Black Jesus (2014) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Retro J's? Baby, you didn't.
- I did! - Oh, my God! Look, man, you sure you can't just get them fixed? Damn, I don't even know what the hell to do.
That's the last gift that you get from me.
- Some J's! - Lying asshole.
- Son of a bitch! - What's wrong with you, girl? Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.
Hey! Let me talk to you for a minute! A new problem has arisen in the garden sabotage.
- Bleach.
I bet you it was the goddamn farmers.
How you know Vic didn't pay Lloyd to come in here and sabotage the garden with his punk ass? 'Cause he's still mad at you for dumping him.
I'm sorry.
It's not gonna work.
We know you're breaking in, killing plants.
I was in line all night long.
- Don't shoot! - Boonie! I got him! It was Vic the whole time.
I think that nigga pooped his pants.
Aah! Shady motherf Ah! Can't forget them armpits.
Hey, Vic! How you doin', brother? Hey! Hey! Easy, Vic.
Man! Oh, we did it hard last night, didn't we? That's all right.
Lloyd's got you covered.
Come on back up here.
There you go, there you go.
Sit down, man.
Okay, brother, this is what you have to do.
Yeah, there you go.
Take that.
Now that gonna help you.
Go ahead, man.
There you go.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, don't spit that out! That's good liquor.
Come on now.
Come on.
One more drink.
Now come on.
There you go.
That's nice.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Now remember the way to avoid a hangover is to keep drinking.
Oh, yeah, you're looking good.
All right, time for me to start my day.
Yeah, I'm a busy man.
I got things to do.
All right.
Hey, Vic, you mind if I borrow the Cutlass? There we go.
I think I'll borrow some gas money.
And a burrito from the gas station.
They're always good.
All right, Vic, I'm proud of you.
We gonna get through this.
Thank you, Lloyd.
Thank you.
You're a wonderful man.
- Hey, yo, Lloyd? - What? Where the hell is Vic? Vic got the flu.
That nigga ain't got the flu! He drunk 'cause Ms.
Tudi dumped his ass.
Well, get over it, nigga! And fix the internet! Shh! What is wrong with you? I just told you Vic got the flu, and he hired me to help out around here.
I'm the new assistant manager.
Assistant manager? That's right assistant manager.
Assistant, a-s-s f-u.
And I run a tight ship.
There's gonna be some changes made around here.
Oh, I already noticed the changes.
The internet's been down for two damn days! The internet has not been down for two days.
I checked it myself this morning.
You probably got a raggedy-ass computer.
Yo, tell Vic he can't just let this place go to hell, man.
This is our home.
Nigga's gotta live here.
Everybody gotta have a place to live.
I'm homeless by choice.
Homeless.
I take the savings from rent and utilities and I pass it along to me.
Nigga, you mean pass it on to the liquor store? Tell Vic to get his shit together, man.
And I'm serious! And, nigga, if you want to manage something, manage that drinking problem.
And that halitosis.
Start with those two things.
Kiss my ass.
Serve the ball, Boonie.
Ha ha! Ooh! Game! Y'all suck! - Come on, Boonie.
- Hey, man, no fair! Jesus, you got the long lanky broad on your team, man.
That's what 30 minutes of cardio will do for you.
Three times a week, brethren! Only three times! - What's good, family? - Hey! Hey, it's the light-skinned man.
Damn.
Volleyball? Y'all kickin' it and shit? I thought Vic would have been shut this down.
Oh, hell, no, that dude is seriously fucked up.
Yeah, man, we been trying to play the game.
Hopefully, we lure him out and see if he cool.
Well, well, well if it ain't the con man, convict, fat-ass, the ditz - Hey! Revenge of the nerds and normal forgettable-ass nigga.
Hey, Vic, you ain't gotta front, man.
We all know you hurting, bruh.
But I want you to know that we really love you, brother.
- Nigga, fix the internet! - Or what, nigga? Huh? Pass me the wilson.
Gonna have some fun.
What are you gonna do with Wilson? Come on, Vic.
Yeah, that felt good.
See, 'cause I feel like stabbing a nigga.
I just feel like cutting and stabbing.
Who want first? You want some, fat boy? Aah! You need a hand, Vic? Jam some electrolytes in the Vic-machine.
Take this coconut, here.
Drink the nut juice.
Here, man, here.
Just drink Vic, you okay? What you doing to him? I told you to wait upstairs until I got back.
You're gonna catch pneumonia.
- Save me, Lloyd.
- Come on up here.
- The devil's got me! - Back up! I got this.
No, it don't look like it to me, Lloyd.
Look like you making it worse.
What? You making it worse, Jesus.
No wonder nobody believe in you anymore.
You don't give the people what they really deserve, what they need.
He needs Darby.
Looky there.
Get a little taste.
Keep the wolf off your back.
Come on, now.
That's too much, brother.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's go, buddy.
Y'all got the nerve to pick on a sick man like this.
And look at this place! It better be cleaned up when we get back.
Hey, what about the internet, Vic?! Yo, I ain't never seen Vic like this.
Hey, but look at the bright side, man he keep this shit up, he gonna lose his job.
Then we ain't gotta ever worry about him again.
Or the exact opposite of what you're talking about.
Je, come on, man.
This nigga's sole purpose in life is to fuck with us.
Here, man.
Where you going? To save Vic, man.
Oh, yeah! Hey! Whee! All right! Hey, man! - Ugh! - Come on, Vic.
Come on up here.
Oh, yeah.
Have a seat there.
There you go.
All right.
How y'all doin?! Hey! Good to see you, Lloyd.
Been a while, man.
We figured you'd given up the life.
Me? No! I love the life.
Vic, welcome to freedom.
- Who's the newb? This is Vic, my friend and employer.
The rat race got him down, so I figured he need to come out here and get a little R&R.
You know it's all good.
We gonn take good care of him.
No, he needs some time alone.
And that's why you know what I'm doing? I'm inviting everybody to Vic's apartment for a celebration.
All right.
That sounds good! Now, Vic, a few hours of fresh air and you'll feel like a million bucks.
And don't forget you gotta keep drinking.
That's the key keep drinking.
- Thank you, Lloyd.
- All right.
All right, everybody! Come on! Get in the car.
- Let's go! - All right.
Don't be shy.
Party! Party! Mnh-mnh, you can't put all that on me, Jesus.
And, anyway, I did the right thing I came clean, and I let him down easy.
I know, Ms.
Tudi, but the dude's still hurtin'.
And it was your fault I told you not to give him the sacred tomatoes without telling him.
Well, look everybody ain't divine and perfect like you, all right? I made a mistake.
But is it my fault that he's a drunk? Just come down there and talk to him with me.
I mean, right now, you probably the only person that can get through to the dude.
What's happening, everybody? You know, what's going on? Stan, Jerome, what's happening? What y'all been up to? Hey, man, you better get that gout checked out or you gonna die on Wednesday, man.
Where Lloyd at? There he is.
What the hell y'all doin' here? This is a private party.
Your name is are not on the guest list, so scoot.
Man, where Vic at, man? - Leave Vic alone.
Vic is mine.
We got a good thing going and I don't want you two to mess it up.
Man, you only taking advantage of that dude, man.
No, I'm not.
I'm his friend.
Probably his only friend.
Okay, this motherfucker's crazy.
You know what? I ain't got time for this shit.
Nigga, where's he at? Let me show you, ma'am.
- Mmm.
Omelets? - Mm-hmm.
How was work last night? - Work? You know, that's that's kind of a funny story.
Remember those morons a couple months ago who decided to break in to the horse stables just to steal the shit? And then then they accidentally let a bunch of horses escape? Remember? Oh, yeah.
I do remember that.
What ever happened with that? Did they ever find those horses? Oh, no, no, not all of them.
But I did manage to find a lead.
Oh, that's good, baby.
Let me show you something real quick.
Come here.
Come here real quick.
Yeah.
See, I started thinking to myself, "who do I know in the shit business? Who do I know that, a few months back, might need a significant amount of shit?" Hmm? - Who? That's a good question, baby.
Wait.
You're gonna love this.
Your Jesus put you up to this, didn't he? Put me up to what, baby? Do you have any idea what you've done? Hmm? - Baby, listen this is a big misunderstanding.
What happened was Jason! Jason! Jesus, help! Oh, my hair.
Fuck.
Damn.
Jason's in trouble.
Jason! Stop! Hop in, pimp! You ain't taking me in! God damn it, Jason! Get back here! Son of a bitch! - Hi, Dianne! God damn it! Shit! A te juro que te voy a matar! Jason! Is that Vic? Man, that nigga tore down.
I've been waiting for you all day.
Yeah, come on, Satan! Come on.
I'm not afraid of you! - Vic, what are you doing? - You happy now? Huh? This what you wanted to see? Vic hit rock bottom? Well, welcome to rock fucking bottom! Don't nobody want to see you like that, Vic.
Shit.
Vic, listen.
Come on, now.
You a real man.
You're one of the few real men left.
You work hard, you follow the rules, you don't take no shit from nobody.
I mean, that's what attracted me to you in the first place.
Vic, you are a pillar of this community.
And who knows? You know, maybe, one day, you and I, we can try this thing again.
But not as long as you hate my Jesus and my lifestyle.
I don't need your pity.
Or any more of your fucking tomato sauce.
Jason! So, this is the life you wanted? This is what you chose over me? Baby, I didn't choose nothing.
You committed a felony, Jason, and you were stupid enough to let me find out.
So now I have to take you in, or I'm an accessory after the fact.
I'm a fucking detective, Jason! - Dianne - Shut up! Shu I wanted to get married.
I wanted to have babies, and you choose this? Baby, you ain't tell nobody about the shoes, did you? Because if you didn't, then that mean don't nobody know.
Look, baby, I'm sorry I hurt you.
I really am.
I just wish that you would've at least come down to the garden at least one time to see me.
Listen to me, Jason.
I don't ever want to see you again.
Do you hear me? Here's your fucking sneakers.
Que tu fucking madre.
Mira, la próxima vez te voy a pasar con el carro.
Estúpido.
Idiota.
I don't understand, baby.
You mean to tell me that this nigga been dating a detective the whole time and nobody thought to tell me? Huh? Y'all some dumbass crooks, you know that? We almost got hemmed up! I can't believe this shit.
I swear to God.
Hey, wait a minute.
- Get off me, convict! - Hey, Vic, chill, man.
What's all these bums doing here?! Vic, you're back! Look, I got everything under control.
Here, have a little taste.
Got a update for you, Vic no hot water up here, still no internet, and look at all this shit, man! You trippin' with yourself.
I'm thinking no rent for at least a year.
Lloyd, what the hell is happening, man? Vic, just get a drink.
No, no.
I got a problem.
And I gotta face my problem.
I'm a pillar of the community.
People look up to me around here.
Vic, listen to me.
Don't listen to Jesus.
Why you want this man to become an alcoholic just because your ass one? Vic, facing your problems sober is not the way.
Trust me.
I'm telling you, the world can be so hard.
I used to be just like you, in the rat race, all stressed out.
Women, jobs and showers and bills.
I just gave up.
And look at me now.
Look how happy I am.
Look at this.
You see that? I want you to be just like me.
Let me tell you something changing your life is hard.
Drinking is easy.
Ha ha! Mr.
Maxwell! What the devil happened here? Vic! Lloyd, get Vic out of here now! You can't tell me what to do! That's that man boss, fool! Get him out of here! You don't want him to lose his job, do you? Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! I feel like I should be stepping over a murder weapon.
What's going on?! Where the heck is Vic? Mr.
Maxwell, I got some things I need to talk to you about.
First thing's the internet.
Jimmy Maxwell? Is that you, boy? Looking buff.
- I try to keep in shape.
Wait a minute.
Who the heck are you? - Oh, I'm just a drifter, man.
- Yeah, me, too.
But we heard the manager was sick, right? So we decided to invite some friends over and hang out.
Why not? - Vic is sick? How sick is he? Is he gonna be okay? Oh, it look pretty bad.
I mean, judging from the way he got airlifted up out of here I'm a Christian, and I don't wish no bad on nobody, but that dude right there, he runs a tight ship.
He don't want nobody to have no fun.
I'm talking about he's on top of everything.
Everything.
And I know you.
You live here, right? Is Vic really sick? Honestly.
Yeah, he's sick, man.
Well, I feel awful.
The poor guy.
Uh, next time you see him, have him give me a call.
Tell him I'm gonna bring some guys over to help him out with this place just 'til he gets back up on his feet again.
Oh, and, uh, Kareem, I'm gonna have the police stop by just to have a chat.
They're fun guys.
You'll get along with well with them.
In the meanwhile, stay, uh tight.
All right, everybody! Y'all got to get the heaven up out of here.
Let's go, y'all.
Come on, now, Vic.
Oh, man.
What a night, huh? Let's get a little tasty for you.
No, no, no taste, no taste.
Trust me this what you need.
Get a little taste.
That's some good tequila.
That's the good stuff.
Told you.
- Ahh.
That's water.
- Water? - Mm-hmm.
- What you mean water? Whoa! What the? This is That's what I tried to tell you.
What about this one? This is my grape wine.
Oh, God.
Oh! Oh, that's fucking water! Jesus! You turn my liquor to water?! Jesus! That's a miracle in reverse! Jesus, what are you doing?! I said, "I can't eat no peanuts on a piece of bread, man.
You got to smash it up or something.
" Because of you, we got peanut butter? - You know it.
- I like that.
Yeah.
Hey! That's my guy right there! That's my man! What's up, Vic? I see you looking like a million bucks, pimp! - Ah, look at you.
- Look at you.
Hey, look, I don't remember a lot from the last couple days, but I will say I remember you giving me some nice compliments.
Told me I was a pillar of the community.
I appreciate that.
Well, I meant it.
I meant it all, Vic.
Good.
'cause I bought you a little something.
What the hell is this? It's an eviction notice, compliments of myself and the Compton city councilman.
You was right I am a pillar of the community.
And you guys are bad people.
Bad for the community.
That's why me and the city, we want you out of here.
Soon as possible.
Especially you dusty-ass Bed, Bath & Beyond getup you been wearing.
Put some clothes on! Dress like a man.
Get your ass up out of here.
- Go ahead say it.
- Man, I told you so! I told you that nigga was gonna do that! - I ain't no nigga! - Oh, yeah, you's a nigga! God, I'm so glad I didn't give him none.
You still fucking Ms.
Tudi? - Watch your mouth, boy.
- I'm sorry.
- Shop ain't closed.
- Okay.