Big Day s01e08 Episode Script

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, SKOBO.
I ASKED YOU TO KEEP SOMETHING IN YOUR POCKET.
THE CATERER IS AN INDEPENDEN CONTRACTOR, RIGHT? OH, YES.
OH, GOOD.
THEN YOU'RE FIRED.
HOW ABOUT YOU ALL COME TO THE WEDDING? EVERYBODY'S INVITED.
NOW I HAVE TO KILL HIM.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE ELSE.
LORNA! Big Day 108 OKAY, OKAY.
HOW ABOUT THIS? FIRST I TELL MOM HOW MUCH MONEY THE CUTE DOCTOR I INVITED MAKES.
SHE'LL BE SO HAPPY FOR ME THA THE OTHER 40 GUESTS YOU GUYS INVITED WON'T FAZE HER AT ALL.
I KNOW IT WON'T WORK.
I JUS LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY DOCTOR.
NO.
NO ONE'S GOING TO TELL HER.
HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.
YOU THERE.
YEAH.
WHATEVER U- YOU-YOU FOOD PEOPLE ARE DOING HERE, DO IT FOR 40 MORE.
CUT THE STEAKS IN HALF.
MASH THESE BAKED POTATOES, SPREAD 'EM THIN AND WIDE.
PILE ON SOME OF THESE- THESE CARROT SPRIGS- WHATEVER IT TAKES TO COVER THE PLATE.
JUST DO IT ON THE Q.
T.
$100? THANKS.
SHOULD I TELL THE CATERE OR DO YOU WANT TO DO IT? STEVE, AS IF BECCA'S EXTRA DOCTOR GUEST WASN'T ENOUGH, THE NEIGHBORS ARE NOW ERECTING A GIANT DRAGON WHICH IS LOOMING OVER OUR WEDDING.
YO, IT'S GOT A SLIDE, TOO.
MAN, THAT'S SWEET.
IT'S GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING.
RIGHT, BUT ANOTHER DAY WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? I MEAN, WE TOLD TH ABOUT THE WEDDING.
I EVEN SENT THEM A LOVELY CERTIFIED LETTER WHICH INCLUDED A LIST OF CHARMING HOTELS THEY COULD STAY IN FOR THE WEEKEND.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO GO TALK TO THEM MYSELF.
THEY WON'T LISTEN.
THEY HATE YOU.
OH, THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
WHY WOULD THEY HATE ME? WHY? UH, LET'S REVIEW.
YOU TOOK DOWN THEIR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS LAST YEAR.
PLEASE, IT WAS JANUARY.
YOU CALLED THE COPS ON THEM WHEN THEIR BABY WAS CRYING AND SAID THAT THEY HAD A GUN.
THE POLICE NER COME UNLESS YOU SAY SOMEONE HAS A GUN.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I TAKE IT BACK.
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY THE AMBASSADOR OF GOODWILL WE NEED TO HANDLE THIS DELICATE SITUATION.
AND JUST WHAT? I THINYOU KNOW.
OH, HERE WE GO.
IS THIS ABOU ME BEING OVERBEARING? BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN HEARING THA TIRED, OLD BROMIDE ALL MY LIFE.
WHY DON'T I GO? THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.
WELL, THAT'S PROBABLY WHY HE SHOULD GO.
YEAH.
EVERYBODY LOVES DANNY.
WAS IT 14 OR 40 EXTRA GUESTS? WHAT?! WHAT PART OF Q.
T.
DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND? ANY OF IT.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.
EXTRA GUESTS, STEVE? I'M DATING A DOCTOR.
GOOD.
WE'RE GONNA GO TALK TO THE NEIGHBORS.
OKAY.
HOW DO YOU WAN TO PLAY THIS? GOOD COP/BAD COP? TWO MORMONS ON A MISSION? HOMELAND SECURITY? BECAUSE WITH THAT BIT, WE DON'T NEED A WARRANT.
NO, THANKS, SKOBO.
IS THIS STILL ABOUT ME LOSING THE RINGS? BECAUSE I HAVE L THAT GO.
YOU KNOW WHAT? PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING THAT YOU'RE SELFISH AND THAT YOU'RE INCONSIDERATE, AND I'M ALWAYS DEFENDING YOU.
BUT TODAY I'M A LITTLE SICK OF IT.
OH, YOU'RE GONNA GO WITH MAVERICK LONER OUT FOR JUSTICE.
THAT'S CLASSIC, BABY.
HEY, I'M DANNY, AND I KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS- MICHELANGELO'S DAVID.
YOU JUST SAVED ME A TRIP TO ITALY.
IF YOU'RE THE CLOWN WE HIRED, I'M GONNA NEED LESS JOKES AND MORE BALLOON ANIMALS.
OH, NO, NO.
I'M THE GROOM? AND? I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOUR GIANT, FUN DRAGON PEEKING OUT AT US, YOU KNOW, RIGHT WHEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR ACTUAL CEREMONY.
UH, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I LOVE DRAGONS- PUFF BEING MY FAVORITE.
I'M NOT MOVING IT.
THOSE PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLE.
THE WIFE SENT ME A LETTER TELLING ME NOT TO FLUSH THE TOILETS ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY HOUSE.
LOOK, I'M SORRY YOU'VE HAD PROBLEMS WITH THE HOPKINS BEFORE, BUT I'M JUS GONNA BE HERE ONE DAY, JUST TO MARRY THEIR DAUGHTER.
SO IF YOU COULD FIND IT IN YOUR HEART- LISTEN, YOU SEEM LIKE A DECEN BUT TODAY'S MY SON'S BIRTHDAY, AND I PROMISED HIM A DRAGON BOUNCY, PAINTBALL, A CLOWN AND A "DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION" MACHINE, SO OH, YEAH.
GOOD TIMES.
YEAH, I LOVE KIDS.
I RUN A CAMP, ACTUALLY.
CAMP KAPPAWANI.
IN FACT, IF WE COULD WORK THIS OUT, MAYBE I COULD ARRANGE FOR YOUR SON TO GO FOR FREE.
IS IT EXPENSIVE? RIDICULOUSLY.
AND I'D MAKE SURE HE GO ONE OF THE CLEAN MTRESSES.
INTERESTING.
ISN'T IT? DIE! DIE! DIE! WHAT THE HELL? GENTLEMEN.
WELL, DRAGON IS DOWN.
THEY JUS PULLED THE LAST KID OUT.
COOKIE? YOU KNOW, IF I KNEW THAT SKOBO WAS JUST GONNA TAKE A KNIFE TO THTHING, I WOULD'VE HAD HIM CUT DOWN THEIR HORRIBLE WIND CHIMES.
NOW ALL I HAVE IS 40 MORE PROBLEMS TO SOLVE WITH ALL THOSE EXTRA GUESTS YOU INVITED.
COME ON.
WE CAN HANDLE IT.
OH, CAN "WE"? BECAUSE WE NEED 40 LINENS, 40 SHRIMP FORKS, 40 WINEGLASSES AND 40 PERSONALIZED MESSAGES FROM THE BRIDE TUCKED INTO 40 FORTUNE COOKIES.
CAN YOU MAKE FORTUNE COOKIES, STEVE? OKAY.
HERE'S A THOUGHT.
OUR WEDDING PLANNER.
APOLOGIZE TO LORNA.
GET HER COME BACK.
APOLOGIZE.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR? WELL, FACE IT, HONEY.
YOU'RE A LITTLE WHAT? NOW YOU, TOO? I'M OVERBEARING? IS THAT WHA YOU WERE GONNA SAY, STEVE? IS IT? WELL, IS IT? NO NEED TO THANK ME.
HEY,IT'S WHAT I DO, BABY, OKAY? IT'S CALLED TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS.
I LEARNED I FROM MY FATHER, YOU KNOW? HE ALWAYS USED TO SAY, "SHUT UP, YOU KIDS, OR I'LL SLIT YOUR THROATS!" I LOVE THAT MAN.
I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF IT.
I WAS DOING GREAT WITH THE GUY.
I WAS THIS CLOSE.
HEY, ALL I KNOW IS THA YOU HAD A DRAGON PROBLEM, AND NOW YOU DON'T HAVE A DRAGON PROBLEM.
SO IT'S DOWN.
YES, MILADY.
I SLEW YOUR DRAGON.
YEAH, AND NOW THE NEIGHBOR'S MAD AS HELL.
YOU KNOW, WE HAD A SMALL PROBLEM WITH THIS GUY THAT I W WORKING OUT.
BUT YOU DIDN'T WORK IT OUT.
I WORKED IT OUT.
LOOK, DAN-O, HE GO THE MESSAGE, OKAY? IT'S OVER.
AAH! AAH! IT'S THOSE KIDS! RUN! RUN! DAMN IT, SKOBO! OH, I SUPPOSE THIS IS SOMEHOW MY FAULT.
THIS IS WHERE HER ASSISTANT WORKS.
NOW IF ANYONE KNOWS WHERE LORNA IS, IT'S FRANCIS.
DAMN IT, JEFF THE CONQUEROR.
IF WE DOUSE THE GOBLIN'S FIRE NOW, WE'LL NEVER GE THE MAGIC SCEPTER.
WHAT DO THEY TEACH YOU IN THE SIXTH GRADE THESE DAYS? EXCUSE ME.
UH, ARE YOU FRANCIS? HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE? UH, THE STEPS.
OH, OD.
BECAUSE I FIXED THEM, AND I WASN'T SURE.
I'M JANE HOPKINS- OH, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE PAYING ME A LITTLE VISIT.
HELLO, STEVE.
HELLO FRANCIS.
CHEESE? OH, HOW VERY NICE.
UH, STEVE, TAKE ONE.
JUST TAKE ONE.
UH, FRANCIS, WE WERE WONDERING IF MAYBE- BRAT? UH, THANKS.
I'M-I'M GOOD WITH THE CHEESE STICK.
FINE.
OW.
SO YOU'VE COME ABOUT LORNA.
YES, UH DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE MIGHT FIND HER? OH, I KNOW A LOT OF THINGS, LIKE THE BEST WAY TO CLEAN FURNITURE IS WITH PANTY HOSE.
YOU KNOW, FRANCIS, WE'RE IN A BIT OF A HURRY HERE.
HERE'S WHERE YOU'LL FIND HER.
NOT SO FAST, DOCTOR.
QUID PRO QUO.
THERE'S SOMETHING ON MY BACK.
IT'S EITHER A MOLE, A SKIN TAG OR A TICK.
GOT ME RIGHT HERE.
YEAH.
OKAY, PLEASE BE CAREFUL OF THE WALLS AND DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING WITH A MONOGRAM ON IT, OR MY MOTHER WILL KILL ME.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S KEEP IT MOVING, PEOPLE.
SERPENTINE! SERPENTINE! WELL, CARL, YOU MADE IT.
DON'T ASK ME TO DO IT AGAIN.
IT'S A KILLING FIELD OUT THERE.
YEAH, I'M REALLY STARTING TO HATE KIDS.
AAH! MR.
GIGGLES HERE.
I HEARD SOMEONE HAS A BIRTHDAY.
I THINK YOU WANNA BE NEXT DOOR.
OH, I'M SORRY.
HEY, LISTEN, COULD I USE YOUR BATHROOM REAL QUICK? UH, THE KIDS ARE GONNA BE ALL OVER ME THE MINUTE I STEP THE DOOR.
I WON'T GET THE CHANCE.
SURE.
UPSTAIRS IS OPEN.
WHO IS THAT? OH, THAT'S THE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR'S PARTY CLOWN.
HE WANTED TO USE THE BATHROOM.
THE NEIGHBOR'S BIRTHDAY CLOWN? HMM.
ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING? THATHERE'S 15 MORE OUTSIDE GETTING OUT OF A SMALL CAR? NO, LOOK, THE NEIGHBOR PROMISED HIS KID THAT CLOWN, AND WE'VE GOT HIM, AND WE DON'T LET HIM GO UNTIL WE NEGOTIATE A CEASE-FIRE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I WANT A BEAUTIFUL AND PEACEFUL WEDDING.
YOU WANT TO KIDNAP A BIRTHDAY CLOWN? WELL, WHAT CHOICE DOE HAVE? I THINK A LOT.
COME ON.
WE'RE NO GONNA KILL HIM, ALICE, BUT WE CAN' LET HIM KNOW THAT.
THANK YOU.
DON'T WORRY.
I, UH, WASHED UP BEFORE I TWISTED IT.
WAIT.
YEAH? I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY, AND NOW WE'RE IN THIS WAR WITH OUR NEIGHBORS, AND IT'S RUINING EVERYTHING.
I'VE BEEN DREAMING AND PLANNING FOR THIS DAY MY ENTIRE LIFE.
IS THERE ANY WAY THAT YOU COULD TALK TO THEM? TELL THEM THAT WE'LL GET THEM A NEW BOUNCY THING AND THAT WE ARE SO, SO SORRY, AND THEN MAYBE YOU COULD, YOU KNOW, JUST DO THAT THING WHERE YOU STICK OU YOUR LOWER LIP AND RUB YOUR EYES LIKE YOU'RE CRYING.
I- I THINK THAT MIGH REALLY SELL IT.
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S, UH- PLEASE,.
GIGGLES.
YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE.
WELL, YOU HELPED ME OUT.
I GUESS I COULD GIVE IT A SHOT.
OH! THANK YOU! SORRY.
GOOD NEWS.
I CONVINCED MR.
GIGGLES TO GO APOLOGIZE TO OUR NEIGHBORS.
FIRST RULE OF KIDNAPPING- DON'T LET THE HOSTAGE GO! STEVE, SHE HAS A GUN.
I JUST HAVE TO SAY THIS.
THE SMELL OF GUNPOWDER MAKES ME WANT YOU.
OH.
HELLO.
I DIDN'T SEE YOU STANDING THERE.
I JUST COME HERE TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM.
I USED TO SPIN, BUT I FIND THAT THIS IS A LITTLE MORE THERAPEUTIC.
GO AHEAD.
TELL HER.
I'M GONNA GRAB SOME NACHOS AND WATCH THAT GAL WITH THE MOHAWK AND THE UZI.
COULD WE TALK? GRAB A GUN.
LISTEN, UH, I KNOW WE HAVE A HISTORY, BUT I'M DATING A REALLY CUTE DOCTOR NOW, SO.
.
I HOPE THINGS AREN' GONNA BE WEIRD BETWEEN US.
UH, NO, UH, ACTUALLY, I AM GLAD YOU FOUND SOMEONE.
YOU DESERVE IT.
OKAY, THAT WAS KIND OF SWEET.
ARE YOU OKAY? NOT REALLY.
I, UH, I LOST THE WEDDING RINGS, I LOST MY SIGHT, AND, UH, I USED TO THINK THA I JUST TREATED WOMEN LIKE CRAP, BUT, APPARENTLY, I TREA MY BEST FRIEND LE CRAP, TOO, SO ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME INTO BED AGAIN? YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME.
I KNOW THA PEOPLE CONSIDER ME- OVERBEARING? THE TRUTH IS I JUST CARE TOO MUCH.
YOU KNOW, I JUST WAN GOOD THINGS FOR MY FAMILY.
I MEAN, I KNOW I DON'T ALWAYS GO ABOUT IT THE RIGHT WAY BUT I MEAN, I JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY AND TO LOVE ME.
I MEAN, IS THAT SO TERRIBLE? WOW.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
THIS REALLY DOES HELP.
ALL RIGHT, LORNA.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS I'M SORRY BUT I CAN'T APOLOGIZE.
IT ISN'T MY FAUL THAT I HAPPEN TO BE A FORCEFUL WOMAN WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS.
AS AM I.
YEAH, AND-AND SOME OVERLY SENSITIVE PEOPLE MISTAKENLY CONSIDER ME OVERBEARING.
WELL, WE'RE SIMILAR IN THAT WAY.
MAYBE THAT'S WHY WE BUTT HEADS.
HUH.
I-I HADN'T THOUGH ABOUT IT THAT WAY.
WELL, MAYBE WE ARE TWO PEAS IN A POD.
IT'S VERY ASTUTE OF YOU, LORNA.
THANK YOU, JANE.
I WANT YOU TO COME BACK.
PLEASE.
I SEE.
OKAY.
HERE'S WHAT I WANT.
I WANT THE MONEY YOU DOCKED ME, I WAN INDOOR BATHROOM PRIVILEGES AND I WANT A CENTERPIECE- MY CHOICE.
FINE.
AND FROM NOW ON, I WANT YOU TO SPEAK TO ME WITH RESPECT.
YOU KNOW I CAN'T PROMISE YOU THAT.
THEN TWO CENTERPIECES AND A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.
NO.
DEAL.
IT'S BN QUIE FOR A WHILE.
THINK MR.
GIGGLES CONVINCED OUR NEIGHBOR TO LEAVE US ALONE? CARL.
HEY, UH, WOULD YOU MIND, UH, RUNNING OUTSIDE AND BRINGING ME THAT ASHTRAY? OUTSIDE? YOU DON'T REALLY WANT IT, DO YOU? NO.
I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY.
ALL CLEAR.
THAN, CARL.
OH.
LOOKS LIKE YOUR CLOWN CAME THROUGH.
HELLO? LOOK OU YOUR FRONT DOOR.
WHAT? THAT WAS THE NEIGHBOR.
HE SAID TO LOOK OUT THE FRONT DOOR.
OH, MY GOD! IS THAT YOUR WEDDING DRESS? BUT HOW DID THEY GET I OUT OF MY CLOSET? THE CLOWN MUST HAVE STOLEN IT.
THE CLOWN WE DIDN'T KIDNAP? YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO EXCEPT CALL THE POLICE.
YEAH, THE COPS WILL LOVE HEARING HOW WE STARTED I BY DESTROYING A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY BOUNCY.
OH.
YEAH.
MAYBE THE DOCTOR I'M DATING WILL HAVE AN IDEA WHEN HE GETS HERE.
BECCA, CAN YOU FOCUS? WE ALL KNOW YOU HAVE A DATE WITH A DOCTOR.
WE'RE NOT CALLING ANYONE.
HE CROSSED THE LIN WE'RE GETTING MY DRESS BACK.
HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THAT? WE'RE GONNA PLAY THIS JUST LIKE CAPTURE THE FLAG AT CAMP.
THAT NEIGHBOR PICKED THE WRONG BRIDE TO MESS WITH.
THAT WAS SCARY ALICE.
I REMEMBER SCARY ALICE.
I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE I TOLD HER PROM DATE SHE HAD HERPES.
I THINK CAPTURE THE FLAG IS A GREAT IDEA.
NOW I AM THE FASTES AND THE MOST CAT-LIKE AND FEARLESS, SO OBVIOUSLY, I WILL GRAB THE FLAG.
I DON'T THINK SO.
RIGHT.
I'M AN EVEN BETTER LIAR, SO I WILL BE THE DECOY.
YOU CAN STAY HERE AND GUARD OUR FLAG.
THAT'S WHAT WE ALWAYS TOLD THE DORK WITH THE HEADGEAR AND THE ASTHMA TO MAKE HIM THINK HE WAS INCLUDED.
I DON'T NEED ANY MORE HELP FROM YOU, SKOBO.
COME ON, DAN-O.
WHERE IS THIS FLAG I'M SUPPOSED TO GUARD? HERE.
MY OLD PRESCRIPTION SWIM GOGGLES.
BEFORE I GOT LASERED, MY EYES WERE PRETTY BAD.
THEY- THEY MIGHT BE CLOSE.
WOW.
I DIDN' EXPECT THIS FROM YOU.
WELL, I GUESS I'VE MATURED SINCE I STARTED DATING THAT EVEN I'M GETTING TIRED OF SAYING THAT.
NO, NO, I'M NOT.
MY DOCTOR.
I HAVE A DOCTOR.
IT'SOT MY FAUL THAT MY PARENTS ARE JERKS, OKAY? I HAVE ALWAYS TAKEN YOUR SIDE.
PLEASE, GIVE ME BACK MY DRESS, SO I CAN GET MARED AND GE AWAY FROM THESE AWFUL PEOPLE.
DON'T I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY? HEY! CRAP! RUN, DANNY, RUN! GET THE DRESS.
GET THE DRESS.
OUT OF THE WAY, CLOWN! NO, DANNY! DON'T LETHEM SHOOT MY DRESS! DANNY! NO! SKOBO, YOU OKAY? GO, MAN.
SAVE THE DRESS.
THANKS, SKOBO.
HEY.
EARN IT.
I'M SO COLD.
AND AFTER THE CEREMONY, WE WILL MOVE 40 FOLDING CHAIRS INTO THE TENT.
ANY QUESTIONS? ALL RIGHT.
GO! FRANCIS, HOW ARE WE COMING ON THOSE EXTRA TABLES? COPY THAT.
OH, AND WE'RE GONNA NEED TO BREAK INTO OUR EMERGENCY PÂTÉ RESERVE.
YOU W-WHAT? WHO EATS 3 POUNDS OF PÂTÉ | IN ONE DAY? ALL RIGHT.
NO MORE COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT YOUR GOUT.
THANK GOD SHE'S BA.
YES.
OF COURSE I'M GONNA HAVE TO WORK TWICE AS HARD TO FIX EVERYTHING SHE'S DOING.
SO WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH THE NEIGHBORS? WELL, IT'S BEEN QUIET, BU THAT MEANS NOTHING.
HMM.
I JUST SAW THOSE KIDS FILLING UP BAGS WITH DOG POO.
SOMETHING'S BREWING.
THERE'S NO END TO THIS.
I MEAN, IT'S-IT'S GETTING SO OUT OF- I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHO STARTED IT ANYMORE.
IT WAS ME, DUDE.
HOLD ON.
I KNOW HOW TO MAKE THIS RIGHT.
YOU'RE A LOT PRETTIER THAN I REMEMBER.
OH, IT'S ALL OVER.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE GREA FOR THE WEDDING, HONEY.
HONEY? I HATE MY DRESS.
WHO TRACKED PAIN INTO THIS KITCHEN? LORNA! SHMISSEDE, FRANCIS.
SHE REALLY DID.
LORNA!