Bored to Death (2009) s01e08 Episode Script
Take a Dive
(theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely - (coughs) - Bored to death Cut, mad and lonely.
(whistle blows) Don't both of you think this whole fight thing between two magazines is a bit ridiculous? - Well - Yes, but it's good publicity, especially in today's publishing market.
And from what I understand George's magazine can really use the ink.
I agree.
Our whole fight is inane.
I'm doing this because Richard challenged me and, as a gentleman, I accepted.
But Richard challenged you because you wrote, among other things, that he had the penis of a hermaphrodite.
That was sloppy journalism.
I do want to apologize to any hermaphrodites who may have been insulted by an unflattering comparison.
(bell dings) So why are you two fighting? Richard's my boss and he said I had to.
For a team to win in a match like this, it has to be the best two out of three, and he said that we needed a cartoonist on our side since Ray is a cartoonist.
L I really love your comics, by the way.
- Oh, thank you.
- (bell dings) They say that the pen is mightier than the sword, but when we meet in the ring my fist will be mightier than my pen.
I wish your pen were mightier than your fist, Jonathan, but your honest assessment of your talent is quite commendable and appreciated.
Cheers.
(bell dings) I'm looking forward to being punched.
I've never actually practiced S&M, but I've always wanted to and, you know, this seems like a really good opportunity, especially since I'll be hit by someone - whose work I admire.
- (bell dings) I think that a homoerotic subtext is precisely what this fight needs to make it more lively.
Oh, I'm sorry to put you on the spot, Mrs.
Antrem, but you've been married to both of these gentlemen.
What do you think of all this? I think the whole thing is absurd.
I don't want either of them getting hurt.
Hands up all the time.
The guy you're fighting is tall.
Remember, you gotta make a sandwich.
Your hands are the bread.
Your head is the meat.
Protect the meat.
Okay, Sal, thank you.
Bread, meat.
I've really been fantasizing about beating Louis Greene.
He's been rude to me one too many times.
Yeah, I have nothing against the weirdo that I'm boxing, but I'm looking forward to kicking his ass, you know? I keep having this daydream that if I win I get Priscilla back.
Why'd you ever lose her anyway? She was like a cat.
She'd never come to me when I wanted her to.
That's why I like dogs.
But when she did come to me, I mean, it was magnificent.
She was highly orgasmic.
When she sees what I do to Antrem in the ring, yeah, she'll be reminded of what it's like to be in bed with me.
(grunting, yelping) (panting) That's how you make love? (yelps) (phone rings) Hello.
Hey, it's Stella.
We met a few weeks ago at the co-op.
Yeah, hi.
How are you? I'm good.
(chuckles) And, I don't know, I was thinking about you and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight.
Um, I'm supposed to be working on my novel.
Well, I got this really good pot medical marijuana from California.
It could help with your writing.
Why don't you have shelves? My girl my ex-girlfriend took them with her when she moved out.
Mm.
Why don't you build some? I'm not very mechanical.
I could build them for you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I used to work for Habitat for Humanity.
- You did? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, well, I'm human.
Let's play.
I never miss when I'm stoned, or it's like I don't care if I do.
(snarling) - Come on.
- Let's go.
- What? - Game on.
What's the name of your basketball team? The, uh, In Your Face.
What's the name of your team? - The Kicking Your Butts.
- Oh, you are? That's weird.
It's kind of a stupid name for a team that doesn't even do that at all.
Oh really? Argh! Are you all right? I'm fine.
Where's the ball? (phone rings) Hello.
Is this Jonathan Ames? Yes.
Who's this? It's not important who it is.
What is important is that you take a dive in your fight with Louis Greene, or else.
Or else what? Or else we're gonna make George Christopher the laughingstock of the publishing world and maybe even the magazine world too.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about you taking a dive, Ames.
All right? I gotta go.
Bye.
Hello? Hello? Well, that's a weird phone call probably one of your disturbed friends.
No, you're my only disturbed friend who would do something like that.
Don't mention it to George.
I don't want to upset him.
Well, are you gonna do anything about it? No, nothing to do.
It's gotta be a prank.
Let me get you guys wrapped.
I had a really nice time with Stella last night.
She's the first girl since Suzanne I kind of have feelings for.
- Did you at least bang her? - Yeah, did you bang her? No, it was like a real date.
We played nerf basketball, listened to music.
We didn't even kiss.
What, are you in the fifth grade? I lost my virginity in the fifth grade.
What was his name? Father Francis.
Watch me now Feel the groove Into something Gonna make you move Day or night Dynamite We had fun But it's just begun It's just begun It's just begun.
I'm gonna kick your ass, Antrem.
You're an idiot, a fool, a slob.
I can't stand you.
You should never have married my ex-wife.
All right, George, you're gonna shoot your whole wad.
Save it for tomorrow night.
Yeah, you're right.
Thanks thanks.
Okay, stop stop.
Stop.
(wheezing) Hey, I want to thank both of you for supporting me in this whole thing.
I know it's delusional behavior, but it's important to me.
I like being delusional.
Yeah, me too.
We're delusional together.
Thank you.
We're gonna kick some major "GQ" ass tomorrow.
I can feel it.
I just hope I don't get a brain injury.
What is that, a bridge? (phone ringing) Hello.
Hey, practicing for your dive tomorrow night? Why should I? Because I have something you want.
What are you talking about? What do you have? I have a Viagra bottle.
The name on it George Christopher.
He's been on this stuff since 1997 plenty of refills.
How did you get that? Hey, you know what? Shut up.
Here's the drill: You're gonna take a dive in your fight tomorrow, or else this bottle's going to "Page Six" and Christopher, the so-called "ladies' man," is gonna be humiliated.
All right, gotta go.
Hanging up.
(laughter on TV) - What the fuck? - I'm Jonathan Ames.
Get the fuck out of here.
- What the hell is that thing? - You don't want to find out.
Where's the Viagra bottle? Hey, I don't know what you're talking about, asshole.
- Come on, man.
- Settle down.
- Shit, how did you find me? - You called from your home phone.
Amateur.
Hey, I'm not a fucking amateur.
Where did you get the Viagra? You can't make me talk.
This thing picks locks.
It also does a nice job on eardrums.
I got it from George Christopher's dumpster.
You're not smart enough to mastermind a job like this.
Who put you up to it? You know what? I'm a lot of things, but I ain't no rat.
- (clicks) - Louis Greene.
Hey, wait wait.
Don't tell Greene I screwed this up, all right? He'll be pissed off.
And he's supposed to give me $200.
You want to make that kind of money? Bet on Ames.
(phone rings) Hello.
Oh my God, really? No, yeah, send her up.
Priscilla, I am so happy to see you.
Hello, George.
Come in.
Come in.
Come in.
(exhales) - (phone ringing) - (groans) Hello.
It's Stella.
What are you doing? Trying to write.
My book's due tomorrow and now I've got Also I have a boxing match tomorrow.
I'm losing my mind.
Oh, shit.
I won't bug you then.
We'll do it another time.
The vaporizer I ordered finally arrived today.
- (whirring) - (both chuckle) Just squeeze down on that nipple and suck in the marijuana vapor.
It's like I've been instantly and beautifully lobotomized.
I know.
And it's healthy because it's invisible vapor.
Um (laughing) Your apartment is beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
It's a little cold, though, isn't it? I mean, I sort of float around here trying not to make a mess, almost like it's someone else's home.
George, I've come here to talk to you about something.
Your fight tomorrow Can we talk about the past first? I have no filters.
My frontal lobes may be going, but I have to say immediately that I haven't stopped thinking about you in 20 years and that you look very beautiful.
George.
I'm really glad that you could hang out.
There was this pollen in the air today that smelled like kissing.
Do you know that smell? Yeah.
I love that smell.
Do you remember our little apartment on West 11th with the curtains by the window? Yes, of course I remember.
Do you still like to role-play "Nosferatu"? (chuckles) 'Cause every couple of months I have this recurring dream where I'm in the curtains, hiding, and that I'm kissing your neck.
George, I don't want you to fight Richard tomorrow.
What? What? I can't back out.
I'd be humiliated.
He challenged me.
He would never tell you, but he has a heart condition.
He shouldn't exert himself.
What do you want me to do? Just let him win.
What do you call it? You know, take a dive.
Wait, going back, when you say that he can't exert himself, does that mean? Yes, we haven't had sex in two years.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Mm.
Oh, God.
I'm married.
Oh, God.
Oh, George.
George.
I think I'm still coming.
My whole body is vibrating like a tuning fork.
I'm glad.
I'm not vibrating, but I do feel really good.
Why couldn't you write your novel? I don't know.
I just wasn't into it.
I don't mean to give you advice, but my writing teacher said that you should only write about what you love.
I'm not a writer, but that's what I try to do when I paint.
Hmm.
What do you love? I love being a part-time private detective.
I actually solved a case today.
Then that's what you should write about.
Want to vaporize some more pot? I want to vaporize you.
That was lovely, George.
I know.
Thank you for being so sweet to me.
It's not hard to be sweet to you.
I think that we've entered a third act, despite what Fitzgerald says about there being no second acts in life.
We were married, divorced, and now lovers.
Will you throw the fight? Actually, I kind of like this girl Stella.
She's sexy as hell, smart, Jewish, has a great vaporizer.
Sounds like your mother.
I'd like to try a vaporizer.
Do you think I blew it by having sex? Do you think I'll lose to Greene? Sal said we weren't supposed to drink or have sex before the fight.
I want to do what Sal says.
Well, I had sex and booze.
Who did you have sex with? I can't really say, but I have no regrets.
It's the first time I haven't had to use Viagra in years.
Oh, look, it's the losing team.
Yeah, we're not supposed to see each other till the fight.
What, is this a wedding? I can't see you in your dress? Don't be such a frail plant, George.
Save it for the ring.
- Hoo! - (groans) Hi, Ray.
Hey, Jonathan, many fighters choose to listen to music before a fight.
It gets them pumped up.
I've chosen to listen to your audiobook.
I find it properly enraging, so thank you.
I have the Viagra bottle, Louis.
That was a dirty trick you tried to pull.
You don't read much Machiavelli, do you, Jonathan? There are no dirty tricks, just winning and losing.
Don't worry, I'm prepared to beat you even playing by the rules.
(laughing) (crowd cheering) "GQ"! "GQ"! "Edition"! "Edition"! Are you gonna be all right? Not to worry.
I'm fighting a masochist.
He'll be okay.
Okay, look, I'm gonna do the old rope-a-dope, just like Will Smith in "Ali.
" I watched it last night.
You mean, like Ali? Yeah, but I didn't see Ali.
I saw Will Smith playing Ali.
Anyway, I'm gonna exhaust this guy by doing rope-a-dope.
- All right, champ.
- Okay, let's go.
Ray, kick his ass.
Come on.
Go Ray! Remember, hands up.
Go get him.
Go get him.
Gentlemen, I want a good, clean fight.
Protect yourselves at all times.
Touch gloves.
Hey, thanks for doing this.
Represent, baby! - Jonathan: Come on, Ray.
- Come on, baby.
(dings) Ray! What the fuck was that? - I'm getting up.
- Don't.
- Why? - Because I don't want you to get hurt.
I want you in one piece tonight.
- Really? - Yes, really.
eight, nine - I do love you, you know.
10! It's over.
(bell dings) Hey, man, get up.
I didn't get hurt yet.
I didn't mean to knock you down.
Oh, crap.
Yeah, that's not bad.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Holy shit, Stella came.
I didn't know she was coming.
In you go.
Huh? Sal, I suddenly feel scared.
That's normal.
All fighters are scared.
But once you get in the ring you're like a god.
But I'm agnostic.
I'll say a prayer for you.
I want a good, clean fight.
Touch gloves.
Go to your corners.
At the bell, fight.
(bell dings) - Go, Jonathan.
- Boom.
Protect the meat.
Your head is the meat.
Your hands yeah.
Come on, come on, buddy.
I'll say it again your first novel was amateurish at best.
Well, you are a lousy critic and a small-time blackmailer.
What do you know? Yeah.
Jab jab jab.
Do yourself and the reading public a favor if you feel the need to write, you can always keep a diary.
You shut up! "The New York Times" said my prose was lucid! Yeah! Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Are you all right? Don't say you're sorry.
I didn't know "The Times" liked your work.
six, seven - I must have missed it.
eight, nine, 10! - It's over.
- (bell dings) Yes! Yes! Whoo! You were amazing.
I'm so proud of you.
You want to come over again tonight and celebrate? I can't.
I already have a urinary tract infection.
I always get them after I have sex.
I don't know why.
Well, we don't have to have sex.
We could just hang out.
No, it would be too frustrating.
We'll see each other in a week.
I'll drink a ton of cranberry juice.
But I have to go now.
I'm meeting some friends.
You were an animal.
Stella? Come on, George.
No no, that's a low blow a low blow.
- Watch those rabbit punches.
- Tell him.
Come on.
Beautiful beautiful.
Quit holding on to me like a little schoolgirl.
You're holding on to me.
Yeah, everyone can see it's you holding on to me.
Why are we doing this again? You said my mouth was shaped like the anus of a starfish.
- (bell dings) - Yes! - Yeah.
- Nice, George.
You're destroying him.
Holy shit, "Edition" might beat "GQ.
" I know, I know.
It feels so good.
Keep working yourjab.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
You got him.
(mouths) (bell dings) Stay loose, stay loose.
Stay loose, champ.
Touch gloves.
At the bell, fight.
This is your round, George.
This is your round.
Come on, George.
Go, George.
Come on, George.
You got him.
- George, get up.
- George, get up.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10! - It's over.
- (bell dings) (laughing) Who's the hermaphrodite now? Who's the hermaphrodite now? You showed a lot of heart, George.
I think I'm gonna skip out on the post-fight drinks.
This whole violent thing has turned Leah on.
She wants to have sex tonight.
It's the first time in weeks.
- That's great, Ray.
- Thanks.
Oh, there she is.
You guys were great tonight.
What can I tell you, George? It's life, isn't it? It's the law of the jungle.
It's Darwin.
Whatever you say, Richard.
I'll see you around campus.
Okay, champ? (clicks tongue) (mouths) Hey, let's get in there one more time.
Thank you.
Do you think we learned anything tonight? No.
But that's okay.
It's good to stay in the dark about things.
It keeps life interesting.
George, I'm glad you're in my life.
I'm glad you're in mine, Jonathan.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Oh, I see.
Yeah yeah, that's what it is.
Oop, I think I got the reach on you there.
Yeah, that's true.
But I have the lower center of gravity.
(laughing) It allows me to do things like this.
Oh, slow down, you little bugger.
(theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me All the shadows in the city All right Bored to death, plus expenses The only trouble is my sentence You said you'd never love another A Russian doll, one inside the other.
(whistle blows) Don't both of you think this whole fight thing between two magazines is a bit ridiculous? - Well - Yes, but it's good publicity, especially in today's publishing market.
And from what I understand George's magazine can really use the ink.
I agree.
Our whole fight is inane.
I'm doing this because Richard challenged me and, as a gentleman, I accepted.
But Richard challenged you because you wrote, among other things, that he had the penis of a hermaphrodite.
That was sloppy journalism.
I do want to apologize to any hermaphrodites who may have been insulted by an unflattering comparison.
(bell dings) So why are you two fighting? Richard's my boss and he said I had to.
For a team to win in a match like this, it has to be the best two out of three, and he said that we needed a cartoonist on our side since Ray is a cartoonist.
L I really love your comics, by the way.
- Oh, thank you.
- (bell dings) They say that the pen is mightier than the sword, but when we meet in the ring my fist will be mightier than my pen.
I wish your pen were mightier than your fist, Jonathan, but your honest assessment of your talent is quite commendable and appreciated.
Cheers.
(bell dings) I'm looking forward to being punched.
I've never actually practiced S&M, but I've always wanted to and, you know, this seems like a really good opportunity, especially since I'll be hit by someone - whose work I admire.
- (bell dings) I think that a homoerotic subtext is precisely what this fight needs to make it more lively.
Oh, I'm sorry to put you on the spot, Mrs.
Antrem, but you've been married to both of these gentlemen.
What do you think of all this? I think the whole thing is absurd.
I don't want either of them getting hurt.
Hands up all the time.
The guy you're fighting is tall.
Remember, you gotta make a sandwich.
Your hands are the bread.
Your head is the meat.
Protect the meat.
Okay, Sal, thank you.
Bread, meat.
I've really been fantasizing about beating Louis Greene.
He's been rude to me one too many times.
Yeah, I have nothing against the weirdo that I'm boxing, but I'm looking forward to kicking his ass, you know? I keep having this daydream that if I win I get Priscilla back.
Why'd you ever lose her anyway? She was like a cat.
She'd never come to me when I wanted her to.
That's why I like dogs.
But when she did come to me, I mean, it was magnificent.
She was highly orgasmic.
When she sees what I do to Antrem in the ring, yeah, she'll be reminded of what it's like to be in bed with me.
(grunting, yelping) (panting) That's how you make love? (yelps) (phone rings) Hello.
Hey, it's Stella.
We met a few weeks ago at the co-op.
Yeah, hi.
How are you? I'm good.
(chuckles) And, I don't know, I was thinking about you and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight.
Um, I'm supposed to be working on my novel.
Well, I got this really good pot medical marijuana from California.
It could help with your writing.
Why don't you have shelves? My girl my ex-girlfriend took them with her when she moved out.
Mm.
Why don't you build some? I'm not very mechanical.
I could build them for you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I used to work for Habitat for Humanity.
- You did? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, well, I'm human.
Let's play.
I never miss when I'm stoned, or it's like I don't care if I do.
(snarling) - Come on.
- Let's go.
- What? - Game on.
What's the name of your basketball team? The, uh, In Your Face.
What's the name of your team? - The Kicking Your Butts.
- Oh, you are? That's weird.
It's kind of a stupid name for a team that doesn't even do that at all.
Oh really? Argh! Are you all right? I'm fine.
Where's the ball? (phone rings) Hello.
Is this Jonathan Ames? Yes.
Who's this? It's not important who it is.
What is important is that you take a dive in your fight with Louis Greene, or else.
Or else what? Or else we're gonna make George Christopher the laughingstock of the publishing world and maybe even the magazine world too.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about you taking a dive, Ames.
All right? I gotta go.
Bye.
Hello? Hello? Well, that's a weird phone call probably one of your disturbed friends.
No, you're my only disturbed friend who would do something like that.
Don't mention it to George.
I don't want to upset him.
Well, are you gonna do anything about it? No, nothing to do.
It's gotta be a prank.
Let me get you guys wrapped.
I had a really nice time with Stella last night.
She's the first girl since Suzanne I kind of have feelings for.
- Did you at least bang her? - Yeah, did you bang her? No, it was like a real date.
We played nerf basketball, listened to music.
We didn't even kiss.
What, are you in the fifth grade? I lost my virginity in the fifth grade.
What was his name? Father Francis.
Watch me now Feel the groove Into something Gonna make you move Day or night Dynamite We had fun But it's just begun It's just begun It's just begun.
I'm gonna kick your ass, Antrem.
You're an idiot, a fool, a slob.
I can't stand you.
You should never have married my ex-wife.
All right, George, you're gonna shoot your whole wad.
Save it for tomorrow night.
Yeah, you're right.
Thanks thanks.
Okay, stop stop.
Stop.
(wheezing) Hey, I want to thank both of you for supporting me in this whole thing.
I know it's delusional behavior, but it's important to me.
I like being delusional.
Yeah, me too.
We're delusional together.
Thank you.
We're gonna kick some major "GQ" ass tomorrow.
I can feel it.
I just hope I don't get a brain injury.
What is that, a bridge? (phone ringing) Hello.
Hey, practicing for your dive tomorrow night? Why should I? Because I have something you want.
What are you talking about? What do you have? I have a Viagra bottle.
The name on it George Christopher.
He's been on this stuff since 1997 plenty of refills.
How did you get that? Hey, you know what? Shut up.
Here's the drill: You're gonna take a dive in your fight tomorrow, or else this bottle's going to "Page Six" and Christopher, the so-called "ladies' man," is gonna be humiliated.
All right, gotta go.
Hanging up.
(laughter on TV) - What the fuck? - I'm Jonathan Ames.
Get the fuck out of here.
- What the hell is that thing? - You don't want to find out.
Where's the Viagra bottle? Hey, I don't know what you're talking about, asshole.
- Come on, man.
- Settle down.
- Shit, how did you find me? - You called from your home phone.
Amateur.
Hey, I'm not a fucking amateur.
Where did you get the Viagra? You can't make me talk.
This thing picks locks.
It also does a nice job on eardrums.
I got it from George Christopher's dumpster.
You're not smart enough to mastermind a job like this.
Who put you up to it? You know what? I'm a lot of things, but I ain't no rat.
- (clicks) - Louis Greene.
Hey, wait wait.
Don't tell Greene I screwed this up, all right? He'll be pissed off.
And he's supposed to give me $200.
You want to make that kind of money? Bet on Ames.
(phone rings) Hello.
Oh my God, really? No, yeah, send her up.
Priscilla, I am so happy to see you.
Hello, George.
Come in.
Come in.
Come in.
(exhales) - (phone ringing) - (groans) Hello.
It's Stella.
What are you doing? Trying to write.
My book's due tomorrow and now I've got Also I have a boxing match tomorrow.
I'm losing my mind.
Oh, shit.
I won't bug you then.
We'll do it another time.
The vaporizer I ordered finally arrived today.
- (whirring) - (both chuckle) Just squeeze down on that nipple and suck in the marijuana vapor.
It's like I've been instantly and beautifully lobotomized.
I know.
And it's healthy because it's invisible vapor.
Um (laughing) Your apartment is beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
It's a little cold, though, isn't it? I mean, I sort of float around here trying not to make a mess, almost like it's someone else's home.
George, I've come here to talk to you about something.
Your fight tomorrow Can we talk about the past first? I have no filters.
My frontal lobes may be going, but I have to say immediately that I haven't stopped thinking about you in 20 years and that you look very beautiful.
George.
I'm really glad that you could hang out.
There was this pollen in the air today that smelled like kissing.
Do you know that smell? Yeah.
I love that smell.
Do you remember our little apartment on West 11th with the curtains by the window? Yes, of course I remember.
Do you still like to role-play "Nosferatu"? (chuckles) 'Cause every couple of months I have this recurring dream where I'm in the curtains, hiding, and that I'm kissing your neck.
George, I don't want you to fight Richard tomorrow.
What? What? I can't back out.
I'd be humiliated.
He challenged me.
He would never tell you, but he has a heart condition.
He shouldn't exert himself.
What do you want me to do? Just let him win.
What do you call it? You know, take a dive.
Wait, going back, when you say that he can't exert himself, does that mean? Yes, we haven't had sex in two years.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Mm.
Oh, God.
I'm married.
Oh, God.
Oh, George.
George.
I think I'm still coming.
My whole body is vibrating like a tuning fork.
I'm glad.
I'm not vibrating, but I do feel really good.
Why couldn't you write your novel? I don't know.
I just wasn't into it.
I don't mean to give you advice, but my writing teacher said that you should only write about what you love.
I'm not a writer, but that's what I try to do when I paint.
Hmm.
What do you love? I love being a part-time private detective.
I actually solved a case today.
Then that's what you should write about.
Want to vaporize some more pot? I want to vaporize you.
That was lovely, George.
I know.
Thank you for being so sweet to me.
It's not hard to be sweet to you.
I think that we've entered a third act, despite what Fitzgerald says about there being no second acts in life.
We were married, divorced, and now lovers.
Will you throw the fight? Actually, I kind of like this girl Stella.
She's sexy as hell, smart, Jewish, has a great vaporizer.
Sounds like your mother.
I'd like to try a vaporizer.
Do you think I blew it by having sex? Do you think I'll lose to Greene? Sal said we weren't supposed to drink or have sex before the fight.
I want to do what Sal says.
Well, I had sex and booze.
Who did you have sex with? I can't really say, but I have no regrets.
It's the first time I haven't had to use Viagra in years.
Oh, look, it's the losing team.
Yeah, we're not supposed to see each other till the fight.
What, is this a wedding? I can't see you in your dress? Don't be such a frail plant, George.
Save it for the ring.
- Hoo! - (groans) Hi, Ray.
Hey, Jonathan, many fighters choose to listen to music before a fight.
It gets them pumped up.
I've chosen to listen to your audiobook.
I find it properly enraging, so thank you.
I have the Viagra bottle, Louis.
That was a dirty trick you tried to pull.
You don't read much Machiavelli, do you, Jonathan? There are no dirty tricks, just winning and losing.
Don't worry, I'm prepared to beat you even playing by the rules.
(laughing) (crowd cheering) "GQ"! "GQ"! "Edition"! "Edition"! Are you gonna be all right? Not to worry.
I'm fighting a masochist.
He'll be okay.
Okay, look, I'm gonna do the old rope-a-dope, just like Will Smith in "Ali.
" I watched it last night.
You mean, like Ali? Yeah, but I didn't see Ali.
I saw Will Smith playing Ali.
Anyway, I'm gonna exhaust this guy by doing rope-a-dope.
- All right, champ.
- Okay, let's go.
Ray, kick his ass.
Come on.
Go Ray! Remember, hands up.
Go get him.
Go get him.
Gentlemen, I want a good, clean fight.
Protect yourselves at all times.
Touch gloves.
Hey, thanks for doing this.
Represent, baby! - Jonathan: Come on, Ray.
- Come on, baby.
(dings) Ray! What the fuck was that? - I'm getting up.
- Don't.
- Why? - Because I don't want you to get hurt.
I want you in one piece tonight.
- Really? - Yes, really.
eight, nine - I do love you, you know.
10! It's over.
(bell dings) Hey, man, get up.
I didn't get hurt yet.
I didn't mean to knock you down.
Oh, crap.
Yeah, that's not bad.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Holy shit, Stella came.
I didn't know she was coming.
In you go.
Huh? Sal, I suddenly feel scared.
That's normal.
All fighters are scared.
But once you get in the ring you're like a god.
But I'm agnostic.
I'll say a prayer for you.
I want a good, clean fight.
Touch gloves.
Go to your corners.
At the bell, fight.
(bell dings) - Go, Jonathan.
- Boom.
Protect the meat.
Your head is the meat.
Your hands yeah.
Come on, come on, buddy.
I'll say it again your first novel was amateurish at best.
Well, you are a lousy critic and a small-time blackmailer.
What do you know? Yeah.
Jab jab jab.
Do yourself and the reading public a favor if you feel the need to write, you can always keep a diary.
You shut up! "The New York Times" said my prose was lucid! Yeah! Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Are you all right? Don't say you're sorry.
I didn't know "The Times" liked your work.
six, seven - I must have missed it.
eight, nine, 10! - It's over.
- (bell dings) Yes! Yes! Whoo! You were amazing.
I'm so proud of you.
You want to come over again tonight and celebrate? I can't.
I already have a urinary tract infection.
I always get them after I have sex.
I don't know why.
Well, we don't have to have sex.
We could just hang out.
No, it would be too frustrating.
We'll see each other in a week.
I'll drink a ton of cranberry juice.
But I have to go now.
I'm meeting some friends.
You were an animal.
Stella? Come on, George.
No no, that's a low blow a low blow.
- Watch those rabbit punches.
- Tell him.
Come on.
Beautiful beautiful.
Quit holding on to me like a little schoolgirl.
You're holding on to me.
Yeah, everyone can see it's you holding on to me.
Why are we doing this again? You said my mouth was shaped like the anus of a starfish.
- (bell dings) - Yes! - Yeah.
- Nice, George.
You're destroying him.
Holy shit, "Edition" might beat "GQ.
" I know, I know.
It feels so good.
Keep working yourjab.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
You got him.
(mouths) (bell dings) Stay loose, stay loose.
Stay loose, champ.
Touch gloves.
At the bell, fight.
This is your round, George.
This is your round.
Come on, George.
Go, George.
Come on, George.
You got him.
- George, get up.
- George, get up.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10! - It's over.
- (bell dings) (laughing) Who's the hermaphrodite now? Who's the hermaphrodite now? You showed a lot of heart, George.
I think I'm gonna skip out on the post-fight drinks.
This whole violent thing has turned Leah on.
She wants to have sex tonight.
It's the first time in weeks.
- That's great, Ray.
- Thanks.
Oh, there she is.
You guys were great tonight.
What can I tell you, George? It's life, isn't it? It's the law of the jungle.
It's Darwin.
Whatever you say, Richard.
I'll see you around campus.
Okay, champ? (clicks tongue) (mouths) Hey, let's get in there one more time.
Thank you.
Do you think we learned anything tonight? No.
But that's okay.
It's good to stay in the dark about things.
It keeps life interesting.
George, I'm glad you're in my life.
I'm glad you're in mine, Jonathan.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Oh, I see.
Yeah yeah, that's what it is.
Oop, I think I got the reach on you there.
Yeah, that's true.
But I have the lower center of gravity.
(laughing) It allows me to do things like this.
Oh, slow down, you little bugger.
(theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me All the shadows in the city All right Bored to death, plus expenses The only trouble is my sentence You said you'd never love another A Russian doll, one inside the other.