Brews Brothers (2020) s01e08 Episode Script

Halle-fucking-lujah.
You finally moved out of the brewery.
[Adam laughs]
- I like what you've done with the place.
- Thank you.
My only regret is
I don't have enough space
to show all of my stein collection.
[folk music playing]
For that reason,
I give it three and a half Adams.
Can I get a glass?
I don't have any.
To Adam getting his own place,
and to Rodman's.
Yes. We're killing it, guys.
My buddy in Idaho told me
they're selling six-packs
of Weiss Power for, like, a hundred bucks.
Also, I found out
my buddy in Idaho is a Nazi.
And that's why we changed the name.
So, Adam, when is your furniture arriving?
It already has.
Yeah, that's my thinking chair.
Oh. Where's your
"I'm a pretentious asshole" chair?
No, it's the same chair.
- You really have an eye for decorating.
- Thank you.
Do you have a bed
or are you more of a coffin kinda guy?
I'm a hammock man.
You haven't lived until you've had
a day 30 eruption from your hammock.
Hmm. That explains the textured ceilings.
I thought it was stucco.
Oh, yes, these are definitely
little Adams up there.
Wow, Truffle, how was Vegas?
Oh, man, the Lord gave me so much luck.
I was on top of the world,
and then I came crumbling down.
- Yep.
- Yep.
- House always wins.
- Yes, the whorehouse.
Also, I lost a lot of money gambling.
I tried to return to the monastery,
but they said I broke too many vows,
including my vow not to have carnal acts
with a land turtle.
- That's a vow?
- It's called a tortoise.
[inhales] So, looks like I'm staying!
[laughs]
Yes! Oh, Brother Adam, I love your house.
[speaking German, gasps]
[speaks German]is this shit?
A bottle that fucks you and fucks you up?
[laughs]
- What?
- [gasps]
- This is an anal bottle, yes?
- [Adam] I don't follow.
- It can be taken anally.
- Yes.
- Oh, look, a shitting chair.
- No, that's a thinking chair.
- It's the same chair.
- Can't you stay with Becky and Elvis?
Oh, no, we are on the outs.
One of us gave the other two
something they are going to have
for a very long time.
Gonorrhea.
If that's the good one, then no. [slurps]
[theme music playing]
[bottle pops open]
Team, assemble.
One, two, three. That was easy.
Great news.
Because the brewery is kicking ass
and we cannot keep up with demand,
- we will drumroll, please!
- [imitates drumroll]
Have you heard a drum before?
- We're hiring more people.
- Wait, can they start now?
We have a shitload to do
before the beer festival.
Soon. Have patience.
Can't wait to have somebody else
scoop out this crap.
And we need to make sure
that the tents at the beer festival
are big enough for these babies.
Huzzah! Ha!
Why, Will, why?
What? Everyone's gonna love it.
It's the best drinking game.
It's called Das Trinkpendel! The Trink!
[laughs] That directly translates
to "please humiliate me."
No, it means "drinking pendulum."
You put a beer in the hole
and then try and balance it
and take a sip without it spilling.
I wore these in East Belgium,
like, all the time.
And in so doing,
you answered the question,
"Who's the biggest loser in East Belgium?"
You promised if we introduced
your stupid smoked beer at the festival,
you'd wear one of these.
Okay, but that was before I knew
it looked like a medieval glory hole.
I see it.
- Sarah.
- Oh, yeah, no.
I'd rather have
this hipster Where's Waldo dress me.
I actually take that as a compliment.
Waldo was famously hard
to lock down for dinner.
Aw, come on, guys. It'll be fun.
Great. I'm gonna head out.
You guys should go with me.
- He needs help.
- Guys, come on.
I learned carpentry for this! [groans]
[groans] Ow.
So, I'll waitress, bartend, mop.
Whatever you want.
- Great. You're hired.
- Yeah.
- It's all yours.
- Really?
I'm so excited to be part of the brewery
that makes Weiss Power. [laughs]
Oh, man. Yeah, you gotta get out of here.
You gotta go.
- [speaks German] You gotta go.
- Sorry, was that German?
Oh.[speaks German]
Go, go! You thought speaking German
was gonna get her out?
- Go. You have to go. You have to go.
- Please!
Okay, well, it's not super glamorous,
but we are looking for someone
to clean out the kegs.
The pay is not great,
but at the end of the day,
you can take a growler home with you.
But can I leave a growler?
You!
You're the guy who shit on the street!
Oh, yes, good day, Senator.
How are the racehorses?
- You gotta get the fuck out of here.
- No, no, no.
- What?
- He intrigues me.
Feel free to check out my references.
Jeffrey Epstein.
He's like a sex trafficker of some kind?
- Hmm. He's an island man.
- [Adam] Oh.
Also, I can type three words a minute.
Eighty, if the word is "shits."
- "Shits"?
- [man] Yes.
Gentlemen,
as I'm relatively new to this process,
any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
You're not getting the job.
I'll see you soon.
Perhaps we'll have a doughnut
in the break room together
and bitch about Carol.
If you need me, I will be in the alley.
Okay.
We're hiring him, right?
[in German] I don't care whose scrotum
I need to suck on,
but I need this job!
[in English] What's he saying?
He's saying that he's going to be
a team player and work very hard.
- Yes.
- Truffle, you're hired.
Oh! [laughs]
That was really easy. Next!
No. My That's Why would
You think that's a good idea?
Okay, guys, so I will not be paying taxes,
because I'm a church.
Just FYI.
Another thing, guys, I cannot actually
carry too many things with my hands.
I will require some fresh pockets.
My guess is
we'll be probably paying you in pockets.
So when do we continue the interrogations?
It's not an interrogation.
It's an interview.
Like the bright light,
bright light, the machete.
You know, good cop, rude cop.
Hey, how's it going, boys?
- Sabrina, hey.
- Who are you? Sit down!
This is Sabrina, our distributor.
Uh, Warren O'Brien.
Exec VP, Tempest Brands.
I distribute several beers
for Warren's firm,
and I thought, you know,
he might be interested in Rodman's.
No, no, I'm more than interested.
I mean, you guys are small,
but your growth for the past two quarters
has been outstanding.
I want to make an offer.
Great. How many cases
can we put you down for?
All of 'em.
He wants to buy the brewery.
You want to buy the brewery?
I'm sorry. I'm still confused.
Who are you exactly?
Tempest Brands produces and distributes
a wide array of adult beverages.
Now, primarily, we've focused on wineries.
[laughs] He sells grape juice.
But I'm wildly excited to be heading up
brewery acquisitions.
We acquire regional names
and then we transform them
into international iconic brands
with minimal rightsizing.
We love minimal rightsizing.
We talk about it all the time.
- Right, bud? Minimal rightsizing.
- Yeah. Except we don't know what that is.
Look, the best way to sound stupid is
to pretend that you're smart.
Look, guys,
I know this is a lot to take in,
but if you become part of Tempest,
you still get to run the brewery
as an independent subsidiary.
We'll leave you alone.
Except for some minor technical things
we need to work out.
- Small issues.
- [Adam] Mm-hmm.
Listen, your beer's incredible,
but the brewery's a mess.
- No, I know.
- I could stand to hear some more of that.
All right, listen. Take a look at this.
Take your time. Think about it.
- Get back to us. Let us know how you feel.
- We don't need to think about it.
Give me a pen. We'll take it.
Someone teach me how to write.
I'm speechless.
No, wait, I got two words:
- Holy fuck.
- Yeah.
"Holy fuck" is right.
It is a really good offer.
Just like that, the rich get richer. Mm!
Chuy, we're not rich.
We can maybe pay off
some credit card debt,
and I am going to purchase
some new underwear.
Okay, we don't know for sure
that we're even taking the offer.
We have to take the offer.
Even Friar Lucas agrees.
Stop saying "we."
Ooh, and both of our lipsticks
are currently exposed.
Hey, Adam's right.
We shouldn't rush into this.
Yeah, things are great now, okay, guys?
You don't want to rock the boat.
You guys are just worried new ownership
isn't gonna let you drink for free.
- No! I love this place.
- We just care about you.
[Jack] Yeah.
- Being here with little Beethoven.
- [Jack] Yeah.
- Chuy.
- The girl.
- [Matt] Jesus.
- Okay. Private meeting, please scram.
Cool.
Why wouldn't you take the offer?
I have spent my entire life
perfecting my beer recipes, okay?
I don't need some mega corp coming in
and tweaking them
to increase sales or something.
Okay, I thought they said
you'd be independent.
If nothing's changing except cash
in the bank, why not take it?
I will not be pressured
into taking a deal.
Though I will say,
I would make a great rich person.
I'm already, like, basically there.
I own, like, four monocles.
I don't care what you guys do,
as long as you get someone else
to clean that lauter tun.
Oh, I'll help you.
It's the least I can do for you
letting me stay with you.
Last night when he was sleepwalking,
he took a big old fat shit in my sink.
- [Wilhelm] Oh.
- It looks just like a Belgian urinal.
- That's not what they look like.
- They do when you're intoxicated.
Oh, tight. [chuckles]
I'm really proud of you guys.
Well, mostly you.
Thank you. Seriously, it means a lot.
And I'm gonna get Adam on board.
I don't know how.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- This is for you.
- [Sarah] Me?
What is it?
It's an advance on the bonus you will get
when this deal closes.
- [gasps] Oh, Will, I know.
- I could not have done this without you.
I am fully aware, but holy shit.
This is really generous.
Hey, this is definitely enough.
- Enough for what? [laughs]
- Enough to start my own business.
- What?
- [Sarah] Yeah.
Uh, after this whole UCLA incident,
that we should never talk about
ever again,
I'm kind of like, "fuck college,"
you know?
- [Will sighs]
- I'm good at this shit.
And with this bonus, thanks to you,
I finally can do it.
That's not what the bonus was for, but
- I think it's great.
- [laughs]
What type of business
are you gonna start?
I don't know. I'm really thinking, like,
a self-defense class
for kids and women in Long Beach.
I'm trying to take a break
of this whole "man" thing.
- [laughs]
- Long Beach? Wait. That is very far away.
Yeah, I know. I'd move there.
[sighs]
I think that's great.
Yeah.
[sniffs] Oh, my God, Will.
- No, that wasn't me. I did not squeak.
- Oh.
- What? Squeak? Who says that?
- I'll tell you later.
[groans]
[speaking German]
- [Chuy] Oh, hey. Um
- [Wilhelm gags]
The pig farmer dude hasn't showed up in
a few weeks to pick up this spent grist,
so I've been putting it in here.
No, Chuy, you can't do that.
It'll get moldy.
"Get"? I'm sorry, I'm out.
Will, you're on your own.
- No, Sarah! Solidarity
- [Sarah] No!
I love it.
This smells just like an undergarment
I own.
I ordered it from the internet.
Fix this before they come for inspection.
Ugh,
I need an emergency eyewash for my nose.
Wilhelm is wrong. Mold is a gift from God.
Some of the best cheeses have mold
in them.
Want to know what else you can do
- with moldy, spent grist?
- [Chuy] What?
I'm getting an idea.
- Mmm. Oh, yeah. Oh. [inhales]
- Aww.
That wasn't the idea.
- Oh, Chewbacca
- Yeah.
Come hop in this Millennium Falcon
with me.
[groans]
Adam, you got a second?
Okay.
I left out one major caveat.
I knew it. You want me
to brew a light beer, don't you?
Why don't you just drive on out of here?
Or better yet, just run me over
with this car.
It's about your brother.
We did our research, and we realize
who the real brewmaster in the family is.
I'm flattered.
Can't say I'm surprised,
but I'm flattered.
Wilhelm doesn't really fit into
our long-term plans for Rodman's.
He's rude to customers.
He showers with the hose you use
to clean the kegs.
And somehow he got banned
from the state of Oregon?
Yeah, I didn't
I hadn't heard any of that.
We have slightly higher standards
in our brewing.
But he's my brother.
But we see Rodman's
as a one-brewmaster operation.
You have full control.
Think about it.
- And, Adam
- Yeah.
Lose the monocle.
[Chuy] Ha ha! [mutters]
- Oh, hey, Sarah.
- Yo.
I heard you wanna be
an entrepreneur like me.
Maybe we should do something together.
Or maybe we should start
an entrepreneur society
where we go to strip clubs and get
all fucked up, like real businessmen.
Have you been to Bell's Gym?
Chuy, how do you spell "entrepreneur"?
How do you spell it?
Chuy, okay, you cheat on your time card,
you have 20 different side hustles
while working here,
and last week, you "borrowed" every keg
of our Late Checkout Pilsner,
so I am gonna pass.
[loud bang]
Shit.
Oh, my God.
[Truffle gulps]
[coughs] I'm trying to drink
through both holes at the same time.
[sniffles] I think it's like mastering
a Rubik's Cube.
Once I have the skill, I'll be able
to do it in under six seconds.
Uh, I need to go.
Tight.
[Truffle grunts] Oh, Scheiße!
Looks like we're going ass-to-mouth.
[chattering]
I really appreciate younot bringing
your own beer to Angel City again.
Because that was weird.
What are we talking about here?
We talking a little brotherly biz?
A little business cha-chang?
Somehow, you're more annoying
when you're happy.
Yeah, but I'm happy, so gives a shit?
What's up?
This place
This is what you wanted
Rodman's to become?
Yeah. It has everything.
I mean, the beer is great.
The hang is awesome. It's always crowded.
Yeah. You just described Rodman's.
Yes, I did.
We have a really good thing going,
and I don't want it to change.
Hell, yeah, man, why would it change?
We're not gonna let this thing
change us one bit.
- To selling our brewery.
- We're not selling the brewery.
- Classic Adam.
- No, no, I'm serious. I turned them down.
[stammers] No, that's impossible. How
Did you talk to them?
They were shocked, but I told them
I don't wanna ruin what we have.
They said they wouldn't interfere,
- but it's not worth the risk.
- Are you drunk?
You are only this sappy when you're drunk.
I actually enjoy making beer
with my brother.
I mean, I know that I hated it
when we first started,
and you were bad and unfocused
and derivative, and the things you'd do
- were kinda silly, and you made messes
- Skip ahead.
but now I like it.
Just the two of us,
without any outside influence.
You're an acquired taste,
like a Framboise lambic.
[laughs]
To making the perfect beer
and the perfect hang.
Adam, that's that's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
Dude, no, it it it is so much money.
Would it help if I put on
the stupid puppet contraption?
Yes, it would. Yes.
Fuck it. Fuck the major corporation.
Fuck big business.
The Rodman brothers are staying solo.
- Yes! Yeah!
- [laughs]
Let's not overdo it with the hug.
Don't make me change my mind.
Okay, so the festival started,
and we aren't even ready.
Where the hell's Truffle and Chuy?
That's what happens
when you promise bonuses, Will.
No incentive to show up at all.
Or you can do what Sarah did
and just quit.
Okay, you know what?
I'm still here, asshole.
Thank you so much for treating us
to your unpleasant small talk
for just a little longer.
By the way, what business
are you planning to go bankrupt in?
- Hmm. A self-defense class for kids.
- Oh.
But then I remembered I don't like kids.
And I really don't like self-defense.
I just prefer pummeling people.
So you're not leaving?
Oh, no, no, no,
I'm still starting a business.
I'm just thinking smoothie shop now.
As a seasoned pro of the food and beverage
industry, don't do it. It's a bitch.
My rauchbier display is all ready to go.
[clears throat]
You know, couple hundred years ago,
this was just how beer was made.
The kilning process was done
over a flame of logs.
That's how it got
that rich and smoky taste.
Oh, wow. And my small talk's unpleasant?
Will, will you make sure he doesn't
bore the customers into leaving?
Who could get bored with the Trink?
- Whoo!
- [Adam groans]
Wow. You know, the Tempest really can't
buy you two out soon enough. [scoffs]
- Funny she should mention that.
- [Wilhelm] Mm-hmm.
Hey, so we were gonna talk to you
about this after the beer festival,
but, um, since you brought it up
- [sighs] we decided not to sell.
- [laughing]
Okay, yeah, okay, you guys are idiots,
but you're not that dumb.
- [laughs] Okay.
- Oh, my God, you really are that dumb.
We have a good thing going.
We don't wanna ruin that.
- Let's not overdo it with the hugs.
- No, you do not have a good thing going.
You have a terrible business model,
made worse by the fact
you two can't get on the same page.
Usually,
two opposites complete each other.
Together, you two don't even make
a normal person.
[sighs] Okay, you guys,
you have an incredible opportunity
to save yourself
from your stupid-ass decisions,
and you just say no?
Fuck this. I'm out.
- No. Bye, Sarah.
- Hey!
- No, don't go.
- See you later.
Can I at least give you a goodbye hug?
[sighs]
- Oh! Ow! Will!
- Sorry.
You know what? Forget this.
Hey, don't worry about her, buddy.
We don't need her.
Now tell me how this stupid thing works.
What are the rules?
It's very simple.
Drink as much as you can
and spill as little as possible.
Just like life.
Excuse me.
Why does Rodman's Brewery have two tents?
Or are you trying to rip off the real one?
Sorry, if you're seeing two Rodman tents,
you're, like,
cartoon-level drunk right now.
No, it's way over there.
Just just saw it.
[crowd cheering]
- [clamoring]
- Cheers!
- Oh, shit!
- [Sabrina] Oh.
Well, you blew your chance.
We turned you down.
I've met some total idiots
in the brewing industry,
but they're all like rocket scientists
compared to you two.
You can't just take our business.
Well, you can when it's set up so poorly.
- We trademarked the beer names.
- Ha ha!
You know, see, here's the funny thing
about trademarking a beer.
You have to actually submit
the trademark application.
Yes, which we did. We filed it properly.
But I did find yours very impressive.
- That's not my handwriting.
- That's clearly your handwriting.
I particularly like the little spaceship
you drew on the back.
- [laughs]
- Those are our beers. You know
Good luck trying to replicate them.
I can't even do it half the time.
I'm no brewmaster, but aren't there, like,
four ingredients in beer?
It's nearly impossible
to patent those recipes.
But good luck for us, these guys know
exactly what they're doing.
- Hello.
- What's up, guys?
What the hell?
[Sabrina]
Yeah, it was pretty simple for our lawyers
to cut a deal with Chuy
and Truffle. [laughs]
For they are the new face
of the new and improved Rodman Brewery.
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Also, they've offered me pockets
with zippers,
a technology I thought was years away.
Chuy, I can't believe this.
Told you guys I was a businessman.
I just had to do the opposite of you.
You played us like a fiddle.
The fact that you stole all this out
from under us, though,
just shows how right I was to love you
in the first place, so respect.
I'd rather work for you guys,
but I need a job, man.
The anal bottle is mine now.
As is Friar Lucas.
Friar Lucas! Here, boy. [whistles]
I'm even losing my dog?
Yes. He was only on loan
from the monastery.
Should've just taken the offer
when we had a chance.
I'm sorry, what the fuck
are you talking about?
This is all your fault.
My fault?
Yeah, the only reason I backed out of it
'cause I was trying to protect you.
Protect me from what?
Tempest only wanted me, okay?
No. They wanted both of us.
I told them to tell you that
so that it would stroke your goddamn ego.
What?
Morons.
- So this was a fucking setup?
- [Wilhelm] Yeah.
I figured it was the only way
to convince you to sell.
You know, you'd gloat, be classic Adam,
and then I would go to Tempest
and pretend to beg for them
to let us work together.
I didn't think they were gonna steal
the fucking brewery!
I was trying to do the right thing
for once, okay?
And now I look like a fucking moron.
I will never be nice to people again.
Okay. Ow, you fucker!
[Wilhelm] No, fuck you!
- [Adam] Your shitty beard!
- [Wilhelm] Ow!
Look, I don't understand
why you wouldn't just stop me
from backing out!
Yeah, I was going to, and then you said
all that shit at Angel City,
and I didn't give a fuck about the offer.
I just wanted to brew beer with you.
You fucking moron.
You got confused by your own lie!
- Fucker!
- [Wilhelm] Get that shit out of my face.
Cicerone!
[crowd] Cicerone!
It's "Cicerone"!
[man] Hey, there's a fire. Fire!
No, it's not a fire.
It's just my rauchbier display.
Are all those flames from that, too?
[both] Scheiße.
No, no, no, no, no! Come on!
It feels very fitting.
- Somehow, this is your fault.
- How?
Does this ring a bell?
I am never working with you again.
[sighs]
[Wilhelm] No, no, no, no, no!
What? What's happening?
No, no, no!
Guys, guys! Hey! No, this is my brewery.
You can't do this.
[power tool whirs]
What? No, no, no! Everyone stop, okay?
This is This is Rodman's.
I'm Rodman's, okay?
[stammering] The Rod Guzzler, that's me.
The penis on the wall, that's mine, okay?
You can't just take that from me.
No. Hey, please, you can't do this.
My name's still on the lease.
Not anymore.
- [coughs]
- You had some health violations,
so we ripped up the lease.
No. Okay, look. This isn't my fault,
all right? You can't count this.
That's not my semen.
That's not Rodman semen.
You see how that makes it worse?
No, no. Hey, that's my stuff, guys.
Please, no.
- Oh, no!
- Go. All of it. Go.
[whimpers] That's definitely my semen.
[sighs, groans]
Look who needs a place to live now.
I have nowhere else to go, man.
Take that thing off, please.
[sighs]
Might as well make
one more horrible mistake. How about that?
Let's do it. Let's open another brewery.
How?
The advance I gave to Sarah
pretty much cleaned me out.
I could sell my stein collection.
- You'd do that?
- No, no. I'm done being noble.
[knocks] Hey-o! Can I interest anybody
in some Tempest brand beer?
[laughs] Too soon?
What are you doing here?
You come here to gloat?
Look, I've been racking my brain
about what kind of business I want
to start
that I actually see myself enjoying,
and every time, it comes back to beer.
Oh, wow.
You're gonna open a rival brewery as well.
Why don't you get the hell out of here?
- Why don't you sit the fuck down?
- Okay.
But it's because I choose to.
Look, with the bonus, thank you,
and with everything I've saved up,
I was thinking of starting a brewery
with you guys.
- [Sarah laughs]
- Seriously?
Only if the three of us
are equal partners.
And I get to make the business decisions.
- Yes! Yes, yes, I'm in.
- [laughs]
A business throuple. I like it.
- But no guiches.
- Okay.
Enjoy these and then say goodbye.
We need to come up
with some new beer ideas.
I'm just really tapped out right now.
Yeah. I might be tapped out as well.
To get the creative juices flowing,
I have to be around another beer master
who loves and understands the craft
like I do.
No offense, but you guys don't get it.
So where do we go
to get some beer inspiration?
I know one place.
Scheiße.
[Wilhelm]
Ah, I've taken this path so many times.
- [grunts]
- [Sarah laughs]
What a surprise.
Welcome, my friends.
- [Wilhelm] Thank you, Brother Thomas.
- Sarah would love to be initiated.
- What?
- Oh! Bring out the waterpijp!
- [Sarah] What's a waterpijp?
- [Thomas laughs]
[theme music playing]
[beer cracks open]