Call Me Fitz (2010) s01e08 Episode Script
Married to the Mom
FITZ: Richard Fitzpatrick: lone wolf always on the hunt, ready for action, free to go where he wants, when he wants.
Hey, what the hell, man? You won't need that anymore.
Where I go, my porn goes.
BABS: Hello, gentlemen.
FITZ: Fuck! But, like in the wild, there's always some predator ready to trap us.
You're late, darling.
[Scoffs.]
I'm allergic.
[Sighs.]
Ah.
Right here.
[Smooches.]
Fuck.
BABS: Of course, there'll be rules.
You'll make our bed, pick up after yourself.
-I don't like mess.
-And I don't like total bitchiness.
Ah, he bites.
Let her try to tame me.
I'm still a wolf just one in sheep's clothing.
And up here Up here is the bedroom.
[Sighs.]
BABS: Come on.
So, technically, still a wolf able to bust my way out of any trap, free to go where I want, when I want.
[Jail-cell door slams.]
Oh, fuck.
J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' Fitz.
Rise and shine, hubby.
I made you breakfast.
So, should we talk about last night, you sleeping on the couch? No.
Well, we've been married for two days and have yet to consummate.
Yeah, I'm not much of a soup guy.
Don't get cute with me, mister.
Sex is just not something you should ever rush into.
Besides, you were a vegetable the whole time we were dating.
Think of this as the getting-to-know-you interlude.
So, tonight, then? But there's still so much to catch up on, like what's your favorite food or -- Litchi, Ringo, Aquarius, doggy style, yes to toys, no to animals, ice cream, and a sense of humor.
So, now you know me and my lifestyle, so, uh, let's do this thing.
That's a good start.
But, still, so much to learn.
And I can't wait.
We'll cuddle and do facials.
You can tell me about your childhood.
But I'm late for work.
I got to go.
[Chuckles.]
And so it begins.
[Door closes .]
[Knocking.]
Mr.
Fitz, I've got some more junk for you to sign.
Mr.
Fitz? [Sighs.]
I told you the last time, sir, no more mouth-to-mouth practice.
-Aah! What the hell?! -Aah! Can't a man take a nap in his own office without being stabbed? I thought you were dead.
What do you want? I need you to sign these.
Day in, day out, the same goddamn thing.
Sign this, sign that.
[Sighs.]
I'm an old fucking man.
I'm exhausted.
Maybe you should take some time off.
And do what? I don't know.
I have been reading a lot of self-help books lately.
Self-help books are for quitters.
Um, sure.
But they all ask the very important question: "if you died tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret?" Probably that I just fucking died.
Maybe you should make a list of all of the things that you wanted to do before you you know.
I could even help you with the tricky ones.
[Chuckles.]
Don't kid yourself.
They're all going to be fucking tricky.
[ Laughs .]
FITZ: Goddamn it! How come when I online Search for how to write an affidavit rendering you innocent of attempted vehicular manslaughter on the woman you married, it still comes back as porn?! -I heard that one's hot.
-Richard, what are you doing here? Yeah.
Shirley Temple for the lady! You are a married man now, okay? And sitting around in a bar all day getting drunk and watching pornography may be spousal duty in some countries, like Iceland -- Hey, I can find beauty in any woman, and I mean any woman, just not my own wife.
Somebody else's wife, definitely.
I just I can't jinx my cock to a lifetime of monogamy.
So, what you're saying is, you're not registered for any gifts anywhere at all? For the last time, it's not a real fucking marriage.
I'm doing it for spousal privilege.
Why do you think we've been working on this affidavit all day?! -Say it, don't spray it, man! -LARRY: You haven't proven to be the most trustworthy husband thus far, have you, hmm? And what makes you think that she's going to agree to release the only legal tether she has to you? You don't know howl operate, do you? I make that woman weak in the knees, and it's not just her osteoporosis.
I can get her to sign whatever I want.
-Really? -FITZ: Yeah.
LARRY: And what if you can't, hmm? Wife or jail: Which do you prefer? Mexico.
Coma marriage or not, you need to make that woman happy.
You might not want to hear it, Richard, but I insist you head home right now and you make things work with your wife.
Otherwise, you won't be entering Mexico, but Mexicans will be entering you south of the border, mister! MEGHAN: You'll have to excuse the mess.
Ä°t's been a bit hectic ever since Justin's dad left, and no one told me you were coming.
That's the purpose of a surprise inspection, Mrs.
Schneiderman -- Ms.
Fitzpatrick.
And I still don't understand why you're here.
Did Saul send you? There have been several red flags regarding Justin's care in recent weeks.
His teacher reported a lunch consisting solely of a jar of martini olives.
He loves garnish.
His karate instructor notes an excessive use of profanity.
Limiting his vocabulary is a form of censorship.
The police found him at a bachelor party.
That was his uncle's fault! I could go on.
Oh, could you? But you're just getting here now.
Maybe you're the negligent one.
We're watching you, Ms.
Fitzpatrick.
And we expect to see a marked improvement in Justin's upbringing.
Or what? You're going to have me fixed? Take away my right to have children? Is that it? Your ex-husband is perfectly willing to assume full custody, ma'am.
LARRY: Richard, really, we need to get going.
Yeah, in a minute.
Hey, cum stain, I'm making up a list of things I've always wanted to do before I die.
What's the name of that thing I always wanted to try? Uh, we'll need a little more information than that.
You know, the fucking thing.
You know, with the "doo-whack-a-pivia.
" -Uh, Russian roulette.
-That's it.
What's Little Orphan Awful doing? Well, sir, it's time for Richard to get home to his wife.
You're not telling me you actually went through with that farce? To say out of prison, I'd do anything.
Maybe if you went to prison, I'd have some respect for you.
But, no, you got to hide behind a piece of leathery gash 'cause you're too cheap to pay the piper for your own actions.
LARRY: Mr.
Fitzpatrick, please.
I'm trying to impress upon Richard how rewarding a marriage can be.
Reward? Only if she dies, then only if she's loaded.
Otherwise, you're just like one of the other suckers around here: walking around with your nuts in a vice.
Let's go.
Why would you ever agree to marry a scumbag like Richard Fitzpatrick in the first place? You know he only did it after he did some half-assed research into spousal privilege.
Oh, I think someone's a little upset because she hasn't landed a man of her own yet.
Little hint, dear: Men don't like uptight.
I have just busted my ass trying to get this guy for you.
And now I've got him, so mission accomplished.
Why do you have to make everything into a battle? Hey, I beat death.
So, he's your reward? Well, I think you know he is.
It's funny how we have similar taste in men.
[Scoffs.]
You know, I really hoped that when you woke up, things would be different with us.
Ali, darling daughter, life is not a maxi-pad commercial.
[Scoffs.]
[Brakes squeal, engine turns off.]
Ugh, this tea tastes like ass.
Ä°t's ginseng, a Chinese tonic used to improve mental clarity, which is currently clouded by alcohol, so drink up.
No.
If I have to service my wife to stay out of prison, I'm doing it the old-fashioned way: loaded.
Look, Richard, I knew you would find this whole husband thing distasteful, so I researched some coping mechanisms to help you get through the initial rough patch.
[Clears throat.]
"Operant conditioning: When you undergo something challenging" Like banging my wife.
"give yourself positive reinforcement to get through it.
" Yeah, like, um, a happy memory or something good that you can associate with the unpleasant act, making it more pleasurable so you want to do it again and again and again.
Keep the car running.
Happy memory! Is that what it was? [Doorbell ringing.]
Well, well.
If it isn't my stepdaughter.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm not getting dragged any deeper into your warped little psycho drama.
I'm out of here.
But you're still coming home for Christmas, right? It would mean so much to your mother.
[Scoffs.]
You're late.
Yeah, there was, um, some trouble at the office.
And you don't think I can smell scotch on your breath? [Clears throat.]
You know, this isn't my first rodeo, young man.
And I think we both know what this marriage is all about.
You don't want to go to prison.
No.
I don't intend to lock you up, unless it's to my radiator.
But I'm not going to absolve you of this accident without a little, um, compensation.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Mm-hmm.
And if you play your cards right, I might even help you with your Summer Wind lounge.
How do you know about that? Oh, well, I had locked-in syndrome -- waking coma.
While you poured your heart out to me, I was conscious for every word.
Fuck me.
No, you are fucking me.
See, I'm a woman of a certain age, with certain consistent needs now.
Is that too much to ask? Break it down for me.
-Seven times a week.
-Twice.
Four times, with co-showers.
-I got 15 minutes right now.
-Done.
This isn't really what I had in mind, Mr.
Fitz.
I was thinking more like skydiving or going to see the pyramids.
Yeah, right, like some kind of geriatric fruitcake.
You said you'd help me with the list, so let's get this done.
Hey, if you miss, can I have the apple and five minutes alone with the body? -Josh! -Get in line.
Okay, now, hold steady.
[Sonja sighs .]
KEN: Steady.
[Sonja whimpers.]
FITZ: Sex with your wife is still sex with a woman.
Ä°t's just the same woman day in and day out for the rest of your life.
Aw, come on, buddy.
Ä°t's either this or be the Aryan Brotherhood's spank bank for the next five to ten.
Is that what you want? Huh? Oh, come on, man, you owe me.
Aw! [Sighs.]
Ah.
[ Laughs .]
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's the spirit.
Oh, don't stop.
I like watching.
Happy memory, happy memory.
Happy memory, happy memory.
I like it hard, I like it fast, and I like it real deep.
FITZ: Happy memory.
I like to be called Mr.
Pants.
Then giddy-up, Mr.
Pants.
[Both moaning.]
Why, Mr.
Pants! [Knocking.]
[ Doorbell rings .]
Yeah? Oh, wow, Richard, you didn't show up for work today.
Are you okay? Yeah, what did I tell you? I know exactly what I'm doing.
Oh, so Mrs.
Devon is, uh, happy? -Oh, I'll say she's happy.
-Oh, good.
She's been "Fitzed" -- several times, I might add.
Oh, Christ, what do you want: details, too, you pervert? You want to see some photos? I got some right in there.
What? Oh, no! No, of course not.
And? Uh Do you need a ride to work? No.
Just cover for me, will you? Oh, okay.
I'll let you and your lovely wife get back to basking in the glow of wedded bliss! Martinis, "Ocean's Eleven," original recipe, and oral? Oh, you're spoiling me.
-Did you make our bed? -No.
-You defied me.
-Yeah.
That's what I love about you, Fitzy: the fire and the friction.
-I am so turned on right now.
-Oh, yeah! -Oh, you have been a bad, bad boy.
-Yes, I have.
-And you deserve a spanking.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Okay, come here.
-Yeah.
[Moans.]
Oh! -Oh, yeah! -Do you like that, Mr.
Pants? -Do you? -No, no.
Oh! Oh, I'll be a good little Fitzy from now on.
Oh! I promise! Oh! Oh, yeah! [ Laughs .]
KEN: Where is that cauterized hemorrhoid? Uh, are you talking about Richard, sir? Who else would I call a cauterized hemorrhoid? -Everyone? -Just answer the fucking question.
Oh, well, he's at home with his wife: a little conjugal time for the happy newlyweds.
What's he doing? Licking cream off her liver spots? Shoving suppository meds up her crack? No, he's doing what he has to do in order to make his marriage work: become an honest man.
Honest? Him? I'd have a better chance of licking my own balls.
Sonja, I just thought of something else for the list! [Telephone ringing.]
[Sighs.]
Hello.
Richard, just checking in.
Uh, how's the happy couple? Still happy? Still a couple? What do you think, dork? I-I don't know what to think.
Hey, can you hurry this up? We're having waffles with whipped cream! BABS: Mr.
Pants, do you want strawberries? -What did she just say? -FITZ: Strawberries.
Yeah, yeah, make it two.
Two! LARRY: No.
No, the other thing, "Mr.
Pants.
" That's what your mother called you when you were a child.
Would you just butt out and let me stick to the plan? I know what I'm doing.
I'm not sure what's going on there, Richard, but whatever it is, perhaps we should discuss the emotional implications of regressing? Oh, God, I should have known better than to meddle in a situation like this.
I'm your conscience, not your heart.
BABS: Mr.
Pants? Got to go.
You know I hate soggy waffles.
[Dial tone.]
I need a favor.
I'm sorry, Meghan, I have to run.
Can we do this later? Social services is on my ass because Justin had a few sips of beer at the bachelor party you organized for Richard, and now I'm a bad parent.
-I need a character reference.
-Yes, of course, anything.
I'll do it later.
I have to go.
I already wrote one up.
All you have to do is sign.
Uh, "Meghan is not only an awesome mom who lets Justin do all the cool stuff other parents won't.
She's also a total MILF.
" Uh, what's a "MILF"? Is that Spanish for something? Don't be ridiculous.
it's French for "Mother I'd like to fuck.
" Oh.
Mother.
Fucker.
Oh, dear God! You forgot to sign it! Daddy! LARRY: This is very serious, Ms.
Devon.
Richard hasn't shown up for work, and he's licking whipped cream from the teat of a woman's wanton sexual obsessions.
Oh, so it's his typical Thursday.
He's having a psychotic break, a relapse to a child-like state, and is using your mother as a stand-in for the maternal love that he never got.
A grown man with the needs of a 5-year-old? Who knows what he'll do? Well, it certainly can't be worse than anything he's already done.
Look, I know you blame Richard for your mother's accident, and for the myriad of other things he may have done, but I also know that you may be the only one he truly cares about.
Even though he's sleeping with my mother? He is an enigma, wrapped in an expensive Italian suit.
[Chuckles.]
Okay, okay, it's a knock-off.
I'll give you that.
But, please, just -- Uh, you may be his only hope.
-Thanks for lunch.
-Huh? Oh.
W-Wai-- Have you ever had a connection with someone so deep that you couldn't explain it? They're the complete opposite of you, and they drive you insane, but no matter what they do, your feelings for them always win out? You really believe there's something in him worth saving.
I wouldn't be here otherwise.
And I think that, deep down, when it comes to family, you do, too.
No, not really.
Wait, please, please.
Don't make me go there alone.
[Sighs.]
Dude, nice job.
Those begonias rock.
Eh, my stitches are uneven.
But I don't give a flying fuck.
Five minutes with my dead body? Nice.
Sorry.
I can help with the list.
[Sighs.]
There.
Done.
SONJA: That's the last thing.
No.
There's one more.
Let's go.
[Chuckles.]
Don't worry about it.
I'll take it from here.
Mr.
Pants wants a spanking.
-And what did he do this time? -FITZ: Um He left the toilet seat up? Bad, bad, Mr.
Pants.
Yes! [Gasps.]
Ooh.
I was just thinking about a spanking like we did before: you know, over your knee? No, we're taking it up a notch, Mr.
Pants.
FITZ: Oof! [Babs laughs.]
You're getting 10 extra spankings for this attitude, young man.
[Fitz panting.]
[Babs moaning.]
Oh, my God! You were trying to breast-feed, you little jerk! [Gasps.]
You don't want to be my fuck slave.
You You want me to be your ALI: Mom! Aah! -Wait.
-BABS: What's going on around here? Babe, Babe, it's just a game, like you like.
Oh, God, what do you want now? We are here to put an end to this farce.
Don't you see? Your plan to gain your freedom has been derailed by your disturbingly inappropriate Oedipal urges.
Richard, Babs is not your mommy, and you are not a child.
Yeah, I know that, dumb-ass.
And now there's no way she's going to sign that affidavit.
Your urge to regress is so strong, I don't even know if you want her to sign it.
-Give it to me.
-Huh? Give it to me.
Here it is.
Get out of my life.
If I wanted to be a mother, I'd still give a rat's ass about "cankles" here.
Oh, nice, Mom.
Typically, you just blame everyone else for the mess that you made.
I was an excellent mother.
Your father was the screw-up: always coddling you, pampering you, spoiling you.
Yeah, it's called parenting.
Ä°t's what you do after you get yourself pregnant.
Well, you always took his side.
Oh, this is good.
Clear the air.
No more secrets.
But getting back to Richard.
-I was -- -You were never around.
You always did what you wanted to do, including my boyfriends.
Yeah, you're a great mom: stole every guy I ever liked, even my prom date.
Aw, poor little Ali never gets what she wants, huh? Really? Him? [Scoffs.]
I don't want him.
Really? Oh, don't lie to me, you ungrateful little douche bag.
Go to hell, you crazy Cougar bitch.
All she's ever done is try to protect you, and this is the thanks she gets? Uh, Richard, perhaps we should leave now that Mrs.
Devon has been kind enough to release you from a lifetime behind bars? I'd prefer prison to spending another minute with this face-sucking toilet sack.
What do you want? I'll just help gather his things? [Door closes .]
Whatever.
[Engine turns over.]
Just leave, okay? Us siblings got to stick together.
But you're my stepdad.
My dad calls me a douche bag, too.
This letter is quite colorful, but insufficient.
I'm going to have to recommend that, for the time being, Justin live with his father.
What are you talking about? I did all the stupid crap you told me to.
This isn't about impressing me, Ms.
Fitzpatrick.
This is about providing the proper environment for your son to grow up in.
All right, fine.
You want to hear it? I don't know how to be a mother because I never had a mother.
Ä°t's the same reason I drink, can't jack off, date jerks, have an unhealthy obsession with romantic comedies.
And it's the same reason I need you out of my house right now before I fulfill the family fucking prophecy and whack your ass all the way back to community college with the rest of the snot-nosed do-gooders who have no idea what it was like growing up a Fitz! Oh! [Babs sighs, grunts.]
"What, I'm supposed to be proud, just 'cause you graduated? Get a freebie from a hooker, then I'll be proud.
" [Both laugh.]
You graduated high school? -Ouch! -[ Laughs .]
I have a sense of humor, too.
Well, wonders never cease.
I don't want to kiss you.
I don't want to kiss you, either.
Douche bag.
Right back at you.
[ "Got Me On Your Mind" by Matt Dusk plays.]
J' So blue J' J' Sick, too J' J' Just from crying for you J' J' Never; ever J' [Sighs.]
J' Have me on your mind J' J' Dreaming J' [Clears throat.]
J' Scheming J' J' Just to have and hold you J' J' Trouble, trouble J' Oh, this is truly fantastic.
You're having an honest emotional reaction.
You know, I think you had to regress first.
You had to purge that mommy pain and transcend it so you can get to a place where you can follow your heart and move on and -- Oh, motherfucker! For once, I had to agree with the bastard.
Most of that porn was irreplaceable.
Hey, what the hell, man? You won't need that anymore.
Where I go, my porn goes.
BABS: Hello, gentlemen.
FITZ: Fuck! But, like in the wild, there's always some predator ready to trap us.
You're late, darling.
[Scoffs.]
I'm allergic.
[Sighs.]
Ah.
Right here.
[Smooches.]
Fuck.
BABS: Of course, there'll be rules.
You'll make our bed, pick up after yourself.
-I don't like mess.
-And I don't like total bitchiness.
Ah, he bites.
Let her try to tame me.
I'm still a wolf just one in sheep's clothing.
And up here Up here is the bedroom.
[Sighs.]
BABS: Come on.
So, technically, still a wolf able to bust my way out of any trap, free to go where I want, when I want.
[Jail-cell door slams.]
Oh, fuck.
J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' Fitz.
Rise and shine, hubby.
I made you breakfast.
So, should we talk about last night, you sleeping on the couch? No.
Well, we've been married for two days and have yet to consummate.
Yeah, I'm not much of a soup guy.
Don't get cute with me, mister.
Sex is just not something you should ever rush into.
Besides, you were a vegetable the whole time we were dating.
Think of this as the getting-to-know-you interlude.
So, tonight, then? But there's still so much to catch up on, like what's your favorite food or -- Litchi, Ringo, Aquarius, doggy style, yes to toys, no to animals, ice cream, and a sense of humor.
So, now you know me and my lifestyle, so, uh, let's do this thing.
That's a good start.
But, still, so much to learn.
And I can't wait.
We'll cuddle and do facials.
You can tell me about your childhood.
But I'm late for work.
I got to go.
[Chuckles.]
And so it begins.
[Door closes .]
[Knocking.]
Mr.
Fitz, I've got some more junk for you to sign.
Mr.
Fitz? [Sighs.]
I told you the last time, sir, no more mouth-to-mouth practice.
-Aah! What the hell?! -Aah! Can't a man take a nap in his own office without being stabbed? I thought you were dead.
What do you want? I need you to sign these.
Day in, day out, the same goddamn thing.
Sign this, sign that.
[Sighs.]
I'm an old fucking man.
I'm exhausted.
Maybe you should take some time off.
And do what? I don't know.
I have been reading a lot of self-help books lately.
Self-help books are for quitters.
Um, sure.
But they all ask the very important question: "if you died tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret?" Probably that I just fucking died.
Maybe you should make a list of all of the things that you wanted to do before you you know.
I could even help you with the tricky ones.
[Chuckles.]
Don't kid yourself.
They're all going to be fucking tricky.
[ Laughs .]
FITZ: Goddamn it! How come when I online Search for how to write an affidavit rendering you innocent of attempted vehicular manslaughter on the woman you married, it still comes back as porn?! -I heard that one's hot.
-Richard, what are you doing here? Yeah.
Shirley Temple for the lady! You are a married man now, okay? And sitting around in a bar all day getting drunk and watching pornography may be spousal duty in some countries, like Iceland -- Hey, I can find beauty in any woman, and I mean any woman, just not my own wife.
Somebody else's wife, definitely.
I just I can't jinx my cock to a lifetime of monogamy.
So, what you're saying is, you're not registered for any gifts anywhere at all? For the last time, it's not a real fucking marriage.
I'm doing it for spousal privilege.
Why do you think we've been working on this affidavit all day?! -Say it, don't spray it, man! -LARRY: You haven't proven to be the most trustworthy husband thus far, have you, hmm? And what makes you think that she's going to agree to release the only legal tether she has to you? You don't know howl operate, do you? I make that woman weak in the knees, and it's not just her osteoporosis.
I can get her to sign whatever I want.
-Really? -FITZ: Yeah.
LARRY: And what if you can't, hmm? Wife or jail: Which do you prefer? Mexico.
Coma marriage or not, you need to make that woman happy.
You might not want to hear it, Richard, but I insist you head home right now and you make things work with your wife.
Otherwise, you won't be entering Mexico, but Mexicans will be entering you south of the border, mister! MEGHAN: You'll have to excuse the mess.
Ä°t's been a bit hectic ever since Justin's dad left, and no one told me you were coming.
That's the purpose of a surprise inspection, Mrs.
Schneiderman -- Ms.
Fitzpatrick.
And I still don't understand why you're here.
Did Saul send you? There have been several red flags regarding Justin's care in recent weeks.
His teacher reported a lunch consisting solely of a jar of martini olives.
He loves garnish.
His karate instructor notes an excessive use of profanity.
Limiting his vocabulary is a form of censorship.
The police found him at a bachelor party.
That was his uncle's fault! I could go on.
Oh, could you? But you're just getting here now.
Maybe you're the negligent one.
We're watching you, Ms.
Fitzpatrick.
And we expect to see a marked improvement in Justin's upbringing.
Or what? You're going to have me fixed? Take away my right to have children? Is that it? Your ex-husband is perfectly willing to assume full custody, ma'am.
LARRY: Richard, really, we need to get going.
Yeah, in a minute.
Hey, cum stain, I'm making up a list of things I've always wanted to do before I die.
What's the name of that thing I always wanted to try? Uh, we'll need a little more information than that.
You know, the fucking thing.
You know, with the "doo-whack-a-pivia.
" -Uh, Russian roulette.
-That's it.
What's Little Orphan Awful doing? Well, sir, it's time for Richard to get home to his wife.
You're not telling me you actually went through with that farce? To say out of prison, I'd do anything.
Maybe if you went to prison, I'd have some respect for you.
But, no, you got to hide behind a piece of leathery gash 'cause you're too cheap to pay the piper for your own actions.
LARRY: Mr.
Fitzpatrick, please.
I'm trying to impress upon Richard how rewarding a marriage can be.
Reward? Only if she dies, then only if she's loaded.
Otherwise, you're just like one of the other suckers around here: walking around with your nuts in a vice.
Let's go.
Why would you ever agree to marry a scumbag like Richard Fitzpatrick in the first place? You know he only did it after he did some half-assed research into spousal privilege.
Oh, I think someone's a little upset because she hasn't landed a man of her own yet.
Little hint, dear: Men don't like uptight.
I have just busted my ass trying to get this guy for you.
And now I've got him, so mission accomplished.
Why do you have to make everything into a battle? Hey, I beat death.
So, he's your reward? Well, I think you know he is.
It's funny how we have similar taste in men.
[Scoffs.]
You know, I really hoped that when you woke up, things would be different with us.
Ali, darling daughter, life is not a maxi-pad commercial.
[Scoffs.]
[Brakes squeal, engine turns off.]
Ugh, this tea tastes like ass.
Ä°t's ginseng, a Chinese tonic used to improve mental clarity, which is currently clouded by alcohol, so drink up.
No.
If I have to service my wife to stay out of prison, I'm doing it the old-fashioned way: loaded.
Look, Richard, I knew you would find this whole husband thing distasteful, so I researched some coping mechanisms to help you get through the initial rough patch.
[Clears throat.]
"Operant conditioning: When you undergo something challenging" Like banging my wife.
"give yourself positive reinforcement to get through it.
" Yeah, like, um, a happy memory or something good that you can associate with the unpleasant act, making it more pleasurable so you want to do it again and again and again.
Keep the car running.
Happy memory! Is that what it was? [Doorbell ringing.]
Well, well.
If it isn't my stepdaughter.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm not getting dragged any deeper into your warped little psycho drama.
I'm out of here.
But you're still coming home for Christmas, right? It would mean so much to your mother.
[Scoffs.]
You're late.
Yeah, there was, um, some trouble at the office.
And you don't think I can smell scotch on your breath? [Clears throat.]
You know, this isn't my first rodeo, young man.
And I think we both know what this marriage is all about.
You don't want to go to prison.
No.
I don't intend to lock you up, unless it's to my radiator.
But I'm not going to absolve you of this accident without a little, um, compensation.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Mm-hmm.
And if you play your cards right, I might even help you with your Summer Wind lounge.
How do you know about that? Oh, well, I had locked-in syndrome -- waking coma.
While you poured your heart out to me, I was conscious for every word.
Fuck me.
No, you are fucking me.
See, I'm a woman of a certain age, with certain consistent needs now.
Is that too much to ask? Break it down for me.
-Seven times a week.
-Twice.
Four times, with co-showers.
-I got 15 minutes right now.
-Done.
This isn't really what I had in mind, Mr.
Fitz.
I was thinking more like skydiving or going to see the pyramids.
Yeah, right, like some kind of geriatric fruitcake.
You said you'd help me with the list, so let's get this done.
Hey, if you miss, can I have the apple and five minutes alone with the body? -Josh! -Get in line.
Okay, now, hold steady.
[Sonja sighs .]
KEN: Steady.
[Sonja whimpers.]
FITZ: Sex with your wife is still sex with a woman.
Ä°t's just the same woman day in and day out for the rest of your life.
Aw, come on, buddy.
Ä°t's either this or be the Aryan Brotherhood's spank bank for the next five to ten.
Is that what you want? Huh? Oh, come on, man, you owe me.
Aw! [Sighs.]
Ah.
[ Laughs .]
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's the spirit.
Oh, don't stop.
I like watching.
Happy memory, happy memory.
Happy memory, happy memory.
I like it hard, I like it fast, and I like it real deep.
FITZ: Happy memory.
I like to be called Mr.
Pants.
Then giddy-up, Mr.
Pants.
[Both moaning.]
Why, Mr.
Pants! [Knocking.]
[ Doorbell rings .]
Yeah? Oh, wow, Richard, you didn't show up for work today.
Are you okay? Yeah, what did I tell you? I know exactly what I'm doing.
Oh, so Mrs.
Devon is, uh, happy? -Oh, I'll say she's happy.
-Oh, good.
She's been "Fitzed" -- several times, I might add.
Oh, Christ, what do you want: details, too, you pervert? You want to see some photos? I got some right in there.
What? Oh, no! No, of course not.
And? Uh Do you need a ride to work? No.
Just cover for me, will you? Oh, okay.
I'll let you and your lovely wife get back to basking in the glow of wedded bliss! Martinis, "Ocean's Eleven," original recipe, and oral? Oh, you're spoiling me.
-Did you make our bed? -No.
-You defied me.
-Yeah.
That's what I love about you, Fitzy: the fire and the friction.
-I am so turned on right now.
-Oh, yeah! -Oh, you have been a bad, bad boy.
-Yes, I have.
-And you deserve a spanking.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Okay, come here.
-Yeah.
[Moans.]
Oh! -Oh, yeah! -Do you like that, Mr.
Pants? -Do you? -No, no.
Oh! Oh, I'll be a good little Fitzy from now on.
Oh! I promise! Oh! Oh, yeah! [ Laughs .]
KEN: Where is that cauterized hemorrhoid? Uh, are you talking about Richard, sir? Who else would I call a cauterized hemorrhoid? -Everyone? -Just answer the fucking question.
Oh, well, he's at home with his wife: a little conjugal time for the happy newlyweds.
What's he doing? Licking cream off her liver spots? Shoving suppository meds up her crack? No, he's doing what he has to do in order to make his marriage work: become an honest man.
Honest? Him? I'd have a better chance of licking my own balls.
Sonja, I just thought of something else for the list! [Telephone ringing.]
[Sighs.]
Hello.
Richard, just checking in.
Uh, how's the happy couple? Still happy? Still a couple? What do you think, dork? I-I don't know what to think.
Hey, can you hurry this up? We're having waffles with whipped cream! BABS: Mr.
Pants, do you want strawberries? -What did she just say? -FITZ: Strawberries.
Yeah, yeah, make it two.
Two! LARRY: No.
No, the other thing, "Mr.
Pants.
" That's what your mother called you when you were a child.
Would you just butt out and let me stick to the plan? I know what I'm doing.
I'm not sure what's going on there, Richard, but whatever it is, perhaps we should discuss the emotional implications of regressing? Oh, God, I should have known better than to meddle in a situation like this.
I'm your conscience, not your heart.
BABS: Mr.
Pants? Got to go.
You know I hate soggy waffles.
[Dial tone.]
I need a favor.
I'm sorry, Meghan, I have to run.
Can we do this later? Social services is on my ass because Justin had a few sips of beer at the bachelor party you organized for Richard, and now I'm a bad parent.
-I need a character reference.
-Yes, of course, anything.
I'll do it later.
I have to go.
I already wrote one up.
All you have to do is sign.
Uh, "Meghan is not only an awesome mom who lets Justin do all the cool stuff other parents won't.
She's also a total MILF.
" Uh, what's a "MILF"? Is that Spanish for something? Don't be ridiculous.
it's French for "Mother I'd like to fuck.
" Oh.
Mother.
Fucker.
Oh, dear God! You forgot to sign it! Daddy! LARRY: This is very serious, Ms.
Devon.
Richard hasn't shown up for work, and he's licking whipped cream from the teat of a woman's wanton sexual obsessions.
Oh, so it's his typical Thursday.
He's having a psychotic break, a relapse to a child-like state, and is using your mother as a stand-in for the maternal love that he never got.
A grown man with the needs of a 5-year-old? Who knows what he'll do? Well, it certainly can't be worse than anything he's already done.
Look, I know you blame Richard for your mother's accident, and for the myriad of other things he may have done, but I also know that you may be the only one he truly cares about.
Even though he's sleeping with my mother? He is an enigma, wrapped in an expensive Italian suit.
[Chuckles.]
Okay, okay, it's a knock-off.
I'll give you that.
But, please, just -- Uh, you may be his only hope.
-Thanks for lunch.
-Huh? Oh.
W-Wai-- Have you ever had a connection with someone so deep that you couldn't explain it? They're the complete opposite of you, and they drive you insane, but no matter what they do, your feelings for them always win out? You really believe there's something in him worth saving.
I wouldn't be here otherwise.
And I think that, deep down, when it comes to family, you do, too.
No, not really.
Wait, please, please.
Don't make me go there alone.
[Sighs.]
Dude, nice job.
Those begonias rock.
Eh, my stitches are uneven.
But I don't give a flying fuck.
Five minutes with my dead body? Nice.
Sorry.
I can help with the list.
[Sighs.]
There.
Done.
SONJA: That's the last thing.
No.
There's one more.
Let's go.
[Chuckles.]
Don't worry about it.
I'll take it from here.
Mr.
Pants wants a spanking.
-And what did he do this time? -FITZ: Um He left the toilet seat up? Bad, bad, Mr.
Pants.
Yes! [Gasps.]
Ooh.
I was just thinking about a spanking like we did before: you know, over your knee? No, we're taking it up a notch, Mr.
Pants.
FITZ: Oof! [Babs laughs.]
You're getting 10 extra spankings for this attitude, young man.
[Fitz panting.]
[Babs moaning.]
Oh, my God! You were trying to breast-feed, you little jerk! [Gasps.]
You don't want to be my fuck slave.
You You want me to be your ALI: Mom! Aah! -Wait.
-BABS: What's going on around here? Babe, Babe, it's just a game, like you like.
Oh, God, what do you want now? We are here to put an end to this farce.
Don't you see? Your plan to gain your freedom has been derailed by your disturbingly inappropriate Oedipal urges.
Richard, Babs is not your mommy, and you are not a child.
Yeah, I know that, dumb-ass.
And now there's no way she's going to sign that affidavit.
Your urge to regress is so strong, I don't even know if you want her to sign it.
-Give it to me.
-Huh? Give it to me.
Here it is.
Get out of my life.
If I wanted to be a mother, I'd still give a rat's ass about "cankles" here.
Oh, nice, Mom.
Typically, you just blame everyone else for the mess that you made.
I was an excellent mother.
Your father was the screw-up: always coddling you, pampering you, spoiling you.
Yeah, it's called parenting.
Ä°t's what you do after you get yourself pregnant.
Well, you always took his side.
Oh, this is good.
Clear the air.
No more secrets.
But getting back to Richard.
-I was -- -You were never around.
You always did what you wanted to do, including my boyfriends.
Yeah, you're a great mom: stole every guy I ever liked, even my prom date.
Aw, poor little Ali never gets what she wants, huh? Really? Him? [Scoffs.]
I don't want him.
Really? Oh, don't lie to me, you ungrateful little douche bag.
Go to hell, you crazy Cougar bitch.
All she's ever done is try to protect you, and this is the thanks she gets? Uh, Richard, perhaps we should leave now that Mrs.
Devon has been kind enough to release you from a lifetime behind bars? I'd prefer prison to spending another minute with this face-sucking toilet sack.
What do you want? I'll just help gather his things? [Door closes .]
Whatever.
[Engine turns over.]
Just leave, okay? Us siblings got to stick together.
But you're my stepdad.
My dad calls me a douche bag, too.
This letter is quite colorful, but insufficient.
I'm going to have to recommend that, for the time being, Justin live with his father.
What are you talking about? I did all the stupid crap you told me to.
This isn't about impressing me, Ms.
Fitzpatrick.
This is about providing the proper environment for your son to grow up in.
All right, fine.
You want to hear it? I don't know how to be a mother because I never had a mother.
Ä°t's the same reason I drink, can't jack off, date jerks, have an unhealthy obsession with romantic comedies.
And it's the same reason I need you out of my house right now before I fulfill the family fucking prophecy and whack your ass all the way back to community college with the rest of the snot-nosed do-gooders who have no idea what it was like growing up a Fitz! Oh! [Babs sighs, grunts.]
"What, I'm supposed to be proud, just 'cause you graduated? Get a freebie from a hooker, then I'll be proud.
" [Both laugh.]
You graduated high school? -Ouch! -[ Laughs .]
I have a sense of humor, too.
Well, wonders never cease.
I don't want to kiss you.
I don't want to kiss you, either.
Douche bag.
Right back at you.
[ "Got Me On Your Mind" by Matt Dusk plays.]
J' So blue J' J' Sick, too J' J' Just from crying for you J' J' Never; ever J' [Sighs.]
J' Have me on your mind J' J' Dreaming J' [Clears throat.]
J' Scheming J' J' Just to have and hold you J' J' Trouble, trouble J' Oh, this is truly fantastic.
You're having an honest emotional reaction.
You know, I think you had to regress first.
You had to purge that mommy pain and transcend it so you can get to a place where you can follow your heart and move on and -- Oh, motherfucker! For once, I had to agree with the bastard.
Most of that porn was irreplaceable.