Agent Elvis (2023) s01e08 Episode Script

1
["Green, Green Grass of Home"
by Elvis Presley playing]
The old hometown looks the same ♪
[snoring]
As I step down ♪
Oh, come on.
I am bored out of my fucking mind here.
I know you're holding.
Just give me a little something.
Acid, shrooms, ludes,
dealer's choice, I'm not picky.
That, or I'm gonna lick you like one
of those psychedelic frogs in the Amazon.
Swear to God.
Down the road, I look ♪
And there runs Mary ♪
Ugh. Damn, nothing.
[snoring]
[music playing on headphones]
Have you seriously been
listening to yourself this whole trip?
Don't know if you've noticed,
but not a lot
of entertainment options around here.
You know, Tom Jones does
a killer version of this song.
I don't even know
why you bothered doing it.
Don't you have something else
better to be doing?
I guess I could try
licking Leary's face again.
Tastes like old man balls, by the way.
Thanks for the disturbing visuals.
[psychedelic sitar music playing]
[horse whinnies]
[high-pitched giggling]
[ominous music playing]
[feedback squeals]
- [psychedelic sitar music playing]
- [voices giggling]
Hey, I know you, man.
Everybody knows me.
That's kind of how being me works, buddy.
Now, you mind?
No, you don't understand.
I know the other you.
[whispers]
I worked on you in Germany, man.
Pretty sure you're tripping on something.
[in normal voice]
Of course I am. It's kind of my job.
I basically invented the whole
hallucinogenic business model.
I'm like the Ray Kroc
of getting fucked up.
Good luck with that.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
No, I know you.
You're Tupelo. You're Project Tupelo, man.
[grunts]
Tupelo, man.
[doctor] No, it's fine.
He won't remember a thing.
[Elvis screams]
Jesus Christ. What the hell?
- Let me guess, flashbacks?
- What?
[laughs] Yeah, I know.
Those fuckers can be nasty.
I tried to weed them out,
but I never got the formula quite right.
Here, when you're
someplace safe and comfy,
take one of these.
Sugar cubes? What am I, a fucking horse?
[laughs] Weirdly, yes.
Sometimes.
Oh, that's a good boy, good boy.
Are you out of your goddamn mind?
No, no, no, look.
Those little magic carpet rides
are dosed with my very own
Timothy Leary signature brand,
organic, pharmacy-to-table, artisan LSD.
It's the same batch I gave the Beatles.
You do realize I'm a federal narcotics
officer, sort of, don't you?
Oh, that bullshit Nixon photo-op?
[laughs] Yeah, okay.
It makes a great coffee mug.
There's an Elvis/Nixon coffee mug?
[chuckles]
Wow, you need to get
a handle on your merchandising, Tupelo.
[Elvis screaming]
- Yeah.
- What is it? Another flashback?
That is so weird.
Something must be
triggering those, Tupelo.
[screams]
I bet it's the word "Tupelo."
[screams]
For God's sake,
will you stop saying "Tupelo"?
[screams]
Okay, that one's on you, Tu
[muffled dialogue]
Listen, you have secrets deep inside you.
Take the LSD and free your mind, brother.
Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
[flight attendant] Ladies and gentlemen,
please return to your seats.
We will be landing in Memphis shortly.
Okay, okay, listen up, people.
When we get in the terminal,
form a perimeter around my Elvis,
and no matter what, y'all keep moving.
All right, whatever. As long as we stop
and grab a Goo Goo Cluster.
I'm literally starving to death.
Stopping's a bad idea.
Yeah, that's when they swarm.
Swarm?
Swear to God, this man is like
Marvin Gaye to white people.
I don't think the whole
swarming thing's gonna be a problem.
Okay, now that's fucking trippy.
Damn, my shit is good. Mwah.
This week's the first-ever
Elvis convention at The Peabody.
I guess that explains
all the extra mes walking around.
Although I'm not sure it explains that.
Welcome home, E.
Got the Caddy waiting outside,
all shined up and ready to roll.
Mm! These Goo Goo Clusters
are fucking amazing.
Best thing to ever
come out of Tennessee.
I think you're forgetting,
I came out of Tennessee.
Mm, actually, I'm not.
["Memphis" by Elvis Presley playing]
Long-distance information
Give me Memphis, Tennessee ♪
[crowd screaming]
Damn, it's good to be me.
Listen up, all of you.
Starting right now,
Graceland is off-limits for the weekend.
I need some alone time with my Priscilla.
Easy, tiger, it's not like
I want to hang out with you either.
Professor and I are gonna
grab some ribs, see some sights.
Oh, you got to see The Peabody ducks.
Yeah, I read about those on the plane.
Ducks in a hotel lobby.
Sounds thrilling, as far as
giant health code violations go.
I don't care what y'all do
as long as
whatever you're doing ain't here.
But yeah, you should
really check out the ducks.
'Scilla, I'm home. Where are my girls?
I'll be right down, baby.
I had Patsy take Lisa for the weekend.
I wanted you all to myself.
I sure like the sound of that.
Make yourself comfy
and put on the blindfold.
[chuckles] I got a surprise for you.
Lord Almighty,
I feel my temperature rising.
[Priscilla] Take off that blindfold.
It is seriously good to be me.
[CeCe] Who the hell is Cowboy Jeb?
[Bertie] Ah, sweet, beloved Cowboy Jeb.
He had the number-one
children's show in Memphis.
Cowboy Jeb's Jungle Gymboree!
Everybody loved him.
Then his show got canceled.
Oh. If everybody loved him so much,
why'd he get canceled?
Turns out old Jeb's idea of a jamboree
was getting blackout drunk
and hosting wild orgies
with that fella from Hogan's Hero.
[laughs] Okay.
I love this guy.
All right, so how does the chimp
fit into this Norman Rockwell painting?
Well, it all started
when Scatter got kicked out of NASA.
[bluegrass music playing]
That damn fool couldn't keep
his monkey junk in his diaper.
Knocked up one of the other space chimps.
He was devastated.
It took him
on a nasty spiral of drugs, drinking,
and dumpster sex with strangers.
[Scatter] Hmm?
[growls]
- [zipper rasps]
- [wet sucking sounds]
- [groans]
- [tires squeal, car crashes]
[steam hissing]
[Bertie] All he ever wanted
was to be the first chimp on the moon.
But he only made it as far as Memphis.
[whimpering softly]
- [gibbering]
- [Bertie] And when the money ran out,
Scatter did photo shoots
for Barely Human magazine.
Lordy, I pray for that monkey's soul.
But every unholy sin he made
went to paying for his next fix.
Jeb took him in and cleaned him up.
[CeCe, scoffing]
Least he could do after pissing on him.
[Bertie] He gave Scatter
a job as his sidekick,
and that nasty-ass chimp
turned out to be a big hit with the kids.
Things were great.
But then the sponsors found out
about Cowboy Jeb's kinky side.
[CeCe] And gave him a big, fat raise?
[Bertie] Cowboy Jeb lost everything,
ended up going bankrupt,
and sold Scatter to Elvis for 200 bucks.
Wow, cheap.
How much did he pay for Bobby Ray?
[sighs]
- [romantic jazzy music playing]
- Baby Baby, wait.
Look, I got a little surprise for you.
As sexy as you look right now,
I was thinking
maybe we can connect on a
deeper level.
Ooh, please tell me
that's lysergic acid diethylamide.
Didn't realize
you're on a first-name basis with LSD.
[psychedelic rock music playing]
[Elvis] Didn't know you listened
to this kind of music either.
Baby, it's groovy, don't you think?
Well, it definitely fits
with the incense and black light posters,
that I didn't even know we had,
by the way.
I'll have you know I happen to be
a very cool and with-it chick,
which maybe wouldn't be such a surprise
if you weren't gone so much.
I know. I know. I know.
I just
Are you sure you want to?
I guess that answers that question.
I'm still not feeling anything.
Damn, me either.
I think maybe it takes a while to kick in.
[in gruff voice] Surprise, asshole. Ha-ha!
How's this for kicking in?
Buckle up, buttercup!
What the fuck?
[in normal voice] Exactly.
I don't see what the big deal is.
I thought we'd at least
see colors or something.
[knocking on door]
Shit, be right back.
What the hell are you doing here?
Well
- funny story.
- That I don't wanna hear.
You know that barbecue place
you're always babbling about? Ray Ray's?
Yeah, what does Ray Ray's
have to do with anything?
Okay, well, here's the thing.
Don't be mad,
but the restaurant is not there anymore.
- What?
- I mean, as of a few minutes ago.
I'm surprised you didn't see the fireball.
What are you talking about?
Those assholes followed us
back to the States,
the ones from Algeria
who tried to take Leary.
The Professor and I
had just ordered some ribs
when they came
out of nowhere, and then we
- We kind of got into a little dust-up.
- Dust-up?
Okay, fine, bloodbath.
So, then you came here,
to my fucking home.
Relax, nobody followed me.
Wanna tell him that?
Kill that motherfucker. Finish him.
Chew on his dead fucking eyeball.
I'm not an animal!
I'm not eating anybody's eyeball!
- Uh, no one said anything, dude.
- Jesus.
Oh. I'm losing it.
Uh, yeah, by the way, Agent Overkill,
I'm pretty sure he's dead.
Dear God.
You're gonna pass on the eyeballs?
[laughs] You little bitch.
Jesus, you really are
a pussy motherfucker.
I didn't mean to kill him.
I wasn't even trying to.
Well, his pulverized head begs to differ.
Ugh. It's like head soup.
Would you get out of here, CeCe?
And take Professor Burn-out with you.
Relax, we'll be out
of your weirdly precise hair in no time.
Already called it in. TCB extraction team
will be here in a jiff.
Screw jiff, you need to go.
Get out of here, now.
Priscilla and I just took some LSD.
Get the fuck out.
Look at you being all hip and not square,
taking dangerous hallucinogenic drugs.
I didn't take it to be cool, okay?
Drugs aren't cool, kids.
I'm doing research.
Oh yeah. Yeah, I know.
Me too, since junior high, actually.
So, are you gonna hook me up, or
I got it from Leary.
Hold the fucking phone!
You have been holding out on me
this whole time, you piece of
Shit, okay, now I feel bad.
[suspenseful music playing]
[gunshot]
Lucky shot, hillbilly.
[romantic piano music playing]
Everything okay out there?
I think it's finally kicking in.
Ooh!
[children laughing]
Make that definitely kicking in.
[laughs]
Paul McCartney just crawled out of the TV.
Oh my, my
- my.
- Hello, love.
It feels like I should be
freaking out right now.
Oh relax. You'll be fine.
You know, I've done this a million times.
- Really?
- Oh yeah.
People get high listening
to Beatles albums, and then blam,
there I am.
Ideally wearing clothes, you know.
[Priscilla] Wait.
People hallucinate you in the nude?
They make me do things,
if you know what I mean.
It's a bloody horror show, actually.
So, are you the only
magical tour guide in these trips,
or do other Beatles show up?
Yeah, well, you know,
mostly people hallucinate either me
Or sometimes they hallucinate John
Or sometimes George.
Ringo, not so much.
You know, if the drugs are really shite,
you don't even get a Beatle.
You get one of the fucking Monkees.
Talk about a bloody horror show.
[Jeb] Scatter, you old scamp, you!
Oh, I've missed you, partner.
[gibbers]
I'm totally clean.
Sober for two years now.
They're even talking
about bringing the show back.
- [gibbers]
- I know, right?
I was kind of hoping you'd come back.
Get the old team back together.
What do you say?
[coos]
[crowd] Aw!
Oh, this sucks.
[sighs] I feel you, brother.
You ever feel, you know, unappreciated?
All the damn time.
Sometimes it feels like I'm wasting
my life with this whole Elvis thing.
You shut your damn talk hole.
I saw you sing
at the airport Howard Johnson's.
You are goddamn amazing.
Don't pull my chain, man.
You really think so?
Hey, I ain't going to shit down your neck
and tell you it's raining.
Pretty sure I know that's not rain.
I'm telling you, man. If I close my eyes,
I could have sworn you was Elvis.
That's the problem.
No one closes their eyes.
Maybe the world
just ain't ready for a Black Elvis.
I haven't had a gig in months.
Come on, I find that hard to believe.
[scoffs] Believe it, brother.
The only Elvis working less than me
is Orthodox Jewish Elvis.
And that's only because he can't work
weekends starting sundown Friday night.
Ain't that right, Sid?
Shabbat, rattle and roll, my brother.
Could be more coming here.
Or not. Maybe try being more positive.
- [objects crash]
- [glass tinkles]
Okay, I'm positive
there's more coming here.
[suspenseful music playing]
[all yell and grunt]
Oh! Really love
what you've done to the place.
It's got that whole
mid-century modern warfare vibe.
Who's your deco?
Oh! Good call.
Yes, I didn't like
that coffee table either, hideous.
Shut the fuck up, asshole!
Again, weird guy, didn't say anything.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to him.
[laughs] She can't see me, Einstein.
Do you not know how LSD trips work?
[CeCe] Okay, cupcake,
how the fuck did you follow us?
With the tracker
you left in our submarine.
Thank you for that.
Don't look at me.
You're the one
who left the tracker on the sub, dumbass.
Doesn't mean I want you looking at me.
You have no idea what kind
of shitstorm is coming your way.
We are legion.
Uh-oh, sounds like
you fucked up, superspy,
bringing your dirty work home with you.
Wife's gonna be pissed.
I'd be nervous if I were you,
and not just because
Paul fucking McCartney's trying
to get in her pants in your basement.
Talk about a British invasion.
Side note, you may wanna duck now.
[gunfire]
Ooh-whee, I'm pretty!
[plays flurry of notes]
- Now, let's boogie-woogie, motherfucker.
- [swinging rock music playing]
- [punches landing]
- [Paul McCartney laughs]
[Paul McCartney]
Yeah, you know, great times.
I did this in Hamburg once,
but it wasn't on a Twister board.
I can't believe I'm gonna die
in your tacky jungle fantasy room.
Tacky?
What? What? What, like your jungle room's
way more refined or something?
That's just it.
No one else has a fucking jungle room.
Uh, the waterfall's a tad much, King.
Oh, you still don't get
how LSD works, do you?
[grunts]
So, this is what dying's like.
Get used to it.
You're in TCB, baby.
You have a bright future in being dead.
[indistinct chatter]
[yells]
I'm usually the peace and love guy
on these trips,
but, uh, this gratuitous violence
is actually a nice change of pace.
Ah! God, I love your accent.
'Scilla, that was incredible.
Where'd you learn to do all that?
I've been taking karate lessons,
something you would know
if you were around more often.
Ah, I "sense a"
trouble in paradise, pretty boy.
Get it? [chuckles]
Sense, sensei
You get the wordplay, anybody?
How the hell am I gonna
explain all this to Priscilla, huh?
Well, she's tripping her ass off,
so I wouldn't worry.
And that's exactly why
you shouldn't eat meat.
Those poor animals.
- [groaning softly]
- [children laughing distantly]
I'm serious.
My house looks like a goddamn war zone.
TCB has a cleanup crew.
They'll get this place back
to all its cheesy splendor in no time.
Um, side note,
we might want to take care of that first.
If you follow us, she dies.
[ominous music playing]
[engine revs]
Mind if I appropriate
this side of your neck?
Get the hell off of me!
Come on, man,
it's The Thing with Two Heads.
Rosey Grier and Ray Milland.
Great fucking movie.
Didn't see it.
Oh! Fucking classic.
They transplant a white bigot's head
onto a Black man's body,
and brilliance ensues, right?
Somehow, I doubt that.
Oh. Well. Excuse me.
It might not reach the cinematic heights
of that piece-of-shit nun movie you made,
but still.
[grunts]
[glass shatters]
[tires squeal]
[upbeat rockabilly music playing]
I'm going after Priscilla.
You get the other two.
You're not the boss of me.
But yeah, okay, it sounds like a plan.
[guests scream]
[growls]
[shrieks]
[yells]
[gunshot]
[all scream]
[elevator dings]
[quacking]
Okay, I get it.
They're pretty fucking great.
[feedback squeals]
Listen up,
some assholes kidnapped Priscilla.
I got a brand-new Cadillac for whoever
grabs that fucker by the back door.
You got this, my man.
Hell yeah, I got this.
Here's a song by Mr. Chuck Berry.
Hit it, boys.
[band playing "Memphis"]
There you go, nice gesture letting
a brother show you how it's done.
You do know that Chuck Berry is the true
king of rock and roll, right, King?
I can't stress enough
how much I need you to shut the hell up.
Long-distance information
Give me Memphis, Tennessee ♪
- Did they hurt you?
- I'm fine. Just go.
You have to be the hero. I get it.
[lips smack]
Elvis, the schmucks went that way.
Thanks, man. Dig the sideburns.
- [whip cracking]
- [muffled moan]
[crowd yelling angrily]
Oh help me, information ♪
Get in touch with my Marie ♪
[crowd shouting]
[engine revs]
Whoa! Goddamn!
Who do you think you are? Elvis Knelvis?
Oh man, I know I've been giving you shit,
but that was pretty badass.
[grunts]
[suspenseful music playing]
Finish him. Kill this asshole.
[Elvis] Ah.
I don't
[stammers] I don't know.
I don't know what's real anymore.
Ain't nothing more real
than a memorable beheading.
Let's get shit done.
[Elvis] I don't have to kill him.
Maybe he's got a wife, kids
Motherfucker, you have a wife and kid.
This animal came to your house,
held a gun to your wife's head.
What if your little girl had been home?
Kill him!
The extra head's got a point, honey.
Maybe you should kill him.
Normally I'd say kill him, boss,
but, hell, I've hardly
been in this episode, so
Don't listen to Gomer Pyle.
You're a killing machine.
You're my killing machine.
No, goddamn it. No!
No, I'm not.
We don't
- We don't have to kill him.
- Don't have to kill him!
Goulet, Goulet, Goulet ♪
Yes, we do!
[Elvis screams]
[blades slice]
Damn, it's fucked up to be me.
[upbeat bluegrass music playing]
[Priscilla]
So, how long do you think this LSD lasts?
Can't be over soon enough for me.
Oh look, it's Scatter.
He looks so cute.
What? Hey, I thought I was the cute one.
Oh fuck, look at the time. I gotta go.
I'm late for Jack Nicholson's acid trip.
Trust me, it gets dark fast.
Now, you know that monkey was better off
with that freakshow cowboy, right?
Just like I was better off
before you, asshole.
[Bertie] Exactly how I found them.
They've been sitting like that
going on 12 hours now.
Jesus!
And what the hell happened upstairs?
Looks like I missed a hell of a party,
which is not like me.
Well, that's the damnedest thing.
You got to see this.
That boy was beating his own self up
and shooting up his own goddamn house.
What the hell did you give him?
Ah, one of my custom blends.
An earthy, full-bodied acid
with an oaky vanilla character.
I'm surprised he's still alive, actually.
[CeCe] Got any more?
Oh come on. I'm bored out of my mind here.
I know you're holding.
Just give me a little something.
[upbeat rockabilly music playing]