Colin from Accounts (2022) s01e08 Episode Script
High Needs People
1
Do I seem less intuitive to you?
I just had some Botox
in my third eye.
No.
Looks better though, doesn't it?
Yeah, Mum. Looks good.
Oh, stop mooning over him, darling.
I'm not mooning over him.
I'm mooning over Colin.
That's who I meant!
Oh.
Darling,
you can't have a crippled dog.
You're gonna be a doctor.
You'll be knee-deep in cripples.
You need a nice cavoodle
or something.
Hypoallergenic.
I don't want a cav
Mum!
Mum!
Lee, what are you doing?
Lee!
Just doing my Duolingo, darling.
Well, we can hear you.
Is he doing Duolingo, Mum?
(WHISPERS) I don't know.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, he's almost here.
I can't do this.
I can't give him back!
Oh, darling, it'll be OK.
Think of the family
who thought they'd lost him forever.
No.
I I don't know, why I called them.
Just because you ran over a dog
doesn't mean he's yours.
I didn't run him over.
It was Gordon.
But he said you
distracted him though.
What on earth were you doing
that was so watchable?
Nothing.
He's just He's a shit driver.
I have to go.
Well, don't I get to say goodbye
to dear little Colin?
Dear little Colin?
You've never even patted him.
I don't pat animals, darling.
I lay hands.
He doesn't need your horse reiki.
Yes, he does.
Don't do this.
I have to go.
I have to go.
His sacral region.
Of course it's there.
It's the relationship chakra.
Yeah, Mum,
that's fuck that's fucken enough.
OK, wait. Wait.
I haven't grounded him yet
None of us are grounded, Mum.
(THEME MUSIC)
(KIDS GIGGLE SCREAM PLAYFULLY)
This guy, what'd he sound like?
Was he nice, or
Ahh, he sounded,
I don't know, normal.
Was he happy
to get his dog back at least?
I don't
I think so. I couldn't really tell.
How's your hand?
Oh, it's ahh, Boxer's fracture.
Oh, fuck.
It doesn't matter.
It does matter.
Look, should we call this guy?
Yeah.
He's 20 minutes late.
Yes, OK.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Hello?
Hi, Matt, how are you
Where are you?
I've been for half an hour.
Oh, we're at the elephant.
Yeah, I'm at the elephant.
Oh, no
Hi.
Oh, I think I see
Matt?
He hung up. OK.
Oh.
Cool guy.
Here we go.
Here we go, here we go, Col.
What the fuck happened?
Oh, shit, did you not tell him?
No, I did
What happened to Bandit?
Sorry, I told you on the phone
that he was hit by a car.
No, you don't.
I did.
We don't know
who was driving the car though.
We don't know
who was driving the car though.
You didn't tell me he was
Oh, fuck's sake!
Hey, he's he's OK.
Yeah.
He's still a good dog.
He made it.
No, it isn't, mate.
He's got wheels
for fucken back legs.
No, we we know that, mate.
But he's he's
Let's just calm down, alright?
Yeah.
Hey why don't you calm down?
My ten-year-old boy was devastated
when his dog ran away.
He's been crying ever since.
He comes home from school
with paintings of Bandit in heaven
and Bandit in a coffin,
and now he's having dreams that
zombie Bandit's fucken stuck
in his closet.
Oh, that's awful.
Yeah, it is awful.
And then I get your phone call
and I'm thinking,
I'm gonna reunite him with his dog
and now, I've gotta let him down
all over again.
Why? He's alive.
What do you expect me to do,
build fucken ramps
for the fucken thing?
Are you actually saying
that you don't want your dog back?
I never fucken wanted the dog!
My boy wanted a dog,
but he doesn't pick its shit up
and walk the little cunt.
OK, are you right, mate?
No, I'm not fucken right
'cause I've gotta go and tell my boy
that this isn't the same fucken dog,
'cause it's not, is it?
'Cause this dog's fucked.
No, you're a bit fucked,
aren't ya mate, ya fucken cretin?
No, you're a bit fucked,
aren't ya mate, ya fucken cretin?
Gordon, don't. Come on. Gordon.
What are
What are you gonna fucken do,
Gordon?
Do you want me to break
your other fucken hand?
Have a fucken swing, mate.
Have a fucken swing.
Is he being serious?
Are you, mate?
(MIMICKING) Are you, mate?
Don't be a fucken idiot, mate
Come on. Well, fucken
Yes, I don't think you are, Gordon.
Mate, I'll fucken
put my good hand behind my back.
You
OK.
Have you ever thought
you might have a problem with rage?
I said sorry.
Oh, only after you realised
he was gonna beat the shit
out of you.
Yeah,
what sort of dickhead threatens
a guy with one hand?
And why do you have one hand?
I'm not really at my best,
currently, Ash, alright?
Yeah, but you go from 0 to a 100
No, I wasn't at zero.
I was already mid-50s.
The guy is an arsehole.
What do we do?
What do you mean?
Well, I can't look after him
if we're, you know, if
I can't do it alone.
Can you?
No.
No, I can't, not by myself.
Do you know anyone
who's looking for a dog?
(SOFT MUSIC)
Ooh!
Hello, mate.
Are your neighbours
still up for a dog?
I don't think so, man.
I think they went
to the rescue place down in Mascot.
Oh.
What what place?
We're near Mascot now.
Couldn't tell you.
Bretty, is it
Is it Jenny's Animal Shelter, maybe?
Yeah, that's the one.
So, Meggles, she's a cool chick.
Yeah, yep, she's great. Why?
What's her story? Is she single?
Fuck. She might be, yep.
Cool.
You wouldn't mind
giving us her number?
I thought Chiara warned you off,
mate.
Chiara's married with kids.
She's kidding herself.
Big talk, mate.
Who's kidding herself?
Ooh, you're fucked now.
Um, how about
I'll text her your number?
I think that's better.
Cool. Bye.
Not kidding yourself, you know.
What, are you going to call Megan?
Are you? You're married, Chi.
Yeah, I know that, Brett.
I know that.
You OK?
No, I'm not.
I really liked her the other day.
Oh.
Oh, I didn't know you
you swung from vine to vine.
Well, before Andre,
I had a couple of
Sips from the furry cup?
Come on.
Sorry, I just didn't know
you dined at the Y?
Brett!
Sorry!
Sorry. Alright? Go on.
Well, you know,
Andre and I got together so young.
Sort of just haven't opened
that door since.
Look, Chi, if this is a big,
you know, moment for you
then I won't call her, OK?
You know, moment for you
then I won't call her, OK?
Alright?
I think she's a really cool chick,
but it's alright.
It's cool.
I'm married, for fuck's sake.
OK.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, wow, it's Megan.
"Hey, just got your number
from Ash".
Up for a bevy if I
..drop round in the next hourish?
'Where do you stand on threesomes?
Are you on crack?
(SOFT MUSIC)
(DOGS BARKING)
Are we sure this is the place?
Yep, it's got one review
from Numbskull 823,
which says,
"Big boi got big balzzz."
Sounds good.
That was three years ago.
OK.
Yep.
(DOG BARKS)
That one has one eye.
When did that happen?
Look at that fucking wolf thing.
That's from 'Game of Thrones'.
That's 'Jon Snow's dog.
Oh, shit, look at that one.
Oh, he can jump.
He's a jumper.
OK.
I can't look at him.
Nuh.
Ooh, bad dog.
That's a That's a bad dog.
No, he's OK. He's chained up.
He's chained up. That's alright.
What about that one?
He's here. Oh!
OK. Well, he can't go in here.
Pick him up. Pick him up.
Well, no,
he's got he's got his wheels on.
Yeah, well,
you have to pick him up anyway.
Like my hand, I can't
Just pick the dog up
Yep, OK. Very good.
..Gordon.
OK, here we go.
Oh, god.
OK.
Oh, fuck, he's lunch.
Look at him, he's lunch.
No, we're good, we're good.
Go, go, go. And relax.
Just breathe.
Oh, my god.
That's it. Be confident.
Be confident. We're good.
He's really big.
No, he's good, he's good.
That's the one with one eye.
We're all good.
Just be confident.
We're the top dog.
Just be confident.
We're the top dog.
We're the top dogs.
I don't think we are.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my goodness!
All good? All good?
No, I'm great. OK, top dog.
You know, what?
Be confident and laugh.
(LAUGHTER)
Get down!
What the bloody hell
are youse doing?
Youse are meant
to use the back gate.
Hey.
Oh, hi, we didn't realise.
There was one. Sorry.
Yeah, you're right.
You droppin' off or pickin' up?
Ahh, potentially dropping off.
Legs buggered?
Ahh, yes.
Does it come with the rig?
Yes, he needs them.
The rig is Yeah.
Sweet.
OK.
So, do you have Ooh!
Any experience
with special needs dogs?
Dogs are dogs, love.
$300 for drop off.
OK.
Ahh, he might need
his urine expressed, though.
Do you know, how to do that?
Yeah, no worries.
But but do you know how to do it?
You droppin' off or not?
Ahh, well, possibly,
but this is a high-needs dog.
Nah, youse are high-needs people.
Dogs are dogs. Shut up, Bobo.
Dogs are dogs. Shut up, Bobo.
Gordon, I really
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think we should go.
Yeah.
Bugger youse then.
Fricken time wasters.
Sorry, Jenny.
Come on, Bobby.
Come on. Come on, inside.
Right, here he comes.
Good boy. Come on! Inside!
Good boy.
Come on!
Gordon, you've backed me up
against the gate.
Alright, can we
I can't open the fucking gate.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Move forward.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, I mean, so,
Jenny's definitely not vaccinated.
Wouldn't have thought so.
Bretty.
Hey, mate, the neighbours
are still looking for a dog.
Oh, really?
Oh, what?
They said that that rescue place
was a bit weird.
A bit? Fucken hell.
My god.
Anyway, Phoebe is the Mum's name.
I'll text you all her dets
and she'll be expecting your call.
But they're a really nice family.
OK. Yep, sounds good man.
Thanks, Brett.
Did did Meggles text?
Yeah. She Yeah.
Is everything OK?
Yep. Yep. Yep.
It's cool. Cool, cool.
What's that mean?
Ahh, nah. All good.
She did, thanks.
Ahh, nah. All good.
She did, thanks.
Anyways, gotta crack on. OK.
OK.
Alright.
See ya.
Bye.
Ooh!
OK.
What do you think,
should we do this?
Yeah, I mean,
anything's better than that.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
Oh, and it turned out
the British guy, Nigel.
Yeah?
Yeah, is some drug dealer mate
of Roman's.
What?
Sorry, what British guy?
The one that fell out the window.
Sorry, someone fell out the window?
Yeah.
Well, did he survive?
Yeah, but now he's suing us.
What!
Gordon told me you'd freak out.
Freak out?
Yes!
What was he doing up there?
I don't know!
Maybe I should go.
BOTH: No, no, no.
Sorry, that's so
This is so boring.
Don't do that, no.
We don't want to hear
about all this work stuff.
OK.
You didn't come here for that.
Did you?
No, you did not come here
so, that you could hear about Brett
and Gordon's incompetence.
Hey guys, is a debit card OK?
Hey guys, is a debit card OK?
Oh, no, no, no, this is on us.
Yeah.
No, no, no, for the party.
It's $500, yeah?
You're paying for the whole party?
Um, yeah.
I I think Ash got the impression
that Gordon would pay,
which is which is our bad.
Meggles, look, Gordo can pay
for his girlfriend's party.
Come on.
Ahh, actually I think they broke up.
BOTH: Oh.
Well, whatever.
You're not paying for this.
Is she, Chi?
No, way. No, no, no.
This is on us.
Yeah.
Are you serious?
Yep. Deadly.
Yeah.
Oh, my god, thank you guys.
Thank you so much. You're the best.
OK.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you really.
Thank you, Bretty, mwah.
You guys are fucking legends.
Oh, you're a legend.
Oh, you are.
And I just
I hope I didn't make too much
of a dick of myself at the party.
No, hey, hey,
we had some really good chats.
Yeah, so, did we.
It's embarrassing for me
It's embarrassing for me
because I actually don't remember
anything after shots.
I was wasted.
Yeah, me too. You think I remember?
Oh, for sure.
I don't
Sorry, was I even talking to you?
(INDISTINCT TALK)
What'd we even Did we talk.
Yeah. Exactly.
I don't know, did we talk?
(LAUGHTER)
OK, OK.
Thank you. Thanks, guys.
Thank you for coming in.
See ya.
Yeah!
Yep.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Can I have a
Shut up! Shut up.
Third time lucky.
(BELL TOLLS)
Hi!
Hi.
I'm Phoebe. Hi, Gordon and Ashley.
Hello, Phoebe, how are you?
Oh, there you are!
Look at this precious little man.
Hello! Oh, kisses!
Oh, kisses. Thank you!
Please, come on in.
Would you like a coffee, or a tea?
BOTH: Oh. Um Do you wanna
Oh, please you can meet Angus
and Berlin is so excited
to meet this little guy.
Yeah, OK.
Yes, great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come in!
(SOFT MUSIC)
You have frizzy hair.
What do I have?
Frizzy hair.
Oh, do I?
She does, yeah, yeah.
My Mum's prettier.
Oop!
Berlin!
Our chihuahua, Peppy, died
the year before last.
He was 18, you know.
So, it really took us
a long time to get over it.
Oh, yeah, I bet.
Good innings.
BOTH: Mm.
And when Brett's Mum, Diana,
told us about this dog
we just thought,
you precious little thing.
And seeing him here, he really is.
Yeah, he's very special.
Yeah.
Did she mention that
he might need help doing a wee,
going to the toilet in time?
Yep, already YouTubed that
and ready to go, so
Oh.
Oh, wow.
That's great.
Yeah.
And if if I could ask one favour?
Sure.
If you wouldn't mind not
changing his name
because it would be his third name
and it just might be
a bit confusing for him.
What was What was his name again?
Colin.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a weird name for a dog.
Mm.
Yeah, don't love it.
Ahh, well, I mean,
something then that sounds like,
you know, ah, like Corin?
Corin?
Or Gollum?
Gollum.
From 'Lord Of The Rings'.
Yeah, nah.
What do you want
to call him, Berlin?
Peppy!
Are you sure, sweetheart?
Peppy was Peppy's name.
I want Peppy.
Oh. She does know that
that's not Peppy, though, so
Of course she does.
But I think
if she wants to call him Peppy,
it doesn't matter.
Do you love Peppy, darling?
Peppy, come here. Peppy! Peppy!
Oh, Peppy it is.
Yay! Vroom! Vroom!
Ahh, no, don't do that.
Can we not Can we not do that?
Vroom! Vroom!
Be gentle, Berlin.
Vroom! Vroom!
Stop. How do you make
Can you be gentle, Berlin.
She's being gentle.
He's my dog now.
Peppy! Come on, Peppy!
Thank you for not making
it a big goodbye.
It's less traumatic for Peppy.
Yep.
Yeah, of course. No, worries.
Yeah.
And just let us know
if you've got any questions,
any issues, anything.
Of course.
Day or night.
Yeah.
I'm sure we'll be fine.
Totally.
Cool, cool.
Let's go.
Yeah, and just send some photos
when you can.
OK. Well, take care.
It was so lovely to meet you both.
Bye-bye!
OK, bye.
Was that the right thing to do?
I think so.
Will he be OK?
I mean
Dogs are pragmatists, you know?
I mean
Yeah, he's special,
but he's gonna
He's gonna love
whoever feeds him, won't he?
That was always the deal
between humans and dogs.
That was always the deal
between humans and dogs.
It's always been the deal, you know?
We let them sit near the campfire
and we'd feed them scraps,
and they'd protect us
when the lions were nearby,
you know?
So, it's
it's kind of transactional.
Doesn't make it less real,
but it's fine.
He'll be happy.
Yeah, but we loved him.
Yeah. Yeah.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hi, Mum.
Ashley, where are you?
I'm just with Gordon.
What's going on?
Something's happened. I need you.
What's happened?
Are you Are you OK?
No, I'm not. It's Lee.
Please come here. I need you.
OK, OK, OK, just breathe.
Breathe, Mum.
OK, I'll be there soon.
What's wrong?
Oh, fuck knows.
It's like she knew that
I was having a moment.
(SOFT MUSIC)
OK.
I'd better go see
what's up with Mum.
Yeah.
You OK?
Yeah.
I guess I'll see you round?
Yeah, definitely.
Is that it?
What?
OK.
Well, I I I have to go.
Bye, Gordon.
Ciao for now.
I said, "No, Lee, it's not spam."
It's all over Facebook.
Everyone can see
how many Candy Crush games
you've played.
How many Candy Crush games
you've played.
He's played literally hundreds
of Candy Crush games
with this 21-year-old Korean girl,
but he kept saying it was spam.
Oh, you're joking, Mum.
But then I went through his phone,
and she's all through
his chatsnap as well.
And he's been sending her money,
my money.
And it's been going on for months.
Oh, my god. Mum, I'm so sorry.
You were right about him, Ashley.
You were.
Well, you know,
I'm I'm sorry that I was right.
No, I'm sorry
that I didn't listen to you.
I'm sorry that I believed him
and not you.
You are my family.
It's OK, Mum.
No, it's not OK.
You're my only family.
I love you so much, Ashley Maree.
Oh, Mummy.
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh.
Oh, I've gotta take this.
Just make yourself comfortable,
darling.
Just make yourself comfortable,
darling.
This could take a while.
Well, what have you got to say
for yourself?
Don't call me
if you're going to lie to me.
(SOBS)
Gordy, you left the window open.
Ahh, fuck it.
Are you crying about us
or are you crying about Colin?
Ahh, oh, it's everything.
If it were like a pie chart,
what would it look like?
Um
I don't know. It's a lot.
It's just, um
this is a once in a year cry,
you know.
What's the saddest thing though?
Does it matter?
Well, yeah,
'cause I was just going
to have a little cry too and
Were you?
Yeah.
I mean, it wasn't going to be like
an Irish keening
like what you're doing,
but you know,
'cause I just have lots of
little cries throughout the year.
What was yours about?
What was yours about?
Pie chart-wise.
I asked you first.
Um
I think I accidentally
opened my heart
to a crippled dog
And then you slipped through
the opening at the same time.
If this is falling in love,
I really don't like it.
I'm not a fan
'cause it's exhausting.
I feel a bit like I'm going insane.
Do you?
Yeah.
That's nice.
Is it?
So, what do we do?
(SOFT MUSIC)
I think we go get our dog back.
Oh, thank god.
Let's do it.
I hated that fucking family.
Oh, they were fucked.
Who calls their kid Berlin?
Wankers.
How are we gonna get him back?
Oh, I don't know.
We'll we'll figure it out
on the way.
We are gonna make
that little girl cry though.
Good.
I ain't got time
To roll the beast down
But if I don't then
How I'm gon' eat?
I'm doing just fine
With all of this pride
I'm lucky I got somewhere to sleep
I'm living on the word
Of other peoples' promises
That I don't think
They even gon' keep
They not gon' keep
But they said I could "move in"
And "don't worry about the rent"
But they really want me out
On the streets
If they show you who they are
You better believe them now
'Cause if you don't
You're gonna have problems
You wanna worry around
And put yourself in the ground
'Cause that's what happens
When you allow them ♪
(CHORUS)
But it ain't that type of party
Oh, no
Imma' make it baby,
You're gonna see
Gonna see
'Cause it ain't that. ♪
Do I seem less intuitive to you?
I just had some Botox
in my third eye.
No.
Looks better though, doesn't it?
Yeah, Mum. Looks good.
Oh, stop mooning over him, darling.
I'm not mooning over him.
I'm mooning over Colin.
That's who I meant!
Oh.
Darling,
you can't have a crippled dog.
You're gonna be a doctor.
You'll be knee-deep in cripples.
You need a nice cavoodle
or something.
Hypoallergenic.
I don't want a cav
Mum!
Mum!
Lee, what are you doing?
Lee!
Just doing my Duolingo, darling.
Well, we can hear you.
Is he doing Duolingo, Mum?
(WHISPERS) I don't know.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, he's almost here.
I can't do this.
I can't give him back!
Oh, darling, it'll be OK.
Think of the family
who thought they'd lost him forever.
No.
I I don't know, why I called them.
Just because you ran over a dog
doesn't mean he's yours.
I didn't run him over.
It was Gordon.
But he said you
distracted him though.
What on earth were you doing
that was so watchable?
Nothing.
He's just He's a shit driver.
I have to go.
Well, don't I get to say goodbye
to dear little Colin?
Dear little Colin?
You've never even patted him.
I don't pat animals, darling.
I lay hands.
He doesn't need your horse reiki.
Yes, he does.
Don't do this.
I have to go.
I have to go.
His sacral region.
Of course it's there.
It's the relationship chakra.
Yeah, Mum,
that's fuck that's fucken enough.
OK, wait. Wait.
I haven't grounded him yet
None of us are grounded, Mum.
(THEME MUSIC)
(KIDS GIGGLE SCREAM PLAYFULLY)
This guy, what'd he sound like?
Was he nice, or
Ahh, he sounded,
I don't know, normal.
Was he happy
to get his dog back at least?
I don't
I think so. I couldn't really tell.
How's your hand?
Oh, it's ahh, Boxer's fracture.
Oh, fuck.
It doesn't matter.
It does matter.
Look, should we call this guy?
Yeah.
He's 20 minutes late.
Yes, OK.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Hello?
Hi, Matt, how are you
Where are you?
I've been for half an hour.
Oh, we're at the elephant.
Yeah, I'm at the elephant.
Oh, no
Hi.
Oh, I think I see
Matt?
He hung up. OK.
Oh.
Cool guy.
Here we go.
Here we go, here we go, Col.
What the fuck happened?
Oh, shit, did you not tell him?
No, I did
What happened to Bandit?
Sorry, I told you on the phone
that he was hit by a car.
No, you don't.
I did.
We don't know
who was driving the car though.
We don't know
who was driving the car though.
You didn't tell me he was
Oh, fuck's sake!
Hey, he's he's OK.
Yeah.
He's still a good dog.
He made it.
No, it isn't, mate.
He's got wheels
for fucken back legs.
No, we we know that, mate.
But he's he's
Let's just calm down, alright?
Yeah.
Hey why don't you calm down?
My ten-year-old boy was devastated
when his dog ran away.
He's been crying ever since.
He comes home from school
with paintings of Bandit in heaven
and Bandit in a coffin,
and now he's having dreams that
zombie Bandit's fucken stuck
in his closet.
Oh, that's awful.
Yeah, it is awful.
And then I get your phone call
and I'm thinking,
I'm gonna reunite him with his dog
and now, I've gotta let him down
all over again.
Why? He's alive.
What do you expect me to do,
build fucken ramps
for the fucken thing?
Are you actually saying
that you don't want your dog back?
I never fucken wanted the dog!
My boy wanted a dog,
but he doesn't pick its shit up
and walk the little cunt.
OK, are you right, mate?
No, I'm not fucken right
'cause I've gotta go and tell my boy
that this isn't the same fucken dog,
'cause it's not, is it?
'Cause this dog's fucked.
No, you're a bit fucked,
aren't ya mate, ya fucken cretin?
No, you're a bit fucked,
aren't ya mate, ya fucken cretin?
Gordon, don't. Come on. Gordon.
What are
What are you gonna fucken do,
Gordon?
Do you want me to break
your other fucken hand?
Have a fucken swing, mate.
Have a fucken swing.
Is he being serious?
Are you, mate?
(MIMICKING) Are you, mate?
Don't be a fucken idiot, mate
Come on. Well, fucken
Yes, I don't think you are, Gordon.
Mate, I'll fucken
put my good hand behind my back.
You
OK.
Have you ever thought
you might have a problem with rage?
I said sorry.
Oh, only after you realised
he was gonna beat the shit
out of you.
Yeah,
what sort of dickhead threatens
a guy with one hand?
And why do you have one hand?
I'm not really at my best,
currently, Ash, alright?
Yeah, but you go from 0 to a 100
No, I wasn't at zero.
I was already mid-50s.
The guy is an arsehole.
What do we do?
What do you mean?
Well, I can't look after him
if we're, you know, if
I can't do it alone.
Can you?
No.
No, I can't, not by myself.
Do you know anyone
who's looking for a dog?
(SOFT MUSIC)
Ooh!
Hello, mate.
Are your neighbours
still up for a dog?
I don't think so, man.
I think they went
to the rescue place down in Mascot.
Oh.
What what place?
We're near Mascot now.
Couldn't tell you.
Bretty, is it
Is it Jenny's Animal Shelter, maybe?
Yeah, that's the one.
So, Meggles, she's a cool chick.
Yeah, yep, she's great. Why?
What's her story? Is she single?
Fuck. She might be, yep.
Cool.
You wouldn't mind
giving us her number?
I thought Chiara warned you off,
mate.
Chiara's married with kids.
She's kidding herself.
Big talk, mate.
Who's kidding herself?
Ooh, you're fucked now.
Um, how about
I'll text her your number?
I think that's better.
Cool. Bye.
Not kidding yourself, you know.
What, are you going to call Megan?
Are you? You're married, Chi.
Yeah, I know that, Brett.
I know that.
You OK?
No, I'm not.
I really liked her the other day.
Oh.
Oh, I didn't know you
you swung from vine to vine.
Well, before Andre,
I had a couple of
Sips from the furry cup?
Come on.
Sorry, I just didn't know
you dined at the Y?
Brett!
Sorry!
Sorry. Alright? Go on.
Well, you know,
Andre and I got together so young.
Sort of just haven't opened
that door since.
Look, Chi, if this is a big,
you know, moment for you
then I won't call her, OK?
You know, moment for you
then I won't call her, OK?
Alright?
I think she's a really cool chick,
but it's alright.
It's cool.
I'm married, for fuck's sake.
OK.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, wow, it's Megan.
"Hey, just got your number
from Ash".
Up for a bevy if I
..drop round in the next hourish?
'Where do you stand on threesomes?
Are you on crack?
(SOFT MUSIC)
(DOGS BARKING)
Are we sure this is the place?
Yep, it's got one review
from Numbskull 823,
which says,
"Big boi got big balzzz."
Sounds good.
That was three years ago.
OK.
Yep.
(DOG BARKS)
That one has one eye.
When did that happen?
Look at that fucking wolf thing.
That's from 'Game of Thrones'.
That's 'Jon Snow's dog.
Oh, shit, look at that one.
Oh, he can jump.
He's a jumper.
OK.
I can't look at him.
Nuh.
Ooh, bad dog.
That's a That's a bad dog.
No, he's OK. He's chained up.
He's chained up. That's alright.
What about that one?
He's here. Oh!
OK. Well, he can't go in here.
Pick him up. Pick him up.
Well, no,
he's got he's got his wheels on.
Yeah, well,
you have to pick him up anyway.
Like my hand, I can't
Just pick the dog up
Yep, OK. Very good.
..Gordon.
OK, here we go.
Oh, god.
OK.
Oh, fuck, he's lunch.
Look at him, he's lunch.
No, we're good, we're good.
Go, go, go. And relax.
Just breathe.
Oh, my god.
That's it. Be confident.
Be confident. We're good.
He's really big.
No, he's good, he's good.
That's the one with one eye.
We're all good.
Just be confident.
We're the top dog.
Just be confident.
We're the top dog.
We're the top dogs.
I don't think we are.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my goodness!
All good? All good?
No, I'm great. OK, top dog.
You know, what?
Be confident and laugh.
(LAUGHTER)
Get down!
What the bloody hell
are youse doing?
Youse are meant
to use the back gate.
Hey.
Oh, hi, we didn't realise.
There was one. Sorry.
Yeah, you're right.
You droppin' off or pickin' up?
Ahh, potentially dropping off.
Legs buggered?
Ahh, yes.
Does it come with the rig?
Yes, he needs them.
The rig is Yeah.
Sweet.
OK.
So, do you have Ooh!
Any experience
with special needs dogs?
Dogs are dogs, love.
$300 for drop off.
OK.
Ahh, he might need
his urine expressed, though.
Do you know, how to do that?
Yeah, no worries.
But but do you know how to do it?
You droppin' off or not?
Ahh, well, possibly,
but this is a high-needs dog.
Nah, youse are high-needs people.
Dogs are dogs. Shut up, Bobo.
Dogs are dogs. Shut up, Bobo.
Gordon, I really
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think we should go.
Yeah.
Bugger youse then.
Fricken time wasters.
Sorry, Jenny.
Come on, Bobby.
Come on. Come on, inside.
Right, here he comes.
Good boy. Come on! Inside!
Good boy.
Come on!
Gordon, you've backed me up
against the gate.
Alright, can we
I can't open the fucking gate.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Move forward.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, I mean, so,
Jenny's definitely not vaccinated.
Wouldn't have thought so.
Bretty.
Hey, mate, the neighbours
are still looking for a dog.
Oh, really?
Oh, what?
They said that that rescue place
was a bit weird.
A bit? Fucken hell.
My god.
Anyway, Phoebe is the Mum's name.
I'll text you all her dets
and she'll be expecting your call.
But they're a really nice family.
OK. Yep, sounds good man.
Thanks, Brett.
Did did Meggles text?
Yeah. She Yeah.
Is everything OK?
Yep. Yep. Yep.
It's cool. Cool, cool.
What's that mean?
Ahh, nah. All good.
She did, thanks.
Ahh, nah. All good.
She did, thanks.
Anyways, gotta crack on. OK.
OK.
Alright.
See ya.
Bye.
Ooh!
OK.
What do you think,
should we do this?
Yeah, I mean,
anything's better than that.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
Oh, and it turned out
the British guy, Nigel.
Yeah?
Yeah, is some drug dealer mate
of Roman's.
What?
Sorry, what British guy?
The one that fell out the window.
Sorry, someone fell out the window?
Yeah.
Well, did he survive?
Yeah, but now he's suing us.
What!
Gordon told me you'd freak out.
Freak out?
Yes!
What was he doing up there?
I don't know!
Maybe I should go.
BOTH: No, no, no.
Sorry, that's so
This is so boring.
Don't do that, no.
We don't want to hear
about all this work stuff.
OK.
You didn't come here for that.
Did you?
No, you did not come here
so, that you could hear about Brett
and Gordon's incompetence.
Hey guys, is a debit card OK?
Hey guys, is a debit card OK?
Oh, no, no, no, this is on us.
Yeah.
No, no, no, for the party.
It's $500, yeah?
You're paying for the whole party?
Um, yeah.
I I think Ash got the impression
that Gordon would pay,
which is which is our bad.
Meggles, look, Gordo can pay
for his girlfriend's party.
Come on.
Ahh, actually I think they broke up.
BOTH: Oh.
Well, whatever.
You're not paying for this.
Is she, Chi?
No, way. No, no, no.
This is on us.
Yeah.
Are you serious?
Yep. Deadly.
Yeah.
Oh, my god, thank you guys.
Thank you so much. You're the best.
OK.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you really.
Thank you, Bretty, mwah.
You guys are fucking legends.
Oh, you're a legend.
Oh, you are.
And I just
I hope I didn't make too much
of a dick of myself at the party.
No, hey, hey,
we had some really good chats.
Yeah, so, did we.
It's embarrassing for me
It's embarrassing for me
because I actually don't remember
anything after shots.
I was wasted.
Yeah, me too. You think I remember?
Oh, for sure.
I don't
Sorry, was I even talking to you?
(INDISTINCT TALK)
What'd we even Did we talk.
Yeah. Exactly.
I don't know, did we talk?
(LAUGHTER)
OK, OK.
Thank you. Thanks, guys.
Thank you for coming in.
See ya.
Yeah!
Yep.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Can I have a
Shut up! Shut up.
Third time lucky.
(BELL TOLLS)
Hi!
Hi.
I'm Phoebe. Hi, Gordon and Ashley.
Hello, Phoebe, how are you?
Oh, there you are!
Look at this precious little man.
Hello! Oh, kisses!
Oh, kisses. Thank you!
Please, come on in.
Would you like a coffee, or a tea?
BOTH: Oh. Um Do you wanna
Oh, please you can meet Angus
and Berlin is so excited
to meet this little guy.
Yeah, OK.
Yes, great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come in!
(SOFT MUSIC)
You have frizzy hair.
What do I have?
Frizzy hair.
Oh, do I?
She does, yeah, yeah.
My Mum's prettier.
Oop!
Berlin!
Our chihuahua, Peppy, died
the year before last.
He was 18, you know.
So, it really took us
a long time to get over it.
Oh, yeah, I bet.
Good innings.
BOTH: Mm.
And when Brett's Mum, Diana,
told us about this dog
we just thought,
you precious little thing.
And seeing him here, he really is.
Yeah, he's very special.
Yeah.
Did she mention that
he might need help doing a wee,
going to the toilet in time?
Yep, already YouTubed that
and ready to go, so
Oh.
Oh, wow.
That's great.
Yeah.
And if if I could ask one favour?
Sure.
If you wouldn't mind not
changing his name
because it would be his third name
and it just might be
a bit confusing for him.
What was What was his name again?
Colin.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a weird name for a dog.
Mm.
Yeah, don't love it.
Ahh, well, I mean,
something then that sounds like,
you know, ah, like Corin?
Corin?
Or Gollum?
Gollum.
From 'Lord Of The Rings'.
Yeah, nah.
What do you want
to call him, Berlin?
Peppy!
Are you sure, sweetheart?
Peppy was Peppy's name.
I want Peppy.
Oh. She does know that
that's not Peppy, though, so
Of course she does.
But I think
if she wants to call him Peppy,
it doesn't matter.
Do you love Peppy, darling?
Peppy, come here. Peppy! Peppy!
Oh, Peppy it is.
Yay! Vroom! Vroom!
Ahh, no, don't do that.
Can we not Can we not do that?
Vroom! Vroom!
Be gentle, Berlin.
Vroom! Vroom!
Stop. How do you make
Can you be gentle, Berlin.
She's being gentle.
He's my dog now.
Peppy! Come on, Peppy!
Thank you for not making
it a big goodbye.
It's less traumatic for Peppy.
Yep.
Yeah, of course. No, worries.
Yeah.
And just let us know
if you've got any questions,
any issues, anything.
Of course.
Day or night.
Yeah.
I'm sure we'll be fine.
Totally.
Cool, cool.
Let's go.
Yeah, and just send some photos
when you can.
OK. Well, take care.
It was so lovely to meet you both.
Bye-bye!
OK, bye.
Was that the right thing to do?
I think so.
Will he be OK?
I mean
Dogs are pragmatists, you know?
I mean
Yeah, he's special,
but he's gonna
He's gonna love
whoever feeds him, won't he?
That was always the deal
between humans and dogs.
That was always the deal
between humans and dogs.
It's always been the deal, you know?
We let them sit near the campfire
and we'd feed them scraps,
and they'd protect us
when the lions were nearby,
you know?
So, it's
it's kind of transactional.
Doesn't make it less real,
but it's fine.
He'll be happy.
Yeah, but we loved him.
Yeah. Yeah.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hi, Mum.
Ashley, where are you?
I'm just with Gordon.
What's going on?
Something's happened. I need you.
What's happened?
Are you Are you OK?
No, I'm not. It's Lee.
Please come here. I need you.
OK, OK, OK, just breathe.
Breathe, Mum.
OK, I'll be there soon.
What's wrong?
Oh, fuck knows.
It's like she knew that
I was having a moment.
(SOFT MUSIC)
OK.
I'd better go see
what's up with Mum.
Yeah.
You OK?
Yeah.
I guess I'll see you round?
Yeah, definitely.
Is that it?
What?
OK.
Well, I I I have to go.
Bye, Gordon.
Ciao for now.
I said, "No, Lee, it's not spam."
It's all over Facebook.
Everyone can see
how many Candy Crush games
you've played.
How many Candy Crush games
you've played.
He's played literally hundreds
of Candy Crush games
with this 21-year-old Korean girl,
but he kept saying it was spam.
Oh, you're joking, Mum.
But then I went through his phone,
and she's all through
his chatsnap as well.
And he's been sending her money,
my money.
And it's been going on for months.
Oh, my god. Mum, I'm so sorry.
You were right about him, Ashley.
You were.
Well, you know,
I'm I'm sorry that I was right.
No, I'm sorry
that I didn't listen to you.
I'm sorry that I believed him
and not you.
You are my family.
It's OK, Mum.
No, it's not OK.
You're my only family.
I love you so much, Ashley Maree.
Oh, Mummy.
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh.
Oh, I've gotta take this.
Just make yourself comfortable,
darling.
Just make yourself comfortable,
darling.
This could take a while.
Well, what have you got to say
for yourself?
Don't call me
if you're going to lie to me.
(SOBS)
Gordy, you left the window open.
Ahh, fuck it.
Are you crying about us
or are you crying about Colin?
Ahh, oh, it's everything.
If it were like a pie chart,
what would it look like?
Um
I don't know. It's a lot.
It's just, um
this is a once in a year cry,
you know.
What's the saddest thing though?
Does it matter?
Well, yeah,
'cause I was just going
to have a little cry too and
Were you?
Yeah.
I mean, it wasn't going to be like
an Irish keening
like what you're doing,
but you know,
'cause I just have lots of
little cries throughout the year.
What was yours about?
What was yours about?
Pie chart-wise.
I asked you first.
Um
I think I accidentally
opened my heart
to a crippled dog
And then you slipped through
the opening at the same time.
If this is falling in love,
I really don't like it.
I'm not a fan
'cause it's exhausting.
I feel a bit like I'm going insane.
Do you?
Yeah.
That's nice.
Is it?
So, what do we do?
(SOFT MUSIC)
I think we go get our dog back.
Oh, thank god.
Let's do it.
I hated that fucking family.
Oh, they were fucked.
Who calls their kid Berlin?
Wankers.
How are we gonna get him back?
Oh, I don't know.
We'll we'll figure it out
on the way.
We are gonna make
that little girl cry though.
Good.
I ain't got time
To roll the beast down
But if I don't then
How I'm gon' eat?
I'm doing just fine
With all of this pride
I'm lucky I got somewhere to sleep
I'm living on the word
Of other peoples' promises
That I don't think
They even gon' keep
They not gon' keep
But they said I could "move in"
And "don't worry about the rent"
But they really want me out
On the streets
If they show you who they are
You better believe them now
'Cause if you don't
You're gonna have problems
You wanna worry around
And put yourself in the ground
'Cause that's what happens
When you allow them ♪
(CHORUS)
But it ain't that type of party
Oh, no
Imma' make it baby,
You're gonna see
Gonna see
'Cause it ain't that. ♪