A to Z (2014) s01e08 Episode Script

Andrew and Stu have a tradition.
Once a year, they watch their favorite movie, "Wall Street.
" It never fails to deliver.
Who am I? You're Bud Fox.
You make seven figures a year, and you're boinking Daryl Hannah! Why do you always get mad at that part? Because no one ever asks "Who am I?" out loud.
Yes, it's something that you think, but you don't say it specifically out loud.
Like when you wake up next to your mom's best friend, Mindy, after a Tequila bender.
Even then, you don't say it.
- Did that actually happen? - Yeah.
I don't know I feel like you might say something like that if you were pushed to the brink.
I don't see why it's that crazy.
You know, with that sweater you're wearing, I don't think I can trust your barometer of crazy.
- Zelda got me this sweater - Huh? And I dig it the most.
You know, I was thinking, you could take that sweater down to a shelter and give it to a homeless man so he can use it for warmth by burning it in a trash can.
I actually think that a shawl collar looks very handsome on him.
That means nothing.
Everything looks handsome on him.
They modeled a mannequin after Andrew's body at our local mall.
- I got free cinnabun for a year.
- Oh! I gained 40 pounds.
"Wall Street"? What the hell was that? - It's this thing that Zelda and I do - That we do.
If a movie doesn't pass the Bechdel test.
Of course.
- What the hell is that? - Well Zelda explained that the Bechdel test is a feminist theory made popular by cartoonist Alison Bechdel.
A movie only passes the test if there's a scene where two female characters with names talk about something other than a man.
You'd be shocked how many movies don't pass that test.
Nothing shocks me anymore.
Andrew and Zelda will date for seven months, one week, and seven hours.
This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship From A to Z.
I don't believe it.
What? Is that tea? Yeah, Zelda got me into it.
Oh! Did she? So, you're a tea drinker now, huh? Drinking tea? Is there a problem? There was, but we fixed it with the Revolutionary War.
- Ah.
- So, what are we gonna do now? Are we gonna get bangers and mash for lunch? We gonna take a day off when Kate squirts out another prince? This is America! Hey, Andrew, I got those Ooh, is that chamomile? - Jordan, adults are talking.
- OK.
When she put you in that ridiculous sweater, I kept my mouth shut.
No, you didn't.
And when you started describing your favorite movie using these feminist theories, I turned the other cheek.
You texted me a picture of your ass and asked if that passed the Bechdel test.
But when she gets you drinking tea, I cannot and I will not remain silent for a second longer.
All right, everybody! Shut up! And gather around.
For once, you turkeys are actually doing a halfway decent job.
So, as a thank you, I've decided to sponsor a frozen-yogurt run.
Y-a-a-a-a-ay! Lydia! Lydia! You guys say it.
Lydia! Lydia! Lydia.
Lydia.
Calm down! Site traffic increased 12% this month, which means that people are hooking up, breaking up, and coming back for more.
Y-a-a-a-a-ay! _ - Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, that is a very angry e-mail that you are sending to your boss.
Lots of caps.
Stu spilled soy sauce on my computer, and now the "shift" button is stuck.
But I am really worked up about this.
These new hook-up apps are taking over.
It's like we don't even care about finding people love anymore.
"A company based on cheap thrills won't profit in the long term.
" This is really compelling.
Yeah, well, thank you.
No, wait.
It is.
What are you Aren't you gonna send it? Oh, no, no, I had no intention of sending that.
- That's just I need to write everything down and - Mm-hmm.
get it out of my head.
Also, I had a hard lemonade.
See, now, that you should keep to yourself.
But this e-mail could really make her come around.
I mean, your job is to make the company better.
And that's what you're doing.
You think? Yeah, your boss needs to know what's going on in that very handsome head of yours.
I was told that my mannequin helped sell a lot of hats.
Oh.
I can totally see that.
I believe in you.
Hit "send.
" Really enjoyed getting this in my inbox last night.
A little shouty for my taste.
I had a hard lemonade.
I don't care.
Here's my favorite part "And I wouldn't be doing my job "as the assistant director of marketing if I didn't bring all this to your attention.
" You really mean that? W-well, to be honest with you, I Hey, string bean! Me? You are the new assistant director of marketing.
What? Problem solved! I can't believe I have to report to a guy who's probably doing this job for college credit.
I'm so sorry.
You know what? I think, tomorrow, you should just march right into Big Bird's office and speak to her from your heart.
Show her the same passion you show me Ew! Zelda, that's gross.
About your work.
Mm.
And then, I assure you, you will get your job back.
- You think? - Yes.
- Great idea, Yoko.
I think we've had enough of your ideas.
So, in this scenario, you're a member of The Beatles? Maybe I should just come into work and Look, look, we all had a hearty chuckle when you guys went ballroom dancing, and everybody loves it when you dress my boy in a Captain Ahab sweater.
Oh, but in this scenario, you've read a book? They made a movie.
You are far too controlling of Andrew.
- Oh, I am not.
- Yes, you are.
But now his career is in shambles, and your influence has brought great shame and dishonor upon our home.
Okay.
Okay, Stu, stop.
And, Zelda, thank you for your advice, but I think I'm just gonna lay low at work for a while.
Finish your rice.
He's just gonna get skinnier.
Andrew.
You got a sec? What's up, Jordan? I know I've only been here for three weeks and now I'm your boss, but I want you to think of me as your friend.
Okay.
That being said, don't mistake my kindness for weakness, because you do not want to cross me.
No, sirree.
What? Whoa! I hate to see you like this.
Zelda has completely changed you.
Stu, people rub off on each other in relationships.
It's a natural thing.
Oh, yeah? Name one way that you've rubb off on Zelda.
See? So, why are you letting her change you when the old Andrew was doing just fine? We need that guy back.
You know, for once, that's actually not terrible advice.
Yeah.
Maybe maybe I'm gonna have myself a little "Andrew" night, you know? - Do the things I like to do.
- Yeah.
Rediscover me.
That sounds great.
Can I come? Do you think I'm too controlling? Do you think I'm too controlling? Well, you do make me staple everything on a diagonal two centimeters from the top left It gives the strongest hold.
And you did put a password on our DVR player because - I don't know how to manage Sunday nights.
- How to manage Sunday nights.
You don't.
But, I mean, more in terms of my romantic relationships.
Zelda.
It's like you're mission control when it comes to your romantic relationships.
Uh, Andrew, we have a problem.
Oh, come on.
I don't get any credit for my familiarity with the American space program? Right, let's have a look at the last three guys you dated.
Okay.
Notice the sweaters? Huh? See that? Well, you have to admit A shawl collar looks good on everyone.
Not my point, but, yeah.
I told him to make mine super-, super-spicy, 'cause you know I can handle it, but I told him to make yours extra-, extra-mild so that you don't get an upset stomach like you get sometimes.
Okay.
- We got your "Wall Street" ready to go.
- Yes, we do.
Got your favorite Thai.
And how is that? - I dig it the most.
- Ha-ha! Yeah! Andrew's back, baby! Whoo! - Num, num, num, num.
- Aah.
Tastes like a forest fire.
Yeah.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Mmm.
Isn't this the best? And in this moment, something dawned on Andrew.
Here you go.
I thought we were eating pizza.
Thai food is the next big thing.
All the things he thought were his favorites No! You drink Scotch now.
"Wall Street" is our new favorite movie.
Were not his favorite things at all.
- Son of a bitch.
- What? Eat.
It's gonna congeal.
I guess this is on mine.
What is it about me that makes me so easily influenced by everybody? Am I too open? Am I too weak? - Yes.
- No! Listen, I will be the first to admit that sometimes I can be a little controlling, which is why I got you a Nordstrom gift card, which you can use to buy whatever you want.
You don't have to do that.
Yeah, whatever you want from Nordstrom's Classic Zelda.
There's no "S.
" It's just Nordstrom.
So, you're gonna control my grammar now, too? - Stu.
- Okay, fine! But I think that my influence is way better than Stu's.
Do you want to go? 'Cause if you want to go down to the dance floor, you'd better be ready to tango, 'cause I got my tango hat on.
You guys have matching pairs of sweat shorts.
- They're versatile.
- They're ridiculous.
- Guys.
- Say you're lounging around, and a flag football game starts You don't have to change.
You get winded watching football.
- Guys.
- What's with you taking him to the botanical gardens? I'm sorry for wanting to show him something beautiful.
I accept your apology.
Actually, I saw a pair of cords at Nordstrom that I think would look really great on you.
Yeah, I'm not much of a cords guy.
I like the texture, but Very well-played, Zelda.
I almost bought cords.
You will buy cords.
Order, dude! Come on! Oh, my God.
Come on, man.
Hurry up! Just pick something.
What do you like? Uh, I don't know.
Um, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm actually with him.
He's my brother, so, yeah, sorry.
Can I get two caramel blends, please? Yes.
Thank you.
My ex turned me on to these.
They're delicious.
Are you okay? Well, uh, my best friend and my new girlfriend have shaped every aspect of my adult life, so not really.
No, I heard about the sweat shorts.
They're versatile.
Well, it sounds to me like you just need something to call your own.
Like what? I don't know, like a hobby or something.
Something you didn't get from anyone else, something that's just yours.
You could be scuba-diving guy, huh? Not a strong swimmer.
Mm, base-jumping bro? I get panic attacks in high places.
Oh! Panic-attack guy? Not really a thing.
Well, what else are you good at? Well Andrew fancies himself good at a number of things.
They just aren't necessarily ones you can do as a hobby, like parallel parking, opening jars, climbing stairs.
Actually, that's a thing.
I'm sorry? Climbing stairs It's a sport.
My cousin is a competitive stair climber.
He's bit of a weirdo.
Anyway, there's, uh, events all over town.
Oh, here it is right here.
Thank you.
Competitive stair climbing It says it's like running a 5k only up stairs.
Well, that sounds very interesting, and it sounds to me like you just found your thing.
Congrats.
- This could be good.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, can I come? - This is fantastic! - I know.
I had completely forgotten about these sneakers.
How cute are they? Do you like that? - Very nice.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm so proud of you, buddy.
You know, it's not like I'm gonna do a million of these things, but this is definitely a good first step in finding out who I really am.
- Hey, Andrew.
- Hey, Andrew.
What are you guys doing here? We didn't know you climbed.
Oh, uh, this is actually my first race.
Ah, you always remember your first.
Mine was a 16-flighter in Pasadena.
I've been a story stepper ever since.
Where do you train? Silverlake stairs? I oh, I haven't I haven't trained.
And you're entering a competition? Wow.
My most heartfelt condolences to your calves.
Just stay off my rails, and we won't have a problem.
Can I go now? So, it's literally just climbing stairs.
I know, right? Right, I just thought there might be some obstacles or something like that.
The only obstacle is your own self-doubt.
Yeah.
Uh, excuse me.
Oh, my.
Hello.
Hi! Hey.
Hey.
What is all this? We are competitive stair climbers.
Yeah.
- That's weird.
- Yeah.
I'm a roadie for ZZ Top.
- They're playing here tonight.
- Oh.
Do you like ZZ Top? I definitely could.
Yes.
Yes, I - Hey.
I lost you.
- Hi.
- Yeah.
Um, so - Hey.
I'm gonna leave you to it because I think this is more your thing, really.
- I've got a stitch.
- Oh.
So, um, but I'll call you later, yeah? - Okay.
- Good talk.
I-I'll see you in the next go-around, then.
Okay.
I think it's great that Andrew has finally found something he can call his own.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey! Yay! You look good! Very good at what you're doing! You have beautiful legs! Good form! Kind of an odd choice, though.
Certainly wouldn't be my first.
Yeah.
Pick a side, rook! Off the rails! Next time, try an escalator.
Who am I? You're Andrew.
It says so right there on your race bib.
Oh, uh I know.
I was just being reflective.
I got you.
Thank you.
Well, that's kind of a strange thing to say out loud, guy.
Seems like something you think but keep to yourself.
Could I Could I just get a moment? Okay Andrew.
Okay.
Bye.
Andrew, can I lay some "Wis" on you? No.
Dom "Wisdom.
" I can't abbreviate that one.
I see that now.
Anyway, my homie Steve Jobs once posited What is it, Jordan? Well, I figure now that we're getting rid of the matchmaking side of the company What?! Aah.
Excuse me.
Lydia! Don't do it.
Abort.
Abort the mission.
Lydia! Hey, how are those calves? They're sore, Dinesh! Lydia, can I have a minute? Not unless you can keep up with me.
Wallflower is headed in the wrong direction.
We need to be focusing on helping people find love, not hookups.
I know it sounds crazy, but I think the original founders of this company were on to something.
They were bankruptcy.
That's why they're gone, and I was brought in.
We are hemorrhaging money.
We are in the red! This was red.
Has this been painted recently? Lydia, as the former assistant director of marketing, I can tell you that the matchmaking app, unlike the ones that promote hookups, creates happy, lasting couples, which is this company's best advertising.
It gives people hope.
I'd have to see some numbers.
Here.
Had the numbers ready to go.
Really said that more as a stall.
Give me and the program another six months.
I promise you'll see growth.
Okay.
Okay I can have my job back? Sure.
The love stuff's your problem now.
You better make it work.
And no more speeches putting me on the spot.
Jordan, you're out! Oh, thank God.
I had no idea what I was doing.
I mean, what the hell is marketing, anyway? - Am I right? - Yeah.
I got first pl And, uh That's fine.
This could be a big turning point in my career.
And that right there was the first time I referred to my job as a career.
- Ohh.
- Isn't that cool? Yeah.
Caramel blended, please.
- You got it.
- Thank you.
I'm very proud of you.
Thank you.
And you spoke from the heart, and it worked.
Yeah.
Which is exactly what you told me to do after I got demoted.
What? I don't know.
It's just as soon as I thought I found my voice, it turns out to just be a product of what other people tell me to say.
You know, it's like, do I have a single original thought? Of course you do.
That speech was all your idea.
This whole thing was.
I just gave you a little extra push.
That's all.
- Mm.
- Okay.
All right.
Maybe you've changed a little bit because of me.
But if some good comes out of it, who cares? Everyone influences the people around them.
Stephie turned me on to caramel blendeds, and now I have three a day.
- Three a day? - Mm-hmm.
- That seems like way too many.
- Mm.
With whipped cream, right? Yeah, I dig it the most.
Thank you.
What? Nothing.
What? Nothing.
Perhaps Zelda was right.
After all, Jordan is wearing a shawl collar because of Andrew.
Lora got Dinesh into Greek salads.
Stephie started listening to this podcast based on Zelda's suggestion.
Big Bird bought a pair of sunglasses at Barneys.
Stu liked them so much, he bought the same pair at Nordstrom's with Andrew's gift card.
Everyone is connected, some more closely than others.
It's a real shame that more movies and TV shows don't pass the Bechdel test, Zelda.
I couldn't agree more.
Especially in this day and age.
Mm, and women have so much more to talk about than just guys.
Totally.
Quite frankly, it's insulting.
Mm.
Hey, if there are two women talking about the Bechdel test in a scene, does that pass the Bechdel test? That's a good question, Stephie.
Yeah, I think it does.
So are you gonna go out with that roadie for ZZ Top again? Yeah.
He was really cute.
Did you see his eyes?