Almost Heroes (2011) s01e08 Episode Script

So Terry, how was your weekend? Well, Pete was out of town for some medieval thing, so I had to- Don't care, I finished my pre-teen vampire novel! Oh, finally! Since when do you write pre-teen vampire novels? Uh, since forever! (Bernie clears throat) (Reading) "Abigail Weatherworth never expected to get fangs before she got boobs.
" Wow, that sounds very niche.
It's semi autobiographical.
So, do you want to read it? I do not! I mean, it's your only copy, so I'd hate to read it.
It's called, "Are you there God? It's me, Dracula".
Wow, what a terrible title.
It even has a 50 page dictionary at the back, so you can understand the bits that I wrote in vampenglish.
It's a very old language I just made up.
Words cannot express how much I wanna read it, but I've got too much going on here, I'm busy.
But you'll be less busy once Peter gets back from his trip.
Are you kidding me? I got more done this weekend than all last month.
And we had two straight days without a fire.
That's a record.
Come on, it's only 500 pages! Some of it even rhymes.
(Shudders) I'm sorry, Bernie.
My friend from Harvard is in town, and I don't even have time to see him.
Why don't you just take a day off? Peter: Sorry.
No reason.
That one kinda got away from me.
I'm a little drunk.
Whoo-hoo! (Sighs) I'm sorry, Terry.
Drinking and archery do not mix.
Terry: Well, we've all seen the commercials.
I wish you could've been there.
What a mean thing to say.
So, what exactly were you doing? Larping.
So, what exactly were you doing? Live action role playing.
- Fine, don't tell me.
- We dress in costume, and hit each other with swords.
Of course you do.
It's a weekend full of magic, intrigue, wine, and wenches.
Sounds like the stuff of song.
Ooh, I already wrote one! I walked into this.
♪ Oh, the wine it was a flowing, ♪ ♪ and the wenches were a blushing, and the- ♪ Okay, you will not believe who was there, dude! Trevor Stiles! Not that guy I've never heard of! He's like the Wayne Gretzky of larping, and we fought him! Good, you won, now help me with these comics.
(Laughs) We didn't win! Nobody beats Trevor stiles.
But still, the bards will sing of it.
♪ Oh, trevor had his axe out, ♪ ♪ and the wenches they were sad ♪ Okay.
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed your day off.
That reminds me I'm gonna need Friday off as well, I wanna have a party for all my larping buddies.
Oh come on, I haven't had a day off in months! So take a day off.
The store literally cannot go a day without me.
Please Terry, I'm not completely useless.
Remember? I built my own scissorhands.
Aah! An afternoon well spent.
Yesss! (Busy signal buzzes) (Cat meows) Oh, what's your name? (Cat hisses and snarls) Oh, no! Oh, my fly's open.
Oh, now to do it up.
Which, I'm sure will be a total success, and completely uneventful.
(Scissors snip) What a terrible example.
Come on, the store's doing fine.
And, I am getting better with money.
Last week you tried to buy a 500 dollar monkey on the black market.
A smoking monkey.
That investment would've paid for itself.
How would it have paid for itself? We would've sold him the cigarettes! Duh! Yeah, I can't leave you alone.
Terry, the store is half mine.
Let me prove I can run it on my own.
(Sighs) Okay, I'll take the day off.
And he'll be just fine on his own.
(Arrow twangs) Stop doing that! Terry: All right, I taped emergency numbers to the counter, as well as instructions for the espresso machine.
This just says, "do not use.
" Exactly, for the love of God, do not use that machine.
When you use that machine, bad things happen.
Rayna, I knew you'd come back.
- I come here every day.
- Me too! We have so much in common.
Mm, not really.
Why hello, Rayna.
One cappuccino.
I believe it is your favourite.
Wow! Thank you, Peter.
You made that? With that machine? What can I say, I have everything under control.
Okay, great.
So I'll just go.
(Slurps) Is this a sock? No refunds.
I haven't paid yet.
That'll be four dollars.
Terry! Terry cloth! Terry-dactyl! Terry: Chet! ChetGuy.
Chett-er cheese.
I didn't know we were doing names.
That's hilarious! Well, you look good.
Oh yeah, I don't know.
I just threw this on.
Man, is this your car? Hey, no man, now it's your car.
- What, really? - No, not really.
No, it's a rental.
Oh, I'm just so excited to see you, man! Oh God, I'm nervous.
Are you nervous? Okay.
So what are you doing in town? My company's expanding all over the world, my friend.
Toronto, Vancouver, Dubai, - All right.
- Hong Kong.
Oh, listen to me, I'm just listing places! Breathe, you're good, you're good.
Chet: We were gonna build a facility around the corner from here, but your friend out there told us this neighbourhood was a sinkhole.
Why am I not surprised? How are you buddy? You smell great! Ha! Oh, you know how it is.
I'm pretty successful.
Dan: Ha! No, you're not! He runs a comic book store with his brother.
They sleep in bunk beds.
(Laughs derisively) Terry: That's only partially true! That's only partially true.
Yeah, yeah.
What's that perfume you're wearing? - Pulled pork? - Lame.
- Excuse me? - You used that one last week.
You're running out of material.
Well, you're running out of time to have a baby.
Two weeks ago.
Bernie! I need to talk to you.
Why? Did you finally grow hair down there? Uh, you tried that on me last week.
Let me guess.
Terry can't stop talking about my book, now you wanna read it too.
What book? You wrote a book? My pre-teen vampire novel.
"Are you there, God? It's me, Dracula!" - What a terrible title.
- What? I mean, you will really have to show it to me sometime.
I've got your copy right here! Dear God, it's upsettingly large! Thank you.
Look, um Terry left me in charge of the store, and I can totally handle it on my own, but there's a bit of a situation.
Oh, how bad could it be? (Circus music plays, monkey screeches) Mmm Chet: I'd say, how about I buy you a car? (Chet and Terry laugh) Hey, thanks so much for lunch, man.
It was great hanging out with an adult.
Yeah, yeah, it was great.
Hey, come work with me! - What? - You could run my Hong Kong office.
Chet, this is a huge opportunity.
This would change my whole life! I don't think I can leave my brother alone with the store.
Well, think it over.
I've gotta know by noon tomorrow.
All right.
(Peter and Bernie whistle) Oh! Why hello, Terry.
Back so soon? How time flies when nothing eventful is happening.
Everything looks totally normal.
It is normal, right, Bernie? (Circus music plays) (Monkey screeches) Totally normal, I didn't kiss a woman with a beard.
What was that? (Monkey screeches) What was that? I'm not a total screw up who needs constant supervision, I'm a professional.
(Monkey screeches, bangs and thumps) Is that coming from the air vents? That is the furnace.
Huh.
It sounds like a monkey.
No, it's definitely the furnace, I will now go fix it, like a professional would.
Just one moment.
Please.
Okay.
Yah! Yah! (Monkey screeches) Looks like Peter's got everything under control.
Absolutely.
You might even say a circus full of freaks never trashed the place.
Well, maybe I can go after all.
What? Go? Go where? I just got offered a job in Hong Kong.
But, but, but Peter: Okay.
(Monkey screams) Just a- ugh! Ugh! Just a rat in a pillowcase, not a monkey in a pillowcase.
Who's angry, I'll be right back.
You can't just leave! He's gotten used to you being here.
He even spends extra time in the morning getting dressed so tha you'll notice me- him! You're right.
He'll be crushed.
Unless I find the perfect time to tell him.
Like at that party he wanted to throw! I'm not sure that's a great idea.
Too late.
(People chatter) Peter: And that's why you don't tickle an ewok! (All laugh) Terry! Oh, thanks for helping! This is so much better than my last party.
What are you looking at, Dark Badger?! Oof! Worst birthday ever.
(Retching sounds) Yeah, so much better.
No problem, that's what brothers are for.
Hmm? Why the long face? Did KFC raise the price of gravy again? Yeah, yeah, I've heard it before.
Here's a new one.
(Clears throat) "When Abigail entered the room, even the teachers laughed.
" "It's not easy to do your make up "when you can't see your reflection!" I think my brain just puked.
That's chapter thirty-seven! You read thirty-seven chapters? (Gasps joyfully) Dan: Get a room.
Oh! Ugh! Terry, this party is awesome! It's got everything! We've got hot girl on bearded girl action, cheezolas! Ah, the worst haircut I've ever seen in my life.
Peter: That is Trevor Stiles! He is the larping king! He's the coolest guy I know.
Terry: What?! This guy? This is the coolest guy you know? What about me? Well, you're the second coolest.
Man: Hey! Okay, third coolest.
Trevor, Trevor! Of the House of Stiles.
It is an honour to have you at our party.
It really is.
I'm here for the wenches, the wine, and the cheezolas.
And now, if I may, an elvish blessing.
(Speaking elvish) He's so bad ass! Terry: So, you're happy? Oh! I am so happy, right now I could take any news.
Perfect! I got offered a job in Hong Kong, and I'm taking it.
What? When? Tomorrow.
And you're telling me now? Well, I wanted to wait 'til you were in a good mood.
So you could ruin it? You're-you're a snake! You're a beer-soaked snake! You're gonna throw your beer at me, aren't you? Surprise! Yeah, thought so.
Trevor: Who dareth soak my cape? Your ass is mine! Tomorrow, 5:00 pm.
No holds barred! Costumes optional.
(Laughing) Costumes optional.
You ladies are gonna have one of your pretend fights? (Laughs) Oof! Trevor: Nothing is pretend anymore.
Come! If we hurry, my mom will make us tacos.
(Trevor's posse laughs) Seriously.
I'm a dead man.
Don't worry.
Why? Because you have my back? Oh no wait, you don't, 'cause you're leaving! Thanks for nothing! (Sighs heavily) Candi: This is so bad.
Do you wanna tell me about what part you hate now? Nope.
What about when Abigail wins the heart of her werewolf soccer coach by using the power of imagination? Terrible.
If you hate it so much, then why read it? I don't want to, I have to finish every book that I start.
It's a thing, now get folding.
Huh.
Give me that back to me! I'm not finished hating it yet! Do you wanna find out what happens to Abigail at the spring formal? No! Does Justin bring her that garlic corsage? Wouldn't you like to know.
I must! Then you get folding! (Huffs angrily) Bernie! What am I gonna do? Peter relax.
Perhaps with a good read? Terry can't leave, I have a fight today! I don't know how to run the store, and we still haven't built a tree house yet, or planted that tree! Peter, the other day we chased away circus freaks, wrangled a monkey, and I kissed a bearded woman.
We lead full lives.
That was one hour.
Terry does it all day.
If he waited for the perfect time, - he'd never leave.
- Exactly! He should never leave! I mean, why does he even wanna go? Running a comic book shop is the dream life! But maybe not his dream life.
You just blew my mind.
I have to let him go.
I know the perfect goodbye gift.
Get that book out of my face! (Door dings) Hey, Pete! I've been thinking.
About the fight, how about you cry like a little girl, while I piss myself? That way we'll be too pathetic to punch.
The old number six.
What, so you're not leaving? I can't let you fight him on your own, he's the Wayne Gretzky of larking.
- Larping.
- Sure.
who cares.
The point is, there will be other dream jobs.
At huge companies Overseas.
No, there won't.
You're taking the job.
I can't! Trevor's gonna beat you up, and you hate beatings.
I sure do, but the fight's off.
What? No fight! I simply apologized to Trevor, and it's all good.
See, I took care of everything on my own.
Wow! Good for you! So, now you're free to hop on that plane and enjoy your in-flight jacuzzis, and shuffle board.
How do you know so little about planes? See Terry, my dream job is to run a comic book store.
But you need to go out and find your own "comic book store".
Thanks.
Sure, my "comic book store" is an actual comic book store, every man has his own "comic book store.
" Who knows what your "comic book store" will be.
Stop saying "comic book store.
" (Whispers) Comic book store.
Well this is your last chance.
Come on, dive in.
The water's fine I will almost miss those lame pick-up lines.
You won't have to.
Wrote down a few of the favourites.
They should get you through a few weeks.
These are terrible, thank you.
I made this for you.
This just says, "no.
" Impressive! - Take care of yourself.
- Yeah.
I hope you die in a plane crash.
Or some God awful disease.
As long as you die.
Oh, small penis! I just got that.
Boyd: I'm really gonna miss you, Peter.
- Terry.
- Right! And if in your travels you come across a one legged man, who answers to the name of Vargas, tell him I want my life back! All right.
Boyd: All right.
Bernie: For the trip.
Terry: A mixed CD? No, it's the audio copy of my book, as read by me.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
We all know you don't want that.
Give it to me! Just give me a hint! Is Montague gonna repeat grade nine? Bernie: Come back soon.
Terry: Well, probably not.
Well, what can I say? I'm gonna miss you, man.
Sssshh! Don't speak.
Just-just go.
Yeah, well I will.
(Car starts) Bernie: You wanna get a drink? Can't! I have a fight to train for.
I thought that got cancelled.
Trevor Stiles never misses a fight.
No, I just couldn't let Terry stay for me.
But Trevor's gonna beat the crap out of you! Don't worry Bernie, I have a plan.
What's the plan? To come up with a plan! Got it! Dan! I need you to train me.
Finally get into the special Olympics? (Chuckles) I'm just joking.
Those guys are real athletes.
I'm gonna fight the guy who knocked you out.
And the enemy of my enemy is my friend's enemy.
Close enough.
All right cream puff, I'm in.
(Dramatic music plays) (Straining) I'm out, this looks like way too much work.
But the enemy of my enemy- Hell, what do I care? I hate both of you.
Either he gets beat up, or you do.
Both ways I win.
I'll show you! Yaaaah! Oh! Aww! (Sighs) You're going through with this? It's just something I have to do.
Alone.
Man: Not quite! You came! We could not let you charge into battle alone.
Know this; Whatever hell is unleashed here today, we will stand with you.
(Sound of hooves thudding) (Horse nickers) Trevor: Easy, dear horse.
Holy shit, he brought a horse.
Yeah.
We're out.
Damn it! Boyd, do something.
He brought a goddamn horse! Prepare for Armageddon! (Car screeches to a halt) Terry: Not quite yet! (Sword clangs) I will stand with you.
Terry! You're here to save me! Uh no, actually I didn't even know you needed saving.
I'm kinda making this up as I go! Then why did you come back? For me.
I came back because Maybe my "comic book store" is actually a comic book store too.
What the hell are you talking about? The comic book- uh The point is, maybe this is where I belong.
Trevor: Ahem! Guy on a horse here.
Right, right.
Uh, well Trevor, looks like you're outnumbered.
Oh, really? I don't think so.
To my side! (Spectators gasp) Okay well, that was short lived.
Guess this is it, we're doomed.
Not for long.
Friends, now is the hour that we stand as men.
And some ladies, thank you for coming out.
On this day, with my brother by my side, I say to all of you Whoever sheds blood today, shall be my brother too! No chance! Ten percent off comics for the rest of the month.
- We're in! - Yes! (Fighters talk encouragingly) All right! Let's go! The numbers favour us! Do they? Or you need a new abacus? (Horn blows) Abacus? Trevor: Yes, yes! My minions! (Fighters murmur excitedly) I was never very good at math.
(Flute plays) (Fighters talk excitedly) (Sword clangs) The time for ass kicking is nigh! I guess we get our asses kicked now.
Together.
(Screaming) For the Silver Salmon! (Fighters cheer) Now do we start hitting them? Yes Terry, now we start to hit them! (Fighters roar) Unleash hell! (Fighters roar) (Swords clang) Excellent, knights! Strike fear in their hearts! Actually, this is quite impressive.
(Fighters squeal) Oh.
Or not.
Are those slapfests? That's- no, that's not very That's not very knightly.
(Sword clangs) All right, you got me.
Good game.
Nerd: Ow! I'm surrounded by Peters! (Shudders) (Fighters scream and squeal) Yaaaaah! Victory is in sight! Now I will join the fray.
(Arrow whooshes) Ow! God! Ow! (Blowing) Whoa, whoa! What the hell? Peter: Sorry! I was trying to shoot the sword out of your hand.
Yeah well, sorry doesn't un-shoot my arm! Terry: All right Peter, give it.
I have a bowling game this weekend! Well, I guess I don't.
So, I-I quit! I don't wanna play anyway! Sorry.
Sorry, everybody.
Sorry, bad arrow safety.
Trevor: Oh! Ah! Stupid game! You were good out there.
Thanks, so were you.
They okay? They're being read teen fantasy by a real live girl.
This is their Christmas.
Bernie: (Reading) "There they stood.
Two lockers filled not with books, but with the undead bodies of a prom king and queen.
"School's out for never.
" Candi: Finally! What a piece of crap! Bernie: "To be continued.
" Candi: Oh, come on! (Groans) Come to congratulate us on our victory? It was impressive, I know.
True, I've never seen a man tickle someone into submission before.
I'm not proud of that.
This is for you.
This just says "maybe.
" Oh! See? Together we can handle anything! Two brothers stand alone- Two people can't be alone.
Two brothers, versus the world! Why is it us versus the world? Come on, Terry! Fine, just this once.
Terry: Two brothers Peter: Stand together.
Terry: Against all odds.
Peter: In an epic battle.
Terry: For the fate of all mankind.
Peter: And they call themselves The masters of the Plazaverse! (Thunderclap sounds) Terry: (Sighs) That's a terrible title.
Peter: What?!