Accidentally on Purpose s01e08 Episode Script

These last few weeks have been perfect.
Yeah.
Except for me being pregnant with another man's baby.
And me living with the father of the baby.
And him being 22.
Oh, my God, why are you dating me? I have a lousy short-term memory.
I'd really like to kiss you.
You just Oh, I get it.
Oh, Brian! You've been so cool and accepting about all this.
I mean, I once had a guy break up with me because I had a bad cough.
You're just so great and beautiful.
You know I've always had a crush on you.
I just couldn't do anything about it.
I was married, and you were with James.
And now I'm divorced, and you're pregnant.
We just got so lucky.
Whoa! Check it out, Zack.
It's the mother of your baby making out with another dude.
Okay, we'll just, uh, hang out in my room.
You two get back to, uh, second base, it looked like.
# I can't be anything without you.
# Things are going so well with Brian, and Zack seems totally cool with it.
Finally, the stars are aligned in my favor.
I don't know what the stars had against me before, but they have now dropped their previous grievances and are now twinkling their approval.
Like you should be, Abby.
Aren't you proud of me? I am not.
I am not proud of you, so stop fishing for it.
I think you're back to your same old ways, rushing into something without thinking it through.
And the last time you did that, you ended up unintentionally pregnant.
And that's because she's industrious.
A lot of women sleep with a guy and end up with nothing more than a prescription for antibiotics.
Now, this one she gets a baby.
Bravo, Billie, bravo! Exhibit A: Supportive friend.
Exhibit B: Unsupportive sister, whose bra is showing.
I know.
I'm trying that look today.
And I am supportive of you, just not of all your choices.
How can you be sure about Brian after only dating him for three weeks? I think that's kind of rash.
And you know who would agree with me? Michelle Obama.
Yes, we know, you love Michelle Obama.
She makes good choices and has fabulous arms.
But what you didn't know was, while I was with James, Brian was off to the side married, unavailable, flirtatious, wanting me.
Which brings me back to what I said before about the stars.
I think we just need to get on board with the stars.
- Olivia? - Absolutely.
You're just a suck-up, and I see right through that.
I like your new look.
Thank you.
Something about this Brian I don't like.
And I got a sense for these things.
Like my sister she'd bring boyfriends home, and she'd be, like, "Kevin's so great, Kevin's so special.
" And then Kevin would be on the news that night next to a table full of guns.
I'm with you, man.
When I saw that guy kissing our pregnant lady I got this really sick feeling in my stomach.
Kind of like the time I saw my mom skinny-dipping with my Uncle Bob.
You got to do something about this guy, man.
He's not just dating Billie, he's dating your baby.
I mean, that great dinner that he bought her the baby's enjoying it.
The witty banter? The baby's laughing.
I bet the baby's in there right now saying, "Man, this guy could be the one.
" - Dude! - I know! I'm just trying to shock you into action.
Well, I'm freaking out, okay? What should I do? If this guy's angling his way into my baby's life, then I'd better get to know him.
Where's a good place to have a chat with an old guy? Park bench.
Indian casino! - Florida! - Brunch! Brunch! Semi-old people love brunch.
So, I wanted us to have brunch because I don't really know you, Brian, and I'd like to.
That is just so cool.
Can you believe how cool this guy is? I got a cool baby cooking in here.
So, anyway, Brian, let's get to know each other.
I'll start.
I'm 22, I'm an aspiring chef, and my childhood dream was to fight Jet Li.
And I'm still gonna make that happen.
Okay, uh, well, let's see.
My childhood dream was to be a photojournalist, so I became a photojournalist.
In fact, there's a retrospective of my work at the paper.
That is gonna be so great.
Yeah, how lovely.
Billie here tells me you're divorced.
Couldn't keep the flame alive, huh? You know, I will answer that question in just a second.
Let me just take this.
What are you doing? I'm looking out for you.
Well, stop it.
I have been dating since oh, my God, since you were in kindergarten, okay? Sorry.
Uh, so, you were asking me inappropriate questions about my painful divorce.
I'm sorry, man.
It's just, Billie means a lot to me, you know? She's carrying my baby.
It is just a platonic platonic miracle.
Speaking of which, remember that crib we saw in the window? Oh, my God, that was the most beautiful crib I've ever seen.
I got it for you.
- You did?! - You did? When they deliver it, maybe you could put it together, Zack.
Oh, I'm putting it together.
This is great.
Would you excuse me for a second? That is so sweet! You're like Santa Claus but cuter.
Ooh! Davis Dude, I'm on the floor, handing out cups of crab.
They're finally letting me interact with the customers! Brian bought her a freakin' crib.
A crib, man! And that's inappropriate, right? Yes! Oh, man, you were right about that guy.
He's trying to steal your baby.
Like a reverse stork.
Man, l-I got to get rid of this guy.
Okay, don't do anything yet.
We need to calmly discuss this over nine beers.
Why can't we just talk about this right now? No, I can't; I'm in the weeds right now, man.
I'm running out of crab cups, and I got a fat guy circling my kiosk.
Really, dude? More crab? What's the matter, Junior? Mom forget to sign your permission slip to go to the zoo? That's the matter.
Yeah, I know.
She looks happy with Brian, and I hate it.
Kind of reminds me of when you burst on the scene.
Well, now I know how you felt.
Except that when I met you, she wasn't pregnant with your baby.
So, it's kind of worse for me.
Oh, I don't know.
I was with her for three years; I put a lot of time in with her.
I think it's kind of worse for me.
- I have to live with her.
- I have to work with her.
I have to listen to her make out with Brian in the other room.
You win.
You want to get drunk? You know, I don't understand why you can't just fire Brian.
I mean, you run the paper.
Would that I could, man.
But he's one of the best photojournalists around, and pictures matter.
If there's one thing I learned after two decades in print media: People don't like words.
I'm the daddy; I'm supposed to get the crib.
Yo, a man encroaching on another man's crib buying is just emasculating.
What's he gonna buy you next, a boob job? I once had a pregnancy scare.
Dated this stewardess; she told me she was on the pill.
I thought she meant birth control.
Turns out, she meant Ecstasy.
One day she calls me, she tells me she's pregnant.
I thought it was mine.
But then she told me it was Tommy Lee's.
Whew.
Whoa! Tommy Lee? Dude, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard.
And you're buying us all these drinks.
I feel so bad about every mean thing I've said about you.
Yeah, me too, man.
I mean, we were talking trash about you for the last two months.
We even made a drinking game out of it.
Did someone say "douche"? I don't find that funny.
You will.
You sure you don't want to watch the end of the movie? How are you gonna know how it ends? It ends with me on top of you.
Somebody say "douche"? I still can't believe that crib-buying bastard.
I'm mad at him.
I'm mad at him on your behalf, and I want to do something with this anger.
Something dangerous and fun and fun.
Wish I'd done something more when I lost Billie.
But what did I do? I drowned my sorrows in Kate Moss.
Yeah, but wh-what can I do, you know? I don't know, but you better do something to stop this now, or you're never gonna get rid of him.
James is right.
That's why he's the father of Tommy Lee's baby, and you hand out crab samples.
Crabs.
Crabs.
Crabs! Here's his car, guys! Oh, no.
Guys, hang on, I'm starting to get that "I shouldn't be doing this" feeling, like that time I ate 30 eggs.
We can't stop now.
We're making automotive vandalism history.
Perfect, it's unlocked! Okay, come on, hurry up, load them in! I am not touching them crabs.
No, no, don't stop.
Why did you stop? Too much tongue? No, th-that sounds like my car alarm.
I want to eat your legs.
Make it look like one's driving.
Ooh! Your baby daddy is attacking my car with seafood.
Zack, stop that! Stop that right now! Look, that one's driving! So, Zack and his friends got drunk, broke into Brian's car, filled it with crabs, and then crept in here after you went to sleep.
Wow, the stars are not really aligned the way you thought they were.
You know, Michelle Obama doesn't like self-righteous people.
That's actually true.
Is it noon already? I'm gonna go wake his ass up.
Zack, wake up! Za-ack! Billie.
Hey, uh, thanks for letting us crash here.
Is there coffee? Yeah! And eggs and bagels.
Oh, really?! No.
That was unnecessary.
Hello, lady.
Got to get to work now.
You're not wearing any oh, don't scratch.
Oh, God.
Good morning.
I'll get you boys some coffee.
Oh, there's your penis.
I can explain.
Really? Crabs? What were you gonna do next, pour in a gallon of butter? We talked about it.
I don't get it.
Why would you do all of this? I don't know.
I swear I'm right about him.
You know, I couldn't figure it out at first, but then it hit me.
He wants to push me out.
First with you and then with the baby.
Okay, is this about the crib thing? Because if every time someone gets us a baby present, you put crabs in their car, word's going to get out, and we need things.
It's more than just about the crib thing.
Well, what is it? What do you want? I want you to break up with this guy.
And then what? You get to go out with all your friends and meet hot chicks, while I stay at home and watch TV? There are some good shows on.
Look, I know it doesn't look like it, but I'm doing all this because I care about you.
I know you do.
But there has to be a universe where I get to be happy, too.
Please, be happy with me.
All right.
Don't want to get in the way of your happiness.
You're gonna throw up right now, aren't you? I already started.
So, how did the car cleanup go? That's how I want every date to end.
With a fishy smell and a crab stuck in my CD changer.
I'm so sorry.
Are you mad? I'm a little mad.
But not at you.
Wow, somebody got me flowers.
- Hmm.
- They from you? Is there a card? Yes.
Then no, they're not from me.
Oh, they're from Pam.
Pam, your ex-wife Pam? That's an oddly thoughtful thing for an ex-wife to do.
Well, here's the thing.
Oh, no, not a thing.
Pam is actually going to be here tonight at the photo exhibit.
You mean in spirit? Look, it's a retrospective of my work; Pam was very supportive.
I understand that it's uncomfortable.
Yes But I still want you here.
Well, my first instinct was no, but then I thought about the crab thing and how you're still talking to me.
So you'll come? Okay.
And I have a dress I've been saving for an incredibly awkward situation.
So I think I'll just break that sucker out.
- Hey, good luck with the show tonight.
- Thank you.
Okay time for me to meet my new boyfriend's ex-wife.
My life just gets weirder and weirder.
Your life's fantastic.
My life just gets weirder and weirder.
This morning, I woke up next to a clown.
You mean like, "Oh, that guy's a clown"? Or like, "Honk, honk"? Okay, I'm just going to peek around the corner and see what Brian's ex looks like.
And not because I'm shallow.
I just really need to know if she's prettier than me.
Okay, one, two, three, go! Okay, she is extremely pretty.
And she saw me.
What do I do? Oh, calm down.
You're gorgeous.
Remember, she's the visitor on this date.
She should be peeking around the corner at you.
Now here she comes.
Stick out your boobs and suck in your gut.
I can't, it's a baby.
Well, get your baby to suck in its gut, then! Brian! Olivia, Billie, thank you for coming.
This is Pam.
It's great to have a chance to meet you.
Brian's told me how supportive you've been of his photography.
And why wouldn't you be? He used to call me his muse.
Didn't you? Well, I called you a lot of things.
"Muse" was one of them.
Oh, old times.
Uh, Brian, the photos are really beautiful.
And I got to say I'm so impressed, and I did not realize that Pam is in almost every single one.
You are very photogenic.
Thank you.
So, Brian tells me that you're pregnant with another man's baby.
Yep, it's great.
You got to try it sometime.
I got to go wet my whistle.
Oh, my God, "wet my whistle"? Who was talking just now, Humphrey Bogart? Okay, and was it my imagination or was Pam, like, super-clingy? Yeah, I was clingy once.
Didn't work out well for me.
It won't work out well for Pam.
Brian! Lovely photos.
Barren landscapes.
Tell me, did you use an F-stop when you Oh, my God, Billie, I'm so sorry about Pam.
She's having a hard time letting go.
You guys don't seem like you're at each other's throats like other divorced couples.
Well, it's-it's not like we didn't get along or-or didn't like each other.
Oh, really? That makes me feel so much better.
She didn't want to have kids.
Which is what I love about you.
Because if things work out between us, it's like an instant family.
I'm an automatic dad.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's very sweet, but my situation's a little more complicated than that.
I mean, there's Zack.
Oh, so you're keeping Zack? I kind of have to.
And I think that your situation is a lot more complicated than you realize.
Maybe we just moved too quickly.
I so want things to work out between us.
Me, too.
Maybe we just let the dust settle a bit and pick this up a little later? I think that might be best.
Oh, no, what about the? Oh, you can keep the crib.
Hey.
Hey, how was the exhibit? Bosnia is very depressing, but not as depressing as my love life.
My love life is more depressing than a war-torn Soviet state.
Yay Brian and I broke up.
I'm sorry.
Are you all right? Yeah, no, ugh.
I mean, it was just crazy to think that anyone would just sign off on this rinky-dink operation I got going on here.
- That's not true.
- Oh, give it up.
All right, maybe it's a little true.
Let's just call a spade a spade.
I got Olivia, I got my sister, I got you and I got your baloney-head friends.
What else? Well, you got that little guy in there.
Or-or girl.
- You know what else you got? - Hmm? A butt-Ioad of fresh crab.
Does that make you feel better? Yes, it does.
Good.
Because we put the crabs on your credit card.
Mmm.
This crab is divine.
I insist that all your future pranks involve some form of crustacean.
So, what'd I miss? She was best friends with the groom and she married him? No.
Katherine Heigl got a new apartment, but then when she got there, there was a mix-up, and Matthew McConaughey had moved in already.
But really, he moved into her heart.
Just like you all have moved into mine.
Wait a second.
When does the movie start? We've been watching it for 45 minutes.
I thought it was just a really informative trailer.
I've been saying to myself over and over, "They're really giving the whole movie away.
" Yeah, this is better than having a boyfriend.