According To Jim s01e08 Episode Script
The Turkey Bowl
DADDY, IS THAT BULLWINKLE? [ MUMBLES .]
HOW DO THEY BLOW UP THOSE BIG BALLOONS? [ MUMBLES .]
Cheryl: JIM? [ MUMBLES .]
WOULD YOU COME TASTE THIS PIE FILLING FOR ME? OW! HAH! OH, BABY.
WOW.
FANTASY NUMBER 5 -- I CAN CROSS THAT OFF MY LIST.
YOU WANT TO KNOW MY FANTASY? MM-HMM.
YOU PUTTING THOSE GROCERIES AWAY.
OH, I'LL PUT THEM AWAY AS SOON AS YOU MAKE THEM INTO A MEAL.
ALL RIGHT.
I HOPE I GOT EVERYTHING HERE.
OH, HONEY.
CINNAMON STICKS.
I SPECIFICALLY SAID "GROUND CINNAMON.
" WELL, GRIND THEM UP.
YOU CAN'T JUST GRIND IT UP.
YOU CLEARLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW CINNAMON WORKS.
PLEASE DON'T TELL THE FELLAS.
HEY, KYLE! YOUR FIRST THANKSGIVING.
ALL KINDS OF NEW FOODS YOU CAN THROW UP.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, ALL! OH, ANDY, THANK YOU.
WOW, LOOK AT THIS! MARSHMALLOWS, GRAHAM CRACKERS.
I'M GONNA MAKE A TURKEY S'MORE.
AND YOU WONDER WHY YOUR PANTS DON'T FIT.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU LEAVE THEM IN THE DRYER WAY TOO LONG.
RIGHT.
MOMMY, LOOK AT MY HAND TURKEY! WOW, THAT IS THE TURKEY-EST HAND I'VE EVER SEEN.
DADDY, YOU AND UNCLE ANDY ARE TWINS.
YEAH, WHAT'S WITH THE BOWLING SHIRTS? WELL, UH I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S JUST FUN.
IT'S A FUN THING.
JIM? YES, CHERYL? ARE YOU AND ANDY GOING BOWLING? YES, WE ARE, CHERYL.
WE'RE GONNA RECREATE THE FIRST THANKSGIVING WHERE THE -- THE INDIANS AND THE PILGRIMS BOWLED TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, I-I NEED YOU HERE.
I-I NEED YOU TO CARVE THE TURKEY AND -- AND WE'RE GONNA DO OUR PHOTO FOR THE CHRISTMAS CARD.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS KYLE'S FIRST THANKSGIVING.
I KNOW, HONEY, BUT THIS IS A TOYS-FOR-TOTS CHARITY THING.
IT'S A BOWL-A-THON AND I GOTTA GO.
I GOTTA GO.
I JUST GOTTA GO.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A TOY.
YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO LEARN ABOUT GIVING.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL? BESIDES THAT, YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT WE'RE GOING.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA FOCUS ON YOUR COOKING.
YOU DON'T NEED ALL THIS DISTRACTION.
YOU KNOW, LAST YEAR THE TURKEY WAS A LITTLE DRY.
OH, THANK YOU, HONEY.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THOSE DISTRACTIONS.
GIRLS, YOU WANNA GO BOWLING WITH DADDY AND UNCLE ANDY?! YEAH! YEAH! YAY! THAT TURKEY BETTER BE MOIST.
SEE YOU LATER, BUDDY.
COME HERE, GRACIE.
NOW, I GOT FOUR OUT OF A POSSIBLE TEN, SO I PUT DOWN "FOUR.
" YOU ONLY GOT FOUR? YEAH.
FOUR'S NOT BAD.
ACTUALLY, FOUR'S PRETTY GOOD.
ARE YOU GONNA CRY, BABY? ARE YA? HEY! GRACIE, NEVER TALK TO YOUR AUNT ANDY LIKE THAT.
UNCLE ANDY.
UNCLE ANDY.
GO AHEAD, HONEY.
ALL RIGHT.
EVERYBODY HAPPY? HERE, GRACIE.
GRACIE.
GRACIE.
COME HERE, SWEETHEART.
LET ME HELP YOU, HERE.
HERE, NOW, JUST PICK IT UP.
THAT'S IT.
SPREAD YOUR LEGS A LITTLE BIT.
LOOK WAY DOWN THERE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO HIT.
OKAY, THEN ALL YOU DO IS YOU JUST LET IT GO! THAT FOUR'S LOOKIN' PRETTY GOOD RIGHT NOW, ISN'T IT? ANDY! GRACIE? GRACIE, LOOK AT THE PUPPY! OH, RAN AWAY.
FIVE! AAH! FIVE.
GAME'S NOT OVER, PRINCESS.
OKAY, EVERYBODY HAPPY? ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO TO THAT LITTLE DARK ROOM OVER THERE AND WATCH SOME TV WITH SOME VERY SAD IRISH GUYS.
DADDY, WATCH ME.
OKAY, HONEY.
[ PINS FALL .]
HEY! HEY, THAT WAS GREAT! THAT WAS JUST GREAT, RUBY! IT'S YOUR TURN, DADDY.
ME? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I CAN BOWL ONE.
OH.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
A GOOD-LUCK KISS.
THANK YOU, BABY.
HEY! A STRIKE! A STRIKE! HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! YOU ARE.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! HEY.
I MADE CRANBERRY TARTS, CREAM-CHEESE BROWNIES, AND A PUMPKIN NUT LOAF WITH ENOUGH WALNUTS TO MAKE JIM ITCHY, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO KILL HIM.
WOW.
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN BAKING ALL NIGHT.
YEAH.
WHAT'S WRONG? NOTHING.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M GONNA DIE SHRIVELED AND ALONE.
TRY THE BROWNIES.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU LAST HOLIDAY SEASON WHEN YOU WERE LIKE THIS? OH, SOME CRAP ABOUT HOW I'M SMART AND BEAUTIFUL AND ANY GUY WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE ME, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
WHERE'S THE WINE? [ DOORBELL RINGS .]
YOU KNOW, DANA, IT'S NOT EASY TO FIND THE RIGHT GUY.
YOU HAVE TO THINK OF IT LIKE A MARATHON.
YOU KNOW, IT STARTS OFF WITH THOUSANDS AND THEN ENDS UP WITH JUST A FEW GOOD ONES OUT FRONT.
THE POINT IS, YOU GOTTA KEEP RUNNING AND YOU'LL WIN THE RACE.
OR HIT THE WALL AND CRAP YOURSELF.
CHRIS, TONY, HI.
UH, JIM'S NOT HERE.
HE TOOK THE GIRLS BOWLING.
SOBYE.
I'M GONNA CLOSE THE DOOR NOW.
I GUESS JIM DIDN'T TELL YOU -- HE INVITED US FOR THANKSGIVING.
YEAH.
OH.
ISN'T CAROL WITH YOU? NO, CAROL, UH, LEFT ME A COUPLE MONTHS AGO.
OH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN -- IT'S BEEN PRETTY ROUGH.
OH, YEAH.
HEY, DANA! HI.
SO, UH, WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE, UH -- YEAH, SURE.
YES.
SO YOU LIKE COMIC BOOKS? OKAY, FIVE STRIKES IN A ROW! I'M ON FIRE! DADDY! DADDY! NOT REALLY, GIRLS.
NOT REALLY.
FIVE STRIKES EQUALS 130 POINTS.
HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE, UNCLE ANDY? Shh! QUIET.
YOUR FATHER'S BOWLING.
REMEMBER, FOLKS, EVERYTHING'S GOTTA BE EXACTLY THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE EACH BALL.
OKAY? RUBY, MY GOOD-LUCK KISS? GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
THANK YOU, BABY.
OKAY.
SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT.
GRACIE, WERE YOU DRINKING THAT SODA BEFORE? NO.
THROW IT OUT.
AW! THAT'S TOO BAD.
WHAT A SHAME.
IT LOOKED VERY REFRESHING.
ANDY! EAT THE HOT DOG.
AW! JIM, I'M FULL.
I'VE ALREADY EATEN FOUR.
EAT IT! [ BLOWING .]
OKAY.
[ PINS FALLING .]
YES! YES.
YES.
YES.
OKAY, WHO'S YOUR DADDY? YOU ARE.
LOOK HERE, JIM.
THE WORD ON THE LANE, BABY, IS THAT YOU ARE HALFWAY TO A PERFECT GAME.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT, LOUIS.
HEY, WELL, GOOD LUCK, JIM.
IT'S BEEN A LONG WHILE SINCE WE ADDED SOMEBODY TO THE WALL OF FAME.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I KNOW.
YEAH, BABY, AND TO DO IT ON THANKSGIVING WOULD BE SPECIAL.
YES, IT WOULD.
I REALLY HAVEN'T HAD MUCH OF A THANKSGIVING SINCE THE MISSIS DIED.
DO YOU KNOW THAT WHEN I WAS GOING TO THE -- LOUIS, LOUIS, LOUIS? HUH? I'M TRYING TO BOWL HERE.
OH, OH, YEAH, YEAH, MAN.
GO AHEAD.
GO AHEAD.
OKAY.
SHE'LL STILL BE DEAD TOMORROW.
RUBY! COME ON.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
THANK YOU, HONEY.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY .]
YES! YES! YES! YES! ONE MORE, AND YOUR DAD GETS 300 -- A PERFECT GAME.
ONE MORE.
ONE MORE.
UH, GOD, HI, IT'S -- IT'S ME, JIM.
I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT THIS STRIKE.
I PROMISE I WON'T ASK FOR ANYTHING AGAIN.
AND, BY THE WAY, UH, THANKS FOR ALL THE GREAT CREATIONS THAT YOU'VE MADE LIKE, UH BACON PORK CHOPS YOU KNOW, THE PIG IN GENERAL IS REALLY GREAT.
AMEN.
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES AND DIES .]
Louis: WOW.
THE POWER'S OFF.
TOURNAMENT'S OVER.
WHAT ABOUT MY GAME?! OH, YEAH.
290.
NICE EFFORT, JIM.
WOW.
SO THAT'S HOW SPIDER-MAN GOT HIS POWERS.
UH-HUH.
BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE SPIDER.
WHAT BIT WONDER WOMAN? I HEARD IT WAS IRON MAN, BUT I THINK THAT'S JUST AN UGLY RUMOR.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! DANA, COULD -- COULD I SEE YOU IN HERE? I'M HAVING A-A CRISIS WITH THE, UM, UH, PLATES.
COMING, MOM.
WONDER WOMAN WILL RETURN.
DANA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT? I'M ENTERTAINING THE GUESTS.
I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE.
CHRIS IS SO CUTE! OH, GOD.
DANA, YOU HAVE MET CHRIS A HUNDRED TIMES.
YOU ALWAYS MAKE FUN OF HIM, BUT SUDDENLY HOLIDAY SEASON PLUS GLASS AND A HALF OF WINE EQUALS "CHRIS IS SO CUTE!" YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND CHRIS THE WAY I DO.
WE'RE SIMPLE FOLK.
WELL, I WONDER IF YOU'LL SEE CHRIS THE SAME WAY WHEN YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CHARDONNAY GOGGLES.
FINE.
NO MORE WINE, BUT YOU CAN FIX THE PLATES YOURSELF.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? NO MORE WINE.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME DANA, YOU KNOW, THIS IS KIND OF A SPECIAL DAY.
I JUST REALLY DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO RUIN IT.
OHH.
HEY! OH, GOOD.
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST GONNA CALL.
DINNER'S READY.
WHERE'S RUBY? WITH JIM FOR -- FOR GOOD LUCK.
GOOD LUCK FOR WHAT? FUNNY STORY.
JIM, YOU KNOW, IT'S THANKSGIVING.
THE WHOLE FAMILY'S HERE.
PLEASE COME HOME.
CHERYL, I CAN'T.
BUT, HONEY, ANDY SAID THAT THE POWER'S OUT AND IT'S HOPELESS.
HONEY, I AM ONE STRIKE AWAY FROM A PERFECT GAME AND THE LEAGUE SAYS IF I LEAVE, IT'S OVER.
DID YOU KNOW THAT CHRIS AND TONY ARE HERE? [ GLASS BREAKS .]
SORRY.
CAREFUL, EVERYBODY.
BROKEN GLASS.
AND, HONEY, YOU KNOW, IT IS KYLE'S FIRST THANKSGIVING.
DOESN'T THAT MATTER TO YOU? COME ON, HONEY, HE'S JUST A BABY.
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM.
BUT -- BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FAMILY PHOTO AND THAT STUPID PILGRIM STORY WITH THE PIE FIGHT? YOU KNOW, HONEY, WHO'S GONNA CARVE THE TURKEY? CHERYL, I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THIS, BUT I JUST NEED TO DO THIS ONE THING.
BRING MY RUBY HOME! ONE MORE THING -- RUBY CAN'T LEAVE.
WHAT? SHE'S GOTTA KISS ME BEFORE I BOWL.
IT'S A GOOD-LUCK THING.
BUT SHE'S MISSING THANKSGIVING DINNER.
DADDY, MY HAND'S STUCK IN THE CANDY MACHINE! HONEY, NOBODY LIKES A QUITTER! OKAY.
CHERYL, I GOTTA GO.
BYE.
[ BEEP .]
DID YOU GET ANYTHING?! JIM?! OH, GREAT.
JIM'S NOT COMING, AND MY DAUGHTER'S EATING CANDY FOR THANKSGIVING.
Andy: YOU HEAR THAT? RUBY'S EATING CANDY.
[ CRIES .]
NO.
DON'T -- DON'T CRY.
I'M SORRY.
NO, DON'T -- DON'T CRY.
ANDY! WHAT DID YOU DO? SHE MISSES HER DAD.
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN TELL ME A JOKE LIKE THAT? WELL, I THOUGHT WE WERE GETTING CLOSER.
HOW OLD ARE YOU? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR YOU HAD ABOUT AN HOUR AGO? I PEED IT OUT! Gracie: AAH! Andy: GRACIE, SWEETIE.
[ GLASS BREAKS .]
SORRY.
CAREFUL, EVERYBODY.
BROKEN GLASS.
THAT'S IT.
[ GRACIE SHRIEKING .]
CHERYL, I'M NOT COMING HOME.
I'M RIGHT IN MY MOJO ZONE.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M JUST HERE TO GET RUBY.
AND, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR ZONE OR YOUR MOJO.
AND BY THE WAY, I HATE IT WHEN YOU USE THE WORD "MOJO.
" WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T LIKE SOME OF THE WORDS YOU USE.
LIKE, I HATE IT WHEN YOU CALL A PICKLE A GHERKIN.
A GHERKIN IS A VERY SPECIAL PICKLE.
CHERYL, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST BE MAD AT ME FOR ONE THING AT A TIME? OKAY.
SIT DOWN.
CHERYL, DID YOU EVER DO ANYTHING PERFECT? I MARRIED YOU.
I'M KIDDING.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT ME, OKAY? I MEAN, I WAS NEVER THE CAPTAIN OF A FOOTBALL TEAM, I WASN'T THE KID WHO GOT STRAIGHT As AT SCHOOL.
I MEAN, I EVEN REMEMBER THIS ONE TIME IN MRS.
PEARSON'S MATH CLASS, THERE WAS THIS -- THIS BOY WHO GOT 100 ON EVERY TEST.
PERFECT.
AND I USED TO LOOK AT THAT TEST, THAT 100, AND I WOULD THINK TO MYSELF, "BOY, I WISH I WAS THAT KID.
" I MEAN, I DIDN'T WANT TO BE CHINESE, BUT -- BUT DO YOU KINDA GET WHERE I'M GOING HERE, HONEY? I'M LISTENING.
I'M A VERY LUCKY PERSON, BUT I WAS AN AVERAGE KID, GREW UP TO BE AN AVERAGE MAN.
BUT, CHERYL, TODAY I GOT A SHOT! I GOT A SHOT HERE.
I MEAN, I-I-I FEEL LIKE A KID WHO SUDDENLY -- SUDDENLY HAS A CHANCE TO PITCH IN THE WORLD SERIES OR -- OR TO GO TO THE MOON OR TO BE KING OF THE UNITED STATES.
WE HAVE PRESIDENTS, JIM.
I KNOW.
I WANT TO BE KING! CHERYL, DO YOU REALIZE A 300 IN BOWLING IS A PERFECT SCORE? PERFECT, CHERYL.
AND ALL THEY CAN DO IS TIE ME.
THEY CAN NEVER BEAT ME.
I I-I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE RUBY HOME.
[ SIGHS .]
SO, ALL THIS IS TO GET YOUR PICTURE ON THE WALL WITH 7 FAT GUYS? I'M GONNA MAKE IT 8.
I ONLY HAD TWO BEERS, OFFICER! LOUIS.
ALL RIGHT.
I CAME INTO YOUR OFFICE HERE TO TAKE A LITTLE NAP.
MAN, WHAT TIME IS IT? HEY, WHAT'S UP WITH THE POWER THING? THE WHITE MAN STILL HAS IT.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
OH.
OH.
OH.
OH.
YOU MEAN THE SYSTEM? NO, MY SYSTEM'S STILL FRIED, MAN.
AIN'T NOTHIN' HAPPENING TONIGHT, JIM.
[ SIGHS .]
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING.
WHAT, YOU'RE GIVING UP? YEAH, I GOT A WIFE AND FAMILY WAITING FOR ME AT HOME.
AND I GOT A BEAUTIFUL WIFE WAITING FOR ME UP IN HEAVEN.
WE'RE BOTH LUCKY THEN, HUH? YOU KNOW, LOUIS, I WAS THIS CLOSE TO BEING PERFECT.
YES, YOU WERE.
OKAY.
CHERYL? HEY.
I THOUGHT KYLE SHOULD SPEND HIS FIRST THANKSGIVING WATCHING HIS FATHER BOWL A PERFECT GAME.
THANKS.
DO IT UP, JIM.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
GOOD LUCK, BIG JIM.
MMM.
SMELLS DELICIOUS.
I HAVEN'T HAD A THANKSGIVING DINNER SINCE -- SINCE -- OH, I'M -- I'M SORRY.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH LOUIS? BEATS ME.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
THANK YOU.
HA HA.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
THANK YOU, BABY.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YES, BABY! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! YOU ARE! ALL RIGHT, CHAMP, I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR PICTURE FOR THE WALL OF FAME WITH MY DEAD WIFE'S CAMERA! YES! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
NO, NO, COME ON.
EVERYBODY.
EVERYBODY, COME HERE.
HEY, TONY, GRAB ME THAT LEG, WOULD YOU? THERE YOU ARE, KYLE, ON YOUR FIRST THANKSGIVING! CHEESE! HONEY, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS.
OHH.
I MEAN, THE CANDLES, THE DINNER.
YOU'RE JUST, LIKE, THE GREATEST WIFE EVER.
WAIT.
GOOD-LUCK KISS.
OHH.
GO GET 'EM.
OKAY.
FIRE!
HOW DO THEY BLOW UP THOSE BIG BALLOONS? [ MUMBLES .]
Cheryl: JIM? [ MUMBLES .]
WOULD YOU COME TASTE THIS PIE FILLING FOR ME? OW! HAH! OH, BABY.
WOW.
FANTASY NUMBER 5 -- I CAN CROSS THAT OFF MY LIST.
YOU WANT TO KNOW MY FANTASY? MM-HMM.
YOU PUTTING THOSE GROCERIES AWAY.
OH, I'LL PUT THEM AWAY AS SOON AS YOU MAKE THEM INTO A MEAL.
ALL RIGHT.
I HOPE I GOT EVERYTHING HERE.
OH, HONEY.
CINNAMON STICKS.
I SPECIFICALLY SAID "GROUND CINNAMON.
" WELL, GRIND THEM UP.
YOU CAN'T JUST GRIND IT UP.
YOU CLEARLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW CINNAMON WORKS.
PLEASE DON'T TELL THE FELLAS.
HEY, KYLE! YOUR FIRST THANKSGIVING.
ALL KINDS OF NEW FOODS YOU CAN THROW UP.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, ALL! OH, ANDY, THANK YOU.
WOW, LOOK AT THIS! MARSHMALLOWS, GRAHAM CRACKERS.
I'M GONNA MAKE A TURKEY S'MORE.
AND YOU WONDER WHY YOUR PANTS DON'T FIT.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU LEAVE THEM IN THE DRYER WAY TOO LONG.
RIGHT.
MOMMY, LOOK AT MY HAND TURKEY! WOW, THAT IS THE TURKEY-EST HAND I'VE EVER SEEN.
DADDY, YOU AND UNCLE ANDY ARE TWINS.
YEAH, WHAT'S WITH THE BOWLING SHIRTS? WELL, UH I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S JUST FUN.
IT'S A FUN THING.
JIM? YES, CHERYL? ARE YOU AND ANDY GOING BOWLING? YES, WE ARE, CHERYL.
WE'RE GONNA RECREATE THE FIRST THANKSGIVING WHERE THE -- THE INDIANS AND THE PILGRIMS BOWLED TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, I-I NEED YOU HERE.
I-I NEED YOU TO CARVE THE TURKEY AND -- AND WE'RE GONNA DO OUR PHOTO FOR THE CHRISTMAS CARD.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS KYLE'S FIRST THANKSGIVING.
I KNOW, HONEY, BUT THIS IS A TOYS-FOR-TOTS CHARITY THING.
IT'S A BOWL-A-THON AND I GOTTA GO.
I GOTTA GO.
I JUST GOTTA GO.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A TOY.
YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO LEARN ABOUT GIVING.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL? BESIDES THAT, YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT WE'RE GOING.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA FOCUS ON YOUR COOKING.
YOU DON'T NEED ALL THIS DISTRACTION.
YOU KNOW, LAST YEAR THE TURKEY WAS A LITTLE DRY.
OH, THANK YOU, HONEY.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THOSE DISTRACTIONS.
GIRLS, YOU WANNA GO BOWLING WITH DADDY AND UNCLE ANDY?! YEAH! YEAH! YAY! THAT TURKEY BETTER BE MOIST.
SEE YOU LATER, BUDDY.
COME HERE, GRACIE.
NOW, I GOT FOUR OUT OF A POSSIBLE TEN, SO I PUT DOWN "FOUR.
" YOU ONLY GOT FOUR? YEAH.
FOUR'S NOT BAD.
ACTUALLY, FOUR'S PRETTY GOOD.
ARE YOU GONNA CRY, BABY? ARE YA? HEY! GRACIE, NEVER TALK TO YOUR AUNT ANDY LIKE THAT.
UNCLE ANDY.
UNCLE ANDY.
GO AHEAD, HONEY.
ALL RIGHT.
EVERYBODY HAPPY? HERE, GRACIE.
GRACIE.
GRACIE.
COME HERE, SWEETHEART.
LET ME HELP YOU, HERE.
HERE, NOW, JUST PICK IT UP.
THAT'S IT.
SPREAD YOUR LEGS A LITTLE BIT.
LOOK WAY DOWN THERE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO HIT.
OKAY, THEN ALL YOU DO IS YOU JUST LET IT GO! THAT FOUR'S LOOKIN' PRETTY GOOD RIGHT NOW, ISN'T IT? ANDY! GRACIE? GRACIE, LOOK AT THE PUPPY! OH, RAN AWAY.
FIVE! AAH! FIVE.
GAME'S NOT OVER, PRINCESS.
OKAY, EVERYBODY HAPPY? ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO TO THAT LITTLE DARK ROOM OVER THERE AND WATCH SOME TV WITH SOME VERY SAD IRISH GUYS.
DADDY, WATCH ME.
OKAY, HONEY.
[ PINS FALL .]
HEY! HEY, THAT WAS GREAT! THAT WAS JUST GREAT, RUBY! IT'S YOUR TURN, DADDY.
ME? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I CAN BOWL ONE.
OH.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
A GOOD-LUCK KISS.
THANK YOU, BABY.
HEY! A STRIKE! A STRIKE! HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! YOU ARE.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! HEY.
I MADE CRANBERRY TARTS, CREAM-CHEESE BROWNIES, AND A PUMPKIN NUT LOAF WITH ENOUGH WALNUTS TO MAKE JIM ITCHY, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO KILL HIM.
WOW.
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN BAKING ALL NIGHT.
YEAH.
WHAT'S WRONG? NOTHING.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M GONNA DIE SHRIVELED AND ALONE.
TRY THE BROWNIES.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU LAST HOLIDAY SEASON WHEN YOU WERE LIKE THIS? OH, SOME CRAP ABOUT HOW I'M SMART AND BEAUTIFUL AND ANY GUY WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE ME, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
WHERE'S THE WINE? [ DOORBELL RINGS .]
YOU KNOW, DANA, IT'S NOT EASY TO FIND THE RIGHT GUY.
YOU HAVE TO THINK OF IT LIKE A MARATHON.
YOU KNOW, IT STARTS OFF WITH THOUSANDS AND THEN ENDS UP WITH JUST A FEW GOOD ONES OUT FRONT.
THE POINT IS, YOU GOTTA KEEP RUNNING AND YOU'LL WIN THE RACE.
OR HIT THE WALL AND CRAP YOURSELF.
CHRIS, TONY, HI.
UH, JIM'S NOT HERE.
HE TOOK THE GIRLS BOWLING.
SOBYE.
I'M GONNA CLOSE THE DOOR NOW.
I GUESS JIM DIDN'T TELL YOU -- HE INVITED US FOR THANKSGIVING.
YEAH.
OH.
ISN'T CAROL WITH YOU? NO, CAROL, UH, LEFT ME A COUPLE MONTHS AGO.
OH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN -- IT'S BEEN PRETTY ROUGH.
OH, YEAH.
HEY, DANA! HI.
SO, UH, WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE, UH -- YEAH, SURE.
YES.
SO YOU LIKE COMIC BOOKS? OKAY, FIVE STRIKES IN A ROW! I'M ON FIRE! DADDY! DADDY! NOT REALLY, GIRLS.
NOT REALLY.
FIVE STRIKES EQUALS 130 POINTS.
HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE, UNCLE ANDY? Shh! QUIET.
YOUR FATHER'S BOWLING.
REMEMBER, FOLKS, EVERYTHING'S GOTTA BE EXACTLY THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE EACH BALL.
OKAY? RUBY, MY GOOD-LUCK KISS? GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
THANK YOU, BABY.
OKAY.
SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT.
GRACIE, WERE YOU DRINKING THAT SODA BEFORE? NO.
THROW IT OUT.
AW! THAT'S TOO BAD.
WHAT A SHAME.
IT LOOKED VERY REFRESHING.
ANDY! EAT THE HOT DOG.
AW! JIM, I'M FULL.
I'VE ALREADY EATEN FOUR.
EAT IT! [ BLOWING .]
OKAY.
[ PINS FALLING .]
YES! YES.
YES.
YES.
OKAY, WHO'S YOUR DADDY? YOU ARE.
LOOK HERE, JIM.
THE WORD ON THE LANE, BABY, IS THAT YOU ARE HALFWAY TO A PERFECT GAME.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT, LOUIS.
HEY, WELL, GOOD LUCK, JIM.
IT'S BEEN A LONG WHILE SINCE WE ADDED SOMEBODY TO THE WALL OF FAME.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I KNOW.
YEAH, BABY, AND TO DO IT ON THANKSGIVING WOULD BE SPECIAL.
YES, IT WOULD.
I REALLY HAVEN'T HAD MUCH OF A THANKSGIVING SINCE THE MISSIS DIED.
DO YOU KNOW THAT WHEN I WAS GOING TO THE -- LOUIS, LOUIS, LOUIS? HUH? I'M TRYING TO BOWL HERE.
OH, OH, YEAH, YEAH, MAN.
GO AHEAD.
GO AHEAD.
OKAY.
SHE'LL STILL BE DEAD TOMORROW.
RUBY! COME ON.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
THANK YOU, HONEY.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY .]
YES! YES! YES! YES! ONE MORE, AND YOUR DAD GETS 300 -- A PERFECT GAME.
ONE MORE.
ONE MORE.
UH, GOD, HI, IT'S -- IT'S ME, JIM.
I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT THIS STRIKE.
I PROMISE I WON'T ASK FOR ANYTHING AGAIN.
AND, BY THE WAY, UH, THANKS FOR ALL THE GREAT CREATIONS THAT YOU'VE MADE LIKE, UH BACON PORK CHOPS YOU KNOW, THE PIG IN GENERAL IS REALLY GREAT.
AMEN.
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES AND DIES .]
Louis: WOW.
THE POWER'S OFF.
TOURNAMENT'S OVER.
WHAT ABOUT MY GAME?! OH, YEAH.
290.
NICE EFFORT, JIM.
WOW.
SO THAT'S HOW SPIDER-MAN GOT HIS POWERS.
UH-HUH.
BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE SPIDER.
WHAT BIT WONDER WOMAN? I HEARD IT WAS IRON MAN, BUT I THINK THAT'S JUST AN UGLY RUMOR.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! DANA, COULD -- COULD I SEE YOU IN HERE? I'M HAVING A-A CRISIS WITH THE, UM, UH, PLATES.
COMING, MOM.
WONDER WOMAN WILL RETURN.
DANA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT? I'M ENTERTAINING THE GUESTS.
I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE.
CHRIS IS SO CUTE! OH, GOD.
DANA, YOU HAVE MET CHRIS A HUNDRED TIMES.
YOU ALWAYS MAKE FUN OF HIM, BUT SUDDENLY HOLIDAY SEASON PLUS GLASS AND A HALF OF WINE EQUALS "CHRIS IS SO CUTE!" YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND CHRIS THE WAY I DO.
WE'RE SIMPLE FOLK.
WELL, I WONDER IF YOU'LL SEE CHRIS THE SAME WAY WHEN YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CHARDONNAY GOGGLES.
FINE.
NO MORE WINE, BUT YOU CAN FIX THE PLATES YOURSELF.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? NO MORE WINE.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME DANA, YOU KNOW, THIS IS KIND OF A SPECIAL DAY.
I JUST REALLY DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO RUIN IT.
OHH.
HEY! OH, GOOD.
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST GONNA CALL.
DINNER'S READY.
WHERE'S RUBY? WITH JIM FOR -- FOR GOOD LUCK.
GOOD LUCK FOR WHAT? FUNNY STORY.
JIM, YOU KNOW, IT'S THANKSGIVING.
THE WHOLE FAMILY'S HERE.
PLEASE COME HOME.
CHERYL, I CAN'T.
BUT, HONEY, ANDY SAID THAT THE POWER'S OUT AND IT'S HOPELESS.
HONEY, I AM ONE STRIKE AWAY FROM A PERFECT GAME AND THE LEAGUE SAYS IF I LEAVE, IT'S OVER.
DID YOU KNOW THAT CHRIS AND TONY ARE HERE? [ GLASS BREAKS .]
SORRY.
CAREFUL, EVERYBODY.
BROKEN GLASS.
AND, HONEY, YOU KNOW, IT IS KYLE'S FIRST THANKSGIVING.
DOESN'T THAT MATTER TO YOU? COME ON, HONEY, HE'S JUST A BABY.
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM.
BUT -- BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FAMILY PHOTO AND THAT STUPID PILGRIM STORY WITH THE PIE FIGHT? YOU KNOW, HONEY, WHO'S GONNA CARVE THE TURKEY? CHERYL, I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THIS, BUT I JUST NEED TO DO THIS ONE THING.
BRING MY RUBY HOME! ONE MORE THING -- RUBY CAN'T LEAVE.
WHAT? SHE'S GOTTA KISS ME BEFORE I BOWL.
IT'S A GOOD-LUCK THING.
BUT SHE'S MISSING THANKSGIVING DINNER.
DADDY, MY HAND'S STUCK IN THE CANDY MACHINE! HONEY, NOBODY LIKES A QUITTER! OKAY.
CHERYL, I GOTTA GO.
BYE.
[ BEEP .]
DID YOU GET ANYTHING?! JIM?! OH, GREAT.
JIM'S NOT COMING, AND MY DAUGHTER'S EATING CANDY FOR THANKSGIVING.
Andy: YOU HEAR THAT? RUBY'S EATING CANDY.
[ CRIES .]
NO.
DON'T -- DON'T CRY.
I'M SORRY.
NO, DON'T -- DON'T CRY.
ANDY! WHAT DID YOU DO? SHE MISSES HER DAD.
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN TELL ME A JOKE LIKE THAT? WELL, I THOUGHT WE WERE GETTING CLOSER.
HOW OLD ARE YOU? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR YOU HAD ABOUT AN HOUR AGO? I PEED IT OUT! Gracie: AAH! Andy: GRACIE, SWEETIE.
[ GLASS BREAKS .]
SORRY.
CAREFUL, EVERYBODY.
BROKEN GLASS.
THAT'S IT.
[ GRACIE SHRIEKING .]
CHERYL, I'M NOT COMING HOME.
I'M RIGHT IN MY MOJO ZONE.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M JUST HERE TO GET RUBY.
AND, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR ZONE OR YOUR MOJO.
AND BY THE WAY, I HATE IT WHEN YOU USE THE WORD "MOJO.
" WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T LIKE SOME OF THE WORDS YOU USE.
LIKE, I HATE IT WHEN YOU CALL A PICKLE A GHERKIN.
A GHERKIN IS A VERY SPECIAL PICKLE.
CHERYL, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST BE MAD AT ME FOR ONE THING AT A TIME? OKAY.
SIT DOWN.
CHERYL, DID YOU EVER DO ANYTHING PERFECT? I MARRIED YOU.
I'M KIDDING.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT ME, OKAY? I MEAN, I WAS NEVER THE CAPTAIN OF A FOOTBALL TEAM, I WASN'T THE KID WHO GOT STRAIGHT As AT SCHOOL.
I MEAN, I EVEN REMEMBER THIS ONE TIME IN MRS.
PEARSON'S MATH CLASS, THERE WAS THIS -- THIS BOY WHO GOT 100 ON EVERY TEST.
PERFECT.
AND I USED TO LOOK AT THAT TEST, THAT 100, AND I WOULD THINK TO MYSELF, "BOY, I WISH I WAS THAT KID.
" I MEAN, I DIDN'T WANT TO BE CHINESE, BUT -- BUT DO YOU KINDA GET WHERE I'M GOING HERE, HONEY? I'M LISTENING.
I'M A VERY LUCKY PERSON, BUT I WAS AN AVERAGE KID, GREW UP TO BE AN AVERAGE MAN.
BUT, CHERYL, TODAY I GOT A SHOT! I GOT A SHOT HERE.
I MEAN, I-I-I FEEL LIKE A KID WHO SUDDENLY -- SUDDENLY HAS A CHANCE TO PITCH IN THE WORLD SERIES OR -- OR TO GO TO THE MOON OR TO BE KING OF THE UNITED STATES.
WE HAVE PRESIDENTS, JIM.
I KNOW.
I WANT TO BE KING! CHERYL, DO YOU REALIZE A 300 IN BOWLING IS A PERFECT SCORE? PERFECT, CHERYL.
AND ALL THEY CAN DO IS TIE ME.
THEY CAN NEVER BEAT ME.
I I-I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE RUBY HOME.
[ SIGHS .]
SO, ALL THIS IS TO GET YOUR PICTURE ON THE WALL WITH 7 FAT GUYS? I'M GONNA MAKE IT 8.
I ONLY HAD TWO BEERS, OFFICER! LOUIS.
ALL RIGHT.
I CAME INTO YOUR OFFICE HERE TO TAKE A LITTLE NAP.
MAN, WHAT TIME IS IT? HEY, WHAT'S UP WITH THE POWER THING? THE WHITE MAN STILL HAS IT.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
OH.
OH.
OH.
OH.
YOU MEAN THE SYSTEM? NO, MY SYSTEM'S STILL FRIED, MAN.
AIN'T NOTHIN' HAPPENING TONIGHT, JIM.
[ SIGHS .]
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING.
WHAT, YOU'RE GIVING UP? YEAH, I GOT A WIFE AND FAMILY WAITING FOR ME AT HOME.
AND I GOT A BEAUTIFUL WIFE WAITING FOR ME UP IN HEAVEN.
WE'RE BOTH LUCKY THEN, HUH? YOU KNOW, LOUIS, I WAS THIS CLOSE TO BEING PERFECT.
YES, YOU WERE.
OKAY.
CHERYL? HEY.
I THOUGHT KYLE SHOULD SPEND HIS FIRST THANKSGIVING WATCHING HIS FATHER BOWL A PERFECT GAME.
THANKS.
DO IT UP, JIM.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
GOOD LUCK, BIG JIM.
MMM.
SMELLS DELICIOUS.
I HAVEN'T HAD A THANKSGIVING DINNER SINCE -- SINCE -- OH, I'M -- I'M SORRY.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH LOUIS? BEATS ME.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
THANK YOU.
HA HA.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
THANK YOU, BABY.
GOOD LUCK, DADDY.
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YES, BABY! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! YOU ARE! ALL RIGHT, CHAMP, I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR PICTURE FOR THE WALL OF FAME WITH MY DEAD WIFE'S CAMERA! YES! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
NO, NO, COME ON.
EVERYBODY.
EVERYBODY, COME HERE.
HEY, TONY, GRAB ME THAT LEG, WOULD YOU? THERE YOU ARE, KYLE, ON YOUR FIRST THANKSGIVING! CHEESE! HONEY, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS.
OHH.
I MEAN, THE CANDLES, THE DINNER.
YOU'RE JUST, LIKE, THE GREATEST WIFE EVER.
WAIT.
GOOD-LUCK KISS.
OHH.
GO GET 'EM.
OKAY.
FIRE!