Camping (US) (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Come on, we came here to party.
We're not gonna poop out! Kathryn is right.
It is Walt's birthday! Don't try to skirt our attention by agreeing with me.
Guys, it's Walt's birthday.
This night couldn't get any worse.
This trip couldn't get any worse.
So let's take drugs.
Let's do drugs.
Why do you have to be such a B all the time? F you, Carleen! F you! I'm here to tell Nina-Joy that I love her.
I'm gonna pluck you bald.
I'm done.
Sometimes, someone is just so frickin' mad that they can't save it anymore! Pft! [SLURRED.]
I don't think the drugs are working.
- Oh, no? - Maybe I have a super high tolerance, like my pain tolerance.
Maybe they're related.
Anyway, I don't feel very good.
I think I can help you.
More drugs? I mean, yeah, I have some in my satchel.
- Okay.
- But I've got a fresh take.
- Kathryn - What? Do you trust me? No.
If I don't ever get the chance Oh I could dance all night It feels so good to stand up.
[SHARPLY INHALES.]
Well, it actually looks pretty good.
Yeah, I am super good at this.
I don't believe in tattoos for myself, though, 'cause there's just so much in Judaism that I admire.
But you think he'll be happy, right? Walt? You think he'll like it? There's truly no greater gift anyone can give anyone.
I mean, it's why Johnny Depp and Winona are still together, right? 'Cause the last time I saw him, he seemed, like, mad.
He he it was What is the word? It was, like weird.
Well, you can't just not fuck him.
How'd you know I don't fuck him? Because I watched you eat a burger, and it was all, like, tight nibbles.
Mm.
I don't know.
I'm just so fucking disconnected from all of this.
I feel like a barista waiting for my shift to be over.
How do you make yourself have sex if you don't want to? I do things I don't want to do all fucking day.
Like, I don't want to DJ a mind-bending set on a Friday night, but I go, and I make it sick.
I don't want to eat grass-fed beef, but, like, you have to.
Some days, I don't want to get out of bed, but I do most days.
Like, I don't want to be on this shitty, spiritually barren camping trip, but I am still here.
Even though you weren't invited.
I was too invited.
Oh, my God.
You make me feel like a fucking sixth grader.
Why are you such a cunt? Can't you just admit that you like Jandice? No.
If I liked everyone who gave me a tattoo, then I would Why are you giving me a tattoo? - Because we're friends.
- Oh.
[SIGHS.]
And you're gonna be the woman who finally accepts me, and I'm gonna funk you up, and we are gonna heal our original wounds together.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND.]
I don't think it's gonna happen.
Why not? 'Cause you're not the type of person I usually associate with.
You don't know where your kids are.
They're in "Awaihi.
" How can you be sure? This is boring, and guess what.
I don't have to finish this.
Enjoy your "WA" tattoo.
Have I wasted my life? Have I wasted my youth? Will I ever bear fruit? I'm barely a woman.
No, Carleen, I really don't think that's true.
That's what Kathryn always says.
She says a real woman would've stopped wearing Laura Ashley a long time ago.
Oh, no.
It looks nice.
It's flowing and breathes.
I feel old.
I feel used-up.
My skin, it it's on fire, but it's also cold, deep in the bones of my face.
Kathryn says if I do have a child, it would need a lot of amniotic testing.
Forget Kathryn, okay? She doesn't mean it.
That's what we always say, Walter, but what if she does? What if she means it all? Is my hair growing backwards? Uh [GRUNTS.]
Here.
No, your hair is fine.
It's fine.
It's not growing backward.
[SIGHS.]
What a relief.
[SIGHS.]
Listen to me.
Kathryn is a bully.
She is mean, and she is petty, and it is time that her reign of terror comes to an end.
Oh, no.
Are we going to kill her? No, Carleen, I do not think we are, but in all honesty, I am unfamiliar with this drug and its side effects, so we can't be sure.
I think we could spend the summer in Wales.
I'm trying to get this grant to study Welsh pentameter, but, uh, you know, if it happens, I'm gonna have donkeys and chickens.
- Sure.
- I will arise and go now, and go to Do you know how long it takes to come down from this? Does it matter? Just roll in the meadow of my words.
Oh, my God.
You're okay.
- The - George.
Bear didn't kill you.
[SCOFFS.]
A bear? I mean, there could've been one.
They've been spotted in these parts.
- Hm.
- Hi.
Nina-Joy, I have a rage problem.
I am mad about so many things.
The Holocaust.
My grandma was a very mean woman.
I hate myself for not being more successful, and I hate everyone else for not making me more successful.
George, I'm so sorry.
I was so high earlier.
I mean, I'm still so high, but I didn't mean it.
I want to be with you.
I don't want this.
Nina-Joy! I bought a scooter! I'm so flattered, Braylen, but I have to let go.
I find George's rage very challenging, but he's the man that I want to be with, and I realize that I hadn't really heard you speak all that much up until now.
But speaking is, like, my thing.
George, I'm so sorry.
No.
I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I mean I'm so sorry about this next part.
What next part? [SCOFFS.]
I'm sitting here and watching this, and watching you, and watching me like I'm outside of all this.
Because of the drugs.
That too.
But I'm realizing I'm also so, so angry at you.
And not in a sexy way.
George, no! Don't be outside of this.
Come inside.
I know you'll feel differently when you're inside with me.
No.
I'm outside.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I'm seeing clearly.
And I think I deserve more, and I guess you do too.
[BREATHES RAGGEDLY, SHUDDERS.]
Ah.
[SNIFFS.]
No.
And now I'm inside, and I also feel the same.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LIGHT PLUCKED STRING MUSIC.]
[MUMBLING.]
Ow, Kathryn.
Agh Eh Agh! [GROANS.]
- Walter - [GRUNTS.]
Ow.
Mm! [STRUGGLING GRUNT.]
- [SPUTTERS.]
- Okay.
Uh, no.
[STRUGGLING GRUNT.]
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
What? What is your problem? You said you wanted sex! I'm giving you sex! You can't control this like you control everything else! No! [HUFFS.]
[PANTING.]
Hello? I have come to collect my son.
- Have you now? - Hm.
Please.
He's all I have.
I think maybe you aren't equal to the task at this moment.
Okay, maybe I could lie down next to him for a little bit? - Mm - Or maybe I shouldn't, in case I roll over him like a drug-abusing mom.
Yeah.
I think you just need to sit yourself down.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
It's all going to be okay.
[SCOFFS.]
How do you know? Because I've lived, like, a thousand lives, and it just usually is.
I think maybe this drug sucked up all my serotonin, and I will never know joy again.
I mean, do I still love my son? Chemically? Mm-mm-mm.
Okay.
Okay, Kathryn, let's get real here - for a second.
- Okay.
How much joy have you ever had? You got a great head of hair and probably a good heart, and that tattoo I mean, that's slamming.
[LAUGHS.]
But the buck stops there.
[ENGINE REVS.]
I, um I feel kind of weird taking you back to LA now that you've said you don't love me.
No, I I do love you.
What about my poetry? Uh-huh.
Are you 100%? Please, let's just go.
- When I was a teenager - Mm.
I had this best friend named Sue.
I mean, that's what we called each other, but we were way more than that.
She was my first love.
Mm, we used to dance to Tiffany and watch "Who's The Boss?", and we finger-banged each other underneath an afghan throw that her grandma had crocheted that said "Hope is an act of faith" on it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hope and faith are the same thing.
Shh.
Shh, no, listen.
I loved her.
I loved her so much.
She saw me, and I saw her, and together, we were the whole world.
One day, Sue was walking home from the grocery store on the side of the road that didn't have a shoulder on it, and she got hit by a car, and she died instantly.
This is a horrible story.
I know, I know, but the point is I mean, I never thought I would get over it.
I was 16 years old, and so everybody said, "Well, give it time.
" I mean, you know? So I did.
I gave it a week, I gave it a month, I gave it a year, and I thought, "This is it.
This is gonna kill me.
I will die from this.
" But every day, I would wake up, and I wouldn't be dead.
And I kept not dying, and I kept not dying Until one day, I was finally sure I was alive.
Do you know how long that took? - How long? - Ten years.
But the point is, is that it happened.
It happened, and now I get to be alive.
You know? You thought of that? Yeah.
Whatever amount of peace you have coming to you down the pike, Kathryn, it's It's worth hanging on for.
But you You gotta fight for it.
Do you have any gum? Um yeah, I got some gum.
[SIGHS.]
[CURTAIN BEING DRAWN.]
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
Hey.
Don't - slam the curtain on me.
- What the - Hey.
- What are you doing here? - There you are.
- Oh, my gosh.
Can't a girl just have a drink in peace? Oh, God.
I don't know why I came on this fucking trip, anyway.
Had I just stayed home and done my online courses, I would've been a certified tanning booth operator by now.
Oh, that sounds awesome.
Oh, y-you have such a natural curiosity for life, baby.
What what a gift that is.
Yeah, it's a real gift.
I just wish that someone would take me seriously as a person and not expect something from me, just for once.
Oh, I do.
That's me.
I do.
You That's nice.
Hm.
Thank you, Miguel.
Oh.
You're so sweet.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Mm.
Well, don't feel left out.
Get in here, you big bear.
- [GROWLS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[MOANS.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Oh Mmm! Oh.
- Do you feel that? - Mm.
Wow.
Do you feel that energy? BOTH: Mm-hmm.
Ah.
Mm! Mm.
Whew.
How about a killer beej? - Mm.
- Please and thank you.
Yes, I would love that, baby.
[LAUGHS.]
Mm.
Well, what are you waiting for? I'm I'm I'm sorry.
What? Oh, come on.
You guys have had this weird fucking energy the whole trip.
Now's your chance.
Uh [SCOFFS.]
What weird energy? You know, we're We're both just trying to fuck you.
You know what I'd like to see? You two go to town on each other.
Oh, that would turn me on and make me so hot.
Wouldn't you love that? Me getting hot while I'm watching you guys do-si-do? I don't think that's a good idea, Jandy.
I may have diddled my friend Peter in the sixth grade, but I am super straight.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, me too.
In in Spain, there's a word for sex between two male friends, and Okay, you're not homophobic, are you? 'Cause that would be fucking gross.
- No.
- No, no, no.
- No.
- [LAUGHS.]
What? - [SCOFFS.]
- No.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, then what is the problem? You said I wasn't just a piece of ass, so prove it.
Unless you can't, 'cause you were lying.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[RUSTLING SOUND.]
[CRUNCHING.]
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Have you done this before? Not in a tent.
But you, like, know how? I think you just feel it out.
You are the ruler of the realm.
The beautiful ruler of the realm.
[GROANING.]
Ugh.
[GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, my God.
Walter.
I literally thought you were, like, a big flopping fish.
Oh, Jandice.
These tired bones Wow, you are so sweaty and fucked up.
You have to have some Gatorade or something.
Do I have to? I don't have to do anything, Jandice, because I'm a man! Oh, my God, of course you are.
- [CRIES.]
- Yeah.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
You're that kind of man.
Okay.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Kathryn doesn't know me.
She has an idea of me She doesn't know who I am.
- I know.
- Mm.
- I see it.
- [WHINES.]
She doesn't fucking know me, either.
No [WHISPERING.]
Why do people do that? I don't know.
Why do they fucking do that to us? I don't know.
- Why do they do that to us? - I don't know.
Oh.
Oh.
[BOTH MOANING.]
Oh, God.
Are we doing this? Yes.
I believe we are doing this.
Ah! Ah! I am gonna give you a birthday present, one that you will never forget, you sweet man.
Oh, I want it! I need it! We're gonna do every fucking position.
Oh, I deserve that so much! - Ah! - [PANTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[PANTS.]
Wish me love a wishing well To kiss and tell A wishing well Oh, it's you.
How you feeling about your permanent tattoo? You know who's really gonna like it? A wishing well Wa.
This is all your fault.
All of it.
Oh, really? You're the one who demanded I go get my needle.
No, everything.
You you ruined everything.
Monkey see monkey do And it was gonna be such a nice weekend.
It is all because of you.
Carleen ran away, Orvis probably gonna have a brain bleed, and I shot Miguel because of you.
God only knows what other havoc you have wreaked.
A lot.
We had cereal instead of steak for dinner because of you! Are you still going on about cereal? God, even drugs can't chill this bitch out.
No wonder no one likes you, - Kathryn.
- [YELLS.]
[ENERGETIC MUSIC.]
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
I hate you! I hate you! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
Get off of me! Oh, no.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
[SNAPPING CRUNCH.]
Jandice? [GASPS.]
[COUGHS.]
- Oh.
- Kathryn? - Mm.
- Oh, God.
Jandice, you okay? [COUGHS.]
Wow.
[SPITS.]
You did this.
I did.
Sorry, I Just don't sue us.
Please.
His uncle's a plastic surgeon, - because you might - Wow.
No, no.
Your body did this to me.
Uh, yeah.
Wrath of Kath.
[LAUGHS.]
[COUGHS.]
Wow.
You are not broken, sister.
Do you see what happened here? Do you see what I did? I showed you who you are.
You're very powerful.
- [CRASHING SOUND.]
- [GASPS.]
Whoa! Oof.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay.
Okay.
["THE OUTDOOR TYPE" BY FRANK TURNER PLAYING.]
Now see what I said, little man? Not safe.
- Oh, my God.
- Now skitter on down the ladder.
Always had a roof above me Always paid the rent And I've never set foot inside a tent I couldn't build a fire To save my life I lied about being the outdoor type I never slept out underneath the stars The closest that I came to that Was one time my car Broke down for an hour In the suburbs at night I lied about being - Sol? - The outdoor type Are you packed? Just a minute.
Snapchat me? - In, like, two seconds? - Good.
Oh.
Oh.
I almost forgot my meds bag.
Lazy brain.
Thanks for coming.
Yeah.
We'll talk Wednesday, 11:30, my time.
The usual.
You know what? It's okay.
Really? Yeah.
For now.
Yeah.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
That's the last of the stuff.
You ready to hit the road, my love? Yes.
The detox was 45 minutes away, and they're expecting you by noon.
All right.
Fourth time's the charm.
I'm not joking, Joe.
I know.
And you're driving.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, you want to go for breakfast? Yeah, sounds good.
Oh, and I think we're supposed to drink OJ or something with vitamin C to help restore our spinal fluid.
I'll follow you, huh? Okay.
Thank you for keeping him, Harry.
Thanks, Harry.
We're really grateful.
Can we stay one more day? Nope.
[LAUGHS.]
No, we cannot.
God, I wish you could stay, too, little buddy.
I love the shit out of you.
You make me feel twinges in my belly that I never knew possible.
But you've got your own life, and I'm building mine, so this is good-bye.
I love you more than anyone, Harry.
You lose a sock, buddy? I found one! Here.
Thank you.
Yeah, no sweat.
[COUGHS.]
Miguel already left.
Oh, that's all right.
Yeah, she's gonna stay here with me for a little while.
Yep.
She nursed me back to health after you beat the shit out of me, and I haven't felt that safe in years.
- Good.
- I just want to feel safe for as long as I can, you know? Ugh.
So so you're staying here? Yeah.
I guess I am.
- You ready for this? - I'm ready for it.
[LAUGHS.]
Or, you know, at least until it gets colder out.
River and Roma are coming up in a week, and they adore wild animals, so Fun.
You think we'll see you guys next year, maybe, for a little reunion? Yeah.
Mm.
[RUSTIC MUSIC.]
I fucked her.
I fucked Jandice.
I did it.
I fucked Jandice.
[GASPS.]
[CRIES.]
[BREATHING SHAKILY.]
No job to pay the rent And there's no love To make it better There's no plans What you doing later? Take my hand Alligator And what's your name How you doing? I like your hair How do you do it? And it's no fair That you're taken And it's unfair That you're spoken for Life is funny, life's a laugh Life is lonely, it's a drag And I don't care You're not a traitor I'll take the stairs Not the elevator And one day I'll see you at the top Oh, I've been on Our love will never stop And I've been on the way too long And I've been on the way too long I've been on the way too long I've been on the way too long