Bupkis (2023) s01e08 Episode Script

1
Wake up, gentlemen! Good morning!
Shake off that morning wood.
It's another beautiful day.
OK, wake up! Open those fucking eyes.
Here we go. All right, listen up.
In about 50 minutes, we got
morning meeting led by me.
That's right. We all know that.
After that, it's a banging breakfast.
We got pancakes, we got scrambled eggs,
we got French toast, Texas toast,
every fucking toast you want.
All right, listen,
after that, we have 45
- Fuck, fuck.
- Minutes of free time, boys.
And after that, we
got some motherfucking
group therapy, right?
Yeah.
That's when we open ourselves up
and we change the universe, all right?
That is followed by a nonmandatory
arts and crafts session
with the lovely Betty.
Betty has been making bracelets
in the greater Tarrytown
area for the past 40 years.
Let's give a warm welcome for Betty,
and nobody ask her about
her deceased husband
this time, all right?
I think it's gonna be the best day
of our lives today, boys.
Let's do it! Peace out.
- How you doing today?
- OK, sir.
What drugs are you trying to get into?
- Huh?
- What you want?
Some painkillers? What they got you on?
Oh, they got you on that shit, bro.
Whoa!
You going to have a good day.
I'm just we're just bringing some
of these upstairs because we have extra.
That's cool, man.
No, you do whatever you got to do.
Yeah, it is cool.
Mind your business.
What we do back here, don't worry about.
Don't fuck with me.
I do your meds.
I can give you meds
that give you titties.
- Titties?
- He'll really do it.
He's done it. Gave a guy milkers.
- Milkers?
- What up, Nelson?
Fuck you!
Looking cute today, baby.
That's my guy right there.
Not gonna cheek that, are you?
Huh?
You know, hide the pill in your cheek.
A lot of guys here think
they're really smart.
They pretend to take their meds,
then they go up in their
room, and they crush the pills,
and they snort it.
Are you a cheeker?
No, sir.
That's good.
Ah.
I'll be keeping an eye on
those cheeks regardless.
OK.
Good job, boss.
All right. Let's start.
Donnie, take it away.
Hey, guys. Name's Donnie.
- Hi, Donnie.
- Hey, Donnie.
And I'm here because
of the fucking Giants.
We talked about this already.
You're supposed to move past that.
Well, you know, years
of betting on this team,
I lost everything.
I lost my family, I lost my businesses,
but I don't give a
fuck because I'm loyal.
I'm loyal. I'm staying in it.
I'm gonna be there next
week. Not like my wife.
Fucking bitch.
I don't give a shit, OK?
And I'll be honest with you.
I think we got a shot
this year, you know?
I'm taking the points because
they're going to cover, OK?
They're going to cover.
All right.
Thank you for sharing.
Joey.
Uh, hi, I'm Joey.
Hey, Joey.
I am here because I hurt and I lied
to everybody I've ever cared about,
and it was 100% the right decision
'cause it got me more cocaine.
Cocaine.
That sweet manna given
to us by God in exchange
for all the ways He has wronged us.
I mean, the convulsions of
bliss surfing through my body
after each bump, it's irreplaceable!
OK, enough of that.
You ever look into the eyes
of a newborn child and you know,
that's my flesh and blood?
Yeah?
Well, that is dog shit in comparison
to a half a gram of decent coke.
OK. All right, Joey.
Don't you think maybe that's enough?
Do I think it's enough?
I obviously don't.
Hey, I'm Cam'Ron.
I just needed time off from my schedule,
so I told them I was addicted to nuke.
That's not even a drug.
I seen that shit in "Robocop 2."
Jadakiss.
Eli Manning.
Quarterback, Ole Miss.
Eli?
- Pete.
- Huh?
Please, introduce yourself to the room.
Um
I am Pete
Ha-ha, found your ass.
Gentlemen.
Hello, everybody. Hello, hello, hello.
My dude.
Are you real?
- What?
- Are you real?
What the fuck are you talking about?
- Yes, I'm real.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just having a
fucking weird day, dude.
Yeah. Like, this party sucks.
Let's go smoke a joint.
We're in fucking rehab.
- What?
- It's it's
it's rehab.
Ah.
OK, yeah, see,
Amy gave me the address,
but she did not tell me
that this is where I was going.
Hey, guys, we're all
here to get better, OK?
So who the fuck are you?
Uh, I'm Colson.
- Hi, Colson.
- Hi, Colson.
Hi, Machine Gun Kelly.
He even knows who you are.
Let me just state for the group,
You guys might be big shots
outside those doors, but inside here,
you're nobody, OK?
Celebrity means nothing here.
In here, we're all equals.
We're all here to get better.
Yeah, listen to Michael, you guys.
This place is pretty awesome.
You just have to come in here
about seven or eight times
for it to actually work.
How many times has this been for you?
Like, a soft five.
I've been here 15 times, OK?
And now the world is my fucking oyster.
Hey, Amy.
Hey, Evan. Listen.
Pete is not returning any of my calls.
Yeah, well, he's in rehab, you know?
So, uh, I'm sure they,
like, took his phone.
I just want to make sure he knows
about Casey's graduation, all right?
She's been working really hard.
She deserves to be celebrated.
I'm tired of her feeling
like she's being punished
for being the good kid, OK?
Pete should be there.
Yeah, um, I'll make sure he knows.
You know, I support
everything he's doing there,
but I'd really like
for Pete to be there.
So can I write him a note or something?
I mean, I promise we
won't give him any drugs.
I won't even give him
aspirin. He'll drink Sprite.
Yeah, I'm not really sure
that's how rehab works,
but, uh, yeah, yeah.
- You do that.
- All right, bye.
Bye.
Follow the lady. Keep your eyes peeled.
Watch.
All right.
Ooh, the blue ones!
These are my favorite.
They make me forget my childhood.
Mm!
Hello, Donald.
- Hey.
- You got a sec?
Yeah.
How you doing? Feeling at home here?
I'm going to see Betty.
Make a bracelet for my daughter.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Quick question. It'll
only take a second.
Yeah?
Are you and me gonna
have a fucking problem?
What are you talking about?
- What am I talking about?
- Yeah.
- Are you a cheeker?
- I got to
I got to make a bracelet.
- Come here.
- Yeah?
Spit it out.
- I don't
- Spit it the fuck out.
I'm sorry.
You proud of yourself?
- I'm not.
- All right.
Guess who's not going
to movie night tonight?
Get the fuck out of here.
You cheeking?
You cheeking, Pete?
Hey, Father, um, it's
it's been 20 years
since my last confession.
Um, I'm not really sure
if what I've done could
even really be forgiven.
Do not worry, my son.
There's nothing our
Father can't forgive.
There's nothing He hasn't heard.
OK.
Well, um
I, uh
It was actually pretty nice
- I got to get out of here.
- Take it easy, boy.
Listen, I'm John L Sullivan,
a Hollywood director.
Somebody slugged me. I
got to get out of here.
A Hollywood what?
Take it easy, will you?
Knock, knock.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Come to take you to your treatment.
Eh, don't worry about it.
I'm using their Russian car service.
- They let me smoke in the car.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm going to take you.
And, uh, we have Casey's
graduation in a few days.
- You remember, right? -
Mm-hmm, I know all about it.
I'm gonna figure it out. I'll be there.
Don't worry.
And I don't need you to take
me to the hospital, either.
I know I don't need to. Why
should you go by yourself?
Because I don't want
anybody seeing me like that.
Yeah, God forbid someone sees
you in a moment of weakness.
It'll shatter the illusion.
Listen, I'm a big girl.
I want to spend as much
time with my dad as I can,
so will you stop being such a jerk
and let's get out of here?
Listen, where I come from,
you don't talk about it,
you don't complain about it.
It's your time to go, you just go,
so that's what it's about.
You have my permission to die.
Thank you.
I would like to spend
a little bit of time
with you before that,
if that is all right.
So please, can we get out of here?
Uh, Amy, Amy, Amy.
What am I gonna do with you?
Shanks.
Shwelcome.
Forest Point?
Hi, I need to get a
message to a resident.
Well, which one?
He's under the name Hank Mardukus.
Yeah, we don't have
a Hank Mardukus here.
He's, uh, in the entertainment field.
Yeah, we got a lot of people
in the entertainment field here.
We got MGK just walked in, Paul Hauser,
Pete Davidson is it
one of the white ones?
Um, yeah. It's Pete Davidson.
Can I talk to him?
Uh, yeah, no.
Why the fuck am I in here, man?
I got to stop wandering.
Can I just take a look?
- Mm.
- Peter, please.
I wish I understood why
you do this to yourself.
It's not your fault. I'm sorry.
Mom, please don't make me go.
Honey, they are gonna
help you feel better, OK?
- It's gonna be so good.
- I'll be good, I promise.
You got to trust me, all right?
It's gonna be great.
I love you. Come on.
Sup? What's going on?
We have a surprise for you.
Gentlemen?
Ta-da.
What's that for?
That's the key to the medicine cabinet.
Turn up.
Me and the Benjamins thank you.
We do cool stuff like this all the time.
Pleasure doing business with you, man.
If you need anything, just hit me.
- Cool.
- All right.
We're gonna get fucked up tonight.
5:30 in the morning,
hustle that game ♪
Flying it into you.
Oh, here you go.
I haven't had, like, a good bro down,
like you know what it is?
There's no TV, so we actually have
to talk to each other.
We got some shit, that's right.
Oh, I don't think I did it right.
Oh, I kind of feel like
doing the Jim Carrey
"Ace Ventura" where he goes up
to the bench and he's just
Crazy.
You know what's funny
about "Ace Ventura"?
That movie can't really be
made now because it's, like,
offensive to trans people.
Oh! Sean Young at the end
Yeah, dude! But he literally goes
"He saw Mr. Winky!"
And then she shows the fucking cock,
and they're all like, oh, oh, oh!
Like, Dan Marino is like, oh, oh!
Yeah, and you know
what else aged poorly?
- What?
- Vietnam.
Got some stress in there, dude.
Oh, shit.
I just put my cigarette out on my face.
Good thing you have a beard, dude.
It smells like burning hair.
Ah!
Ah!
Now I'm just putting it out on my face.
There it is.
- Oh!
- Now it's gone.
There it is. There it is.
It's off. It's OK.
I woke up today, and
I thought about you.
It wasn't the linger
of victory or a trinket
from my heart's time capsule.
You were an advertisement
on the side of a bus,
driven slow enough to read the sign,
but fast enough to let my shame dance
with fertile hatred.
I'm sorry that I missed your birth.
I'm going to try not to miss your life.
And maybe if I don't miss your life,
I won't miss mine.
That's deep.
Show me the way to go home ♪
I'm tired, and I want to go to bed ♪
I had a little drink
about an hour ago ♪
- And it's gone right ♪
- To my head ♪
Wherever I may roam ♪
By land or sea or foam ♪
You can always hear
me singing this song ♪
Show me the way to go home ♪
And it went straight to my head ♪
- Overdrive!
- Wherever I may roam ♪
Wherever I may roam ♪
By land or sea or foam ♪
You can always hear
me singing this song ♪
And show me the way to go home ♪
- Show me the way to go home!
- Show me the way!
I'm tired and I want to go to bed!
Want to go to bed!
Could always hear
me singing this song ♪
Show me the way to go ♪
- Oh, shit!
- What the fuck?
What's going on guys?
You guys having a little party, huh?
I didn't get the Evite.
Must have been in my spam folder, huh?
Really hurt my feelings,
all you guys having fun out here.
Huh?
Well, don't stop the
festivities on my account.
Just keep going, huh?
Let's go all night.
Let's go all fucking night.
I was actually gonna
go to sleep, so, uh
So you guys are done?
OK, do you mind if I
clean up a little bit?
Oh!
I want every one of
you guys out of here.
- Bad.
- Party's over, assholes.
Yeah.
I want everybody gone before
I really get fucking angry.
- You're not really angry?
- This is inappropriate.
Everybody out of here.
You are fucking fired, all three of you.
Dang. What?
You're lucky I'm not
having you arrested.
Arrested? Snitch.
Sir, um, if I may
You may. You have the floor.
You have the magic conch shell.
Explain, please.
This is actually all my fault,
and, uh, I broke in, I
got the key, got the drugs.
This is because of me,
so please don't blame
Wow. Wow! That's rappers.
So you forced these poor victims.
You put the drugs in their
throat, made them swallow it.
Is that what happened?
Well
Actually, yes.
That is what happened
because I drugged them
- Wow!
- And I'm really sorry.
Real rock and roll, dude.
You drugged them to take drugs?
Uh
I mashed them into their potatoes
Wow.
And watched them eat it.
- Disappointing.
- And I was a fan.
I used to want to go
on the road with you.
I still do.
OK, here's what's going to happen.
Colson, you're going to pack your bags.
You're going to get the
fuck out of here right now.
Ah, man, I really liked rehab.
I want to stay here longer.
- Hit me when you get to LA.
- I got you, dog.
- OK.
- Peter?
I expect a lot more from you.
I'll put this incident behind me,
and I expect you to step up.
You too, Paul Hauser.
Psst, are we still fired?
No. Clean it up.
Sick.
I'm sorry.
You got this.
You're not going to help us?
Yeah.
Colson is gonna go home ♪
You hanging in there?
I feel like I've got
an elephant on my head.
You can have a little lie down after.
I sent everybody directions
for this graduation.
I just hope they know
where they're going.
Stop worrying. You worry too much.
- That's my job.
- Yeah.
I'd wish more for you,
but I guess I wasn't
the greatest father in the world.
I don't know. You were up there.
Well, I was up there, all right.
Just wasn't around all the time.
You know, when you were a little girl,
I used to go singing
in lounges every month,
and I wound up leaving
your mother home alone
with you and your sisters.
I think about it when I get old.
It was a little selfish,
I guess, you know?
You were doing what made you happy.
That made us happy.
Did it really make you happy?
It really did.
You know, I wish the
same for you, really.
Make yourself happy. Enjoy your life.
Don't worry about
everybody else so much.
You know, I started
playing basketball again.
- Get out of here.
- Yeah.
- I'm still pretty good.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I can't believe it.
- Believe it.
- Oh, my God.
That's what I'm talking about. See?
That's nice. That's good.
Oh, good for you.
- Oh, Pop.
- That's my girl.
What about the kid?
You think the kid's gonna be all right?
Yeah.
Because I am your daughter,
and I am the strongest woman you know.
Hey.
Hey.
Look like you could use a friend.
Could use more than a friend.
- What's peeling your dick?
- What?
What's, uh, fucking chappin' your ass?
I don't know. What's going on?
I don't know, I'm just
fucking embarrassed.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm, uh, just kind of ashamed.
I, um I don't know.
Just
I'm always confused
why, uh, nothing really
works out for me, you know?
It's my fucking fault.
It's I always think
the world's out to get me,
but it's-it's me, you know?
I, uh, act like a fucking cunt,
and so many people
have seen me in a really bad way,
and that's, like, hard
to live with, you know?
It's getting fucking
really old, you know I mean?
I'm literally everything I
I hate.
I'm like what, if I wasn't me,
me and my boys would
be making fun of me.
You know?
Like, we'd be like, look
at that fucking tool.
And, um, I just
I feel like I'm running out of options.
I've been doing this for a long time,
and what I hear is that you're ready.
Follow me into the woods.
Come on. What are you afraid of?
Think I'm gonna fuck you in the woods?
All right.
Just want you to picture
in your head everything
that hurts you,
everything that you hate,
everything that keeps
you up at 6:00 a.m.
Don't tell me what it is.
Just picture it in your head, OK?
Here's the important part.
Scream.
Dude, you're not gonna
fucking "Honey Boy" me, OK?
You think you can just take me
in the woods and fix everything
Wow, shit.
- Now you do it.
- Huh?
You do it.
Agh!
The fuck was that?
OK, now do it for real.
Scream.
Like a man in the fucking woods, scream.
Yeah, come on.
- That was real good.
- That felt fucking good.
- Look at me.
- Yeah?
Now, what matters?
- What?
- Look!
- What matters?
- What are you talking
- What matters?
- I don't know.
What the fuck are you talking about?
- What fucking matters?
- I don't fucking know.
- What matters!
- I don't know!
Here, here.
- What?
- Find it.
Find it, or you're going to die.
I get it. I fucking get it.
- Good.
- I get it.
Holy shit. Thank you.
You're a fucking wizard. You fixed me.
You fixed me.
You fixed me.
Fixed me.
I didn't fix you. We just started.
- I got somewhere I got to be.
- Wait, wait.
- We're not done.
- You fixed me, buddy.
- Wait, we just started.
- Farthest point, baby, yeah!
You've been here four fucking days.
- Fuck!
- Come on back.
We're just getting warmed up.
I'm cured!
You're still a drug addict.
Pete Davidson?
What the fuck are you
doing up here, man?
No! No, no, no, no.
Not again. I am not doing this again.
You stay the fuck away
from me, Ray Romano.
What are you doing? I'm up here fishing.
- What's going on?
- Fishing for what?
Poon? Fuck you, dude!
Hey, Pete!
I'm a fan, man!
Fuck.
That was Pete Davidson.
Casey's graduation is tomorrow.
Casey's graduation
You don't have to come to my graduation.
What you're doing is really important.
You don't have to worry about me.
I'll always be OK.
I'm proud of you.
Ouch!
Fuck.