Alex, Inc. (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

1 ALEX: To get ready for the launch of our new podcast, we created a teaser to built excitement.
It had definitely built mine.
Guys, this is a very big deal.
A sample of what we've been working on for the last three months is about to be released into the world.
Should we all click the mouse together? You can fly solo on this one, Al.
It's just a teaser.
In high school, everyone called me "The Tease.
" 'Cause I was so good at joking.
Okay, fine.
I'll click it alone.
[Mouse clicks.]
And teaser launched.
Now, speaking of which, let's talk about this launch party.
I took care of the chairs.
They're being delivered tomorrow 50 lawn chairs, just like you said.
I didn't say "lawn chairs.
" I said "launch chairs," as in for the launch.
Yeah.
No.
I I know.
Oh, did you guys have a chance to look at my speech? Uh, I did.
I wept, and I have a few teeny edits.
Speech is too long, Al.
What are you talking about? It's 52 minutes right in the sweet spot.
At the very least, you gotta lose Ben's birth story.
Especially 'cause it was such a straightforward birth.
No, no, no.
The birthing process is a metaphor for how this company came about.
It's a must-keep.
- Okay, yeah.
- Up to you.
- You guys are the best.
- [Laptop chimes.]
Ooh! We got our first comment.
It says "PASS," all caps.
Thanks a lot, JoeHeartsCalamari.
It's just one comment.
Yeah, but one guy said it, but that doesn't mean other people aren't thinking it for every one you see, there's a thousand more.
- I think that's roaches.
- Or racists.
Well, maybe he meant "pass," like the opposite of "fail.
" - [Laptop chimes.]
- Nope, just posted again "To clarify this podcast blows.
" Well, this guy clearly doesn't get me.
We have nothing in common.
Though, I do heart calamari.
Hello, family.
Ooh, Dad has his hipster shirt on.
That's right, sweetheart.
I'm headed to a Brooklyn watering hole with my co-workers.
I'll probably be the only one there without a mustache, so I need to make sure I look extra cool.
Now, has anyone seen my purse? Yeah, your recorder is on the chair.
Ah, thank you, darling.
I want to get Eddie and Deirdre on tape talking about the launch.
I'm hoping, once they get a few drinks in them, one of them will say something profound.
Oh, I listened to your teaser, by the way.
- It's really good.
- Ha! - In your face, JoeHeartsCalamari.
- Who? Just some jerky troll on the Internet who left a very hurtful comment.
Hey, since when do you read comments? You never used to care about that kind of thing at Cheer Up.
This isn't Cheer Up, babe.
This thing is all me.
This is the very first thing I've put out there that is entirely my vision.
- It's - Exciting? I was gonna say "terrifying," but, yes, it's also exciting.
Well, just try to remember, you can't please everyone.
Yeah.
Tell that to The Rock.
All done.
Sweetie, do you think maybe an Iroquois village should have more than one thing in it? How about a tepee? The Iroquois lived in longhouses, Dad.
What about when they went camping? - [Scoffs.]
- [Imitates scoff.]
Well, how about a stream or animals, trees, effort? Nah.
This is fine.
"Fine"? Did she just use the "F" word? [Sighs.]
It's like she doesn't even care.
She's in the third grade now.
That's when kids start to separate smart kids over here and cool rebels over there.
Oh, my God.
She's a cool rebel? She's gonna throw keggers.
Are we gonna have to buy a lake house? Not if I have anything to say about it.
Damn it.
I'm gonna make sure she crushes this project.
Once she gets a taste of an "A," she'll be jonesing for more.
I remember my diorama days.
I could capture everything from an ecosystem to a battlefield.
They called me "Shoebox Schuman.
" But that's all behind me now.
One day, you look around you and see there are no more worlds left to conquer.
He'll never make us buy a lake house.
No.
With all our hard work about to be out there for the world to hear, I wanted to have a night out, just the three of us, to celebrate and reflect.
And that's when I realized, it didn't matter who my father was.
It's who I thought my father was that mattered.
Wow, Eddie.
Who knew you had profound stuff in there? I'm as surprised as anyone.
That was beautiful, Eddie.
Hey, what do you guys think that guy's like? Who? Eddie's dad? Well, unless that P.
I.
gets back to me, we'll never know.
No, no.
JoeHeartsCalamari.
Probably a sad loser, no love in his life.
The only thing he's ever "hearted" is a ring of fried squid.
[Quietly.]
Jerk.
Why's this hitting you so hard? The guy's a loser.
Stop getting hung up on it.
You're so right.
Why do I care? I'm I'm obsessing over some nobody.
I don't care anymore.
I'm a grown-ass man.
I'm gonna go tinkle.
Watch my rosé.
Yikes.
Lots of people say "tinkle.
" No, guy's gotten so sensitive.
I used to be able to break his balls all the time.
Now I can't even lightly graze his balls without him freaking out.
I know! I can't graze his balls, either.
Can you imagine what Alex would do if we told him he was being too sensitive? - He'd be a crying mess.
- Mm-hmm.
And he doesn't even pretend to have something in his eye, like a man.
He'll cry looking right at you.
He cried the other day when I told him he mispronounced the word "GIFs.
" I think it's "JIFs.
" Well, don't cry, but it's "GIFs.
" Oh, hey, Ben, what do you think? Soraya really nailed it, huh? She had a little help.
Yeah.
There's some good, um concepts there.
"Concepts"? What would you have done differently? Mom, I like the diorama.
Ben.
Okay, uh, for starters, the Iroquois would never build a longhouse next to a waterfall.
There's flooding, mist, ice hazards.
You gotta put yourself in their shoes.
Don't you mean moccasins? Do you want my help or not? Sorry.
Your layout is smart, but it lacks detail and movement.
I would recommend a lighting component.
Lighting component.
I didn't even think of that.
Look, Ben, I really want Soraya to get a good grade on this, so it's gotta be great.
What do you say you dust off the old glue gun and help me out? Mom, I told you.
I'm retired.
But you're so good at dioramas.
The one you did of Tiananmen Square moved Ms.
Hemzik to tears.
She was inconsolable.
Come on, Ben.
You can't tell me there's nothing left in the tank.
Okay.
But we're gonna use real tree bark.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna put on a pot of coffee.
We got a lot of work to do.
You're too young for coffee.
It's for staining the paper.
If you focus, I'll try my best to be patient.
Wow.
That is so clearly not Soraya's work.
Well, maybe not entirely, but not entirely mine, either.
Shoebox Schuman? Don't call it a comeback.
How was drinks, by the way? It was awesome.
I actually got Eddie on tape for the podcast saying something very profound.
Listen to this.
[Beep.]
EDDIE: Guy's gotten so sensitive.
I used to be able to break his balls all the time.
Now I can't even lightly graze his balls without him freaking out.
DEIRDRE: I know! I can't graze his balls, either.
- [Beep.]
- What the hell is this? Why are they so into your balls? - [Beep.]
- Can you imagine what Alex would do if we told him he was being too sensitive? He'd be a crying mess.
- [Beep.]
- I'm not sensitive.
Why would they say that? You're sensitive! - [Recorder clatters.]
- Hey! Easy! You almost took out my chief.
Ow! It's a really good diorama, Ben couldn't have done it without you.
I do not disagree.
Al? Alex.
Are you still listening to that recording from last night? I'm alternating between that and Adele.
We've both been hurt so deeply.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Oh.
Soraya, carpool's here! Whoa! Looks a little more like an "A" project, don't you think? This has Ben's nerdy fingerprints all over it.
False.
I used museum gloves so that wouldn't happen.
Make sure you show your teacher this little clock.
When you rotate the hands to change it to night, the fires burn brighter.
How am I gonna stuff this stupid thing in my backpack? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful! Benny, help her.
Hey, random question You don't think I'm too sensitive lately, do you? Honey, I'm sorry your co-workers said that stuff about you.
You don't deserve that.
You're avoiding the question.
But there is a bigger problem here, babe.
I mean, if you can't take constructive criticism, your company can never improve.
You're right.
You're right, and as long as Eddie and Deirdre think I'm too sensitive, they're never gonna give me that constructive criticism.
So I need to show them that I'm not sensitive which I'm not, right? I don't know.
Honestly, I feel like, lately, I can't say anything to you without you scoffing and slowly turning and walking out of the room.
[Scoffs.]
[Scoffs.]
With the launch just days away, I knew how important it was for Eddie and Deirdre to know that their leader could take criticism.
Oh, thanks, Mark! You guys, uh, Mark from the fitness app he just told me that I have a flat butt, a weak chin, and chicken legs.
Man, that guy knows how to tell it like it is.
That's incredibly mean.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's just Mark.
He and I have a thing he criticizes me, and then I just laugh and laugh and laugh.
I actually love it.
What is going on with you? That's like the fourth story you've told like that.
How many times can one guy go into the kitchen and get insulted? I guess people just like to bust my balls, which I'm notoriously okay with.
How about you, Ed? Would you like to go in the kitchen and have a go at my balls? I promise I won't cry.
Wh Wait a minute.
Did you s Did you rat me out? Are you wearing a wire? I trusted you! Hey, no one was wearing a wire.
I'll come clean.
I forgot to hit stop on the recorder last night, and I heard you guys talking about how you think I'm too sensitive.
You, um You heard that? Many, many times.
Um, would you excuse me a moment? Sure.
[Muffled scream.]
[Inhales, exhales.]
[Door opens.]
I'm very sorry you heard us talking about you.
It will never happen again.
We were just blowing off some steam, Al.
Honest.
It's fine.
It's fine.
You know what? A good CEO needs to be able to handle criticism.
And to that end, we are gonna read every single one of these comments on the teaser, okay? And once you guys see how it all just rolls off my back, you'll realize that I'm not, in fact, that sensitive, and that you can come to me with any criticism that you have.
It'll help make this company way, way better.
Okay? Sound fun, sound good, good plan? - No.
- Awful plan.
Okay.
Good.
It shouldn't take long.
There's only 232 comments? This is just for the teaser.
Please, let's not go down this road.
Oh, we're going down this road, okay? Come with me.
Hey.
- [Clears throat.]
- Read me one.
Fine.
"This sounds like fun for the whole family.
We listen to podcasts during dinnertime so we don't have to talk to each other.
" Oh, that's nice.
Back to work.
No.
The positive ones don't serve the exercise.
I want you to give me a mean one a super, superduper mean one.
I can handle it.
"We put our dog down this morning.
This was worse.
" Whoo! It does It stings, but I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Great.
Mission accomplished.
Back to the grind.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold your horses.
One more.
There's my little diorama mama.
Mnh-mnh.
Nope, just trying stuff.
So, how did the project go over? Oh, it was good.
People really loved it.
Feels nice to get a good grade, huh? Yep.
My first non-gym "B.
" Wait.
You got a "B"? That project belongs in a friggin' museum.
Did the teacher say why? I don't know.
When I get a "B," I don't ask questions.
W [Scoffs.]
Can you believe this? Mom, once the diorama is out there, it's no longer mine.
It's the world's.
No, it's not.
It's ours, and we deserve an "A" for Soraya.
[Sighs.]
Each comment was like a knife in my heart, but I couldn't stop listening to them.
"The only good thing about this podcast is that it will definitely fail and ruin the terrible host's life.
" Another one.
Alex, we've read 100 of these.
And we have 132 more to go.
Another one.
Come sit closer.
"This podcast makes me want to gouge my ears out.
" "They gave the worst guy on Cheer Up his own show?" "So, wait.
Company is called 'Ajana'? Well, Ajana never hear this again.
" "I'd rather listen to a circular saw - cutting into another circular saw.
" - "Middle finger emoji.
" "All the people in this sound ugly.
" - "If rotting cheese had a sound" - "Vomit emoji.
" "I beat cancer for this? # pissed.
" That's it.
That's all of them.
Did you hit refresh? - Alex - Do it.
[Keyboard key clicks.]
"Finally, a podcast made for my brother.
" "My brother was born without ears.
" [Sighs.]
I think I'm gonna call it a day.
It's 3:30.
Alex, we still have to get ready for the launch tomorrow.
Al? Al! Just let him go.
But that's my jacket.
Today was the day of our big launch, but on account of my hurt feelings, I was having a little trouble taking off my robe.
Morning, family.
Hey! Made you your favorite breakfast, honey steel-cut oats, cut-up banana, little bowl of syrup on the side.
[Refrigerator door opens.]
Dad, that cake is from when Grandma was here three weeks ago.
Oh, come on, honey! It's gonna be okay.
What am I gonna do with all these oats? Is Dad drunk? No, sweetie.
Not yet.
[Keyboard keys clacking.]
Hey, Alex.
Whatcha doing there, Al? Well, yesterday I was soaking up all of the Internet's insults.
But today, I realized I can change their minds.
Oh, Alex, please tell me you're not Replying to each and every comment.
Look at this one He says the podcast is too short.
"This is actually just a teaser, my friend.
The full podcast is much longer.
All my best, Alex Schuman.
" - [Laptop chimes.]
- He already replied.
They all reply.
I would read this to you, but it is a very, very vulgar suggestion.
"Dear sir or madam, I am relatively certain my mother is not interested in that.
" Okay, forget these bozos, Al.
This is a sign of success.
If this many people hate something, it's gotta be popular, right? Like that fourth hour of the "Today" show.
Why don't you take today to recharge, you know, maybe get some sleep? We will handle everything at work, and we'll see you at the launch party.
I'm not going to the launch party.
Alex, you have to come.
Everybody's gonna be there our investors and our advertisers.
No.
Do it without me.
I'm having dinner.
We need you there, Al.
You're the face of the company.
[Chews loudly.]
Ms.
Whitney.
Hi.
Rooni Schuman Soraya's mom.
We have met a dozen times.
Of course.
No, I I remember you.
I just wanted to make sure that you r Never mind.
Uh, I just wanted to talk to you about Soraya's diorama.
Beautifully done.
Thank you! I mean I thought she did well, too.
So, yeah, if we agree, why the "B"? You see these? All B's.
But they're But they're amazing.
They sure are.
Guess what else they have in common? Both parents are architects, Mom is an out-of-work Broadway set designer.
This one's dad actually makes dioramas professionally.
Okay.
[Scoffs.]
You caught me.
I just got worried that Soraya's going down the wrong path.
She's really been phoning in her schoolwork lately.
Last week, on her math homework, she just wrote "nah.
" Listen, I've got a lot of kids that are destined for terrible things.
I have a set of twins I call "the Menendez Sisters" cold, cold eyes.
[Shudders.]
But Soraya's gonna be all right.
She's well-adjusted, social, little bit of a mean streak, but, hey, that usually gets you a homecoming crown.
Really? Great.
I mean, that's that's good to hear.
[Indistinct conversations.]
He'll be here.
He knows how important this is.
Plus, he's got to be out of sheet cake by now.
I'm not so sure.
I sent him that selfie of us, and he responded, "They celebrated the launch of the Hindenburg, too.
" Honey, why are you wearing Soraya's security blanket on your head? Security.
Okay, babe, I think I've figured out what's going on with you, because I think something similar is going on with me.
Are you serious? It is one thing to mess with me, HeartsCalamari, but you come after my wife No.
Babe, babe.
I'm saying this company is your baby, and my baby is, well, our actual baby, Soraya.
She's hardly a baby.
She barely lets me even burp her anymore.
I'm just saying, when something is yours, there's a lot of pressure to make sure it succeeds.
But sometimes, people are gonna give it a "B.
" Yeah, or make comments like, "If road kill had a sound" You know what? Forget that guy.
You know what I realized? If you have done everything you possibly can to make sure that your baby is ready for the world, you just gotta let them do their thing and trust that it'll all be fine.
Did you just use the "F" word? Not the bad fine, the good fine.
Oh, you mean like "foine.
" Your podcast and Soraya are both gonna be foine.
But what if it's not? I mean, I [Scoffs.]
I've put everything we have into this company.
And it's not that I'm afraid people aren't gonna like the podcast.
I can handle that.
I guess what I'm really afraid of is if they don't, the company will fail, and I will have let so many people down.
Alex Schuman, there is nothing that could happen to you or this company that we can't figure out as a family.
And neither one of us is gonna fail, 'cause we are good parents.
And your podcast, babe, is gonna be amazing.
I hope so.
Look, there's one person who agrees with you.
"Leave my daddy alone.
He is the best, and you are a failure.
" [Chuckling.]
Oh, my God.
- Did Soraya write this? - Yes.
She's so cute and witty and loyal.
But, man, she cannot spell.
I know.
"D-A-D-D-D-I.
" Three D's right in a row probably never thought they'd be together.
What kind of school is this? So, what do you think, babe? Should we get out of bed? Foine.
Hmm.
Frosting.
Love Love, love, love Love, love, love That's it.
We're out of time.
What do we do? Do we say something? Do we make the speech? I can make the speech.
I think I can capture more of his voice, but if you're feeling it Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to say a few words.
[Music stops.]
"Watching my wife give birth to our first child was both joyful and scary, though everything went according to plan.
" Oh, thank God.
Alex, you made it! [Cheers and applause.]
Hi.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry I'm late, everybody.
I'm so sorry.
You guys, this place looks amazing.
By the way, I'm sorry that I've been being so sensitive.
It's just I feel like this company's my baby, and I have so much on my shoulders.
It doesn't have to be that way, Al.
Yeah.
It's our baby, too.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe you're the mother, but I'm like the ob-gyn.
And I'm the father.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- It's almost time to launch.
You're not gonna be able to fit in your speech.
Well, as my partners told me, that speech is too long.
Everybody, can I have your attention for a second? Thank you all so much for coming.
I promise I'll keep this brief.
As the great Neil Armstrong once said, "Let's launch this beyotch.
" - On a quiet road - [Cheering.]
When you put your heart and soul into something, it can be tough to release it into the world.
But if you've done your job, you got to trust that it's all gonna be okay.
[Cheering.]
There are always gonna be haters, but the important thing is that you listen to the people that matter.
And since this is just the beginning I know I have a lot of listening to do.
There is love Boom.
A-plus.
Yes! That's my girl.
Another longhouse, huh? What a specific curriculum.
Ms.
Whitney let her redo her Iroquois diorama Oh.
because it's not about a perfect project, it's about you doing your own work and giving it your all.
I went a little overboard before.
I'm sorry.
I forgive you this time.
Thank you.
Now go watch something.
You earned it.
This got an "A"? Doesn't even have a door.
I wasn't gonna panic, but she misspelled her own name.
[Sighs.]