Champions (2018) s01e08 Episode Script
Nepotism
1 Congratulations? On the gym finally turning a profit? I'm stoked, but we can't afford balloons.
Whereas I'm confident enough in our finances to finally stop using both sides of the paper towel.
Actually, the banner and balloons are for me.
My mom sent them.
They're doing the musical I wrote for the freshman show.
Whoa, all right, that's amazing! Hey, if you need any help with lyrics, I used to rap with my boy, M.
C.
Mayonnaise and the Whipped Cream Crew.
Anyway, when is it? TBD.
Technically, my show hasn't been chosen yet, but this is a mere formality.
I mean, it's between me and some girl named Sandra.
Oh, so you might be getting your musical made.
I will delete this text to M.
C.
Mayonnaise.
Send the text.
With slam effect.
My musical is called "Shirtwaist.
" It's a love triangle during the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire of 1911.
"The New York Times" will say, "Who Evan Hansen?" Don't you think you're getting your hopes up just a little high? A little high? My hopes live in a castle on a cloud.
My mother has told me I'm amazing since the day I was born, and I refuse to believe otherwise.
Yeah, Vince, Michael's so talented, I won't live in a world - where he doesn't get everything he wants.
- Okay.
All right, I'm just speaking as someone who once got vanity plates reading MLB-MVP and didn't even own a car.
Oh, just stop.
The only thing I am letting rain on my pride parade is men.
Now, excuse me, I have to go practice my surprise face for when they tell me the news.
Okay.
Little me, it came true.
One take.
Later.
Nailed it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Amazing job, ladies.
- I'll see you next week.
- Bye.
Vince, I can't keep teaching seven classes a day.
My body's starting to burn bone marrow for energy.
I have never looked better and I am too weak to take a picture of myself.
B, I think it's too soon to hire new instructors - but I'll figure something out.
- Vince, Mr.
Clarke loved the gym tour.
He's ready to sign up for a full membership.
Get him inked before the water fountain electrocutes him.
- What did you say? - Nothing.
Now? I'm trying to fix the schedule.
Britney, can you Yeah.
Oh, hey, Ruby, do you have time to do some new member paperwork? Real quick.
Sorry, your stupid schedule has me training two people at once.
And now they're flirting with each other, gross.
- Figure this out.
- You know, if you're really that busy, I could do the paperwork.
Since going back to school, I've been balancing homework and playing for the field hockey team.
So.
You do the paperwork? It's a little complicated and you're already the most important person here.
You run the floor.
You're like the model outside of Abercrombie & Fitch.
You'd be wasted in the back, folding sweater with us suckers.
Run the floor.
- Huh.
I guess that's true.
- Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Have you seen Dana? - Asher? - Did you drop off Kombucha? I'm heading to a four day "Avatar" convention.
Banshee level V.
I.
P status.
Yeah.
It cost all my birthday money.
No, no, no, no, no, no! That devil's Koosh ball is not staying here.
Look at those soulless black eyes.
Matthew, what's the problem? You love dogs.
I know.
Dogs used to be my favorite people until I met Kombucha.
He bites my leg, chews on my phone, and stinks up my office.
Our office.
And the only thing that smells in there are your feet.
Uh, my feet don't smell like dog, Dana.
They smell like wet cheese.
Hey.
Mr.
Clarke left without signing up.
I wrote down his plates.
Want me to give his daughter a scare? Please don't.
Great.
We just lost a new customer because of your arguing.
We're settling this now.
How am I supposed to do payroll when my eyes are watering from Matthew's feet? And why are you barefoot anyways? I'm an athlete.
That means I have athlete's foot.
Also, I don't like hearing you crying on the phone to your boyfriend all day.
Well, luckily, I paid attention at Pitbull's weekend-long management seminar.
Matthew, Dana's no longer allowed to bring her dog into the office.
- What? - And Dana? Stop calling Asher during work hours.
It's unprofessional.
Unprofessional? Matthew is literally clipping his toenails into the garbage can right now.
Oh, I'm sorry, princess.
Shall I clip them onto a silver platter? This is insane.
I have not seen nepotism this obvious since the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.
- Okay.
- What? Nepotism? Vince treats me the same as everyone else.
Dismissive and sighs a lot.
- [SIGHS.]
That is ridiculous.
- Then why does Matthew, a trainer, even have an office? And a nicer computer? I'm the office accountant.
And my computer is a tower PC from Walgreens that burns my legs.
'Cause he he's the floor guy.
Then why doesn't he stay on the floor? Because I need a place to get away from it all.
I can't be on all the time.
- Yeah.
- Well, then how about I leave, and the two of you can get off together.
Sorry, that you know what I mean.
- What? - Just Kombucha, come on.
Come on.
Wow.
Can you believe her? In horrible, life-scarring news about my playwriting career, they picked Sandra's musical.
Really? But your musical's perfect.
Unless, was hers about a dog that makes the varsity basketball team? No.
Her show is so basic.
Get this, it's about her childhood in Syria.
She came up with the idea by remembering what happened to her.
Real original.
Oh, look, Michael, I'm sorry you didn't get it.
But as someone who's suffered many setbacks Scoliosis, failed baseball career, every goldfish he's every had has killed itself.
Uh-huh.
That's right, yep.
So, anyway, you can believe me when I say there's a bright side to everything, okay? You've just got to look for it.
Like, you made it to the top two.
With all due respect, get that loser, hippie, silver medal, snowflake bullcrap out of my face.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I'm with you Michael.
You are way too talented for setbacks.
This is injustice and I will not sleep until it's corrected.
- Thank you.
- Michael, you're my kid.
Please let some of the heartache I've endured mean something.
Shut up, shut up.
Sandra's musical was just optioned by the public theater.
Which means they're doing "Shirtwaist" at school.
Hey, that's great.
Congratulations.
Uh-uh, honey, no more room on the bandwagon.
In your face, hater.
ALL: Oh, yeah.
Hey, what are you guys huddling around? I told you, we're not doing a gym yearbook.
Dana, I said you can't bring your dog to work anymore.
Or was I using too much hip-hop slang to be understood? Oh, I understood you.
But everyone agrees with me that you sided with Matthew out of nepotism.
Guys, nepotism is when you promote family over merit.
Your Kennedys, your Wahlbergers, your property brothers, but I don't do that.
Oh, really? Then why does Matthew get all the best hours and vacation days? And, you let him sip your Sprite, but when I ask you're all like, "I think I'm getting sick.
" - No.
- Yeah.
His photo's all over the brochure.
None of mine.
You literally Photoshopped a picture of Matthew spotting for Matthew.
All right, guys, you've got it all wrong.
All right, I get all this stuff because I run the floor.
- Yeah.
- Run the floor? Do we get to just make up our own job titles now? If running the floor is made up, then why do I get paid more than all of you to do it? [ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE.]
- Are you kidding me right now, Vince? - Hey, you know what, hey guys.
Look, to prove that I treat everyone exactly the same, I want you two to make a list of reasons why you need the office.
A boring list? Now you're playing right into Dana's strong suit.
What's next, a calculator race? Haven't done those in years.
Dean Pasquesi.
Here's the cast list for my musical.
Take a look.
I'm sure you'll be familiar with some of the names.
Yes, I'm familiar with Leslie Odom Jr.
Unfortunately, he does not go to this school.
Okay, just so long as I can get everyone else.
I need Ben Platt, Sutton Foster, the dog from "The Artist.
" Michael, this is a school play.
It doesn't work like that, and you have to hold auditions for the students and animals that actually go here.
Ugh, fine.
I mean as the lead, I basically carry the whole show.
You have to audition too, Michael.
Don't you want to make sure you get the best person for each part? Oh, my god.
Why is this school so obsessed with making me audition for things? I can't wait to get out in the real world and just start succeeding.
Vince, we made our lists.
All right, more of this.
Reasons I need an office: Accounting duties.
Privacy when issuing payroll checks.
A secure place to store employee social security numbers.
- Filing our annual tax - Okay, stop, stop.
You really do all that, for what I pay you? - Damn.
- And I'm only on number four.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
List of office uses, by Matthew Herbert Walker Cook.
- Yep.
- Minesweeper.
Toenail maintenance.
Naps.
Storage of hockey gear.
A drawer for my gecko Vince to live in.
Okay, if you don't give me that office, I quit.
Okay, please, don't quit.
I admit, maybe there's been a little inadvertent nepotism.
How could you? We're family.
So here's what's gonna happen.
Matthew, Dana can keep Kombucha in the office.
Dana, you get Matthew's nicer computer.
- Yay! - What are you, Dana's brother now? This stinks.
I spent forever on this list.
Score one for the good guys.
Ashes to ashes Lust to lust The doors are locked now, let's combust Very impressive, Michael.
I wasn't sure that I would buy you as turn of the century Irish factory foreman Michael O.
Patel but, wow.
Much obliged, Dean Patater.
You know, Dean, I am so glad I had to go through all this to get the role.
It'll make a good act break for my E! True Hollywood story.
- Am I too late to audition? - Greg? What are you doing here? Why aren't you practicing your harp? Nationals are in a week.
I sprained my finger and figured I'd try this.
I've never done a musical.
Or even sang before but, why not? Unfortunately, the faculty is emotionally drained over what I just did, so.
Oh, I'm sure we can muster the energy for Greg.
Okay.
Well, what part are you trying out for? Mute street urchin? [IRISH BROGUE.]
Irish factory foreman, Michael O.
Patel.
Ashes to ashes, lust to lust The doors are locked now, let's combust Oh, oh, oh! Whoo! I don't know, guys.
The script is very specific on the height and skin tone of this character.
This is just the director in me protecting the writer in me.
That was so amazing.
Greg, you got the part.
- What? - You're kidding.
Thank you.
Wait, how could this happen? I imagined every possible scenario and in each one, I got the part.
This is the worst feeling in the world.
Could Vince be right? Is it better to keep my expectations realistic? Vince, I'm about to pass out.
I am reporting you to HR for murder 'cause you are working me to death.
HR is just Dana.
If Dana fired me, I'd be like, "you're fired for firing me.
" Look, she's not even here.
"Matthew, I've gone to get a Dilbert mousepad "for my new computer.
Please don't let Kombucha out.
Dana.
" Wait, the door was open.
Kombucha's gone.
Damn it, Matthew.
- Ahhh.
- Whoa.
Come on, Matthew.
Admit it.
You let the dog out like a straight up Baha Man.
I didn't let him out.
Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? That standard's applied to white men for centuries.
Okay, well, we still need to find that dog before Dana finds out.
If she quits, I won't know what to pay her replacement.
$10 an hour, $100 an hour? I'd believe either.
And when she's stressed, her Pittsburg accent really comes out.
You know, that's the only accent banned at Juilliard.
There's no way to use it without getting into a fight.
- I believe it.
- You know, Dana's always talking about how her boyfriend, Asher put a computer chip in their dog.
I don't know what it does 'cause usually I leave when Dana starts talking.
Wait, wait.
If Kombucha's chipped, that means we can track him.
We just need to get into Dana's computer.
BOTH: Michael.
Michael, there you are.
Why didn't you answer your phone? You can't call someone my age.
That's like me sending you a telegram.
Can you help us track the chip in Dana's dog? Okay.
In order to locate the chip, we need to log onto Dana's computer using something called a password.
Whoa.
But how do we contact Dana? My phone.
- Right.
That's good.
- Yo, Dana, what's up? Hey, I'm switching Matthew over to your old computer and I just needed your password.
No, I promise I won't laugh.
[SCOFFS.]
Asher's bad girl? Yuck.
Thank you.
Oh, man.
Go time, bro time.
Yes.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
I'm in.
Am I a hacker? Hey, how come you're not at rehearsal? The powers that be decided it best for me to not star in my own production so, I pulled a Camila Cabello.
- You quit? - Well done.
And, yeah, I quit.
Oh, I can't believe they didn't give you the part.
You're a brilliant actor.
Every night when you say you brush your teeth, I believe it.
Hey, look, do you mind not telling Vince that I quit? I don't need another lecture on not getting my hopes up.
Hope is the thing with feathers.
Kylie Jenner wrote that on Instagram.
She is a poet.
Okay, I got into Dana's computer.
Good news, Kombucha's ten blocks away.
Let's go.
You're welcome.
I can't believe you did this.
I swear on my life, I didn't let Kombucha out.
Though I certainly had every reason to.
Because of an office and a computer? Look, I know you like eCards, but no one else does.
No.
Because I just found out my whole life is a fraud.
I didn't realize I was born on third base.
I thought I was born in a Kmart.
Okay, you want the truth, Matthew? I was protecting you because you're my brother.
I don't want to see you fail.
What makes you think I would fail? I am in the top half of my class at a very prestigious all girls high school.
Okay, but say I gave you more actual responsibility, and it didn't work out.
What, I fire you? We get divorced as brothers? It's hard enough explaining our relationship to girls as it is.
[BARKING.]
BOTH: Kombucha? Hey, we'll be right there, buddy.
- We'll talk about this later.
- Sure.
Ma'am, are you aware that there is a vicious beast - inside of your home? - Babe, come back to bed.
Jake Sully needs his Neytiri in the Tree of Souls.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Hey, guys, what's up? Asher? What are you doing here? Why are you holding a Na'vi crossbow? I wish I did not know that.
Look, I did not want to have to do this but I need to invoke the bro code on this one.
- Bro code? - I'm getting back in the amnio tank.
- Meet you in there, babe.
- Wait, you've been here enough that Kombucha knows to find you here? Oh, Judith is actually the breeder.
That's how we met.
- Sure.
- But seriously, guys, can we keep this between the fellers? I mean, don't be dicks.
Keep what between the fellas, I mean, don't be dicks? Oh, my god, you're cheating on Dana.
"Srane.
" That's Na'vi for yes.
- Okay, just go get the dog.
- Okay.
So, Asher's cheating on Dana? What are we supposed to do? Hey, don't ask me.
What if I can't handle the responsibility of answering that question? Can you keep it down? The show's cancelled.
Dean Pasquesi's wife died.
- Really? That's horrible? - Oh, no, it's it's good.
It's she was executed.
What? She was a serial killer.
Oh, oh.
That's that's crazy.
Whoa.
This is crazy.
Dean Pasquesi's calling me right now.
- What? - Hey, Dean.
- Oh, boy.
- Congratulations? Wait, what? Really? Uh-huh.
Well, thanks for telling me, I appreciate that.
Yeah.
So, the Sque's just told me you quit because you didn't get the lead, as if this man has not been through enough today? Fine.
It's true.
Okay, but why do you care? You're the one who said they probably wouldn't even pick my musical.
This is just like if they hadn't.
I'm being wise and fatalistic like you, Vince.
I'm not fatalistic, I'm realistic, and artistic.
My linguistics statistics are strictly ballistic.
I'm Teflon, I'm non-stick, little Mikey's my sidekick.
- What is - Sorry.
I felt the flow and I went with it.
Realism? Fatalism? The point is, you always assume the worst.
But now your bubble's burst.
You should put your family first.
Uh.
- Yep.
- Uh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mom's spaghetti.
No.
Where does my talent come from? The mystery continues.
All right, guys, I want you to succeed.
Just don't count on it, and you'll be a lot happier.
Happy-ish.
Bearable.
Life will be bearable.
I want life to be perfect or I want to be dead.
I felt the same way when I was your age.
Then life got hard, and instead of becoming some bitter old loser chasing an unrealistic dream, I did the brave thing.
I settled.
Do you not hear yourself? I do.
I was hoping it would sound better to you, though, Look, you can live your life in whatever sad way you want, Vince.
But some of us need a little hope to not go insane.
This isn't the '90s.
Depression isn't cool any more, Alanis.
That's why you feel so cursed.
That would have been so good.
Why didn't I say it? Hey, Dana.
Quick question.
Are you a shoot the messenger type gal? - Oh, absolutely.
Why? - Okay.
Let's see.
I'm just gonna take these.
Let me just preface this by saying please don't quit.
Matthew and I saw Asher today.
Wait.
You saw Asher today and you don't want me to quit? I mean, oh my oh, my god.
Was he buying an engagement ring? I mean, he doesn't even know my ring size, but I will make it fit.
No, no, not quite.
Pretty much the opposite of that.
Uh, we caught him cheating on you with a giant blue Smurf.
I'm sorry.
What? Are you kiddin' me? That jackoff is cheatin'? Oh, I feel sick.
Give me a glass of water.
Wow, you really worked to beat back that accent, huh? You know, I I just had so many dreams for our life together.
Now, I'm gonna die alone.
Look, until a few minutes ago, I would have said, "yeah, probably.
" But, I've learned that sometimes you've got to hold onto a dream, no matter how implausible.
You will find a boyfriend.
Okay.
Spoken like a man who will remain fertile until the day he dies.
Which could be today if he doesn't stop talking.
Your daddy's a jagoff.
Hey.
Been thinking about what you said and you're right.
How you should stop calling yourself the "V-Card?" No, that nickname is bona fide and it's gonna stay, okay? You were right about how I shouldn't be telling you how to live your life.
That being said, if you quit this play, I'm kicking you out.
What? No.
I already made a scene.
I can't go back on that.
People won't respect my tantrums.
Yes, I know.
This means your life will briefly not be perfect.
But you are a Cook.
Cooks don't quit.
Okay, starting today, Cook's don't quit.
Well, I'm also a Patel.
And Mom quits all the time.
She's been to, like, the first ten minutes of every yoga class in Cleveland.
All right.
You haven't been gone that long, so just enter quietly.
Apologize, be humble, and get back to work.
Your savior has returned, you talentless hacks.
Commence your groveling.
You've only missed one rehearsal.
They thought you were in the bathroom.
Michael.
Thank god you're here.
You're a genius.
Reading your work has made me realize that I've wasted my life as America's best young male harpist.
Wow.
Maybe my true calling isn't acting, but being an amazing writer-director.
Well, direct me.
I am but a vessel.
You are the wine.
Thanks, but leave the metaphors to me.
All right, everybody.
Step one, I'm gonna need you to forget everything you've ever learned.
Absolutely not.
- You all have finals coming up.
- Okay.
Let's take it from the top.
Hey, Matthew.
I've tracked down our old friend, Mr.
Clarke.
I told him that the drama was part of the Champions experience, like a "Housewives" reunion special.
Do you want me to get out of here so you can help him - do the sign-up paperwork? - No, I want you to do it.
It is a tedious, yet legitimately important job that I now pass on to you.
Plus, I got to focus on hiring a few more instructors before Brittany dies.
Really, I mean, are you sure? What if I make a mistake and accidentally sign Mr.
Clarke up for the Taliban? - What did you say? - Definitely don't do that.
But, I trust you.
And I'm sorry I blamed you for letting Kombucha out.
Oh, no, I totally let that dog get away.
He peed all over your office.
Have a seat, Mr.
Clarke.
Care for a Cheeto? - No, thank you.
- You passed the test.
I think this is the start of a beautiful membership.
- Mother's maiden name? - Vicenda Cordona de Casillas.
And that's spelled just as it sounds?
Whereas I'm confident enough in our finances to finally stop using both sides of the paper towel.
Actually, the banner and balloons are for me.
My mom sent them.
They're doing the musical I wrote for the freshman show.
Whoa, all right, that's amazing! Hey, if you need any help with lyrics, I used to rap with my boy, M.
C.
Mayonnaise and the Whipped Cream Crew.
Anyway, when is it? TBD.
Technically, my show hasn't been chosen yet, but this is a mere formality.
I mean, it's between me and some girl named Sandra.
Oh, so you might be getting your musical made.
I will delete this text to M.
C.
Mayonnaise.
Send the text.
With slam effect.
My musical is called "Shirtwaist.
" It's a love triangle during the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire of 1911.
"The New York Times" will say, "Who Evan Hansen?" Don't you think you're getting your hopes up just a little high? A little high? My hopes live in a castle on a cloud.
My mother has told me I'm amazing since the day I was born, and I refuse to believe otherwise.
Yeah, Vince, Michael's so talented, I won't live in a world - where he doesn't get everything he wants.
- Okay.
All right, I'm just speaking as someone who once got vanity plates reading MLB-MVP and didn't even own a car.
Oh, just stop.
The only thing I am letting rain on my pride parade is men.
Now, excuse me, I have to go practice my surprise face for when they tell me the news.
Okay.
Little me, it came true.
One take.
Later.
Nailed it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Amazing job, ladies.
- I'll see you next week.
- Bye.
Vince, I can't keep teaching seven classes a day.
My body's starting to burn bone marrow for energy.
I have never looked better and I am too weak to take a picture of myself.
B, I think it's too soon to hire new instructors - but I'll figure something out.
- Vince, Mr.
Clarke loved the gym tour.
He's ready to sign up for a full membership.
Get him inked before the water fountain electrocutes him.
- What did you say? - Nothing.
Now? I'm trying to fix the schedule.
Britney, can you Yeah.
Oh, hey, Ruby, do you have time to do some new member paperwork? Real quick.
Sorry, your stupid schedule has me training two people at once.
And now they're flirting with each other, gross.
- Figure this out.
- You know, if you're really that busy, I could do the paperwork.
Since going back to school, I've been balancing homework and playing for the field hockey team.
So.
You do the paperwork? It's a little complicated and you're already the most important person here.
You run the floor.
You're like the model outside of Abercrombie & Fitch.
You'd be wasted in the back, folding sweater with us suckers.
Run the floor.
- Huh.
I guess that's true.
- Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Have you seen Dana? - Asher? - Did you drop off Kombucha? I'm heading to a four day "Avatar" convention.
Banshee level V.
I.
P status.
Yeah.
It cost all my birthday money.
No, no, no, no, no, no! That devil's Koosh ball is not staying here.
Look at those soulless black eyes.
Matthew, what's the problem? You love dogs.
I know.
Dogs used to be my favorite people until I met Kombucha.
He bites my leg, chews on my phone, and stinks up my office.
Our office.
And the only thing that smells in there are your feet.
Uh, my feet don't smell like dog, Dana.
They smell like wet cheese.
Hey.
Mr.
Clarke left without signing up.
I wrote down his plates.
Want me to give his daughter a scare? Please don't.
Great.
We just lost a new customer because of your arguing.
We're settling this now.
How am I supposed to do payroll when my eyes are watering from Matthew's feet? And why are you barefoot anyways? I'm an athlete.
That means I have athlete's foot.
Also, I don't like hearing you crying on the phone to your boyfriend all day.
Well, luckily, I paid attention at Pitbull's weekend-long management seminar.
Matthew, Dana's no longer allowed to bring her dog into the office.
- What? - And Dana? Stop calling Asher during work hours.
It's unprofessional.
Unprofessional? Matthew is literally clipping his toenails into the garbage can right now.
Oh, I'm sorry, princess.
Shall I clip them onto a silver platter? This is insane.
I have not seen nepotism this obvious since the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.
- Okay.
- What? Nepotism? Vince treats me the same as everyone else.
Dismissive and sighs a lot.
- [SIGHS.]
That is ridiculous.
- Then why does Matthew, a trainer, even have an office? And a nicer computer? I'm the office accountant.
And my computer is a tower PC from Walgreens that burns my legs.
'Cause he he's the floor guy.
Then why doesn't he stay on the floor? Because I need a place to get away from it all.
I can't be on all the time.
- Yeah.
- Well, then how about I leave, and the two of you can get off together.
Sorry, that you know what I mean.
- What? - Just Kombucha, come on.
Come on.
Wow.
Can you believe her? In horrible, life-scarring news about my playwriting career, they picked Sandra's musical.
Really? But your musical's perfect.
Unless, was hers about a dog that makes the varsity basketball team? No.
Her show is so basic.
Get this, it's about her childhood in Syria.
She came up with the idea by remembering what happened to her.
Real original.
Oh, look, Michael, I'm sorry you didn't get it.
But as someone who's suffered many setbacks Scoliosis, failed baseball career, every goldfish he's every had has killed itself.
Uh-huh.
That's right, yep.
So, anyway, you can believe me when I say there's a bright side to everything, okay? You've just got to look for it.
Like, you made it to the top two.
With all due respect, get that loser, hippie, silver medal, snowflake bullcrap out of my face.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I'm with you Michael.
You are way too talented for setbacks.
This is injustice and I will not sleep until it's corrected.
- Thank you.
- Michael, you're my kid.
Please let some of the heartache I've endured mean something.
Shut up, shut up.
Sandra's musical was just optioned by the public theater.
Which means they're doing "Shirtwaist" at school.
Hey, that's great.
Congratulations.
Uh-uh, honey, no more room on the bandwagon.
In your face, hater.
ALL: Oh, yeah.
Hey, what are you guys huddling around? I told you, we're not doing a gym yearbook.
Dana, I said you can't bring your dog to work anymore.
Or was I using too much hip-hop slang to be understood? Oh, I understood you.
But everyone agrees with me that you sided with Matthew out of nepotism.
Guys, nepotism is when you promote family over merit.
Your Kennedys, your Wahlbergers, your property brothers, but I don't do that.
Oh, really? Then why does Matthew get all the best hours and vacation days? And, you let him sip your Sprite, but when I ask you're all like, "I think I'm getting sick.
" - No.
- Yeah.
His photo's all over the brochure.
None of mine.
You literally Photoshopped a picture of Matthew spotting for Matthew.
All right, guys, you've got it all wrong.
All right, I get all this stuff because I run the floor.
- Yeah.
- Run the floor? Do we get to just make up our own job titles now? If running the floor is made up, then why do I get paid more than all of you to do it? [ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE.]
- Are you kidding me right now, Vince? - Hey, you know what, hey guys.
Look, to prove that I treat everyone exactly the same, I want you two to make a list of reasons why you need the office.
A boring list? Now you're playing right into Dana's strong suit.
What's next, a calculator race? Haven't done those in years.
Dean Pasquesi.
Here's the cast list for my musical.
Take a look.
I'm sure you'll be familiar with some of the names.
Yes, I'm familiar with Leslie Odom Jr.
Unfortunately, he does not go to this school.
Okay, just so long as I can get everyone else.
I need Ben Platt, Sutton Foster, the dog from "The Artist.
" Michael, this is a school play.
It doesn't work like that, and you have to hold auditions for the students and animals that actually go here.
Ugh, fine.
I mean as the lead, I basically carry the whole show.
You have to audition too, Michael.
Don't you want to make sure you get the best person for each part? Oh, my god.
Why is this school so obsessed with making me audition for things? I can't wait to get out in the real world and just start succeeding.
Vince, we made our lists.
All right, more of this.
Reasons I need an office: Accounting duties.
Privacy when issuing payroll checks.
A secure place to store employee social security numbers.
- Filing our annual tax - Okay, stop, stop.
You really do all that, for what I pay you? - Damn.
- And I'm only on number four.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
List of office uses, by Matthew Herbert Walker Cook.
- Yep.
- Minesweeper.
Toenail maintenance.
Naps.
Storage of hockey gear.
A drawer for my gecko Vince to live in.
Okay, if you don't give me that office, I quit.
Okay, please, don't quit.
I admit, maybe there's been a little inadvertent nepotism.
How could you? We're family.
So here's what's gonna happen.
Matthew, Dana can keep Kombucha in the office.
Dana, you get Matthew's nicer computer.
- Yay! - What are you, Dana's brother now? This stinks.
I spent forever on this list.
Score one for the good guys.
Ashes to ashes Lust to lust The doors are locked now, let's combust Very impressive, Michael.
I wasn't sure that I would buy you as turn of the century Irish factory foreman Michael O.
Patel but, wow.
Much obliged, Dean Patater.
You know, Dean, I am so glad I had to go through all this to get the role.
It'll make a good act break for my E! True Hollywood story.
- Am I too late to audition? - Greg? What are you doing here? Why aren't you practicing your harp? Nationals are in a week.
I sprained my finger and figured I'd try this.
I've never done a musical.
Or even sang before but, why not? Unfortunately, the faculty is emotionally drained over what I just did, so.
Oh, I'm sure we can muster the energy for Greg.
Okay.
Well, what part are you trying out for? Mute street urchin? [IRISH BROGUE.]
Irish factory foreman, Michael O.
Patel.
Ashes to ashes, lust to lust The doors are locked now, let's combust Oh, oh, oh! Whoo! I don't know, guys.
The script is very specific on the height and skin tone of this character.
This is just the director in me protecting the writer in me.
That was so amazing.
Greg, you got the part.
- What? - You're kidding.
Thank you.
Wait, how could this happen? I imagined every possible scenario and in each one, I got the part.
This is the worst feeling in the world.
Could Vince be right? Is it better to keep my expectations realistic? Vince, I'm about to pass out.
I am reporting you to HR for murder 'cause you are working me to death.
HR is just Dana.
If Dana fired me, I'd be like, "you're fired for firing me.
" Look, she's not even here.
"Matthew, I've gone to get a Dilbert mousepad "for my new computer.
Please don't let Kombucha out.
Dana.
" Wait, the door was open.
Kombucha's gone.
Damn it, Matthew.
- Ahhh.
- Whoa.
Come on, Matthew.
Admit it.
You let the dog out like a straight up Baha Man.
I didn't let him out.
Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? That standard's applied to white men for centuries.
Okay, well, we still need to find that dog before Dana finds out.
If she quits, I won't know what to pay her replacement.
$10 an hour, $100 an hour? I'd believe either.
And when she's stressed, her Pittsburg accent really comes out.
You know, that's the only accent banned at Juilliard.
There's no way to use it without getting into a fight.
- I believe it.
- You know, Dana's always talking about how her boyfriend, Asher put a computer chip in their dog.
I don't know what it does 'cause usually I leave when Dana starts talking.
Wait, wait.
If Kombucha's chipped, that means we can track him.
We just need to get into Dana's computer.
BOTH: Michael.
Michael, there you are.
Why didn't you answer your phone? You can't call someone my age.
That's like me sending you a telegram.
Can you help us track the chip in Dana's dog? Okay.
In order to locate the chip, we need to log onto Dana's computer using something called a password.
Whoa.
But how do we contact Dana? My phone.
- Right.
That's good.
- Yo, Dana, what's up? Hey, I'm switching Matthew over to your old computer and I just needed your password.
No, I promise I won't laugh.
[SCOFFS.]
Asher's bad girl? Yuck.
Thank you.
Oh, man.
Go time, bro time.
Yes.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
I'm in.
Am I a hacker? Hey, how come you're not at rehearsal? The powers that be decided it best for me to not star in my own production so, I pulled a Camila Cabello.
- You quit? - Well done.
And, yeah, I quit.
Oh, I can't believe they didn't give you the part.
You're a brilliant actor.
Every night when you say you brush your teeth, I believe it.
Hey, look, do you mind not telling Vince that I quit? I don't need another lecture on not getting my hopes up.
Hope is the thing with feathers.
Kylie Jenner wrote that on Instagram.
She is a poet.
Okay, I got into Dana's computer.
Good news, Kombucha's ten blocks away.
Let's go.
You're welcome.
I can't believe you did this.
I swear on my life, I didn't let Kombucha out.
Though I certainly had every reason to.
Because of an office and a computer? Look, I know you like eCards, but no one else does.
No.
Because I just found out my whole life is a fraud.
I didn't realize I was born on third base.
I thought I was born in a Kmart.
Okay, you want the truth, Matthew? I was protecting you because you're my brother.
I don't want to see you fail.
What makes you think I would fail? I am in the top half of my class at a very prestigious all girls high school.
Okay, but say I gave you more actual responsibility, and it didn't work out.
What, I fire you? We get divorced as brothers? It's hard enough explaining our relationship to girls as it is.
[BARKING.]
BOTH: Kombucha? Hey, we'll be right there, buddy.
- We'll talk about this later.
- Sure.
Ma'am, are you aware that there is a vicious beast - inside of your home? - Babe, come back to bed.
Jake Sully needs his Neytiri in the Tree of Souls.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Hey, guys, what's up? Asher? What are you doing here? Why are you holding a Na'vi crossbow? I wish I did not know that.
Look, I did not want to have to do this but I need to invoke the bro code on this one.
- Bro code? - I'm getting back in the amnio tank.
- Meet you in there, babe.
- Wait, you've been here enough that Kombucha knows to find you here? Oh, Judith is actually the breeder.
That's how we met.
- Sure.
- But seriously, guys, can we keep this between the fellers? I mean, don't be dicks.
Keep what between the fellas, I mean, don't be dicks? Oh, my god, you're cheating on Dana.
"Srane.
" That's Na'vi for yes.
- Okay, just go get the dog.
- Okay.
So, Asher's cheating on Dana? What are we supposed to do? Hey, don't ask me.
What if I can't handle the responsibility of answering that question? Can you keep it down? The show's cancelled.
Dean Pasquesi's wife died.
- Really? That's horrible? - Oh, no, it's it's good.
It's she was executed.
What? She was a serial killer.
Oh, oh.
That's that's crazy.
Whoa.
This is crazy.
Dean Pasquesi's calling me right now.
- What? - Hey, Dean.
- Oh, boy.
- Congratulations? Wait, what? Really? Uh-huh.
Well, thanks for telling me, I appreciate that.
Yeah.
So, the Sque's just told me you quit because you didn't get the lead, as if this man has not been through enough today? Fine.
It's true.
Okay, but why do you care? You're the one who said they probably wouldn't even pick my musical.
This is just like if they hadn't.
I'm being wise and fatalistic like you, Vince.
I'm not fatalistic, I'm realistic, and artistic.
My linguistics statistics are strictly ballistic.
I'm Teflon, I'm non-stick, little Mikey's my sidekick.
- What is - Sorry.
I felt the flow and I went with it.
Realism? Fatalism? The point is, you always assume the worst.
But now your bubble's burst.
You should put your family first.
Uh.
- Yep.
- Uh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mom's spaghetti.
No.
Where does my talent come from? The mystery continues.
All right, guys, I want you to succeed.
Just don't count on it, and you'll be a lot happier.
Happy-ish.
Bearable.
Life will be bearable.
I want life to be perfect or I want to be dead.
I felt the same way when I was your age.
Then life got hard, and instead of becoming some bitter old loser chasing an unrealistic dream, I did the brave thing.
I settled.
Do you not hear yourself? I do.
I was hoping it would sound better to you, though, Look, you can live your life in whatever sad way you want, Vince.
But some of us need a little hope to not go insane.
This isn't the '90s.
Depression isn't cool any more, Alanis.
That's why you feel so cursed.
That would have been so good.
Why didn't I say it? Hey, Dana.
Quick question.
Are you a shoot the messenger type gal? - Oh, absolutely.
Why? - Okay.
Let's see.
I'm just gonna take these.
Let me just preface this by saying please don't quit.
Matthew and I saw Asher today.
Wait.
You saw Asher today and you don't want me to quit? I mean, oh my oh, my god.
Was he buying an engagement ring? I mean, he doesn't even know my ring size, but I will make it fit.
No, no, not quite.
Pretty much the opposite of that.
Uh, we caught him cheating on you with a giant blue Smurf.
I'm sorry.
What? Are you kiddin' me? That jackoff is cheatin'? Oh, I feel sick.
Give me a glass of water.
Wow, you really worked to beat back that accent, huh? You know, I I just had so many dreams for our life together.
Now, I'm gonna die alone.
Look, until a few minutes ago, I would have said, "yeah, probably.
" But, I've learned that sometimes you've got to hold onto a dream, no matter how implausible.
You will find a boyfriend.
Okay.
Spoken like a man who will remain fertile until the day he dies.
Which could be today if he doesn't stop talking.
Your daddy's a jagoff.
Hey.
Been thinking about what you said and you're right.
How you should stop calling yourself the "V-Card?" No, that nickname is bona fide and it's gonna stay, okay? You were right about how I shouldn't be telling you how to live your life.
That being said, if you quit this play, I'm kicking you out.
What? No.
I already made a scene.
I can't go back on that.
People won't respect my tantrums.
Yes, I know.
This means your life will briefly not be perfect.
But you are a Cook.
Cooks don't quit.
Okay, starting today, Cook's don't quit.
Well, I'm also a Patel.
And Mom quits all the time.
She's been to, like, the first ten minutes of every yoga class in Cleveland.
All right.
You haven't been gone that long, so just enter quietly.
Apologize, be humble, and get back to work.
Your savior has returned, you talentless hacks.
Commence your groveling.
You've only missed one rehearsal.
They thought you were in the bathroom.
Michael.
Thank god you're here.
You're a genius.
Reading your work has made me realize that I've wasted my life as America's best young male harpist.
Wow.
Maybe my true calling isn't acting, but being an amazing writer-director.
Well, direct me.
I am but a vessel.
You are the wine.
Thanks, but leave the metaphors to me.
All right, everybody.
Step one, I'm gonna need you to forget everything you've ever learned.
Absolutely not.
- You all have finals coming up.
- Okay.
Let's take it from the top.
Hey, Matthew.
I've tracked down our old friend, Mr.
Clarke.
I told him that the drama was part of the Champions experience, like a "Housewives" reunion special.
Do you want me to get out of here so you can help him - do the sign-up paperwork? - No, I want you to do it.
It is a tedious, yet legitimately important job that I now pass on to you.
Plus, I got to focus on hiring a few more instructors before Brittany dies.
Really, I mean, are you sure? What if I make a mistake and accidentally sign Mr.
Clarke up for the Taliban? - What did you say? - Definitely don't do that.
But, I trust you.
And I'm sorry I blamed you for letting Kombucha out.
Oh, no, I totally let that dog get away.
He peed all over your office.
Have a seat, Mr.
Clarke.
Care for a Cheeto? - No, thank you.
- You passed the test.
I think this is the start of a beautiful membership.
- Mother's maiden name? - Vicenda Cordona de Casillas.
And that's spelled just as it sounds?