Close Enough (2020) s01e08 Episode Script


[♪♪♪]
A serving wrench,
just like in "Cable Guy".
[LAUGHS] Okay, okay.
I'm going to say it.
Can I help you, my lords?
Does thou have a mug of ale
for me and me mate?
[SNORTS]
Yeah, we like it.
We like it a lot.
We like it a lot.
[LAUGHING]
Oh. More Jim Carrey fans.
Delightful.
We're going
to do this every year
for the rest of our lives, dude!
[LAUGHING]
[♪♪♪]
[LAUGHING]
My lords, welcome back.
Happy "Medieval Times-aversary".
Hey, real quick.
Can I "ass" you a few questions?
[GROANS]
[CHUCKLES]
Did you read my short story?
Yeah, loved how short it was.
Oh, do you want to hear the most
annoying sound in the world?
Eeeeeeeeh!
Eeeeeeeeh!
Down, down, down,
the red knight is going down!
Come on, dude,
Medieval-Times-aversary.
Uh, oh, uh, yeah, uh,
down, down, down,
the red knight is going down,
yep, cool.
Yeah! 15 years later,
and we're still equally psyched.
Eeeeeeh!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
EMILY: Josh, Candice is dabbing!
Remember that?
Josh!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
Ugh, Can't get a moment's peace.
Good morrow, kind sir!
W-where's thine armor?
My armor? What?
Why would I need that?
Dude, it's our
Medieval-Times-aversary.
Uh, listen, I can't go today.
A literary agent said that
he'd read "Future Viking 3030,"
and I want to send it to him
by the end of the day.
Come on, man!
We've gone every year
on this day since high school.
I know, but I need
to hand this in.
Besides, I was hoping
you'd read it.
You always give me
really good feedback like,
"I love it.
It's awesome,"
and, "Is there a king of books?
It should be you, my liege!"
I'm not going to read
that giant thing
on our Medieval-Times-aversary,
but I am willing to pregame
by watching a double feature
of this and this.
You know, that movie
doesn't really hold up.
How dare you!
Also, Medieval Times
is not historically accurate.
They serve tomato bisque soup
with focaccia dippers.
It's how knights ate!
Josh, I love "focach", but it's
not from medieval times!
Thine dippers are delicious,
and I shall dip them
by mine self!
Oh, ugh, ugh.
Don't even think
about helping me.
Popcorn button
on the microwave ♪
How does it know
how long it will take ♪
There's so many brands ♪
And there's so many kinds ♪
How does it know to take
just the right time ♪
Old man looking
in a barber shop ♪
What would make you
even stop ♪
You're not bad-looking,
and you're kind of buff ♪
But if you walked in,
what would they even cut ♪
I want to have sex
with Mr. Rogers ♪
Not the one from TV,
a different Mr. Rogers ♪
[CELLPHONE CLICKING]
[SINGLE CLAP]
It's pretty cool these shows
end so early now, huh?
Want to help me trim
Candice's fingernails?
They're so tiny.
Ugh.
What?
We have, like, an extra
30 minutes to hang out.
This isn't just hanging out
to me, Em.
This is serious.
Look at Weird Al judging us.
We need to go to a cabin
in the woods
and write songs like we used to.
I'd love that!
My December opens up a bit
during winter break, or in 2032,
Candice goes off to college.
No, I meant this weekend,
like, now!
Uh, n -- now?
Now!
We're never going to
write anything
while you're here
being a mombie.
I'm not a mombie.
Emily, party in the hills!
You want to go?
[EXHAUSTED]
Did you go poopy in your diapy?
In my defense, you did shit
your pants at the party.
Pfft, and we haven't written
a new song since.
Ugh, our Gotye parody
is still relevant!
What are you doing?
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
[GASPS]
How'd you do that so fast?
I'm 26.
Interested, seriously?
I have a busy weekend.
Ugh!
In honor of your
Medieval-Times-aversary,
mugs of grog for ye and ye mate.
Me mate is not here.
Why not?
What happened?
I should've seen the signs.
We've been drifting apart.
All he cares about
is his book and
In honor of your
Medieval-Times-aversary,
mugs of grog for ye and ye mate.
[GULPING]
Ugh, without Alex here,
this grog just tastes
like horse pee.
He's onto us, Cletus!
Switch to plan B!
[♪♪♪]
Get your brownies,
piping hot and authentic
to the time period!
Ugh.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[♪♪♪]
Oh, hey.
You hungry, boy?
[SNARLING]
Man's best friend,
unlike stupid Alex.
Who Alex?
Aah! Ugh!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Me dog and boy.
Dude, that's awesome!
Dude!
Dude!
Whoa, I cant believe you live
in this van, so cool!
Me try to make it homey.
Me copied Dwell magazine.
Wow. Your owner must be
pretty awesome.
Me owner opposite of awesome.
Me owner not awesome.
She once brilliant scientist,
but she play God,
make human-animal hybrids!
She treated me
like I was special
until she not like
the way me act.
WOMAN: You think
you're so smart, huh?
You think I can't clone
another dog
that knows how
to wear underpants?
Me only joy was watching
Jim Carrey movies.
Me watched "The Mask" 300 times.
"Somebody stop me!"
It probably
why I so well-adjusted.
Years pass.
I tried to improve, but nothing
was good enough for her.
Your performance
is an abomination!
I'll have to bury the project
and bury you!
Me realize it time to go.
Me wants to be free,
free to see the world,
free to make my own choices!
[♪♪♪]
Been on run ever since.
Well, I'm glad you're safe now.
Me never be safe.
Do all dog boys feel this alone?
I think you're the only dog boy.
Oh, all righty then.
[♪♪♪]
Mock ♪
Yeah! ♪
ing ♪
Yeah! ♪
bird! ♪
Yeah! ♪
Yeah! ♪
Yeah! ♪
[BOTH LAUGH]
Ah, you really get me, Dog Boy.
Actually, me name Tory.
Yeah, I like Dog Boy.
How about DB?
Nah, just Dog Boy.
Hmm, okay!
A cabin in the woods is fun ♪
Unless your friend
doesn't show up ♪
And you get killed
by a drifter ♪
You got anything
to rhyme with drifter
Ugh, I can't believe
you brought your daughter.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
Pearl is hanging out
with Candice,
and Josh is hanging out
with some dog, so let's do this!
Yes!
We are going to write
so many songs!
And I am totally going to focus!
[CELLPHONE RINGING]
Mom Emily would answer that.
Musician Emily does not pick up.
[RINGING CONTINUES]
Uh, okay, just this once.
Hi, sweetie!
Yeah, you can watch
a movie with Pearl.
Wait.
Did you say "Training Day"?
Hold up.
You're going in and out.
Ugh.
[GAME PAD BEEPING]
Hey, man. I know our whole
Medieval Times thing
is still really important
to you.
No, it's fine.
I met the coolest guy there,
the coolest.
You went without me?
I did, and it was smoking!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I don't meant to bother you,
but I'm looking for a lost dog.
[GASPS]
Sorry.
We haven't seen him.
Are you sure?
Nope, haven't seen him, uh,
no dogs in the building!
Bye! That her!
She must track van!
Jesus!
What the hell is that?
Dog Boy isn't a that.
He's my new best friend.
It's stereotype that dog
is man's best friend,
but in this case, it true.
Dog Boy got his degree online.
He's basically as smart as you.
University of Phoenix.
Go, browsers!
Hey, boy.
You want to go check out
some Jim Carrey landmarks?
Coast is clear, so this
concludes our broadcast day.
Click.
- How dare you?
Quoting "The Cable Guy"
was our thing.
Come on, Dog Boy.
Let's go do more quotes
in the van.
Fine!
Then I guess I'll uncancel
all my meetings
with LA's top literary agents
who specialize
in viking science fiction
for young adults.
[ENGINE STARTS]
A van with a dog's head?
Some people have no class.
I swear I've seen that van
somewhere, from some cold case.
Mom, you're supposed to be
retired from cop stuff!
Why can't you play mahjong like
the rest of the old ladies?
Cold cases are my mahjong!
Hey, Candice.
You want to catch a criminal?
[GASPS]
Can I be a corrupt cop?
I want to be Denzel!
[LAUGHS]
Go get my computer, Randy!
It's huge!
Just go get it!
You used to let me be Denzel.
To new best friends!
To new friends!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
What the hell!
That thing ate my manuscript?
That's it!
Found your dog.
Meet me at -- Ugh.
Oh, good, you here!
Me love your book.
My book?
But I thought you ripped it up?
Oh, no, me just rip up part
where Alexi die in space battle.
Alexi good character
with much to live for.
Need him for next book.
You think there
could be a sequel?
Sequel?
Me think FutureViking 3030
could be franchise.
Wow, that is a huge compliment.
Oh, no.
Phew, okay.
Me online professor said
me had nose for pros
and other dogs' buttholes.
Ha! You, sir,
are a delight!
Vis-a-vis, uh, sniffing
on those buttholes, uh
Hey, wasn't sure if you were
more into pizza rolls
or dog chow,
so I got both for toni--
What's going on here?
Oh, my friend here just gave me
some really thorough notes
on my book.
It wasn't exactly, "You are
the king of books, dude,"
but I found it insightful.
Oh, so now my feedback
is too dumb for you?
Uh, excuse me, bros.
Dog Boy need to find a hydrant
with his name on it.
What's your deal?
I'm just having a stimulating
rap sesh with a fellow writer.
There's no way that you're
hanging out with Dog Boy.
Dog-boy loves Medieval Times,
and you think
you're better than that!
Oh, I think both me
and Dog Boy --
[DOG BOY BARKING, HOWLING]
BOTH: Dog-boy!
[♪♪♪]
Comic Sans?
I mean, an address?
BRIDGETTE: We've got the sex.
We've got the drugs.
Let's comedy rock 'n' roll!
Yeah, yeah, roll.
What are you doing?
- What?
- Are you checking your phone?
What?!
No!
Okay. I was, but look how cute
Candice is being!
You think Weird Al
checks his phone
during songwriting sessions?
No, he probably has
a parody phone
like a banana or something,
but who cares?
You checked your phone
during your wedding.
And I'm not married anymore!
Come on!
Let's focus!
Fine.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
I just want to post that.
Here, I'll show you a post!
Post up!
Mother --
Time to see who owns
that damn van.
Mm, I got you now,
Meredith Breedmore!
To protect the sheep,
you got to catch the wolf,
and it takes a wolf
to catch a wolf.
Now you say one
of Ethan Hawke's lines.
No one knows his part!
JOSH: So it wasn't enough for
you to ruin one friendship.
You had to super-size it
and make it a combo!
Ah, do you make
any references past 1998?
You're like an old sweater that
I've had in my closet forever,
and I can't throw it away
because I feel bad for it.
Well, you're just like
a fat bearded sweater
that used to be skinnier
and without a beard.
Ugh, your metaphors
are really terrible!
Good because I hate metaphors,
and I definitely know
what those are.
I cannot believe you did that.
I can't believe you haven't
focused on this band
since baby Yoko came along.
Well, then maybe
I'm quitting the band!
Well, you quit the band
a long time ago!
Um, e -- excuse me.
Uh, is this your phone?
It hit me while I was posting
a new song online.
[BOTH GASP]
America's only respected
comedy songwriter
BOTH: Weird Al Yankovic!
Hey, when I'm with my family,
it's just Dad Al Yankovic.
This is insane!
We came to the woods
to write a new comedy song.
Yeah, w -- w -- w --
well, we were supposed to.
I'm focused on it, but Emily
doesn't seem to care.
I do care.
I think you can write songs
and focus on your family.
And I think family
gets in the way!
Who's right, Weird Al?
Oh, oh, okay. First of all,
there are no sides.
There are so many ways
to create a great piece of art.
No matter what I'm writing,
whether it's "Eat It"
or "Amish Paradise,"
I always just try to be
true to myself.
And after that,
I sharpen a narwhal tusk,
puncture the heel
of my left foot
and use the blood to summon
the demon song god
Nishquantasi.
The demon song god?
Yeah!
[BEAR GROWLS]
Is that part of the process?
No, that's a bear.
Aah!
I just wanted a Gotye parody!
Aah!
Oh, my God! That bear is mauling
Weird Al!
Run!
Forsooth, halt!
I think that was English!
[ANIMALS SCREECHING]
What the hell?
Is that possum
wearing sunglasses?
Great! Of course she took Dog Boy
to an impenetrable fortress!
Game over, man, game over!
I'm coming for you, Dog Boy!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?
Aah!
Whah!
BOTH: Aah!
[DOG BOY HOWLS]
Dog Boy?
Dog Boy?
Damn it!
That was a very expensive door!
What are you doing to my friend?
You mean my friend,
probably more mine than his.
Me miss you guys!
But you probably miss
one more than the other.
Am I right, buddy?
Silence!
Dog Boy is my property.
You're interrupting
my life's work.
Okay.
What's your game, Meredith?
Are you trying to
make furries even sexier?
My note -- Add more nips.
What? No!
I'm trying to make this!
[♪♪♪]
What?
Huh?
BOTH: Huh?
[♪♪♪]
You're making animal movies?
Audiences are sick
of CG talking animals.
Practical effects
are back in demand,
and I'm going to make a fortune
off the backs of these hybrids.
She force me
to act in these movies.
That's why I try to escape.
But wait. What about you saying
you wanted to be free
to make your own choices?
Yeah, acting choices.
What about her testing
your performance?
Oh, yeah, me not testing well
among 18-to-34-year-olds.
So you weren't being tortured?
If you had to make sense
of her terrible plots,
you'd feel tortured, too!
Bad dog! I know how to make you
more obedient!
It's time for
a special director's cut.
[GASPS]
You're going to take his --
Yep, in order to make
more dog boys,
I just need what's
in his bean bags,
his danglies, his bing-bongs.
Oh, my God, lady,
just say balls!
Not one step closer, gentleman!
[♪♪♪]
[ALARM BLARING]
That squirrel kind of looks
like Candice.
I really wasn't trying
to compare Candice to Yoko.
She's a great kid.
I'm sorry I wasn't focused
on our music, Bridge.
The truth is, I love the band,
but I couldn't give it
everything you could.
I love you like a sister!
And I love you like
a half-sister!
I just --
I have a sister already,
and I don't throw
that stuff around easily.
[ALARM BLARING]
[GASPS]
They're going away.
We're not going to die!
Is that Josh and Alex!
Did that do anything?
Who cares?
Just run!
Aah!
Oh, geez!
[WHIMPERS]
Whoa!
Aah!
Ah, no, no.
To be or not to be!
Ugh!
[BOTH GRUNT]
BOTH: Huh?
That'll be quite enough, boys.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
You sure this best way
to neuter Dog Boy?
I'm sorry about not going to
Medieval Times with you.
No, I'm sorry.
I was being a dick to you,
but you know what?
We tried to save
Dog Boy together.
Together.
Hey, man, you want to hear
the most annoying
sound in the world?
Ugh, I do, man.
I do.
Eeeeeeh!
Eeeeeh!
[RUMBLING]
Don't stop.
It's working!
BOTH: Eeeeeeeeeeh!
Eeeeeh!
Guys! Guys!
Ugh!
Best friends!
BOTH: He's okay!
You two good team.
We're just happy you're okay,
Dog Boy!
Meredith Breedmore, your day
of reckoning has come!
No, I'm doing the world
a service, better animal
acting, better -- Ugh!
I knew I seen that van before
because nothing gets past me,
and now we finally got you
for these six unpaid
parking tickets.
What about my animals?
What animals?
Take her away, boys.
Wait! Wait!
Wait!
Aah! Aah! Oh!
Fly higher!
BOTH: Bridgette?
Emily?
We saw everything.
I think we might have
an idea for a song.
BRIDGETTE: This is a new song
that we just wrote.
It goes out
to our new friend, Dog Boy.
Is he a dog ♪
Is he a boy ♪
He may be two things ♪
But he's full of joy ♪
He taught us love ♪
And how to give ♪
Shout-out to Weird Al ♪
Who got killed by a bear ♪
Oh, come on!
He brought us together ♪
Despite ourselves ♪
We'll go on ♪
What are friends ♪
Don't you hurt Dog Boy ♪
Hurt Dog Boy no more ♪
Take it, Dog Boy!
Ro, ro, ro,
ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ♪
Ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, roo ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL: Bye, Dog Boy!
All righty then.
All righty then!
Let me tell you something!
Are they okay, Mommy?
Yeah, sometimes old friends
say stuff no one else gets.
But they're really weird, right?
So weird.
Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
Ooh ♪
[♪♪♪]
Won't you come see about me ♪
I'll be alone dancing ♪
You know it, baby ♪
Tell me
your troubles and doubts ♪
Giving me everything
inside and out and ♪
Love is strange,
so real in the dark ♪
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH GRUNTING]