A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

1 (THEME SONG PLAYING) - sync and correctins by Count C - Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode Is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The lumbermill is where the Baudelaires Are forced to work The eye doctor is sinister The owner is a jerk They end up in a fiendish plot With logs and hypnotism The very thought of watching Should be met with skepticism Just look away, look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away, look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away (MR.
POE COUGHING) (CRYING GENTLY) (SNIVELING) I've called every town, business and bus stop within 100 miles of Lake Lachrymose, and no one has seen the Baudelaires.
(CONTINUES COUGHING) I'm finished, Eleanora! (GASPING) If I hadn't lost those orphans, I'd be getting a promotion right now.
(SOBS) Mr.
Tamerlane is gonna fire me at any time.
- (PHONE RINGING) - (SCREAMS) That's him! Pick it up! No, don't pick it up! Answer it! Hang up! - No! Yes! No - (SCREAMS) Get a hold of yourself! (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) (STAMMERING) Poe speaking.
(TAMERLANE) Poe, this is Tamerlane.
I've received orders that I can't let you go.
But if you don't find those orphans, I'll make sure you end up handing out cannoli to incontinent adults on the new accounts desk.
- Am I clear? - Yes, Mr.
Tamerlane, yes.
(SNIVELS) Take it off.
- No.
- Take it off.
(CRYING) No! No, please.
(SOBBING) No, don't make No.
Call me when you've found those orphans.
(CLEARS THROAT) Leave it to me, Artie.
Before I was editor in chief of the Daily Punctilio, I cut my teeth as an investigative journalist.
(PANTING) Oh.
It's time I got back to my roots.
LEMONY: "Seeing in black and white" is a way of saying that a person looks at the world in a manner that is oversimplified and often incorrect.
Like many newspapers, the Daily Punctilio is printed in black and white, and its look at the world is oversimplified and often incorrect.
The death of noted scientist Dr.
Montgomery Montgomery was not due to snake allergies.
The destruction of Josephine Anwhistle's home was not the work of a cabal of real estate agents.
Lemony Snicket is not dead.
I am sorry to say that there was not a terrible accident at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill during the Baudelaires' time there.
There were two.
It is my duty to report these events correctly, the way they actually happened.
But if you prefer to look at the world in black and white, then you should avert your eyes or pick up a newspaper instead.
Because I know the shocking truth behind the accidents at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill, and I can assure you it's better if you can't see.
- Thank you.
I can see.
- (ORWELL) Well, of course you can.
I'm an excellent optometrist, no matter what the medical board says.
Well, hello, little girls.
What are your names? You know our names, and that wig and that lipstick don't fool us.
(GASPS) I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm Dr.
Orwell's receptionist.
My name is Shirley.
- You mean Shirley Count Olaf? - Actually, my last name is St.
Ives.
It says so on my name tag, see? - What have you done to Klaus? - (ORWELL) You were right.
These children are horribly impolite.
They really should be more careful, Dr.
Orwell.
If they were to do something impolite to me, like, for example, call me by the wrong name, I would have to do something impolite to them, like, for example, tear their hair out with my bare hands.
Cookie? (HORN HONKS) What's all this? I don't pay you in gum to stand around gabbing! (PANTING) Oh, hello, children.
I hope you're having a nice visit with the optometrist.
Charles, you have to listen.
This woman is a notorious villain.
- And she's not a woman.
- (SIR) Nonsense! Dr.
Orwell has provided free eye exams to Lucky Smells employees for years.
And there's nothing villainous about free healthcare.
Clearly she's a woman.
Look at her pantsuit.
I'm surprised at you, Baudelaires.
Women can be doctors just as men can be receptionists.
I'm talking about the receptionist.
Hi, I'm Cookie.
Shirley? - (GRUNTS) I'm Shirley.
Cookie? - Don't mind if I do.
Did you consider our little proposal? - What proposal? - (GRUNTS) It doesn't concern you, Charles.
Doesn't concern me? I'm your partner.
I I haven't seen you in my chair.
- I have excellent vision.
- Well, vision changes.
Just as I suspected.
Cloudy, dull.
- What color is this newspaper? - Hmm, black and white? And color-blind, too.
You must come see me right away.
Can't have a cloudy, dull-eyed partner.
How would you make my omelets? Now, ladies, would you like a ride? (CHUCKLES) Handsome and a gentleman.
(SIR) Pleasure.
- Let's go, Charles.
- (HORN HONKS) - (ORWELL) Hur-rah! - (CHARLES GRUNTS) What a nice lady.
Flacutono: Lucky Smells visiting hours are over.
- (HORN BLARING) - Get back to work! - Yes, sir.
- (SIGHS) (MACHINERY WHIRRING) FLACUTONO: Lucky boy, would you like to turn on the stamping machine? Yes, sir.
Klaus? I wish I knew.
There's nothing to worry about.
Your brother is smiling.
He would never operate a machine without reading the manual first.
He's operating it perfectly.
You're doing great, Klaus! Move as fast as you can and then move faster! Count Olaf and Dr.
Orwell did something to Klaus.
He's not himself.
One moment he's normal, and the next he's like a zombie.
I saw a scary movie like that once.
Was it Zombies in the Snow? What? No.
It was Hypnotists in the Forest.
To be honest with you, I didn't really get it.
But I loved the fact that it was in black and white.
FLACUTONO: Focus, lumber minions! Did you just say "hypnotists"? Cheer up.
I'm sure that if you look on the bright side Look on your right side! - Get out of the way! - (MEN GROAN) Code red! Code red! Get out of the way! Whoa! (GRUNTS) - Ah! - (GROANS) - (SCREAMING) - (SCREAMING) - (GRUNTS) - They won't stop coming, Dolores.
(STAMMERS) They're like zombies, only different.
I'm afraid they've been hypnotized.
Many people think hypnosis is only in scary movies.
Dolores, avert your eyes! - (GRUNTS) - But, Dolores, no! Those people are wrong.
The Encyclopedia Hypnotica tells of a woman who, whenever she'd hear the word "omelet," would cluck like a chicken.
(CLUCKING) - What are you doing? - (CLUCKS) And a man who, upon hearing the word "Nero," could suddenly play an instrument he'd never studied.
Dolores, put down that violin! The Encyclopedia Hypnotica does not mention the fatal accident that happened during the Baudelaires' time at Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
"Fatal" is a word here which means "caused the death of one person who it is my solemn duty to inform you was not Phil.
" (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) - MAN: We're here for you, Phil.
- JIMMY: Come on.
- You're gonna be all right.
- Bear down now, Phil.
I'm okay! (WHIMPERS) Flacutono: Code red! Code red! Code red! - Code red! Code red! - (GRUNTS) What's going on out there? - Code red! - (ALL GRUNTING) JIMMY: It's too heavy! It won't budge! (GRUNTS) (PHIL GROANING) I was saving that for later.
- (ELECTRICITY SURGING) - (MACHINE POWERING UP) (GROANING) - Oh! - Oh, boy! (LAUGHING) Half-price pedicures for life! If somebody can help me up to my foot, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get back to work.
(LAUGHING) You need to go to a hospital.
We earned those coupons last month.
50% off Ahab Memorial.
Uh, two of us will chip in.
- We'll get your leg fixed up.
- It can't be fixed.
Oh! I wouldn't say that.
I mean, Phil's leg is going to need some eh help.
But, uh, we're fortunate that, uh, the damage wasn't worse.
Wasn't worse? The debarker dispenser is destroyed.
- Who's responsible? - Klaus Baudelaire caused the accident.
He said he knew how to operate heavy machinery.
- That's not true.
- Well, now I know that.
I meant it was a mistake.
Excuses, excuses.
Just like your parents.
They burnt down the town, and now you've come back to finish the job.
Sir, be reasonable.
Perhaps we should reevaluate our safety procedures.
Or perhaps we shouldn't let children near dangerous machines.
I got a better solution.
One more mistake, Baudelaires, and I'm gonna send you away to a place where you'll learn the value of discipline and child labor.
As it happens, I have just the place in mind.
Now get back to work! This mistake has cost me an inordinate amount of money.
It was an accident.
Klaus didn't mean to hurt Phil.
I know it.
I'm sorry.
When Sir gets like this, there's nothing I can do.
So you're just gonna do nothing? If you can't speak up for us, at least speak up for yourself.
(SIGHS) You're right, my dear.
I've been a silent partner for too long.
And this mill it has too many secrets.
It's time you learnt one about your parents.
(SIR) Charles? - Meet me after lunch in the library.
- You can't tell us now? Well, I would, but I've got an appointment.
I don't understand.
Everyone is staring at me like I'm a pariah.
"Pariah" means "outcast.
" Klaus, it's you.
- What happened to Phil? - PHIL: I'm okay.
We need to talk.
If the world ever feels confusing, as if people are having secret meetings to plot against you behind your back, it's useful to know they are.
And the odd behavior of Klaus Baudelaire could be traced to a secret meeting that happened not long after the Baudelaires arrived at Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Like most things from the past, it's best seen in black and white.
We have a good deal, you and I.
You provide a steady stream of employees for me to practice my craft, and I send them back after I've fixed how they see.
Frankly, I never thought weekly eye exams would have such an impact on employee morale.
Oops! I dropped a pen on the floor.
Would you mind helping me look for it? Does he really not know how you make his workers so compliant? - Doesn't know, doesn't want to know.
- (SIGHS) He gets free labor, we split the profits 50-50.
You're terrible, and I love it.
Found it.
You said you had some business to discuss.
Actually, my receptionist has a story to share.
It's okay, Shirley.
My name is Shirley.
I'm a poor receptionist who lives all alone and wants very much to raise children of her own.
Alas, the helter-skelter life of a working girl has left me no time to find a partner, and the cruel reality of adoption economics has left me unable to purchase even the runtiest of orphans.
And so I wait and work and grow old dreaming of children.
Three of them to be precise.
A bucktoothed baby, a smarty-pants little boy and a girl with an enormous fortune.
Uh, uh bank account.
Uh, uh heart.
Thank you.
- (SOBS SOFTLY) - (SIR) It's a moving story.
And frankly, it's a coincident that defies belief.
But a trio of orphans with those exact qualities arrived at the mill just yesterday.
- I'll take them.
- Excuse me? I mean, don't you want to see those children in a loving home? Absolutely not.
(VOICE DEEPENS) Beg your pardon? They're an economic bonanza.
They do the work of an adult for half the gum.
What kind of a businessman would I be to part with them? What would make you part with them? I suppose if they became costly.
What might make them costly? They made a (SMACKS LIPS) costly mistake.
- Like a fatal accident? - A bit drastic, but Deal! Oops! Dropped another pen.
Did you hear that? All we have to do is get one of those brats to murder someone.
Oh, they'll never do that.
They're total goody two-shoes.
You so underestimate me.
Hmm, I smell an evil plan.
Thank you so much for your time, Sir.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) I can't believe it.
It does sound like something from a scary movie.
I believe that part.
I read the Encyclopedia Hypnotica last year.
I can't believe I hurt Phil.
And I almost hurt you, Sunny.
I didn't mean to.
Charles will be back soon.
He wants to help us.
No.
If Dr.
Orwell did something to my brain, I have to fix it.
You can't go back there.
It's too dangerous.
I don't care.
I have to know.
What if you get hurt? What if I cause another accident and hurt more people? You're the one that wanted to stay here.
You wanted to find out what our parents were doing in this town.
And I'm sorry I put us in danger.
I don't know why they blame our parents for the fire, and I don't care anymore.
I just want you to be safe.
Count Olaf is here.
- We have to leave.
- And we will.
When I get back from Dr.
Orwell's.
(SIGHS) What's that thing Samuel Beckett said? "I can't go on.
I'll go on.
" Let's go on.
Together.
Was it fatal? Just a leg? (GROANS) Call me when there's a real maiming.
And don't take your eyes off those orphans! - (GROANS) - Well, this one's too easy.
There's just no challenge when they love taking orders.
Those are covered in eye junk.
Order me a new box of gloves.
Do I look like your receptionist? Yes, now act like one.
You wouldn't have the Baudelaires at all if it weren't for me.
I don't have them.
You were supposed to hypnotize the bookworm into causing a fatal accident.
Don't blame me for that.
I'm running a business while you're running around wearing my clothes.
How quickly we fall into old routines.
Perhaps some old flames are better snuffed out.
Oh, Georgina you little minx.
(CHUCKLES) You have lipstick on your teeth.
Yes, it's part of my character.
(ORWELL) I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
Partner trouble.
But you'd know all about that, Charles.
(ROBOTICALLY) Yes, sir.
She has Charles.
Now, Charles, would you like to look at the screen and tell me what you see? - Orphans.
- Dangerous orphans.
Charles, don't you think your partner and you would be a lot happier without these orphans around? We could finally be happy without those orphans around.
She's hypnotizing him.
You will awaken from your trance when I say the word SHIRLEY: Charles would you like to do your impersonation of a chicken? - (CLUCKING) - I told you to wait in the waiting room.
- SHIRLEY: Did you? I must've forgot.
- (ORWELL) Mmm.
- (SQUAWKS) - Charles, would you like to stop? - That's Shirley? - We should go before she sees us.
Wait.
I really wanna practice saying the secret words.
Why? So you could take over and you wouldn't need me anymore? - (GASPS) Someone has trust issues.
- Of course I do.
I dated you! - Secret words? - (SHIRLEY AND ORWELL BICKER) According to the Encyclopedia Hypnotica, a hypnotist chooses one word to induce hypnotic suggestion, like "Nero" or or "omelet," and another one to break it.
Charles, would you tell Dr.
Orwell to please stop bringing up the past? Stop bringing up the past.
Charles, would you tell Count Olaf to stop talking in that voice? Stop talking in that voice.
- (AS OLAF) You drank all of my wine.
- You poisoned my coffee.
- You tried to hypnotize me! - It was the only way to shut you up! - (FLOORBOARD CREAKS) - What was that? There's nothing up there.
If there's nothing up there, then what was that noise? (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (FOOTSTEPS RECEDING) - (GASPS) - (SCREAMING) Sorry about that.
We all have skeletons in our closet, metaphorically, meaning things from our past we'd prefer not leave lying around because they are painful or incriminating or would create unnecessary clutter.
In my closet, I keep a 200-page book written by the woman I loved, explaining at great length and in specific detail the reason she could not marry me, which, if I were to leave out in the open, I would find myself reading over and over.
It would be as if my darling Beatrice were bringing me bad news every day and every night of my life.
Unless you are a murderer or a taxidermist, it is rare to have actual skeletons in your closet, as opposed to metaphorical ones.
But as Klaus had just discovered Dr.
Orwell's closet had both.
(GASPING) Nothing to be frightened of.
I'm sure many doctors have skeletons to study anatomy.
I suppose they could keep them in closets.
But Dr.
Orwell's an eye doctor.
Skeletons don't even have eyes.
Look.
- What are those? - Records.
Not that type of record, Sunny.
Medical records.
For employee eye exams.
I don't think Charles and I were the only victims of Dr.
Orwell's hypnosis.
I think it's the entire mill.
That's why they never leave and why they're happy to work for coupons and gum.
It's probably why they think our parents started that fire.
We need to figure out the word that breaks the trance.
- We can use the library.
- We might not need the library.
Are you sure you're not still hypnotized? (SIGHS) After Phil's accident, do you remember the word that brought me back to normal? VIOLET: I can't remember.
We don't have to go back.
We can run away.
- What if Count Olaf finds us again? - We'll protect each other.
How will we protect each other if one of us is under a hypnotic trance? And we'd be abandoning those workers.
They're victims of Dr.
Orwell, too.
Our parents wanted us to be safe.
We don't know what they wanted.
Not anymore.
We don't know why they were in Paltryville.
We don't know why there were so many things they never told us.
But we do know how we remember them.
And the parents I remember would've wanted us to help.
Then we go back.
Trying to run away, are ya? (SIR) I'm not an idiot.
I've been trying to figure out what to do with you since you caused that accident that crushed a man's debarker dispenser.
That glib attitude will get you nowhere.
Now, you wanna hear the good news or the bad news first? The the bad news.
There's a local receptionist who wants children of her own.
You make one more mistake, and I'm gonna be forced to sack you and send you to live with her.
I've interviewed her about her parenting methods, and I can vouch for her fully.
You can't send us to live with Shirley.
And Klaus isn't responsible for that accident.
- He was hypno - (COUGHING) - He was hyp - (COUGHING CONTINUES) He was hypnotized, just like the rest of the workers here! (CLEARS THROAT) I don't care what my employees do for a hobby.
(COUGHS) Do you even know what's going at this mill? Are you aware of anything outside that horrible cloud of smoke? "Don't ask, don't tell.
" That's my motto.
Now is there anything else? What's the good news? It will build character.
I was willing to forgive the accident.
You three are an economic bonanza, and I'm a softie at heart.
But my partner convinced me that I need to be a little more inflexible.
Isn't that right, Charles? We'll finally be happy without those orphans around.
"It'll build character.
" That's just something people say when they're trying to make others accept a miserable situation.
It is miserable.
If we can't find the word to break your hypnosis, you could cause another accident and we'd be in the hands of Count Olaf.
You mean Shirley.
- He looks like Father - When he went BOTH: To the masquerade ball.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) I don't want you to go away again.
(KLAUS SIGHS) It seems darker in here without Phil to find the bright side.
It seems darker 'cause it is.
Sir won't let us keep the lights on.
He says we need to cut corners to pay for a new debarker dispenser.
I'm surprised they can show their faces after what they did to Phil.
It's not your fault.
You're right.
It's Count Olaf's.
They're a wretched pair of villains, and they deserve each other.
They deserve to be locked away for a very long time.
But for that to happen, we have to find the word that wakes everyone up.
So what do we do? Say a bunch of words out loud and hope one of them works? Maybe this can help.
(KLAUS CLEARS THROAT) "Aardvark.
" "Abacus.
" MAN: Shh! "Aberrant.
" You're waking everyone up.
There has to be a better way.
(DOOR OPENING) (FLACUTONO BREATHING HEAVILY) Lucky boy would you like to get to work? MRS.
QUAGMIRE: Things look bad.
Sometimes when things look bad, they turn out to be worse.
There are fires all around us, literally and figuratively.
Then it's time we mount a vigorous fire defense.
Isadora: Why do they keep talking about fire? - DUNCAN: I know, right? - We can hear you back there.
If you'd gone to my school, you would have flunked eavesdropping.
What kind of school teaches eavesdropping? Come on, children.
It's past your bedtime.
- We've got a big day tomorrow.
- What's tomorrow? It's a secret.
You've been fortunate so far, you little twerp.
But not anymore.
Yeah, you tell 'em, boss.
One more accident, and you're mine.
And this will be the worst accident the lumbermill has ever seen.
(CHARLES WHISTLING) OLAF: Now, you lucky brat, would you like to send that log into that saw? - Yes, sir.
- Klaus, don't do it! Well, well, well.
If it isn't the other two.
You're just in time to see the accident.
It's not an accident.
You're doing this on purpose! Let's not split hairs.
That's Klaus' job.
And you can shout as much as you want.
Your brother isn't here right now.
Poor little orphan.
Haven't you learned anything this year? Week? Season? Wherever you go, I will be waiting.
Wherever you hide, I will hunt you down.
I'm smarter.
I'm pluckier.
I'm stronger.
Put some lower back into it! (CHARLES CONTINUES WHISTLING) (CHUCKLES) I'm unstoppable! Why do you hate us so much? Because it's fun.
How are you doing back there, Charles? Oh! Just peachy! (CHUCKLES) Wait till Sir finds out that his partner's been turned into human boards.
I bet he won't even wait until the morning to fire (GASPS) (MUMBLES) Where am I? What's going on? Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Fire! The secret word is "fire.
" Klaus, fire! Turn off the machine! Nice try.
But did you really think we'd use the same word on your bratty brother that we used on the mill workers? You will never find the word to save your brother.
And you certainly won't find it in time to save Charles.
Help me! Help me! OLAF: Sorry, Charlie.
No one's coming to help you now.
CHARLES: Help me! (SHOUTING) Where did the girl go? Perhaps you've been told never to shout "fire" in a public place.
When you shout "fire" and there isn't one, it can cause chaos.
Of course, when you shout "fire" and there is one, it can cause chaos but also save lives.
Still, there are times when shouting "fire" can save lives even when there isn't one.
For example, you may be trapped in a motel room with your enemies waiting outside.
Shouting "fire" will cause the kind of chaos that will allow you to escape undetected.
Therefore, the life it saves will be your own.
(YELLING) Fire! Fire! (VOICE ECHOING) Fire! Fire! - (OVER PA) Fire! Fire! - Where am I? LEMONY: If you're in a town where the workers have been warned never to talk about a terrible fire, not because it was too terrible Why does my mouth taste like gum? because the word "fire" would awaken them from a state of complacency induced by hypnosis, shouting "fire" would cause chaos and save lives.
Of course, there is the single most important time to shout "fire," and that is when there is one.
Sometimes, even shouting "fire" cannot save every life.
(WORKERS CLAMORING) (MAN SHOUTS) Get 'em! What have you done? Shut the door! (CHARLES WHIMPERING) Help me! Help me! Open up! We want answers! (CHARLES WHIMPERING) Thank you, thank you! (CHUCKLING) Lucky, would you like to cut the log faster? Lucky, would you like to reverse the direction of the log? - Lucky, push that lever forward! - Lucky, pull the lever backward! Lucky, push! - Lucky, pull! - (ORWELL) Lucky! Don't listen to your sister.
Hey, why didn't you think of that? I just stopped by to see if everything was running smoothly, and I'm glad I did.
- Because it wasn't.
- Ah! How did you even get inside? There's an angry mob at the door.
You're right.
I don't trust you with all my secrets.
Oh, oh, oh! You know, they say holding a baby can make all these deep, primal parenting instincts kick in.
- I don't see it.
- Sunny! Shh! Lucky would you like to send that log into that saw? Yes, sir.
- (WORKERS CLAMORING) - NORMA RAE: We want fair wages! You think you're so superior, with your fancy optometry degree and weird hypnosis thing.
Well, I don't need a partner.
I was better off alone, where my plots were simple and straightforward and didn't involve any high-concept science fiction gimmicks.
Are you breaking up with me again? No, I'm breaking up with you again! (ORWELL) You're being insensitive.
- You're being inor - Oh, don't say the word! - Inordinate.
- An inordinate Inordinate! Klaus, inordinate! Now he's unhypnotized.
How in the world does a child know a word like "inordinate"? These brats know all kind of words.
They're book addicts.
But there is still time to cause an accident and get their fortune! Oh, no, you can't.
(PANTING) Now put my sister down.
Yes, you may have saved Charles, but there will still be a fatal accident at the lumbermill tonight.
- Oh, there you are.
- (BABBLES) If you want our fortune, you can have it.
Just leave Sunny alone! You think you're so clever, but you only see in black and white.
Just like your parents.
They were shortsighted, too.
With their, "You can't hypnotize people!" And, "What about free will?" And, "We're going to kick you out and have your license revoked, and if we ever have children, we're never gonna let you anywhere near them!" Well, I showed them! I don't think I can hold them off much longer, boss! I'll show everyone! It was never about the fortune.
- It's about - Ah! (SHOUTING) (GASPS AND SCREAMS) (ALL EXCLAIM) Sometimes when we are startled by a loud noise or an angry mob looking to confront their hypnotist, we take a step back.
Dr.
Orwell was right.
There was a fatal accident at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill that night.
(GLASS SHATTERING) How can anyone run in these things? - Sorry about the doc, boss.
- Are you kidding? I'm a free man.
I am never taking a partner again.
From now on, Count Olaf works alone! Can I get a boost? (SPITS) (BOTH GRUNT) OLAF: Oh, careful, careful.
Come on! (OLAF EXCLAIMS AND SCREAMS) (GRUNTS AND SCREAMS) - (THUDS) - OLAF: You ripped my hem! (RETREATING FOOTSTEPS) I don't recall assigning a night shift! But I fully approve.
Keep this up and you'll earn your dorm lights back in no time.
- What do we want? - ALL: Freedom! Hey.
Hey, wait.
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! (SOFTLY) That's it.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
- MAN: Cheese.
(GROANS) - ELEANORA: Oh! MR.
POE: Hypnosis, child labor, Count Olaf in a dress! (CHUCKLES) You children certainly have lively imaginations.
But a lumbermill is no substitute for a proper guardian.
You're fortunate that my wife is such a great investigative journalist.
How did she find us? (CHUCKLES) I heard there was an accident at the lumbermill, so I came right away.
So you found us by accident? - Exactly.
(CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES) You're fantastic! I had to! Trust your instincts.
- Every time.
Every - Absolutely.
We never found out what caused that fire.
We know it wasn't our parents.
We don't know if Count Olaf will turn up again.
We know Dr.
Orwell won't.
We never solved the mystery of this photograph.
Oh! Baudelaires I want to thank you for saving my life.
Because of your quick thinking, I only have a small cut on my foot.
You certainly are clever children.
- Are you leaving Paltryville? - I'm gonna search for Sir.
He may not have been a good partner, or a good boss or a good person but someday you'll learn things aren't always black and white.
Ooh, that reminds me.
I thought you should see this.
(GRUNTS) Well, tallyho! "Chapter 12.
The Paltryville Fire.
" It's a page from Sir's book.
"The Baudelaires were unequivocally responsible" "for putting out the fire and helping the survivors get back on their feet.
" (BOTH CHUCKLE SOFTLY) Look on the bright side.
You're alive! (CHUCKLES) Officer.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) I think you children will have a good home here.
I hope so anyway, because I've just received a promotion.
Vice President of Orphan Affairs.
Which means I'll be too busy to check in on you orphans.
What's our new guardian's name? Guardian? Oh, no.
Good God, no.
I couldn't find a single one willing to take you in.
Not after what happened to the last three.
Uh, two.
No, four.
Oh, no, children, you're going to boarding school.
It's the end of the season, um, semester, so you're gonna have to work very hard to catch up.
It won't be easy, but I promise you it will build character.
Here's a fun bit of trivia.
The architect who built this school was severely depressed.
I always wanted to go to boarding school.
Rules, traditions Why, I'd give every last suit just to wear a uniform.
(COUGHING) (GULPS) The office is over there.
You can wait on that bench.
You're not coming with us? Oh, this has already taken up much too long already.
Banking hours.
Um I do want you children to know (COUGHS) I hope you find comfort here.
(COUGHS) Um, this came to the bank for you.
I assume it's junk mail.
I can't imagine that you know anyone in South America, or why the return address is from my secretary.
Um (CHUCKLES) So long, Baudelaires.
The statue woman said she'd get it back.
Do you think she'll find us again? Klaus we're on our own.
LEMONY: In a world both frightening and unlucky, there are a few comforts.
One of them is making new friends.
Friends can make you feel the world is smaller and safer than it really is, because you know people who have similar experiences.
When you meet people like that, you may find your world feels a little more complete.
Like the missing piece of a puzzle or two halves of a broken spyglass.
Click.
(VIOLIN PLAYING RAPIDLY) You may think that the Baudelaires Ought to prevail And be tucked some place All safe and sound Count Olaf captured And rotting in jail His henchpeople nowhere around But there's no happy endings Not here and not now This tale is all sorrows and woes You dream that justice And peace win the day But that's not how the story goes You might think that two parents Both brave and both true Would live till a nice ripe old age But I'm sad to say I have bad news for you The curtain rings down on the stage Yes, there's no happy endings Not here and not now This tale is all sorrows and woes You might dream that justice And peace win the day But that's not how the story goes I once loved a girl And she thought well of me We thought we'd be happy together But now I'm alone As you can well see And she's cold in her grave forever There's no happy endings Not here and not now This tale is all sorrows and woes You might dream that justice And peace win the day But that's not how the story goes The world is a pair Of ill-fitting pants And other dire hideous clothes You may think that three children Would lead pleasant lives But that's not how the story goes Some people smile At the end of the day Some people laugh, I suppose But to me there's nothing But gloom and despair That's just how the story goes That's just how the story (COUGHING) (SUNNY WHISTLING) (VOCALIZING) (CONTINUES WHISTLING) (MR.
POE CONTINUES VOCALIZING) - Mmm, that's nice.
- (RADIO DIAL CLICKS) (INSTRUMENTAL THEME MUSIC PLAYS)