Animal Control (2023) s01e08 Episode Script

1
Thank you for bringing me here.
That's the thing.
If you caught one squirrel,
you caught every squirrel.
You know what I mean? Just like that.
[CAMILA LAUGHING]
[EMILY] Are you kidding me?
PDA in the parking lot.
Gross.
Why isn't this working?
Ow!
Hey guys. Look who wanted
to check out the office.
Hi. I just wanted to say hi.
So nice to meet you. Wow, you're so hot.
[LAUGHS] Oh, thank you.
- [PATEL] Hi.
- Camila.
So, uh, we came in
'cause Camila and I have
a big announcement. We
Hey.
What happened to your hand?
What? Oh, nothing.
No, I just have a paper cut.
What's the what's the announcement?
With that much blood?
There's a lot of blood.
That doesn't seem right.
Yeah, that's just how I bleed.
What is the big announcement?
So Shred and I are having
a paella dinner tonight
and we would love for all of you to come.
Oh! [LAUGHS] That was
a big ramp-up for paella.
A rice-based dish with gifts from the sea.
- I'm in.
- Yeah, me too.
Yay.
Emily?
Well, look at this.
Shred has brought a friendly face in
for his 10-week performance review.
Lovely to meet you. I've heard great things.
Patel, you wanna do that thing we rehearsed?
Yeah, I changed my mind.
May I?
Sure.
Dead man! Dead man walking!
We got a dead man walking here!
He's gonna be fine.
Take it easy on him.
He didn't get much sleep last night.
[LAUGHS]
Oh! I bet he didn't 'cause of you guys.
Should we start the performance review?
Emily, what about tonight?
Come on, I won't take no for an answer.
No.
Kidding, um that was a joke.
I, um yeah. I would love to come.
Okay.
- You have blood on your face.
- It's just
It's just a little bit there, to the left.
I'm just gonna go, uh,
wash my face right now.
So excuse me.
[OPENING TITLE THEME SONG]
♪
♪
Hmm. Incident 40.
On the 27th the same catch pole
was left by the trainee
in the Walgreens parking lot.
Okay. Uh could you just call me Shred?
Said trainee is under the
impression that catch poles
are cheap disposable tools,
when, in fact, they cost $285
a piece before engraving.
Okay, I think we have enough specifics.
Uh should we just wrap this up?
I'm sorry. Am I actually gonna get fired?
It is the recommendation
of this senior officer
that we extend said trainee's
10-week probationary period
by another 10 weeks.
Is this normal?
No.
Congratulations, Shred. This is good news.
And you owe us four catch poles.
Okay.
[DISPATCH] Truck 8.
Report of a dead sturgeon
that needs to be removed
from Memorial Bridge.
Nuh-uh.
No. I don't wanna pick up a rotting fish.
I got this.
Truck 8 responding.
We're nowhere near the vicinity.
[DISPATCH] There's a GPS
transponder on your truck.
Yeah.
Standby.
Seriously?
Uh, Dispatch
Memorial Bridge is in the Department of
Fish and Game jurisdiction
so we have to cede to their authority.
Yeah.
[DISPATCH] Not the southern
half where the carcass is.
Truck 8 responding.
[DISPATCH] Thank you.
Listen, I didn't wanna say
anything in front of Emily
because I think these things
should be kept in the truck.
But regarding the whole
performance review thing,
I also have some thoughts.
And you're sure you wanna
say those thoughts out loud?
It's about your mentors hip style.
You tend to focus on the negative.
Oh, well that's because you always give me
such an unbelievable
multi-course meal of screw-ups.
Like when you left the raccoon crate open
or forgot about the Popsicle
in the glove compartment.
You did that one twice.
But, see why do you have this list
of all my mistakes in your head?
Why not a list of all
the things I do awesome?
You know what? You're right.
That's on me.
I'm gonna need more time.
[PATEL] Oh!
[VICTORIA] Oh God!
Are you telling me there's not one bear
that could've taken this off our hands?
Come on bears!
Good thing my olfactory
senses have been deadened
from years of changing diapers.
Oh, man.
Nope. I smell the whole thing. Ugh!
This thing's huge.
How are we supposed to put it
in the back of our truck?!
Maybe we don't have to.
It would be really nice to
stick it to Fish and Game.
Maybe we could drag this thing
a dozen feet north into their jurisdiction.
I like it.
We stick it to those cocky bastards.
Yeah, with their helicopters
and their incredible health insurance.
With their stupid Instagram.
It's like, I get it, you track elk.
Right? Hey, so are you actually
gonna help me lift this?
Or do you still have "back issues"?
I do have back issues.
Do you need to see a scan of my C-4?
I don't need to see a scan of your C-4,
I've seen you carry two cases of beer.
Again with the barbecue?
I told you, that was pure adrenaline.
I don't wanna do this now.
Let's let's pick up the fish.
[FLIES BUZZING]
Ugh!
[GROANS] Oh you reek.
You've been here long enough
for rigor-mortis to set in.
[RETCHING]
Here, chuck it here.
Hoo!
[SIRENS CHIRP]
Oh, no. Fish and Game.
How did they get ATVs?
- [PATEL] What the?
- [DRONE BUZZING]
Cancel the drone.
We get it, you got a lotta toys.
The boys get a little squirrelly
after a week in the high country.
Just having a little fun.
So there's the fish.
We were tracking poachers
about nine clicks due south,
by the ridge-line.
Cool. So there's the fish.
Prescription. Our insurance covers them now.
[WEAK LAUGH]
- Yeah. Whatever.
- Well look, it looks like it's, uh,
unfortunately on your side of the bridge.
Yeah, it's on our side. We got it.
Okay.
Thanks for babysitting it until we got here.
Good to see you again, Leslie.
That was so satisfying.
They get free glasses?
Apparently.
Listen. I've had a lot of coaches
so I know what works for me
and I think I can help you out.
So you could mentor my mentoring?
Yeah. I used to have this one
coach from Croatia, Madric,
before he critiqued me he would always leave
with something I did well.
[DISPATCH] Truck 12. Report of
a very aggressive attack dog.
2929 West 53rd Street.
Seattle PD can't handle it.
Truck 12 responding.
Hey man, you really nailed
your "Truck 12 responding".
The timbre of your voice was
assertive but not insistent.
Real kudos to you.
Okay.
Sarcasm is another thing
I wanted to bring up to your attention
but I have been working on
my radio voice so thank you.
[OFFICER] Here they come
in their big puffy suits.
What do we got, boys?
It's a lawyer from Panama, got
arrested for money laundering.
He's got an attack dog
you're too scared to deal with?
- It's crazy looking, man.
- Some sort of mastiff.
Looks like it should be
guarding the gates of hell.
We got it from here, you guys take a break.
Oh, that's right, you already are.
- [FRANK] You ready?
- [SHRED] Let's do it.
[FRANK] Alright.
[OFFICER] Fifty bucks they don't
fit through the front door.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
- You getting this?
- Oh yeah.
[SHRED] They're mocking us, Frank.
[FRANK] They're mocking you,
Shred. I look incredible.
Ow!
- What are you doing?
- Oh, yeah. Just updating and collating
our emergency preparedness manual. So
Did you cut your hand again there?
No. Well uh well, yeah.
Just a few paper cuts.
Maybe you're not handling paper properly.
- Uh huh.
- [SNIFFING]
What are you doing? Um
Yeah, you guys smell like fish.
Yeah.
Oh, we moved a whopper off
the bridge today. It was
Right, right. The sturgeon.
What did you what did you
guys end up doing with that?
We bagged it.
And we we took it to the City
Disposal Area per protocol.
Oh, great. Did you guys see
anybody up there?
Oh yeah, yeah. There were hikers.
One of them had a man bun.
- She knows.
- Oh.
Yeah. Fish and Game called me.
I can't believe you guys moved a
carcass to another jurisdiction.
Okay, it was like four meters. Nothing.
- Not a big deal.
- Victoria, I know that's really 12 feet.
And you do not dump work on other agencies.
Okay, they're really condescending though.
They called us dead fish babysitters.
Oh, yeah, that's unfortunate.
But what, you're just gonna
stoop to their level?
Why take the high road?
The low road has less traffic.
Oh, I mean that's that's gonna go viral.
- That's good.
- [SIREN WHOOPS]
- What is?
- Who is it?
[FLIES BUZZING]
No! They did what we did to them back to us.
Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong.
What? No. No.
You two are taking this fish directly
to the City Disposal Area per protocol.
Is that clear?
Crystal clear.
Fine, boss.
Nope.
I think it's endearing how
she actually believes us.
- Right? She's the best.
- Yeah.
[SNIFFING]
[YELL] Whoo!
Whoo doggy!
- Yeah.
- Whoo!
[FRANK] Come on out, pooch!
We got a bucket of bloody meat
in the truck for you.
[SHRED] Just here for a spot of tea.
Clear clear to the left.
That's a really nice fireplace.
- [FRANK] Is it clear?
- [SHRED] It's clear.
[FRANK] I'll check in here.
[SHRED] Whoa! I think this is a safe room.
- [DOG BARKING]
- [SHRED] It's him!
[FRANK] Oh, doggy.
[SNARLING AND BARKING]
[FRANK] Get in the room! Get in the room!
- Get in the room!
- Close it! Close it!
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT] [DOG BARKING]
[FRANK] The hallway is
officially not clear!
[SHRED] That dog is pissed.
[VICIOUS BARKING]
[OFFICER] It's been 10 minutes.
I hope they're doing okay in there
in their big puffy suits.
[VICIOUS BARKING]
I've never been in a panic dressing room.
Okay. I get a smidge claustrophobic,
I should probably come clean about that.
Important contacts.
Lawyer. Accountant. Soul Cycle instructor.
- Hmm. Oh, hold on.
- What?
Dante information.
A-word, victory. R-word, tranquillo.
Dante's the dog.
Dante! Is that right? Are you Dante?
[VICIOUS BARKING]
What is this room made out of?
There's very little air.
And why aren't the ceilings higher?
A is for attack, R is for release.
If you say victory, he attacks.
If you say tranquillo,
Dante should stand down.
I feel like it's tranquillo.
No, it's tranquillo.
I took Spanish in community college.
Okay. I have an actual Spanish girlfriend
that yells at me in Spanish all the time.
Dude. It's tranquillo. I'm going for it.
Dude, I'm not 100 percent on this
but I don't think you're
rolling your R's enough.
[DOG GROWLING]
[DOG GROWLING]
Tranquillo.
Nailed it.
Oh!!! It's got me!
Frank! Frank!
- It's going to kill me!
- Frank!
It's got me! Help!!!
Help! Help! Help me. It's gonna eat me!
[FRANK] It's a hellhound!
It is not of this realm!
[VICTORIA] This thing is getting so heavy.
[PATEL] Hurry! Hurry! Go, go, go!
[VICTORIA] Look at all their stuff.
Oh, my God, they've got a sauna!
What? Whose taxes are paying for that?
In here.
Ahhhh!
- Put it up here.
- Right here.
Oh!
- [LOUD BEEP]
- Over there. Pick it up.
[SECURITY RADIO] All officers be advised.
Possible security breach
in sector Foxtrot One.
- [IN HALLWAY]
- Right this way!
Go! Go!
[DOG CHEWING]
That could've been my arm.
Yeah.
He's going to town on that thing.
It's like kibble to him.
It's probably because the suit smells like
every dog and cat we've ever captured.
We gotta change our scent.
We gotta smell like the owner.
We gotta smell like money, man.
I'm putting on the silks.
[FRANK] Yeah, good call.
Take off the huge protective suit
and ensconce yourself in that
impenetrable kevlar-like material, silk.
See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
I come up with a good idea
and you shoot it down
without even trying.
But if it's a bad idea, which
it is, we could end up dead.
Put your clothes back on.
No! I'm putting on his musk.
Please don't. I can't stand that
Oh. I usually hate cologne but
that has some really good notes.
I know. It smells good.
This is a good idea and you
should do it with me, man.
It's gonna work
and I think it would be a big
step for you mentor-wise.
Would you please stop implying
that this is a two-way learning process?
It's infuriating.
Frank, I'm going out there
with or without you.
- Okay.
- Which is it?
Without.
Sometimes it takes a horrific mauling
to learn from your mistakes.
This is probably your mauling.
Open the door.
On my count. One two
Are you seriously not
going out there with me?
I mean, you would look so good in the black.
Three.
[DOG GROWLING]
Hey. You smell that?
That's right, I'm a global money
laundering master.
I would do an accent
but I don't know how to do one
in a way that's not offensive.
Frank! Frank! I got him. I did it!
Victory!
- [FRANK] No!
- [DOG BARKING]
It's tranquillo! Tranquillo!
[IN SPANISH ACCENT] Tranquillo!
Shred?
[SHRED] It worked!
- You died?
- [LAUGHING]
It worked.
Wow. I guess that's two vi
[DOG GROWLING]
moments of success I've had here today.
Hey.
Patel still cleaning up?
Yeah. He gets dinged if he
comes home smelling like fish.
Hey. Is everything all good with you?
With me? Oh yeah, totally. Why?
I don't know.
You were just really collating earlier
and you've got all these paper cuts.
I don't know, you just kinda
seem like something's up.
Oh. Um Yeah. Yeah.
I don't wanna go to this dinner tonight.
I don't really wanna go and eat
Camila's freakin' paella
and just watch her and Shred be
all international snowboard lovers, so
Oh, my God.
I must be more self-involved than I thought.
I had no idea you had a thing for Shred.
Oh oh no, I don't um, anymore.
I mean, I did, like
like, no, I definitely did.
But, um no, then she
came back and she's, like,
- off the charts amazing, so.
- Yeah.
I'm just kinda, like, in my head about it.
So maybe that means I do still like him.
I don't know.
Oh, man. Yeah.
That can't be easy. But she's so gorgeous.
- Yeah.
- And, like, really cool and nice and fun.
She seems like a cool chick.
Yeah. And she's a pro athlete, so.
- Yeah.
- I don't wanna be around any of that.
Hey, um, why don't you just bail tonight?
I could vouch for you.
You know, say you had a tummy thing.
Everyone knows that you barf easy.
How do you think that would look?
Honestly, probably like a bail so, uh
Yeah.
Oh, why don't we get a few drinks beforehand
and show up a bit wasted?
I mean, I wish there was another way, but
Well, I will be there tonight
so if it gets totally unbearable,
just give me a signal.
And then we can get outta there together.
- It'll be our little cover.
- [LAUGHS] Okay.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, thank you. Thank you.
I do think that you should head
home and freshen up though.
- Yeah.
- Change those bandages.
God, I am just not clotting today. So
Yeah, get some fresh ones on.
Yeah. Stop by the doctor.
Okay. Maybe stitches.
[DOG PANTING]
You wanna take this guy on a perp walk?
Yeah, you wanna put your uniform back on?
No, no. I think it'd be baller
to go out there like this.
You know, the cops are
going to be filming it.
Dressed like a tablecloth?
Dude, I look good.
Also, I'm still waiting for it.
What?
The "good job, Shred". "You killed it".
"Your outside the box thinking
really came through".
I don't teach like that.
Come on, man. What's the point of all this?
It's like you're trying to
demoralize me into leaving.
Is that what you want, you want me to quit?
No, I don't want you to quit.
Then make me feel like we're
in this together, Frank.
I don't know how to do it any other way.
It's me, Shred. Come on.
Well, what if we saw this
as a teachable mentor moment?
It's hard to take you seriously
dressed like that
but I'm thinking about it.
[SPANISH HIP HOP MUSIC]
♪
♪
It's here!
- [EMILY] Oh, my God.
- [VICTORIA] Oh, my gosh.
[VICTORIA] Wow.
[FRANK] I hope there's
another one of those.
Amazing.
Thank you for doing this.
Of course.
You know, I made Shred
seat us next to each other.
Oh?
I'm really excited to get to know you
and a little nervous, to be honest.
Why why are you nervous?
[GLASS CLINKING]
[PATEL] I'd like to make a toast, everyone.
Uh first of all, Camila,
thank you so much for having us.
This paella looks delicious.
And might I add,
the paella is not the only dish
being served today.
Fish and Game also received
a nice, big plate of how do you like me now?
What?
Oh, nothing. Never mind.
What is he on?
Wait, so why why were
you nervous to meet me?
It's it's just the way that Shred
[FRANK] You know what?
If we're giving speeches,
uh, then I think it's my turn.
Really? I feel like we should just dig in
'cause that looks amazing.
Yeah. Let's not really do toasts,
let's just let conversations
evolve, you know?
Did you guys not eat today?
Because I would like to direct this
at Camila's much, much lesser half,
who actually had a halfway
decent day in the field.
He single-handedly captured
a 149-pound mastiff
and then wore the hell
out of some silk pajamas.
I would like to recommend my trainee,
from here on out, be known as Shred.
[VICTORIA] Woohoo!
He is off probation and is
granted junior officer status.
[ALL CHEERING]
- Cheers!
- Cheers.
I would like to propose a toast myself.
To Frank, who might just turn
out to be a pretty good mentor.
But he's not quite there
so I recommend extending
his mentor probation period.
Uh mentor probation? That's not a thing.
Show of hands who thinks mentor
probation should be a thing.
[VICTORIA] I'm in.
What a bunch of Judas'.
Guess who's back on probation?
Yes, my trainee everyone.
I pull my recommendation.
So so you were saying
something about Shred
and you being nervous and then you
Oh no, it's stupid. I'm just being insecure.
It's just that you can tell
by the way he talks about you
- that he thinks you're really great.
- Oh.
And then I met you
and you're, like, radiant.
Okay, I I don't know about that.
I don't know that I radiate.
You do. Trust me.
I think they're waiting for the
host to tell them they can eat.
Oh my God, of course. Let's eat.
- I'm gonna start with you.
- [SIREN WHOOPS]
- [SHRED] What is that?
- [VICTORIA] Wait. What?
Oh!!!!!
- [SCREAM]
- [GLASS SHATTERING]
What the hell is that?
That's the overwhelming smell of defeat.
Oh, Jeez!
[EXHALES] Oh!