Black-ish (2014) s01e08 Episode Script

Behind many a great black man is a strong woman who sacrificed to raise him right his mama.
And my mama's the best.
Sorry, other great black men.
Wow.
Tulips, chocolate.
Oh, my God.
Wait Dre.
Are you using the candle you gave me for our anniversary for your mom? Junior was just in here with that eye-watering puberty funk.
Whew! Whoo.
- Cotton sheets? - Yeah.
Come on.
This is my mom, not your mom.
Could have said "anyone.
" Didn't think that through.
Uh you know what? Oh! Why don't you grab the silks? And while you're doing that, I'm gonna sprinkle potpourri.
- Whoo.
- Dre, what are you doing? You're scattering rose petals like it's the coming of spring.
- Is that what it seems like? - Yeah.
Good.
'Cause that's what I'm going for.
Babe, I know you don't always get along with my mom.
Don't blame this on me.
No, your mom is a bit M-much to deal with, Dre.
She's always coming at me with those passive-aggressive jabs.
My mother is not out to get you.
Dre, she wore white to our wedding, she cut in on our first dance, and she had a coughing fit when the minister asked if there were any objections.
Unfortunately, no matter what I said, Bow and I always saw my mom's visits a bit differently.
Winter is coming.
Black-ish - 01x08 Oedipal Triangle I hope grandma Ruby gets here before school.
I am jonesing for a good gift.
Yeah, I bet you are.
Hey, how come she only visits when grandpa pops is in Bermuda? Oh, it's a special game that divorced people play called "give me your Lincoln and get out.
" Oh! - She's here! - Me first! - Me first! - Move! Move! Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Y'all stop! This is my mama, all right? Mama! Baby boy! Whoo! Whoo! - My babies! - Grandma! Oh! Well, hello, Rainbow.
Hi! Did you do something around your eyes? You look Less tired.
See, baby? She's trying.
Mm.
Who wants presents? Yeah! Here we go.
All right.
Voilà! Nunchuks! Look! I'm a killer! Wow! Cute thong, grandma.
Oh, "Grand Theft Auto V"?! I read they finally got the hooker blood right.
Okay, okay.
And we will see these again in another 10 years.
Hey, hey, hey, babe.
She's just a grandma celebrating her grandkids.
With nunchuks and thongs? Oh, mama, are you all right? You need some water? Oh, God.
Don't die.
You mean too much to me.
I'm all right, baby.
Okay.
I guess there's just a lot of dust in this house.
Baby, you gonna have to talk to Rosario, all right? - Oh oh? - Yes.
Okay.
I love your hair, grandma.
Oh, thank you, Dee-Dee! This is all-natural Zulu-Cherokee blend.
Wow.
I don't let anyone hot-comb out my heritage.
Are my ears bleeding, or does it just feel like it? Hey, mom, let me take you up to your EN suite.
You're gonna love it.
Okay, let's go.
Hey, baby, get Rosario on the phone.
Oh, you think that's r-Rosario's - Yes, it's dusty! - Okay.
I found another gum foil! Nice! I'll go add this to the stash in my locker.
As soon as we have 50 pounds, we can bike it to the Recycling Center.
Okay, stop.
Who's that lady you were picking up garbage with? Oh, that's no lady.
That's Natalie Harris.
Hey, I'm kind of stuck in the friend zone with her.
I need advice on asking her out.
Yeah.
Don't.
Huh? Why do you insult me? I'm Zoey Johnson.
I run the social scene here.
Forget about "hopeshepurells" and let's go big-game hunting, like for Her.
Kyra Kang-Nussbaum? She's a held-back senior.
She votes and smokes.
And I heard she got a boob job.
Plus some light butt work.
And I am gonna get you a date with her.
Oh, God.
One of the highlights of my mom's visits is her soul-icious spread Fried pork chops, biscuits, thick-ass gravy.
I was a pig in mud Eating another pig.
Gee.
Thanks for waiting for me.
Oh, we would have, but there's nothing worse than clotted gravy.
Nothin' worse! What happened to the Kale salad I made for dinner? That wasn't Jumbo Parsley? - No.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I used it as garnish for the chops.
For the chops! Okay, settle down, Jack.
Sweetheart.
- What? - Mnh-mnh.
Baby, get your own meat.
You know you can't eat like this.
Ohhh, but his chipmunk cheeks are so yummy! Yes, but he needs to watch his numbers.
Oh, now, that's just doctor nonsense.
His heart stops twice a night.
I stop breathing twice a night, okay? That's different.
Rainbow, honey, I make real food.
Mm-hmm.
Now, you can have your rabbit food and your yoga and your therapy.
Um, Ruby What exactly do you mean by "therapy"? Listen, I know you saw a shrink after having the kids.
Not everybody can jump into being a mom.
No judgment.
Therapy's just not something our people do.
We have Jesus and baths.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Can I talk to you for a minute? - Get in here.
- Ow! Ow! Okay! How does your mom know I went to therapy? I may have innocently told her in passing.
Dre! That's personal! Babe, but her peach cobbler is so sweet, it probably made me high.
Don't talk to her about my stuff, okay? I don't want her throwing it back in my face.
Okay, babe.
Y-you're absolutely right.
You know, my mother should have never told you that I told her.
No, Dre.
You should have never told your mom.
Right, right, right, right, right.
You know what? I shouldn't talk to my mom.
- Wait a minute.
- What? Are you being sarcastic? No.
I'm just saying it's crazy for me to talk to my mom.
- Who birthed me.
- No, no, no.
I know exactly what you're doing.
You are trying to make me think that you're agreeing with me, when you are completely not agreeing with me.
Okay, Bow.
I'm sorry.
Let me say this clearly so there's no misunderstanding.
Okay.
I will do the very reasonable thing that you're asking me to do, which is to never talk to my mom again.
Better? So I kinda won the battle.
I'm not sure.
But I did know I was gonna lose the war unless I made things right with Bow.
What is this? - A peace offering.
- Oh.
I didn't mean to betray your confidence.
Hmm.
Ever since I was a kid, my mama was my go-to.
I never had that relationship with pops.
Emotionally, she's all I had.
I hate it when you move me with poignant honesty about your damaged childhood.
Very damaged.
Homemade skateboard.
Never had a pet.
A latch-key with no latch Just a loose key in my pocket.
And my mama.
Well, now you have me.
Dre, I don't want you to talk to your mom about me.
I want me and you to talk about your mom.
Baby, how about we just forget about her? All right? So let's clean the slate with this nice, warm bath that I may get into.
Oh.
Spoiler alert I will get into.
Mm.
I'm not hating that idea.
- Nor should you.
- Oh! I am here to serve you.
Well.
Okay, babe.
Let me go give her some water.
That does not sound like you serving me.
Trust me you do not want a dry hacking cough to be the soundtrack to tub love, all right? Now just slide right in.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Where the hell is he? Dre? Dr - Dre! - Huh! Huh? Huh? Seriously?! Oh, oh, oh, hey, hey, hey, baby, I-it's not what it looks like.
I just ate too many biscuits.
It was an over-the-cover biscuit nap! Look at her trailing that water all across the floor.
Maybe it'll mop up some of that dust.
Between my mom's cough and Bow making me sleep on the couch, I'm beginning to question my decision to skimp on nice furniture.
Mochi balls on the neck? That can only mean one thing Pit bull attack.
No, man.
Bow's just trippin'.
Women be shoppin'.
Right? Come on, playa.
What'd you do, Dre? My wife caught me in bed with my mama.
It was just a nap, fool, all right? Nothing wrong with that.
Back me up, Charlie.
Tell them this is what brothers do, right? No.
Brothers do not do that.
What? No, I'm-a say it again.
Brothers do not do that.
There's only one way out of this, Dre.
You got to pretend like you have an addiction by napping with everyone you know.
Saved my marriage.
Look, Dre, you just got to make sure Bow and your mama feel equally loved.
Trust me I got two groups of people in two different parts of the country that I gots to love exactly the same.
Charlie.
Do you have two families? What? No! W-why would you even come at me like that? Oh.
My bad.
But I do need to have half my paycheck sent to a P.
O.
box in Phoenix for unrelated reasons.
I think "big love" is onto something.
Right? Follow me on this.
Love them equally, but keep them separate, right? Separate but equal.
What's that look? Have you tried this before? You know what? I've got to get me some actual friends.
Okay, here's the plan.
You walk up to Kyra.
I'll be your brain.
Here.
Oh.
No, thanks.
I waterpik after every meal.
No, idiot.
Ryan gosling said five words in "Drive" and still got a married woman with just this.
You know what? Walk.
I'm Cho I'm choking.
No, you're fine.
Just stay confident and say hi.
H-hi.
What? Now compliment her lip gloss.
Uh, cool gloss.
Does it last all day? No! Not like you want to borrow it! You know what? Never mind.
Just laugh, but not too hard.
O kay.
Now break eye contact and check out another girl.
The blonde to your left.
And that's how you drop a jealousy bomb.
Now casually touch Kyra's elbow, and we're golden.
Graze like a player.
Don't linger like a pervert.
Oh.
Free-styling small talk.
Not bad! See you later.
Ohhhh.
Oh, my God! She asked me out! Actually, she asked me out.
So, Josh's "separate but equal" suggestion Was horribly offensive, but repackaged as "different but the same"? That could work.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Welcome, milady.
Dre! This is where you proposed to me.
Mm-hmm.
A special place for my true love.
Aww.
Baby boy! I got your GPS text.
- You sent her one, too? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, Dre.
This is where you told me you got into college! Hold on.
Am I hearing that I got sloppy seconds on an overlook? When were you here before? This is my proposal spot.
Well, it was my spot first! Okay, ladies, ladies, ladies, look.
It's both your spot, all right? I love this spot.
Which I thought was my spot.
But we all know it's mine.
Okay, look.
Please, please.
I love you both.
But this is killing me.
I'm doing my best to try to get you guys together.
I'm sweating over here.
Look at this! I made finger sandwiches! He made sandwiches.
But he probably didn't wash his hands.
He never does.
Mmm! Dirty boy.
Ohh.
Filthy, filthy man.
Whoo! I didn't mind taking a couple of hits if it meant they were getting along.
And they weren't wrong.
I did not wash my hands.
I came straight from work, stopped to get gas, and then made the sandwiches in my back seat.
So, for 16 hours, we had peace Until my mom did something you just don't do.
Look who's got a new natural! Oh, no.
Ruby, you cannot just change Diane's hair without asking me first.
Mnh-mnh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I-I'm just introducing the baby to her Zulu-Cherokee heritage.
You're not Cherokee! Look, I don't get what the problem is.
The baby loves it.
And I love it.
But until she's old enough to do her hair herself, then it's just easier for me to do it the way I do it.
So what you're saying is you don't have time to take care of your kids.
- What?! - Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies! Okay, let's not fight.
Diane can't handle this.
I'm fine.
I don't internalize things.
People disagree.
You see what you've done to her? She's broken! Okay, I'm sorry.
Let's just drop it.
Oh, see? She dropped it, baby.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I was just curious about your parenting choices.
No judgment.
"No judgment"? You know what, Ruby? You can't just put "no" in front of a word and make it go away, because if I could, I would just say "no Ruby"! - What? - No Ruby! No Ruby! She's still here.
- Bow.
- What? My mother was completely out of pocket, okay? That thing with Diane's hair That wasn't cool.
Whatever.
It's fine.
I'm not gonna let her bother me anymore.
- Good for you, babe.
- Oh, my God! She bothers me! Why does she rile me like this? Rile you? Yeah.
I'm so riled! I'm riled, Dre! Oh, yeah, you're pretty riled.
Why does she have this weird power over me after all these years? I have to go in the bathroom and cry every time she makes a comment about my dusty house? I mean, is the house that dusty? I don't think the house is that dusty.
- Babe.
- Maybe it's dusty.
- Babe.
- Is it dusty? - Babe, babe, babe, come here.
- I think it's normal dusty.
Come here.
Shh.
Easy, girl.
Easy, girl.
Shhh! Are you horse-whispering me? Is it working? I do feel less riled.
Okay.
Let's go back to the stables.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
Where have you been? Were you actually worried about me? No.
What?! Shut up.
I was worried about my reputation.
Now, how did our date with Kyra go? Dish.
Well, after chipotle paid for by Moi She drove us back to her house.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
Wow.
I'm more powerful than I thought.
Then what? She took me to her room Uh-huh.
- Turned out the lights - Yeah? And asked me to edit her audition video for "The Bachelor.
" Wait what? Don't worry I didn't use any star wipes.
I kept it very elegant.
Not too cutty.
What in the world is wrong with you? Kyra used your nerdiness to try and win a husband on TV.
I guess.
Aw, man.
I spent a lot of time on that thing like hours.
Oh, my God.
I got played.
Is this what it feels like to be you? I'm totally gonna fail my math test tomorrow.
I haven't even opened the book.
It's like 30% of my grade.
Okay.
Now, you know why my mom acts this way, right? No.
Because we've been together 16 years, and she thought you wouldn't last the first two weeks.
But you're not going anywhere.
Mnh-mnh.
We're not going anywhere.
No.
And whether you know it or not You won.
So you're my prize? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Come here.
- Yeah, okay.
- Come on.
I need some arms around me.
Oh, I got you, babe.
Ohhhh.
Oh, my Go.
Go! Go ahead, go! - No.
No.
- Go! You know that cough isn't even real? She just uses it to get attention.
You know, growing up, as kids, when she wasn't around, we would call her "Coughy Klatch.
" Oh, my God.
"Here come Coughy Klatch.
" Okay, please, no more.
Please, no more.
Okay.
So, like a good husband, I held strong and slept with my wife instead of my mom.
Hold your head down, baby.
Be real still.
Let grandma get you kitschy.
What's going on? Oh, hey, Bow.
You know, I thought it over last night, and I just want to say I'm sorry.
It was not my place to do what I did, so I'm undoing it.
Thank you Ruby.
A woman shouldn't have to feel riled up in her own home.
You have got to be kidding me! Bow, I was trying to help, baby.
Ooh, this is messy! See, that's why me and Dre keep it absolutely 100.
Ha ha! No secrets.
Well oh really? Bow So you know that he calls you "Coughy Klatch" behind your back? What? A-fake, a-fake, a-fake.
Look, mama Ohhh! Baby boy, I Mama I Mama, I was just Damn it, Bow, how could you tell her that? "Coughy Klatch" was between us! Now you know how it feels.
Oh Great timing, dad.
Really.
So, after getting three combs and a brush stuck in Diane's hair, I had to call in the only woman left in this house that was still talking to me.
Stop tugging! She's tender-headed.
Thank you.
He ignored my screams.
I really screwed this up, Zo.
Yeah, you really did.
By trying to make mom and grandma equal, you've created an emotional half-fro.
Interesting metaphor.
Yeah, here's the thing about girls, dad You can only have one number 1 at a time.
Hmm.
First it's your mom, then it's your wife, then it's the daughter you leave all your money to when you die.
Wait.
Point is, anything else violates the natural order.
Natural order.
You might be onto something.
Good luck with that mess.
Help me.
Wow.
Looks amazing.
Well, you are not getting so much as a nibble until you admit I have medically diagnosed chronic bronchitis.
Mom, you raised me to be strong.
You gave me the tools to survive and succeed in a hard world, and I wouldn't be half the man I am today without the wisdom you instilled in me.
Now, there's my Andre.
Aww.
And, mom, that wisdom is telling me to tell you right now to back off when it comes to Bow.
You mean the spot stealer? First of all, it's my spot, all right? And Bow is my wife of 16 years.
You will always be my mother, but Bow is my number 1 For now and forever.
Ohhhh.
Thank you, baby.
Bow.
Looks awesome, grandma! Let's eat! Oh, oh.
Hey, hey, hey, kids.
Slow your roll.
Slow your roll, all right? Tonight, we're gonna eat your mother's little red pebbles.
It's quinoa.
Ah.
So it is.
- Yes.
Quinoa.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Jack, hide that meat loaf in my car.
Hmm.
Looks like I raised you an amazing husband.
Hm.
You're welcome.