9JKL (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Guys, I was just out walking in the park, breathing in the crisp autumn air, - and you know what I realized? - How alone you are? I was going to say how excited I am to be back at home for Thanksgiving.
So, what's our plan for Thursday? We have a 5:00 reservation at the Atlantic Grill.
What? We're having Thanksgiving in a restaurant? We've gone to a restaurant every year since you moved to Los Angeles.
Mom said, and I quote, "What's the point of all that cooking if my baby isn't here to enjoy it?" To which I replied, "Technically, I'm the baby.
" Then Mom called me "fresh," and took away my pie.
Well, I'm back now, and I don't want to eat surrounded by a bunch of strangers.
Darling, I like restaurant Thanksgiving.
I don't have to cook, clean, or worry about your father taking his pants off during the meal.
And I like treating everyone, and giving Mom and Dad an annual reminder that I make more money than you.
What about you, Dad? You used to love a nice, traditional Thanksgiving at home.
I did, but then Mommy explained why I didn't, and now I don't.
Guys, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and I've spent the last ten at my ex-in-law's country club, where half the people I met were introduced as "colonels.
" Joshie, it'll be so much fun at the Atlantic Grill.
I'm gonna have the cod.
Yes, hello, is this the Atlantic Grill on Third Avenue? What are you doing? What is he doing? This is Harold Roberts.
No, it's not! I'd like to cancel our Thanksgiving reservation.
- No, hey, stop, look at me, hey, no - Sure, you can give it to someone on the waiting list.
Thank you so much.
Bye-bye.
What did you just do? He stole my identity.
Guys, relax, Thanksgiving at home is gonna be so much better.
Joshie, I told you, I'm not up for cooking.
I'll cook.
You don't know how to cook.
I know how, I just never have the time, because I am EVE/JUDY: a working mother I know, dear.
You should have a float in the parade.
It's Wyatt's first Thanksgiving, and I'd love to do it.
Wait, Eve, are you sure? - You don't have to.
- You're so busy.
Are you guys saying that to be nice, or because you don't think I can do it? The second one, dear.
I'm doing it, and it's gonna be the best Thanksgiving you've ever tasted.
It's gonna be just like it used to be The whole family together.
Watching football in our pajamas, playing charades, Dad going to town on that turkey carcass, and then moaning, "Why didn't anyone stop me?" Why doesn't anyone stop me? And, of course, we'll have Nana come.
- My mother! - Your mother No Thanksgiving would be complete with out Nana.
Josh, that's a great idea.
But her nursing home is in New Jersey.
It's such a long trip for her.
Nick's working Thanksgiving.
He can pick her up on his way into the city.
Wonderful.
Eve is cooking, Nana's coming.
I'm gonna go scream my excitement into a pillow.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? Ah.
How's our chef-to-be? Same as when you came in here 20 minutes ago to check on me.
(CHUCKLING) Look, I realize sending five e-mails with all my preferences may have been overkill, and if you want to make the stuffing without mushrooms, that is totally okay with me.
Although mushrooms are my favorite.
Okay.
And if you don't want to make both apple and pecan pie, I totally get it.
But it wouldn't feel like Thanksgiving without both.
You already said that in all your e-mails.
Yes! Hey, guys, you know how I'm always in the hospital's "Hot Doctor" calendar for charity? Yes, it's been your birthday gift to me for the last three years.
Well, guess what They have just chosen me to be July.
(GASPS) July?! That's the sexiest month.
Good-bye turtleneck, hello mankini.
The photo shoot is Friday, so you can reduce your Thanksgiving servings by one, as I will now be fasting for the next three days.
What? You're fasting on Thanksgiving? That's not in the spirit of the holiday.
I have to the charity is for world hunger, so I'm starving myself in solidarity, but mostly so I look shredded.
- Touchdown! - That's what I'm talking about! Yeah! (EXHALES, STOMACH GROWLS) Andrew, is that your stomach? Yeah, he hasn't eaten in 48 hours.
Dad, that is the sound of my abs applauding victory.
Okay, up, up, up.
Mom, how come you're not wearing pajamas? I'm not wearing pajamas because you invited Nana, who has certain expectations that are impossible to meet.
You know, for a boy who's always made me proud - Yeah? - That's it.
(DOORBELL RINGS) My mother's here.
Okay, guys here's Nana! NICK: Hey, hey, hey.
That's not Nana.
That is not Nana.
That's not Nana.
It's not? ALL: No.
We are so sorry.
How did this happen? Look, man, I just said I was there to pick up Mrs.
Roberts, and this is who they gave me.
My last name is Robbins.
Then why didn't you say something? Why did you touch my boob? Oh, no, no.
Uh-uh.
I told you I was reaching for your seat belt.
No - I'll, uh - I'll drive her back.
Thank you.
In eight hours, when my shift is done.
She's difficult, oh I can't believe Nana's not here for Thanksgiving.
No, what a terrible mistake.
(LAUGHING) Oh, anyone else in the mood for champagne? Okay, okay.
Little Thanksgiving snafu, but these things happen.
Yeah, yeah, you read about these Thanksgiving kidnappings all the time.
I'm gonna call the home and check on my mother.
Again, so sorry.
We will have Shady Pines send a car to take you back.
Nope, not doing that.
Excuse me? Come closer, I'll say it again.
- (BLOWS A RASPBERRY) - Geez! Oh, my God.
Why would you want to stay? Got nothing else to do.
But you don't know us, and we don't know you.
My name is Iris, I don't like people, and there is a weird smell in here.
Well, my name is Andrew, and I think that smell is you, and I'm leaving.
(DOOR OPENS) Oh-ho, you are not gonna believe what Josh did this time.
Don't care.
It's two hours till mealtime, and I have to peel, baste, dice, and all the other cooking words.
I thought you said you could do it.
I thought I could, but Thanksgiving is like the Super Bowl of meals.
I feel like when I'm halfway done, Beyoncé should come out and sing a song.
If it's so hard, how come my mom always made it look so easy? That was wrong, I shouldn't have said that.
Look at all this stuff.
I can't do this alone.
I need help.
You don't need help, you need a miracle.
Wow, I should stop talking.
The nursing home is sending a van to pick up Wrong Nana, and my mother is happily enjoying the buffet.
Ah, wonderful.
You know, Judy, you seem borderline thrilled with the mix-up.
Do I? The last time I saw you so happy was when Barbara Streisand made eye contact with you at her concert.
For a moment, we were one.
The truth is, I'm a bit relieved not to have to face a day of criticism from your mother.
Well, you always said that she was critical of you, but I don't see it.
Huh.
Huh.
Well, obviously, your brother got the looks.
What did you get? Oh, Wrong Nana, you remarkable curveball to my perfect Thanksgiving.
You're a real dork, aren't you? Can we get an ETA on that van? Shady Pines said they'll be a while.
They also said, "Good luck.
" Oh, stop grumbling.
- I told you you're not getting any food! - (DOOR OPENS) Someone wanted to say hi.
- Bye.
- (DOOR SHUTS) Oh, hello.
Welcome to our home.
Home is a stretch.
This place is as cold and lifeless as my womb.
Well, which one of you wants to take me to the crapper? - Odd.
- Even.
You won, huh? Yeah, I won.
I'm the big winner.
Oh, so, you don't think your mother is critical? Here we go.
This is the card she sent me on my very first Mother's Day.
"Dear Judy, I suppose you're trying.
" See, what I'm hearing is that she sent you a card.
- How thoughtful.
- Uh-huh.
And what about this note she handed me on our wedding day? "Judy, you were a beautiful bride.
" Mm-mm-mm-mm.
"Please let me know who did your makeup.
She's a miracle worker.
" My takeaway is that she feels close enough to you to share her opinion.
And my takeaway is that she's quite close enough to me now where she is in New Jersey.
(DOOR CLOSES) Aww.
Look at the two lovebirds staring into each other's eyes.
Ugh, read a room.
This lady just used our bathroom, and, uh, I don't want to get into it, but you owe us two decorative hand towels and a bathmat.
What do you mean, she's all mine? Who's "all mine"? (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) (STAMMERS) Uh, I can't do this.
I haven't eaten in two days.
My fingers are starting to look like carrots, and the carrots are starting to look like fingers.
Here.
I need you to blanch these green beans.
- What does "blanch" mean? - I don't know.
That's what it says in the How to Make Food book.
Oh, it's halftime, bro.
Time to throw that ball.
Anything to get away from this food.
I'm sorry, baby.
You deserve better, but this is what you got.
Package delivery, ha, ha.
No signature required, ha, ha.
Okay, bye.
So you all live here, next door to each other.
Is it an incest thing? Or are you just a bunch of codependent losers? The second one.
This is what I'm talking about.
Thanksgiving.
Football.
Brothers.
How great is this? Dude, we do this, like, once a week.
I know, but this is, like, a moment of fun in what has turned out to be a nightmare of a day.
Mom and Dad are fighting, you're fasting, I may be an accomplice to kidnapping an old lady who is very unpleasant to deal with.
Well, at least it couldn't get any worse.
(KNOCKING ON WINDOW) (SCREAMS) Is it bad? - No.
Uh-uh.
No.
- I don't think so.
They're lying.
It's bad.
What? Oh, my face! I can't be in the calendar, now.
There's not a mankini in the world tight enough to make this okay.
It's too bad.
All you had going for you were your looks.
Three days of starving for nothing.
Thanks, Josh.
Well, on the bright side, you can eat Thanksgiving dinner.
I'm not waiting for dinner.
Andrew, no come on.
Dinner's gonna be ready in a half an hour.
Ooh, let's order a pizza.
I just told you that my food was gonna be ready in a half an hour.
I know, dear, that's why I suggested a pizza.
You complain about having a critical mother-in-law, you're a critical mother-in-law.
Wrong Nana, I like you.
Good.
Then she can be your second wife.
Don't get your hopes up.
For the love of God, where's the van? Well, while we're waiting, anybody in the mood for some charades? - Give it a rest.
- No, Josh.
No one wants to play your stupid game.
Just like no one wanted to stay home for Thanksgiving.
If we'd gone to the restaurant, my eye would be fine.
I'd still be in the calendar, making the world a sexier place for 31 days next July.
And I wouldn't have had to spend all of today cooking.
JUDY: And if you hadn't invited Nana, Daddy and I wouldn't be fighting.
And we could have kept our issue buried deep where it belongs.
Okay, well, you know what? Forget it.
I wanted to have Thanksgiving at home because I thought it might actually be nice.
Clearly, I was wrong.
ANDREW: Well, he has some nerve.
Yeah.
He was the one who ruined today.
I don't know what's gotten into him.
Whatever it is, he gets it from your mother.
People like you are the reason I hate people.
You don't even know us.
I know you are so vain that you care more about looking good on some lame calendar than enjoying your ugly brother's first Thanksgiving back home.
She's right.
Who fasts on Thanksgiving? Oh, who are you to talk? You and your husband are so petty, you've spent the whole day squabbling over a woman who Case closed Is the biggest bitch at Shady Pines.
That's my mother.
That's why I didn't say "slut.
" But the point is, all the kid wanted was to have a nice time with his family.
God knows why.
I just realized something.
That we should've made more of an effort? No.
The van isn't coming 'cause they don't want her back.
(DOOR OPENS) Josh, we're coming out! Why are you announcing it? Because it's not a good idea to startle someone when they're standing at the edge of a balcony.
That's how Maureen Dannon accidentally killed her husband Jerry.
Well, that's what Maureen says, but I think Jerry wanted to go.
Dude, we're sorry.
Yeah, Joshie, we were all pretty selfish today.
Well, not me.
I spent the day slaving away to make your food, but yes, I agree.
They were monsters.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Thanks, guys.
I guess I just wanted everything to be the way it was.
Sounds like you wanted The Beatles to get back together.
What? People always told John Lennon they wanted The Beatles to get back together, but he thought what they really wanted was for them to be like they were back when The Beatles were a band.
Yeah.
I get that, Dad.
I just have so many great memories from that time before I left for L.
A.
Well, now, you can make new memories.
With us.
Well, not just with you.
Hopefully, I'll meet someone, have a family of my own, and move out of the building.
Move out? Judy, step away from the railing.
(CHUCKLES) (HOOTING) (LAUGHS) - Monkey! - Yep.
Adorable monkey.
- (LAUGHTER) - King Kong.
Uh, Josh.
Josh needing attention, uh, Josh losing the last bit of respect his brother had for him, um (HOOTING) Uh, Planet of the Apes? - Yes! Yes! - Oh! Good one, Judy.
This is really fun.
Not just 'cause I'm winning.
I agree.
It's great to have Thanksgiving at home.
You see? I guess the dork apple doesn't fall far from the dork tree.
My turn, creeps! Okay, Wrong Nana, you got it.
Take it away.
Okay, movie.
Uh, three words.
First word.
"Sleep.
" Sleepless in Seattle.
Sleepers.
No, has to be three words.
Maybe it's Frozen? Three words.
She's really committing to this clue.
(CHUCKLING): Yeah.
Is she okay? How is this happening? Uh-oh.
(YELLS) (SCREAMING) - God! - Oh! Oh, Nana! Oh, good Lord, can't a woman fall asleep here for five seconds without getting felt up? So it turns out an Uber to New Jersey on Thanksgiving costs only slightly less than buying a new car.
But still, money well spent.
Would've been better spent if we'd done it three hours ago.
Mm.
What was that about? Ah, life's too short for petty squabbles.
And Wrong Nana made me realize something.
Your mother could've been a lot worse.
- Turkey is ready.
- Thanksgiving is on.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, well, everybody, here is Thanksgiving dinner.
It looks gorgeous.
Sure does, babe.
Eve, before we begin, I would like to say that, uh, Wrong Nana was right.
I can be a critical mother-in-law.
I would like to try to be less so.
Thank you, Judy.
(EVE SIGHS) Okay, everybody, dig in.
All right.
(LAUGHS) So what do you think? I think you have accomplished your goal of preparing food.
Yes.
There is food here.
It's all over the table.
Yeah, way to go, honey.
Why didn't anyone stop me? Well, I wouldn't say it was traditional, Josh, but it was a pretty great Thanksgiving, huh? This is exactly what I wanted.
I'm stuffed, and surrounded by my favorite people.
(DOOR OPENS) Guess who's back, bitches! - The Uber driver returned her.
- Yeah.
He said life's too short.