Animals. (2016) s01e08 Episode Script

Phil? Philip? - Mom's talking, dude.
- Yes? I need you to look at me when - I talk to you.
- Okay.
Yes.
- I'm sorry, Mom.
- I'm sorry about him, Mom.
Okay, so here's the deal.
- I gotta go to work.
- Mm-hmm.
I am going to leave Mike in charge.
- What are you talking about? - Yes! I'm going to leave Mike - in charge tonight.
- Yes! - Do you got that, Phil? - You better prove to me that you can be a little bit more responsible this time, and that means no broken dishes.
- That was actually - That was Mike's fault! I know it was one of your faults, and I don't want any broken dishes.
- None.
- Yes, Mommy.
If you have any emergencies, you go immediately to Mrs.
Garducci's apartment and ask her for help.
- Can I trust you boys? - Yes.
- Yes.
- You can leave us.
We'll be fine.
I love you.
- I love you, Mom.
- Love you too, Mom.
- All right.
Bye.
- See you, Mom.
- Bye, Mom.
Take care, okay? - Bye, Mom.
Love you.
Okay, so, Phil, for my first order of business as leader, I'm gonna need you to get me three juice boxes.
- Okay? - What? N no way! - Phil, Mom put me in charge.
- Okay And everyone knows every leader needs a servant, and that's where you come in.
Every leader needs a servant? - Yeah.
- Hm - I mean, I guess that logic holds up.
- Yes, it does.
- Three juice boxes? - Yes.
grape, cherry, and also a tropical mix.
You know, it's sort of citrusy, but it also encompasses the other flavors.
Oh, wait, that sounds nice.
I think I - would like that.
- And it's seasonal, so you should probably if you're interested - Mike! - All right, all right.
Hold on.
- Mike! - Phil, hold on.
- I can't see anything, dude! - All right.
Hold on, I gotta find the light.
Turn on the light! I'm freaking out! - Oh, no, dude.
- Oh, man.
- You broke everything, Mike! - I didn't break anything! - What are you talking about? - You broke everything! - You went into the kitchen! - Everything's broken! - All right, everything's fine.
- This is not good, Mikey! - Everything's gonna - No, it's not fine, Mike! My toys are broken.
The chairs are broken.
Mom's China is brokeeeeen! Okay, you know what? That one was on me.
- That one was on you - I think, yeah.
I did that.
- That's impressive.
- All right, look.
Mom said that in the rare case of an emergency, that we should go to Mrs.
Garducci's apartment - for help, all right? - Okay.
So, that's what we're gonna do.
- Just follow me.
- If you could just carry me a little bit? - I'm very disoriented.
- Okay.
- I got you.
Come on.
- All right.
You got a little bigger than last time.
I've been a growing boy.
Ugh, it smells so bad in here.
- Mrs.
Garducci? - Oh, there she is.
She's lying Oh, I think she's sleeping.
- Okay.
- Oh, she's so old.
Hi, Mrs.
Garducci.
- It's Mike and Phil from downstairs.
- Hey! From downstairs.
Our mom said to come up here if there's an emergency or anything Oh, my God! What are you doing? - Who are you?! - I'm April.
I live two floors above.
Why are you screaming? That's not scary.
Yeah, but groceries up those stairs? Oy gevalt! That a nightmare.
Forget about it.
- We've never seen you before.
- Yeah, you live in the building? We live in the building.
Yeah, I come and stay with my dad sometimes when he's not away, so I'm not here that often.
Where are you from? Why do you sound so different? Long Island.
- Oh, it's a Long Island accent.
- It was a Long Island accent.
Have you checked this place for supplies? Of course we have checked it for supplies, April.
Um, I mean, there's a shoehorn over there, And there's, like, four packs of those, like, tiny screwdrivers to, like, fix glasses.
Mm-hmm.
- You know what I mean? Those are right there.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, great, this will be really useful.
Wait Wait, wait, wait, where are you going? Don't you guys get it? The tree fell on its eastern side, which is where all the entrances are.
If we wanna get out of here in one piece, we need to get to the roof.
The roof? But that's on the other end of the tree.
That's, like, 80 feet.
Then we better get going now.
- We don't have time to talk about it.
- Yeah.
I was actually just gonna say I think we should go to the roof of the tree.
I'm actually the leader here, um I'm actually liking what April's putting out.
- Well - 'Cause she sounds assertive, whereas you tend to get a very shaky voice.
See you guys later.
- I'm gonna catch up with you - We should probably follow with her.
She's a girl squirrel, right? - Yeah.
- She's, like, a Okay.
I just wish they would, like, tell me before they drop them because I didn't clean up at all and now it's like he's looking at me like it's messy in here, and it's, like, why am I even doing this to myself? Like, it doesn't matter.
I'm gonna eat him.
Like, I'm I'm gonna eat him.
Like, why do I care? What do I have to make the first move or something? I know you've done this before.
I haven't, so chomp on me and get it over with.
This this tank is disgusting.
You know, I feel like the assumption is that this is easy for me, to literally have to stare at him like I'm some psycho murderer who just loves it? They think I'm like that, but it's, like, I don't need this-s-s.
What the fuck? Is she S-Sonya, don't you dare weep.
What is going on? Don't you machine gun weep.
S-S-S You know what? Fuck this snake.
I'm out.
How do I get out of here? Just gonna climb up this with my tiny fingernails.
What? Check out this fucking pervert right here, like, trying to climb up a smooth wall.
Go ahead, little critter, like, wiggle that butt up that glass.
Like, you are actually perking my appetite up.
Yup, yup, I'm getting out.
I'm not gonna look down 'cause I know I'm making progress.
Him feeling so much hope and joy is what's making me feel so fucking hungry right now! I'm wigglin'.
I'm getting up there.
His face and his wiggling little buns are like the amuse-bouche.
Like, I am ready to eat this mouse! Oh.
Look who's suddenly interested.
Yeah? Is this what you wanted? You're sick! You're, like, demented.
I'm fucking starving now.
I'm gonna come across.
I'm gonna eat you and then you're gonna be inside of me.
Oh, my God.
She's actually coming over here.
Here we go.
This is what you were born to do! You're a beautiful murderess, you fucking bitch! Sue saba! Yeah! Eat me! Huh.
You should have chewed me up like a normal person.
Yo, I can just, like, walk around in here? What the fuck? Is he still This is so annoying.
We had what we had.
It was great, but, like, just fucking die now.
Why prolong this? This is actually kinda nice.
I didn't think it was gonna be like this at all.
It's kinda dark, but that's fine.
She'll open her mouth again I bet.
You're not gonna live in me.
Like, you're gonna die, and, like, if I were you, I'd fucking kill yourself before I start turning you into poop 'cause that's gonna be fucking horrible for you.
And I'll put this right there Cute.
Whoa! That fluid stings.
It stings a little bit.
Oh, I do feel that the digestive process has set in.
I can tell.
Yeah, I burped.
Yeah, it's happening.
Hey, the walls.
The walls are closing in a little bit.
I don't know what you're doin', but You know, it just goes to show that sometimes the most heightened and electric experiences are those of following tradition.
Being in our roles.
Ow, my lamp! I'mma take this as a win.
I'mma clean up my house now.
Amen! Watch your step.
There's some stuff on the ground right there.
You should probably watch your step.
Urgh! Man, yeah, guys, make sure you stretch it out too just You don't have to talk the whole time, Mike.
Look at April.
She has a destination plan, and she's doing it.
Really glad you guys are coming with me.
April, how old are you? Some people say I look 15, but I'm actually 13.
Oh.
Hm.
That's really cool.
I'm nine years old flat.
Just had a birthday.
You know what I got? Cool.
- What? - A poster.
- Mike's 12 and a quarter.
- You're younger than me.
But remember, I was born late.
I was in my mommy's tummy for too long! So, I'm technically older than April.
Just so that's clear.
Oh, you over-gestated.
You got scrambled eggs for brains, bro.
Over easy, beautifully done, okay? Oh, man, it's, like, really dark in here without any of the hallway lights on, and, um I'm not scared or anything, but I'm getting, like, a little bit of the shakes and, like, the spooks.
Here, just close your eyes for 10 seconds, then open them, and you'll be able to see much better.
That's a patently dumb idea.
I'm sorry, April.
I don't mean to call you dumb.
Oh, my God, it worked.
- Thanks, April.
- You're welcome.
- That was a cool trick.
- Thanks.
You are not a witch, are you? Shh! - Okay, that's not good - Shut the fuck up.
What was that? - We should probably go the other way.
- We should probably go - the direct opposite of that noise.
- Yeah.
- Maybe Mrs.
Garducci's better.
- What? No! It's a survivor.
We should see if they need help.
That is not the right instinct.
Oh, and she's gone.
We should probably go with her toward the scary noise.
Okay, just be confident.
I heard if you do this for 10 seconds Oh, no.
This was not a good idea.
April, this was your idea.
- April, you talk to her.
- Okay, okay.
Excuse me.
Uh, I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Uh Hi.
Okay.
No.
She's on a tear, so It's as I prophesied.
The spirit caused this catastrophe.
He's been trapped in the bark of this tree for generations and has finally been released! He spoke to me in my dreams.
Mike had a funny dream the other night.
You had a wet dream.
- I didn't really know what it is - No! - I didn't.
I didn't.
- April, that's not what, uh - I don't know what you're talking about - No! The other day you said you had a wet dream and it's a sign that you're finally becoming a man, - and - That's not what I said.
I had a dream and it was wet in a dif It was like the the water park.
Have you ever been to a water park, April? - Do you like water parks? - April, scary lady, so, I wet the bed two times and everybody's up in arms about it, right? But Mike has a wet dream every night and "it's nothing to be ashamed of"? Okay, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
April, is that fair to you? All right, as I was saying, the spirit is watching over us and will seek repentance.
Beware to those who wander, for the ghost is aliiive! - Cool.
- You really gave it.
- Yeah.
- You really drove it home.
Thank you for the speech.
- You're welcome.
- Hey, are these snow globes? - 'Cause there's nothing inside of it.
- No.
No.
No.
No.
Excuse me, they're crystal.
- And they are very expensive, so - That's so great.
- It's actually really slippery.
- Just don't.
I would Honestly, it was, like, much heavier than I thought it was gonna be, and there was no surface on it, so it just slipped right off.
- I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
- We'll go.
- We should leave probably.
- We should go.
We should probably go.
- Thank you.
Nice to meet you.
- Thank you! You should sweep that up 'cause that could get in your paws unless - Please just get out.
- Okay.
Okay.
So, that was pretty cool.
- Yeah, she she - Holy moly, that lady was intense.
She Yeah.
She was a lot to take in is the one thing.
- She doesn't seem okay to me.
- Yeah.
Right.
Something's a little off.
I think she's, like, a hoarder and probably, like, a little bi-polar.
Well, well, well, what do we have here? The dork squad? Nice.
I love that.
- Who's this guy? - April, that's Dennis.
He's from 4B.
He's a bully.
Hey, Dennis, don't mess with us, okay? And if you do, I'll have to tell my mom, who will have to talk with your parents about it, and that's just that's just not fun for anybody, - No fun for anybody, Dennis.
- So I don't think - Take that, dude.
Take that.
- I don't think we want to go down that road, dude.
Can't do it.
Not gonna happen.
My parents died in the fall, so I don't have to answer to anybody! - How do you like that?! - Whoa.
- Holy shit.
- Jesus Christ, your parents died? - I'm so sorry.
- Oh, there's no need to be sorry.
We're in charge now! - Do you want water? - Dennis, take a second and digest this.
- Do you want to sit down, or - I think he's in shock.
Yeah, we should get him a blanket - or something.
- He's fine! Guys, I'm fine! Stop talking! He's processing it the way he needs to right now.
He's gonna kick your ass.
First of all, how old are you, mister? - Me or him? - I think he meant you.
- That's who you meant, right? - Yeah, the tall one - I think Phil was talking about him.
- with the clear mustache.
We're all the same age here pretty much.
I don't think So, when you say pretty much, just like Pretty much.
We're the s I'm a little older than you guys, so what? Yeah, you look older.
- You do look older.
- Yeah.
There's nothing wrong with his age.
There's nothing wrong with the amount of years that he's lived until this point.
Okay.
Exactly.
But, like, how many years? I'm 13.
- How many exactly? - Yeah, how many - How old are you, dude? - I'm nine years old.
Okay, so I'm a little older than you.
How old? - I'm 22.
- You're 22 years old and you hang out with 13 Why do you You're so fixated on my age! I'm just Dennis is kicking your ass, all right? It's insane! - I'm just chilling.
- Seems, like, predatory or something.
- Yeah, there's a hint of that.
- It seems a little All right, enough of this chit-chat! - Let's get 'em, guys! - You got it, dude.
- All right, come on, easy, man.
- Easy.
- Easy, guys.
- Easy.
No! Lay a claw on us, and I'll slice your cheeks.
Look at this.
What are you gonna do, carve us all? No, just you.
In fact, that eye or yours is looking mighty tasty.
You're twisted, lady.
As for you two dorks, your little tomboy can't protect you forever.
You're gonna get yours.
You'll see.
Come on, guys.
Guys! - Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah? Sorry.
- Yeah.
What's up? - The snapping thing.
- You want us to - The shorthand to all rally.
- Right, so we - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We're out of here.
- That's what I'm trying to tell you! - Don't yell at me, dude.
- Please.
- I'm not yelling.
- I'm - I'm 24 years old, okay? - You don't just - I thought you were 22.
- I'am twenty - Never mind! Let's make like a prom dress and take off! Nice! Nice! I love that.
That's why I hang out with them two.
Oh, my God! April, that was the coolest thing I've ever seen, dude! Well, what can I say? I just did what I thought I needed to do.
I just sort of wish you would have let me put him in a headlock and slam him into the wall, which I was fully prepared to do.
- Oh, you were about to do that? - I was about to do that, so Dennis? The bully that's been plaguing you - for the past two years? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Hmm? Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
I'm so hungry, I'm gonna die, and I'm not exaggerating, you guys.
Phil, hanging your arms like that isn't gonna make you less hungry.
Yes, April, but it proves my point.
I'm just gonna stop right here and die.
Ugh, okay.
We should fuel up with some food.
Wait.
What's that smell? Smells like a skunk.
We should be careful.
Yeah, I've actually heard that skunks have poison guns in their butt.
That's some pretty freaky stuff out there.
April, you should carry me.
Ugh, no.
Come on.
We don't have time.
Please? It'll be faster.
He misses his mom.
I'm light as a feather.
- Ugh, fine.
- Yay! - Mike, look! - Heh.
- Very That's very nice.
- She's like a little horse.
I could carry him, but you can, eh, go ahead.
She's got it, Mike.
She's got a strong base.
Kinda smells good.
Now I'm really hungry.
Excuse me, um You know the tree is sideways, right? Oh, look at that.
It is.
Wait a minute, you're singer-songwriter Kurt Vile! In the fur, man.
Oh, my God! We're such huge fans of you, dude.
Cool.
That's awesome.
Hey, I always like visitors.
Come into my abode.
Uh, hey, Mr.
Vile, would you mind, heh, - signing my doodle pad? - Phil! Don't ask him to sign - your doodle - Why? I don't mind.
I do it all the time.
Thanks, man.
Used to it.
Kurt, this is April.
She sort of just, like, tagged along to our group, but, like, she doesn't know who you are, - so, like, don't - Of course I know who he is.
Kurt Vile "Waking on a Pretty Day," "Smoke Ring for my Halo," I'm a huge fan.
You strike me as a leader.
You probably don't know, like, his acoustic stuff.
No, I've got it all, so I I'm sure I do know it.
Is that "Happy Birthday"? - Um - Uh, hey, Mr.
Vile, do you have any, like, food we can get from you or something? Hey, if you little munchie cravers are hungry, I got something that'll knock your dumb little tails off.
Get a load of this cabinet.
- Whoa, dude! - Oh, my God! Yes! You guys don't mind if I play a new tune of mine, do you? And a one, and a two, and a So satisfied.
Dude, nuts are pretty good, huh? I'll tell you what, that was about the best Well, there that goes.
Well, we should probably be on our way, huh? Uh, Kurt, are you coming? Eh, I'm good here.
I got my snacks, my sideways chair, my wee tobacco.
It's pretty dangerous, Kurt.
What if they demolish the tree? You'll just be, like, squished under it.
I'm gonna be real here.
You're sort of harshing my buzz in a not-so-cool way, so I'm gonna need you guys to mosey on out, and can I get some casheesh for the snacks too? - Bye, Kurt.
- Peace, Kurt.
D It's been dope.
I'll see you guys around though! - Do you like 311? Fuck it.
- Come on.
I'm too far away.
Hey, yo, what the fuck are you doing, son? What what it look like I'm doing, dawg? - I'm walking.
- In my corner, bro? Oh, really? This your corner right here? Who who died and made you owner? Nigger, I marked it in piss.
Can't you see it? I shit all over this corner, dawg.
- Ew! You'se a nasty ass! - All over your space! And I ain't wiping it with a newspaper.
Nigger, that's mad disrespectful.
Don't make me slap the drool out your mouth! You got me frothing out the mouth, son! You want some, dawg? - You want some, dawg? - I'm about to go Cujo, son.
- You want some, dawg? - You make a nigger go Cujo.
Your bark ain't bigger than your bite.
I got 101 dalmations backing me, nigger.
- Oh, really? You're all bullshit.
- You know what I'm saying? - You all "Blues Clues" ass nigger.
- I got a Oh, yeah? You'se a "Blues Clues" ass motherfucker.
You'se you'se - you'se about to get - Snoopied though.
Oh, what? What? - What? - I'mma knock you out.
- Nigger, what? Oh, what? - You gonna be laying across that doghouse, nigger.
- Stretched! - Oh, shit! You gonna you gonna do me like that? You gonna be Nigger, you gonna be stretched! I'll slap you with my paw and have you go running like Lassie.
- I'll make you my bitch, Lassie.
- You know Lassie's a bitch.
Any nigger that know Lassie, - he's a bitch nigger.
- Nigger, look at me, look at me.
I've been humped.
- What? Wh what? - I been humped and I like it.
- What? - Shit, Ubu.
Shit.
You giving me orders? You - giving me orders? - Shit, Ubu.
Yeah, you about to roll over and play dead.
That's what you about to Get him! Get him! Heeeeey! Damn! Shut the fuck up! Shit, son! I told you! - We in trouble now.
- Shh! Do you know how long I've been here? 10 days.
Damn, son.
You a lifer.
I've seen too many pups fighting in here over some bullshit.
We need to stick together.
I want you two boys to lick each other and end this right now.
- Hey, fuck you talking about, old man? - Nah, I don't play that shit.
- Ain't nobody licking me - Hey! Hey! What y'all need to do is start using this and quit using these! Now lick each other.
- All right, fine.
- Fine, son.
They're licking each other.
- There you go, boys.
- Yeah, I know! Stop! It tickles! Whoo! My, my, my.
A new day has come.
Now lick his old balls! - Get him, shorty! - Hey, get away from me! I lick my own balls! I don't need anybody to lick my balls.
That's why I put my hand over my neck, grab the ear, and pull my head down, and lick them balls.
You guys, something about the tree doesn't feel right.
I'm gonna be honest, I think that scary hoarder lady may have been onto something.
Wait, you stole the scary lady's tarot card? Yeah, why not? She was nuts.
She doesn't care.
Well, you shouldn't steal stuff.
- I mean, come on.
- Wait, what are you talking about? - I took Kurt Vile's wallet.
- You did what? - Why would take his wallet? - It's a memento! This is a disaster zone, okay? Marshall Mathers Law is in effect.
That's not what it's called.
Lose yourself, motherfucker.
Oh So, that's looking like some water right there.
- Yeah.
- What should we do? That's a big puddle of water.
Oh, wait a minute.
If we all, like, held up against the wall there and went single file, we could probably walk around it and we don't even have to get wet at all.
That's gonna take way too long, okay? I don't want to get my doodle pad wet, Mike.
- I'm working on something here.
- Okay, well, just hold it up.
Look, we need to go straight through the middle.
It's not that deep, yes, we're gonna get a little wet.
He's got a point, Phil.
- It'll just be much faster.
- Thank you, April.
It's the only way we're gonna get to the other side of the tree in time.
Fine, we'll go through the water, Mike.
Okay, it's been decided.
We're walking through the puddle, as the leader of the group has said.
Um, so I'm happy to have seen that bill enacted, so thank you.
Okay.
This is a little gross.
- It's all moldy.
- What? Whoa.
Holy shit.
- Phil.
Psst.
- What? Yo, April just touched my leg.
- Are you serious? - Yes! She's into me, dude.
- Third base! - No, that's not third base.
Third base is when a girl sits on - your face No, it's - Well What? - Then you sit on another boy's face.
- Where are you getting your bases from? The Internet, Mike.
- Wait a minute.
- What? I think April just touched my leg.
- She touched your leg too? - Yeah.
- Mm okay.
- I'm not ready for this type of commitment, dude! Okay, which one of you perverts just touched my leg? Really not cool, guys! - Wait a minute.
- Okay.
If no one touched April's leg, and April probably didn't touch your leg That has not been decided yet and I never said that.
And no one touched my leg - April, did you touch my leg? - No! Then if no one's touching anybody's legs Termites! Go! Go! Get out! Aah! It's on my dick! Aah! It's on my dick! Get it off of me! God.
- Gross.
- That was horrible.
- Good thinking, Mike.
- I didn't know there were gonna be termites in it.
All right, guys, cool it.
Look.
We've got a new problem.
Do we go up or do we go down? I think it's pretty obvious we take the upper route because the free fell down on that side, so we'll be walking on top of all - the rubble and stuff.
- No, but - That kind of does make sense.
- Thank you, April.
Okay, well, April, look how much smaller the upper route is.
The lower one is much more open and it's much more clear-cut.
That's not a bad point either.
I can see where you're coming from.
- Thanks, April.
- Yeah, well, the last time you called the shots, we were all covered in termites.
Look, man, Mom put me in charge.
Yeah, well, Mom's not here, Mike.
And who knows if we'll ever see her again! Then that's even more of a reason to listen to me! Come here.
We're going the lower route.
Get your frickin' paws off me! I don't need neither of you, okay? I can get out of here by myself! Screw this.
- Should we - No, he'll tire himself out.
He needs to learn his lesson.
Come on, April.
April, hold my hand.
April, hold my hand.
Okay.
Here we go.
Totally not nervous.
That's not spooky at all.
This doesn't seem nicely art-directed as a scary place.
I'm not scared at all.
I'm confident.
To be continued!