A Tale Dark & Grimm (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

1
[clunking, whirring]
[whooshing]
[pleasant fairy tale music plays]
[William] Once upon a time,
fairy tales were awesome.
We know, you don't believe us.
You think fairy tales are cute
and pink and full of fairies.
[chitters]
-[whacks]
-Well, they're not.
-Real fairy tales are scary.
-[thuds]
-[adventurous music plays]
-[cawing]
Follow two children
as they venture off into a dark tale.
-A scary tale.
-[barking]
-A strange tale.
-[howls]
[roars]
-[shrieks]
-A… Wait a minute.
Are you even old enough for this?
-[thudding]
-You really think you can handle it?
[demons chuckle, gibber]
-[music rising]
-[sizzles, bubbles]
[pleasant music plays]
Once upon a time, the most faithful
servant in all the land died,
leaving two children unsure
of what to do next.
Ooh, spoiler alert,
we're near the end, like the end end.
We're finally gonna be done
with this story.
And then the curse will be broken
and we'll turn back into people again.
Not me, bro. Raven for life!
Whoo!
We'll still hang out, right?
-Uh, of course.
-Uh, I don't think so.
[sighs] I hope you never need these, Jojo.
[sniffles] Do you realize what this means?
Yeah, we're terrible at digging graves.
His foot's sticking out.
[grunting, stomping]
It means we'll never find out
why our parents chopped off our heads.
We'll never find out from him.
We could still find out from them.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
We swore we'd never go home again.
Johannes really wanted us to go back.
And he saved my life.
-I feel like we owe it to him.
-Absolutely not.
Okay. Got it.
-Come on.
-[whimsical music plays]
Where are you going?
Home is that way.
Yeah, I know.
I just have a few things to take care of.
You coming?
I'm not going home.
[sighs]
But I'll walk and I'll talk.
Good. It's fun to do things that rhyme.
-[sighs]
-Walk and talk and walk and talk…
So, Hansel and Gretel--
-They're going home, finally!
-They haven't said they're going home yet.
Oh, sure.
Blah, blah, blah, but they're gonna.
And then the story will finally be over,
and I get to be a person again.
So let's move this story along, baby.
So Hansel and Gretel went to the village
with the tree of gold apples,
and the guy there was like,
"Hey, you're that kid."
And Hansel was like, "The Devil put
a mouse under your gold apple tree."
And the guy was like,
"Get out of there, mouse!"
And the tree was like,
"Here's a bunch of gold apples."
And everyone was super happy.
So they gave Hansel a cart
full of gold apples and a horse!
[panting]
Did you have coffee?
Hansel and Gretel went to the other place,
the other guy was like, "It's that kid."
Hansel was like, "There's a frog
under your chocolate fountain."
The guy was like, "Get the frog!"
The frog was like, "Oh no!"
They gave Hansel a big cart
full of chocolate cake.
He's totally gonna get another horse!
And then they were practically home!
[panting]
And now they're back on the road!
Booyah! That's how you move a story along!
You guys have to tell me what coffee is.
-[cawing]
-[pleasant music plays]
So you stole hairs
from the Devil's actual head?
Yeah, and I can't believe
you beat a warlock
and rescued a bunch of girls
who were stuck in birds.
Sort… of.
[gulps]
[solemn music plays]
Gretel, I think we should go home.
No.
But… I don't know.
Things could be different now.
After all we've been through,
we might get a little more… respect?
Hmm. Chopping off someone's head
is very disrespectful.
[sighs] If we did go back,
I bet things would be a lot different.
We're not little kids anymore.
Do you think
we'd still be in our same old room?
Maybe.
Do you think Chef
still does Weiner Wednesdays?
Maybe.
Do you think… they miss us?
[yawns] Too much cake.
[wearily] Getting… sleepy.
-[Hansel] Whoa.
-[Gretel] Huh?
-What happened here?
-[mysterious music plays]
It's Mrs. Baker's cottage!
[Gretel] Ugh. This place.
I was just getting
to where I could eat cake again.
Wait. I remember
how to get home from here.
-Hee-ya!
-[neighs]
Hansel, we still haven't decided
that's where we're going!
-[clatters]
-[whimsical sting]
-[sizzling]
-[gentle guitar music plays]
-[gasps] Whoa!
-[gasps]
-[neighs]
-[tense music plays]
[gentle music continues]
[reins crack]
[wind gusting]
Race you!
Hansel!
[panting] I bet if we go home,
they'll be proud of us.
I bet they'll have
a big celebration with fireworks!
[pants] Maybe.
Let's walk through the village
and see how we feel about it.
[pants] Okay.
[gentle music continues]
[Western showdown music plays]
-[music stops]
-Are you the Prince and Princess?
Yes, we are. How did you know that?
Your faces were on the milk jugs
for the longest time.
Oh, it's so wonderful that you're back.
Now everything's going to be all right!
Maybe.
Here you go, little girl.
-Thank you for welcoming us home.
-[gentle music resumes]
[clinks]
Ow!
What the… Is this a joke?
Oh, very funny, trick the little girl.
-[clanks]
-Ah, I think I broke a tooth!
[Hansel] You're welcome!
Jerks.
-[wind gusting, whistling]
-[gentle music continues]
[leaves rustling]
Where is everybody?
It's weird. It's like they're all hiding.
Well, are we going home?
I mean… we're kind of already home.
We could just… go talk to them.
[sighs]
Okay.
Yes! Ivy and Betty, you wait here.
[neighing]
You named the horses?
I name everything.
My shoes are Karl and Ludwig.
Come on.
[gentle music continues]
[faint sobbing]
It's coming from the blue room.
[sobbing continues]
[Queen gasps, squeals]
-[both gasp]
-[gasps] Gretel! Hansel!
-[gasps]
-[all grunt]
You're alive! Alive!
[both grunt]
My children!
-[laughing happily]
-[both straining]
-[sighs happily]
-[all laughing in relief]
[sentimental music playing]
[relieved laughter continues]
Look at you, Hansel.
So grown up and handsome.
And, Gretel, you've gotten tall enough
to put your foot in a horse's mouth.
[King] Attention!
Our children have returned!
This calls for a celebration!
We'll need fireworks.
-Fireworks?
-Yes!
Lots of fireworks!
[sniffs, gasps]
Also, this calls for a royal cleaning!
But we have to ask you
about why you chopped--
-[clanks]
-[gasps]
[water bubbling]
-[scraping]
-[kids protesting]
-[Gretel] You're pulling!
-[Hansel sputters]
-[scraping]
-[Hansel] That tickles.
-[clacks]
-[wheels squeaking]
-[chuckles]
-Huh?
Okay, we watch the fireworks,
and then we ask them
why they chopped our heads off.
[chuckles] We're almost there.
This is almost the end.
Ooh, when it's over can we do it again?
No! When it's over,
we'll turn back into people!
Only if we finish
telling the story, Jacob.
Once upon a time, two children looked
for some answers from their parents.
Boom! Some kinda pole
straight through his chest.
[munches] Bled out slowly.
-[gulps] This bread is amazing. Is it rye?
-[tense note plays]
Johannes is dead?
Yeah.
Sorry.
He was a good guy.
He told us the whole story of how you met,
and all the curses
and how he turned to stone.
After all that, I can't believe he's dead.
[gulps]
The point is,
he didn't get to the important part.
-You know?
-[King sighs]
My dear baby girl,
now is not the time for such things.
[stammers] Perhaps we'll discuss it
on a more appropriate occasion.
Let's enjoy our reunion.
I don't think we can do that just yet.
I beg your pardon?
We have to ask you…
[both] Why did you chop off our heads?!
-[slicing sting]
-[whimsical music plays]
-Um… Uh…
-Uh…
-[stammers] Well… Uh… You see…
-Uh… Ooh, I…
We're not little kids anymore.
You can tell us. Please.
[both sigh]
Very well.
Where in the story did Johannes leave off?
The part where he turned to stone.
[tense music plays]
Once upon a time, Johannes turned to stone
because I didn't trust him
when I should have.
-[mysterious music plays]
-We hid his statue in the blue room.
Your mother thought
it would be best to keep it out of sight.
But I was drawn to it again and again.
-It haunted me.
-[tense note plays]
My guilt grew to unspeakable heights.
Then, one night…
[sobs]
I couldn't take it any longer.
[sobbing]
-[drips]
-[magic jingling]
-[Johannes] My… My King.
-[gasps]
Johannes!
[gasps] Johannes?
He's alive!
[Johannes] No… [sighs] …not alive.
My body is still in the stone.
Then, what is happening?
[Johannes] Your tears
have allowed me to speak.
How is that possible?
[Johannes] Tears hold a bit of the soul,
and the soul has magic.
So, are you in this stone?
[Johannes] I am speaking to you
through the stone,
but in reality I am in Hell.
[ominous music plays]
There is a way for you to rescue me
from this fate if you truly wish.
-Yes. Of course.
-[both] Whatever it takes!
[Johannes] Are you… certain?
-Whatever it takes.
-[dramatic music plays]
[Johannes] Then listen closely.
You must chop off your children's heads
and smear their blood
on the stone that is my statue.
[slicing sting]
-Hello? Are you still there?
-[mic feedback whines]
Is this stone on?
Yes. We… We heard you.
-The end! Okay, who wants cake?
-[whimsical sting]
Please tell me there's more to the story.
There has to be.
Well, of course.
Johannes gave us a spool of golden thread
that we used to sew your heads back on.
-[chuckles nervously]
-Yes, the golden hairs.
See, we knew
you weren't going to stay dead…
[munches] Mmm. Mmm!
Probably.
That's it? There's no secret reason you
can't tell us that'll make us feel better?
[King] Hmm…
Nope. That is it,
the true end to the story.
[fireplace crackling]
But what's important is that you're back.
-And we love you very much.
-[hopeful music plays]
Forget about the past.
You children couldn't possibly understand.
Now, if we could please get to dessert.
Stop acting like we're little children!
We are not going to change the subject!
We're not finished here!
Why didn't you tell us what you'd do?
What were we supposed to say, dear?
"Excuse us, may we chop off your heads
to save an old man you don't know?"
You never would have agreed to that
because you were too young to understand.
No, because it's crazy!
The least you could have done
was explain it after you did it!
We were going to, but you ran off!
Because you chopped off our heads!
You have to understand,
we did what we thought was right.
It was the hardest decision
we've ever made.
And you have no idea the suffering
we've been through since you disappeared.
It's been very hard on us.
You chopped off our heads,
and this has been hard on you?
[sighs]
We're so sorry.
How can we make it up to you?
Come on, Gretel.
[huffs] We're going to bed.
So that's it? That's all we get?
Yep.
I thought when we found out
why they chopped off our heads, it…
it would fix everything.
[sighs] But it didn't. Not at all.
Nope.
-[gentle music plays]
-Gretel?
Yes?
My feet are cold.
And so, the questions were answered,
the family was reunited,
and they all lived happily…
happily ever, uh, after.
Well… Well, they all lived happily…
They… Hmm…
Well, they all lived… for a while.
-The end.
-[whimsical sting]
I said, "The end."
Ta-da!
[wind whistling]
Come on, cue the music! End the curse!
[plays triumphant melody on kazoo]
Ugh, you guys stink at telling endings.
Oh, baby, human again!
[angelic choir] Ah!
Are we still ravens?
We're totally still ravens.
[shouts] But why?!
We told the story!
That was supposed to break the curse.
We told it all the way
up to the present! It's now!
Hansel and Gretel
are in that castle right now!
They're trying to go to sleep right now!
Their feet are cold right now!
There's no more story left to tell!
Why hasn't the curse been broken?!
Why haven't we turned back into humans?!
I don't know. Quit pulling on my feathers!
What's wrong with you guys?
This story obviously isn't over yet.
[stammers] What do you mean?
Any idiot could see it's not over
until the family is back together.
They might be in the same place,
but they're not together.
-Together! Right!
-Together. Yes. Ah, yes. Absolutely, yes.
You didn't know.
Also, remember that dying guy
said something about, like,
-a darkness falling over the kingdom?
-[ominous note plays]
[hesitantly] Yes?
Well, I think we're about to find out
what he was talking about.
-[dramatic music plays]
-[shrieks]
[panicking] Oh, what are we gonna do?!
Hey, get it together, man!
We are gonna tell this story!
What? You mean without a script?
I can't do that!
-I can't improvise!
-[slaps]
Pull yourself together, man!
The show must go on!
[breathing heavily] All right.
[inhales deeply]
Once upon a… [breath shudders] …now…
-Oh, that's a good start.
-…a young girl and boy were doing…
-What are they doing?
-I don't know!
-Well, let's go see!
-Brilliant!
Guys, do you think
that dragon is out of my league?
I mean, I could maybe just say "Hi,"
or "Wanna hang out someti…"
Hey, guys! Guys?
[gentle music plays]
-You been staring out that window?
-Yep.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yep. And I agree. That would be
the perfect window to pee from.
What? Ew. No.
Hansel, it's time to leave… again.
Yeah, I guess we--
-[dragon roars]
-Ah!
[rumbling]
-What was that? [grunts]
-[dramatic music playing]
[sinister music plays]
Whoa!
[dragon roars]
[whooshing]
-Of course there's a dragon. Of course!
-[woman screams]
[man shouting indistinctly]
-[woman] Run for your lives!
-[screams]
[roars, chomps]
We've gotta do something!
Oh, we're gonna do something.
-[heroic music playing]
-Oh, come on, not the stool again.
Oh, yeah. It's stool redemption time.
[panting]
-[grunts]
-[whirring]
-[grunts]
-[clacks]
[rope tightens]
Come with me.
You're crazy!
Who isn't?
[Gretel gasps]
-Here we go!
-[Gretel screams]
-[Gretel giggling]
-Ha!
-[both grunt]
-[heroic music continues]
[dinging]
[comedic sting]
-[dragon roars]
-[people screaming]
-[sinister music playing]
-Come on!
[roars]
Uh, villagers flee in panic, uh…
[stammers] …while… as the dragon overhead
rains destruction upon the entire--
We can see what's happening.
You don't need to say anything.
I'm just trying to do my job.
He's probably already
got a girlfriend, right?
I mean, the dragon? Yeah?
-[man] Run for your lives!
-[people screaming]
[dramatic music playing]
[dragon roaring]
Everyone, to the castle!
-[people screaming]
-[Hansel] Please! You'll be safer there.
We're peasants.
We're not allowed in the castle.
You are now. Go! Go! Go!
[whooshes]
[people screaming]
Get them to the castle!
I'll catch up with you!
Go! Hurry!
[girl] Help! Help!
Help! [whimpers]
Help!
-[girl screams]
-[strains]
[clacks loudly]
-[strains]
-[clacks]
[girl coughs]
[roars]
[grunting]
-[girl] Oh no!
-What?
-[Hansel] Oh! [grunts]
-[screams]
[coughs]
-Are you all right?
-[coughing]
Yeah.
-[grunts]
-Ow!
That's for giving me a trick apple, jerk.
-[dramatic music plays]
-[people screaming]
-Should we raise the drawbridge now?
-Not yet. Hansel isn't back.
[dragon roars]
Okay, yeah, so we're going
to raise the drawbridge like you said.
I said don't!
-[girl] Yee-haw! Giddy-up!
-[panting]
-[drawbridge creaking]
-Hansel! Hurry!
[panting]
-Catch! [grunts]
-[heroic music plays]
Whee!
Oh, my baby!
Stay there. I'll be okay!
-[grunts]
-[both grunt]
-[thud]
-We're in this together.
[weakly] I think you broke my ribs.
-Ach!
-[cracks]
-[dragon roars]
-Ah!
-[roar continues]
-[sinister music plays]
-The fireworks!
-[dramatic music plays]
[whooshes]
[dragon roars]
[grunts]
[grunts]
[sizzling]
Run!
[dragon whooshes]
[tense music rising]
[whooshing, whistling]
[whistles, crackles]
-[hopeful music plays]
-[whistles]
[whooshes]
-[booms]
-[shrieks]
[roars]
[people cheering]
-It worked!
-Amazing!
[woman] The King and Queen!
Where are the King and Queen?
[crumbling]
-[both gasp]
-[stone crashes]
-Come on!
-[suspenseful music playing]
-Mom? Dad?
-Mom?
-Mom, Dad, where are you guys?
-Where'd you guys go?
-[wardrobe rattles]
-[Queen squeals]
[both] Huh?
Oh! [chuckles nervously] Ahem. Hello.
Oh, thank heavens you're all right!
I had fallen asleep in the library
when I heard that terrible beast.
I had hoped it would never return.
Return? Wait, it's been here before?
-Well, yes, but--
-Let's not talk about that right now.
What? We nearly got killed!
What were you doing out there?
Saving people!
Now tell us what's going on!
[King sighs]
For months, the kingdom
has been plagued by this creature.
Where did it come from?
We don't know.
The Royal Secretary
of Demons and Agriculture
says it's an evil spirit
that has been possessed by someone
so consumed by despair
that their soul has become vulnerable.
But he also says sneezing
is caused by gremlins, so…
The dragon comes without warning
and vanishes without a trace.
Countless subjects have lost their lives.
Well, you children don't have to worry.
Yes. The adults will deal with this.
-Who wants cake?
-[Gretel] Really?
Deal with it? Like you did just now?
You were sleeping,
and you were hiding in a wardrobe.
In my defense, you would have been
hiding too, if you'd been in a wardrobe.
Why don't you guys cut off the dragon's
head? Isn't that what you're good at?
Oh, man, that's nasty.
This is adult business!
It's not a matter for children!
Show of hands, who here chopped off
their own finger to save seven boys?
Who here got killed by hunters
and came back to life?
Who here defeated a warlock?
Who here went to Hell,
tricked the Devil, and escaped?
And who here
chopped off their own kids' heads?
I think we all can see
who isn't acting like adults.
Do you want us to stay?
[both] Yes!
-That's all we want.
-[Gretel] Then we're in charge.
If we allow this,
will you forgive us for what we've done?
Perhaps we'll discuss it
on a more appropriate occasion.
Ugh. This is way too big.
This one's sticky. Why is it sticky?
Were you hiding cake in your crown?
Yes.
[clanking]
Okay, the first thing
we're gonna do is kill that dragon.
How on earth do you plan to do that?
We tried it and it incinerated
our entire army in minutes.
By using our heads.
-And our hearts!
-[heroic music plays]
[music fades]
[Hansel] And…
Um… [stammers] …and swords.
[grunting]
-[grunting uncertainly]
-[clangs]
[strains] Different swords.
-And arrows.
-Flaming arrows.
-Some sort of catapult.
-How about a slingshot?
-A peashooter.
-We'll figure it out.
Now why don't you two just go back
to what you were doing. Nothing.
Whoa! It's getting real!
So Hansel and Gretel did that
thing they just did. With the yelling.
You're doing great, buddy.
[stammers] And then they left
and they did… are doing…
uh, are going to do…
whatever they're going to do next!
They-- They-- They-- They-- They-- They…
[twitching]
I think his brain's broken.
Don't worry, everybody's gonna stay for
the next part 'cause it has a cute dragon
that I hope is single. [squeals]
[awkward music plays]
Okay, I just want to point out
that this stuff is really happening now!
We are all probably
gonna get killed by the dragon!
-You bet, with his adorable fire breath.
-[twitching]
[suspenseful music playing]
We are definitely going to die.
[ominous music plays]
[closing theme song plays]
[Hansel and Gretel]
When the darkness opens wide ♪
Swallowing up the sun inside ♪
Dappled stars, they prick the sky ♪
Blanket on which the moon will lie ♪
Why must daylight always dim? ♪
Creeping dusk, so cold and grim ♪
'Tis the blackness of the night ♪
-Teaches us how to see the light ♪
-[song fades]