Big Nate (2022) s01e08 Episode Script

[bell rings]
[feedback squeals]
- Let's give a shout-out
to our sixth graders
who embark tomorrow
on a P.S. 38 tradition:
The Survival Skills
Camping Trip.
- Oh, I'm so not into this.
Ever since I portrayed
camping victim number three
in that commercial last year,
I've been scared of it.
- Well, in real life,
camping is dope.
- You get to eat s'mores
and wipe with leaves.
- Ugh. I'd rather go
without wiping at all.
- Been there, not good.
- Now, although safety
is our number one priority,
we have had some minor mishaps
over the years.
- I am one with nature
And na--
[yells]
- [whistling]
[screams]
[chainsaw revs]
[all screaming]
- See, we're all gonna die!
- Oh, come on.
What are you worried about,
Dee?
You're an actress.
You love constant rejection,
unhealthy beauty standards,
and most importantly,
putting yourself in wacky
and improbable situations.
- On all accounts,
you're right,
except just as a character.
This is real life.
- So why not act like someone
who's not afraid of camping?
- Don't forget to bring
your signed liability waivers
and remember our motto:
"It's not the school's fault."
[knock at door]
Oh.
- Great Scott.
My jazzercise classes seem
to be having quite the effect.
- It's not you, Fontaine.
My office is infested
with termites
and the school
can't afford an exterminator.
[groans]
[toilet flushes]
Oh, don't forget
to wash your hands, Chad.
- Interestingly enough,
funding for the school
is what I came to discuss.
- Go on.
- Late last night whilst
surfing ham radio frequencies,
I learned of a method for
monetizing the survival trip.
We'll need to be discrete.
- Tell me. Oh, please tell me.
- The elegant egg of this
extra-large eagle
is of extreme value.
All we must do is look
for the tallest pine tree and--
[both yell]
Ow, my sciatica!
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay
Detention again
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Big Nate
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
- Ugh. Need your John Hancock.
- Hmm?
The Survival Skills Trip!
That experience made me
the confident,
assertive person I am today.
[farts]
Yes, that was me.
Anyway, Ellen, tell him.
- Oh, same here.
Yeah, it was a big, big deal.
Total game changer.
- You guys, come on.
It's just a camping trip.
- To the inexperienced
tenderfoot, yes.
But for us greats--
you see, when I went
on the trip,
I won the
Wilderness Warrior Award.
It was the second proudest day
of my life.
Eclipsed only by the day that
Ellen won the award herself.
- Wait, there's an award?
What do you get?
- Oh, let's see. Is it here?
No. Hmm.
[gasps]
Behold middle school greatness.
- Great. A piece of paper.
- Oh, it's so much
more than paper.
It's proof you're
the strongest, fiercest,
and most awesome kid
in the grade.
[dramatic fanfare]
- Oh, yeah. I'm awesome.
Gonna prove that I'm awesome.
- Or, you'll blow it
and forever
be known as the family loser.
Oh, wait, I'm sorry,
you already are.
- I'll have--
- This is the tent that I used,
your sister used,
and now you'll use.
She's our lucky charm,
but a tent.
- Ugh, smells like
a dead skunk.
- Oh, nonsense.
[person screams]
- Whoa, Principal Nichols.
Where did you learn
to drive a bus?
- Ah, the classroom
of life, my boy.
Why pay for a so-called
"safe and professional driver"
when I can do the job myself?
You got the map?
We're gonna find that eagle egg
and make a fortune
for the school.
Huh? What is that?
- Brace for impact.
[loud thunk]
Dee Dee? What the who's it now?
- Dee Dee? I'm afraid
you're mistaken, good sir.
I'm famous and fearless
explorer Amelia Earhart.
- Amelia Earhart didn't make it
home alive.
I suggest you place your fanny
in a seat, young lady.
- [grunts, laughs]
- Keep this list of approved
wilderness activities handy.
I'll be watching you
at all times.
And remember, I have eyes
in the back of my head.
- All the better
to watch me win.
- What are you
talking about, bruh?
- Yeah, it's a trip.
Not a contest.
- Major advantage alert.
I'm the only one
who knows about the award.
That means I got
this competition in the bag.
[horn honks]
[upbeat music]
[dog barking]
- Smell it, kids?
You smell that? That's nature.
You will be divided
into two groups.
Ladies, follow me.
- Wait, what?
Why do we have to have
different groups
for boys and girls?
I mean, why can't we just camp
with our friends?
- Aren't we all friends here,
Ms. Holloway?
[girls giggling]
- Um
sorry, I meant, yay,
girl power.
[lively guitar music]
- Hello, Nate.
You're needing a foot?
- It's hand, actually.
And no, all good.
- Hey, ho, lucky us.
It is instruction
for to build this tent.
- Pfft, I come from a long line
of Wilderness Warriors.
We Wrights, nah,
we don't need inst--
[grunts]
- The tent of Nate is fly away.
- Huh?
This is the perfect excuse
to ditch the kids
and find that egg.
- But aren't we responsible
for these students?
Just kidding.
Let's get outta here.
- Don't worry, son.
We're on it.
- Wait. No, no, no, no.
I don't need help.
I'll go find it myself.
- Sorry, buddy,
for legal reasons,
we can't allow you kids
to leave camp without an adult.
See ya.
- Hmm. Minor setback.
That award is still mine
for the taking.
I mean, come on,
look at my competition.
- [yelling]
- Well, how are you today,
little buddy?
Oh!
[laughing]
Oh, that tickles!
- Wilderness Warrior
domination, imminent.
- All right, very good.
These tents look good.
Ms. Holloway, can we
pick up the pace, please?
- Yes, we can!
Get it? I'm Rosie the Riveter.
You know, Rosie the Riveter,
the iconic woman behind--
- Mother nature doesn't
give points for whimsy.
- We finished our tents,
Mrs. Godfrey.
May we please go exploring?
- By all means, my little
eager beaverlette.
- Wait up, you guys!
- [growling]
- Hmm.
[dramatic music]
both:
The tallest pine tree.
- Oh yeah. Come to Papa.
[both laugh]
- [gasps]
[eagle caws]
both: Ahh!
- Okay, let's see.
Find a safe water source.
- Oh, wow, a river!
- Let the record show I found
the safe water source first.
- Dude, who cares?
It's not homework.
When will you learn that
things only matter
when you're being graded?
- Well, I'm gonna celebrate
by having a nice, cool drink.
[muffled scream]
- You guys wanna slow down?
You know, take in the scenery?
- You wanna ditch the giant bag
so you can keep up?
- Sophia Danenberg always
wore a large camping pack
on her treks.
- Yes, she did.
Whoo, I love her.
Who is she?
- Danenberg
was the first Black woman
to summit Mount Everest.
- Right on.
Mad respect, Sophia.
Mad respect.
- Yeah. She's a--
[yelling]
- We have to each find
a unique rock.
I think all rocks are unique
if you feed 'em right.
- Whoa, I think I found
myself a winner.
This is the best-looking rock
out here.
- Dude!
- [yelling]
They're stinging my eyes!
Oh, the humanity!
[yells]
[owl hooting]
[soft guitar music]
- Is that raw hamburger meat?
- Yeah, of course.
A real Wilderness Warrior
doesn't need
to cook their meat.
- Well, I'm gonna go ahead
and make myself some s'mores.
It's the first step on the
magical journey called puberty.
- I always thought the first
step of puberty was BO.
- Great, my mom forgot
my salt lick.
- I've got extra hummus
and crudité. Want some?
- Hmm.
Take that, you hipster food!
Ah! Mrs. Godfrey.
Wait, how did you get here?
- I've always been here.
Well, I trust you
all remembered your dinners.
That wasn't a question,
you little miscreants.
- What did you bring,
Mrs. Godfrey?
- [chuckles]
Years of experience killing
things more defenseless than I.
Nature provides for
seasoned campers like myself.
- Ya-ha-hoo!
- Huh, nature provides?
[curious music]
Huh. Hmm.
[laughs]
- Where are your chaperones?
- The tent of Nate
flew to the sky,
and they are to be
looking for it.
- What?
Nate Wright caused problems?
Shocking.
Get cooking
and don't leave camp.
There are things in the woods,
and by things,
I mean me, Godfrey.
Ooh, I've got something.
I've got something. Come on.
- Psst.
Hey, come with me, Chad.
I have an even better dinner
plan in store for us.
- [as Julia Child]
The key to this succulent salad
is the tomato we will use
for garnish
And voilà!
I'm Julia Child.
Thank you for watching.
Dinner is served.
- We're done eating, so
- You ate without me?
- You were too busy doing
your Julie the Child thing.
- Oh, well.
I'm more excited about our next
activity anyway, camp songs.
- You know,
I've had worse meals.
It tastes like chicken
and belt.
Want some?
[eagle caws]
- We weren't supposed
to leave camp.
This feels like
we're leaving camp.
I wish I had
my tracking collar.
- Would you pull it together,
Chad?
Everything's gonna be fine.
Know why?
Because I've got meat
in my pants.
- Oh, is that the style
these days?
Keeping up with fashion
is so hard.
- [stammers]
Focus, Chad.
You and I are gonna use my meat
pants to bag us a beast.
- And then s'mores?
all: There was an old man
who gobbled a clam
Why, oh, why did he
gobble that clam
That clam had a fam--
- [yells]
I'm just a poor
innocent clam.
Why?
Sorry, just wanted
to experience the song
from the clam's perspective.
- Could you not?
- Seriously, the Dee Dee Show
is getting old.
- Why?
What's wrong with Dee Dee?
all: Nothing.
- That's the point.
We wanna hang out with you,
not all these rando characters.
- Yeah.
Can you just like be chill?
- I'm chill.
I can totally be chill.
[indistinct chatter]
[somber music]
[suspenseful music]
- Wait, won't this make
the big beast come to me?
- Exactly.
And when he tries
to attack you,
I'll go at him from behind.
[chuckles]
He'll never see me coming.
Genius.
- Oh, yeah,
I'm not sure about this plan.
- Come on, Chad.
Have any of my wild
and impulsive schemes
ever put you in danger before?
- [yelling]
[heavy metal music]
- Nope. In fact,
I have the scars to prove it.
[cat meows]
- [laughs] Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that one.
But great!
So no matter what happens,
just remember
it's all part of the plan.
Trust the plan. Got it?
- Got it.
[suspenseful music]
- [stammers]
Chad, don't turn around.
- Okay.
[bear growling]
- It's possible my plan
may need work.
[chuckles]
[bear roars]
[screaming]
- Ah, narcolepsy
is always so rough.
Oh, should I do something?
I feel like
I should do something.
No, Chad, no.
Nate said trust the plan.
[peaceful music]
[bird chirping]
[loud metallic clanging]
[angry chirping]
- Rise and shine, gentleman!
The day awaits.
- [groans]
- Where is Nate Wright?
- We didn't leave camp.
He's not trying
to take out a bear.
Maybe he's pooping?
- Galvin! Nichols!
Get those hernia trusses
on pronto, it's morning.
- [laughs]
Is funny because you think
they are there,
but actually, they are go
to finding Nate's tent.
- Unbelievable.
You walking blackheads
stay put.
- Okay, seriously, dude,
where's Nate?
[mysterious music]
- Tell no one. Trust the plan.
- Did anyone else just hear
that music right there?
[bear roaring]
- [sobbing]
So this is it. This is the end.
I promise if I make
it outta here alive,
I'll never get detention again.
I'll even be nice
to Mrs. Godfrey.
And then I'll--
hey, you know what?
Just get me out of this mess,
and then we'll discuss terms.
[bear roars]
- Nichols! Galvin! Nate!
Have you fallen
into a sinkhole?
Reveal your coordinates pronto.
- Clara, up here!
- Well, well.
Attempted eagle egg theft, huh?
[both chuckling]
Put the egg back, Wesley.
[eagle caws, screeches]
[both yelp]
- I just wanna go home!
[solemn music]
- Ugh.
When all
your magnificent personas
have been cast aside,
what's left?
If you can't be somebody else,
then who are you,
Dee Dee Holloway?
[music swells]
[inhales deeply]
I--
- Help!
- Do I hear?
Was that the sweet sound
of drama?
Reveal yourself,
oh, panicked prisoner!
- [squawking]
- [squawking angrily]
- [screeches]
[tense music]
- Oh, that was truly
remarkable, Clara.
Where did you learn
how to speak eagle?
- Volunteer
park ranger training.
Resist and protect.
- I didn't know
you were a ranger.
Guess it's our lucky day.
- [laughing]
Yes, yes, yes.
Also no!
Attempting to steal
an endangered eagle egg
is a federal offense
with a $100,000 minimum fine.
- Oh no, not another bill.
- But Clara, we don't have
that kind of money.
The only reason we tried
to steal the egg
in the first place
was to raise meager funds
for the school.
- I'm sorry, but I must uphold
the park ranger's
oath of conduct.
- Surely there's
something we could do.
Some deal we could strike
to make this disappear.
- [sobbing]
Oh, please! We'll do anything.
- Anything? Okay.
But it's gonna cost you.
[laughing]
- [screaming]
- Yoo-hoo!
Whose yonder weeping do I hear?
Ye, distressed one,
reveal yourself!
- Dee Dee! Is that you?
Save me.
- Ack, Nate, are you
in the cave?
'Cause there's
a giant bear outside.
- Ah, yeah. Thanks. I noticed.
Do something.
[bear growling]
- Why didn't I research
notable female bear wranglers?
What do I do? Who can I be?
[suspenseful music]
[gasps]
[yelling]
[screaming]
[hopeful music]
Whoa.
[laughs]
Wait, did I just
freak out a bear?
Okay. Okay.
What's wrong, furball?
Am I not chill enough for you?
Well, well, if you want chill,
you've got the wrong kid!
Pas de bourrée!
Kick ball change.
Exit stage left!
[gasps]
[laughs]
I did it.
I took a bear out by myself,
and I did it as myself!
Dee Dee!
The girl who was afraid
of camping!
- Thank you.
That was truly awesome.
Please don't tell anyone
about this.
- Are you kidding me?
This is gonna be chapter one
of my memoir.
- [groans]
- Ah, okay. You were right.
Camping's dope.
Wanna do a friend
camping trip sometime?
Maybe our parents can take us.
- Claro-que-see-you-there.
- Can I come?
- I wanna come.
- Sure. We're all friends here.
- [groans]
[feedback squeals]
- For demonstrating the barest
minimum level of confidence,
your Wilderness Warrior Award.
- I won? I won! Booyah!
The Wrights continue
to dominate.
Just call me the most
awesome kid in the class.
- Oh, for goodness sake, Nate.
Please just take one
and pass the rest back.
- Uh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Everyone gets one
just for participating?
Seriously?
- Oh, look at this.
It says I participated!
[feedback squeals]
- [clears throat]
Our real Wilderness Warrior
is Clara Godfrey,
and that's why I'm honored
to grant her tenure.
Now she can never be fired
from P.S. 38.
Let's give her a round
of applause, shall we, kids?
[laughs]
Clara, okay.
- That's great news.
- Great.
- This is really great
for our future.
- And to think this all started
when Nate Wright failed
to stake down his tent.
Thank you, Nate.
- [growls]
- Oh, look who survived.
#bummed.
- You guys totally punked me.
Everybody gets
a Wilderness Warrior Award.
You don't have to
do anything for it.
- I know.
- [growling]
Dad! Da--
- Stifle it, doofus.
Obviously, it's a bogus award,
but dad doesn't know that.
Maybe he remembers it wrong
or I don't know,
maybe he's, like, senile,
but he's convinced
that he was some sort of
big winner back then, okay?
So just shut your mouth
and let him keep believing
that we are the uber campers
that he thinks he is.
- Hey, champ,
how'd the trip go?
- Did you bring home anything
for the trophy cubby?
And if you say no, that's okay.
I'll just hide
my disappointment
behind a wall of junk food
and knock-knock jokes.
- Yeah.
Well, it turns out that--
[hopeful music]
It turns out
that I'm a Wilderness Warrior
just like you guys.
Whoop-a-cha!
- [laughing, stammering]
I wanted this.
I wanted this bad for you!
Oh, my baby boy.
Let me unbutton my pants
and sit down to hear
all about it.
[groans]
This is amazing.
- Yeah, yeah, everybody
freaked out except me.
So I had to protect
my less awesome classmates--
and weapons of tree bark
and trail mix.
And then
- [caws]
- I've got a tent
and no money for rent
But I know where to go
Camping, camping
I'll eat with my hands,
shovel beans from some cans
Wipe my bottom with leaves
Camping, camping
I run out of meat
or no fire for heat
Gonna eat my best friend
Camping, camping
Saw a lizard today
drinking café au lait
Am I losing my mind?
Camping, camping
Camping, no camping,
yes camping, why camping
Maybe some glamping
but isn't that camping?