Black Dynamite (2009) s01e08 Episode Script
Honky Kong or White Apes Can't Hump
He's dynamite So dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh Ahhhh He's dynamite Dy-no, dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Oooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! This week [sirens wailing in distance.]
Kak! Nothing but bloody Afro faces as far as my bloody white eyes can bloody see! MAN: Say, man, what you looking for, baby? I got joints and bags, nickels and dimes, Columbian gold and Panama reds.
So, what you smoking, huh, jack? Not interested.
Actually, I -- Nah, Rallo, he needs to keep his lungs clean.
Look here, man, I got acid, valium, mescaline.
I got some good cocaine.
I'll keep you open forever.
You misunderstand.
I don't have time for -- Rallo, this man's in a rush.
He ain't got no time for no angel dust to kick in and don't need no shit that's gonna make him see unicorns either.
He got to drive! Ain't that right'? Yes! No, look, I just need some directions! What you got in there -- Rolls-Royces or something? This shit is big! Oh, no, something fiarmore valuable than a Rolls-Royce.
Now could you please tell me how to get my truck out of this shithole?! Yeah.
[gun cocks.]
By handing over them keys, sucker.
I'm out, bitch! [truck horn honks.]
Dynamite! Dynamite Rallo, it's dark as hell in here.
Throw me alight.
[laughs.]
We hit the jackpot, Rallo! What do you see, Rallo? Looks like a whole mess of white furs.
They might be rabbit, might be mink.
Ah, damn, but it smells like gorilla shit.
- Gorilla shit? - I know all types of shit.
I know dog shit, cow shit, monkey shit, and that [sniffs.]
is gorilla -- aah! [gorilla roars.]
Aah! [gorilla roars.]
- Holy shit! - Rallo! Rallo, help! Rallo, do something! Stop screaming, man! I'm trying to think! Rallo, he might be hungry! Give him some quaaludes! [gonna grunts.]
[gorilla roars.]
Aah! God damn, Rallo, that big orangutan was about to eat the shit out yo ass! Man, that ain't funny! Now stop jiving so we can figure out how we're gonna get rid of him! You can't get rid of him! Now, what we need is to get some of that circus money.
This motherfucker is a main attraction! That's right.
You're gonna be a star.
I can see your name up in lights right now.
What's it say, Rallo?! What's it say?! It says, "Rallo and Another Cat Named Rallo's Brothers presents Honky Kong"! [telephone ringing.]
[child laughs.]
Bullhorn, Cream Corn, there's nothing like being a man on Sunday with no responsibilities.
Can one of y'all please get that?! Damn! Bee, I'll gladly help you out after quarter number four.
It's only quarter number one, though, so there's still three more.
[ringing continues.]
Whorephanage.
This is Honey Bee.
Mrs.
McHenry from Child Services? Hi! Uh, no, today would not be a good day for a visit.
Tomorrow? Oh, yes, that would be perfect! Oh, yes, the kids are ve/ysafe.
[glass shatters.]
Get your ass down before I bust your little head open! See? Okay, gotta go.
[children laughing.]
Put that down, put that down! What the fuck?! Honey Bee, can you do something with these damn orphans? They're making it impossible to get any whoring done around here.
I'm trying to get this place together before Child Services comes tomorrow! What's the big deal with Child Services? If I don't have this place together in 24 hours, they will shut this whorephanage down! Oh, Honey Bee, there's no reason to worry.
Everything will be just fine.
Now, if you're not too busy, can you please get us some more pork rinds? Euphoria, can you just watch them for a minute, please? I'm sorry, Honey Bee.
You on your own.
These tricks ain't gonna turn theyselves, you know.
Now a ho got to go.
Bye! You better have Black Dynamite's money, too! [can top pops.]
BULLHORN: Honey Bee, here's a drink to the one that holds down the whole team! Of course, I'm talking about Wilt the Stilt, A.
K.
A.
my man Chamberlain! You know the best part about Honey Bee'? She is so selfless.
I mean, she's so giving.
You don't never see her do shit for herself.
It's almost like the bitch don't even exist.
Hey, my man, hand me them nachos.
You know what?! I'm tired of being treated like this! I spend every day trying to hold this whorephanage together, and what kind of appreciation do I get, huh?! Huh?! Tell me! What are you talking about? I said we appreciate you letting us take advantage of you.
Black Dynamite, don't get me wrong.
I love every ungrateful motherfucker in here, but if I don't get some appreciation soon, I'ma have to go.
Yes! [laughs.]
In your face, Havlicek, in your face! [baby babbles.]
[grunts.]
Okay, fellas, we need to stop enjoying our Sunday so we can take Honey Bee somewhere that nobody would ever take her.
That way, she'll feel appreciated and not have a nervous breakdown.
Got it! Let's take her duck-pin bowling! They got a big-ass TV there so we can watch the game and appreciate her at the same time! It's like killing two ducks with one ball! Hmm, I don't know if Honey Bee will buy that one.
Will you buy that one, Honey Bee? Before you answer that, let's see what other options we got first.
Bullhorn? Well, if smiles is what she needs, then I say send in the clowns.
I know two cats named Rallo, and they got a circus in town.
Honey Bee, which would make you feel more appreciated -- duck-pin bowling or the circus? Do they got that two-headed pit bull? I don't know, so I ain't gonna pull your toe, but they do got a pretty tri-titty ho that came all the way from Buffalo.
A tri-titty ho? Then the circus it is.
Honey Bee, go get all these orphans and whores dressed and fed.
Black Dynamite and this here whorephanage is going to the circus.
[cheers.]
[children shouting.]
[circus music playing.]
BLACK DYNAMITE: This was a great idea, Bullhorn.
After this, Bee won't have shit to bitch about.
Marvel at all the wonders and let your mind be free! Today is all about our appreciation for you, Honey Bee.
[shouts.]
[cheers and applause.]
[cheers and applause.]
Now, that shit was amazing! Did you see that, Honey Bee? Three titties in one.
Also, can you get us some more popcorn? When you're done, you really need to sit down and watch the circus so you can feel appreciated.
These damn tickets cost money, Bee.
And now, without further ado, we present the ninth wonder of the world! Give it up for Honky Kong! [drums beating.]
[audience murmurs.]
[Honky Kong growling.]
[audience gasps.]
This is the dumbest shit I've ever seen.
[Honky Kong roars.]
Aah! [Honky Kong roars.]
Man, this big, white motherfucker is about to scare away all our money! We need to get the hell up out of here before cats start talking about refunds and shit.
Oh shit! Nice circus, boys! [Honky Kong growls.]
[audience murmuring.]
[Honky Kong snorts.]
Is he looking at you? [Honky Kong snorts softly.]
CREAM CORN: Damn, Bee, you got this ape's big gorilla nostrils all open! Them white boys always did like you! About time you got you a man.
[chuckles.]
Or a monkey.
[ laughs.]
Uh-huh, uh-huh! Bitch, you done lose your mind! [Honky Kong roars.]
[crowd screaming.]
[Honky Kong roars.]
[screaming.]
[Honky Kong roars.]
Aah! Honey Bee, I know today was supposed to be all about appreciating you.
- Aah! But I would appreciate it if you and Bullhorn could get these orphans and whores to safety.
- Aah! - I gotta go save Cream Corn.
Aah! Or he'll be bouncing around this damn circus tent all night.
[screaming continues.]
[Honky Kong snorting.]
[Honky Kong grunts.]
Aah! Help! Black Dynamite! Oh, you got some nice nails! Aah! Help! Help! [Honky Kong roars.]
Damn, I arrived on the scene just a moment too late.
Now, you orphans need to repress the memory of what you just saw, or you little motherfuckers are gonna be scarred for life.
[tires screech.]
[siren wailing.]
[Honky Kong roars.]
If we're gonna save Bee, we're gonna need some help from above.
That means we got to get the meanest, baddest, Blackest birds in the sky.
You got to be talking about those red tails from way back when -- the only ones that we can depend on to defend.
BOTH: The Tuskegee Airmen! Amen! Tuskegee Airmen, I appreciate y'all rolling with me on such a short notice.
- Huh?! - I appreciate y'all rolling with me on such a short notice.
- Huh?! - I appreciate y'all rolling with me on such a short notice.
Okay, Colored Dynamite! It's been a long time since we flew these, but don't worry.
It's just like riding a bike.
[Honky Kong roars.]
[Honky Kong roars.]
Aah! [Honky Kong roars.]
Aah! Tuskegee Airman, you coming in too fast! - Huh?! - Tuskegee Airman you coming in too fast! - Huh?! - Tuskegee Airman, you coming in too -- oh fuck it! Sueeeyy!! PILOT: Ok.
[shouts.]
[Honky Kong yelps, roars.]
Aaaaaah, suey! [Honky Kong roars.]
Aaah, suey! Hyah! [Honky Kong snorts.]
Black Dynamite! Honey Bee! Black Dynamite, make sure you get the whorephanage together before Child Services co-o-o-o-mes! Dynamite! Dynamite [shouting indistinctly.]
Agh! It's all my fault.
I should've listened to Honey Bee and paid more attention to her needs.
Now she's gone with a white monkey that's gone ape, and I can't rest until I find her.
BULLHORN: You're right, Black Dynamite.
Taking Honey Bee to the circus was a big mistake because I been changing shitty diapers all day, and I ain't had no break! Look, I'm gonna need one of you hoes to fill in for Bee when Child Services comes by 'cause we need to keep things tight, out of sight, and -- 'Cause Black Dynamite's gonna make everything all right, and, yeah, I promise not to come in your mouth, and the check is in the mail.
Now, I wasn't even gonna say that! You see that, Euphoria?! You think you know somebody! Now, you need to get a hot cup of shut the fuck up! Sorry, Euphoria.
I'm just under a lot of stress.
It's hard doing womanly duties and being Black Dynamite at the same time.
Go on and turn your tricks, Euphoria.
Fellas, every second Honey Bee's away, the harder it's gonna be to find her.
If we only knew where to start For selling me those tickets, I'ma kill you suckers! You no-good bullshittin' motherfuckers! No one is killing anyone until I find my ape.
Two Cats Named Rallo, who the hell is this toubab, and why have you brought him here? Black Dynamite, this toubab is Boner Afrikaner -- South African big-game hunter and poacher extraordinaire, bon vivant, et cetera, et cetera.
Well, I guess we'll just split.
I figure you guys can, you know, take it from here.
Come on, Rallo.
- No one is going anywhere until the toubab finds his ape! And you ain't leaving until I find where your honky gorilla took my Bee.
Now talk, sucker.
He's probably in the Aegean Sea by now.
I found him on the remote island of Patmos.
It's a dangerous island that time forgot with bloody roaches the size of cars.
Oh, that ain't shit.
We got some in the kitchen.
You have no idea what you've done.
Nfumu has never seen a Black donk before.
You've done worse than awaken the bloody lust in him.
You've awakened the bloody jungle love.
Boner Afrikaner, I ain't got no time for all this giant roach bloody talk.
I just need to get my Bee back to her hive where she belongs.
How can we get there? We can take my seaplane.
Well, we need to split now.
Cream Corn, I'ma need you to stay here.
- What?! - Cream Corn, I'ma need you to stay here.
- What?! Cream Corn, I'ma need you -- I ain't doing this shit again.
Look, somebody has to keep an eye on these orphans and straighten this place up before the Child Services.
bitch gets here.
Dynamite! Dynamite [yawns.]
Where the hell am I? [sniffs.]
And do I smell steak and eggs? Aah! Don't you come near me, y-y-you My clothes! Oh, my -- damn, are these pressed? The hell?! You did that while I was asleep? Oh, that is so cute! Aww, you wouldn't hurt a fly, would you? You're just a big, old teddy bear.
Let me tell you something.
A lot of men could learn from you.
You're gonna make some monkey girl a good gorilla husband.
Honky Ko-- mmm! -- Honky Kong, this is some five-star shit here.
I can get used to this.
Black Dynamite ain't never made me a grit -- not one grit.
[birds chirping.]
If you value your life, follow me very closely because unseen creatures lurk around every corner.
There's probably one behind me right -- aah! [indistinct shouting.]
Rallo, save yourself! The other way, Rallo! [dinosaur shrieks.]
No! The other way, Rallo! The other way! [dinosaur shrieking.]
Black Dynamite, shoot it! Shoot it! [dinosaur shrieks.]
[spider chittering.]
[spider screeching.]
Now, that is how you conserve ammo.
Oh shit, the white man died first in line.
What we gonna do now, Black Dynamite? 'Cause your guess is gooder than mine.
Black Dynamites seen some heavy shit in Vietnam, but one thing he ain't never seen is a white spider eating a white velociraptor eating a white wolverine eating a white man.
All bets are officially off! Everybody be cool.
These white spear chuckers look like they mean business, and I mean "business" as in trouble, not as in commerce.
Dynamite! Dynamite WOMAN: You know, I can appreciate a man that takes care of his children.
I find it really moisturizing.
CREAM CORN: Yeah, well, you know [chuckles nervously.]
Cream Corn loves the orphans.
Wait, you said you find it what? A man that loves children really gets me pumped, really puts the dew on my lily.
Drip, drip.
[gags.]
Oh, God, I think I just threw up inside my mouth.
Treat me like a stamp! Just lick me, stick me, and send me the fuck away! You really do want to keep these kids, right? Then fuck me now! Honey Bee! HONEY BEE: But they just don't know how much work it is taking care of both whores and orphans simultaneously, let alone keeping up with my fine ninjutsu.
You're such a good listener.
Mmm, a little lower, please.
Where was Oh, yeah.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Black Dynamite cares about all of us.
[romantic music playing.]
Oh, but he's so tough, he parts his hair with an axe.
Yeah, he's something else.
But you know what? As much as you're a fine listener, I got to get back home to my orphans and whores.
Agh! What the hell?! What are you doing?! It ain't that kind of party, baby! Ain't that just like a man? All this time, I thought you appreciated my company, but you ain't nothing but a big, old, dirty white monkey! With a little dick, at that! What is that?! I can't even see it! How you gonna have big-ass monkey feet and a little, tiny sausage?! [Honky Kong roars.]
Yikes! I guess I shouldn't have said that! [Honky Kong growls.]
I mean big! Big sausage! [birds chirping.]
MAN: [laughing.]
Yes! Hot diggity dog! Entertain Yakub, my white Harlem globetrotter.
[cheers and applause.]
And for that, you live to dunk another day! [cheers and applause.]
Now you entertain me, white Bill Cosby.
Hey, man, what about that Yakub? This guy has got a head the size of two big-headed men! - What'd you say?! - His head's so big it's got its own satellites! No one talks about Yakub's big-ass head! Feed him to the white great white sharks! Now entertain Yakub, white Sammy Davis, Jr.
[up-tempo music playing.]
Faster! [tapping.]
Faster! - What kind of white-washed fantasy island bullshit is this? Greetings, Black Dynamite.
It is everything you would have in a white-man-dominated world reversed.
You see, here I am figuratively the white man being catered to and served by my white/Black servants! Through painstaking genetic manipulation, I have created a whole ecosystem of white creatures and people.
I have even kidnapped my favorite Black entertainers and turned them white! Behold my latest creation, white Dolly Parton! Oh, look at that! - White? - Look at the titties.
- She's already white! Really? White? Dolly Parton? It cannot be right.
All this time.
Maybe she was in shadow.
You diabolical race changer! Only a white man in a Black man's body would turn the white man into the Black man by turning the Black man white! I love your fire, Black Dynamite.
You know, I could use a white man just like you.
I am about to extract all the Black from Black Dynamite so I will have my own White Dynamite! [cheers and applause.]
Get the magnets! Start the process! [electricity crackling.]
[grunting.]
Black Dynamite! [Honky Kong growls.]
[Honky Kong roaring.]
[indistinct shouting.]
- Aah! - Honey Bee! Black Dynamite, you came for me! You ain't the first.
I'm sorry I wasn't sensitive to your needs, but right now, it looks like you need me to rescue you from this giant ape and fucked up island.
[Honky Kong roars.]
So let's just call it even.
Nooooo! [electricity crackling.]
[Honky Kong roars.]
Follow me, you honky monkey! [Honky Kong roaring.]
Suueeeeey! [Honky Kong grunts.]
Honky Kong! Don't die, Honky Kong! I might not be into big, white monkeys or little dicks or white monkeys with little dicks or little dicks in general, but if I was, I would choose you! Oh, but thank God I'm not.
I'll always remember you, my sweet Honky Kong! [Honky Kong snorts.]
[Honky Kong grunts.]
[screaming.]
What the fuck? [screaming continues.]
Now, ain't that a bitch? Everybody listen up 'cause apparently this message extends outside our little whorephanage.
No more taking Honey Bee for granted.
Can you dig it? Wait, who's watching the orphans? [romantic music playing.]
Uh, I feel used.
You gonna call me tomorrow? - Yeah, I'll call you.
Oh, excuse me.
You still got my dentures on your dick.
Dynamite! Dynamite
Kak! Nothing but bloody Afro faces as far as my bloody white eyes can bloody see! MAN: Say, man, what you looking for, baby? I got joints and bags, nickels and dimes, Columbian gold and Panama reds.
So, what you smoking, huh, jack? Not interested.
Actually, I -- Nah, Rallo, he needs to keep his lungs clean.
Look here, man, I got acid, valium, mescaline.
I got some good cocaine.
I'll keep you open forever.
You misunderstand.
I don't have time for -- Rallo, this man's in a rush.
He ain't got no time for no angel dust to kick in and don't need no shit that's gonna make him see unicorns either.
He got to drive! Ain't that right'? Yes! No, look, I just need some directions! What you got in there -- Rolls-Royces or something? This shit is big! Oh, no, something fiarmore valuable than a Rolls-Royce.
Now could you please tell me how to get my truck out of this shithole?! Yeah.
[gun cocks.]
By handing over them keys, sucker.
I'm out, bitch! [truck horn honks.]
Dynamite! Dynamite Rallo, it's dark as hell in here.
Throw me alight.
[laughs.]
We hit the jackpot, Rallo! What do you see, Rallo? Looks like a whole mess of white furs.
They might be rabbit, might be mink.
Ah, damn, but it smells like gorilla shit.
- Gorilla shit? - I know all types of shit.
I know dog shit, cow shit, monkey shit, and that [sniffs.]
is gorilla -- aah! [gorilla roars.]
Aah! [gorilla roars.]
- Holy shit! - Rallo! Rallo, help! Rallo, do something! Stop screaming, man! I'm trying to think! Rallo, he might be hungry! Give him some quaaludes! [gonna grunts.]
[gorilla roars.]
Aah! God damn, Rallo, that big orangutan was about to eat the shit out yo ass! Man, that ain't funny! Now stop jiving so we can figure out how we're gonna get rid of him! You can't get rid of him! Now, what we need is to get some of that circus money.
This motherfucker is a main attraction! That's right.
You're gonna be a star.
I can see your name up in lights right now.
What's it say, Rallo?! What's it say?! It says, "Rallo and Another Cat Named Rallo's Brothers presents Honky Kong"! [telephone ringing.]
[child laughs.]
Bullhorn, Cream Corn, there's nothing like being a man on Sunday with no responsibilities.
Can one of y'all please get that?! Damn! Bee, I'll gladly help you out after quarter number four.
It's only quarter number one, though, so there's still three more.
[ringing continues.]
Whorephanage.
This is Honey Bee.
Mrs.
McHenry from Child Services? Hi! Uh, no, today would not be a good day for a visit.
Tomorrow? Oh, yes, that would be perfect! Oh, yes, the kids are ve/ysafe.
[glass shatters.]
Get your ass down before I bust your little head open! See? Okay, gotta go.
[children laughing.]
Put that down, put that down! What the fuck?! Honey Bee, can you do something with these damn orphans? They're making it impossible to get any whoring done around here.
I'm trying to get this place together before Child Services comes tomorrow! What's the big deal with Child Services? If I don't have this place together in 24 hours, they will shut this whorephanage down! Oh, Honey Bee, there's no reason to worry.
Everything will be just fine.
Now, if you're not too busy, can you please get us some more pork rinds? Euphoria, can you just watch them for a minute, please? I'm sorry, Honey Bee.
You on your own.
These tricks ain't gonna turn theyselves, you know.
Now a ho got to go.
Bye! You better have Black Dynamite's money, too! [can top pops.]
BULLHORN: Honey Bee, here's a drink to the one that holds down the whole team! Of course, I'm talking about Wilt the Stilt, A.
K.
A.
my man Chamberlain! You know the best part about Honey Bee'? She is so selfless.
I mean, she's so giving.
You don't never see her do shit for herself.
It's almost like the bitch don't even exist.
Hey, my man, hand me them nachos.
You know what?! I'm tired of being treated like this! I spend every day trying to hold this whorephanage together, and what kind of appreciation do I get, huh?! Huh?! Tell me! What are you talking about? I said we appreciate you letting us take advantage of you.
Black Dynamite, don't get me wrong.
I love every ungrateful motherfucker in here, but if I don't get some appreciation soon, I'ma have to go.
Yes! [laughs.]
In your face, Havlicek, in your face! [baby babbles.]
[grunts.]
Okay, fellas, we need to stop enjoying our Sunday so we can take Honey Bee somewhere that nobody would ever take her.
That way, she'll feel appreciated and not have a nervous breakdown.
Got it! Let's take her duck-pin bowling! They got a big-ass TV there so we can watch the game and appreciate her at the same time! It's like killing two ducks with one ball! Hmm, I don't know if Honey Bee will buy that one.
Will you buy that one, Honey Bee? Before you answer that, let's see what other options we got first.
Bullhorn? Well, if smiles is what she needs, then I say send in the clowns.
I know two cats named Rallo, and they got a circus in town.
Honey Bee, which would make you feel more appreciated -- duck-pin bowling or the circus? Do they got that two-headed pit bull? I don't know, so I ain't gonna pull your toe, but they do got a pretty tri-titty ho that came all the way from Buffalo.
A tri-titty ho? Then the circus it is.
Honey Bee, go get all these orphans and whores dressed and fed.
Black Dynamite and this here whorephanage is going to the circus.
[cheers.]
[children shouting.]
[circus music playing.]
BLACK DYNAMITE: This was a great idea, Bullhorn.
After this, Bee won't have shit to bitch about.
Marvel at all the wonders and let your mind be free! Today is all about our appreciation for you, Honey Bee.
[shouts.]
[cheers and applause.]
[cheers and applause.]
Now, that shit was amazing! Did you see that, Honey Bee? Three titties in one.
Also, can you get us some more popcorn? When you're done, you really need to sit down and watch the circus so you can feel appreciated.
These damn tickets cost money, Bee.
And now, without further ado, we present the ninth wonder of the world! Give it up for Honky Kong! [drums beating.]
[audience murmurs.]
[Honky Kong growling.]
[audience gasps.]
This is the dumbest shit I've ever seen.
[Honky Kong roars.]
Aah! [Honky Kong roars.]
Man, this big, white motherfucker is about to scare away all our money! We need to get the hell up out of here before cats start talking about refunds and shit.
Oh shit! Nice circus, boys! [Honky Kong growls.]
[audience murmuring.]
[Honky Kong snorts.]
Is he looking at you? [Honky Kong snorts softly.]
CREAM CORN: Damn, Bee, you got this ape's big gorilla nostrils all open! Them white boys always did like you! About time you got you a man.
[chuckles.]
Or a monkey.
[ laughs.]
Uh-huh, uh-huh! Bitch, you done lose your mind! [Honky Kong roars.]
[crowd screaming.]
[Honky Kong roars.]
[screaming.]
[Honky Kong roars.]
Aah! Honey Bee, I know today was supposed to be all about appreciating you.
- Aah! But I would appreciate it if you and Bullhorn could get these orphans and whores to safety.
- Aah! - I gotta go save Cream Corn.
Aah! Or he'll be bouncing around this damn circus tent all night.
[screaming continues.]
[Honky Kong snorting.]
[Honky Kong grunts.]
Aah! Help! Black Dynamite! Oh, you got some nice nails! Aah! Help! Help! [Honky Kong roars.]
Damn, I arrived on the scene just a moment too late.
Now, you orphans need to repress the memory of what you just saw, or you little motherfuckers are gonna be scarred for life.
[tires screech.]
[siren wailing.]
[Honky Kong roars.]
If we're gonna save Bee, we're gonna need some help from above.
That means we got to get the meanest, baddest, Blackest birds in the sky.
You got to be talking about those red tails from way back when -- the only ones that we can depend on to defend.
BOTH: The Tuskegee Airmen! Amen! Tuskegee Airmen, I appreciate y'all rolling with me on such a short notice.
- Huh?! - I appreciate y'all rolling with me on such a short notice.
- Huh?! - I appreciate y'all rolling with me on such a short notice.
Okay, Colored Dynamite! It's been a long time since we flew these, but don't worry.
It's just like riding a bike.
[Honky Kong roars.]
[Honky Kong roars.]
Aah! [Honky Kong roars.]
Aah! Tuskegee Airman, you coming in too fast! - Huh?! - Tuskegee Airman you coming in too fast! - Huh?! - Tuskegee Airman, you coming in too -- oh fuck it! Sueeeyy!! PILOT: Ok.
[shouts.]
[Honky Kong yelps, roars.]
Aaaaaah, suey! [Honky Kong roars.]
Aaah, suey! Hyah! [Honky Kong snorts.]
Black Dynamite! Honey Bee! Black Dynamite, make sure you get the whorephanage together before Child Services co-o-o-o-mes! Dynamite! Dynamite [shouting indistinctly.]
Agh! It's all my fault.
I should've listened to Honey Bee and paid more attention to her needs.
Now she's gone with a white monkey that's gone ape, and I can't rest until I find her.
BULLHORN: You're right, Black Dynamite.
Taking Honey Bee to the circus was a big mistake because I been changing shitty diapers all day, and I ain't had no break! Look, I'm gonna need one of you hoes to fill in for Bee when Child Services comes by 'cause we need to keep things tight, out of sight, and -- 'Cause Black Dynamite's gonna make everything all right, and, yeah, I promise not to come in your mouth, and the check is in the mail.
Now, I wasn't even gonna say that! You see that, Euphoria?! You think you know somebody! Now, you need to get a hot cup of shut the fuck up! Sorry, Euphoria.
I'm just under a lot of stress.
It's hard doing womanly duties and being Black Dynamite at the same time.
Go on and turn your tricks, Euphoria.
Fellas, every second Honey Bee's away, the harder it's gonna be to find her.
If we only knew where to start For selling me those tickets, I'ma kill you suckers! You no-good bullshittin' motherfuckers! No one is killing anyone until I find my ape.
Two Cats Named Rallo, who the hell is this toubab, and why have you brought him here? Black Dynamite, this toubab is Boner Afrikaner -- South African big-game hunter and poacher extraordinaire, bon vivant, et cetera, et cetera.
Well, I guess we'll just split.
I figure you guys can, you know, take it from here.
Come on, Rallo.
- No one is going anywhere until the toubab finds his ape! And you ain't leaving until I find where your honky gorilla took my Bee.
Now talk, sucker.
He's probably in the Aegean Sea by now.
I found him on the remote island of Patmos.
It's a dangerous island that time forgot with bloody roaches the size of cars.
Oh, that ain't shit.
We got some in the kitchen.
You have no idea what you've done.
Nfumu has never seen a Black donk before.
You've done worse than awaken the bloody lust in him.
You've awakened the bloody jungle love.
Boner Afrikaner, I ain't got no time for all this giant roach bloody talk.
I just need to get my Bee back to her hive where she belongs.
How can we get there? We can take my seaplane.
Well, we need to split now.
Cream Corn, I'ma need you to stay here.
- What?! - Cream Corn, I'ma need you to stay here.
- What?! Cream Corn, I'ma need you -- I ain't doing this shit again.
Look, somebody has to keep an eye on these orphans and straighten this place up before the Child Services.
bitch gets here.
Dynamite! Dynamite [yawns.]
Where the hell am I? [sniffs.]
And do I smell steak and eggs? Aah! Don't you come near me, y-y-you My clothes! Oh, my -- damn, are these pressed? The hell?! You did that while I was asleep? Oh, that is so cute! Aww, you wouldn't hurt a fly, would you? You're just a big, old teddy bear.
Let me tell you something.
A lot of men could learn from you.
You're gonna make some monkey girl a good gorilla husband.
Honky Ko-- mmm! -- Honky Kong, this is some five-star shit here.
I can get used to this.
Black Dynamite ain't never made me a grit -- not one grit.
[birds chirping.]
If you value your life, follow me very closely because unseen creatures lurk around every corner.
There's probably one behind me right -- aah! [indistinct shouting.]
Rallo, save yourself! The other way, Rallo! [dinosaur shrieks.]
No! The other way, Rallo! The other way! [dinosaur shrieking.]
Black Dynamite, shoot it! Shoot it! [dinosaur shrieks.]
[spider chittering.]
[spider screeching.]
Now, that is how you conserve ammo.
Oh shit, the white man died first in line.
What we gonna do now, Black Dynamite? 'Cause your guess is gooder than mine.
Black Dynamites seen some heavy shit in Vietnam, but one thing he ain't never seen is a white spider eating a white velociraptor eating a white wolverine eating a white man.
All bets are officially off! Everybody be cool.
These white spear chuckers look like they mean business, and I mean "business" as in trouble, not as in commerce.
Dynamite! Dynamite WOMAN: You know, I can appreciate a man that takes care of his children.
I find it really moisturizing.
CREAM CORN: Yeah, well, you know [chuckles nervously.]
Cream Corn loves the orphans.
Wait, you said you find it what? A man that loves children really gets me pumped, really puts the dew on my lily.
Drip, drip.
[gags.]
Oh, God, I think I just threw up inside my mouth.
Treat me like a stamp! Just lick me, stick me, and send me the fuck away! You really do want to keep these kids, right? Then fuck me now! Honey Bee! HONEY BEE: But they just don't know how much work it is taking care of both whores and orphans simultaneously, let alone keeping up with my fine ninjutsu.
You're such a good listener.
Mmm, a little lower, please.
Where was Oh, yeah.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Black Dynamite cares about all of us.
[romantic music playing.]
Oh, but he's so tough, he parts his hair with an axe.
Yeah, he's something else.
But you know what? As much as you're a fine listener, I got to get back home to my orphans and whores.
Agh! What the hell?! What are you doing?! It ain't that kind of party, baby! Ain't that just like a man? All this time, I thought you appreciated my company, but you ain't nothing but a big, old, dirty white monkey! With a little dick, at that! What is that?! I can't even see it! How you gonna have big-ass monkey feet and a little, tiny sausage?! [Honky Kong roars.]
Yikes! I guess I shouldn't have said that! [Honky Kong growls.]
I mean big! Big sausage! [birds chirping.]
MAN: [laughing.]
Yes! Hot diggity dog! Entertain Yakub, my white Harlem globetrotter.
[cheers and applause.]
And for that, you live to dunk another day! [cheers and applause.]
Now you entertain me, white Bill Cosby.
Hey, man, what about that Yakub? This guy has got a head the size of two big-headed men! - What'd you say?! - His head's so big it's got its own satellites! No one talks about Yakub's big-ass head! Feed him to the white great white sharks! Now entertain Yakub, white Sammy Davis, Jr.
[up-tempo music playing.]
Faster! [tapping.]
Faster! - What kind of white-washed fantasy island bullshit is this? Greetings, Black Dynamite.
It is everything you would have in a white-man-dominated world reversed.
You see, here I am figuratively the white man being catered to and served by my white/Black servants! Through painstaking genetic manipulation, I have created a whole ecosystem of white creatures and people.
I have even kidnapped my favorite Black entertainers and turned them white! Behold my latest creation, white Dolly Parton! Oh, look at that! - White? - Look at the titties.
- She's already white! Really? White? Dolly Parton? It cannot be right.
All this time.
Maybe she was in shadow.
You diabolical race changer! Only a white man in a Black man's body would turn the white man into the Black man by turning the Black man white! I love your fire, Black Dynamite.
You know, I could use a white man just like you.
I am about to extract all the Black from Black Dynamite so I will have my own White Dynamite! [cheers and applause.]
Get the magnets! Start the process! [electricity crackling.]
[grunting.]
Black Dynamite! [Honky Kong growls.]
[Honky Kong roaring.]
[indistinct shouting.]
- Aah! - Honey Bee! Black Dynamite, you came for me! You ain't the first.
I'm sorry I wasn't sensitive to your needs, but right now, it looks like you need me to rescue you from this giant ape and fucked up island.
[Honky Kong roars.]
So let's just call it even.
Nooooo! [electricity crackling.]
[Honky Kong roars.]
Follow me, you honky monkey! [Honky Kong roaring.]
Suueeeeey! [Honky Kong grunts.]
Honky Kong! Don't die, Honky Kong! I might not be into big, white monkeys or little dicks or white monkeys with little dicks or little dicks in general, but if I was, I would choose you! Oh, but thank God I'm not.
I'll always remember you, my sweet Honky Kong! [Honky Kong snorts.]
[Honky Kong grunts.]
[screaming.]
What the fuck? [screaming continues.]
Now, ain't that a bitch? Everybody listen up 'cause apparently this message extends outside our little whorephanage.
No more taking Honey Bee for granted.
Can you dig it? Wait, who's watching the orphans? [romantic music playing.]
Uh, I feel used.
You gonna call me tomorrow? - Yeah, I'll call you.
Oh, excuse me.
You still got my dentures on your dick.
Dynamite! Dynamite