Bless the Harts (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

1 [heavenly music plays.]
So it's almost Thanksgiving.
And you know what that means BOTH: Black Friday Eve! What are you gonna buy? [sighs.]
Violet doesn't want to do our normal thing this year.
She's got some crazy idea of doing something different this Thanksgiving.
Oh, Violet and her beautiful, wild imagination.
- So what does she want to do? - She thinks we should just sit around and eat a big turkey dinner and talk to each other and give thanks.
- Whaaat? - I know, right? Violet doesn't get what Thanksgiving's really about: wolfing down your food as fast as you can, freezing your ass off in line at the Mega-Lo-Mart until midnight, and then stampeding in to fight your friends and neighbors for unheard-of savings on brand-name products.
[laughs.]
Oh, I'm gonna miss it so bad this year.
But I guess we'll just do a traditional Thanksgiving.
You know what drives me a little crazy about Thanksgiving? No one thinks about their grace until the last minute, and then it's just all over the place.
It's like spiritual tax day, and I'm the only accountant.
Not to mention the fact that everyone starts with, "Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful meal," and that's the one part I didn't do! It's like, thank your freakin' mom, people.
- Preach! - I am.
[title music.]
[music.]
- [Betty sighs.]
- VIOLET: Mm.
[sniffs.]
Ah.
[sniffs.]
Isn't this lovely? Doesn't it feel nice to just sit down together? Share this very nice meal? Hmm.
[Wayne clears throat.]
This is already better than wrestling with strangers - over a robot vacuum cleaner.
- Oh! Are those on sale? - Mom - BETTY: Yep.
Feels great to do it your way this year, Violet.
- Does it? - Mm, Bible, Bible, Bible, Bible.
John's 3:16s.
Holy Ghost.
Oh, Lord, just let me have a taste of my sweet, sweet door busters circular.
Crock-Pots are buy one get one free.
I'll tell you what's a crock, this Thanksgiving.
Practically everything's half off.
Martha Steward bedspreads Pleat-front cargo capris by Michael Kors Over-the-ear noise-cancelling headphones by Skullcandy.
Oh, come on, you guys.
See you never, Jean Naté After-Bath Splash with Moisture Replenishing Complex Gift Set by Jovan.
[inhales.]
Okay.
Well, let us pray.
Dear Heavenly Father [inhales.]
Please bless us, this beautiful family.
And, Lord, please bless our loved ones who have passed on.
Let's see George Michaels, Jim Varney, aka "Hey, Vern.
" Um, who else who else? Oh, Mork from Ork.
Sears, Roy Clarkson oh, Macho Randy Savage, Princess Leias, of course.
Let's see, what else? I'm thankful that stars are just like us.
- I'm thankful for those who wore it best.
- Just say amen.
Just say amen.
- Amen, Mother.
Say amen.
- And praying for those who did not.
- Amen.
Say amen.
- Plus, bless our troops.
May this be their last year in the Middle East.
And please, please, bring Randy Quaid back to us, how he was.
- Thank you, amen.
- Good Lord! That was insane.
Mother, your grace took so long, the gravy grew skin.
Ugh, let me nuke it real quick.
- Who wants to hit the lights and TV? - I'll do it.
And that's a go for nuke-a-fication.
Okay, here we go.
[zapping.]
[microwave bell dings.]
- JENNY: Ouch! - That microwave is gonna turn us all into Myrtle Streebs from Silkwood.
Yeah, it melted my acrylics the other night.
You know what? This stops now.
I'm gonna fix that microwave right quick.
[sighs.]
Remember the Thanksgiving when we first bought this microwave? - Black Friday, ten years ago.
- Yeah.
Unbelievable.
This family has worshipped Black Friday for so long, there's folklore about it.
Oh, hush.
It's actually a really beautiful story.
[inhales deeply.]
Violet, you were just a toddler - BETTY: Bless Britney and Kevin Fenderleen, - Mm.
Mm.
may their love endure for many centuries to come.
Bless the troops, may this be their last year in the Middle East.
Thank you, Lord, for Randy Quaid's dramatic turn in Brokeback Mountains.
Boy, is he on a hot streak that just will not end.
- Amen.
- Okay, bag it up.
- White meat or dark meat? - Both.
Cranberry sauce? [music.]
Are you really asking me that? Oh, don't forget the potatoes.
Jenny, I'm not gonna forget the potatoes.
Ah.
JENNY: Good turkey this year, Mother.
Haven't gotten there yet.
I'm still tunneling through - this green bean casserole.
- Mm.
Uh-oh, my spork punctured the gravy bag.
Gonna have to suck it out like an astronaut.
[slurping.]
You put a dumb sale ahead of your child, your grandchild? Listen, you were safe and sound in your stroller.
And you ate almost an entire baggie of green bean casserole.
- You loved it.
- WAYNE: Okay.
And it is fixed.
[whirring.]
Well, now it does that.
Oh, look at her.
- BETTY: Ooh.
- JENNY: It's even got a carousel.
And you know what that means? Even heat.
Jenny! What item are you ready to die for tonight? Oh, well, I'm here to snag me a microwave.
I cannot wait to knock some noggins together.
My dream is that it gets so crazy in there that I can just loot.
- I didn't even bring my wallet.
- MAN: Mona? - Brenda, look at that guy, y'all.
- Mona? Mona? Mona? The most fake-ass name I've ever heard in my life.
- He's about to cut.
- Mona? Mona? On it! - No cutting.
[grunts.]
- Mona? [grunts.]
We all know there's no Mona.
Back of the line.
- Mona? - Shut up.
BETTY: Oh, y'all.
All the crazies have come out tonight.
- What's the plan, baby? - JENNY: We're gonna bypass electronics 'cause there's gonna be a big log jam right here with the flat-screen melees.
So, we're gonna take the northern route towards appliances by zig-zagging through maternity, 'cause those ladies are slow; then, we're heading to intimates to kitchenwares - via the garden center.
Boom! - Very clever, Jenny.
- I taught you well.
- And then it's just a straight shot over to women's footwear.
Where I'm gonna pick me up a timeless pair of pink UGG-ugs.
Mother, they're just called UGGs.
UGG-ug-ree to disagree.
But it doesn't matter.
We got this.
[clap.]
- Up high, Violet.
- [snoring.]
Aw baby's first turkey coma.
[music.]
I can't believe it, my babies! I'm very first in line.
I've been here for four days.
[beeping.]
[air horn blowing.]
[all shouting.]
[music.]
Help! I'm pinned! I was immediately pinned.
[shouting continues.]
- Ugh.
- Hey.
Watch it.
Watch it, dumbass! Lady with a baby! Son of a sporting goods? That should be beauty and personal care.
[gasps.]
They rearranged the whole store! Oh, corporate butts.
[grunts.]
Don't fight it.
Just swim with the tide, y'all.
- Good luck with your UGGs! - BETTY: It's UGG-ugs! Behold! Capitalism at its worst! Or is it capitalism at its best? - [yelling.]
- [crazed laughing.]
Come to Mama.
- Ooh! - Ooh! Crystalynn! So nice to see you.
But it looks like you're mistakenly clutching something that belongs to me.
Betty, our Lord and Savior really did bless you [chuckling.]
with a wonderful sense of humor.
- Now let go of my UGG-ugs.
- Cut it, Crystalynn.
I don't have time for these fake niceties.
And I don't have time not to be with my UGG-ugs.
Now please get your dirty, sooty racoon paws off my UGG-ugs.
- They're my UGG-ugs, you ho-bag! - So tacky.
Stop pulling - on my UGG-ugs.
- No, you stop! You're the one - stretching them to begeebus.
- I need these to wear to church! Well, way to go, Crystalynn.
You beheaded the last pair.
I should whip your boo-heiny with this here sole.
Stop flapping your commode lips.
Thanks to your animal behavior, neither of us have UGG-ugs.
[music.]
Oh, Hades, no.
[screaming in distance.]
[both moaning.]
- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, hey, Jenny.
Do-do-do-do.
Have you met my special friend Daniel? Oh, yeah.
Mother bought her CRX from his family's car dealership.
- Hi, Daniel.
- Daniel stop.
Daniel wants me to buy some intimates from the sleepwear sections.
He just can't get enough of me.
Oh, do-do-do-do! - Well, I'll leave you to your - [moaning.]
Now, where did those corporate butts hide you? 'Cause I'm gonna find you, thousand W twin-touch microwave by LeChef.
Help! I'm pinned by this carrot-nosed Pinocchio.
[grunting.]
So you lost me in a Super Mega-Lo-Mart on Black Friday? Okay, I did not lose you.
You ran away.
And it took years off my life.
I was beside myself, frantically running around that store screaming.
Somebody help.
Somebody help! Help me.
That woman's hoarding all the UGG-ugs! Ma'am, it's Black Friday.
We're all just trying to stay alive in here.
Get away, you animals.
I'm on break! Crystalynn, I don't care for you at all.
But I think we need to team up on this one.
Extreme situations call for extreme measures.
- So it's a devil's bargain, then.
- Let's roll.
- [yelling.]
- [crazed laughing.]
Sir, I'm looking for a LeChef microwave.
[whispers.]
Are you hiding some in the back? This is Mega-Lo-Mart.
The whole store is the back.
I think there's a floor model on the border of housewares and electronics.
- Thank you.
- But I have to warn you.
It's the clearance section.
It's basically lawless.
Management pulled all employees out of there 15 minutes ago.
Some real good guys, they didn't make it out.
Here, take my gun.
Oh, uh, okay, if you think I need it.
A price gun? Oh, in case I need to - Cause a distraction.
- Cause a distraction.
Yes.
Wow.
Thank you.
What's your name? I wish it mattered.
- [yelling.]
- [glass breaking.]
Hmm Keep your eyes peeled for that Shop-Vac, Leonard.
On it, doggone it.
But I do think we should figure out what our new joint-venture business is gonna be before we start buying gear for it.
It's either gonna be a forensic crime scene cleanup business or a mobile car wash.
Either way, we're gonna need a Shop-Vac.
[thuds.]
Oh, what's that? Looks like this little girl wandered away from her mama.
Hi there, little lady.
- [shouting, straining.]
- I'm Wayne.
- And you are - [blows raspberry.]
Smart.
Don't talk to strangers.
Wayne, do not get attached.
We are not equipped to raise this baby.
The formula specifically calls for three men and a baby.
And we are clearly short one Steve Guttenberg.
I can't just leave her.
I bet her family's worried sick.
BETTY: Oh, of course she's heading over to the soft pretzels.
She's probably gonna use a popcorn bucket for her Slurpee.
This is not very Christian of me, but look at that fat ass.
I say we bum-rush her right now.
- Brandon! - Oh.
- Dustin! - Ooh.
Come watch my cart while I get some jalapeño dip for my pretzel.
No go on the bum-rush.
Looks like she birthed half a football team.
Out of her fat butt.
Lord, forgive me, but you know everyone's thinking it.
[crazed laughing.]
Don't worry, Violet, I've been doing Black Friday since I was your age.
You couldn't be safer.
You lose your way, full-pricer? - [laughing maniacally.]
- Oh, my Lord! Aah! Oh, Jenny, it's just a Halloween decoration.
[hissing.]
Git! Pricebusters! That shirt's half off.
Get it! [all clamoring.]
That one holds a price gun.
She who holds the price gun makes the deals.
- WOMAN: Get that gun! - No! Eat fire cart, you animals! Oh, my Lord.
Brenda, I almost got my You need to get out of here.
Brenda, I am not leaving you here alone.
Oh, don't be worried for me; be scared for them.
Brenda attack! Who's ready for more, turkeys?! [Brenda shouting.]
[music.]
[men grunting.]
- Excuse me, can you help us? - [screaming.]
We found this little girl wandering around by herself.
Another stray kid? Put her in the pen.
[all screaming.]
Ooh-wee, that mess looks crazy.
- Is that even safe? - Oh, yeah.
There's a ten-year-old in there that's made himself in charge.
Yeah, I don't like the look of that at all.
Can you just please make an announcement? Oh, great idea.
Attention [garbled distortion.]
We good? No.
And you didn't have to be sarcastic.
I'm sorry, I'm tired.
I've been here since Halloween.
Just plop her in the pen with the rest of the storephans.
Nope.
[men grunting.]
[music.]
[gasps.]
Welp, Jenny, you've done it again.
There's your microwave.
Hmm, what's this? A full-price item back here? I guess there's no more good deals - in this area where I am.
- There's the stroller I've been looking for! What? No! That's mine! Not until it's seen the checkout aisle, lady.
This is my stroller.
I came in here with my daughter in it.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Violet.
So I was wandering around a postapocalyptic Mega-Lo-Mart for an hour before you realized I was gone? [chuckles.]
No.
Well, yeah.
Protecting your daughter on Black Friday - is harder than it looks.
- Yeah, didn't matter.
I was on the case.
[excited chatter.]
- This your little girl? - Uh-uh.
Does this little girl look familiar to you? No? Get right up in there, get a good look.
[laughs.]
Is this yours? Excuse me, this one yours? - Hey, does she belong to you? - Wayne! I bet that pyramid of Shop-Vacs is getting real small.
All right, you go grab one while I look for this little girl's mama.
Come on, sweet pea.
Give me a clue.
[chuckling.]
Dang, peanut.
You got some talent.
Oh.
Is this your mama? This is gonna be easy.
All we got to do is find the lady dressed like this.
Damn.
That Britney look really is all the rage.
JENNY: Violet! Oh, Violet.
- Where are you? Violet? - [kids screaming.]
Violet! - Excuse me.
Get out of the way.
- Hey, lady.
You can't be mingling around with the storephans.
You have to check in with an employee.
Are you kidding me? I'm not taking orders from some kid in a "guess what, chicken butt" shirt.
Guess what, chicken butt? You sure as hell are.
I'm looking for my daughter.
Uh, her name is Violet.
She's wearing a red jacket.
Oh, yeah, she was here.
Two guys took her.
What?! Oh, my God! Just like the baby Jesus, all we need is an inn.
BETTY: Oh, she sells Mary Kay, huh? Well, I think I just found our star of Bethlehem.
Sure wish I knew more about makeup.
I guess I'll just buy whatever's at my eyeline - and pay full retail.
- Excuse me, honey.
I couldn't help but overhearing.
You seem flustrated about your skin care regime.
Cherish Hughes.
My name's Mrs.
, um, uh Pantene, um, Pert-Clairol.
- Mrs.
Pantene Pert-Clairol.
- Well, Ms.
Pert-Clairol Oh, honey, just call me Pantene.
Pantene, I'm so glad I ran into you.
I'm a Glam-bassador for Mary Kay Cosmetics.
In fact, I'm buying my whole team some pink UGG-ugs.
Well, this is my lucky day.
Can you help me understand all that hullabaloo about contouring? [both grunting.]
CHERISH: Start at the forehead and move confidently along the hairline down to just kiss the cheekbones.
Hey, do I go, um - up into the earhole? - Heavens, no.
Just wistfully contour - two fingers along the jawline.
- Um Hey, how can I tell, y'all, if my foundation is going on too dark? Try our custom blend line.
Let me grab it from my makeup caboodle.
- How do I sell Mary Kay?! - That is a wonderful question.
Get out of there, dummy.
- What? - I mean, I should get out of here, dummy.
Meaning me.
I'm the dummy, see? All right, now.
Thanks for fixing my face.
Excuse me, I No, your shoes aren't right.
- What? - Screw him.
- Uh, nope.
Wrong fedora.
- [gasps.]
[straining.]
Wayne.
I don't know if I can hold this box much longer.
I can't put this little girl down.
She'll wander off again.
[music.]
- Mama! - Is that her? Is that your mama? - Wayne! The Shop-Vac! - You know the rule.
It touches the floor, it's yours no more, my baby.
Ooh! I'm pinned! Pinned by the object of my own desire.
- Violet? - Excuse me, ma'am.
- Is this your girl? - [Violet laughing.]
Violet! Oh, Violet.
Oh, Violet.
Oh, baby, you're safe.
Oh, my Lord.
Oh, uh, thank you so much.
Oh, you're so welcome.
[chuckles.]
Jenny.
- Jenny.
Hi, I'm, uh uh - Wayne.
- Wayne.
That's right.
Thank you.
- How did you find me? Oh, well, you have a very talented little peanut here.
- [chuckles.]
- Baby, you drew this? Incoming! My microwave! [smooches.]
You like me? - Yeah.
- Too bad! [grunts.]
They got our Shop-Vac.
Took my suit jacket, too, Wayne.
Ripped it right off my body! Buttons flying everywhere! You guys were after a Shop-Vac? Ugh, that's smart.
You know, 'cause you can use it for multiple businesses.
Yes, exactly.
That [laughing.]
That's our business plan.
Well, sorry you didn't snag one tonight, but I've got one you can borrow.
No, I did not have a Shop-Vac.
- I just wanted Wayne to call me.
- [trembling.]
So dumb.
I thought you were telling me how you got our microwave, but it's actually the story about how you two met.
And how I first started to draw, or whatever.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Yep.
My sweet Violet.
Can I say just a few words of thanks? I hit just about everybody, but if you want to throw in some names, go for it.
I do.
Mom, I want to thank you for always trying to give me the best, even though we can't always afford it.
And, Gram, thanks for your unwavering commitment to retail justice.
And, Wayne, not to get too dramatic about this, but thank you for actually maybe saving my life.
You're, like, my guardian angel.
Now I think there's only one more thing to say.
Let's bag it up.
Really? You want to go to Mega-Lo-Mart? Those over-the-ear noise-cancelling headphones by Skullcandy aren't gonna buy themselves.
Well, all right! Thanksgiving's back! - I'll warm up the truck.
- BETTY: Dessert in first, y'all! Hey, Violet.
See, now doesn't this just feel right? Sure as hell does, y'all.
Oh, no.
Oh, hey, Crystalynn.
- Hey, y'all.
- Hey, Crystalynn.
What you got your eye on tonight? A Hamilton Beach programmable six-quart slow cooker in stainless steel with a temperature probe.
- Hey, Mom, isn't that what you're loo - Ooh - See you in there, Crystalynn.
- Wait, Gram, how come I never see you wearing those pink UGGs? Well, me and Crystalynn's alliance was short-lived.
We had a little altercation the following Sunday.
[organ music playing.]
[dramatic music.]
[knuckles cracking.]