Axe Cop (2013) s01e08 Episode Script
Super Axe
(Piano music playing) My name is Axe Cop.
I live in a house with two invisible doors, one for my pet dinosaur and one for me.
I only wear underwear that has a picture of me chopping off a bad guy's head.
When I turn, the picture of me moves and chops off his head.
In the morning, I usually find a broken window and I see a bad guy getting away in the distance.
- (Whooshes) - (Grunts) I have a rigorous exercise routine.
(Grunting) I can do an infinite amount of reps of everything.
A billion and six, billion and seven, billion and eight When I arrive at the Axe Cop station the first thing I do is print out a list of bad guys to kill and then I kill them all.
At night, after everyone goes home - Good night, Axe Cop.
- to be with their families, I go on a night mission.
(Zips) - I don't work the day shift or the night shift.
- Ha! I work the always shift.
Ha! Because I'm a hero.
BOY: One day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
AXE COP: I will chop your heads off! - (Tires squeal) - (Machine scrapes) - (Tapping keys) - Axe, it's 8:35.
Yeah, you're usually here by 8:30.
What, are you working banking hours now? Heh heh, nailed it.
No.
I was on a night mission.
So what bad guy did you kill last night? Actually I killed two bad guys.
They were 7th graders.
Unfortunately their mom the evil red-headed woman got away.
Oh yeah? They don't-they don't sound too bad.
What'd they do? They stole the president's good guy machine and turned it into a bad guy machine.
Oh! That actually sounds pretty bad.
Sockarang, lock the bad guy machine in the unbreakable vault.
- (Groans) - (Phone rings) Yellow, Flute Cop here.
Oh, Axe Cop! It's the United States' President and he wants to talk to you.
(Groans) What do you want? - Okay.
- What did the president say? He thanked me for getting his bad guy machine back and is declaring tomorrow National Axe Cop Day.
Does that mean we get tomorrow off? Hey, bros, let's all take a vacation together.
I hate vacations.
Have fun, Axe Cop.
You need a break more than any of us.
- Not gonna happen.
- What if I told you I happen to have this cake coupon right here.
It's good at any beach resort in the whole world.
Yeah, you could think of it as a va-cake-tion.
Hmm.
A cake vacation? Flute Cop, we'll use your miles.
I'll have an apple juice, no ice.
(Shouts) Do you have chocolate milk? Whoop, this is me.
(Screams) AXE COP: Just give me my keys.
I'm sorry, your room won't be ready until 4:00.
What am I supposed to do for two hours? - (Baby crying) - (Hawaiian music playing) - (Beeps) - Front desk.
How can I assist you? I need 30 TV sets and 30 VCRs brought to my room so I can watch movies I made of me fighting.
I like to study all my moves.
I'm also gonna need a birthday cake.
- I have a coupon.
- (Receiver clicks) Mm mm.
Mmm? (Growls) You have got to be kidding me! Gah! Who makes these machines, bad guys? - Axe Cop, is that you? - Super Axe? Man! I haven't seen you since fighting college.
If I'm not mistaken, that was exactly 10 years ago.
Don't you know it.
But nothing has changed.
I'm exactly the same.
Oh, we used to tear it up back then.
All-night battles, chop-a-thons.
- Remember the punching finals? - How can I forget? (Unison) "A kick is a punch from a foot!" (Both laugh) Man! So what brings you to Hawaii? My team and I are on va-cake-tion.
- That sounds fun.
- What about you? I'm here celebrating my anniversary.
You've chopped - Congratulations! - Oh no no no no.
I haven't chopped a head in ages.
- It's my wedding anniversary.
- Ha! You always were super funny, Super Axe.
I'm serious.
But, you should be out killing bad guys.
- You're a hero.
- Not anymore I'm not.
Now I'm a husband.
(Tings) Ooh! Speaking of which, the wife and I have this couples spa treatment right about now, so I gotta run.
See ya later! I remember that.
(Laughs) That's a good move.
(Static buzzes) - What the heck? - Hello, Axe Cop! - Remember me? - Of course I do.
You're the evil red-headed woman.
I killed your children because they were evil.
Are you enjoying your vacation? - Now I'm not.
- Oh that's a shame, because I am.
I spent Bational Axe Cop Day stealing back my bad guy machine! But it was locked in my unbreakable vault! A mother with a broken heart can break any unbreakable vault.
And now that I have my bad guy machine, I'm gonna go back in time and I'm going to turn everyone evil.
And that includes you! (Evil laughter) (Sobs) I miss my sons.
AXE COP: We need to go on an important mission! Axe Cop! I knew you wanted to come down to the beach! Hey, have you ever had coconut water? It's the water inside a coconut and you drink it! That's too much potassium.
- Now let's go! - Hey, c'mon, Axe Cop.
I though we were on va-cake-tion.
Fine.
You guys stay here.
I know a real hero that can help save the world.
Super Axe! Oh hey, Axe Cop! Tracy, this is my old college buddy I was telling you about.
Hey, Axe Cop! I've heard so much about you.
Pull up a chair and join us.
No time.
Super axe and I are going back in time to the year 0000 to stop the red-headed woman from turning everyone evil.
Sorry, Axe Cop, but we do not want to miss the luau tonight.
Whoa, buddy! What are you doing? There's kids around.
Don't worry.
It's a time-portal gun.
(Screams) Oh, I forgot to put on sunblock.
Grey Diamond, am I red? Oh, you're getting cooked.
This is weird, the beginning of time should be teeming - with talking good animals.
- Weird? What's weird is you can't take a hint, Axe Cop.
I'm not a hero anymore.
Of course you are.
Don't you remember what Professor Teevil taught us? Once a hero, always a hero.
But I traded my axe for a wedding ring! Don't you remember what else he taught us? Always carry a spare axe.
Ugh, fine.
Psst, Axe Cop.
Over here! - Talking frog? - (Ribbits) Where are all your good brothers and sisters? The red-headed woman captured them.
She turned them all evil! I alone have escaped to tell you.
- Where is she now? - She's up there, at the center of all time.
I'll take you.
All right, let's go.
Boy, I'm glad you guys got here when you did.
The only reason I survived this long is because I buried myself in the dead carcass of my brother.
But now that you're here, - I know I'm safe - (Screeching) Oh no, an evil Griffin! FROG: Axe Cop! Once I put this good frog through the bad guy machine, everyone throughout time will be turned evil forever! Stop right there, evil red-headed woman! You're too late, Axe Cop.
(Laughs) Help me, Axe Cop! Everyone throughout time is now evil.
Who wants to fight? - I do! - No! - We do.
- Evil animals attack! (Grunting) (Roaring) (Bleats) Ha! (Low growling) What are we gonna do, Axe Cop? We can't stop her.
- She's riding a gorilla riding a lion.
(Whip cracks) (Roars) - Remember our senior thesis - from fighting college? - (Evil laughter) You mean when you put two axes together it forms a super blue diamond axe? But that was just a theory! Now! (Screams) Bye-bye, red-headed woman.
Don't you mean dead-headed woman? (Laughs) Man! - I knew you still had it in you.
- This was actually pretty fun.
I can't wait to tell Tracy that her husband still has a little hero left in him.
- You can't tell Tracy.
- What do you mean, Axe Cop? We've killed everyone at the beginning of time.
Tracy doesn't exist anymore.
What?! Oh no.
- This is terrible.
- I know, but don't worry, we can find more bad guys to kill on other planets.
Have you ever killed an alien? It's different, but still fun.
I can't believe it.
(Sobbing) (Groans) I thought you were a hero, Super Axe.
Super Axe, what's going on? - Tracy! - Axe Cop showed up right before the pork was coming out and transported me here? He said something about me and you living at the center of time and rebuilding the world.
God, you were right, he is crazy.
He's not crazy.
He's a hero.
AXE COP: Some people have other things to do.
- Not me.
- Hey, honey, I'm home.
Some people have families.
- Not me.
- (Anita laughs) - Yah! - Some people even have friends.
- Take that! - Yeah! - Not me.
- Boom.
- Hyah! - My name is Axe Cop.
I don't work the day shift or the night shift.
I work the always shift.
- Hah! - Because I'm a hero.
And everyone else isn't.
I live in a house with two invisible doors, one for my pet dinosaur and one for me.
I only wear underwear that has a picture of me chopping off a bad guy's head.
When I turn, the picture of me moves and chops off his head.
In the morning, I usually find a broken window and I see a bad guy getting away in the distance.
- (Whooshes) - (Grunts) I have a rigorous exercise routine.
(Grunting) I can do an infinite amount of reps of everything.
A billion and six, billion and seven, billion and eight When I arrive at the Axe Cop station the first thing I do is print out a list of bad guys to kill and then I kill them all.
At night, after everyone goes home - Good night, Axe Cop.
- to be with their families, I go on a night mission.
(Zips) - I don't work the day shift or the night shift.
- Ha! I work the always shift.
Ha! Because I'm a hero.
BOY: One day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
AXE COP: I will chop your heads off! - (Tires squeal) - (Machine scrapes) - (Tapping keys) - Axe, it's 8:35.
Yeah, you're usually here by 8:30.
What, are you working banking hours now? Heh heh, nailed it.
No.
I was on a night mission.
So what bad guy did you kill last night? Actually I killed two bad guys.
They were 7th graders.
Unfortunately their mom the evil red-headed woman got away.
Oh yeah? They don't-they don't sound too bad.
What'd they do? They stole the president's good guy machine and turned it into a bad guy machine.
Oh! That actually sounds pretty bad.
Sockarang, lock the bad guy machine in the unbreakable vault.
- (Groans) - (Phone rings) Yellow, Flute Cop here.
Oh, Axe Cop! It's the United States' President and he wants to talk to you.
(Groans) What do you want? - Okay.
- What did the president say? He thanked me for getting his bad guy machine back and is declaring tomorrow National Axe Cop Day.
Does that mean we get tomorrow off? Hey, bros, let's all take a vacation together.
I hate vacations.
Have fun, Axe Cop.
You need a break more than any of us.
- Not gonna happen.
- What if I told you I happen to have this cake coupon right here.
It's good at any beach resort in the whole world.
Yeah, you could think of it as a va-cake-tion.
Hmm.
A cake vacation? Flute Cop, we'll use your miles.
I'll have an apple juice, no ice.
(Shouts) Do you have chocolate milk? Whoop, this is me.
(Screams) AXE COP: Just give me my keys.
I'm sorry, your room won't be ready until 4:00.
What am I supposed to do for two hours? - (Baby crying) - (Hawaiian music playing) - (Beeps) - Front desk.
How can I assist you? I need 30 TV sets and 30 VCRs brought to my room so I can watch movies I made of me fighting.
I like to study all my moves.
I'm also gonna need a birthday cake.
- I have a coupon.
- (Receiver clicks) Mm mm.
Mmm? (Growls) You have got to be kidding me! Gah! Who makes these machines, bad guys? - Axe Cop, is that you? - Super Axe? Man! I haven't seen you since fighting college.
If I'm not mistaken, that was exactly 10 years ago.
Don't you know it.
But nothing has changed.
I'm exactly the same.
Oh, we used to tear it up back then.
All-night battles, chop-a-thons.
- Remember the punching finals? - How can I forget? (Unison) "A kick is a punch from a foot!" (Both laugh) Man! So what brings you to Hawaii? My team and I are on va-cake-tion.
- That sounds fun.
- What about you? I'm here celebrating my anniversary.
You've chopped - Congratulations! - Oh no no no no.
I haven't chopped a head in ages.
- It's my wedding anniversary.
- Ha! You always were super funny, Super Axe.
I'm serious.
But, you should be out killing bad guys.
- You're a hero.
- Not anymore I'm not.
Now I'm a husband.
(Tings) Ooh! Speaking of which, the wife and I have this couples spa treatment right about now, so I gotta run.
See ya later! I remember that.
(Laughs) That's a good move.
(Static buzzes) - What the heck? - Hello, Axe Cop! - Remember me? - Of course I do.
You're the evil red-headed woman.
I killed your children because they were evil.
Are you enjoying your vacation? - Now I'm not.
- Oh that's a shame, because I am.
I spent Bational Axe Cop Day stealing back my bad guy machine! But it was locked in my unbreakable vault! A mother with a broken heart can break any unbreakable vault.
And now that I have my bad guy machine, I'm gonna go back in time and I'm going to turn everyone evil.
And that includes you! (Evil laughter) (Sobs) I miss my sons.
AXE COP: We need to go on an important mission! Axe Cop! I knew you wanted to come down to the beach! Hey, have you ever had coconut water? It's the water inside a coconut and you drink it! That's too much potassium.
- Now let's go! - Hey, c'mon, Axe Cop.
I though we were on va-cake-tion.
Fine.
You guys stay here.
I know a real hero that can help save the world.
Super Axe! Oh hey, Axe Cop! Tracy, this is my old college buddy I was telling you about.
Hey, Axe Cop! I've heard so much about you.
Pull up a chair and join us.
No time.
Super axe and I are going back in time to the year 0000 to stop the red-headed woman from turning everyone evil.
Sorry, Axe Cop, but we do not want to miss the luau tonight.
Whoa, buddy! What are you doing? There's kids around.
Don't worry.
It's a time-portal gun.
(Screams) Oh, I forgot to put on sunblock.
Grey Diamond, am I red? Oh, you're getting cooked.
This is weird, the beginning of time should be teeming - with talking good animals.
- Weird? What's weird is you can't take a hint, Axe Cop.
I'm not a hero anymore.
Of course you are.
Don't you remember what Professor Teevil taught us? Once a hero, always a hero.
But I traded my axe for a wedding ring! Don't you remember what else he taught us? Always carry a spare axe.
Ugh, fine.
Psst, Axe Cop.
Over here! - Talking frog? - (Ribbits) Where are all your good brothers and sisters? The red-headed woman captured them.
She turned them all evil! I alone have escaped to tell you.
- Where is she now? - She's up there, at the center of all time.
I'll take you.
All right, let's go.
Boy, I'm glad you guys got here when you did.
The only reason I survived this long is because I buried myself in the dead carcass of my brother.
But now that you're here, - I know I'm safe - (Screeching) Oh no, an evil Griffin! FROG: Axe Cop! Once I put this good frog through the bad guy machine, everyone throughout time will be turned evil forever! Stop right there, evil red-headed woman! You're too late, Axe Cop.
(Laughs) Help me, Axe Cop! Everyone throughout time is now evil.
Who wants to fight? - I do! - No! - We do.
- Evil animals attack! (Grunting) (Roaring) (Bleats) Ha! (Low growling) What are we gonna do, Axe Cop? We can't stop her.
- She's riding a gorilla riding a lion.
(Whip cracks) (Roars) - Remember our senior thesis - from fighting college? - (Evil laughter) You mean when you put two axes together it forms a super blue diamond axe? But that was just a theory! Now! (Screams) Bye-bye, red-headed woman.
Don't you mean dead-headed woman? (Laughs) Man! - I knew you still had it in you.
- This was actually pretty fun.
I can't wait to tell Tracy that her husband still has a little hero left in him.
- You can't tell Tracy.
- What do you mean, Axe Cop? We've killed everyone at the beginning of time.
Tracy doesn't exist anymore.
What?! Oh no.
- This is terrible.
- I know, but don't worry, we can find more bad guys to kill on other planets.
Have you ever killed an alien? It's different, but still fun.
I can't believe it.
(Sobbing) (Groans) I thought you were a hero, Super Axe.
Super Axe, what's going on? - Tracy! - Axe Cop showed up right before the pork was coming out and transported me here? He said something about me and you living at the center of time and rebuilding the world.
God, you were right, he is crazy.
He's not crazy.
He's a hero.
AXE COP: Some people have other things to do.
- Not me.
- Hey, honey, I'm home.
Some people have families.
- Not me.
- (Anita laughs) - Yah! - Some people even have friends.
- Take that! - Yeah! - Not me.
- Boom.
- Hyah! - My name is Axe Cop.
I don't work the day shift or the night shift.
I work the always shift.
- Hah! - Because I'm a hero.
And everyone else isn't.