Black Monday (2019) s01e08 Episode Script
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1 It's Showtime tonight [MAN.]
Previously on Black Monday [BLAIR.]
Dawn, I'm really confused right now.
I want a divorce.
I'm distracted.
I keep losing focus over Dawn.
Love.
I thought you learned your lesson after Connie.
[BLAIR.]
I can't marry Tiff.
[MO.]
Of course you're gonna marry Tiff.
Why are you so invested in my relationship? Because I am literally invested.
Let's run the Georgina play.
Me and you.
Fuck you.
I'm gonna tell Tiff everything.
- [SCREAMS.]
- Tiff! [SMOOTH MUSIC.]
[MAN.]
Let's go, brother! I don't care about money too much Tens, twenty dollar bills and such I don't have a dollar to my name Hey, Roland.
And if you don't mind I'd like to stay the same - Roland! - Roland! - Hey, Roland! - Hey, Roland! I just don't worry about nothing, no I just don't worry I just don't worry about a doggone thing - No, no, no - [MAN.]
What's good, Roland? All right now [MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
I don't have me no car But you can bet I can get pretty far Hey, Roland.
I don't like to stay in any one town Don't worry No, I just don't worry about nothing, no Don't worry I just don't worry about a doggone thing No, no, no Unh [RAPID KNOCKING.]
[BLAIR.]
Dawn? [RAPID KNOCKING.]
You better stop banging on my door and knock like you got some sense.
[SOFT KNOCKING.]
What? Dawn, you're never gonna believe what happened.
- Tiff - [MAN ON TV.]
Tiffany Georgina, Manhattan socialite and heiress to the Georgina denim fortune, has been kidnapped - and held for ransom - [DAWN.]
Oh, my god.
And Princess Diana shakes hands with an AIDS patient without a glove.
- Blair, what's gonna happen? - [MAN ON TV.]
More at 11:00.
She's probably gonna die.
Oh, don't say that.
Okay, maybe maybe if the Georginas pay the ransom No, I was talking about Princess Diana.
I don't know what's gonna happen with Tiff.
The police have no leads and I hate to ask this, Dawn, but could Mo have done this? What? No! No.
No! Mo Mo is crazy, but what would make you think he would kidnap a person? He kidnapped me yesterday! Fair, but that was for fun.
I mean, they don't call it "kidding-napping" for n Nobody calls it kidding-napping, and he told me about the Georgina play, Dawn.
The what now? The Georgina play.
Oh, thank God, I knew you wouldn't know anything.
- Mm-mm.
- [SIGHS.]
Is Spencer here? Oh, well, not since I asked for a divorce last night.
Oh, God, we're really packing it in today.
- Yeah.
- Are you okay? Actually, yeah, I'm really okay.
Okay.
I-I wanna to get into all of this with you, but Mo has been playing me all along, Dawn, to take over Georgina.
- Well - And maybe, when I said no to joining him, he took to more drastic measures.
- Mm.
- What do tell the police - when they ask me about him? - Nothing.
I-if I tell them about the play, the police will think I'm involved, because who would believe I had no clue for months? Dawn, I can't go to prison.
Okay, well, then then you have to stall, okay? Mo didn't do this.
Just you know they got Calvin Klein's daughter back in nine hours.
You can stay strong for nine hours, can't you? [SYNTH MUSIC.]
- [SNIFFS.]
- Uh-uh.
Okay, so what's happening, then? What's happening now? You know, I I don't want to marry her, but that doesn't mean I want her Ripped into chunks.
- No.
- Look at me.
She's gonna be okay, all right? They're gonna find the guys that did this, and it's not gonna be Mo.
Are you sure? I'm sure.
A hundred percent.
[DAWN.]
What'd you do, you crazy fuck? Mo? Tiff! [JAUNTY MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Here we go, Black Panther Journal fresh off the press.
[HERBIE.]
My brothers and sisters, we want land.
- [MO.]
Yes.
- Brother, we want education.
- We want justice - That's right.
And we want peace.
Yeah, and a couple cold ones wouldn't hurt either.
- Am I right? - You got that right, bro.
If our oppressors won't listen, it's time our weapons speak for us.
Weapons? Oh, no.
Me and Herbie too pretty to go to jail.
You seen me, baby? I ain't just talking the talk.
You hear me? [CECIL.]
Connie, a word.
I don't know how they do things out in Baltimore, but out here, when you represent the party, you do not stoke violence, ever.
I'm sorry.
I'm new.
I'll just stick to spreading the word.
Extra! Extra! No one gives a shit about black folks! - [LAUGHTER.]
- [CONNIE.]
How's that? [LAUGHTER.]
You need to keep an eye on that one, young blood.
I'm definitely gonna keep an eye on her.
[LAUGHS.]
Excuse me, sis.
Uh, my name is Roland, but they call me Romantic.
Ah, so you the man in charge of potatoes.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, they do say I'm appealing.
That's good.
I'm Connie, and people call me, but only if they're very lucky.
- [LAUGHS.]
Power to the people.
- Power to the people! - - - - [JACKIE.]
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
We're gonna get this note to the precinct.
In the meantime, we're gonna do what they say, and wait on their call.
[JACKIE.]
Oh, I'm scared.
I'm scared, too for the kidnappers.
[BLAIR LAUGHS.]
'Cause Tiff is a fighter.
Just ask the last delivery guy who forgot our duck sauce.
[BLAIR.]
Why try humor, Blair? - You seem nervous.
- [BLAIR.]
Me? No, no.
So your fiancée has been kidnapped, but here you sit, cool as Ice-T on a summer's day.
I interrogated him last July.
Totally unflappable.
Confusing.
Detective, is there something we could be doing? Uh, uh, flyers, a phone tree? What's the age cutoff for that milk carton thingy? None of that stuff works, but we do.
Besides, seven out of ten times, it turns out to be the significant other.
You know, it says here you grew up in a trailer that your mom recently had to be cut out of? She's a bit of a gourmand.
Sounds pricey.
Well, so is the house I bought her, but I make a lot of money, and she outgrew the trailer literally.
Look, if it's not me, which it is not, then who is it the other three out of ten times? An enemy.
Someone the family owes money to.
Or it could just be a classic New York snatch, - kill, chop, and dump.
- [JACKIE QUAVERS.]
God.
Jesus Christ.
Don't you have any clues other than bitch boy here? - [BLAIR.]
Hey.
- [HENRI.]
Hey yourself.
The only snatch you've got in you is between your legs.
[BLAIR.]
Okay, it feels like we should spend a little more energy looking for possible suspects rather than just razzing old Blair here.
- You let 'em take my baby.
- I'm sorry.
- How could you let this happen? - I am sorry.
Settle down.
Settle down.
Look, I-I just gotta ask, do Tiff or any of you owe any large outstanding debt? Let me just say on the record, eww.
Okay.
Perhaps someone you know owes a lot of money, maybe, uh, nefarious types that you would not want to owe money to.
- Mo.
- [LESTER.]
What? No, no.
I said no.
[JAUNTY MUSIC.]
[MO.]
So you digging Cali? Ugh, Los Angeles bums me out.
But California's got surfing and swimming and skiing.
It's like a black folk's paradise.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Um You know the party kind of has a strict policy against violence and drugs? I wasn't offering it to the party.
I'm offering it to you, Roland.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
No, I'm cool.
I'm cool.
Apparently, you not.
Look, I know you mister party line, but you should try opening your mind every once in a while.
[MO.]
Hm.
What's it like? Mellows me out.
I don't know.
I'm not sure a square like you can handle it.
[SCOFFS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Square like me.
[LAUGHS.]
- [COUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
["MAKE BELIEVE WORLD" BY SANDY SZIGETI PLAYING.]
Oh, shit.
[MO.]
Oh.
[CONNIE.]
Let me help you out.
The wind is blowing Against my face Sun's beating down With its warm rays [UPBEAT SYNTH MUSIC.]
[KEITH.]
All right, we need to get a Oh, God! Are you in a freaking circle-jerk, again? [YASSIR.]
Dawn, we're not in a circle.
Learn your shapes.
God, Dawn.
Yeah, we're not gay, Dawn.
Then what the fuck am I looking at? Uh, it's simple.
We were out partying last night and we got into this debate about who has the biggest balls on the street Which led to a dick-measuring contest Which led to a pissing contest - Which led to a swordfight - [WAYNE.]
Which led to a cockfight Which led to me being up six grand until Wayne Ozzy'd the head off a live chicken.
- Chicken was cheating.
- I don't care.
Have any of you jerk-offs seen Mo? Yeah, he came in earlier, got something from the safe.
I don't know.
He's acting pretty weird.
[YASSIR.]
Although we were peeing in jars at the time.
Did he say where he was going? Yeah, to "upstate," like that's a real place.
[WAYNE.]
Well, let's get the scales and weigh 'em.
- We gotta settle this.
- [YASSIR.]
Yeah.
[YASSIR.]
Dawn, we have another jar, if you want to Actually, speaking of Black Sabbath, I gotta wrap this up.
I gotta hit the shul, so [BOTH.]
Good Shabbos.
[WOMAN.]
It's hour nine, - and still no sign of Tiffany Georgina.
- [BLAIR.]
I can't believe we still haven't heard anything.
Nope, don't worry.
Jackie's leaving no bottle left unturned.
Oh, stuff it, Henri.
Well, it's crazy out there.
If anybody knows anything, they'll come forward.
It's all over the news.
No press is bad press, right, Henri? [LESTER.]
All right, Blair, you mind if I talk to you out in the hallway? Yes I mean, no.
I mean, I don't mind.
I-I-I-I Now.
I hope you sell a lot of jeans.
Why is this my fault, Jackie? Take a chill pill.
I left them at home.
Where the fuck is she? Just tell me so we can start playing charades.
Don't you mean stop playing charades? No, I have a charades party to get to, but I can't until you start talking.
Are you trying to be purposefully misleading? Yes! Look, I already told you everything I know.
Oh, yeah? You didn't mention a certain smoking hot Afro-American.
I mean, I suppose Mo does have an undeniable raw sexuality, but I don't know what that has to do with this.
Mo? Is that another one of your side salads? What? This morning, my guys followed you to your girlfriend Dawn's house.
[SIGHS.]
Look, Dawn is my friend, and and my boss, and I was scared.
I just wanted somebody to talk to.
[LESTER.]
Look at it from my perspective.
A certain millionaire-ess goes missing, and suddenly, her white trash fiancé Okay, that's not how I would describe myself.
Is running into the arms of his Nubian princess.
- Or her.
- Look, I did you a favor, and I did not mention that in front of Tiff's parents, because I think they've been through enough already, but now you can do me a favor and [GASPS.]
Oh.
Whoa.
What's happening? Oh, God.
Really? Three words.
First word.
Sounds like "Itsy-Bitsy Spider.
" Vitamin.
Medicine.
- Tiny little medicine.
- [LESTER SIGHS.]
Little yellow different better Nuprin! The [EXHALES FORCEFULLY.]
The police attacked Deacon Richards last night.
- [WOMAN.]
What? - [CECIL.]
And three others they mistook for Deacon Richards due to their incompetence and/or racism, so obviously, we need to send a message here.
- That's right.
- Mm-hmm.
So we're planning our most zealous bake sale ever - to raise funds for his legal defense.
- [SCOFFS.]
Is something on your mind, Ms.
Upshaw? Just the scoff, thanks.
- [CECIL.]
Okay.
- Maybe take it easy, baby.
- [MO.]
Okay? Be cool.
- So as I was saying - This is madness.
- Ugh.
The whole world's gone upside-down, and your solution is to make upside-down cake? Mm-hmm, 'cause we are trying You're not trying hard enough.
- [CONNIE.]
Look - Get down.
It's time we start fighting fire with firepower.
- Ha! - So if any of y'all want to effect some real change for a change, come with me.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
I'm talking to you.
[WHISPERING.]
Go now? Roland Ah Sorry, Herb.
Okay, two people.
That's okay.
The point is all right, now hold on, people.
Brother, sister - - Scrub.
Sweep.
Shuffle.
Shuffle off to Buffalo! We Wax on, wax off.
Karate Kid! Nuprin! Spill the beans! Well, how would I know that? Sounds like pill! [BLAIR.]
I don't [SIGHS.]
Fuck! They called.
Yes! [JACKIE.]
My baby's gonna be okay.
- They just want a hundred grand.
- Yeah, thank God.
You know, it's times like this that you realize there's nothing more important than money.
We couldn't have gotten through this without money.
[JACKIE.]
They're gonna call back in a little while with a place to drop it and then they're gonna put her on a subway somewhere.
Tiff ain't gonna like that.
Well, we have to sneak a tracking device into this bag ASAP.
Do you have any hard-case luggage? We've got some at the house.
Blair, go grab a Louis.
I'll get our bodyguard to bring the cash here.
[JACKIE.]
And while you're there, get my chill pills.
They're in the bedroom and the hall, and and the kitchen, and the other bedrooms, and all the bathrooms, and anything with a pocket! All right, if anybody's having any doubts, now's your chance to beat feet.
This is this is my no doubt This when I do this, it's like, "Mm-mm.
No doubts.
" All right.
Okay, we gonna kidnap Governor Ronald Reagan, and until the demands of the Panther Ten-Point Platform are met, we gonna keep that bastard in chains.
[MO.]
Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
Come on, kidnapping? [MO LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Okay, sure, did Reagan turn his friends in for being Communist sympathizers and send the California Highway Patrol to the Berkeley campus to occupy it by indiscriminately shooting shotguns into the crowd because he thought the campus had become a safe haven for sex deviants and protesters and radicals, and do all of his movies suck, except for 1964's The Killers, you know, perhaps because it was the one time he played a villain, perhaps because he actually is one in real life? Yeah.
But kidnapping? I like it.
Yeah, let's do it.
[CONNIE.]
A'ight, so here's how it's going to go down.
So this is a map of downtown Sacramento, 11 blocks from the governor's mansion.
Every last Thursday of the month, The Gipper kisses Nancy good-bye, slips his security detail, and sneaks off to a local theater to catch a movie.
Lucky for us, the theater creates a perfect bottleneck.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
I got you.
Here.
Here.
Let's go! [SYNTH AND BASS MUSIC.]
[OWL HOOTS.]
[COYOTE HOWLS.]
Governor Reagan! Mo? No press is bad press.
Mo! Mo, what the fuck are you doing? Governor Reagan! Not exactly.
[AGENTS.]
FBI! FBI! FBI! FBI! [MAN.]
Get 'em up! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[DESOLATE MUSIC.]
["I SHALL BE RELEASED" PLAYING.]
They say everything Can be replaced They say every distance Is not near So I remember Every face Of every man What the fuck, Connie? Huh? Agh! You fuckin' sold us out, bitch! Agh! Come shining I told you, I got you.
From the west down to the east Any day now Any day now I shall be released They say every man needs protection I'm Rod Jaminski.
They say every man must fall But you can call me Jammer.
[DAWN.]
Mo! Mo, what the fuck are you doing? Jesus Christ! What the fuck are you doing? Is that Tiff? My God! I swear to God, Mo, I will okay, well, I won't shoot you, 'cause I can't, but I will push you in this water! Dawn, Dawn, what the fuck are you are you high? What do you mean? Why would this be Tiff? W she got kidnapped! Okay, first of all, huh? And second of all, you think that I kidnapped Tiff, and then killed her, and burned her up and stuck her in a fucking jar today? - All right, no.
- [MO.]
Jesus.
I guess I deserved that on some level, but still, Jesus.
Sorry.
You know, I'm sorry.
I knew it wasn't you, but I just when I couldn't find you, and-and and then the lake house and Dawn, this is my friend, Rod Jaminski, all right? - I'm sorry, Mo.
- He just died.
Okay, you want to stop waving the fucking gun around, please? Can I get back to paying my respects? Sorry.
Oh, hail the power of Jesus Uh, Rod Rod Rod was Jewish.
Copy that.
Hava na Yeah, I should've seen that coming.
No singing.
Just don't sing.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- - [ENERGETIC SYNTH MUSIC.]
I found these at the Georginas' apartment.
They must have kidnapped Tiff themselves, maybe for the press.
Calvin Klein's brand took off after his daughter got taken.
[SIGHS.]
Stay here.
[LESTER.]
Okay, Georginas, enough! [JACKIE.]
He wanted me in the family business! [JAUNTY MUSIC.]
Jammer wanted you to have it.
[LAUGHS.]
"Fuck 'em all.
" You got that right, Jammer.
Can't believe you guys are keeping him in here 14 years on securities fraud.
Securities fraud? Uh, is that what he told you? The guy murdered his business partner.
[GUARD LAUGHS.]
Fuck out of here.
Here's to you, buddy.
So who was this dude? Ah, he was my neighbor for a long time, a long time ago.
Mm, sorry, Mo-Mo.
[MELANCHOLY SYNTH MUSIC.]
Taught me everything I know.
Not everything.
Oh, you mean sex stuff.
- Mm.
- [LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
- [JACKIE.]
I was right! - [HENRI.]
But not this way.
[JACKIE.]
All you guys are crooks.
You said you wanted me to take a more active role in the business.
You got a lot of balls, Jackie.
[JACKIE.]
Well, at least one of us does.
Great news.
It wasn't the Georginas.
Turns out those magazines are for a craft project that Tiff did in junior high on Patty Hearst.
That's pretty unbelievable, right? It's totally unbelievable.
Even better news: kidnappers called.
They let Tiff go, so, uh, case closed, I guess.
[WHISTLING.]
[DRAMATIC SYNTH MUSIC.]
[DAWN.]
Morning.
Did we Cartwheel 69? [LAUGHS.]
You wish.
What I was gonna ask was did we kill that bottle? I need the hair of the dog.
We? You killed it.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So, yo, Tiff's kidnapping? All the publicity made the stock really shoot through the roof across the pond.
- It's gonna open big.
- Wow.
Yeah? - Yeah.
- Good.
I'm gonna sell it.
Huh? Yeah, we'll make a little profit.
Then we'll be through with this whole Georgina bullshit.
I mean, those brother-fuckers are right.
This thing's goddamn cursed.
Yeah, but we're so close, Mo.
Yeah, we were, but it's all fucked up now.
I mean I told Blair everything.
Why? I genuinely like the kid.
I mean, we almost died together.
That's gotta count for something.
Mm.
And he wasn't gonna marry Tiff anyway.
I thought maybe he would work with us, but fucking kid hates me now.
Welcome to the club, right? Don't sell shit, Mo.
I can save the Georgina play.
How? Well, Blair called me in the middle of the night, and he told me Tiff's parents were the ones who had her kidnapped.
[LAUGHS.]
No, I know, I know.
To drive the stock up.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- Yeah, and now he's pissed.
Pissed enough to to work with me? No, but but, you know, enough to work with me.
You're right.
You know, Blair you know, Blair wasn't gonna marry Tiff, because, uh, well [SIGHS.]
Because he's in love with me.
[LAUGHS.]
Oops.
And, um And, um And I think that I'm falling for him, too.
[SIGHS.]
["I SHALL BE RELEASED" PLAYING.]
Ah.
You know how to get out of here, right? Any day now Any day now I shall be Released [SMOOTH SYNTH MUSIC.]
Previously on Black Monday [BLAIR.]
Dawn, I'm really confused right now.
I want a divorce.
I'm distracted.
I keep losing focus over Dawn.
Love.
I thought you learned your lesson after Connie.
[BLAIR.]
I can't marry Tiff.
[MO.]
Of course you're gonna marry Tiff.
Why are you so invested in my relationship? Because I am literally invested.
Let's run the Georgina play.
Me and you.
Fuck you.
I'm gonna tell Tiff everything.
- [SCREAMS.]
- Tiff! [SMOOTH MUSIC.]
[MAN.]
Let's go, brother! I don't care about money too much Tens, twenty dollar bills and such I don't have a dollar to my name Hey, Roland.
And if you don't mind I'd like to stay the same - Roland! - Roland! - Hey, Roland! - Hey, Roland! I just don't worry about nothing, no I just don't worry I just don't worry about a doggone thing - No, no, no - [MAN.]
What's good, Roland? All right now [MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
I don't have me no car But you can bet I can get pretty far Hey, Roland.
I don't like to stay in any one town Don't worry No, I just don't worry about nothing, no Don't worry I just don't worry about a doggone thing No, no, no Unh [RAPID KNOCKING.]
[BLAIR.]
Dawn? [RAPID KNOCKING.]
You better stop banging on my door and knock like you got some sense.
[SOFT KNOCKING.]
What? Dawn, you're never gonna believe what happened.
- Tiff - [MAN ON TV.]
Tiffany Georgina, Manhattan socialite and heiress to the Georgina denim fortune, has been kidnapped - and held for ransom - [DAWN.]
Oh, my god.
And Princess Diana shakes hands with an AIDS patient without a glove.
- Blair, what's gonna happen? - [MAN ON TV.]
More at 11:00.
She's probably gonna die.
Oh, don't say that.
Okay, maybe maybe if the Georginas pay the ransom No, I was talking about Princess Diana.
I don't know what's gonna happen with Tiff.
The police have no leads and I hate to ask this, Dawn, but could Mo have done this? What? No! No.
No! Mo Mo is crazy, but what would make you think he would kidnap a person? He kidnapped me yesterday! Fair, but that was for fun.
I mean, they don't call it "kidding-napping" for n Nobody calls it kidding-napping, and he told me about the Georgina play, Dawn.
The what now? The Georgina play.
Oh, thank God, I knew you wouldn't know anything.
- Mm-mm.
- [SIGHS.]
Is Spencer here? Oh, well, not since I asked for a divorce last night.
Oh, God, we're really packing it in today.
- Yeah.
- Are you okay? Actually, yeah, I'm really okay.
Okay.
I-I wanna to get into all of this with you, but Mo has been playing me all along, Dawn, to take over Georgina.
- Well - And maybe, when I said no to joining him, he took to more drastic measures.
- Mm.
- What do tell the police - when they ask me about him? - Nothing.
I-if I tell them about the play, the police will think I'm involved, because who would believe I had no clue for months? Dawn, I can't go to prison.
Okay, well, then then you have to stall, okay? Mo didn't do this.
Just you know they got Calvin Klein's daughter back in nine hours.
You can stay strong for nine hours, can't you? [SYNTH MUSIC.]
- [SNIFFS.]
- Uh-uh.
Okay, so what's happening, then? What's happening now? You know, I I don't want to marry her, but that doesn't mean I want her Ripped into chunks.
- No.
- Look at me.
She's gonna be okay, all right? They're gonna find the guys that did this, and it's not gonna be Mo.
Are you sure? I'm sure.
A hundred percent.
[DAWN.]
What'd you do, you crazy fuck? Mo? Tiff! [JAUNTY MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Here we go, Black Panther Journal fresh off the press.
[HERBIE.]
My brothers and sisters, we want land.
- [MO.]
Yes.
- Brother, we want education.
- We want justice - That's right.
And we want peace.
Yeah, and a couple cold ones wouldn't hurt either.
- Am I right? - You got that right, bro.
If our oppressors won't listen, it's time our weapons speak for us.
Weapons? Oh, no.
Me and Herbie too pretty to go to jail.
You seen me, baby? I ain't just talking the talk.
You hear me? [CECIL.]
Connie, a word.
I don't know how they do things out in Baltimore, but out here, when you represent the party, you do not stoke violence, ever.
I'm sorry.
I'm new.
I'll just stick to spreading the word.
Extra! Extra! No one gives a shit about black folks! - [LAUGHTER.]
- [CONNIE.]
How's that? [LAUGHTER.]
You need to keep an eye on that one, young blood.
I'm definitely gonna keep an eye on her.
[LAUGHS.]
Excuse me, sis.
Uh, my name is Roland, but they call me Romantic.
Ah, so you the man in charge of potatoes.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, they do say I'm appealing.
That's good.
I'm Connie, and people call me, but only if they're very lucky.
- [LAUGHS.]
Power to the people.
- Power to the people! - - - - [JACKIE.]
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
We're gonna get this note to the precinct.
In the meantime, we're gonna do what they say, and wait on their call.
[JACKIE.]
Oh, I'm scared.
I'm scared, too for the kidnappers.
[BLAIR LAUGHS.]
'Cause Tiff is a fighter.
Just ask the last delivery guy who forgot our duck sauce.
[BLAIR.]
Why try humor, Blair? - You seem nervous.
- [BLAIR.]
Me? No, no.
So your fiancée has been kidnapped, but here you sit, cool as Ice-T on a summer's day.
I interrogated him last July.
Totally unflappable.
Confusing.
Detective, is there something we could be doing? Uh, uh, flyers, a phone tree? What's the age cutoff for that milk carton thingy? None of that stuff works, but we do.
Besides, seven out of ten times, it turns out to be the significant other.
You know, it says here you grew up in a trailer that your mom recently had to be cut out of? She's a bit of a gourmand.
Sounds pricey.
Well, so is the house I bought her, but I make a lot of money, and she outgrew the trailer literally.
Look, if it's not me, which it is not, then who is it the other three out of ten times? An enemy.
Someone the family owes money to.
Or it could just be a classic New York snatch, - kill, chop, and dump.
- [JACKIE QUAVERS.]
God.
Jesus Christ.
Don't you have any clues other than bitch boy here? - [BLAIR.]
Hey.
- [HENRI.]
Hey yourself.
The only snatch you've got in you is between your legs.
[BLAIR.]
Okay, it feels like we should spend a little more energy looking for possible suspects rather than just razzing old Blair here.
- You let 'em take my baby.
- I'm sorry.
- How could you let this happen? - I am sorry.
Settle down.
Settle down.
Look, I-I just gotta ask, do Tiff or any of you owe any large outstanding debt? Let me just say on the record, eww.
Okay.
Perhaps someone you know owes a lot of money, maybe, uh, nefarious types that you would not want to owe money to.
- Mo.
- [LESTER.]
What? No, no.
I said no.
[JAUNTY MUSIC.]
[MO.]
So you digging Cali? Ugh, Los Angeles bums me out.
But California's got surfing and swimming and skiing.
It's like a black folk's paradise.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Um You know the party kind of has a strict policy against violence and drugs? I wasn't offering it to the party.
I'm offering it to you, Roland.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
No, I'm cool.
I'm cool.
Apparently, you not.
Look, I know you mister party line, but you should try opening your mind every once in a while.
[MO.]
Hm.
What's it like? Mellows me out.
I don't know.
I'm not sure a square like you can handle it.
[SCOFFS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Square like me.
[LAUGHS.]
- [COUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
["MAKE BELIEVE WORLD" BY SANDY SZIGETI PLAYING.]
Oh, shit.
[MO.]
Oh.
[CONNIE.]
Let me help you out.
The wind is blowing Against my face Sun's beating down With its warm rays [UPBEAT SYNTH MUSIC.]
[KEITH.]
All right, we need to get a Oh, God! Are you in a freaking circle-jerk, again? [YASSIR.]
Dawn, we're not in a circle.
Learn your shapes.
God, Dawn.
Yeah, we're not gay, Dawn.
Then what the fuck am I looking at? Uh, it's simple.
We were out partying last night and we got into this debate about who has the biggest balls on the street Which led to a dick-measuring contest Which led to a pissing contest - Which led to a swordfight - [WAYNE.]
Which led to a cockfight Which led to me being up six grand until Wayne Ozzy'd the head off a live chicken.
- Chicken was cheating.
- I don't care.
Have any of you jerk-offs seen Mo? Yeah, he came in earlier, got something from the safe.
I don't know.
He's acting pretty weird.
[YASSIR.]
Although we were peeing in jars at the time.
Did he say where he was going? Yeah, to "upstate," like that's a real place.
[WAYNE.]
Well, let's get the scales and weigh 'em.
- We gotta settle this.
- [YASSIR.]
Yeah.
[YASSIR.]
Dawn, we have another jar, if you want to Actually, speaking of Black Sabbath, I gotta wrap this up.
I gotta hit the shul, so [BOTH.]
Good Shabbos.
[WOMAN.]
It's hour nine, - and still no sign of Tiffany Georgina.
- [BLAIR.]
I can't believe we still haven't heard anything.
Nope, don't worry.
Jackie's leaving no bottle left unturned.
Oh, stuff it, Henri.
Well, it's crazy out there.
If anybody knows anything, they'll come forward.
It's all over the news.
No press is bad press, right, Henri? [LESTER.]
All right, Blair, you mind if I talk to you out in the hallway? Yes I mean, no.
I mean, I don't mind.
I-I-I-I Now.
I hope you sell a lot of jeans.
Why is this my fault, Jackie? Take a chill pill.
I left them at home.
Where the fuck is she? Just tell me so we can start playing charades.
Don't you mean stop playing charades? No, I have a charades party to get to, but I can't until you start talking.
Are you trying to be purposefully misleading? Yes! Look, I already told you everything I know.
Oh, yeah? You didn't mention a certain smoking hot Afro-American.
I mean, I suppose Mo does have an undeniable raw sexuality, but I don't know what that has to do with this.
Mo? Is that another one of your side salads? What? This morning, my guys followed you to your girlfriend Dawn's house.
[SIGHS.]
Look, Dawn is my friend, and and my boss, and I was scared.
I just wanted somebody to talk to.
[LESTER.]
Look at it from my perspective.
A certain millionaire-ess goes missing, and suddenly, her white trash fiancé Okay, that's not how I would describe myself.
Is running into the arms of his Nubian princess.
- Or her.
- Look, I did you a favor, and I did not mention that in front of Tiff's parents, because I think they've been through enough already, but now you can do me a favor and [GASPS.]
Oh.
Whoa.
What's happening? Oh, God.
Really? Three words.
First word.
Sounds like "Itsy-Bitsy Spider.
" Vitamin.
Medicine.
- Tiny little medicine.
- [LESTER SIGHS.]
Little yellow different better Nuprin! The [EXHALES FORCEFULLY.]
The police attacked Deacon Richards last night.
- [WOMAN.]
What? - [CECIL.]
And three others they mistook for Deacon Richards due to their incompetence and/or racism, so obviously, we need to send a message here.
- That's right.
- Mm-hmm.
So we're planning our most zealous bake sale ever - to raise funds for his legal defense.
- [SCOFFS.]
Is something on your mind, Ms.
Upshaw? Just the scoff, thanks.
- [CECIL.]
Okay.
- Maybe take it easy, baby.
- [MO.]
Okay? Be cool.
- So as I was saying - This is madness.
- Ugh.
The whole world's gone upside-down, and your solution is to make upside-down cake? Mm-hmm, 'cause we are trying You're not trying hard enough.
- [CONNIE.]
Look - Get down.
It's time we start fighting fire with firepower.
- Ha! - So if any of y'all want to effect some real change for a change, come with me.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
I'm talking to you.
[WHISPERING.]
Go now? Roland Ah Sorry, Herb.
Okay, two people.
That's okay.
The point is all right, now hold on, people.
Brother, sister - - Scrub.
Sweep.
Shuffle.
Shuffle off to Buffalo! We Wax on, wax off.
Karate Kid! Nuprin! Spill the beans! Well, how would I know that? Sounds like pill! [BLAIR.]
I don't [SIGHS.]
Fuck! They called.
Yes! [JACKIE.]
My baby's gonna be okay.
- They just want a hundred grand.
- Yeah, thank God.
You know, it's times like this that you realize there's nothing more important than money.
We couldn't have gotten through this without money.
[JACKIE.]
They're gonna call back in a little while with a place to drop it and then they're gonna put her on a subway somewhere.
Tiff ain't gonna like that.
Well, we have to sneak a tracking device into this bag ASAP.
Do you have any hard-case luggage? We've got some at the house.
Blair, go grab a Louis.
I'll get our bodyguard to bring the cash here.
[JACKIE.]
And while you're there, get my chill pills.
They're in the bedroom and the hall, and and the kitchen, and the other bedrooms, and all the bathrooms, and anything with a pocket! All right, if anybody's having any doubts, now's your chance to beat feet.
This is this is my no doubt This when I do this, it's like, "Mm-mm.
No doubts.
" All right.
Okay, we gonna kidnap Governor Ronald Reagan, and until the demands of the Panther Ten-Point Platform are met, we gonna keep that bastard in chains.
[MO.]
Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
Come on, kidnapping? [MO LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Okay, sure, did Reagan turn his friends in for being Communist sympathizers and send the California Highway Patrol to the Berkeley campus to occupy it by indiscriminately shooting shotguns into the crowd because he thought the campus had become a safe haven for sex deviants and protesters and radicals, and do all of his movies suck, except for 1964's The Killers, you know, perhaps because it was the one time he played a villain, perhaps because he actually is one in real life? Yeah.
But kidnapping? I like it.
Yeah, let's do it.
[CONNIE.]
A'ight, so here's how it's going to go down.
So this is a map of downtown Sacramento, 11 blocks from the governor's mansion.
Every last Thursday of the month, The Gipper kisses Nancy good-bye, slips his security detail, and sneaks off to a local theater to catch a movie.
Lucky for us, the theater creates a perfect bottleneck.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
I got you.
Here.
Here.
Let's go! [SYNTH AND BASS MUSIC.]
[OWL HOOTS.]
[COYOTE HOWLS.]
Governor Reagan! Mo? No press is bad press.
Mo! Mo, what the fuck are you doing? Governor Reagan! Not exactly.
[AGENTS.]
FBI! FBI! FBI! FBI! [MAN.]
Get 'em up! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[DESOLATE MUSIC.]
["I SHALL BE RELEASED" PLAYING.]
They say everything Can be replaced They say every distance Is not near So I remember Every face Of every man What the fuck, Connie? Huh? Agh! You fuckin' sold us out, bitch! Agh! Come shining I told you, I got you.
From the west down to the east Any day now Any day now I shall be released They say every man needs protection I'm Rod Jaminski.
They say every man must fall But you can call me Jammer.
[DAWN.]
Mo! Mo, what the fuck are you doing? Jesus Christ! What the fuck are you doing? Is that Tiff? My God! I swear to God, Mo, I will okay, well, I won't shoot you, 'cause I can't, but I will push you in this water! Dawn, Dawn, what the fuck are you are you high? What do you mean? Why would this be Tiff? W she got kidnapped! Okay, first of all, huh? And second of all, you think that I kidnapped Tiff, and then killed her, and burned her up and stuck her in a fucking jar today? - All right, no.
- [MO.]
Jesus.
I guess I deserved that on some level, but still, Jesus.
Sorry.
You know, I'm sorry.
I knew it wasn't you, but I just when I couldn't find you, and-and and then the lake house and Dawn, this is my friend, Rod Jaminski, all right? - I'm sorry, Mo.
- He just died.
Okay, you want to stop waving the fucking gun around, please? Can I get back to paying my respects? Sorry.
Oh, hail the power of Jesus Uh, Rod Rod Rod was Jewish.
Copy that.
Hava na Yeah, I should've seen that coming.
No singing.
Just don't sing.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- - [ENERGETIC SYNTH MUSIC.]
I found these at the Georginas' apartment.
They must have kidnapped Tiff themselves, maybe for the press.
Calvin Klein's brand took off after his daughter got taken.
[SIGHS.]
Stay here.
[LESTER.]
Okay, Georginas, enough! [JACKIE.]
He wanted me in the family business! [JAUNTY MUSIC.]
Jammer wanted you to have it.
[LAUGHS.]
"Fuck 'em all.
" You got that right, Jammer.
Can't believe you guys are keeping him in here 14 years on securities fraud.
Securities fraud? Uh, is that what he told you? The guy murdered his business partner.
[GUARD LAUGHS.]
Fuck out of here.
Here's to you, buddy.
So who was this dude? Ah, he was my neighbor for a long time, a long time ago.
Mm, sorry, Mo-Mo.
[MELANCHOLY SYNTH MUSIC.]
Taught me everything I know.
Not everything.
Oh, you mean sex stuff.
- Mm.
- [LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
- [JACKIE.]
I was right! - [HENRI.]
But not this way.
[JACKIE.]
All you guys are crooks.
You said you wanted me to take a more active role in the business.
You got a lot of balls, Jackie.
[JACKIE.]
Well, at least one of us does.
Great news.
It wasn't the Georginas.
Turns out those magazines are for a craft project that Tiff did in junior high on Patty Hearst.
That's pretty unbelievable, right? It's totally unbelievable.
Even better news: kidnappers called.
They let Tiff go, so, uh, case closed, I guess.
[WHISTLING.]
[DRAMATIC SYNTH MUSIC.]
[DAWN.]
Morning.
Did we Cartwheel 69? [LAUGHS.]
You wish.
What I was gonna ask was did we kill that bottle? I need the hair of the dog.
We? You killed it.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So, yo, Tiff's kidnapping? All the publicity made the stock really shoot through the roof across the pond.
- It's gonna open big.
- Wow.
Yeah? - Yeah.
- Good.
I'm gonna sell it.
Huh? Yeah, we'll make a little profit.
Then we'll be through with this whole Georgina bullshit.
I mean, those brother-fuckers are right.
This thing's goddamn cursed.
Yeah, but we're so close, Mo.
Yeah, we were, but it's all fucked up now.
I mean I told Blair everything.
Why? I genuinely like the kid.
I mean, we almost died together.
That's gotta count for something.
Mm.
And he wasn't gonna marry Tiff anyway.
I thought maybe he would work with us, but fucking kid hates me now.
Welcome to the club, right? Don't sell shit, Mo.
I can save the Georgina play.
How? Well, Blair called me in the middle of the night, and he told me Tiff's parents were the ones who had her kidnapped.
[LAUGHS.]
No, I know, I know.
To drive the stock up.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- Yeah, and now he's pissed.
Pissed enough to to work with me? No, but but, you know, enough to work with me.
You're right.
You know, Blair you know, Blair wasn't gonna marry Tiff, because, uh, well [SIGHS.]
Because he's in love with me.
[LAUGHS.]
Oops.
And, um And, um And I think that I'm falling for him, too.
[SIGHS.]
["I SHALL BE RELEASED" PLAYING.]
Ah.
You know how to get out of here, right? Any day now Any day now I shall be Released [SMOOTH SYNTH MUSIC.]