Crossing Swords (2020) s01e08 Episode Script

1
(CROW CAWING)
Those two died in a 69 position.
Ho ho ho!
Tulip, look.
Ooh! That's hilarious.
Blinkerquartz, why is the plague
so much worse this year?
Perhaps it was those mysterious bodies
that fell from the sky last week.
How many times
must I apologize for that?
Once. Once would be good. Never.
PATRICK: King Merriman!
(SCREAMS) Angel of Death!
(GRUNTS)
Squire, what's the report?
How bad is it?
So many people who've had
the best years of their lives
ripped away from them,
who never got the chance to love,
to start a family.
Oh. At least the plague's
not inside the castle.
(MAN COUGHING, GAGGING)
On that note, everyone pack your shit.
We're getting the hell out of town.
Spirited theme song playing ♪
You know, Broth, seeing that bigamist
die right in front of me
really made me think.
He has two families,
and I've never even been in love.
It's because you're afraid
to take risks, man.
Throw caution to the wind, no fear.
Huh. You're right.
I should ask Sloane to the Squire Formal.
What? No. Eww!
I meant we should jump off a castle
into a bonfire.
You and me, man: Stunt Budz!
Dramatic fanfare plays ♪
Hey, there she is now.
Wow‐wow‐woo‐wee‐wa!
Check out the pails on Sloane.
Hi, Sloane.
(SLOAN GROANS)
Oh. Hi, Patrick. Hi, Broth.
'Sup?
Uh I won't see you for a while.
I'm headed out of town
with the royal family
until the plague dies down.
(SLOANE GROANS)
Oh. That's cool.
Yeah. Yeah, so, I, uh, wanted
to ask you, um, uh
Uh‐huh. (STRAINING)
Uh, if you like
pails?
Ah! No, I do not like pails.
Oh. Okay.
Uggh!
Was that as bad as I think it was?
That was the flirting equivalent
of a papercut on my sunburned dick.
Never do your taxes at the beach.
The other kings have refused
to take us in.
They're mad that you ruined
Chill Society.
Jeez. Still?
Yes, kings love to hold a grudge.
You know.
I'll never forgive them for that.
Where are we supposed to go now?
Well, at least my parents are safe.
They're on their annual ski trip.
Without you? Did you get banned
from family vacation
for head‐butting the activities director
into a pool, too?
No. No, me‐me either.
Anyway, the plague can't survive
up in the mountains, it's too cold.
Hmm. Patrick, tell the driver
how to get to that lodge.
Blinkerquartz, pack my skis.
Oh, God, no. Hell, yeah!
ANNOUNCER:
Stunt Budz, Winter Edition!
♪
(BLOSSOM WHINING)
Now, Blossom, think of it
as a family vacation.
It's fun!
I can't believe
you pulled me out of school.
We've been catfishing Principal Tatum
for weeks
and she's so close to thinking
her ex‐husband wants her back.
I wish you put as much effort
into your grades
as you do gaslighting sad adult women.
(SCREECHES)
I learned it from watching you!
(GRUNTING INDIGNANTLY)
Come back, darling.
You'll freeze to death!
I'd rather die than be stuck
on top of the mountain with you!
Don't worry, Your Majesty,
I'll go get her.
(GRUNTS)
(WHISPERING) Princess Blossom.
(WHISPERING) I can fucking read.
Please, go back to your parents.
No. My mom is a huge bitch.
Fine. Don't go back, then.
I know what reverse
fucking psychology is, Patrick.
Goddamn it, let's go.
Come and get me, then,
you little pussy‐assed bitch.
(BLOSSOM SNICKERS)
(STILL WHISPERING)
Come on, get back here.
Please! Stop it!
Uggh!
(SHOUTING)
Fuck you, Patrickkkkk!
(SNOW RUMBLING)
Oh, shit.
Waaaaah!
(DOOR SLAMS)
God, are we going or what?
Has anyone seen Patrick?
Eh, he's got the squirts
and said we should go on without him.
Yeah. Sounds like Patrick.
So selfless.
(WHIP CRACKS, HORSE WHINNIES)
(WHINNIES)
Romantic music playing ♪
Oh, Glenn, I love
our annual ski retreat.
Me too, Doreen.
Here's to fresh powder, fine wine
And free mustache rides.
Saddle up!
BOTH: Mwah!
(DOOR OPENS)
In the name of the king,
I declare this ski lodge party central.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Oh, hell no, not this blowhard.
Now, honey, give it a chance.
This could be fun.
He shouldn't take any ski trips
until he fixes the big pothole
in front of our house.
I saw a horse drown in it the other day.
Oh.
Upbeat jazz playing ♪
(LAUGHING)
Mom, I'm bored!
Can I have wine?
No. Read a book!
(BLOSSOM SCOFFS) Fuck!
Stunt Budz!
Dramatic fanfare plays ♪
Uggh!
(GASPING)
Pfft!
Agggh.
Yeah. You can't kill me, snow.
I refuse to die.
Yaa! Yaa! Yaaaa!
(WOLVES SNARLING)
(GASPS) Oh.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
(SCREAMS)
(WOLVES HOWLING)
You can't take a bite out of my ass,
but you can suck on these balls!
(RELIEVED SIGH)
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
(STRAINS)
Wow!
I bet a beautiful ice princess lives here.
(SNIFFS) Uggh!
And she keeps cat shit in a pizza box?
Uggh!
Dramatic music playing ♪
(GROANS)
"Norah Small."
Looks like somebody turned
your castle into a dump.
NORAH:
Ah, get away from my treasures!
Oooh!
(GRUNTS) Who just burns
other people's stuff?
You're a psycho!
Your stuff? You're Norah Small?
Yes. You ruined this.
How will I remember if
the high school production of "Midsummer"
got a good review?
It did. Ugh! Who are you?
Did my mother send you?
'Cause I'm totally fine.
No. No one sent me.
My name's Patrick.
Please don't eat me!
I'm not eating you, I'm keeping you.
No, no, wait.
We could just hang out, like friends.
Uggh! They can be your friends.
That's Darnell and that's Rita.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Party music playing ♪
(GROANS)
Grown‐up parties are so cringe‐y.
Hey, check it out.
I'm lampshade‐on‐head party guy.
I'm fun now.
I found the pantry.
First one to eat all the food wins.
Haaaaa! Uggh!
Great plan: Eat all our fuckin' food.
Before you know it,
we'll be eating each other.
Lighten up, it's a plague party!
(DOOR OPENS)
I have news from the kingdom.
Is the plague over?
No, mean girl.
Our plague‐ologist just upgraded
the threat level
from spicy to en fuego!
(ALL SCREAMING)
GUEST: We're trapped!
My lampshade is stuck.
What's happening?
We must rise from the ashes
and start a new society.
As long as I'm king,
everything will be great.
(WIND WHISTLING)
(GUESTS SHIVERING)
Did anyone bring their fire servant?
I left mine at my manor.
We didn't bring ours.
Well we caught ours stealing
and put him down!
That's fine, I'll fix it.
I'm your king, after all.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(HUMMING)
And fire!
(WIND HOWLING)
The king can't make fire?
It's so cold! I have frostbite.
The king is powerless!
I'm freezing my little titties off, Dad!
(SIGHS)
(GUESTS CHEERING)
GUEST: Yes! You're amazing.
You rock!
Why, I feel warmer already.
Jesus, people, it's just a fire.
He got lucky.
Three cheers for Glenn.
I'm going to name
my first‐born child Glenn.
Thank you, Glenn.
(STRAINING)
Why didn't I ask out Sloane
when I had the chance?
Sorry about borrowing your rib, Rita.
Uggh! (RIB RATTLES)
Damn it!
Fifty garlic presses
and only one worth a shit‐‐.
Oww! Ow, ow, ow, not again.
(NORAH SIGHS)
Oh, if that gets infected,
you could lose the whole foot.
I could help you.
But you'd have to open this cage.
Uh fine.
But don't get any ideas.
You'll get lost and freeze to death
without a map.
And that's if the wolves
don't get you first.
Fine.
Ready? One, two
W‐Wait! Wait, oh, oh, oh, wait.
I'm not ready! (ROARS) three!
Ohhhh (SIGHS) Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, any chance you can
help me get home?
Nope. Any time I get rid of something,
bad stuff happens.
You're staying right here.
Hmmm!
Hey, here's your garlic press.
(NORAH SNARLS)
Well, maybe it would be easier
to find things
if you didn't have so much clutter.
No, no! I need it! I need it all!
Whatever you're afraid of, trust me,
you can't let fear hold you back
or you'll regret it.
But my irrational fear
actually makes sense.
You see, the last time
I threw something out, I lost Craig.
It was a perfect life.
And I kept a perfect house.
Cleaning was my love language.
That and butt stuff.
You see, Craig had a jean jacket
from high school, a ratty old thing.
He never even wore it, so one day,
into the trash it went.
Then, the morning of the great blizzard,
you know, the one that killed
all those Sherpas,
Craig says, "Hey, baby,
you seen my old jean jacket?"
And I tell him,
"I threw it out weeks ago."
Craig's eyes went black as coal.
He says,
"That jacket wasn't just a jacket,
"it was a symbol
of the last time I was happy.
"Beast Feast, my senior year.
"The night I met you.
"Before you turned into a woman
"who'd rather dust than dance,
"who'd rather sweep than see a sunset,
who'd rather mop than make love."
And with that, he threw open the door.
"No, Craig," I said, "the blizzard!
At least take a jacket."
I found him the next day,
frozen solid.
Ten feet from the door.
Ahh! Throwing things out
is how you die alone.
That feels like a stretch.
I killed Craig! (SOBBING)
(PATRICK SIGHS)
Norah, don't make
the same mistake I did.
I'm supposed to be this brave squire,
but I'm too scared
to even ask out the girl I'm crushing on
to the Squire Formal.
Now she could be dead
of the plague, for all I know.
But there's still hope for you.
You could conquer your fears
and start living your life again.
But how?
Maybe keep one garlic press
and throw out the others.
But what if the good one breaks
and I'm over there
trying to make garlic knots?!
Then you will buy another.
(SIZZLING)
LAMPSHADE LADY:
Glenn, these ribs are delicious!
If it hadn't been for you,
we would have starved to death! Yes!
Ahem!
Eh‐eh‐eh! We all agreed,
if you didn't go on the elk hunt,
you don't get any ribs.
Even Tulip helped.
There's something soothing
about ripping flesh away from bone.
(KING GRUMBLES)
I'm your king and I demand ribs!
LAMPSHADE LADY:
Actually, we've been talking and
we think Glenn should be king.
Suspenseful fanfare playing ♪
(GAGGING)
(CHUCKLES) Okay, look.
I'm very flattered, but
LAMPSHADE LADY:
Oh, the new king is so humble.
Merriman, do something!
There's only one way to settle this.
Glenn, I challenge you
to a battle of the blades.
En garde!
(GUESTS GASP)
(BROTH STRAINING)
Patrick's gonna feel so stupid
he missed out on this.
Stunt Budz, Stunt Budz ♪
We're doin' stunts! ♪
But it's just me ♪
There's no other budz yet ♪
Maybe they just need a little love.
Norah. You're breakin' my heart.
(CIRCUIT BREAKERS CLANG)
Oh ♪
Clean your mess, clean your mess ♪
You don't need those used blood tests ♪
You'll never use that toothbrush ♪
Or that rusty old bench press ♪
Tiny hats, clumps of hair ♪
(PATRICK LAUGHS)
You were living in despair ♪
It's amazing, so assurin' ♪
When you've poured out jars of urine ♪
Oh, clean your ♪
No! There was gonna be a kick line!
Haah!
Norah (SIGHS) you did it.
No. We did it.
Huh? (CHUCKLES)
Romantic music playing ♪
PATRICK: Mmmmmmm
romantic music playing ♪
(NORAH SHRIEKS) (PATRICK GROANS)
What the hell was that?
Oh, God, I am sorry.
I thought you liked me.
I I just
I want to experience love.
Like what you had with Craig.
Hey, hey, it's cool. It happens.
You know, after Craig left,
I'm not ashamed to admit
I made out with that dresser.
It was Craig's.
It still had his musky scent.
I haven't touched it since he died.
(PATRICK SIGHS)
It's the last step.
Huh. What's this?
He must have been planning
to surprise me.
Are those crotchless?
Oh, Craig, I'll treasure it always.
"To Carla"?
"Can't wait to rip this off you
with my teeth"?
"Love, Craig"?
Carla?
That skank from the bank!
That bank skank!
(ROARING)
Norah! Stop!
(SIGHS) I can't believe
he was cheating on me.
It makes me feel
Way less guilty?
Yeah.
Yeah! It wasn't my fault Craig died.
He was a cheating asshole
who ran into the middle of a blizzard
without a jacket, and I'm not
gonna let him hold me back anymore.
And since you helped me,
I'm gonna help you
ask that girl to the dance.
(BOTH SNARL)
(CHEERING)
LAMPSHADE LADY:
This battle of the blades
will determine the leader
of our new civilization.
(CROWD CHEERING)
We hope it's Glenn!
(SIGHS)
Hard rock music playing ♪
(CHEERING)
LAMPSHADE LADY:
Well, Merriman's superb!
Glenn will have to be flawless.
Good luck beating that.
FYI, Dad: If you don't win,
I'm asking King Glenn to adopt me.
Dramatic choral fugue playing ♪
(GLENN STRAINING)
(CROWD SCREAMING ECSTATICALLY)
GLENN:
Holy fuckballs, I'm gonna be king!
But do I even wanna be king?
Now I'm gonna be the father
of a whole nation?
What am I thinking?
That's my worst nightmare.
Fuck it!
Ugggh! CROWD: Ohh!
Oh, he blew it! Glenn lost!
Whoops.
LAMPSHADE LADY:
Because Glenn ate shit so hard,
I now pronounce Merriman the winner
and still king!
Me? I get to stay king?
Oh, God, it's happening!
(BLOSSOM WHINES)
King Glenn was gonna let me
get my nose pierced.
I'm sorry if I let you down.
You've never missed
a quintuple axel in your life.
Aha! I bring news from the kingdom.
The plague is over!
(CHEERING)
Turns out, it was just a 24‐hour thing.
It is safe to return to your homes!
You heard him.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
I hope you saved
that little black outfit.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, no, I definitely threw out my back.
Okay, one more time.
Now, deep breaths. Be brave.
(INHALES, EXHALES)
Hi, Sloane.
Hi, Patrick.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
Would you like to go
to the dance with me?
Oh, my fucking God.
I'd rather eat glass,
you walking abortion.
(COUGHING) Wha Why would you‐‐.
And that's the worst that could happen.
Oh. Ha ha.
Right. Thanks.
Look, you're a great guy, Patrick.
She's gonna say yes, I just know it.
Now, let's get you to that ski lodge.
I just got one stop
(CRACKING KNUCKLES)
I need to make on the way.
(CARLA SCREECHING)
This is for fucking my man, Carla!
Here's your gift, homewrecker!
Oh, God!
Okay. Run, run!
(GASPING) Ooh!
Jaunty music playing ♪
Well, this is it, Patrick.
Thanks for everything.
I'll never forget you, Norah.
BROTH: Stunt Budz!
Oh, hey, what was that?
Broth? Ugggh!
Bye, Norah! Aaaaah
Bye‐bye, Patrick!
(BOTH GROANING)
Aaah Stunt Budz are reunited!
Dramatic fanfare plays ♪
BROTH: Ha ha!
Ugggh My fuckin' ribs!
(HORSE WHINNIES) Hey, Patrick.
All diarrhea'd out? Let's roll.
♪
(SLOANE STRAINING)
Patrick, you're back.
And you're alive!
Yeah Guilty as charged.
How was the royal plague getaway?
Oddly inspiring.
It made me realize
there's something I wanna ask you.
And I've been thinking
Are you trying to ask me to the dance?
Because this is really heavy
and my answer is
Back to school, back to school ♪
Back to emotionally terrorize ♪
Another teacher! ♪
(SIGHS) Sure.
Cool. (LAUGHS) Cool.
Well, I gotta finish
packing Blossom's carriage.
See ya.
Huh.
This is the best day of my life.
BLOSSOM: Everybody look.
Patrick's got a boner!
Awwww!
Ha ha! Freak!
Fuck!
Bye, Daddy.
Mother.
Thanks for the worst plague‐cation
of my fucking life!
Same here. Bye, sweet‐pea.
See you at Christmas. Ta‐ta.
(PASSENGERS WHOOPING)
(CARRIAGE RATTLES)
Uh, driver, can you
take it easy on the bumps?
I'm fucking precious cargo, bitch!
Dramatic flourish plays ♪
ECHOING VOICES: Assassin!
♪
CHILD: That was amazing.
(BALL BEEPING)
(LOSER SOUND EFFECT PLAYS)