Broad City (2014) s01e08 Episode Script

I thought we were all wearing our old catering uniforms together.
Nobody said that, dude.
You're supposed to return it when you quit.
Yeah, Ilana, we're not caterers at Darcy's wedding, - we're guests.
- I know, Morgan, thanks.
Abbi, can you believe that Darcy's the first of the trifecta to get married? I can she's been engaged for like seven years.
Oh, my God, Ilana, you have to take so many pictures of us tonight.
Yeah, it will be fun.
I mean, sorry, not of us, of the trifecta-me, Abbi, and Darcy.
I worked with you guys, too.
I thought we were the quad.
Honestly, Morgan's boner for you is so big you can see it from space.
You should just let her suck it already.
So, now I have the boner? I thought that Morgan had the boner.
Oh, my God, Connecticut is so classy.
God, no it isn't.
Why are we even going there? Don't be insane, Ilana, I mean Darcy is marrying the heir to Jennifer friggin' Convertibles.
It's gonna be so amazing.
I brought all the essentials-gum, Adderall, and poppers.
We gotta bring our A-game, bitches.
There better be good boys there.
I'm the first woman in my family to be 25 and still single? This year I had to bring myself up to minorities, and still nothing.
Move our asses, bitches! Got some good momentum.
Come on! It's so crazy that you're coming with me to this wedding, right? No.
It's only our second date.
It's not crazy at all.
Plus I get to see you in this dress, maybe out of it.
Will! Okay, chill.
We've got time.
I'm pumped.
I love weddings.
I crush at weddings.
Wait till you see me on the dance floor.
Um, Ilana, what are we even doing in Grand Central? Is there a garage in here or something? Where's your mom's car parked? Uh, Long Island.
Uh, Ilana, what the frick! You said that we could get your mom's car for this trip.
I e-mailed you every day for like two months.
I didn't get any e-mails.
Is your e-mail address still Ilanawaxler@vagina.
com? No, it's mindmyvagina.
com.
That's why.
Don't worry, dude, chill.
I got us tickets.
Oh, my God, we gotta go.
Come on, we got a couple minutes! Uh, Ilana, why is there no 2:10 train to Bridgeport anywhere? I don't know I'm not a conductor.
Ilana, these are Amtrak tickets, dude.
It only runs outta Penn Station.
Oh, gross.
Alright, let's go, come on.
I-I can't run.
I'm gonna sweat off my concealer.
Holy (bleep)! This place really is majestic.
Taxi! Taxi! -It's been a whirlwind, right? -I know.
- Both been having fun.
- Yeah.
- Talked about getting that dog.
- Uh-huh.
But, um, Penn Station.
I can't.
It's disgusting.
It's kind of a deal-breaker for me.
Okay, I'm confused.
Maybe this is one of those romantic New York City stories where you meet someone amazing, and then tragedy happens.
And they're gone, and you never see them again, and you wonder what they did with their whole life.
- Good luck, kid.
- Taxi's here.
Come on! Okay, everybody in.
Abbi, sit by me.
I don't even know what just happened.
Okay you sit in the middle, but I don't wanna sit next to Ilana.
Sure, sit on Morgan's boner.
Guys, I just got dumped.
Abbi, wait! Wait! Wait! Oh, it's just not meant to be.
Oh, my G, my God, you guys remer Brian O.
, the head bartender? He stopped eating carbs and got totally ripped.
My brother did that-he doesn't eat carbs-he's jacked.
Anyway, he became a DJ in Provincetown, then he OD'd.
Dead! Wow, geez.
Only the good die young, huh? You know, I'm not over Amy Winehouse.
It's like we knew it would happen, but we didn't do anything about it.
I didn't "know her" know her, but I still miss her.
You guys remember Steff? Yes, the one who used to eat out of the trash Ew, right, okay.
So, she worked that retirement party, married some old dude and then OD'd a week later at Bryant Park on the carousel.
Dead! You remember Ray (bleep) Are you okay? Oh, my gosh, are you all right? Everybody okay? Kevin, your nose is bleeding.
Oh, no, this isn't from the crash.
It happens all the time.
But I need to get outta here before the cops come.
Everybody out.
Go, go, go! - Can you take this? - Yeah.
Whoo! I am hot, too.
I have blotting sheets if anybody needs.
I could use one.
You might need two, sweetheart.
Oh, my God! It left us.
It left without us! What? No! No, no.
Oh, my God! All right, okay! We gotta go right now! Come on, let's move it! Move it! Move, move, move! Come on! No, no, no, no! Eighth Avenue.
Ilana, come on, move it! Move it! Come on! Abbi, I'm behind you! So, it's $70 a day to rent a car.
Totally doable.
Do you wanna insure the driver? - Yes.
- Yes.
Do you want to insure against other cars? - Yes.
- Yes.
Potholes? - Yes.
- Yes.
Weather? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Trees? - Uh-huh.
God? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Transition insurance for when I pull the car around make sure you get that last one I'm a terrible driver.
- Okay.
- Sure.
With all that, it comes to $125.
Okay.
License and credit card, please.
Oh.
You're under 25.
That changes things.
That'll be $1,100.
Oh we're gonna need one moment, please.
Thank you so much.
All right, come 'ere, huddle up.
Okay, so, we both know that I'm know is that my license is expired.
We're gonna need to come up with a plan in the next 20 seconds inside this huddle, 'cause when I created the huddle, I thought by this time I'd have a plan.
I don't.
- I'm gonna keep - Here's my license and the AMEX should cover insurance.
This isn't a sugar daddy thing.
This is just an old, established "guy paying for his younger friend he has sex with" kind of thing, so just get that right out of your mind, you know? Well, you're all set.
There's only one vehicle left.
It doesn't have AC, but it's really spacious.
We'll take it.
Oh okay.
Gotta love that transitions insurance.
Man, it's hot in here.
Gotta commend you, I got adult braces two years ago, and it was the best decision I ever made.
Check me out.
- Oh, those are nice.
- Yeah, yeah.
But these aren't braces.
They're mouth scaffolding, just to hold my teeth in.
Mouth scaffolding? I've never heard of that.
I'm a dentist, and I haven't heard of that.
I went to Nicaragua for 'em.
They were so reasonable.
Okay, you're dancing against the truck right now.
You gotta dance with it, girl.
God, this is terrible.
I don't know.
It kinda feels good on my back.
Yeah, I mean it's actually kinda fun.
Good save, Morgan.
Abbi, do you remember that holiday party that we thought that we ran out of cheeseballs, and then it turned out we had more cheeseballs in the back? Yeah, the cheeseballs.
Yeah.
I'm not gettin' married until everyone can get married.
Why did you look at me when you said "everyone"? What do you mean? What do you mean? You gay, man.
Oh, yeah, I am.
I'm totally gay.
I got it now.
I got what you mean.
Abbi, do you remember that time the chicken satays were way underdone? Do you remember? I still laugh about it.
This bitch is unraveling.
I am well aware.
What are we laughing about? I don't know.
God, I can't believe Will didn't go to Penn Station.
What a little bitch.
It's the most vibrant place in the city, and they have really good sushi.
You know what, I'm fine that he left.
He had a really big penis.
How big, how big, how big? Like, think earth, like think earth.
Coke can, plantain big.
Oh, God! What are those? Poppers.
What do they do? They loosen your butthole.
Why you takin' it right now? 'Cause we're going to a wedding.
Hello? Abbi, this keeps happening to you.
You're like a magnet for elephant dongs God, you know who had the really big dick? My brother, Mitchell.
Hold on, Morgan, did you say something about your brother's dick? I didn't mean to say that.
Just forget it.
Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete.
Everybody okay? Why would Jesus give us a flat tire? Well, he did, Morgan.
God, it is over! Guys, the Sei Wah bus runs every half hour.
Ew, disgusting, Ilana.
You're disgusting.
I think that's our only option right now, so Yeah, okay, Abbi, you're totally right.
I agree with you.
You know, we could ride down.
Ilana, we are in formalwear.
We cannot bike down.
It's 4:00 o'clock.
We're not getting a cab right now.
This is our best bet.
Totally.
Okay, so to recap-Abbi and I have decided that we're going to bike down to the Sei Wah bus, okay? - Whoo-hoo! - Great.
All right, come on on, let's go.
Come on, come on, come on! - Let's go! - Abbi, I'm coming! Lincoln, come on.
I can't.
Someone has to stay with the truck and call the rental car company.
I can't leave you here by yourself.
You can't not go to a wedding you RSVP'd to.
You have to respect the sanctity of the RSVP.
I was uncomfortable at the fact that you were my date to a wedding that's like so legit.
But now that you're not coming, I'm bummed.
And that makes me uncomfortable in a different way.
Are you just sayin' that so I'll do the rest of the dance? The what? What's painfully ironic about this is that I love weddings the most.
Pump it, pump it! You guys, if we don't pick up the pace, we're gonna miss this 4:30.
Harder, harder! You are warriors of change right now.
What are your passions? Who lights your fire? Gossip! Rihanna's instagram.
My brother! Never mind! Delete, delete that! Hey, Kevin, what's up with your bike, dude? We're all on city bikes.
What? I thought we were all stealing bikes.
I-I-I can't go back to prison, Ilana! I can't go Whoo! High on life! Look at me now, solstice! Whoo! Yeah! Look at me now, New York City! Whoo! Okay, so, if we make this bus, then we'll just miss the cocktail hour, but we'll make it time for apps before the ceremony.
This is the opposite of the time the trifecta took the Jitney to the Hamptons.
I never heard about that.
It it wasn't a big deal.
We just went to the Hamptons for the weekend.
Darcy's parents have a timeshare.
That was a really crazy weekend, huh, Abbi? I don't know if it's really worth talking about.
Okay, I think it's very much worth talking about.
Remember we went to that club, The Elm? The Elm, that sounds cool.
It wasn't.
Oh, my God, she doesn't know? Know what? Oh, this is gonna be so rich.
Okay, when we went to the Hamptons, Darcy and Abbi made out.
It was before I knew you.
Ilana, it's not a big deal.
It's a huge deal.
You said that if you were ever gonna do same-sex experimentation, it was gonna be with me.
I have never said that to you.
It has been implied.
By you.
Well, implications get responses, and it takes two to tango.
Oh okay.
Oh, my God.
Where are we even? Confess to the nervousness As we stumble to the close of the troubled chapter These notes have been torn But we don't know the truth burns through It's a total disaster But if you could see what your eyes reflect From your soul through the If you could look past what divides is petty Wondering if you can Won't you let me, won't you let me be Ilana, there'seats.
I'm gonna sit with somebody whose yet to shatter my world.
Hello, new friend.
Yeah.
You okay? Yeah, I'm just-I'm listening to this relaxation mix.
Do you wanna? All right, sure.
too shall pass.
You are beautiful, you are strong, you are supple, Morgan.
What is this? My brother made if for me.
He's a yoga teacher.
Isn't it helpful? He's good, right? Ilana, will you just come on and sit back here? No, I will not just "come on," and you know why.
'Cause you made out with Darcy.
You told him? Fine.
You know what else Darcy and I did? We touched boobs.
We touched boobs, We touched boobs! We touched boobs! We touched boobs! We touched boobs.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, what is this? It's a fish! Oh, my God! Get out! Move, move, move! I'm getting out! I'm getting off of this bus! I hate you all! It's going down my underwear.
Oh, God! Ilana, F-you! You did this to bring down the trifecta.
Morgan, what are you talking about? We don't even hang out anymore.
There's no trifecta.
It's more of like a duo now.
So Oh, my God, keep talking.
- I'm legit gonna cry.
- Okay.
- Oh my god.
- Well, fine! Have fun doing all your drugs together, you druggie lesbian dudes! Go (bleep) your brother, dude.
You smell.
All right, give me Lincoln's clothes.
-I'll change.
-Okay, I'll block you, and I'm gonna peek.
No, dude, you're not peeking.
Come on.
Fine, today you can peek.
This one time.
Well, you didn't get flat tire insurance.
What do you mean I didn't get flat tire insurance? I bought every insurance you offered.
Before I rented you the car, I went through an itemized list.
If you wanted flat tires covered, you should have asked for flat tires.
I'm not a mind-reader.
Listen, Mary, I've had an awful day.
I was on my way to a wedding, I wasn't able to make the wedding.
Imagine how disappointed I am.
I shine at weddings.
You can't look the other way on this? Look the other way? Yeah? You think 'cause you come in here in your little short-shorts looking all Idris Elba that I'm supposed to like give everything up? Idris Elba? Don't act like you don't know.
You look like him.
All right, well, Mary, where do I sign? Wait, are we talking Luther or the Wire? Oh, I was supposed to tell you something.
Anything.
Mom called.
She needs your social.
Did you write it down? No, that's why I'm telling you now? Mitchell, what's the point of telling me now? I'm just gonna forget it.
Go, you're so much like dad.
I don't know.
I think I'd be Penn.
- I get to be Teller? - You wanna be Teller? I'll be whoever you don't wanna be, you know? - Oh.
- That's what I mean.
Whoa.
I feel bad.
- I have to tell Darcy we can't come.
- She's fine.
She invited 300 other people.
Great.
They're not coming either.
Let's just do this.
Do you, Darcy Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do, he does, whatever.
You smell good now.
Oh, you smell like Lincoln.
Yeah, I smell exactly like Lincoln.
I'm gonna grab the N train around the corner.
Me, too.
- I'm headed that way.
- Okay, cool.
Huh.
We are perfect gentlemen, dude.
We're in tuxes.
- Right, it's like - We have to.
Right? Your call, bud.
- Captain.
- I say we do it.
Let's do it this day.
Hello, Sir.
Oh, my gosh, thank you.
They've completely remodeled.
This used to be carpet.
Love hardwood floors.
- Ilana? - What?