from? Okay.
I'm sure that you've all heard of the radio telescope.
Well funny story.
True story.
I'm not human.
- Well, that's all the time we have.
And by the way, I assume that some of you have taken a class from Dr.
Hanlin.
Does anyone have any stories about him? Oh, good.
- I need something nice.
- Woman: oh, sorry.
I know that it was his final request that I be forthright and honest, but the problem is, I can't seem to find anything good to say about this man, and I've been looking.
You know, Dick, everyone has goodness within them.
If you look beneath the surface far enough, I think you're going to discover a basic inner core of goodness that, well, makes us all children of god.
Well I guess I'll just have to try to find that in Dr.
Hanlin.
Leonard Hanlin? Oh, well, good luck.
- Listen, August, about Cheryl-- - No.
No, look, we used to be involved.
That's over.
I'm okay with that.
Now let's not let it affect our academic relationship.
No, I made a mistake with her.
See, I don't want Cheryl.
I want you.
Of course you want me.
What can I do to fix this? You could take me someplace nice.
All right, um okay.
There's this thing I got to go to tomorrow afternoon 'cause my dad knew this guy.
It's, um you have to dress up 'cause it's really, really nice.
Sure.
So when they asked me to come to earth, I thought, "why not?" I was in a rut, working for the big giant head.
- You know him.
- Dick: Harry! Uh, just a minute.
- Who were you talking to? - Nobody.
Dr.
Hanlin.
- How did he get here? - I gave him a ride.
This isn't Dr.
Hanlin anymore.
It's an empty vessel.
See, if he were alive, could I do this? Could any man alive resist a fresh banana? I rest my case.
But, Dick, when our mission ends and we leave this planet, will our bodies end up like that? Of course.
It's happened a million times.
We study a planet.
We take on the life-forms.
We finish the job.
We discard the life-forms.
The end.
Dick, I feel different here.
I mean, I like Sally.
What will happen to her when I'm gone? What happens to all her stuff? All her shoes? You won't care because the thing that's really you will be in another galaxy, and Sally will be just like Dr.
Hanlin.
Whoa, Dick, he's going for the banana.
Oh, no! I need to run this eulogy by you.
Just say whatever you're going to say.
No, I think I've found a positive angle.
"Office space is at a premium on this campus, - so you'll be happy to hear--" - Stop! The man is dead.
We're ready to start.
See how nice it is? This is the thing for the guy you invited me to? Yeah.
What? How can we honor the memory of a man like Leonard Hanlin? Well he was governed by the laws of physics, as are all living things.
It is a scientific fact that hearts and clocks slow down as they approach the speed of light, the point at which matter is converted into energy.
Dr.
Hanlin's heart approached that speed on Friday evening at 7:57, according to the coroner, converting his matter into energy, into pure white light.
Though he is no longer with us, he is all around us.
Thank you.
That was absolutely beautiful.
Matter to energy? Could you have been more trite? Why didn't you just phone it in? The fact that someday we'll lose these bodies makes me want more.
I want to share myself with someone.
And I think we all know who.
I want to savor every moment.
I want to see places outside of Ohio.
Hmm, I want one of those big cheeseburgers with three buns.
I want one of those things, you see people with them.
You know, they're like this big.
- A baby? - Yeah.
Aren't you kind of stuck with a baby for your whole life? No, you only have a baby for, like, two years.
Men.
Dick, when are we going to leave these bodies? When we've learned everything there is to know about life.
Whoa.
Good thing we got cable.
Man: Life is just a bowl of cherries So live and laugh at it all.