Code Monkeys (2007) s01e08 Episode Script
IPO
1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
[Video game music plays]
- OK, dude, when she walks in,
you know what to say, right?
- Come on, Dave.
Let's just go back to work.
- Dude,
do not be a dick cheese.
Please, help me
have sex on this girl.
- Wow, Dave, you sure have
a mighty thrust.
- Yes, I do, but you also
have to be gentle, Jerry.
- Wow!
And a soda.
You really are quite
the provider, Dave.
- Oh, hey, Wendy,
I didn't even see you there.
Hey, did you catch me
humpin' the soda machine
in a loving,
but forceful way?
- Yeah, that was kinda creepy.
- Do you like creepy?
- Sure. Uh, I have to go, and
you're sorta blocking the door.
- Well, how 'bout this?
I'll let you leave if you
agree to go out with me.
- OK.
- Whoa, I'm sorry.
Did you say yes?
- Yeah. Why not?
- That's awesome!
You're not as stupid
as I thought you were. Oh!
- What the hell did you just
say, you little soda humper?
- Sorry. I meant smart,
you're smart.
- Yo, what's up, jerk weeds?
You're late for the meeting.
Get over here!
- Hey, so what time did we say?
[Video game music playing]
- Thanks, Dean.
In "Knights vs. Aliens,"
you control your knight
and fend off
the invading aliens.
- I would like to point out
that at no point
in medieval history did
aliens invade Europe,
unless, of course--uh, heh!--
you count the Moors.
- Todd, you know it's just
a video game, right?
- It's a historically inaccurate
video game, dude.
- So is Pac-Man.
- Yeah, uh, Pac-Man
wasn't a real person.
- Yeah, he was.
He was the President right after
Lincoln. Look it up.
- Anyway, I think this is
gonna be a bona fide hit,
and I've even got
a sweet tag line--
"Knights vs. Aliens:
This Summer,
Resistance Is Futile."
Huh? Anyone?
- I don't get it.
- See, it's a reference to--
- Sit down, Jerry.
Now, as you all know,
tomorrow is the day
of GameAVision's IPO. Heh!
I know y'all have questions
about what it means for ya,
so I'd like to introduce
to you Matthew Milkman,
my personal investment advisor.
His brokerage,
Devil Burnman Lambheart,
is underwritin' the whole thing.
Matthew?
- An IPO is an initial public
offering of stock in a company.
That means, as of tomorrow,
GameAVision will have
shareholders.
These shareholders include
yourselves.
As employees of the company,
you're each entitled
to a Class-B stock,
which must be vested
for 6 months before--
[Record scratches]
- Hey, I've got a package
for a Clarence.
- How dare you
interrupt me, Tim!
- Huh? [Grunts]
- Holy [bleep]!
- Oh, boy ♪
- Any questions?
Then I must away,
away to a brokerage house.
Larrity, I will see you later
at the country club
and still later in hell.
- Whoo!
He's the best, isn't he? He can
hit it a mile off the tee box,
but he putts like a queer
with two limp wrists. Hah!
Anyway, enjoy your stock.
I'm sure it'll be worth
the voluntary 25% pay cut.
Thank you.
[All shout at once]
[Videogame music playing]
- I don't know why he thinks
he can get away with this.
- Because he's
a rich capitalist,
and this is the way
our society works, maybe?
- Downer.
Well, you may all take this
in stride, but I am
going to write
a very stern letter and--
- And what, fattie?
- And, if you would
let me finish,
file it away
until the appropriate moment
comes to present it.
- I can't take any more
of Larrity's baloney!
- Whoa, watch your mouth, dude!
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Allow me. Maybe it'll all
turn out for the best.
- How? We just lost 25%
of our paychecks.
I don't know, Dave. Sometimes I
think that this is it for us.
I mean, this is not how I
imagined my future.
How did you imagine your future?
- Mmm
Thank you, Jasper.
- Will you be needing
my services anymore
this evening, sir?
- No. Take the night off.
- Thank you, sir.
- Min Mao, oh, Min Mao,
I'm home.
- Dave, I've been waiting
all day for you.
The Jacuzzi's ready,
and I practiced
holding my breath
for 4 minutes. Heh!
- Well, that's 3 minutes
too long, kitten. Heh heh heh!
Scoot-Scoot.
- Yes, Master?
- Form of bong.
- Of course!
- Play with your stuff now?
- Yes.
Yes, you may.
- Dude! Dude!
- Huh? What? What?
- Dude, you're kind of touching
yourself, uh, a lot.
- Oh, sorry. Anyway,
my future is gonna be awesome
and so is yours, dude.
Someday we're gonna make
a bunch of money
and make all our dreams
come true.
- Dave, you say that,
but how's that gonna happen
if we're gonna be working here
our whole lives?
I mean, this is
the eighties, Dave.
People don't just make fortunes
for no good reason.
[Chime]
[Cash register bell dings]
- Well, people, let this
be a lesson to you.
What can I say to console you
but, "Back to work"? Hyah!
- What up,
fellow jamillionaires?
- Uh, sorry,
Black Steve.
You must have missed the part
where I told everybody
to get back to work.
- Work?
Are you crazy?
Only thing I'm gonna be
workin' on from now on
is my new album.
That little IPO made me
mother-[bleep] rich.
- How? We can't sell
the stock for 6 months.
- But you know you can
borrow against it, bitch.
Cash money.
You can go live your dreams.
- My dream is to have
anonymous sex ♪
With different men
every single night ♪
- What's up, babe?
- Yes, whoo-hoo ♪
- The point is that none of
y'all have to work here anymore.
- Yeah, you're wrong,
Black Steve.
Mr. Larrity is crazy.
He beat me bare-handed!
- What you doin'
out your room, Benny?
You got 200 more games to test,
and if that ain't done
by sundown, you're a-gonna
taste my belt.
Go on!
- All right, fine.
You don't want to ball large,
that's your business.
Just look out
for my new rap group,
Black Steve &
the Black Attack Squadron:
Honky Killer International,
with special guest
Blackie Blackerson.
- What's up, what's up?
- Peace.
- Heh heh! Now, now,
now listen, everybody,
I know millions in cash
must sound appealin',
but borrowin' against stock
is a tricky lady.
- You were saying,
Mr. Larrity?
[Video game music playing]
- Hey, yo, I'm sayin' listen up.
We're Black Steve
& The Black Attack Squadron:
Honky Killer International,
with special guest
Blackie Blackerson.
- What's up?
- And this track is called
"White Bitches Is Free."
[Rap music playing]
White bitches is free,
white bitches is free ♪
Ugly little brats,
I hope you like these caps ♪
Blaow!
How you like us now? ♪
Black Steve
& the Black Attack Squadron ♪
Now suck it,
now roll over ♪
So I, I can [bleep] it ♪
Don't look at me,
don't look at me ♪
'Cause all you
white bitches is free ♪
[Crickets chirp]
[Crowd cheering and whistling]
[Music continues]
- Look, my little friend.
The elves are here
to welcome us.
- All hail King Todd,
ruler of Toddonia.
- It's good to be the king.
- Come, my minions.
Let us grab a snack.
And after lunch,
Mother shall arrive,
and we shall execute her
for crimes against
the king's mind,
for I am
no longer dependent
on her evil
Social Security checks.
- Clare, you said
Duran Duran was playing,
and this is an S&M club.
- I know.
I own it.
- Owning an S&M dungeon?
That's your lifelong dream?
- Surprise, Mary.
You have a problem with that?
Tell me I'm pretty, Mary!
Tell me I'm pretty!
- Uh, Clare?
- Ah! Ah!
Take that, Dad--
I mean, Mary.
- Ow! Bitch!
- What are you doing, dude?
- I'm just doing my job.
- Weren't you listening?
We don't need this job anymore.
We're multimillionaires.
But while you're typing,
could you whip me up
a little note? "Dear Karen,
I confess. The crap in your bed
was from me, not your dog."
- Dave, we're only
millionaires on paper.
- Yeah, paper. That's what
money's printed on, dude.
The money we can get from
borrowing against our stock.
Jerry, you are my best friend
and I'm worried about you, dude.
I know it's hard to believe
that we might not have to spend
our days trying to come up
with stupid game titles
to please dumb-ass Larrity.
- Hey! I heard that.
- That doesn't make it
any less true.
- Dad, this gold is heavy, bro.
- Quit your whinin', sissy!
It's buryin' time.
- Now, I know this IPO deal is
gonna make Larrity
a billionaire,
but it's made us millionaires,
and that means we can do
what we feel like.
Isn't there anything you feel
like doin', buddy?
- Yeah, there's one thing--
having you stop sitting
on my keyboard so I can
get back to work.
- Not good enough.
Come with me.
[Video game music plays]
- Get $20 out of your wallet.
- Dave, I am not
buying you a lap dance.
- I have millions of dollars'
worth of GameAVision stock.
Why would I need you
to buy me a lap dance?
You're buying a lap dance for
the little man inside of you.
- This is insane.
I'm leaving.
- And, Jerry, with the money
you made from the IPO,
you could buy 5 lap dances a day
for the rest of your life
and still have enough leftover
for more lap dances.
I've done the math.
So, Jerry, meet Misty.
- That's my real name.
I'm paying my way
through medical school,
I'm bisexual,
and I have Daddy issues.
[Giggles seductively]
- Dude, give her $20 and have
yourself a lap dance, dude.
- What the hell, freak show?
- Can'tloosengrip.
- It's time to let go, man!
Let go!
[Sultry music playing]
- Hallelujah ♪
- I understand!
Finally, now I understand!
[Weakly]
Thank you.
- My pleasure, Jerry. Now I'm
gonna go talk to the deejay,
and I hope you like
Whitesnake.
- All the world's rarest
and greatest treasures,
mine at last.
With a stash like this,
history won't even remember
my petty little war crimes.
- Dude, are you sure
those Siberian tiger cubs
are gonna be cool down there?
- Why wouldn't they be?
I fed 'em 3 weeks ago,
didn't I?
Now, when we're done securin'
this little nest egg,
we got to get back
to doin' e'rything
we can do to boost
this stock price.
- But we're already
multibillionaires.
- 'Scuse me.
- Now, who in
the tarnation are you?
- What's up? Maybe he's
a hot chick disguised as a dude.
- [Sighs] What?
- I'm Neil Horowitz,
from International Capital
Brokerage Management.
I'm here to review
your company's operations
so we can make
a recommendation on its stock.
- Uh-oh.
[Chime]
- As you can see,
even with the recent rise,
uh, GameAVision is still
an undervalued--
uh, oh, uh, hey,
'scu-'scuse me a minute.
Dean, where the hell
is e'rybody?
- How should I know?
- Because you're the supervisor!
- I am? Awesome!
I'm the supervisor!
- Hey, what you writin'
over there, Slim?
- Nothin', just--
is "half a retard" hyphenated?
- Oh, heh heh heh!
Dean, this guy could bury us.
Maybe we should bury him,
if you catch my drift.
- Uh
- You don't get it, do you?
I mean murder him
and then bury his body.
- Oh.
- 'Scuse me.
I'd love to meet the chief
programmers, if that's possible.
- Ooh, of course, of course.
Ha ha! Great idea.
If anybody's gonna be here,
it's gonna be them.
- I'm here to meet Todd.
- What the hell?
Where's Dave and Jerry?
- What's your name?
- Heh heh! Venus de Milo.
- Oh. Is that
your real name?
- Of course. Also
[Whispers] I am a virgin.
- Here.
- My work is done here.
I'm off to rock and rap.
- All right, so where's these
superstar programmers of yours?
- Now--now that's
a good question, sonny.
Uh, now, I got the answer
right here in my waistband.
- I'm the programmer!
- What?
- What?
- I've got this under control,
Dad. Don't worry.
Yup, that's right.
I'm not just a pretty face
and a pair of rock-hard pecs.
I'm also the brains behind
the entire operation.
That's Dean with an "n."
- Well, maybe you could
give me a sneak peek
of your latest, greatest game
in development?
- Now, that information is
highly confidential.
- OK, I was just asking
so I could advise our investors
as to whether they should keep
pouring their money into making
you guys extremely rich.
- Of course they should!
Show him the damn game, boy!
- Got it.
Computer, turn on.
Computer, become not off.
- Maybe I can help.
Now can you show me the game?
- Well, as you can see,
it's gonna be completely rad.
- [Sighs] How 'bout you just
tell me about the game?
- Uh, sure. It's called, uh,
"Super Mega Bro Bro."
- "Super Mega Bro Bro"?
- It's about this guy
from a frat house
who gets power from drinkin'
brews and bangin' chicks,
and his name's Dean,
and he bangs tons of chicks.
And then, one day,
this skank calls the cops,
but, uh, it's cool
'cause his bros are cool,
and then his dad gives
a D.A. some cash.
Yeah, so then they throw
a kegger to celebrate,
and so, dude, what's up?
Another kegger, of course.
- Well, thanks for the tour.
It's been extremely
illuminating.
- You sure I can't bribe you
or threaten your life
or the life of
your family and friends?
- No, no, thanks.
We'll be in touch.
- Well, anything you need,
let me know. Heh!
Oh! You look like
a drinkin' man,
and that liver can't last
forever, now, can it?
Now, what the hell are you
writin' down now?
- Grocery list.
- Oh.
You got any more bright ideas,
brains for turds?
- Naw, bro.
Do what you have to do, Dad.
- This gonna hurt you more
than it hurts me--
[Cub growls]
Oh, a tiger!
- Wow, that looks
like it hurts, bro.
[Cub growling]
[Raspberry]
- Well, my beautiful
little friends,
I can no longer afford
to pay for your friendship.
- It was good
while it lasted.
Do you want to settle now,
or should we just bill you?
- Bill me.
Blinkin,
I'll always remember
your squat, deformed face
looking up at me,
smiling, with joy.
And Winkin, I'll hear
the pitter-patter of
your short, stubby, disgusting
toes running through my mind.
- My name is Mark.
- Although I can no longer pay
for your friendship,
I'm sure you would like to stay,
knowing that the camaraderie
we've shared up to this point
is more than enough.
- Yeah, no.
- [Grunts]
Will I ever roll
a good charisma?
- Well, it would have been
a nice nightclub,
but maybe it'll make an even
better parking structure.
- I suppose so.
- And is there anything else
you need to take with you
before we bulldoze the place?
- [Muffled screaming]
- I don't think so.
- Dave, now that you signed
with my label, I'm gonna
make you the most famous rapper
since Beastie Boys.
[Music playing]
- Down your chimney
Black Steve creep ♪
Pound your daughter,
jack your Jeep ♪
It's a special time o'year ♪
Time for snow, time for beer ♪
Merry Christmas,
mother [bleep] ♪
- That [bleep] is live.
- Hear to me now.
You know what, Black Steve?
Only problem is we might need
a little more money
to finish the album.
- Money?
How much money?
[Video game music playing]
- Man, that stock was a bust ♪
I even had to sell
my Tom Selleck bust ♪
- You cannot rhyme a word
with the same word.
- Do whatever I want to
because I'm gay ♪
- I stand corrected.
- You tricked us, old man.
- Tricked you?
You all tricked me,
leavin' your jobs
without sayin' nothin'!
I lost e'rything!
- Yo, Dad,
what about all the stock we sold
on day one and used to buy
the priceless treasures
and jewels that we buried--
- Shut your damn mouth, Dean!
The point is--heh!--
I didn't come out of this thing
smellin' like roses, either.
Heh! I lost a bunch of money.
- And your immortal soul.
- Yes, Matt, I do remember that.
- Good.
Then back to hell.
Back to hell forever.
- What about you, Dave?
- You must have borrowed
against the stock, too, and
bought somethin' idiotic like
the rest of these jackasses.
- Actually, I--I
shorted the stock.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, I thought to myself,
"What should I do?"
and the answer was borrow and
then invest all my money
in porn and porn-related items.
So then I did the opposite
of what I wanted to do
for once in my life,
and here I am.
- Well, Dave, I'm proud of you.
Welcome to
the Millionaires Club, son.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations, Dave.
You really did it.
- You did it.
- I suppose I shouldn't
expect you and Jerry
to come back to work.
Well, it looks like he
checked out already, in fact.
- Where is
that nerdbag, anyway?
- Right. I left him
at his house.
Crap!
Aw, man.
Oh, double crap.
[Doorbell rings]
Oh, no. This place looks
like a Mexican pawnshop.
- Hey, cutie.
- Jerry, buddy, look at me.
- Hey, hands off my fix, man!
- It's me, Jerry, Dave.
You got to stop now, man.
- Why would I stop?
It's two-for-one
till 5 p.m.!
Plus free brunch!
Free brunch, Dave!
Whoo!
- You're not at a strip club.
- Brunch tastes pretty good
after you've puked
a couple times.
Plus, all these girls
like me for me,
not just my money.
- Right,
and I've never got
a venereal disease.
Look at yourself, Jerry.
You smell, got stains
on your sweatpants, and have
a big scar on your side.
- Here you go, Misty.
Same deal as always.
Chow Yun Fat!
- Who were those dudes?
- Um, they weren't
Chinese liver thieves.
- Dave, I'm in love!
- With who?
- With who? With all of them!
With Keisha, with Star,
Fountain, Dazzle, Raven,
Coochie, and Whorina.
- Did someone say my name?
Who wants a lap dance?
- Not now, Whorina.
Daddy's talkin'.
Snap out of it, buddy.
GameAVision stock crashed.
We got to get outta here.
-GameAVision stock?
- Oh, my God!
What have I done?
- Come on, dude.
It's time to go back to work.
And, Jerry, in a sick way,
I'm really proud of what
you've done here,
especially what you've done
to the whores.
Just don't try to--aw!--
stand up too fast.
- Dave, I can't feel
my crotch.
- Just as I thought.
Good God, man.
You have lap-dance crotch.
[Chime]
- So how much did you
end up in the hole?
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Jerry, I'm your friend.
- I don't want to talk about it!
[Dog barks]
- Be quiet, Drysdale.
Six zeros or seven zeros?
What are we talking about here?
- Dave!
- Mmm, just think,
all that money gone
in a poof
of banana-scented perfume.
- Dave! I said I don't
want to talk about it!
I have it all under control!
Now, if you don't mind,
I have other jobs
that I've got to get to!
- Jobs?
[Video game music playing]
- Come on, Jerry.
These sausages ain't gonna
deep-fry themselves,
and neither is this.
- Oh, great.
- This place blows.
- [Grunts, spits]
Oh!
[Snoring]
- Yo, you better not have jacked
all my suspensions.
[Chime]
[Doorbell rings]
- Jasper, you want to get that?
- OK, I'm ready to talk
about it now.
- Your banana daiquiri, sir.
- Thank you, Jasper.
- Scoot-Scoot!
Form of frother!
Now, what did you want
to talk to me about?
- Uh, oh, I can't.
- Can't what?
- I came here today
to ask you for money,
but you're using your money
to live your dream.
I can't take that away from you.
I'm sorry. I'll just go.
- Ah, there goes my best friend
in the world.
Oh, well. Time to make
smoothies. Scoot-Scoot!
- Sir, if I may be so bold,
Jerry has been a very good
friend to you these many years.
- I know.
- Remember when he legally
adopted you to stop the INS
from deporting you?
- Or the time he convinced
Larrity that you were sick,
when you were really on
a 3-day acid trip?
- Or when you were broke
and he bought you porn?
- You guys are absolutely right,
and I don't even know
how you know all this stuff
about me and Jerry.
- I can read dreams.
- I've got to do somethin',
even if it means
givin' all of you up.
- A little stick hockey
first? Heh heh!
- Hell, yes!
- Dude, I cannot
thank you enough.
- Don't worry about it.
Why would I want a talking
gorilla butler,
or a hot, willing
anime chick,
or the world's most versatile
robot when I could spend
the rest of my days programming
video games with you?
That's what I really want
out of life.
- Dave, are you being sarcastic?
- No.
- Well, what about now?
- No. Yes.
[Video game music plays]
[Thunder]
[R&B music playing]
- And she loves you ♪
And she loves you ♪
- [Rapping]
Bitch, I love you ♪
Stars above you ♪
Shine like wine,
girl, you be fine ♪
Now it's time to suck
my [bleep] ♪
You better not spit
out our love ♪
- What the [bleep]
are you doing, Dave?
It's 3:00 in the morning.
- We never shored up
the time of our date.
- I am calling the cops!
- Don't call the cops!
- You are so creepy, Dave!
- Can you see he
loves you, bitch?
- I love you, bitch,
I love you, bitch ♪
- White girls are free ♪
You and he and a baby
makes 3 ♪
- Baby makes 3 ♪
- The hot dog's in the bun,
you best not run ♪
[Video game music plays,
elephant trumpets]
- I can't feel my crotch!
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
[Video game music plays]
- OK, dude, when she walks in,
you know what to say, right?
- Come on, Dave.
Let's just go back to work.
- Dude,
do not be a dick cheese.
Please, help me
have sex on this girl.
- Wow, Dave, you sure have
a mighty thrust.
- Yes, I do, but you also
have to be gentle, Jerry.
- Wow!
And a soda.
You really are quite
the provider, Dave.
- Oh, hey, Wendy,
I didn't even see you there.
Hey, did you catch me
humpin' the soda machine
in a loving,
but forceful way?
- Yeah, that was kinda creepy.
- Do you like creepy?
- Sure. Uh, I have to go, and
you're sorta blocking the door.
- Well, how 'bout this?
I'll let you leave if you
agree to go out with me.
- OK.
- Whoa, I'm sorry.
Did you say yes?
- Yeah. Why not?
- That's awesome!
You're not as stupid
as I thought you were. Oh!
- What the hell did you just
say, you little soda humper?
- Sorry. I meant smart,
you're smart.
- Yo, what's up, jerk weeds?
You're late for the meeting.
Get over here!
- Hey, so what time did we say?
[Video game music playing]
- Thanks, Dean.
In "Knights vs. Aliens,"
you control your knight
and fend off
the invading aliens.
- I would like to point out
that at no point
in medieval history did
aliens invade Europe,
unless, of course--uh, heh!--
you count the Moors.
- Todd, you know it's just
a video game, right?
- It's a historically inaccurate
video game, dude.
- So is Pac-Man.
- Yeah, uh, Pac-Man
wasn't a real person.
- Yeah, he was.
He was the President right after
Lincoln. Look it up.
- Anyway, I think this is
gonna be a bona fide hit,
and I've even got
a sweet tag line--
"Knights vs. Aliens:
This Summer,
Resistance Is Futile."
Huh? Anyone?
- I don't get it.
- See, it's a reference to--
- Sit down, Jerry.
Now, as you all know,
tomorrow is the day
of GameAVision's IPO. Heh!
I know y'all have questions
about what it means for ya,
so I'd like to introduce
to you Matthew Milkman,
my personal investment advisor.
His brokerage,
Devil Burnman Lambheart,
is underwritin' the whole thing.
Matthew?
- An IPO is an initial public
offering of stock in a company.
That means, as of tomorrow,
GameAVision will have
shareholders.
These shareholders include
yourselves.
As employees of the company,
you're each entitled
to a Class-B stock,
which must be vested
for 6 months before--
[Record scratches]
- Hey, I've got a package
for a Clarence.
- How dare you
interrupt me, Tim!
- Huh? [Grunts]
- Holy [bleep]!
- Oh, boy ♪
- Any questions?
Then I must away,
away to a brokerage house.
Larrity, I will see you later
at the country club
and still later in hell.
- Whoo!
He's the best, isn't he? He can
hit it a mile off the tee box,
but he putts like a queer
with two limp wrists. Hah!
Anyway, enjoy your stock.
I'm sure it'll be worth
the voluntary 25% pay cut.
Thank you.
[All shout at once]
[Videogame music playing]
- I don't know why he thinks
he can get away with this.
- Because he's
a rich capitalist,
and this is the way
our society works, maybe?
- Downer.
Well, you may all take this
in stride, but I am
going to write
a very stern letter and--
- And what, fattie?
- And, if you would
let me finish,
file it away
until the appropriate moment
comes to present it.
- I can't take any more
of Larrity's baloney!
- Whoa, watch your mouth, dude!
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Allow me. Maybe it'll all
turn out for the best.
- How? We just lost 25%
of our paychecks.
I don't know, Dave. Sometimes I
think that this is it for us.
I mean, this is not how I
imagined my future.
How did you imagine your future?
- Mmm
Thank you, Jasper.
- Will you be needing
my services anymore
this evening, sir?
- No. Take the night off.
- Thank you, sir.
- Min Mao, oh, Min Mao,
I'm home.
- Dave, I've been waiting
all day for you.
The Jacuzzi's ready,
and I practiced
holding my breath
for 4 minutes. Heh!
- Well, that's 3 minutes
too long, kitten. Heh heh heh!
Scoot-Scoot.
- Yes, Master?
- Form of bong.
- Of course!
- Play with your stuff now?
- Yes.
Yes, you may.
- Dude! Dude!
- Huh? What? What?
- Dude, you're kind of touching
yourself, uh, a lot.
- Oh, sorry. Anyway,
my future is gonna be awesome
and so is yours, dude.
Someday we're gonna make
a bunch of money
and make all our dreams
come true.
- Dave, you say that,
but how's that gonna happen
if we're gonna be working here
our whole lives?
I mean, this is
the eighties, Dave.
People don't just make fortunes
for no good reason.
[Chime]
[Cash register bell dings]
- Well, people, let this
be a lesson to you.
What can I say to console you
but, "Back to work"? Hyah!
- What up,
fellow jamillionaires?
- Uh, sorry,
Black Steve.
You must have missed the part
where I told everybody
to get back to work.
- Work?
Are you crazy?
Only thing I'm gonna be
workin' on from now on
is my new album.
That little IPO made me
mother-[bleep] rich.
- How? We can't sell
the stock for 6 months.
- But you know you can
borrow against it, bitch.
Cash money.
You can go live your dreams.
- My dream is to have
anonymous sex ♪
With different men
every single night ♪
- What's up, babe?
- Yes, whoo-hoo ♪
- The point is that none of
y'all have to work here anymore.
- Yeah, you're wrong,
Black Steve.
Mr. Larrity is crazy.
He beat me bare-handed!
- What you doin'
out your room, Benny?
You got 200 more games to test,
and if that ain't done
by sundown, you're a-gonna
taste my belt.
Go on!
- All right, fine.
You don't want to ball large,
that's your business.
Just look out
for my new rap group,
Black Steve &
the Black Attack Squadron:
Honky Killer International,
with special guest
Blackie Blackerson.
- What's up, what's up?
- Peace.
- Heh heh! Now, now,
now listen, everybody,
I know millions in cash
must sound appealin',
but borrowin' against stock
is a tricky lady.
- You were saying,
Mr. Larrity?
[Video game music playing]
- Hey, yo, I'm sayin' listen up.
We're Black Steve
& The Black Attack Squadron:
Honky Killer International,
with special guest
Blackie Blackerson.
- What's up?
- And this track is called
"White Bitches Is Free."
[Rap music playing]
White bitches is free,
white bitches is free ♪
Ugly little brats,
I hope you like these caps ♪
Blaow!
How you like us now? ♪
Black Steve
& the Black Attack Squadron ♪
Now suck it,
now roll over ♪
So I, I can [bleep] it ♪
Don't look at me,
don't look at me ♪
'Cause all you
white bitches is free ♪
[Crickets chirp]
[Crowd cheering and whistling]
[Music continues]
- Look, my little friend.
The elves are here
to welcome us.
- All hail King Todd,
ruler of Toddonia.
- It's good to be the king.
- Come, my minions.
Let us grab a snack.
And after lunch,
Mother shall arrive,
and we shall execute her
for crimes against
the king's mind,
for I am
no longer dependent
on her evil
Social Security checks.
- Clare, you said
Duran Duran was playing,
and this is an S&M club.
- I know.
I own it.
- Owning an S&M dungeon?
That's your lifelong dream?
- Surprise, Mary.
You have a problem with that?
Tell me I'm pretty, Mary!
Tell me I'm pretty!
- Uh, Clare?
- Ah! Ah!
Take that, Dad--
I mean, Mary.
- Ow! Bitch!
- What are you doing, dude?
- I'm just doing my job.
- Weren't you listening?
We don't need this job anymore.
We're multimillionaires.
But while you're typing,
could you whip me up
a little note? "Dear Karen,
I confess. The crap in your bed
was from me, not your dog."
- Dave, we're only
millionaires on paper.
- Yeah, paper. That's what
money's printed on, dude.
The money we can get from
borrowing against our stock.
Jerry, you are my best friend
and I'm worried about you, dude.
I know it's hard to believe
that we might not have to spend
our days trying to come up
with stupid game titles
to please dumb-ass Larrity.
- Hey! I heard that.
- That doesn't make it
any less true.
- Dad, this gold is heavy, bro.
- Quit your whinin', sissy!
It's buryin' time.
- Now, I know this IPO deal is
gonna make Larrity
a billionaire,
but it's made us millionaires,
and that means we can do
what we feel like.
Isn't there anything you feel
like doin', buddy?
- Yeah, there's one thing--
having you stop sitting
on my keyboard so I can
get back to work.
- Not good enough.
Come with me.
[Video game music plays]
- Get $20 out of your wallet.
- Dave, I am not
buying you a lap dance.
- I have millions of dollars'
worth of GameAVision stock.
Why would I need you
to buy me a lap dance?
You're buying a lap dance for
the little man inside of you.
- This is insane.
I'm leaving.
- And, Jerry, with the money
you made from the IPO,
you could buy 5 lap dances a day
for the rest of your life
and still have enough leftover
for more lap dances.
I've done the math.
So, Jerry, meet Misty.
- That's my real name.
I'm paying my way
through medical school,
I'm bisexual,
and I have Daddy issues.
[Giggles seductively]
- Dude, give her $20 and have
yourself a lap dance, dude.
- What the hell, freak show?
- Can'tloosengrip.
- It's time to let go, man!
Let go!
[Sultry music playing]
- Hallelujah ♪
- I understand!
Finally, now I understand!
[Weakly]
Thank you.
- My pleasure, Jerry. Now I'm
gonna go talk to the deejay,
and I hope you like
Whitesnake.
- All the world's rarest
and greatest treasures,
mine at last.
With a stash like this,
history won't even remember
my petty little war crimes.
- Dude, are you sure
those Siberian tiger cubs
are gonna be cool down there?
- Why wouldn't they be?
I fed 'em 3 weeks ago,
didn't I?
Now, when we're done securin'
this little nest egg,
we got to get back
to doin' e'rything
we can do to boost
this stock price.
- But we're already
multibillionaires.
- 'Scuse me.
- Now, who in
the tarnation are you?
- What's up? Maybe he's
a hot chick disguised as a dude.
- [Sighs] What?
- I'm Neil Horowitz,
from International Capital
Brokerage Management.
I'm here to review
your company's operations
so we can make
a recommendation on its stock.
- Uh-oh.
[Chime]
- As you can see,
even with the recent rise,
uh, GameAVision is still
an undervalued--
uh, oh, uh, hey,
'scu-'scuse me a minute.
Dean, where the hell
is e'rybody?
- How should I know?
- Because you're the supervisor!
- I am? Awesome!
I'm the supervisor!
- Hey, what you writin'
over there, Slim?
- Nothin', just--
is "half a retard" hyphenated?
- Oh, heh heh heh!
Dean, this guy could bury us.
Maybe we should bury him,
if you catch my drift.
- Uh
- You don't get it, do you?
I mean murder him
and then bury his body.
- Oh.
- 'Scuse me.
I'd love to meet the chief
programmers, if that's possible.
- Ooh, of course, of course.
Ha ha! Great idea.
If anybody's gonna be here,
it's gonna be them.
- I'm here to meet Todd.
- What the hell?
Where's Dave and Jerry?
- What's your name?
- Heh heh! Venus de Milo.
- Oh. Is that
your real name?
- Of course. Also
[Whispers] I am a virgin.
- Here.
- My work is done here.
I'm off to rock and rap.
- All right, so where's these
superstar programmers of yours?
- Now--now that's
a good question, sonny.
Uh, now, I got the answer
right here in my waistband.
- I'm the programmer!
- What?
- What?
- I've got this under control,
Dad. Don't worry.
Yup, that's right.
I'm not just a pretty face
and a pair of rock-hard pecs.
I'm also the brains behind
the entire operation.
That's Dean with an "n."
- Well, maybe you could
give me a sneak peek
of your latest, greatest game
in development?
- Now, that information is
highly confidential.
- OK, I was just asking
so I could advise our investors
as to whether they should keep
pouring their money into making
you guys extremely rich.
- Of course they should!
Show him the damn game, boy!
- Got it.
Computer, turn on.
Computer, become not off.
- Maybe I can help.
Now can you show me the game?
- Well, as you can see,
it's gonna be completely rad.
- [Sighs] How 'bout you just
tell me about the game?
- Uh, sure. It's called, uh,
"Super Mega Bro Bro."
- "Super Mega Bro Bro"?
- It's about this guy
from a frat house
who gets power from drinkin'
brews and bangin' chicks,
and his name's Dean,
and he bangs tons of chicks.
And then, one day,
this skank calls the cops,
but, uh, it's cool
'cause his bros are cool,
and then his dad gives
a D.A. some cash.
Yeah, so then they throw
a kegger to celebrate,
and so, dude, what's up?
Another kegger, of course.
- Well, thanks for the tour.
It's been extremely
illuminating.
- You sure I can't bribe you
or threaten your life
or the life of
your family and friends?
- No, no, thanks.
We'll be in touch.
- Well, anything you need,
let me know. Heh!
Oh! You look like
a drinkin' man,
and that liver can't last
forever, now, can it?
Now, what the hell are you
writin' down now?
- Grocery list.
- Oh.
You got any more bright ideas,
brains for turds?
- Naw, bro.
Do what you have to do, Dad.
- This gonna hurt you more
than it hurts me--
[Cub growls]
Oh, a tiger!
- Wow, that looks
like it hurts, bro.
[Cub growling]
[Raspberry]
- Well, my beautiful
little friends,
I can no longer afford
to pay for your friendship.
- It was good
while it lasted.
Do you want to settle now,
or should we just bill you?
- Bill me.
Blinkin,
I'll always remember
your squat, deformed face
looking up at me,
smiling, with joy.
And Winkin, I'll hear
the pitter-patter of
your short, stubby, disgusting
toes running through my mind.
- My name is Mark.
- Although I can no longer pay
for your friendship,
I'm sure you would like to stay,
knowing that the camaraderie
we've shared up to this point
is more than enough.
- Yeah, no.
- [Grunts]
Will I ever roll
a good charisma?
- Well, it would have been
a nice nightclub,
but maybe it'll make an even
better parking structure.
- I suppose so.
- And is there anything else
you need to take with you
before we bulldoze the place?
- [Muffled screaming]
- I don't think so.
- Dave, now that you signed
with my label, I'm gonna
make you the most famous rapper
since Beastie Boys.
[Music playing]
- Down your chimney
Black Steve creep ♪
Pound your daughter,
jack your Jeep ♪
It's a special time o'year ♪
Time for snow, time for beer ♪
Merry Christmas,
mother [bleep] ♪
- That [bleep] is live.
- Hear to me now.
You know what, Black Steve?
Only problem is we might need
a little more money
to finish the album.
- Money?
How much money?
[Video game music playing]
- Man, that stock was a bust ♪
I even had to sell
my Tom Selleck bust ♪
- You cannot rhyme a word
with the same word.
- Do whatever I want to
because I'm gay ♪
- I stand corrected.
- You tricked us, old man.
- Tricked you?
You all tricked me,
leavin' your jobs
without sayin' nothin'!
I lost e'rything!
- Yo, Dad,
what about all the stock we sold
on day one and used to buy
the priceless treasures
and jewels that we buried--
- Shut your damn mouth, Dean!
The point is--heh!--
I didn't come out of this thing
smellin' like roses, either.
Heh! I lost a bunch of money.
- And your immortal soul.
- Yes, Matt, I do remember that.
- Good.
Then back to hell.
Back to hell forever.
- What about you, Dave?
- You must have borrowed
against the stock, too, and
bought somethin' idiotic like
the rest of these jackasses.
- Actually, I--I
shorted the stock.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, I thought to myself,
"What should I do?"
and the answer was borrow and
then invest all my money
in porn and porn-related items.
So then I did the opposite
of what I wanted to do
for once in my life,
and here I am.
- Well, Dave, I'm proud of you.
Welcome to
the Millionaires Club, son.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations, Dave.
You really did it.
- You did it.
- I suppose I shouldn't
expect you and Jerry
to come back to work.
Well, it looks like he
checked out already, in fact.
- Where is
that nerdbag, anyway?
- Right. I left him
at his house.
Crap!
Aw, man.
Oh, double crap.
[Doorbell rings]
Oh, no. This place looks
like a Mexican pawnshop.
- Hey, cutie.
- Jerry, buddy, look at me.
- Hey, hands off my fix, man!
- It's me, Jerry, Dave.
You got to stop now, man.
- Why would I stop?
It's two-for-one
till 5 p.m.!
Plus free brunch!
Free brunch, Dave!
Whoo!
- You're not at a strip club.
- Brunch tastes pretty good
after you've puked
a couple times.
Plus, all these girls
like me for me,
not just my money.
- Right,
and I've never got
a venereal disease.
Look at yourself, Jerry.
You smell, got stains
on your sweatpants, and have
a big scar on your side.
- Here you go, Misty.
Same deal as always.
Chow Yun Fat!
- Who were those dudes?
- Um, they weren't
Chinese liver thieves.
- Dave, I'm in love!
- With who?
- With who? With all of them!
With Keisha, with Star,
Fountain, Dazzle, Raven,
Coochie, and Whorina.
- Did someone say my name?
Who wants a lap dance?
- Not now, Whorina.
Daddy's talkin'.
Snap out of it, buddy.
GameAVision stock crashed.
We got to get outta here.
-GameAVision stock?
- Oh, my God!
What have I done?
- Come on, dude.
It's time to go back to work.
And, Jerry, in a sick way,
I'm really proud of what
you've done here,
especially what you've done
to the whores.
Just don't try to--aw!--
stand up too fast.
- Dave, I can't feel
my crotch.
- Just as I thought.
Good God, man.
You have lap-dance crotch.
[Chime]
- So how much did you
end up in the hole?
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Jerry, I'm your friend.
- I don't want to talk about it!
[Dog barks]
- Be quiet, Drysdale.
Six zeros or seven zeros?
What are we talking about here?
- Dave!
- Mmm, just think,
all that money gone
in a poof
of banana-scented perfume.
- Dave! I said I don't
want to talk about it!
I have it all under control!
Now, if you don't mind,
I have other jobs
that I've got to get to!
- Jobs?
[Video game music playing]
- Come on, Jerry.
These sausages ain't gonna
deep-fry themselves,
and neither is this.
- Oh, great.
- This place blows.
- [Grunts, spits]
Oh!
[Snoring]
- Yo, you better not have jacked
all my suspensions.
[Chime]
[Doorbell rings]
- Jasper, you want to get that?
- OK, I'm ready to talk
about it now.
- Your banana daiquiri, sir.
- Thank you, Jasper.
- Scoot-Scoot!
Form of frother!
Now, what did you want
to talk to me about?
- Uh, oh, I can't.
- Can't what?
- I came here today
to ask you for money,
but you're using your money
to live your dream.
I can't take that away from you.
I'm sorry. I'll just go.
- Ah, there goes my best friend
in the world.
Oh, well. Time to make
smoothies. Scoot-Scoot!
- Sir, if I may be so bold,
Jerry has been a very good
friend to you these many years.
- I know.
- Remember when he legally
adopted you to stop the INS
from deporting you?
- Or the time he convinced
Larrity that you were sick,
when you were really on
a 3-day acid trip?
- Or when you were broke
and he bought you porn?
- You guys are absolutely right,
and I don't even know
how you know all this stuff
about me and Jerry.
- I can read dreams.
- I've got to do somethin',
even if it means
givin' all of you up.
- A little stick hockey
first? Heh heh!
- Hell, yes!
- Dude, I cannot
thank you enough.
- Don't worry about it.
Why would I want a talking
gorilla butler,
or a hot, willing
anime chick,
or the world's most versatile
robot when I could spend
the rest of my days programming
video games with you?
That's what I really want
out of life.
- Dave, are you being sarcastic?
- No.
- Well, what about now?
- No. Yes.
[Video game music plays]
[Thunder]
[R&B music playing]
- And she loves you ♪
And she loves you ♪
- [Rapping]
Bitch, I love you ♪
Stars above you ♪
Shine like wine,
girl, you be fine ♪
Now it's time to suck
my [bleep] ♪
You better not spit
out our love ♪
- What the [bleep]
are you doing, Dave?
It's 3:00 in the morning.
- We never shored up
the time of our date.
- I am calling the cops!
- Don't call the cops!
- You are so creepy, Dave!
- Can you see he
loves you, bitch?
- I love you, bitch,
I love you, bitch ♪
- White girls are free ♪
You and he and a baby
makes 3 ♪
- Baby makes 3 ♪
- The hot dog's in the bun,
you best not run ♪
[Video game music plays,
elephant trumpets]
- I can't feel my crotch!