Avenue 5 (2020) s01e08 Episode Script

Thank you, you may join the line.
So, what non-essential items
will you be getting rid of today?
I've got two pairs of shoes.
Uh-uh. No. You cannot and
you will not lose these.
- Oh, thank you.
- What do you know?
Um, jettison the loafers,
we keep the heels.
- These are my only shoes.
- Honey.
Count yourself lucky.
Karen tried to get rid of me.
I mean, we have
complementary slippers, so
- Thank you, join the line.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
They didn't laugh.
- At what, sweetie?
- My joke.
I was implying I was non-essential,
but they took it seriously.
It was insanely funny. I was
just laughing on the inside.
Hi, sweetie. What have
you got for me today? Oh!
Oh, my. This is a tough
life lesson, right?
Sorry I'm late.
Just been depositing
ten kilos of emotional baggage
with Karen, the Empress of the Jetsam.
If you're late when it comes
to flying this thing for real,
we're all gonna die.
- Okay.
- All right.
So, let's just get you settled, and
'Kay, no, hold on.
Can you Could you just
give me a little bit of space?
Feels like I'm trying to urinate
in front of a war crimes tribunal.
- What an image. Okay.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Guys, just give him some room.
- Okay, so
- Yeah. Can I adjust the seat?
No, the seat is
- That's too high.
- Yeah. So, can
That's probably too low.
Yeah. Um Okay Can you just leave
- leave the fucking seat
- Fucking seat alone. Right.
Yeah, leave that alone.
Okay, let's begin.
- Starting the engine.
- Wait, wait! No!
Because the laterals
are still engaged. So
Stopping the engine
and disengaging the laterals,
whatever they are.
How do I do that?
- Come on. Come on, man.
- No.
- This is physically hurting me.
- Just give him a second, he's working it out.
- This is his process.
- This is This is
Why didn't they just have a
button that says "disengage"
Oh, look, they have look!
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Can I press it?
At this point, I'm beginning to wonder.
Oh, wait. Yay. He can.
Uh, now I start the engine.
Uh, no, because you've
got to clear the filters,
which you do
- before you ignite
- After I ignite the Eng
Is that a good explosion?
Well, we were in it.
Each item, ask yourself,
"Would I exchange that trinket
for a human life?"
Because basically, everything
we own right now, blood diamonds.
Hey, how 'bout this?
It's like an estate sale,
and we're not even dead.
I'm doing my part.
- Hey, Fudd!
- Fuck.
Have a look at these winners.
You know, these are more valuable to me
than my previous and
current wives combined.
- Oh yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm more about
personal responsibility,
which is why I'm donating
a Beatle skull.
Paul. No, wait, George.
Smaller cranium, protruding mandible.
Oh.
Well
Something in the way he moves.
Hmm. What are your plans
for your skull when you die?
I would love to drink out of that.
You threatening my skull?
Is he threatening to drink
out of my skull?
Why would you let him
talk to me like that?
I'll never let it happen again.
You know, I can't wait to see
you led away in shackles,
like the leisure industry
huckster you really are.
Good luck jettisoning those babies.
Okay, so concentrate.
- Right hand, left foot.
- Right hand, left
- Left hand, left foot. Ignite
- foot. Left hand, left
- and throttle up for downward motion.
- Oh, what is this?
- Right hand, right foot.
- Fucking country dancing?
- Okay, come here! Let me
- Just let go, all right?
I can do this. I'm not in a care home.
Okay. I want you to increase the thrust.
Ease up. Ease up.
- Ease up! Ease up!
- Is? Is that?
Hey, little man.
Here's what we're gonna do.
You're gonna thank him for his service,
and then send him to his death.
Yes!
Hey, Matt. You know what?
Screw Harrison.
Anyway, stuff's just stuff.
What's more important is "people."
Sir, you're doing it again.
You're air quoting around "people."
Hmm? Look, hypothetically,
if I were to just disappear,
she wouldn't know
what to do with herself.
She'd be a fucking train wreck.
An absolute mess.
You can still see me, right?
I'm non-hypothetically right here.
So I need you to promise me
to work with her, Matt,
in the event of my departure.
- Oh, I get it. You're diseased.
- No.
Um A shuttle is coming to Avenue 5,
and they only have room for one
passenger to return to Earth.
I'm going. It's, uh the, um
- Ultimate sacrifice.
- Ultimate sacrifice.
I'm leaving so that
everyone else on the ship has a chance.
Are you sure you're
comfortable leaving us
in the incapable hands of a captain
who has a serious addiction problem?
What? Addiction?
- He is slamming sedatives.
- What?
And who knows what else?
Hypnotics, opiates, floaters,
- whompers, daddy dust.
- Oh no.
- Could be.
- No. No!
Not with a J on his uniform,
he's not. Iris!
- I'm right here.
- Oh.
Oh, shitty biscuits!
That's a 100 dead.
500 dead. Seven hund
- Two thousand dead, 25
- Just keep going
- That wasn't right. Oh! Damn it.
- Three thousand! Three thousand, three Th
- Four thousand! Five thousand.
- God, what are those? Are those body parts?
- Um
- Why would you simulate body parts?
And that, Billie, is
how you crash, okay?
So let's try and remember that.
It's right hand, left foot,
left hand, left foot.
Okay? Gorgeous.
She's a little, uh, a little slow.
That's the first time you got it right.
I was just making it up.
So, what do you guys, um
- Yeah, how can we help you?
- What do you guys need?
Uh, we thought that
Tabasco storage was in here.
Well, it's not.
Well, I'm kinda having
a Bloody Mary emergency.
Yeah. You guys know Bloody Mary?
It's an old drink named after this woman
who liked to set Protestants on fire.
It's delish, and we need Tabasco for it.
Huh. I like this.
Shabby chic.
That's funny. It's mean, though.
Yeah, what goes on here?
There's a lot of tech for a locker room.
But it is just that.
It's just a u storage
unit cum clubhouse.
Cum clubhouse?
- We just
- We We We
- hang out.
- Hang out.
- She wants us to leave, Spike.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, they probably got
some freaky roleplay going on.
I will get you that Bloody Mary.
I swear this on the blood of Mary.
Oh, I'm gonna die! Oh, shit!
Oh, hairy balls.
Exiting Earth's atmosphere
in three, two, one
There. Feeling better?
Stopped squeaking?
Good.
Right, I'm just gonna listen
to this true crime podcast
about that Greta Gerwig thing.
Oh yeah, everyone's got
a theory about that.
Yeah.
Mmm So
Do you do these trips often?
Well, I'm a pilot, so
- yeah.
- Yeah.
Fancy a job swap?
You can run Mission Control.
Oh, God no. Jesus Christ.
It's a shit show.
- Not if I see you first.
- Okay, Captain.
Oh, great. Am I about to get whacked?
This is an intervention.
Oh, exciting. Who's getting intervented?
I know about the drugs, Ryan.
- The drugs?
- Don't be a junkie.
Don't destroy that perfect skin.
You think I
The sedatives were for you!
I don't need sedatives.
There is no one on this ship
who needs sedatives more.
You're like a whole zoo escaped.
I was trying to give everyone a break.
- Iris!
- I'm right here.
This is
This is a public area situation.
He tried
to mutiny against me.
She was in on it!
That is so absurd,
I don't even need to deny it.
Oh, Iris, you are presently shitting me.
If it's all the same, Iris,
I'd like to hear you deny it.
- Denied.
- There you go. Perfect. See?
I mean, look at him. Junkie fuck.
He'd slash his nana's throat
for half an Advil.
Okay, well, if we're done here,
I have an appointment on the bridge,
exchanging synthetic
bollocks with the crew.
No! I forbid it! You're fired!
What?
- Sir.
- Got that?
You are stood down from your position
- pending immediate court-martial.
- Am I?
Actually, we don't have the facility
- Do we have a brig?
- You're just upset
- about the way Harrison spoke to you.
- I wanna see you rot
- in space prison.
- Space prison?
Let's climb down from a place of anger.
Oh, I don't get angry.
I have two emotions.
- Yeah?
- Elation and genius.
- You are de-captained.
- What are you doing? No, no, no!
No, no. No, let
- Okay Whoa
- Right, that is it!
I've had enough. All right?
I am not bowing and scraping
to a demented child any longer!
She's not a child. She's a grown woman!
- What?
- I'm talking about you!
Oh, well, fuck you then!
No more tugging my forelock!
In fact, you can fucking have
my forelock.
Oh my god! He's taking his head off!
Oh, what are you doing?
That's disgusting!
Oh my god, he's taking off his head!
- Is he removing a microchip?
- Is he an android?
Is that a hairpiece?
You're British and bald?
Balding! Balding!
His lovely, lovely hair!
Re-hair yourself! Please!
I'll re-captain you!
Actually, that's an order!
- Put that thing back on!
- No. No. You can't give me orders anymore.
- What?
- 'Cause I'm a civilian.
All right, coming through,
coming through!
Chief petty passenger.
I'm one of you now.
Oh, this wall, seems awfully curvy.
Why have they done that?
One star, I think.
Fuck you, Captain Opioid!
I'm gonna take this filthy hair
to clean my shower
and my own balls!
I've got a loofah!
Hey!
I want this ship re-captained.
Nitro level is good.
Looking real good, ladies.
Beautiful orbit. Okay.
Okay, radial axis parameters?
Uh
Modular nomination units
scanning all fields?
Good. It's not what I asked,
but switch it to manual, please.
Oh, shit. Really?
Oh yeah. I can't wait.
I got this.
Yeah.
Now, let's see if these old fingers
can still tickle a big gal.
Well, that's weird. It's not responding.
Oh, none of it responds.
Look, if I just
Just sort of improv it.
Okay, if this is hazing
'cause it's my first day,
I don't appreciate it.
Oh, no, no, it's great. It's just
you know, mime it a bit.
Okay, I'm just gonna go to comms.
Fuck's sake.
Is that junk for my collection?
Oh, well, firstly, this is not junk,
and secondly, it's not
really your collection.
Well, I've been put
in charge of it, so
Well, I don't know who
put you in charge of it,
but this was my idea. I mean,
you should be using this stuff
to build a statue of me.
Wow. Maybe you could donate
your incredibly big head.
Wow. I was only joking.
She's not really getting jokes today.
- Frank.
- Hi, question.
If we really are moving
at thousands of miles an hour,
how come it doesn't feel like it?
I don't have time to explain
all of physics to you.
Okay, you don't have to explain
all of physics to me,
I work in VFX.
It stands for visual effects?
Oh. Well, I would like to see
a visual effect of you
- not talking to me.
- Okay, rude.
Billie is only 30 percent
flesh and blood.
The rest is I don't know. Bone?
And I'm still waiting on your ten kilos.
You want a donation?
I don't want this.
Well. Why don't you take one
of these stupid heavy things
Oh. It's actually quite light.
There are a lot of them,
and they're completely useless,
so there is your donation,
and you're welcome.
- That came off pretty easy.
- Yeah.
- Put it back, Frank.
- Feel like a movie set.
- Yeah.
- You know, I should know.
I I actually
I'm around movie sets a lot.
I work in VFX.
Stands for visual effects.
I mean, things might blow over, though.
You know, while you're up on,
uh, Avenue 5.
Yeah, well, I think it'll take
more than a couple of days to blow over.
Well, you're gonna be
more than a couple of days.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm not staying on Avenue 5.
I'm grabbing Mr. Judd,
and then we are going back.
Yeah we're going back.
Yes, we're going back.
Yeah, but my "we're" or your "we're"?
I feel like we're at crossed "we'res."
We are Look, you, me, and Mr. Judd.
We are all going back to Earth.
Not if Mr. Judd is on
this shuttle, you're not.
Well, can you give me
one good reason why not?
I can give you two. Count the seats.
Hurry up.
- Hesitation gives me headache.
- All right, sorry,
I'm a buffet virgin.
Hey, grandpa, can you hurry up?
- Trying to get to the bacon.
- I'm getting gang buffeted.
What are you doing?
Uh, well, I'm I'm just
You just swipe it like this.
It's really not hard, you know?
- Okay. All right. Sorry.
- Jesus.
Problem paying?
Uh, yes. I don't know why.
It just seems to
It doesn't come up.
Uh Is it Is it okay
- if I take this and just
- Sorry, sir.
I can't allow you to do that.
You're down as a passenger now.
- So just
- I'm What? I'm not
Oh, I see what he's done.
So, what do I do?
I just eat the furniture?
Hey. Everything okay?
He doesn't have any
Judd Bucks in his account.
Matt, tell him, will you?
- I'm gonna take care of this.
- Okay.
Come here.
I'm probably gonna have to
call security on you,
but I promise I'll give you
a big head start.
And don't try to hide in your cabin.
'Cause Judd gave it to Spike.
Right. So that's his game, is it?
Okay, well, I've got another game
that I'm playing. It's called
Yeah, it's okay. Names are hard.
No, I've got it. It's called
It's called "Fuck You
in the Stupid Fucking Face
and I Hope Your Spaceship
Fucking Crashes.
- Fuck You" is what it's called.
- Yeah.
That sounds like a good game.
This has got to be
the greatest yard sale of all time.
Hello. Hello, thank you
for your service. Yes. Yes.
You know, this is how I made
my first ten bucks.
I thought you stole it from your dad.
Yeah. Yeah, I know. I get confused.
That's what happens when
you write three autobiographies.
- Don't worry, I got this.
- Uh-oh.
Oh, Fudd. I know.
What do you know? Your own limitations?
Oh, no. I know about
the shuttle, small balls.
There's no space on that shuttle.
What shuttle? Fuck, shit.
You should have said the second part
and not the first part.
When this is over, you'll be in prison,
doing business via a phone
stored up your own asshole
whilst I'll be running
my new space travel company,
one that gets its passengers home
before their kids die of old age.
- No, you arsehole.
- What?
- You'll be making children
- What are you d?
and yanking on your knickerbocker
- while it makes goof juice.
- That None
- None of that is English.
- You know what I'll be doing?
I'll be back in my home
rebuilding my empire.
With what? Your own dung?
No, not my dung. Idiot.
Ooh, zing.
You let me in on the shuttle, and
I'll drop all my lawsuits against you.
Back off, buddy,
or you will feel my wrath.
And I am fire. Literally fire.
I will burn the jelly in your fat eyes,
and use your tongue
to wipe surfaces with.
I want you both to know
that I am not afraid of women.
I simply now choose to walk away.
- You mincing narcissist.
- Iris.
You've erased me.
What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to eat?
Where am I supposed to sleep?
I'm as mad as a fucking bear.
Call security. There's
a bald hobo threatening me.
- I just did.
- Wow. They shaved Samson.
I have more hair than him.
Oh my god! What has happened to you?
Did security do this to you?
- I quit.
- I fired him.
So, you don't have to teach me
how to bloody fly!
- Why would he quit?
- I fired him.
- Why would you fire him?
- Well, technically, he quit.
- You can't fly?
- You're British?
Boom, and the fourth wall shatters.
What else isn't real?
I mean, he's out of his hair and makeup.
He doesn't have his costume on.
We're in a reality show.
I bet we're not even in space!
Wow, you guys are stupid,
even for rich people.
Hey, hey. Don't talk
to rich people like that.
We could just walk out the airlock, huh?
- Whoa, whoa! No, no, no!
- No, no, no, no!
- Come on! Let's get outta here.
- No, no, no, no, no!
- You can't walk, okay?
- No! No, no, no! No, no.
You can't do that because you'll die.
Okay, you're just saying that
to keep us here
- on your ridiculous space show.
- What?
Oh, great, the captain's here.
I just found out something
freaky about the bridge.
Yes, that it is incredibly
high tech and sophisticated
The crew is being prompted.
Someone is telling them what to say.
What? You mean the crew isn't real?
Well, the captain's not even American.
- He's British.
- Yeah!
Look, we all put on accents
when we're in character.
That's what actors do.
Like this, for example, is me
just being Sarah.
But this is me being "Sarah."
So, you are an actor?
- Wait. You are? She is?
- It sounded the same.
No, no, it's very subtle.
She's doing it with her eyes.
Yeah, I don't want
to give the game away.
Okay, so it is a game. Okay, let's go.
No, no, no, no. Please,
please, don't listen to her.
She doesn't know anything.
She's legally a simpleton.
Billie, distract her.
- Shine a torch at the ceiling or something.
- Why so rude?
Wait a second, so are you an actor?
Well, if you're noticing me acting,
then I would say that actually,
I'm not doing my job properly.
Everything is fake.
Guys, that's why they're making us
throw out all of our belongings, okay?
It's some sort of test or competition.
I think she's one of their stooges.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Would a stooge threaten
to sock you in the T-I-T-S?
We are still on Earth.
These people are so dumb.
I am just hanging out with pigs
and dolphins when we get back.
I get it, I get it.
Everyone, we're still on Earth!
No, everyone Mia, stop!
You are being hysterical.
I'm so confused!
Doug, you can suck on this!
Our son! He's still waiting for us!
- We can go home now!
- We're already home!
We can just walk out of the airlock!
Get out of the way, ya fake fuck!
I'm getting off this ship!
Any of you No!
Com tell me how this works!
Make it work!
Okay, I got it! You go get your boy.
I cannot believe you are making me
save your simple little lives!
There is real space out there,
and it's real cold.
You go out there, you will freeze,
- and you will die.
- No, that is not true!
Are you just gonna stand there?
Do something!
Oh, I see. So, just as these halfwits
are dribbling down
into quarterwits, I'm back.
Oh, that's great. So, I get
my room and I get food?
Wh Why do you have the captain's wig?
'Cause I fancy him a bit.
Oh. Is that Is that
character Sarah or you Sarah?
Honestly, I don't know.
Go! Go save my fucking ship. Please.
I don't know why you think
you're right and I am wrong.
- Because I work in VFX.
- That stands for visual effects.
- Visual effects.
- I know what it fucking stands for!
- Ah!
- What do you mean, "Ah"?
Okay, okay, okay! Listen!
Listen, listen!
I have also been out there,
and let me tell you,
it is real and it is horrible.
- It's real?
- Yes.
Like your hair is real?
Fake captain, fake wig!
Well, you know what?
His beard is a different color
than his hair. Maybe it's a wig!
Ow! Iris! Iris! Iris! My hair hurts!
- Why is she hurting my hair?
- Get your grubby hands
I can't even touch his hair!
They're your people. They're idiots.
Speak idiot to them!
Okay, listen, listen, everybody.
You do not want to go out there.
- Because if you do
- See?!
- Shit!
- Signs fall off the wall.
- It's like a set!
- It's fake!
W Wait. No, no, it's not fake.
It's just cheap. It's cost effective.
We are in a simulation!
Oh, don't be as stupid as your face!
Hey! He can't help his face!
Well, I mean
I believe you!
We're in a simulation.
No. Matt, Matt, this is not the time.
But it is the universe that is
the simulation, not the ship.
Universe?
The smallest subatomic particles
we can see look like pixels.
This is all a game.
But it feels real,
and if you go out there,
you will die within the simulation.
- Okay, that That actually is pretty good.
- Yeah.
And the fact that you left your
son in a coma back on Earth
does not make you a bad person.
But look, I mean, if you wanna go out
you can go out.
The code is five-three-three-five.
You can do it.
- No, no, ah-ah-ah
- I mean, free will, right?
But I think in your heart,
you're 99 percent sure
that that's wrong.
I'm gonna do it.
Something has felt fucked up
on this ship from the start.
Mia! No!
- No, don't, don't, don't!
- Wait, what?
Yeah, I I'm just, I'm just sayin'.
Just don't go!
I will I will donate my golf clubs.
- What?
- Yes.
To jettison, okay?
Can you guys?
There's a sig This
needs to hit Here.
- Uh-oh.
- Sir, you're in the way. Actually,
stay exactly where you are
Jared! Daddy's coming!
No! No!
Mike, no!
No, no, no!
Jared! I'm coming, son!
Mike?
It's VFX, guys.
Visual effects.
It's a projection.
It's not even very good ones.
That guy is gonna be
headed to the green room
- any minute now.
- Yeah, the green room.
What? No, no
What are you talking about?
He's gonna go
to the green room. He's fine.
He's a desiccated man!
We just saw a man become desiccated!
Oh, God.
You saved me, Doug.
I couldn't watch you go in there.
- Thank you.
- I want you here with me.
You can't just save my life.
You gotta make it about you.
- No Oh, for fuck's sake.
- This is classic.
Oh, Fudd. You're playing me. Aren't you?
Absolutely not. I don't know
what the fuck is going on.
I should've known a real trip
to Saturn was beyond you,
- ya small-time huckster.
- What? No.
See you back home,
crying probably, in court.
Harrison, we really are in space.
I think.
You're so cute when you're lying.
- All right. No, no, no, no.
- Oh? Oh?
What's your next move? Huh?
That's a good question.
Thought I might twat you one?
Go ahead.
I like being hit.
- That's
- Billie, twat the gentleman.
- Me? Right. Yes. Listen.
- Will you? Yeah.
- Mr.
- She's got an E! Okay!
Anybody who wants 1000 new bucks,
help me escape!
Use your fucking code!
Five-three-three-five!
No! No
Ooh, I'm scared! I'm so scared!
Joke's on you, Herman, you big assho
If these are effects,
they're pretty darn good.
Okay. Anyone else
- think it's a game show?
- Sarah.
No, no, no, no, no!
- Yeah!
- Take me, Jesus!
Eat my asshole!
Actually, I've changed my
Now, why would they
do that as an effect?
I have no idea that that's
what would even happen.
Well, you laughing gnome.
You still think
it's visual fucking effects?
I Well, the F doesn't
stand for "fucking,"
and I will admit that I'm on the fence.
- Oh, you're on the fence?
- I'm on the fence.
Uh-huh. They're not on the fence.
You put them on the fence,
and they disintegrate.
- Uh
- Holy shit.
Is it my fault?
Well, you know, it's not not your fault.
I was trying to help, and
Your arguments were confusing.
Everything's a simulation?
And and a one percent chance
they could get home?
Where did you get the one percent?
I was trying to be nuanced.
Nuanced? Well, I think
you just nuanced them to death.
Uh, yes. That is exactly
what happened here today.
Uh, Matthew nuanced seven people
to death.
There's plenty of blame to go around.
We are all gonna get a slice.
Oh shit
Message from Earth.
Their son just woke up from his coma.
He wants to know where his parents are.
- Oh, god.
- That's not good.
I'm gonna I'm gonna go.
Matt, can I leave that one with you?
Hello! Hi.
I don't wanna have to
fight you for a place home.
- Rav, Rav, Rav.
- But I
Okay, look, I'm the pilot.
I'm going home, whatever happens.
The passenger is either you or Mr. Judd
or both of you
if one of you has eaten the other.
Okay?
Okay.
I mean, it might not be so bad.
No press. Illuminated turd shows.
Buffets. Cruise life. Cruisin'!
I can do this, right?
- Get me home! Get me home right now!
- Damn it! I can't!
- It's automated!
- Do something!
- Let go of my arm! Let go of my arm!
- I'm afraid! I'm very scared!
I can't Help! Oh shit!
I got a message from Matt.
"I have changed the codes
to the airlock.
No more deaths, no more tragedies."
That's good. That's smart.
How are we supposed to jettison
all this stuff now?
What Matt wrote is dumb.
- We are gonna find him.
- Have you seen the tall weirdo?
We're gonna get the code,
and we're gonna kill him.
If we can't jettison the
stuff in the next hour,
we're in this for the long
three and a half years.
I already lost seven good souls.
- I'm not gonna lose an eighth.
- Eleven.
- What?
- You've lost 11 good souls in total.
That's a lot.
That's a lot.