Bordertown (2016) s01e08 Episode Script
Santa-Ana-Winds
1 (screeches) Ooh! Ha! Ooh! Ha! Whoa! SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Each year, the hot, dry Santa Ana winds blow down from the mountain passes, making your lungs burn and your eyes itch.
The desert howls with the dark visitor, ancient winds that leave sleepy towns on edge.
(wind howling) Hills burn, neighbors lock their doors, and long-dormant spirits awaken.
Anything can happen.
(birds singing) SANCHEZ (on TV): Our top story.
Expect more dry, blustery weather all week as the Santa Ana winds blow through town.
In other news, a sinkhole has opened up in the sky over Mexifornia High Stadium, affecting the Track and Field Championship.
Stuff nerds into lockers without me! Every year, strange things seem to occur just when the Santa Ana winds kick up.
I don't get it.
Well, what I don't get is, yesterday I saw you using the toilet backwards.
Who goes nuts-to-tank? It's the only way I can get the right angle.
I have a condition called "wandering anus.
" That's why yesterday he wore a turtleneck.
While we've been talking, the rest of the house blew away.
(wind howling) JANICE: Don't worry.
Something always lands in its place.
Hola, Bud! Check out 280 horsepower of the ultimate combination of wind and control! It is so choice.
It's just a stupid leaf blower.
Shut your mouth! - This blower is systematic.
- (musical sting plays) Hydromatic.
Ultramatic! Why, it's Leaf Lightning! (upbeat music plays) Big E's got a long hose That packs a lot of thrust, oh, yeah Stop singing, please stop singing Four strokes on an engine That could wake a dead man, oh, yeah I have no idea what you're saying Forget your little mower, step up and feel my blower Leaf Lightning! We're so wet from all our sweat We work hard In your backyard with Leaf Lightning! Bravo is where that belongs.
'Cause it's gay.
ANNOUNCER (on TV): We now return to Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House.
Remember when I was trapped in that fat suit? Sanford, that was my uterus.
And you shouldn't remember that far back.
Dad used to try to tickle me with a coat hanger.
Crap! I'm out of energy drinks! Hey, Ruiz, you got any Psychopath Energy? No! We're out, too! BRYCE: Me, too! - Oh, no! Cloud! - (glass shattering) In other news, Psychopath Energy drink has been banned by the FDA for causing liver failure and heart problems.
As a result, the entire Arizona State campus fell asleep.
Yeah! Now it's my turn to draw penises on all your faces! (yells) Oh, no! That was the only pen on the Arizona State campus! Psychopath Energy is banned in the U.
S.
?! This country was founded by energy drinks! (engine revving) (heavy metal music playing) (engine revving) (tires squealing) Hey, amigo, you got any Psychopath Energy drink? It was banned in the U.
S.
, along with civilized political discourse.
Sorry, señors, but if you're looking for energy, I got something better.
This is the most potent energy drink on Earth.
So intense that it's been banned in Mexico.
Banned from here? Yeah, that was Mexico's first law.
Well, down the snatch! (gulping) (singing percussively) (scat singing) (engine revving, tires squealing) (engine revving) Calm down.
(engine revving, police siren chirps) (glass breaking, engine revving) (engine revving) (metallic creaking) Come on, you sissy tigers! I'm gonna sell your wangs to the Chinese! (tigers roaring) (Sanford grunts, high-pitched yell) Wow, that boy's got huevos! SPANISH ANNOUNCER: Huevos! (leaf blower whirring) Looks good, guys.
All right, I've been thinking.
It's time I did the right thing, so fill out these tax withholding forms.
Just joking! Screw taxes! Come get your cash! (cheering) Another immaculate Gonzalez Landscaping job.
Well, this is why I bought Leaf Lightning.
(loud, rumbling machine engine revving) What the hell? (whirring) (loud revving) Blow, you demon leaf!! (yelling): No! Ernesto, lemonade? Okay! Thanks.
(wind howling) BRYCE: Oh, hey, Bud! I know it's leaking fluid.
That's the problem.
The part's on backorder from the factory?! I'm coming down there.
Buckwald, I have to go.
There's an emergency with my wife's face.
(wind whistling) What the hell?! Sorry, muchacho, but you best turn right around and go back where you came from.
(with accent): Please, señor.
I'm like you.
I have a family to support.
And I want to get as far away from them as possible.
I hear that.
Glad I got all those bugs out of my ears.
Shh! And frankly, there's a few too many Mexicans back there for my taste.
You know, I've never said this to an immigrant before, but I feel like we have a connection.
Tell you what.
I'm gonna look the other way.
Gracias, señor! What do they call you? Bud Buckwald, as in the Bud Buckwald Syndrome.
It's a rare disorder where you explain your name more than is interesting.
SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Some mighty strange things afoot in ol' Mexifornia.
Looks like the Santa Anas have blown a second Bud into town.
Fox asked us to add more sex and violence, like on Empire, so we said, "Here's a story about wind.
" (bird singing) Now you die, demon leaf.
Enough! I will destroy you with my bare hands! What are you?! (wind howling) Hi, Papi! Quiet down, kite! I'm an anchor baby! (wind whistling, passing truck horn blows) SANCHEZ: In other news, an unpoppable bubble of silence has blown into town, trapping its victims for all eternity.
(people gasping) Hey, I'm John Mayer, and I'm here to rock this Wing Stop reopening! (applause and cheering) These strange events are more than a coincidence.
- More water? - No, thanks.
I'm driving.
There's more to these Santa Ana winds than just weather.
There's something going on here, some kind of conspiracy.
George, what do you know about the Santa Anas? My people believe the Santa Ana winds are the spirits of our ancestors.
(door bangs open, wind whistling) (laughs) But no one believes that crap anymore.
I hear you've been nosing around about the Santa Ana winds.
- Mind your own business! - Who are you? (yelps) Consider this a warning.
Oh, come on! Who punches people in person? Nowadays everyone uses Punchr, the cross-platform mobile punching app.
It's almost as popular as Slapchat.
Aah! Trevor's online! STEVE: Buckwald! What the hell?! My God, he's taken my job! There's a pile of vomit in the bathroom with your name on it.
The dog that ate your name tag threw up.
Huh.
Maybe this isn't so bad.
And now I get the day off! (giggling) Just wanted to say you've been doing great work today, Buckwald.
Thanks, Steve.
(gasps) (laughing) He's taking over my life! Bud, the toilet beaver's back.
He's dammed it up good.
The family voted, and we think you should take care of it.
Don't get him too soggy.
He's all we have for dinner tonight.
My family thinks he's me.
This is awesome! (giggling) (wind whistling) Ow! My eyes! (laughing): Oh, my! Now I can't breathe.
(gasps) SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Well, ol' Bud seems happy to have found someone to take over his life.
Meanwhile, Sanford's gotten more energy drink than he bargained for.
Man, I haven't been able to sleep in three days because of this stupid drink.
You wrote and sold the screenplay to Big Momma's House 4 in one night?! Yeah, it un-answers all the answered questions from Big Momma's House 3.
- (car horn tooting) - I got to go.
That's my ride to the Kennedy Center Honors.
- Oh, my God! - Don't get too excited.
It's the Jamie Kennedy Center Honors.
It's at a recently closed Burger King.
The demon leaf.
I can take care of it.
I've tangled with this kind before.
Got this beauty mark from the leaf that tormented Juarez Landscaping.
You knew the Juarez crew? 19 men set out to mow that lawn on June 18, 1994.
Had it mowed in an hour, except for one leaf.
A demon leaf.
Over the next 40 hours, one by one, that leaf took all of them.
Didn't need to kill 'em.
They killed themselves.
- The first one went mad.
- (laughing) Shot himself before dusk.
The second stuck his face in a lawnmower.
The third killed the fourth, - eighth and the twelfth.
- (grunting) The ninth killed the seventh.
The fifteenth killed the sixth.
You should be writing this down, or it won't be scary.
SOUTHERN NARRATOR: While Ernesto's being tormented by a demon leaf, J.
C.
's got problems of his own.
Seems some folks don't like him nosing around about the old Santa Anas.
I can't believe that guy hit you! Usually, other men apply girl rules to you.
I guess I'll mind my own business about the Santa Ana winds.
J.
C.
, you were right there is a conspiracy! You have to keep going! If you gave up every time you got punched in the head, we'd never make love.
In weather, the Santa Ana winds, which scientists say originate from deep in the mountains, continue to batter Mexifornia, disrupting commerce and government agencies.
Light the deportation cannon! Viva Enrique! Of course! If we want to find out who's behind the winds, we have to go to their source, the mountains! J.
C.
, you're brilliant! Take me to the bedroom! You got it, baby! (high-pitched groan) You can put the "This Side Up" sticker anywhere you want.
(wind whistling) (wind whistling) MAN: This is for you, toots! I tell you, having a Mexican twin is great.
I've finally had time to binge-watch the NBC Nightly News.
I'm up to September 10, 2001.
No spoilers! What the hell is he doing here? He's supposed to be at the border station! I came to this country looking for a better life, but I'm treated like crap at my job, and my family is a disaster.
I'm gonna close my eyes, but don't worry.
I'm still listening.
Screw this.
I'm going back to Mexico! (snoring) (gasps) He can't leave! He's taken over my life! There's no backsies! I must stop him! Otherwise, it'll just be me and Norwegian Bud.
(Norwegian accent): Hello, Bud! Which fjord is your favorite? I like Aurlandsfjord! MAN: Gentlemen, we have made our living writing the terrible movies Hollywood churns out every year.
And now, our livelihoods are at stake because of this man? Yeah, let's get him! You coming with us, M.
Night Shyamalan? The twist is I'm Jewish! Ah.
The leaf is gone! Oh, thank God, he did it! Oh, hey, thank you so much! The leaf killed him! It's a monster! Ah.
Who cares? He's dead.
Goal! Stop! You're not going anywhere! You're supposed to be doing my job and pleasuring my wife! Bud, we both know you don't know which part is the trigger.
There's only so many parts.
I'll find it! (grunting) Don't make me go back to my life! Well, if you hate your life so much, why don't you come with me? Really? You know what? You're right.
Let's do it! SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Turns out the Santa Anas didn't blow Mexican Bud into America.
They blew American Bud into Mexico.
- Nobody go outside! - Why not? There's a murderous leaf outside, and if we go out there, the leaf will kill Uh, you know what? Saying this out loud makes me realize how ridiculous this all is.
Let's just go.
Nope.
My gut was right.
Let's stay inside forever.
SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Well, while Ernesto hides from that demon leaf, J.
C.
and Becky have set out to find the source of the Santa Ana winds.
The strange events that happen during the Santa Anas can't be just a coincidence.
J.
C.
, look! My God.
I bet the answer we're looking for is in that cave! You cannot enter my cave until you answer my riddle.
Mm, no, we're actually going to a different cave.
Come back! You guys know about any high school parties? I can buy beer! I'm 83,000 years old.
- There he is! - Who are you guys?! We're Hollywood writers, and we came here to tell you to stop writing all our terrible movies! Look, are you circumcised? You could just answer me like a person! Stop writing the movies or else! Or else what? (high-pitched yell, grunt) (yells) Take that, you Amish dicks.
(rooster crowing) (laughing) I can't believe I finally escaped my miserable life! We both did, Bud! (both giggling) God, Janice must be hating life without me.
Oh, Bud! (Norwegian accent): Sex is done.
Now we assemble furniture! We got a report about an illegal in this bar.
- You're coming with us, gringo.
- What?! (sobbing): No! You can't arrest me! You haven't even read me my rights! You have the right to an attorney who will be murdered.
You have the right to be framed for that murder.
Anything we claim you said will be used against you in a court of chickens.
Hey, this gringo's resisting arrest.
(angry clucking) (wind whistling) (can clinks on ground) - (wind howling) - My hair! (wind howling) (explosion) (tires squealing, Bud grunting) Damn it, not home yet.
(grunting) My God, look at this place.
(liquid gurgling) "Cool J.
C.
"? What? I'm the cool J.
C.
, right, Becky? Oh! You make me want to smoke! Look, they're spying on Mexifornians! (computer chirping) I can't believe it.
This is bigger than we ever imagined.
Oh, my God, J.
C.
! J.
C.
, are you okay?! J.
C.
! Talk to me! (piano keys echoing) J.
C.
, wake up! I found a piano! (wind chimes tinkling, wind howling) Ernesto, how can a leaf be a murderer? Because that's no ordinary leaf.
It's a demon, and I need to do something about it.
It's time to take care of this leaf once and for all.
MARIA (whispering): Ernesto! Not now, Maria! (whispering): Ernesto? (gasps) (low, indistinct speech) (wind whistling) (whirring) (people groaning and yelling) (groaning and shouting continue) (growling and screaming) (hysterical laughter) (birds singing) Hey, baby, want to come inside? Won't Ernesto be mad? Pff.
Ernesto doesn't scare me.
(screaming) (roaring) Pepito, I can't let go of the door! Come turn on the oven! Mami says I'm not allowed to turn on the oven.
This time it's okay.
You can turn it on.
If I'm allowed to do it, it's not fun anymore.
Ruiz, turn on the oven! Mami says I'm not allowed to turn on the oven.
- Just turn it on! - Okay.
(screaming) (loud panting) Well, I got sued by the Jews for beating them up, and they took all my money.
And to think, I was on their side through most of Schindler's List! Becky, J.
C.
, I haven't seen you two in days.
According to the memories that I woke up with this morning, I've been doing sports.
And I've been doing fashion! Let's go watch network television.
I'm already excited for Fallon's monologue.
What a novel format.
Oh, there's my Bud.
You know, your look-alike was nice, but I missed the real Bud.
You knew? Well, I missed you, too, Janice.
You know, Bud, you're a great husband and a better man than you give yourself credit for.
Thanks, Janice.
She's taking over my life! (giggling) I'm free! (engine revving) (clucking, tires squealing) (computer chirping) (squeaking) (Bryce's voice): Welp, the experiment was a success.
This science project's gonna blow Zorp's diorama out of the water! SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Well, looks like ol' Bryce turned out to be an alien.
That was a fun surprise.
Made up for that Sanford story I didn't care for.
Why they got to be hard on Big Momma's House? You know, not every movie's got to be a critical darling.
But you know what they did get right was the portrayal of them Hollywood Jews.
Now I'm talkin' myself into liking this! Well, see y'all at the Emmys!
The desert howls with the dark visitor, ancient winds that leave sleepy towns on edge.
(wind howling) Hills burn, neighbors lock their doors, and long-dormant spirits awaken.
Anything can happen.
(birds singing) SANCHEZ (on TV): Our top story.
Expect more dry, blustery weather all week as the Santa Ana winds blow through town.
In other news, a sinkhole has opened up in the sky over Mexifornia High Stadium, affecting the Track and Field Championship.
Stuff nerds into lockers without me! Every year, strange things seem to occur just when the Santa Ana winds kick up.
I don't get it.
Well, what I don't get is, yesterday I saw you using the toilet backwards.
Who goes nuts-to-tank? It's the only way I can get the right angle.
I have a condition called "wandering anus.
" That's why yesterday he wore a turtleneck.
While we've been talking, the rest of the house blew away.
(wind howling) JANICE: Don't worry.
Something always lands in its place.
Hola, Bud! Check out 280 horsepower of the ultimate combination of wind and control! It is so choice.
It's just a stupid leaf blower.
Shut your mouth! - This blower is systematic.
- (musical sting plays) Hydromatic.
Ultramatic! Why, it's Leaf Lightning! (upbeat music plays) Big E's got a long hose That packs a lot of thrust, oh, yeah Stop singing, please stop singing Four strokes on an engine That could wake a dead man, oh, yeah I have no idea what you're saying Forget your little mower, step up and feel my blower Leaf Lightning! We're so wet from all our sweat We work hard In your backyard with Leaf Lightning! Bravo is where that belongs.
'Cause it's gay.
ANNOUNCER (on TV): We now return to Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House.
Remember when I was trapped in that fat suit? Sanford, that was my uterus.
And you shouldn't remember that far back.
Dad used to try to tickle me with a coat hanger.
Crap! I'm out of energy drinks! Hey, Ruiz, you got any Psychopath Energy? No! We're out, too! BRYCE: Me, too! - Oh, no! Cloud! - (glass shattering) In other news, Psychopath Energy drink has been banned by the FDA for causing liver failure and heart problems.
As a result, the entire Arizona State campus fell asleep.
Yeah! Now it's my turn to draw penises on all your faces! (yells) Oh, no! That was the only pen on the Arizona State campus! Psychopath Energy is banned in the U.
S.
?! This country was founded by energy drinks! (engine revving) (heavy metal music playing) (engine revving) (tires squealing) Hey, amigo, you got any Psychopath Energy drink? It was banned in the U.
S.
, along with civilized political discourse.
Sorry, señors, but if you're looking for energy, I got something better.
This is the most potent energy drink on Earth.
So intense that it's been banned in Mexico.
Banned from here? Yeah, that was Mexico's first law.
Well, down the snatch! (gulping) (singing percussively) (scat singing) (engine revving, tires squealing) (engine revving) Calm down.
(engine revving, police siren chirps) (glass breaking, engine revving) (engine revving) (metallic creaking) Come on, you sissy tigers! I'm gonna sell your wangs to the Chinese! (tigers roaring) (Sanford grunts, high-pitched yell) Wow, that boy's got huevos! SPANISH ANNOUNCER: Huevos! (leaf blower whirring) Looks good, guys.
All right, I've been thinking.
It's time I did the right thing, so fill out these tax withholding forms.
Just joking! Screw taxes! Come get your cash! (cheering) Another immaculate Gonzalez Landscaping job.
Well, this is why I bought Leaf Lightning.
(loud, rumbling machine engine revving) What the hell? (whirring) (loud revving) Blow, you demon leaf!! (yelling): No! Ernesto, lemonade? Okay! Thanks.
(wind howling) BRYCE: Oh, hey, Bud! I know it's leaking fluid.
That's the problem.
The part's on backorder from the factory?! I'm coming down there.
Buckwald, I have to go.
There's an emergency with my wife's face.
(wind whistling) What the hell?! Sorry, muchacho, but you best turn right around and go back where you came from.
(with accent): Please, señor.
I'm like you.
I have a family to support.
And I want to get as far away from them as possible.
I hear that.
Glad I got all those bugs out of my ears.
Shh! And frankly, there's a few too many Mexicans back there for my taste.
You know, I've never said this to an immigrant before, but I feel like we have a connection.
Tell you what.
I'm gonna look the other way.
Gracias, señor! What do they call you? Bud Buckwald, as in the Bud Buckwald Syndrome.
It's a rare disorder where you explain your name more than is interesting.
SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Some mighty strange things afoot in ol' Mexifornia.
Looks like the Santa Anas have blown a second Bud into town.
Fox asked us to add more sex and violence, like on Empire, so we said, "Here's a story about wind.
" (bird singing) Now you die, demon leaf.
Enough! I will destroy you with my bare hands! What are you?! (wind howling) Hi, Papi! Quiet down, kite! I'm an anchor baby! (wind whistling, passing truck horn blows) SANCHEZ: In other news, an unpoppable bubble of silence has blown into town, trapping its victims for all eternity.
(people gasping) Hey, I'm John Mayer, and I'm here to rock this Wing Stop reopening! (applause and cheering) These strange events are more than a coincidence.
- More water? - No, thanks.
I'm driving.
There's more to these Santa Ana winds than just weather.
There's something going on here, some kind of conspiracy.
George, what do you know about the Santa Anas? My people believe the Santa Ana winds are the spirits of our ancestors.
(door bangs open, wind whistling) (laughs) But no one believes that crap anymore.
I hear you've been nosing around about the Santa Ana winds.
- Mind your own business! - Who are you? (yelps) Consider this a warning.
Oh, come on! Who punches people in person? Nowadays everyone uses Punchr, the cross-platform mobile punching app.
It's almost as popular as Slapchat.
Aah! Trevor's online! STEVE: Buckwald! What the hell?! My God, he's taken my job! There's a pile of vomit in the bathroom with your name on it.
The dog that ate your name tag threw up.
Huh.
Maybe this isn't so bad.
And now I get the day off! (giggling) Just wanted to say you've been doing great work today, Buckwald.
Thanks, Steve.
(gasps) (laughing) He's taking over my life! Bud, the toilet beaver's back.
He's dammed it up good.
The family voted, and we think you should take care of it.
Don't get him too soggy.
He's all we have for dinner tonight.
My family thinks he's me.
This is awesome! (giggling) (wind whistling) Ow! My eyes! (laughing): Oh, my! Now I can't breathe.
(gasps) SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Well, ol' Bud seems happy to have found someone to take over his life.
Meanwhile, Sanford's gotten more energy drink than he bargained for.
Man, I haven't been able to sleep in three days because of this stupid drink.
You wrote and sold the screenplay to Big Momma's House 4 in one night?! Yeah, it un-answers all the answered questions from Big Momma's House 3.
- (car horn tooting) - I got to go.
That's my ride to the Kennedy Center Honors.
- Oh, my God! - Don't get too excited.
It's the Jamie Kennedy Center Honors.
It's at a recently closed Burger King.
The demon leaf.
I can take care of it.
I've tangled with this kind before.
Got this beauty mark from the leaf that tormented Juarez Landscaping.
You knew the Juarez crew? 19 men set out to mow that lawn on June 18, 1994.
Had it mowed in an hour, except for one leaf.
A demon leaf.
Over the next 40 hours, one by one, that leaf took all of them.
Didn't need to kill 'em.
They killed themselves.
- The first one went mad.
- (laughing) Shot himself before dusk.
The second stuck his face in a lawnmower.
The third killed the fourth, - eighth and the twelfth.
- (grunting) The ninth killed the seventh.
The fifteenth killed the sixth.
You should be writing this down, or it won't be scary.
SOUTHERN NARRATOR: While Ernesto's being tormented by a demon leaf, J.
C.
's got problems of his own.
Seems some folks don't like him nosing around about the old Santa Anas.
I can't believe that guy hit you! Usually, other men apply girl rules to you.
I guess I'll mind my own business about the Santa Ana winds.
J.
C.
, you were right there is a conspiracy! You have to keep going! If you gave up every time you got punched in the head, we'd never make love.
In weather, the Santa Ana winds, which scientists say originate from deep in the mountains, continue to batter Mexifornia, disrupting commerce and government agencies.
Light the deportation cannon! Viva Enrique! Of course! If we want to find out who's behind the winds, we have to go to their source, the mountains! J.
C.
, you're brilliant! Take me to the bedroom! You got it, baby! (high-pitched groan) You can put the "This Side Up" sticker anywhere you want.
(wind whistling) (wind whistling) MAN: This is for you, toots! I tell you, having a Mexican twin is great.
I've finally had time to binge-watch the NBC Nightly News.
I'm up to September 10, 2001.
No spoilers! What the hell is he doing here? He's supposed to be at the border station! I came to this country looking for a better life, but I'm treated like crap at my job, and my family is a disaster.
I'm gonna close my eyes, but don't worry.
I'm still listening.
Screw this.
I'm going back to Mexico! (snoring) (gasps) He can't leave! He's taken over my life! There's no backsies! I must stop him! Otherwise, it'll just be me and Norwegian Bud.
(Norwegian accent): Hello, Bud! Which fjord is your favorite? I like Aurlandsfjord! MAN: Gentlemen, we have made our living writing the terrible movies Hollywood churns out every year.
And now, our livelihoods are at stake because of this man? Yeah, let's get him! You coming with us, M.
Night Shyamalan? The twist is I'm Jewish! Ah.
The leaf is gone! Oh, thank God, he did it! Oh, hey, thank you so much! The leaf killed him! It's a monster! Ah.
Who cares? He's dead.
Goal! Stop! You're not going anywhere! You're supposed to be doing my job and pleasuring my wife! Bud, we both know you don't know which part is the trigger.
There's only so many parts.
I'll find it! (grunting) Don't make me go back to my life! Well, if you hate your life so much, why don't you come with me? Really? You know what? You're right.
Let's do it! SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Turns out the Santa Anas didn't blow Mexican Bud into America.
They blew American Bud into Mexico.
- Nobody go outside! - Why not? There's a murderous leaf outside, and if we go out there, the leaf will kill Uh, you know what? Saying this out loud makes me realize how ridiculous this all is.
Let's just go.
Nope.
My gut was right.
Let's stay inside forever.
SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Well, while Ernesto hides from that demon leaf, J.
C.
and Becky have set out to find the source of the Santa Ana winds.
The strange events that happen during the Santa Anas can't be just a coincidence.
J.
C.
, look! My God.
I bet the answer we're looking for is in that cave! You cannot enter my cave until you answer my riddle.
Mm, no, we're actually going to a different cave.
Come back! You guys know about any high school parties? I can buy beer! I'm 83,000 years old.
- There he is! - Who are you guys?! We're Hollywood writers, and we came here to tell you to stop writing all our terrible movies! Look, are you circumcised? You could just answer me like a person! Stop writing the movies or else! Or else what? (high-pitched yell, grunt) (yells) Take that, you Amish dicks.
(rooster crowing) (laughing) I can't believe I finally escaped my miserable life! We both did, Bud! (both giggling) God, Janice must be hating life without me.
Oh, Bud! (Norwegian accent): Sex is done.
Now we assemble furniture! We got a report about an illegal in this bar.
- You're coming with us, gringo.
- What?! (sobbing): No! You can't arrest me! You haven't even read me my rights! You have the right to an attorney who will be murdered.
You have the right to be framed for that murder.
Anything we claim you said will be used against you in a court of chickens.
Hey, this gringo's resisting arrest.
(angry clucking) (wind whistling) (can clinks on ground) - (wind howling) - My hair! (wind howling) (explosion) (tires squealing, Bud grunting) Damn it, not home yet.
(grunting) My God, look at this place.
(liquid gurgling) "Cool J.
C.
"? What? I'm the cool J.
C.
, right, Becky? Oh! You make me want to smoke! Look, they're spying on Mexifornians! (computer chirping) I can't believe it.
This is bigger than we ever imagined.
Oh, my God, J.
C.
! J.
C.
, are you okay?! J.
C.
! Talk to me! (piano keys echoing) J.
C.
, wake up! I found a piano! (wind chimes tinkling, wind howling) Ernesto, how can a leaf be a murderer? Because that's no ordinary leaf.
It's a demon, and I need to do something about it.
It's time to take care of this leaf once and for all.
MARIA (whispering): Ernesto! Not now, Maria! (whispering): Ernesto? (gasps) (low, indistinct speech) (wind whistling) (whirring) (people groaning and yelling) (groaning and shouting continue) (growling and screaming) (hysterical laughter) (birds singing) Hey, baby, want to come inside? Won't Ernesto be mad? Pff.
Ernesto doesn't scare me.
(screaming) (roaring) Pepito, I can't let go of the door! Come turn on the oven! Mami says I'm not allowed to turn on the oven.
This time it's okay.
You can turn it on.
If I'm allowed to do it, it's not fun anymore.
Ruiz, turn on the oven! Mami says I'm not allowed to turn on the oven.
- Just turn it on! - Okay.
(screaming) (loud panting) Well, I got sued by the Jews for beating them up, and they took all my money.
And to think, I was on their side through most of Schindler's List! Becky, J.
C.
, I haven't seen you two in days.
According to the memories that I woke up with this morning, I've been doing sports.
And I've been doing fashion! Let's go watch network television.
I'm already excited for Fallon's monologue.
What a novel format.
Oh, there's my Bud.
You know, your look-alike was nice, but I missed the real Bud.
You knew? Well, I missed you, too, Janice.
You know, Bud, you're a great husband and a better man than you give yourself credit for.
Thanks, Janice.
She's taking over my life! (giggling) I'm free! (engine revving) (clucking, tires squealing) (computer chirping) (squeaking) (Bryce's voice): Welp, the experiment was a success.
This science project's gonna blow Zorp's diorama out of the water! SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Well, looks like ol' Bryce turned out to be an alien.
That was a fun surprise.
Made up for that Sanford story I didn't care for.
Why they got to be hard on Big Momma's House? You know, not every movie's got to be a critical darling.
But you know what they did get right was the portrayal of them Hollywood Jews.
Now I'm talkin' myself into liking this! Well, see y'all at the Emmys!